Original subtitles

Kate!

Kate, get in here quick!

Doug, I was in the middle of a palm reading.

I think she was gonna upgrade to the premium spirit summoning package.

Um, I think I just saw something in the crystal ball.

Oh, Doug.

No, really, I can feel my powers returning.

Doug, did you ever really have any?

You doubt me?

I mean, I was the amazing Rinaldi.

I astounded people across this country with my mental skills, okay?

Fortune telling, mind reading, hypnotism.

I know, I wrote the copy for the advertisement,

but honestly, have you really had any insight?

You doubt me?

No, just tell me what you saw.

I'm not really sure what I saw, but I'm getting that feeling again, okay?

Why don't we try this, okay?

The four of clubs.

Really?

Eight of diamonds.

Right again.

Okay, one more.

The ace of spades.

You're amazing!

Okay, you know this means that I have to try the hypnotizing.

No, hypnotizing never works out right for you.

Yeah, but that's before.

Now I'm feeling it again.

I'm feeling it.

No, it got us kicked out of the show in Cleveland.

Look, this isn't a show.

You gotta let me at least try.

Okay.

Keep your eye on the watch.

You're getting very, very sleepy.

Very, very sleepy.

When I snap my fingers, you will be completely under my command.

Under your command.

You find me irresistibly attracted.

Irresistibly attracted.

You have an uncontrollable urge to have sex with me.

Oh, yes.

That was fantastic.

Thanks.

Wait a second.

You're still supposed to be under hypnosis.

Oh.

Well, I felt bad, so I faked it.

You were faking?

Only the hypnosis part.

Hey, look, a new stock came in.

Throw all this junk away.

Junk?

We paid good money for this stuff.

Money we don't have, I might add.

You don't need it anymore.

It's all trash.

Have you lost your mind?

Just read this.

Remember my Aunt Bessie?

Yeah, the mystic healer who got you into all of this mumbo jumbo?

Exactly.

Well, she passed away last week.

Oh, so much for the mystic healing.

Look, Aunt Bessie might have been an eccentric, but she was also loaded.

Oh, too much liquor, huh?

No, the other kind of loaded.

Filthy, rich.

Really?

Uh-huh.

She left us her mansion.

What?

That's right, baby.

Pack up your things.

We're moving to Beverly Hills.

This

is just amazing.

It's everything you said it would be.

Yep, it's completely furnished and it's paid for.

This is the life I always promised you, honey.

I could not be happier.

Hey, our first visitors.

Hi.

We're your new neighbors.

We brought pie.

Good job, lovely.

Come in.

Honey, these are our new neighbors.

Hi, I'm Peter West.

This is my wife, Patricia.

It's nice to meet you.

Hi, I'm Doug Nelson and you've already met my wife, Kate.

I'm George Hamwell.

And I'm Amy Hamwell.

Hello.

Why don't I get us some drinks?

Sounds great.

Yeah, sure.

And why don't you join me?

Oh, okay.

George Hamwell.

Why does that name sound so familiar?

Well, I don't want to be immodest, but perhaps you've seen one of my pictures.

I'm a movie producer.

What movies have you produced?

Well, most know me from the giant slime creature from Venus.

Nope, didn't see that one.

The three-eyed monster from Planet X?

Don't think so.

Perhaps scorpion killer versus the giant Sasquatch?

Oh, I did see that one once.

Well, there you go.

On the late, late, late show.

Yes.

Well, Peter here is in the oil business.

Oh, really?

That's right.

West Star Oil.

We operate some of the biggest offshore oil rigs in California.

Really?

That sounds exciting.

So, what do you do for a living, Doug?

I used to have a little magic act, you know, card tricks, mind reading, hypnotism.

Really?

Here we are.

Doug, Amy was telling me that George here is a movie producer.

I used to be an actress myself.

Is that right?

Well, mainly background work, but I was on my way up when I met Doug.

Yes, and it's been all downhill ever since.

Just a little joke, dear.

I was just telling Amy how great it is to live in Los Angeles.

My dear, this is not Los Angeles.

This is Beverly Hills.

Right.

Well, Doug was just telling us that he used to be a hypnotist.

Oh, he did, did he?

We weren't going to talk about that.

It just sort of came up.

Anyway, I think it would be great fun if he hypnotized one of us.

