Original subtitles

You're watching C -SPAN.

Hey, Netflix, we're for sale, too.

We now go to the Pentagon for a press conference with the Secretary of

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, as you know, there have been concerns about

ongoing military action off the coast of Venezuela.

Here to answer all your questions in a calm, non -aggressive fashion is

Secretary of War, Pete Henson.

right for the chicago trombone because that's what they play when your fat ass

walks around now listen up as you probably read in some gay newspaper

we're now at war with venezuela all you nerds are like wait but was there an

official declaration of war yeah it's right here super finger dean cook

now you got questions for me fine pretend i'm a random fishing

boat and fire away

Okay, is there any truth to the allegations that after an initial strike

drug smuggling boat, you ordered a second strike to kill the survivors?

First of all, that kind of cruel, heartless act has no place in Operation

Everybody.

Second, I wasn't even in the room when it happened, okay? I was so jacked up

after the first strike, I had to make an emergency call to my sponsor. Sorry, a

guy I met at an anonymous meeting.

So I don't drink something that I like and I want, but I can't have, but I want

it and I need it and I want it right now. Ba -ba -ba -ba -da!

It's booze.

Next question.

Yes, what do you say to Senator Mark Kelly, who said you act like a 12 -year

-old playing Army?

First of all, Kelly?

That's a girl's name.

What's his first name? Dress?

No, it's Mark, like I said.

Oh, get a husband.

Well, to answer your question, if I was just playing army, would there be 80

dead fishermen, narco -terrorists in Venezuela right now? Next question.

Yeah, so is 80 the official death toll?

Is 80 the official? No, it's 6 -7, 6 -7.

Idiot.

Let's just say if I had a drink for every Venezuelan we've killed, I'd

like that number of drinks.

All right, next. Oh, my God, is that Matt Gaetz?

That's right!

It's me, Matt Gaetz. I'm a reporter now.

Question.

You're only killing people who are trafficking drugs, right? So,

if someone were trafficking something else, they'd be okay?

We're targeting drug smugglers exclusively.

Giggity. No further questions, Your Honor.

I have a question.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, Will and Grace, go.

My name is actually William Grace.

How do you respond to the allegations that the so -called war on smugglers is

smokescreen for regime change?

Oh, what a way to solve a mystery, Stube.

Of course that's what we're doing, and it always works, just like it did in

Guatemala, Nicaragua, Cuba, Brazil.

Bolivia, Panama, Haiti, El Salvador, Chile, Honduras, Peru, Animaniacs.

Now are we done here? I'm actually worried I'm going to catch dork from you

nerds.

Secretary Hegg said some people are accusing you of war crimes. Even the

president has been distancing himself from you. Oh, wow, that's interesting. I

actually have a question for you. Have you ever kissed a girl?

Like, I'm genuinely asking.

I have a wife.

Oh, okay, well, send her my way when she wants to actually feel something.

Anyway, to answer your question, President Trump has my back 100%. You

know why?

Because I'm like you beta cucks.

He's a high -energy alpha who trusts me and listens to me no matter what. Isn't

that right, Mr. President?

Stop, Mom Donnie.

You can freeze my red anytime.

I wasn't sleeping. I'm very much awake.

Now someone quickly tell me where am I, who am I, and what year might it be?

Good one, Mr. President.

Everything you do that's weird is a joke.

I was just telling everyone here that I have your full support.

Absolutely. We love Pete.

He's a great guy.

It was just fog of war, right? Fog of war.

It's the thing you only say after doing war crime.

Right? You never hear a general go, everything went according to plan in fog

war.

It's like when you go into the sauna at Equinox and suddenly you're doing stuff

you never did before.

Fog of war.

Fog of war. We love it.

It's a great new excuse. We love it. So I stand by Pete, and nothing can change

my mind, unless, of course, it could hurt me in any way, in which case I'll

throw him under one of Mom Donnie's free buses.

Final question.

Yes, Mr. President. More Americans, including your own voters, now blame you

the affordability crisis.

What's your message to them?

Shh. He's sleeping.

We've got to get him to another MRI before he wakes up. And live from New

it's Saturday Night Live!

It's Saturday Night Live!

