Original subtitles

Thank you.

Are you David Bates?

Is this 3245 Dello Street?

In Cucamonga, California?

U .S. of A?

Right on.

You, uh, you can't talk, can't you?

Cat got your tongue?

Well, say something!

you put the lamp on.

What lamp?

The magic lamp you just rubbed. No, the lamp that I just made in my rather

marvelous appearance.

I realize that I'm rather awesome and godlike, but you don't have to be scared

shitless. Who are you?

Boy, I got a winner this time.

I am the genie from the magic lamp and all that crap you ding -a -ling.

Now, where's the lamp you just rubbed?

I didn't rub any lamp.

Don't shit me, kid. You must have rubbed the lamp.

I didn't.

Then what did you rub?

I didn't rub anything.

Oh, boy.

Maybe it was a bottle. Sometimes I'm assigned to a bottle.

I didn't rub a bottle.

Urn. That's what it was. How about an urn?

Now, look, kid. You must have rubbed something.

I don't just appear. I got to be rubbed in.

Now, think carefully.

I know you can.

Why do I always get stuck with these dumbass kids?

First Aladdin, now this retarded so -and -so.

You must remember rubbing something.

Well.

Well? Well, just this.

Holy mackerel, you mean to tell me the smoke came out of it?

By the great balls of the prophet, I thought it felt a little damp for a

Would you tell me what's going on around here?

Say what?

What's going on around here?

Boy, you are a slow one, aren't you?

All right, I'll tell you.

I'm going to explain to you carefully and use simple words.

I am a genie.

I have been reassigned to your lamp.

And you are my master.

I must do you a bidding.

But man, there's been a raw fuck -up around here somewhere.

Something must have short -circuited the continent.

I've got to put a trace on that lamp.

You sure you don't have a lamp? Yeah.

I'm sure.

What do you mean I'm your master?

Just as I said, Master Bates.

For instance, if you're tired of fucking your fists, you can command me to fetch

you a beautiful and willing girl.

Now, how about it, Master Bates? Would you knock off the Master Bates bit?

It's not funny.

My name is David.

And my name is Goliath. Now, do you want a piece of ass or not?

Well, I don't think. I mean...

You know.

Holy mackerel, you mean to sit there and tell me that you're a virgin?

Of course not.

I've done it hundreds of times.

Oh, don't shit me, kid.

In my day, if you didn't have your first piece of ass by the time you were 12,

you would hustle off to a monastery.

Now, come on and trust me. Try it. You'll like it.

Well, boy, this is the first time I ever had to talk my master into a piece of

ass. The very first thing Aladdin asked for was 50 ham grills and a palace for

each one of them.

Now come on and get out of there, kid, before you turn into a plume.

Well, Master Blake, I mean David, sir.

Does this meet with your approval?

Well, it's different.

This is my first palace.

And now, a little something for you, Davey boy.

May I present Bathsheba.

Wow.

David and Bathsheba.

Oh, you are weird, aren't you?

Hmm.

And now, a little something for myself.

The one and only Fatima.

Little Egypt.

And now, a little something to snack on.

Is there someone here that wants to eat me?

Oops.

Actually, I had food in mind.

But you'll do.

David, this is delightful, delicious Delilah.

Sam's son and Delilah.

Kid, you get weirder and weirder every day.

Are they for real?

What you see is what you get.

Far out.

I think I better whip up some real food around here.

Mom?

Mom?

Oh. Oh.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

you

Oh.

Sweet!

Oh my god.

Are you through with all this, kid?

I take it that that means yes.

Thank the great prophet.

Hey, watch out. You're going to drown me.

Don't be such a worrywart.

You won't be needing me anymore. I think I'm going to get some sleep.

Well, my good man, that's enough for tonight.

Go put your bloomers back on.

Oh, that's mighty white of you, kid.

Ew.

Oh. Hi.

Hi. You're in my history class, aren't you? Yes, with Gooch, fourth period.

Your name is, um... Kathy Collins. You're right. I'm, uh... David Bates.

I'm really a klutz with names, you know? Even with your own?

Yeah, well...

I laid awake half the night one time trying to remember Victor Mature's name.