No, I couldn't.

Oh, yes, yes, me, me, hypnotize me.

Okay, well, I guess I could give it a shot.

Okay, keep your eye on the watch.

You're getting sleepy.

Sleepy.

Very sleepy.

Oh, I think it's working.

If you say so.

Now, when I count to three and snap my fingers, you'll be in a deep, deep sleep.

One, two, three.

Well done.

Doug, I think you actually did it.

Nope, just kidding.

Sorry, guys.

I thought so.

Oh, well, better luck next time.

Yeah, there are just too many distractions going on right now.

I'm sure, sure, sure, sure.

Hey, look, we've got to be going.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Yes, we should be on our way as well.

Listen, Doug, Peter and I have a golf game scheduled next week.

You should join us.

Do you play?

Golf?

Yeah, of course I do.

I play.

And how about you, Kate?

What are you doing tomorrow?

How about a shopping spree?

Just us girls, I have to introduce you to the shops in Rodeo.

That would be great.

Hey.

Well, thanks for coming over.

It was really great to meet you guys.

Yeah.

Bye.

Bye.

Really, Doug?

What was I supposed to do?

You saw.

I guess I've got to go get some golf clubs now.

Thank you.

I'm telling you, Peter, there is something about those two.

They seem perfectly normal to me.

Normal for Topeka, maybe, but they just don't seem like our kind of people.

Well, they're showbiz types.

They're bound to be a bit eccentric.

George is in show business.

It's a legit show business.

But hypnotism?

Really?

You're just being fussy.

I'm sure everything will turn out alright.

Maybe.

Now, how about you and I head upstairs and have a little fun?

Oh, Peter.

I have a splitting headache.

Yes.

The longest continuous headache in the history of mankind.

Shouting won't help, dear.

Good night.

Hey, you know, I think I'm going to ask Doug

if he wants to invest in my next picture.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

I'm not sure they have that kind of money.

Well, the house isn't cheap, even in today's market.

They have to have some money.

Well, you'd probably have to give his wife a role.

Don't think I didn't notice how she happened to mention that she was an

actress after you mentioned you were a producer.

And don't think I didn't notice you drooled at the sight of her husband.

Aw, was my man jealous?

Always.

Well, he was super cute.

And I wouldn't mind a tussle with that wife of his either.

But right now, I want to take care of you.

You vixen.

Thank you so much for taking me around today.

Oh, no problem.

It is so nice to have someone new in the neighborhood.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that whole hypnotism thing yesterday.

Oh, no, don't worry about it.

It was all in good fun.

You know, I never really believed in any of that stuff anyway.

Okay, good.

You know, Kate, George and I would like to meet with you and Doug some evening.

We may have a proposition for you.

Oh, my gosh.

Um, Amy, okay, I'm super flattered.

And I've heard about these Beverly Hills, um, you know, open marriages, but I don't

think it's something that Doug and I are really into.

No, I'm in a business proposition.

Okay, I'm embarrassed.

But now that you mention it, keep an open mind.

Coming.

Are you Doug Nelson?

Yes.

The Doug Nelson who is related to Elizabeth Nelson.

Elizabeth.

You mean Aunt Bessie?

Aunt Bessie, yes.

She's the one.

You knew Aunt Bessie?

Oh, I knew her quite intimately.

I see.

Doug, when your aunt passed away, she left instructions for me to deliver this to you.

What is it?

The answer to your dreams.

Okay, again, what is it?

Many people considered your aunt a hoax, a charlatan,

a snake oil salesman dressed in a skirt, if you will.

Perhaps the same has been said about you.

Well, everything except the skirt part.

Yes, of course.

But Elizabeth was much more than that.

She truly knew the mystic secrets of ancient Tibet.

And the power of hypnotism.

Look, I've been through this all before, okay?

I don't want to get run out of Beverly Hills like I was run out of Cleveland.

Oh, you misunderstand me, my boy.

This is the genuine article.

With this jewel, you will be granted the

power of hypnosis that you have always wanted.

Sure.

I see that you don't believe me.

Very well.

All I ask is that you try it before you dismiss it.

But beware.

The power of the jewel can be corrupting.

Whatever you say, man.

Douglas, don't take this lightly.

With great power comes great responsibility.

You must always use the jewel for good and never for evil.