With... Michael J!

Mikey J!

Andrew Dismute.

Chloe Feinman.

Marcelo Fernandez.

James Austin Johnson.

John Thompson.

Bowen Yang.

Featuring Bobby Brennan.

Jeremy Colhane.

Dan Marshall.

And your host, Melissa McCarthy.

Ladies and gentlemen, Melissa McCarthy!

hosting Saturday Night Live for the sixth time.

And also during the holidays, I mean, come on, pinch me. There's nothing

than Christmas in New York. This special time of year, it's about family and

friends and classic Christmas music.

Come on, set the mood, Gay.

Oh, that's nice.

Speaking of music, there's something most people don't know about me, and

that I am a musician.

And my instrument is the mouth horn.

That's right.

It's the mouth horn.

And I'm a bit nervous, but maybe if we bring down the light, I can give you a

little taste of Christmas.

just say nice things to them.

Oh, I love this time of year, though, where the tree is lit and Santa's

his list. They've got naughty and nice and Epstein.

We could all use a little Christmas magic.

So how about we put a little bit of snow to get us in the holiday mood?

And a piano duet.

I should have asked Anna for a piano, but... Well, wait a minute.

Looks like I just got my wish.

You know, when I was a little girl, my favorite song was... Okay, stop.

Stop. Stop.

Stop.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. Yes.

No, no.

What did you just stop? I need to hit my mark. You are way over your mark. Oh,

I'm sorry. Yep. Back, back, back, back. No, no, no.

I'm just going to set it in place, so watch your fingers, okay? Watch them

because I'm going to put it, okay?

No! No!

Sorry.

Bye.

Well, that's it. Now I've ruined Christmas.

Oh, nonsense, Melissa McCarthy.

Come on.

You haven't ruined Christmas at all.

How are you Santa, Kenan?

Well, just Kenan is fine.

You haven't ruined anything.

Everyone here loves you. I don't know. Now, why don't we do one of your

Christmas songs?

You want me to sing?

No, no. I want you to blow.

That sweet, sweet horn.

Babe, shall we?

Yes, indeed.

Now, what is it?

We just got it in. It's called Rocky Lake Raclette. It's a goat cheese from

Maine. Really good. Thank you. Yeah, well, definitely think about it. I'll be

here. Okay.

Oh, hello, ma 'am. Can I interest you in a sample?

Are you speaking to me?

I am. I've got a beautiful semi -soft goat cheese. If you'd like to try it,

free.

Free for me? Okay, well, I don't know. I don't know what to say. Nobody's ever

done anything like this for me.

Well, it's my job.

Here, give it a try.

Thank you.

I feel bad.

I don't have anything for you.

You don't have to give me anything. Just enjoy the sample and...

Have a great day.

You know what? I will

because of you.

Okay. Awesome.

Awesome. Nice seeing you. Better seeing you.

Free sample?

Yes, sir. This is a washed rind goat cheese all the way from Maine.

Nice. Is it washed rind? Yeah. Probably better than a dirty rind.

We're turning right. Okay.

There you go. There you go.

Hey, sorry. I had to come back because I just, I can't not repay your

kindness. I wanted, I have to give you something too.

I want you to take this ring.

This is my mother's.

I mean, not my biological mother, you know, because I was abandoned in

but this belongs.

This belonged to the woman that was my foster mother who was, you know, my mom

to me.

I just really couldn't. No, look.

Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

My finger's saying, yes, you can.

And she, you know, anyway, she was always like, I'm not your mother.

I'm not barely your foster mother. Stop telling people that I'm your mother. And

I'd say, I'm not telling anyone.

Right? Yeah, right?

What are you going to do with mom? Yeah.

Free sample? You can try it. It's a delicious goat cheese. Oh, my God!

Wow. Sorry about that. But I'm just wondering if I may express

my thanks to you physically.

May I give you a hug?

Sure. You know, but then you got to go. Okay?

Okay. Just anticipating what's going to happen.

That's nice.

Yeah, it's so nice.

That was the best hug I've ever

had.

Not just because it's my first hug, which it was.

It's really good.

Hi, ma 'am. Do you have a dog tied up in the front of the store?

You've got to be more specific than that.