Why Victor Mature?

I don't know. I thought of him for some reason.

Then I couldn't remember his name.

Then I couldn't get to sleep until I thought of it.

That's kind of heavy.

Kind of dumb.

Am I bugging you?

Are you studying?

Yes, I was.

But no, you're not.

I've got an algebra test this afternoon.

Are you? My algebra class? No, I've got Mr.

Friedman's sixth period.

You know, the faggy flowered shirts and the... witch cologne.

He's got all the football players in his class.

He'll pass them, no matter how stupid they are. I've got Miss Marlowe.

Oh, I hear she's a dragon lady.

Yeah, you should see my singed eyebrows.

You'd better get to studying then.

She's giving a test too, isn't she? Yeah, no originality. One gives a test

they all give a test.

Would you like a bite?

Huh?

Oh, your apple.

Hey, would you like a Coke or something?

Sure. Back in a flash.

Don't go away.

couple of cokes.

Cokes? You want me to use my vast and awesome power for cokes? Master, babe,

got no imagination.

How about a palace made of gold?

How about a number two wash tub filled with diamonds?

How about a... But a couple of cokes.

Man, you really know how to impress a chick.

No, no, sweet cokes.

All I want are cokes.

Thanks. Right on, Sahib.

Have fun.

There you go.

What have you got hidden behind the bushes?

Your own private A &P?

Hey, you want to go to the movies tonight?

Clint Eastwood's new picture just opened up yesterday.

Unless you've already seen it. No, I haven't seen it.

Love to go with you.

Out of sight.

Hey, we better get to studying.

Hey,

the flick doesn't start till seven.

You want to go over my house and listen to some records or do something or go

somewhere?

Sure. Where would you like to go?

Where would you like to go?

Why don't we go for a walk?

I'll tell you the story of my life and you can tell me the story of yours.

You know, Kathy loves David and David

loves Kathy.

Like castles and kings Birds of a feather

To robins and springs We

like the same things That makes living sweet And we

love We love midnight movies And balcony seats

I want to tell you baby

What's going to happen every time I want to get away?

Oh, you at it again, kid.

I thought after last night you wouldn't be so full of piss and vinegar.

Is it my fault that I asked to live in your prick?

Well, you could have stayed in there. You didn't have to come out.

Look, kid, you still don't understand.

There's nothing I can do about it.

When I'm rubbed, I turn into a cloud of smoke. It's automatic.

It's pragmatic.

It's oximatic.

Did you know you were scratching?

Of course I knew I was scratching.

You know why you're scratching? Yeah, I itch.

Do you know why you itch?

No. You were in a patch of Ruis Radigan.

Huh?

Poison ivy.

Well, do something.

It's not nice to fool, Mother Nature.

Here we are.

Your private palace playroom.

Now, don't you think this is better than that Tarzan bit?

What about Jane? I mean, Kathy.

Does she know about you now?

She won't remember a thing.

You don't have to stay, do you?

Oh, no.

Of course not.

I'll just mosey on down to your mother's house and have some of those black

chip, I mean, chocolate chip cookies.

Have fun.

Ugh.

Goliath, do other people have genies, or am I just lucky?

Sure. Huey Hefner, Howie Hughes, Harold Robbins.

Lots of people have.

But they had lamps, kid.

That's the secret word, lamps.

Well, why don't you move out of my prep and move into the tea kettle, or the

coffee pot, or the pepper mill? Pepper mill? With my sinus?

I'll even get you a lamp. Look, kid, it's not that simple.

There are regulations.

There are rules.

And there are procedures.

And I'm beginning to suspect connections with the mafia.

But you just keep a tight ass.

I'm working on it.

I wish you'd hurry up. I better get back in. My parents will be home any minute.

Well, who's the master around here?

Yes, sir, boss.

Listen, Simon Legree.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I've got some paperwork to get out, but you're a nice kid. Yeah, a little slow,

but I like you.

So I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to give you a wish.

Yeah?

Yeah, I don't have to, you understand.

It's strictly a fringe benefit.

As soon as I hear the words, I wish, I'll grant. You understand?

