Original subtitles

Hello, moviegoers. This is Mr. Jay speaking to you for Dreamland Studios.

This beautiful mobile home you see before you...

...is the current hideout of the notorious beauty Divine...

...the filthiest person alive.

Because of this cover story in one of your sleazier national tabloids...

...she has been forced to go underground...

...disguising he! appearance and adopting the alias of Babs Johnson.

With he! live he! trusted traveling companion, Cotton...

...her delinquent son, Crackers, and her mentally-ill mother, Miss Edie.

Let's take a peek inside.

It's 10:30. Babs. Babs. Why isn't the Egg Man here?

I'm starving to death for some eggs.

Please, Babs, come in and give me some eggs.

I'm coming, Mama. I'm coming. You can hold on.

Cotton, Cotton. Babs won't give me my eggs.

Cotton, please come in here and give me my eggs.

Be in in a minute, Edie. Don't you worry.

I'll fry you up some, honey.

Eggs. Eggs. Eggs.

Good morning, Mama. I bet you're hungry.

Oh, Babs, I'm starving to death. Hasn't that Egg Man come yet?

I love that Egg Man so much.

No, he hasn't come yet, Mama, but we still have some eggs.

I'll put some on for you.

- Did you sleep well? - Oh, Babs, I slept so well.

Where did you get this train?

Did you sleep in the caboose last night?

- How did you know I love trains? - Oh, it's not a train, Mama.

It's our new mobile home, and I sleep in the other room.

We all have our own rooms this time. Me, you and Cotton.

And Crackers has that nice little shed right out back...

...so he can have his friends in whenever he likes without waking us up.

Isn't it wonderful?

Now, you just sit tight and I'll fry you up some big grade-A treats.

- Over light today, Mama? - Oh, no, Babs, no.

It's sunny out today. I want them sunny-side up.

You know howl like them, Babs. You know howl like them.

I know how you like them, Mama. I'll be right back.

Across town, located in the teeming metropolis...

...known as downtown Baltimore.

...live Connie and Raymond Marble, two jealous perverts...

...that hate Divine's fame and notoriety more than anything in the whole world.

For Connie and Raymond Marble, it was the beginning of the end.

Well, Miss Sandstone, after looking over your qualifications...

...my husband and I have decided that you're not exactly...

...what we had in mind for the job.

Not only have you never heard of Divine, which is one of the key elements...

...for this particular job...

...but you also seem to show a lack of general experience.

And to be honest, we feel you're sort of a dullard.

Well, why do you say that? I did everything you asked.

I even found out who this Divine was.

Too late. Too late. And naturally, you did everything I asked, my dear.

You would never have gotten to this plateau of the job placement test.

I mean, surely you can see our point.

We're not in a position to just take anyone.

This is a high-security job, as you can well imagine...

...and we personally just don't feel...

...that you meet our... Oh, how should I say?

Our admittedly sometimes stringent screening process.

Well, why did you hold me up for so long?

Why did you keep asking me to come back?

I had another job I could've taken.

How could I have gotten information about this Divine you talk of?

I don't know her. You could've given me some lead...

...as to how I could've gathered this data you wanted.

You led me to believe I had this job.

Well, Miss Sandstone, Miss, uh...

"Sandy Sandstone."

You just must've been wrong in your assumptions, weren't you?

I mean, surely you've heard the expression...

...don't count your chickens. Well, apply it.

I never gave you a final answer on this whole thing...

...and as far as you believing that you had the job...

...well, I've never even considered that you would be the applicant...

...that we would choose. You don't know enough.

I mean, I wish everyone was like you and had never heard of Divine...

...but unfortunately, it just isn't like that.

Now, if you wouldn't mind, I do have a busy day ahead of me.

There's nothing left to discuss.

Well, what am I supposed to do now? That's what I'd like to know.

You can eat shit for all I care, Miss Sandstone...

...or eat anything that you like or do anything that you like.

Just don't assume that I want to know your troubles.

Now, if you wouldn't mind...