Okay. Do you have six dogs tied up outside?

Four, five, six.

Yeah, those are mine, probably.

Okay. Well, they're barking at people of color.

And one bit the Salvation Army bell ringer. So could you please go attend to

them? Well, you know what? Why don't you just...

Right? Why don't you just untie them and then let them run off?

Right? Because they've become a drain to us and our finances and just a burden

to us.

Don't know her. I don't know her. You want me to untie your dogs and let them

run away?

I don't know you. Yes, but what did you say? I said I don't know you. He said,

but take their collars off so they can't be brought back to us.

I'm not going to do that. So please attend to your dogs. Okay.

All right. Well, duty calls. But before I go, I just really wanted to repay

your kindness.

You defend me like a boy. Yo, what's up, little man?

You did the snowman?

Yeah. That's cool, bro.

Give me some.

Pike, boy!

Yo,

Nathan, wait up, dude.

My confidence is cold.

You can read me like a sister.

Before I...

Little something for your next snowball fight.

Hey, buddy, what you got there? Ooh, is that a nerve?

Wow, this is heavy.

Jesus, this is a real gun!

Who gave this to you?

I don't know. It was just here. Go inside, Teddy, please.

Yeah, we were told to make him feel better.

I think there's been some sort of mistake.

Teddy is my 12 -year -old son.

What? Oh.

Sorry about that.

Have a good one.

But, but, but, but, but, but, but, why are we closing the door on these

beautiful ladies when we still got some business to conduct, Jack? Uh, of

course. I don't know how much cash I have on me. Oh, don't worry about that.

Yeah, we can hit the ATM up. Matter of fact.

I'm gonna drive. How about that? Why don't you make yourself comfortable?

Hi. Do you have a bathroom?

Is that your mother?

You're the perfect kind of constant.

A married boy from the other side.

When I lose faith, you find me every time.

Officer, hi. Sorry to disturb you.

Do you remember the last time you saw your neighbor from across the street?

we didn't really know her. Why?

What happened? Did she pass away?

No. Her mother did, though.

Six years ago.

And we just found her body decomposed into the couch.

Jesus. We still think the sicko is in the area, so if you see her, give us a

call immediately.

Oh, and nice snowman, by the way.

Officer, I saw her.

Really? She went that way.

Suspect team heading eastbound towards Maple.

Hi, I'm, uh... I'm Donna Fonda. I was told to come and find you guys, you

Yes. Have a seat, Donna. Right here.

It's a lot nicer than the inside of my truck.

Yes, it's a little different.

Donna, I'm Carol Shaw.

Hi, Carol. Hello. This is Ed Burke.

Yes. Okay.

Oh, great.

All right. We are here from UPS Personnel Management. We called you in

we received some complaints from a customer on your route.

No, that's impossible, but y 'all take care.

Nope. Donna, don't get up. No, we're not done. We'll tell you when we're done.

Yeah. Have a seat.

The customer provided video evidence from their doorbell camera that we would

like to share with you, okay? So just look right here, Donna.

I'll be honest. I was about to use my old standby trick and pretend to faint,

but I'm going to own my mistake. I messed up, and I'm sorry.

It won't happen again, and you all take care.

Wait, Donna!

Donna, come back. Come back, because it did happen again.

No, that's impossible.

It's very possible. A few days later, at the same home, after placing a package

on their doorstep, You did this

Come on. She doesn't go outside. She's not very good at this.

I'm not going outside, Donna.

And actually, I'm Ed's superior.

And you broke a few laws, actually, because you came back later and you were

quite busy.

Working. Look at that.

Look, dumping out the trash. And recycling.

No, you're not recycling.

Look at this.

Destroying.

It was not a bat rescue. It was a bat rescue.

Look, you know, it was a while ago, okay? It's out of my system now.

And I've moved on.

Oh, okay. Well, this video is from yesterday.

Look at that.

Okay, I'm a human being. I had to go and I couldn't hold it.

Donna, you squatted for 45 minutes before you did.

You want to see this, Donna? Look at that. You shouldn't shame people with

That's not a UTI. Look at this.

Look at that. It goes to night.

You stayed there until the night time, Donna.