I hope so. I don't like these absentee wishes.

But remember, I won't be there to help if you do something stupid.

And I'm only going to give you one.

I wouldn't be giving you any at all, but I'm tired of these constant

interruptions. And Kingfish, the next time you have to rub, would you do it

you're not soaking wet?

Okay.

Right on, brother.

I wish you'd cut your toenails. The devil made me do it.

I'm gone, my dad.

God, that guy gets weirder every day.

No.

What do you want for dinner?

You know what you promised me for dessert.

I'll make you eat all your vegetables.

Stop it, Sam.

I can't believe I'm going to eat the whole thing.

Got you lighting up, man. What's your trip?

Oh, that's nothing. You know Mary Jane Lassiter?

Mary Jane?

Man, Mary Jane wouldn't ball you if you had a solid gold dick and came in

Spanish to me. That shows you what you know, Rick.

Last night, she sneaked into my room, wanted to suck and fuck all night.

I barely got rid of her in time to go to school.

Almost fell asleep in history class.

That's not why you almost fell asleep, man. You were up all night beating your

meat.

Oh, you're an idiot.

Yeah, already five fingers.

Speaking of history class, Davey, old chum, I think Cal's been getting on a

tight knee.

Yeah, we'll be kind of getting it together.

Hey, you been getting any pussy yet?

Shut your fucking mouth, Scotty. You make me sick.

Hey, come on, Dave.

Hey, we didn't mean... thing. Come on, I'm hungry. Let's go get something to

eat, man.

Yeah, come on, let's go get a hamburger, man.

How about it? Come on, come on.

Can't see my face, George.

All right, you kids. Get in the car. Get in. Move that.

Move that.

Move it.

Here, George. Hurry.

Come on, Spike.

What are you taking up?

Shut up, kid.

What are you doing over there?

Nothing, sir.

Oh, boy, shit.

Look at that casket. It's nearly empty.

You see this casket? It's a motherfucker full of...

of class, George. We're seeing too many James Cagney movies.

You never see Eddie or Bogey driving a Pinto getaway car.

I wish.

I wish.

What do you wish, punk?

Nothing, sir.

I know what I wish. I wish we had a small car.

Spike, what are you... Snap out of it, Spike.

What happened to our car, George?

Spike, you idiot.

Will you wake up?

George,

What happened to our car?

All right, get in there.

Come on.

Over on the couch.

Here, Spike.

Time up.

Hey, man. What happened to the other car?

I don't want to talk about it, Bonnie.

What are these kids doing here?

I don't want to talk about it, Bonnie. Have you guys lost your models?

We don't want to talk about it, Bonnie.

Finish tying them up, Spike.

I'm going to go count the money.

What do you think they're going to do to us?

I have a good idea.

You kids shut up over there.

Yes, sir.

We're choked.

I've got a genie.

A what? What's a genie? A genie. A genie named Goliath. You know, like the one

in Aladdin's Lamp.

Oh, yeah.

David and Goliath.

You've been pulling out too many joints.

How did you know that?

I wish I had one now.

Oh, you mean grass.

And I suppose you've got Aladdin's Lamp, too.

I know. I told you that was a good mix -up.

I told you I don't study.

Before they finish counting the money. What do you want me to do?

Unzip my fly. What?

The genie. The genie. What are you kids doing?

Nothing, sir.

What are you doing, Scotty? What are you doing?

God damn it. I told you to unzip my fly.

What?

You want me to unzip your zipper.

You have a genie in your pants? Yes.

I thought genies weren't real. I told you there was some kind of mix -up. I'll

toss it around and I'll zip my fly before they finish chopping money. Come

really a bad guy, you know.

I don't like to kill kids.

But you know too much.

I got it.

Oh, man. I'm sorry.

I just got it.

You understand, don't you? I just got it.

Easy, George.

The cops.

The cops.

Hurry up before they come back.

This is no time for fucking around. For God's sake, Scotty. Do it. I said it.

I'll shoot you myself.

Hurry up.

You're coming back?

What do you want me to do? Rub it.

Rub it? For God's sake. It's only an ambulance, you idiot.

