Original subtitles

Pleasant weather?

Stop jabbering, you two. We're not Italians.

Gan -gan, you look so beautiful today.

I don't know why they didn't cast Angelina Jolie to play you in The Crown.

Or Giselle.

Settle, settle.

Get the defibrillator paddles ready.

No, no, we're good.

Charlotte, can you move over like half an inch, please?

Sorry, George.

And who the hell is calling you?

No one.

Camilla, whatever it is you're dying to say, just spit it out.

Oh, no, Mummy, she's fine. That's just how she swallows.

I could put the curtain around her if you prefer.

No. It's all good, darling. She loves you.

He looks good. Fit.

Oh, shut up.

You shut up.

Yeah, you look amazing today, Grandpa.

This is a sexy family.

You know, for British people.

Hey, Owen.

Yes, Your Royal Highness.

When you're clipping my nails, can you at least try to act like you're enjoying

it? My toes are absorbing a lot of your resentment.

I would never want you to think that I didn't... Eh, eh.

Less talky, more clippy.

Ooh, Kelly Ripper just posted a throwback Thursday photo of her eating a

on the set of All My Children.

OMG.

Cough and emoji.

I love Kelly Ripper. I feel like we could be friends.

Of course you could, sir.

I know. That's why I said it.

Let's see if she liked my comment yet.

Hold on. Is she even following me?

Oh, my God.

Kelly Ripper doesn't follow me.

Perhaps she unfollowed you by accident, sir. I've done that.

Wait. You're on Instagram?

It's mostly just pictures of me in my garden. Or of my deceased wife.

Well, not the dead wife again.

Babe, move on.

Anyway, you're right. Kelly obviously unfollowed me by accident.

Yes, of course. That's probably what happened, sir. Probably?

What do you mean, probably?

I don't think I said probably. I believe I said definitely.

Did you?

I did, sir.

Oh. Okay.

Thank you.

Just for that, I'm going to go on your Instagram.

There you are.

And like this picture of you.

Like... That's my wife, sir.

Jesus.

I'm unliking it.

I love you. I love you too, Douglas.

Tomorrow is that thing, right? You know, that thing.

What's it called?

Your investiture ceremony, Your Royal Highness.

Yes, it's tomorrow.

And that is when I do what, exactly?

It's when you select certain men and women to knight and make dames, ma 'am.

I know what it is, you topper.

What the fuck? No idea.

And will there be the little thing that I like to eat? You know, that little

tart? That thing?

Yes, ma 'am, the flummery tart.

Of course, as always.

Good. I fucking love that thing.

You've got a lot of... Don't...

Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. Don't make me sigh again, Dinesh.

Sorry, sorry.

What's unbelievable?

Kelly Ripper still isn't following me. I've got to do something to get her

attention. I love Kelly Ripper. I feel like we could be friends.

What a stupid fucking thing to say.

Oh, look, your grandmother is making Greta Thunberg a dame.

Ugh, Greta Dumberg is more like it.

I said Greta Dumberg is more like it.

Don't laugh if you don't think it's funny.

Wait, Greta Thunberg is going to be a dame? You know what that means.

Maggie Smith is dead.

What? No.

What does that have to do with anything, Sebastian?

Doesn't a dame have to die before there can be a new one? That's what I thought,

too. That doesn't even make any... All right, both of you just shut up.

Well, that's the bell. Really fun day, guys.

Text me later.

Free Britney!

I never know where we stand with him.

Hey, Gan -Gan. Who's there?

Who's there?

It's me. It's me, Gan -Gan.

Oh, hello, sweetheart.

Oh, Jesus, my fucking heart.

Anyway, I wanted to ask you something.

Would you rub my feet while you do?

Um, okay.

So my good friend Kelly Ripper... Kelly and Ryan, Kelly Ripper? Yes, that's her.

So I thought maybe you could make her a dame for me.

Has she done anything else? I don't think so, but Helen Mirren's a dame, and

hasn't done anything either.

That's true.

Okay, stop rubbing now.

Sure. Thanks, Gam -Gam. Excuse me.

Everyone stop fucking startling me!

All right, well, thanks again.

Excuse me, Your Royal Highness.

Oh, hey, oh, no, it's cool. Come on in.

Okay, Google, turn off.

Guess what?

Gan -Gan just agreed to make Kelly Ripper a dame.

Splendid. And she's also honoring Greta Thunberg, I hear.

Well, Kelly's someone who actually deserves it. Do you know how early she

get up for that show?

Anyway, she's obviously going to follow me after that.

Happy ending indeed.

Oh, I almost forgot, sir.

You received a postcard today from your Uncle Harry and Aunt Meghan in L .A.

A postcard?

Let me see that.

What the hell are they doing in L .A. anyway?