You know what? With the AIs and stuff, you can't... Trust that video. Do you

have anything in writing? I'd like to see the complaint. Of course. In the

flesh. This is a sworn statement, and it is notarized by the police.

Is this the official statement?

Yes.

Donna, no. Donna, stop. Donna.

Donna. Donna, come back.

Give me that. Donna.

Donna. Get her.

Don't. Get her back.

Donna. Donna.

Donna. Come back. Stop. Stop. Come back and give me the paper, Donna.

Give me the paper, Donna.

Donna, spit it out.

Donna.

Donna.

Oh, Donna.

Come on.

Donna, spit it out.

Come on, Donna.

That was obscene, Donna.

So that's it, right?

That's it for me. You're going to fire me.

after I've given this company about 17 days of my life.

Donna, you showed no remorse for destroyed property and displayed an open

disdain for customers, okay? You do not belong in a UPS truck.

Well, then where do I belong?

The United States Postal Service, now hiring for the holidays.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dijon.

Gotta see, gotta see, watch as you blow up.

Ballooning.

Pattern me, pattern me, kick your heel on up.

You is a shoe in the city. And that Timmy,

get your hands on up.

Look, it's easy.

It's a T -ball now, so just tee it on up. And make it feel like it's cheating.

But you just, you cheated.

It's too easy like a frown down up or a gap.

In my view, my love, you say you bring it all higher.

Turn it in and watch it all pile up.

It's a girl and it's like any style. There's only one time you say you bring

love higher.

Oh, it's a miracle. You know, my love.

When she gets up, I tap Roger.

So somebody else is tired.

Well, who was running like a.

And had they heard I gave all my love to you, get the keys higher.

See, while I owe me be, I know my life, it could kill.

Just touch your teeth and let it all work out. Do you ring the bell? I

gotta tell you that I owe

my love.

And you'll be.

Let it move right through your ears.

You're still healing me.

Because this is the love.

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you. Good evening. Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Well, President

Trump, President Trump has not yet won the Nobel Peace Prize, but this week.

he did win the equally prestigious soccer peace prize.

At yesterday's World Cup draw, FIFA actually invented a fake peace prize in

Trump's honor.

And that's why the trophy shows Trump's gnarled hands dragging the entire earth

into hell.

The World Cup draw.

was held Friday, and Team USA will first face Paraguay. The U .S. team is

heavily favored to beat Paraguay with the help of their star players, ICE.

On Monday night, President Trump made hundreds of posts on Truth Social,

including conspiracy theories, attacks on Democrats, and even a video of his

cameo in Home Alone 2, which I hadn't seen in a while, and I have to say, the

dialogue, it hits different now. Check it out.

Excuse me, where's Jeffrey Epstein?

Down the hall and to the left. Thanks.

It was there all along.

President Trump said that he will soon release the results of his MRI test from

October. He just needs a little more time to write of genius after the word

stroke.

The publisher of the beloved children's book Franklin the Turtle condemned Pete

Hegseth for using the character in a post about drug boat attacks.

Worse, if you zoom in, you'll see Franklin is shooting at Dora.

House Democrats this week released pictures of Jeffrey Epstein's private

home, and honestly, it's not as nice as I remember.

I think definitely the craziest detail of these photos was that there was one

room with just a dentist chair in it. I don't know if you saw this.

Which seems very weird, but keep in mind, a lot of his girlfriends still had

braces.

Oh, whoa.

Oh, you think the victim should have crooked teeth.

What?

Head of Homeland Security, Kristi Noem, seen here watching the end of Marley and

Me.

She celebrated her birthday last week at a Mexican restaurant where she enjoyed

her favorite food, line cook's pit.

First Lady Melania Trump has unveiled the theme of this year's White House

Christmas decorations, jackhammers.

Republican women are privately blaming Speaker Mike Johnson for no women being

elected chairs of House committees. But Johnson claims he's just following legal

precedent set in the landmark case of bros v. hoes.

It was announced Friday that Netflix is buying Warner Brothers Discovery for $82

billion, which explains why Netflix just raised its monthly plan to $50 million.

for the first time approved building casinos in New York City, including one

the Bronx. Because let's be honest, every visit to the Bronx is a gamble.