Come on, Scotty. Do it. Come on. Do it. Do it. Do it. What the fuck are you

doing? You want me to rub him off. I mean, jerk him off before you killed us.

You what?

Oh, sweet.

Yeah. I'm very horny.

Are you kids nuts or something?

I think it's cute.

You wouldn't be glad to condemn Anna's last wish, would you? I never heard of

anything so screwy.

George. He should... I mean, he comes fast. It'll only take a few minutes.

Yeah, I'm very horny. Go ahead, Scotty. Wait a minute, boys.

I think I can solve your problem as well as mine.

I always want to go on you.

Buddy, what the hell are you doing?

Buddy, Spike!

Have you both gone crazy?

What happened to your dream?

I don't know.

Who cares?

Who

the

hell is that?

Look out, George.

Now, look, kid.

There's something you've got to learn about the genie business.

You just don't let anybody know you got one.

Otherwise, somebody's shithead will steal your lamp. You've got to keep it a

secret. Well, in your case, I guess that don't apply.

You got a problem, kid?

Yeah. They were going to kill us. Oh, really?

Frank, get in there. Kill them.

Tear the top off.

Hit him over the head with it.

Hit him in the guts.

Hit him in the nuts.

Thank you.

Don't you want one for yourself?

Nah. I think I'll just sit here and see how these two bullshitters operate.

Don't you have anything on your mind besides girls?

Don't you want a palace?

Jewels? Gold?

Arabian carriages?

How about a solid gold Spiro Agnew wristwatch?

Nah. You could get me a camera so I can preserve this for the Smithsonian

Institute. And can't we go someplace a little drier?

Where are we?

Did you and Scotty have a good time last night?

I didn't see Scotty last night.

You mean you two didn't fuck all night?

I wouldn't bother him if he had a solid gold dick and came in Spanish to bloom.

Does she think Scotty has sexy eyes? No, it reminds me of a cocker spaniel.

I mean, ooh, those bedroom eyes.

What about his teeth?

I've seen better on a glass of water.

I mean, ooh, I can just feel myself being... Eaten up.

How about that gorgeous body?

Reminds me of when I thought a bottle of alcohol at the carnival.

I mean, I just wanted every square inch of it.

And how about that cock?

USDA choice, huh?

Oh, yeah. Vienna sausage.

I mean, I'm just starving.

Prime standing roast.

He doesn't have to convince me that.

Your eyes are sexy.

Hi, Barbara.

Or that you've got sexy teeth.

I didn't think you'd ever notice me.

Your body gives me goosebumps all over.

Will you go with me to the senior prom?

Okay.

Look at the eyes and the teeth and the body, by the way.

Barbara,

Barbara,

Barbara.

If you'll excuse me, I think I'll take in a movie. Yeah.

They're having a Sabu film festival in Hollywood.

Today is the Thieves of Baghdad and the Arabian Nights.

Of course, I was technically advised on both pictures.

Yeah?

Oh, yes.

They won't remember anything. Company policy.

You understand.

You're on your own protection, okay?

Have fun.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

That's my cousin, that dude.

He's a green sheep in the family.

Ugh!

Oh, God.

Thank you.

No. No.

No. Why?

No.

No.

No.

Hey, Goliath.

Oh, Jeannie with the dark brown ass.

Where are you?

Are you back in there? I'll get you out.

What do you want

now?

Sabu, we're just about to rescue Maria Matias and turn base.

And what are you doing there? before I was at the movies, not in your brick.

devil made me do it.

Oh, I'm not a well man.

Okay, okay, let's make it quick. I don't want to miss the rest of the picture.

Last note, sir.

All's fair in love and movie going.

Nobody likes an uppity genie.

Hey, why don't you get rid of this wild button and I'll join you at the movies.

Yeah.

Good afternoon, boys and girls.

As I told you yesterday, instead of our regular history lesson, we're going to

see the film I made of my camping trip in Canada.

How many of you have been camping?

Good,

good. Then you all know what a marvelous experience it is to commune with

nature, to hear the birds sing, to...

To see the forest bursting with color. To revel in the flora and fauna.

Harold,

would you turn on the projector, please?