Uh... Hey.

Did you know it's cold in there?

Yeah. It's the refrigerator, Harry.

Must be an American thing.

Um, it's not.

So I was thinking maybe later I could show you around L .A. We can go to

Hollywood Boulevard.

Actually, it's kind of disgusting. Or maybe the Santa Monica Pier.

Never mind, that's kind of gross, too. And whatever, we'll figure it out. I am

just so happy to be back.

For sure.

But wait, what's this?

Amazing, right?

Okay. I have to tell you, this might be the smallest palace I've ever been in.

Well, it's an apartment, so... Yes, an apartment palace, I know that.

Lots of tiny palaces inside one big palace.

You really need to stop thinking in terms of palaces. We have to get jobs. I

have to start auditioning again. Oh, yes. You were on the very famous show

Suits. More popular in the States than even Friends, you told us.

Yeah, I might have oversold that a little bit at the time.

Look, I love you, and I'm willing to do whatever I need to do in order to be

with you, Megan.

Aw, and I love you, too.

I think it's important we do this ourselves, Harry, and not live off your

family. I agree.

We'll just have to find a way to make 50 billion pounds on our own.

Fuck.

The Queen's investiture ceremony starts in ten minutes.

Keep it moving.

Keep it moving.

Oh, my God, I have to shit so bad.

You there, go get the trays of flambéry tarts.

Yeah, I'm new.

I don't... I don't know what that is. I'll show him. Come with me. They're the

Queen's favourite tarts.

Neat. I didn't suppose I could poo first.

It's down here.

This is where you keep the tarts. Just a little bit further, down this corridor,

the tarts are very complicated little pastries. There's a whole process to

making them.

It's a little weird.

Jesus! Easy, easy!

They... They didn't have eyes.

Centuries ago, several bakers were brought down here until they perfected

royal family's favourite treat, the flummery tart.

They never saw the light of day.

Eventually, they started breeding, and then over the decades, they kind of

evolved into... Is it politically incorrect to say monsters?

My God. I told you it was a little weird.

Are the tarts that good? I'm not a fan.

Lovely to meet you.

I'm Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge.

And I'm William, the Duke of Cambridge.

And these are my teeth.

Hey, I'm Kelly Ripper, the woman of New Jersey.

Of course you're being honoured this evening.

And may I ask for what specifically?

I have no idea.

Oh, sickening.

I can't watch you eat.

Finally, she leaves.

You two are a fun pair.

Hey, Greta.

Hi, Kelly.

Hey, Kelly. Kelly.

Hey, Kelly.

It's me, George.

Get out of here, Greta.

Oh, hey.

Yeah, hey.

So, this is cool, right?

I know. I'm going to be a dame.

Did Maggie Smith die?

No, Maggie Smith didn't die. Why does everyone... Anyway, it's so fun that

Instagram friends and we're finally meeting in person.

Oh, is that how we know each other?

Yeah, that's how.

Like I follow you and you follow me.

Are those those fucking tarts I like?

I can't talk now. They're all watching me.

And I'm watching them.

Hi, Mummy.

Yep, here it is. Kelly Ripper following.

See? I bet if you go to atprinceg2013, you'll see the same thing.

Do it.

Um, okay.

Oh, I... I guess I wasn't following you.

Sorry. Am now.

Oh, yeah, sure. Whatever. I don't care.

What the hell are you doing?

We're not in Japan, dear.

Curtsy next time.

Someone taught me!

I thought she'd be nice.

Yeah, she's not.

Hello, I'm Prince Charles, and this is my wife Camilla.

You know, a lot of people think Camilla should have a chat show, too.

She's got quite the gift of gab.

Breakfast show chat, darling?

You're going to love it, Kelly.

She's so good.

Go on, darling.

Yeah, I kind of preferred your other wife.

That was fun tonight, though, wasn't it?

You've missed like ten spots already, by the way. How hard is it to apply face

cream? Fuck.

Apologies, Your Royal Highness.

Yes, the evening was a huge success.

It was also freezing today, so you noticed Greta didn't have much to say.

Oh, look at this. Dame Kelly Ripper following.

She changed that fast.

See? I told you, sir. It was a simple mistake.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, now I can do this.

Unfollow.

Bye.

Don't let me do that again, by the way. Pull me back, oh.

Why do I care if Kelly Ripper follows me? That was like a lot of wasted

I do see now how it was my fault, sir.

Oh, don't feel bad, oh.

Look, look what I'm doing. At Owen Palace, follow.

Oh, sir.

Okay, Google, play Lady Gaga.

I want your stupid love.

to free me from the pain.

I gotta find that peace.

Is it too late or could this love protect me from the pain?

I would battle for you even if my brain gets too weak.