I'm glad... I'm glad you said it. Study show!

Studies show that a short trip to a warmer climate can help fend off

depression. Here to give his tropical travel tips is Lance, a redhead who just

went on vacation.

Hello, Colin.

How are you, my friend?

Or as the locals would say, wagwan.

Oh, my God. Lance, I think you got a little sunburned on your trip.

Ah, good eye.

I did get a little kiss of color, and that color is, of course, hell red.

Fun fact, I'm the same shade as a dog's erect member.

Oh.

Thanks. That's a great visual. So, Lance, do you have any travel tips you'd

to share? To share, I do.

From Punta Cana all the way to Bora Bora, several places are the beach.

But when thinking of the thing that fills your suitcase, perhaps consider a

bottle of that white lotion we so love to loathe.

I need to go to a hospital.

Yeah, I mean, should we be worried? It just sounds like you might have sun

poisoning. Oh, come on. I definitely do.

But trust me, brother, I'm feeling 110.

Percent? Degrees.

Wow, the dancing is good. It's good, right?

That's impressive.

Hey, look.

Now I have a new party trick. Check this out. This is a fully frozen TV dinner.

Ready?

Fully cooked.

Wow. That's really great.

Let's just keep it on track. Where did you go on vacation? Jamaica?

Close, man.

It was Ireland.

How did you get that sunburn in Ireland?

Dude, that's the crazy part. I got it on the plane.

I fell asleep with my overhead reading light on.

Stop doing that.

I'm sorry. And look, I mean, if you think my face is bad, my body got it

worse.

Oh, my God.

Oh, what? Why were you wearing a bikini top?

Because usually I'm too shy about my body, but I finally worked up the

to wear a two -piece?

Well, you know, body is tea. What's that?

What?

I think you were saying... Look, Lance, I'm really starting to get concerned,

okay? About your tan?

As you should be, man. You look whiter than the house.

You're not even making sense.

Then I'll do the only thing left that does make any sense.

Bring out an all red -headed children's choir.

Please welcome the Ginger Kindred.

This holiday season, get the ginger in your life, what they truly need.

Love. And some damn sunscreen.

A redhead who just went on a vacation.

I love you guys. I love you for real.

Get out.

What is wrong with you?

7 -Eleven is now selling the popular Japanese -style egg salad sandwich,

is just a regular egg salad sandwich with very strict parents.

A new study finds that the best city in the country for retirees is Orlando,

Florida, while the worst city for retirees is slippery bathtub Wisconsin.

A growing number of studies show that watching short -form videos can lead to

mental cognition problems.

So if you're watching this on TikTok... Today...

Today

marks the 141st anniversary of the completion of the Washington Monument,

was finally finished when they cut off the foreskin.

Do you get it? Yeah, do you get it?

I'm kind of a thinker.

Columbia Sportswear has introduced a new line of Star Wars -based rain ponchos,

like the ones worn by the Rebels in Return of the Jedi, guaranteed to keep

and all women dry as hell.

I like that one.

A new train simulator video game has launched that lets players operate a New

Jersey transit train under realistic conditions.

Conditions like transporting thousands of idiots to New York to stare at a

goddamn tree.

Thank you. Anyhow, this week, a raccoon went viral after it broke into a liquor

store in Virginia, smashed open bottles of alcohol, got drunk, then passed out

in the bathroom.

Here to explain their actions is that drunk practice.

Excuse me.

Oh, God, Colin.

What happened last night? Did we hook up?

No, we didn't hook up. No.

Are you sure?

Yeah. We could do it right now.

out are you okay i'm okay i'm okay

stop

relax i think you have a serious drinking problem yeah

the problem being i can't get drunk in a bathroom without people taking pictures

of me face

On TV.

I know, I know.

And you never see positive representations of

raccoons in the

media. The only thing you'll see of us on a screen is us in a ring camera like

this.

I mean, doesn't Bradley Cooper play a raccoon in Guardians of the Galaxy?

Oh, I wouldn't know. I've never seen it. I'm not a virgin.

How am I doing to you, Colin? I think it's cool that you know about stuff like

that.

I'm starving.