Well, thanks for the tip.

But you should probably be going now.

I'm really busy here.

Good day, ma'am.

Good day.

Sorry about that.

Who was that?

Just a door-to-door salesman.

We're not supposed to have those types around here.

I'm sure you won't be back.

What can I do for you?

Well, I hate to impose on a new neighbor and all, but I

am making dinner tonight and I ran out of cooking sherry.

So, I was hoping that you would have some.

You know, the place was fully stocked when we moved in, so I'm not sure.

Why don't we go take a look?

Thank you.

I'm just going to check in the kitchen cabinet over here.

I'm sorry, it looks like we don't have any cooking sherry.

That's okay.

But... I do have this.

You're now under my command.

I am under your command.

Look how it works.

Touch your nose.

Jump up and down.

Cluck like a chicken.

Okay, Patricia.

Here's what we're going to do.

From now on, when you hear somebody say, wait, three times, you're going to have

the uncontrollable urge to have sex with that person.

I will have an uncontrollable urge.

Okay, wake up.

Doug, what?

I'm sorry, we don't have any cooking sherry.

I'm going to go.

Okay.

Wait, wait, wait.

Come in, you big hunk of a man.

You will forget all about this encounter.

I will forget.

Good.

Hi, I'm home.

Hi, sweetheart.

Oh, Patricia, what are you doing here?

Patricia came by to see if we had any cooking sherry, but we don't.

Right.

So she's going to be going now.

Right.

Well, it was great to see you.

Yeah, goodbye.

That was strange.

Yeah, you know, crazy neighbors.

So, what's with all the stuff?

Amy took me shopping.

Did you have to buy the entire store?

Honey, if we're going to live in this neighborhood

with these friends, it's just, it's what's expected.

We're just going to have to figure out a way to make some serious money, fast.

No, I can't.

You know, Doug, I'd love to talk to you

sometime about investing in my next production.

Well, aren't movies a risky investment?

With my track record, hardly.

Besides, Peter's investing.

That's right.

I've got to figure out what to do with all that oil money.

So what kind of money are we talking about here?

Oh, hardly much at all.

I just need to fill some gaps in the budget.

Just a million or two.

Huh.

Is that all?

Sorry you had such a bad day, Doug.

If I didn't know better, I'd say you'd never played golf before in your life.

Yeah, I can't remember the last time I saw anyone shoot a 200.

Yeah, over par.

Just unlucky today, I guess.

What's this?

One of your mystical hoo-has?

No, no, wait.

Don't mess with that.

What just happened?

Peter!

Peter!

What have you done?

Now I've done it.

We're just going to have to figure out how to make some serious money.

Fast.

Tell me all your secrets for making money that nobody knows.

I take millions from investors and make shitty movies for peanuts.

Wait a minute.

That was a project you wanted me to invest in?

Yes.

On paper, they cost millions.

In reality, I'd spend hundreds.

Doesn't anybody ever catch on?

With a title like Invasion of the Swamp People, no one expects much.

And what do you do with your money?

It's all on an offshore account, Cayman Islands.

Great place to do business.

And Peter's in on this too?

No.

I'm going to take his money as well.

Oh, really?

What the hell just happened?

Well, Georgie boy, you know I'm a hypnotist.

Yeah, but I thought a lousy one.

Certainly not.

I had you under just now and you told me some rather interesting things.

It was a college thing.

Everyone experimented.

No, no, not that.

About your cheapo movies and your fake investments and your offshore accounts.

Oh, damn.

So, unless you want me to spill the beans to Peter over here or go to the cops,

I think you and I need to come up with some kind of payment arrangement.

You're blackmailing me?

You're cheating your investors.

Good point.

All right, Nelson.

What do you want?

You know, I think two million dollars doesn't sound unreasonable.

It's damn unreasonable!

He didn't say that this morning.

He said two million dollars was hardly anything at all.

Yes, but that was your two million.

And it will be mine once you give it to me.

Well, I guess I have no choice.

Now you're talking.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't know it was that valuable.

That's okay.

Just a family heirloom.

You know.

Well, gosh, guys.

I got to get home to the little woman.

I got to get going, too.

Let's do this again sometime.

As a matter of fact, why don't we do it tomorrow?

Why don't we all get together and have a few drinks?

You guys can bring the wives.

Sounds good to me.