Okay, teach. And lights, too.

This lovely little dell is where we camp the first night.

It's so absolutely marvelous to live with nature.

No electricity, no newspapers, no telephone, no TV, no distractions of the

hectic modern world. To be alone with Mother Nature.

Oh, Mother, that's nature. Lead me to it. The area was full of animal life.

Squirrels, raccoon, possum, deer.

And Mounties.

Rabbits. I even saw the tracks of a bear.

In fact...

The campsite I chose was so fortuitous that I decided to remain there for the

duration.

That's... That's Mr.

Davis, the Canadian Mountie.

I met him quite by accident the first day I arrived.

He was most helpful in showing me the most interesting attractions of the

He even... Class...

He even brought along an extra horse so we could explore further from the

campsite. I wonder who the ranger really was riding.

I know how to find out.

Is someone smoking in here?

No.

Well, see that you don't. You know it's against the rules.

What did I tell you about some of me when there are people around?

Sorry.

What do you want?

Well, do something about Miss Gooch's film.

Let us see what really happened on her vacation.

You also seem to be turning into quite a voyeur.

Kid, you've got one track mind.

Well, here you go.

He showed me all about flies.

He was really a very nice young man. A real credit to the service.

How far out, man.

Now I know why the counties always get their shit, you know.

He let me use his rod and he taught me the proper way to cast.

He was really an expert with a rod.

I think the Mountie rather took a special interest in me.

things the mountain taught me, I think riding was the most fun.

He taught me how to mount properly, how to stay in the saddle for long periods

without coming down with saddle sores.

He taught me the proper way to

dismount without tangling the stirrup.

I must say I really developed a taste for horse flesh.

Although I was a little nervous at first, never having ridden before, the

Mountie soon put me at ease.

He had such a marvelous way with horses.

He almost fought like a horse.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh.

Do I get an A in American history now?

Harry, I think with a little extra tutoring after school at my apartment,

might just get an A+. Right on, Pete.

I'm glad you finally decided to ask for something besides sex. It was getting

very boring, David. Take that Aladdin.

Talking about one -track minds.

He had a palace in Baghdad, a palace in Marrakesh, a palace in Tunis, a palace

here, a palace there, palaces all over the place. And all of them solid gold.

That kid was so hung up on palaces, half his harem died virgins.

But at least I didn't have to live in his cottage.

Speaking of which, when are you moving out?

You know how it is with bureaucracy, kid. Lots of red tape.

I've been filling out forms in Triplett for days.

Why don't you pop back in again? I want to pick up that hitchhiker. And don't

move around so much in there. You're giving me a double hernia.

Y 'all's are both.

Where you going?

Wherever you are, sweetie.

Ow.

Oh, don't be a meanie, Matilda, baby. I wish you wouldn't do that with your

pants closed. I'm getting zipper marks all over me.

Sorry, I didn't do it. He did.

Oh, really?

How fortunate.

If you don't want him, I do.

What are you going to do with him?

In my day, it was socially acceptable to have boys as well as girls.

Of course, he is a little old.

Now, let's cut this crap, Goliath. It's too goddamn hot to be fucking around

like this.

Kid, you're getting a little too big for your britches. I'm going to have to

give you a little more education.

Goodness, Mary, how do you travel?

Here we are again, back in your private palace playroom.

Are we going to play, sweetie?

Well, how about it, baby boy? You want to make a threesome?

Are you kidding?

Uh -uh, Goliath, that just ain't my bag. I think I'm going to just browse around

and check my palace out.

Okay, sweetie, I'm going to turn your ass around.

Goodness gracious Mary Matilda. Oh.

Do me.

Do me. Do me. Do me.

Do.

Do do.

As we say at Gay Lib.

Hard on brother.

Goodness gracious.

Great ball of fire.

I got to give you my title.

Dude, you're going to turn your ass inside out. I'm going to make your ass

like skin cream.

Yeah, you like that, huh?

Huh? Huh?

Double time, double time, double time. Ooh, that asshole looks good. Whip it,

baby. Whip it, whip it, baby.

Yeah.

Whop it, whop it.

nobody gets my big black ass.