Should we door dash something like tin cans or apple cores?

Oh, you know what's actually good that you wouldn't think is good?

Poop.

I'm sorry. That's disgusting.

Quiet, piggy.

alarm came out the other end hey are you gonna eat that wait those

are my jokes i thought raccoons only eat trash exactly okay

all right you know what you know what

that's calling that's actually really mean

trash pandas, dumpster dogs, the Sarah Shermans of the forest.

Come on. You're not nearly as hairy as Sarah Sherman.

Listen, I just really hope you get the help you need and I hope I don't get

rabies. Rabies?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Rabies is the last thing you need to worry about getting. OK.

All right, come on, Colin.

Let's go back to .

The kid party is upstairs, so you can head up there with your sleeping bag,

unless you'd rather hang with the mom.

Okay, thanks, Mrs. Connelly. Aw, how cute.

Oh, she's great.

Well, cheers, Gail. So good to hang with you, and I can't wait to try these

snacks. Okay, me too.

So what do you all think the girls are getting up to upstairs?

at their playing truth or dare.

You know what? Now, get this. I have never played truth or dare.

Me neither.

Well, here's an idea.

How about we play right now?

I'll start.

I'll start. Okay, Chris, truth or dare?

Okay, truth.

How was your Thanksgiving?

You know what? It was lovely.

It was lovely.

I'll do one. I'll do one. And truth or dare?

Truth. How do you like driving your Toyota Tacoma?

It's really great for Costco runs. I love that.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, my turn, Chris. Truth or dare?

Truth. I couldn't make up my mind.

Okay, is this dip mayonnaise or yogurt?

It's both.

I know, I know. Okay, I'll go. Patricia, truth or dare? Okay, truth. Actually,

dare.

Would you like to go to the bathroom and kiss?

I would.

Well,

okay. We're doing it.

Well, I gotta say, I think this game is interesting and fun. Yeah. I was

thinking the same thing. Oh, look at that.

Oh, that was nice.

Okay,

well, let's keep going. Susan, truth or dare?

Truth. Okay, why does your husband go by the nickname Kip? He won't tell me.

Uh -oh.

Okay,

Ann, truth or dare?

Truth.

How great was Wicked for Good?

Amazing. Okay,

I'll go. Lisa, truth or dare?

Dare. Would you like to go into the pantry and reveal our breath?

Yes.

Well, this game is fascinating.

I'm learning so much about everybody. Me too. I totally agree.

I mean, I can't believe we've never played before.

I know. We're pretty good at it.

I keep wondering, are we supposed to be keeping score or something? Oh, no.

No, I think everybody wins. It's kind of free flow. Yeah, it's free flow. Oh, I

think they're back. Hey, how'd it go?

Okay,

all right, give me one.

Okay, Chris, truth or dare?

Truth. How do you send a photo in a text?

I don't think you can.

I can't do it. All right, let's keep this going. Patricia, what time is it?

7 .15.

Oh, thank you. Okay, and Ann, dare, would you like to go in the

coat room and sit on my hand?

I'd like that very much.

Sorry about that.

What are these?

Oh, they're nuts.

Yeah. It's nuts?

Yeah, it's nuts.

I've never had a nut. It's nuts.

Oh, how was your day? Oh, ten out of ten. It was a blast.

No, no.

No, no. Well, we are covering a lot of ground here. Do people feel like they

need a break? No. No.

And Patricia.

True. What's your Spotify age?

210.

Okay. And Susan.

Dare.

Would you like to go into the yard and choke me sexually?

Yes.

That's a good dare.

We should play this again tomorrow, right? Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, wow. You guys, this has just been such a lovely evening.

I don't want it to end.

Oh, me either.

Yeah, this has been a delight.

I know. Mark and I always love having you guys over.

Yes. This has been amazing.

Yes.

Guys.

Am I crazy?

Should we do this, like, every Sunday?

Yes.

Uh, what do you mean?

This.

Us. Every Sunday. Right?

Dinner.

Sunday supper.

Every Sunday.

Sunday supper, right?

Let's do it every week. Sunday supper.

Well, that'd be nice, but we'd have to get a sitter.

No way, babe. Those teens drive a hard bargain.