We'll be there.

Yeah, great.

We'll see you.

Okay.

I can't believe it.

I just can't believe it.

That bastard.

That low-light, dirty, rotten, stinking...

George, who are you talking about?

That new idiot neighbor of ours?

Slow down.

Slow down.

What happened?

Well, we're at golfing today, right?

And I was going to ask Doug about investing in the new Swamp People movie?

Right.

Will we get back to Doug's place?

No, no, wait.

Don't mess with that.

What just happened?

Tell me all your secrets for making money.

I take millions from investors and make shitty movies for peanuts.

I think you and I need to come up with some kind of payment arrangement.

And he wants two million dollars!

That son of a bitch!

And to think I was going to have sex with him.

Yeah!

Wait, what?

Nothing, nothing.

I bet that tramp wife of his is involved, too.

I can't believe someone's trying to blackmail me.

Me!

So are you going to pay?

Hell no!

You know all of our assets are tied up in those offshore investments?

I couldn't even lay my hands on two million in cash if I wanted to.

So what are we going to do?

You know, I've got just the thing.

What's up?

Oh, nothing.

Just something left over from the shop.

All right.

Well, good night.

Hey, Kate?

Did you mean it when you said we had to find a way to make a lot of money?

Well, honey, we live in Beverly Hills, and I know we own the house outright,

but keeping up with these housewives is going to be expensive.

What if I can't find a way?

You always find a way.

I have faith in you.

Plus I'm worth it.

Are you sure we're in the right place?

Yes, this is the right place.

I've never been in a place this seedy before.

I met you in a place like this.

So how do you know this guy anyway?

He was recommended to me by some friends.

Who recommends hitmen?

I have a list of references if you'd like to see them.

No, no, that's quite all right.

Carmine?

Yeah.

I'm George Hamwell.

Ain't that nice?

Well, you may have heard of me.

I produce movies.

Really?

Which ones?

Well, the giant slime creature from Venus.

The three-eyed monster from Planet X.

Never heard of it.

George!

All right.

It's not important.

I've got a job for you.

Did you bring the cash?

$50,000.

Just like you asked.

I'm assuming I don't have to count this.

I don't think he can count.

No, no.

It's all there.

Who's the guy you want to ice?

His name is Doug Nelson.

Here's the address.

You and I will never see each other again.

You, however, I will see in my dreams.

Ew!

Peter!

Peter!

Peter!

I heard something.

I heard something downstairs.

Downstairs.

I heard something.

You're just having one of your anxiety attacks.

Go to sleep.

No, Peter.

Seriously.

Your sleeping pills aren't on the medicine cabinet.

Wait!

Wait!

Wait!

I have an uncontrollable urge to have sex with you.

Excuse me?

Shut up.

Take your clothes off.

Come here.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what came over me.

No need to apologize, baby.

You're a sexual dynamo.

Inside that prim and proper was a wildcat waiting to get out.

Yeah, I know.

Wait a minute.

Who are you and what are you doing in my house?

Oh yeah, I forgot.

I'm here to kill your husband.

You're here to kill Peter?

Doug.

Doug?

Doug Nelson?

Yeah.

Doug doesn't even live here.

7212 Maple Lane?

No.

This is 7221.

George is an idiot.

He must be dyslexic or something.

George?

George Hamwell?

That's the guy.

Why would George want to kill Doug?

I don't know.

It's a vestment scheme or something gone wrong.

I don't care, baby.

I don't care about that.

I don't care about you.

Down boy.

I gotta have you.

All in due time.

Wait a minute.

If George is up to what I think he's up to, I think I might be able to use your help.

You up for that?

I would do anything for you.

I'm Patricia, by the way.

Carmen.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, thanks for coming.

Oh, we wouldn't miss it.

Oh, Amy, George.

How nice to see you both.

Patricia.

How have you been?

Oh, just peachy.

Oh, George.

Peter.

I must say, Patricia, you're looking particularly vibrant today.

Oh, really?

You must be this new face cream I have.

Oh, well, whatever it is, I want some.

No.

Uh, sorry.

I mean, I think I'm almost out.

Hey, be careful, Doug.

If I know George, he'll have you investing in his

movie before you're finished with the first round.

Oh, I don't think so.

Well, he says all he needs is a couple more million.