I'm going to whip a woman on you.

Have fun.

Hey, Mom, when's breakfast? I've got a date with Kathy.

Davey, if you want breakfast in the next half hour, you're going to have to get

it yourself.

Okay, Mom, take your time.

Sam, Daisy's up.

Yeah, but Daddy's is up too.

Sam.

Martha.

Morning,

Mom. Morning, Dad.

Oh, Davey, how nice.

Yeah. Good morning, David.

Morning, Dad.

That looks pretty good.

Your new car's very pretty, David.

Thanks.

Yeah.

If it's not too much of a secret, would you mind telling us where you got it?

I saved up for it. Out of my life.

That was very thrifty of you, dear.

Honey, honey, I think the toast is burning.

Hey, Goliath, what are you doing?

Hey, this is my first palace, isn't it?

And what are you doing? I didn't rub for you.

I know, Davy, but I've got to talk to you.

You better sit down for this.

Hold that.

You're the best damn master I ever had, Davy.

I don't think I've ever enjoyed an assignment more.

More than you.

But I've got to be leaving, man.

Can you do that?

Well, it is against the rules.

But things are changing.

We're even picketing King Solomon.

We want to clear up the dead without administration so there won't be any

fuck -ups like that.

Well, if you have to go, Goliath, I'm going to miss you.

I mean, we had a lot of fun.

Sure have, Davey.

Well, I gotta be going.

Gee, Goliath.

I don't want you to go.

We're more than just... I mean, we're friends.

I know, Davey boy.

But I've got things to do.

Wrongs to right.

The intergalactic brotherhood of genius amalgamators is just filled with

chicanery. Davey?

Davey? Goliath.

Davey? I hear Kathy.

Send me to her and don't go away. Promise?

Okay. Send me to her.

Davey?

What are you doing? Davey, I've got something unbelievable to tell you.

Oh, hello.

Don't I know you?

Uh, he's a very good friend of mine, honey.

Haven't we met before?

I don't think you remember.

I promise, honey.

I'll tell you about it someday.

Davey, I've got to talk to you.

Me? How did you get to this place?

That's what I got to talk to you about.

It's okay, Davey. I can take the hint.

I'll meet you in the West Wing.

Just rub when you're ready.

Oh, yes, Davey boy.

You can keep the car in the palace as going -away presents. And remember, the

real thing is always better than something you zap up.

Davey, something very strange has happened to me. What, honey?

I don't quite know how to tell you. For Christ's sakes, Kathy.

Honey, don't be mad at me. I'm not mad.

This morning I was taking a bath, you know, and I was washing, you know.

You know what a douche is, don't you?

Oh, damn.

This morning I was washing and suddenly smoke starts pouring out and this genie

appears. What?

I know it's hard to believe, but David Bates.

I'm not making this up.

Oh, honey, I'm not laughing at you.

Well, what then?

I just had a very traumatic experience.

Who do you think he was?

What are you talking about?

That's my genie. He's Goliath. So he's Goliath.

What do you mean?

That's all she's been talking about.

Who?

Samantha. My genie.

Wow.

If she likes him, and he likes her... Yeah?

Then... Why don't we put ours together?

Yeah, Davey, yeah.

Hey, par out.

Yeah.

Well, Goliath, you're going to become the bloomed crusader. No way, man.

That city hall's thinking to his own shit.

He couldn't get me out of here with a stick of dynamite. What did I tell you?

I'm beautiful.

Damn, what a fuck.

Hello, beautiful.

Happens I seen you somewhere before?

Once, but I don't think you'd remember.

You know, you make me think of bath... Baby, I took my bath today.

I sure would like to see more of you. I told you it would work.

It's fantastic.

Okay, thing.

Do your thing.

Why, you devil.

You know it takes two to tango.

Come on, Muff.

Do your job.

Hold on there.

You're a woman after my own heart.

Come here, baby, and let me sock it to you. Baby, I'm going to sock it on you.

Shall we go?

Sure, but what are we going to do with them?

We're going to have a ball.

A real bitchin' ball.

Come on, baby, let's go somewhere.

Hey, Davey, Kathy, you want to come along? Yeah.