Totally.

No, totally. Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, plus we usually do dinner with my parents on Sundays.

How are your parents?

Right. Totally.

You got to do that. Yeah, just, it wouldn't work.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Sorry. I just got excited about Sunday supper.

But yeah, like it wouldn't work, right?

People have lives, Mark.

I'm sorry.

Seriously, guys.

Don't worry.

It's fine.

Is he okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's fine.

He gets himself worked up about Sunday supper.

He seemed really heartbroken. Oh, no, no, no. He'll be fine. He's a tough

guy.

I have an announcement.

I am running away.

I'm sorry, what's happening?

What's happening is I'm running away, Denise.

I'm running away and never coming back because I'm embarrassed I got too

about Sunday supper and no one else wanted to do Sunday supper.

Mark, you don't have to run away for that, man.

Yeah, Mark, it's fine. We're all having a really nice time still. Yeah, yeah,

tonight's been great.

So then we'll do it?

we'll do Sunday supper?

I'm sorry. We can't really... Oh, Mark!

Mark! Mark! No!

Look what you've done. You've been too rough with your things, Mark.

Hey, dude, what did you pick?

It's everything from his dress -up box.

He has a dress -up box?

It's not what you think.

It's to play make -believe.

I've never seen Mark like this. Have you ever run away before?

Yeah, and last week he was ordering pizza, and he said I love you to the guy

the phone. He got so embarrassed that night.

He tried to hop a freight train, but he got scared because somebody offered him

crack.

Well, maybe we can do a different day.

Can we do Saturday supper?

Our son has basketball.

keep a jug of gasoline behind your couch?

Yeah,

maybe we could do something that's less of a commitment.

How about breakfast here every morning at 6 a .m.?

I don't belong in this world, sugar.

I belong out there.

On the tracks.

Where will you go? What do you do?

I'll befriend a large, simple man.

And at the end of the story, I'll shoot him in the back of the head.

But it'll be the right thing to do.

Because he has rabies.

I think you got your references mixed up there, Mark.

I'll always love you.

But now I got to go because I'm embarrassed. I got too excited for

and nobody else wanted to do Sunday supper.

Goodbye.

Wow.

Do you think we'll ever see him again?

I hope not.

Because he is a burden on my life.

He belongs out there.

free soul on the track.

The neighbor's dog was outside and I got scared.

Once again, Dijon.

See, I'm yours.

That's on top.

Ooh, you're nasty.

Cause baby, we got a way to expand this collection.

Say it again, my baby.

And baby, you look good in me. You're the man, my attention.

So give me attention.

Well, I'm at attention.

And you can show it, little baby, all night.

It's all you and I.

I mean, we talk, we talk, we talk, we talk. It ain't no fun.

I guess if we can dive into a two -plus -one, easy.

One night, we can.

This is yours, my baby.

Baby, you look good to me. You demand my attention.

So give me attention.

Will I get attention all night?

A little love and attention.

My little mother intention.

I might make the human connection.

A little human connection.

It's a maker, baby.

It's a maker, baby.

I'm ready, baby.

It's a maker, baby.

Well, it's time.

It's time to expand this collection.

If you'd be a lovebird to me, you'd demand my attention.

Give me attention.

Let's make an addition, baby.

Let's make an addition, baby.

Let's make an addition, baby.

Let's make an addition, baby.

Let's make an addition, baby.

The second edition of the...

You're just nieces. Happy holidays.

Aunt Barb.

Hello. Your cousins are so excited to see you.

Cousin time.

I love cousins.

I'm hanging with my cousins, it's the holidays.

Shotgun, I'll over dip, then back to we play.

I'm watching Catching Fire on the telly. Feeling all right, cause we're sipping

marginellis. Then for the first time, something occurs to me. The post

cousin mystery.

They tell me every time I see them, but I don't know after they leave.

Where do cousins go?

Bye. Thank you, guys. Bye. Thank you, guys. Bye. And have fun in a... Where do

cousins go the rest of the year?

They go to the cousin planet.

Where every cousin lives for 360 days a year. They take a rocket to the cousin

planet. Cousin planet.

The secret world in the sky.

Where every day is today after a holiday.