Yeah, two million dollars.

Hardly anything at all, right?

Well, I wouldn't say that.

But you did say that.

You did?

Perhaps I was a bit hasty, okay?

It is a substantial amount of money.

Is that a good investment?

Oh, I'm sure it is.

Well, in any case, maybe George can give you a few pointers on the golf course, huh?

Sure.

Any time.

Uh, Patricia, is everything okay?

What?

Oh, yeah.

Excuse me, Kate, can you tell me where your restroom is?

Oh, yeah, it's down past the bedroom.

Oh, thank you.

That was odd.

Yes, it was.

Excuse me.

Sure.

Well, what took you so long?

I had to wait for Amy and George to get here.

Now you're going to stick with the plan, right?

The plan?

Yeah, the plan.

I intimidate George into revealing they hired me to kill Doug.

And that he's ripping off my husband.

Right, right.

You know, that's not much of a plan.

He's right.

Sick of Carmine.

Wait.

Wait.

So,

Peter, tell me about the oil business.

It sounds fascinating.

Well, it's not that much to tell, really.

You know what they say, um, oil is money.

Is that what they say, really?

Sure, you know, black gold, Texas tea.

Except in my case, it's more like California latte.

Well, I'm glad to hear that you're doing so well.

Oh, quite well.

Oil's well that ends well.

Well, um, looks like everyone could use a new drink.

Um, George, do you want to help me in the kitchen?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Listen, Kate, whatever your husband has told you, it's not true.

Actually, I wasn't really here to talk about my husband.

You're not?

No.

I was wondering if you could possibly cast me in your next movie.

Oh, oh, well, I can certainly consider it.

I mean, it doesn't have to be a big part.

The female lead is fine.

Well, you know I do all my own auditions.

I'm ready.

Well, action.

Actually, this is an insert shot.

Wonder what's keeping everybody?

I don't know.

Oh, Kate.

Hey, I'm right here, Doug.

Weren't you getting drinks?

Oh, the drinks can wait.

I have something far more important.

What is it, honey?

Carmine?

Carmine?

Amy, what's going on?

George, just listen.

Go ahead, Carmine.

As in the customers I am to making speeches.

Just get on with it, dear.

Okay.

That guy right there paid me to kill that guy.

Me?

No, no, no, Carmine.

Remember.

Oh, I meant that guy.

Me?

Yeah, you gotta work on your penmanship, dude.

George, what's going on?

That's what I'd like to know.

I have no idea what this Lumix is talking about.

Lumix?

Lumix?

What's a Lumix?

Get on with it, dear, okay?

Okay, okay, okay.

My whole movie investment is a scam.

What?

I really don't even have a movie project.

My last film that sold poorly.

No one will finance me.

Are you serious?

So I slept with you for nothing?

Well, I had fun.

Excuse me?

Later, honey.

Keep talking.

Doug was blackmailing me.

He tried to tell Peter I was stealing his money.

Excuse me?

Later, honey.

I spent all my money on my last film.

I don't know what diamond in my name.

Oh, sweetie.

What about the 50 G's you paid me?

Good thing you didn't count it.

I don't see what's so funny.

Oh, my.

All of this trouble for nothing.

The joke is on all of you.

My oil wells have been dusters for months.

My company filed bankruptcy last week.

I'm dead broke?

Or you're just plain dead.

I can't... Doug, you have to do something.

Okay.

What the...

It's this, okay?

It's making me do evil things.

We've got to get rid of it.

What is it?

Never mind.

Just tell me that you love me.

Of course I love you.

Even if we have to leave all of this and go back to the psychic shop?

Sweetheart, honestly, I hate this place.

And all these people.

Yeah, but you slept with George.

Oh.

Well, it was this evil doohickey thing.

Its energies, you know, they affected me too.

Okay.

Let's just get out of here.

Okay.

Lesson learned.

I suppose I should release you.

Hey, Luke.

The new stock payment.

I astounded people across this country.

My mental skills, okay?

Fortune telling, mind reading, hypnotism.

Oh,

yes, yes, me, me!

Hypnotize me!

It's all in an offshore account, Cayman Islands.

Great place to do business.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

You're gonna kill your husband.

Black gold, Texas tea.

Except in my case, it's more like California latte.

A charlatan.

A snake oil salesman dressed in a skirt.