Every day on cousin planet is the same.

First thing in the morning, eat some leftover ham.

Walk backwards on the treadmill in pajama pants. Get tanned for five hours,

weird nap, learn a dance.

Try to smoke weed with our cousin who is cool.

Get kind of hungry, try to walk through a drive -thru. Does it work?

Then a family secret is revealed.

Grandpa had a mistress he could steal.

What's a mayor?

I am the mayor of Cousin Planet.

The cousin planet is one giant cul -de -sac. I took a song and...

And every conversation is catching up.

Here, ye cousins, there are only two laws.

One law, hooking up.

And the second law is that the first law is flexible.

What? Excuse me? Use your discretion.

A cousin is the daughter of the sister of your mom. A cousin is the son of the

uncle of you. A cousin is the person sleeping on your couch. A cousin is...

On the cousin planet, cousin planet, the dark side of the planet are the cousins

on your dad's side. It's the cousin planet, cousin planet, good luck with

math, just in whatever you're studying here.

Cousin planet, cousin planet, where it's always December, the cousins don't

exist in summer.

Cousin planet, cousin planet,

it's the cousin planet, it's the cousin planet, cousin planet.

Season's greetings, folks.

If you've driven on Warburton Avenue in Yonkers, you've probably seen this

gorgeous glow coming from this extraordinary decorated home.

Here with me today is the couple responsible for all the magic. It's

and Guillaume. Hi, everyone.

Yes, it's happening. Yes, Guillaume. No, put the comb down, Guillaume. Put it

down, Guillaume. Okay, so tell us.

What's it take to put together the biggest Christmas village in Yonkers?

it might not happen this year because I'm not feeling the Christmas...

spirit, but maybe I catch a second wind. I don't know. Well, you certainly, I

will catch your wind when you pass gas under our duvet.

Guillaume. If it's true.

Well, I'd love to learn a little bit about some of your favorite items in the

collection. Well, first we have our minion nativity scene.

Ba -la -la -la -la -la banana.

And then we have one of our favorites.

We have, oh my gosh, fashion Jesus.

And he died on the cross for our sins, and I am dying for this look.

And next up, we have a gingerbread apartment building. It's a five -story

-off. There's a two -bedroom, no bath.

We're gingerbread slumlords, and we've just evicted a gingerbread immigrant

family.

I'm sorry.

Over here, over here.

Here, I'll show you this other one.

Look at this. Have you seen my snow baby?

Okay, you've got to hold him right, Guillaume. You've got to hold him right,

Guillaume. I'm cradling his neck. I'm cradling his neck. Well, you've got to

hold him like this until his brain is still developing. Well, someone's brain

still developing.

Okay, you know what?

Guillaume ran over a woman at the Arby's drive -thru yesterday.

That's not true. That is not true. I did not run her over. I lightly tapped her

with the bottom of my cock against her head.

You know, you two have such wonderful rapport.

We've got more.

There's got to be an interesting story behind how you met, too. Oh, well, I

guess.

We met on Finch, which was a dating app for people who have been burned by past

or current relationships.

Yum. Well.

Wow. And what is it like being gay, being a gay couple in this town?

Gay. Town?

I am a woman.

And Yasu is a village.

She's coming out of nowhere.

She's coming out of nowhere? How dare you? Why am I coming out of nowhere?

am I coming out of? My apology.

Explain, what area is this coming out of? Just get back to your display, huh?

When did you start collecting Christmas decor?

Well, it's not just Christmas. You skipped right over the menorah corner.

Right. And the Kwanzaa Kwanzaa.

Well, sounds like there's a little something for everyone at this house.

Oh, that reminds me. Speaking of little, this is a limited edition snow baby

tree topper. And the fun fact is, this snow baby was preemie, so he has the

Benjamin Button disease.

Yes, yes.

And last but certainly not least, it's a figurine of Rudolph exploring himself

sexually.

Isn't it wonderful?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Rudolph can hook up with a third, but I can't. Oh, you know

what? Okay, well, for meunkers, I'm Ribbed Condom.

And, yeah, I know producers told me to stop saying my name, but my mother named

me, so I'm going to say it. I'm Ribbed Condom.

Condom?