...I'm a busy woman with a full day's work ahead of me.

Please remove yourself from my office.

You're a real cunt, do you know that? A real fucking cunt.

How can you be so shitty to people? How can you stand yourself?

I guess there's just two kinds of people, Miss Sandstone...

...my kind of people and assholes.

It's rather obvious which category you fit into.

- Have a nice day. - Eat the bird, bitch.

You ready, Ma? You ready yet?

I'm ready, darling. Just let me say goodbye to Mama and Cotton.

I'll be out in a minute.

Okay, but get the lead out of your ass...

...or I'll be late for my date. All right.

Yes, won't I be late for my date? You are gonna love my date.

You'll like her as much as I do.

And I'm gonna bring her back real soon for you all to enjoy.

What do you mean, Humpty Dumpty was an egg?

How could a person be an egg, Cotton? How could a person be an egg?

Well, he had little legs and little arms and he could walk and talk and all...

...just like a person.

Only he was an egg, a little egg, all dressed up.

Ha-ha-ha. Tell it to me again, Cotton.

You should be learning it by now, Edie. Now, listen carefully.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the king's horses And all the king's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again

Do you get it, Edie? Do you understand?

Tell me some more egg stories, Cotton. Please tell me some more stories.

I'm on my way.

You sure are dressed up, Babs. You look real pretty.

Oh, thank you, Cotton.

Why, a girl can never tell...

...who she might run into when she's downtown.

Why, I'm all dressed up and ready to fall in love.

I kind of wish I was going out too...

...but I think Crackers is bringing his lady friend out here...

...and I don't wanna miss that. It's usually a pretty good show.

I know. You can go into town next time I go.

It's just those errands I have to run.

Besides, you and Crackers will have a pretty good time right here.

- That little shed's just perfect. - I know it, Babs.

It'll be the first time we've had anyone out here. I can't wait to see how it works.

I hope she doesn't give us any trouble.

I wouldn't worry about that.

Crackers has a pretty good eye for what he likes.

Just say a little prayer that I find a little something.

Why, I haven't fallen in love for three whole days.

I'm just itching to find somebody with a little imagination.

Bye-bye, Babs. Bye-bye, Babs. Bye-bye, Babs. Bye-bye.

Mother, you do not have to raise your voice...

...and you don't have to yell. We're all right here. We can all hear you.

Aw...

I do have to yell.

I'm starving to death and that Egg Man ain't gonna come...

...and I know it.

You know he never comes until later, Mother.

- She'll be all right. Go on, Babs. - All right.

She'll be all right. Won't you, Mama?

You want some hard-boiled eggs to nibble on while you're waiting?

- Yes. - Yes, I bet you do.

- Bye, Babs. Don't forget the party food. Okay.

Crackers, I'm ready.

Let's go, Mama. I'm late for my date.

Oh, but, honey, how will you ever get back out here from downtown?

We'll hitch. It ain't hard. Just let me off at the Etta Gown Shop.

That's where I'm supposed to meet the little lady.

We'll get back somehow. I just hope she's ready for a little action.

Oh, honey, I know what you mean.

Why, I wouldn't mind finding a little action myself.

You shouldn't have much trouble with your date...

...that is, if she has anything on the ball.

Just hope she likes to experiment. You know whatl mean?

A little sweet talking goes along, long way.

Give me your hand, honey.

Channing. Channing!

Jesus Christ.

- Are they here yet? - Yes, they've been waiting.

Well, show them in.

Mrs. Marble will see you now.

- Come on, Merle, she's ready to see us. I'm coming.

- Hello. - Hi, Miss Marble.

We've been so excited about this all week, me and Merle.

We can hardly sleep just waiting to see little Noodle's face.

And, shit, we usually sleep pretty good.

Me and Etta's really gonna have to settle down.

It's gonna be a lot different with a baby around.

Yes, well, as I said, Mr. Marble and I are about 90 percent certain...

...that you will get Noodles...

...but first have a seat so I can just briefly recheck your application.

Don't say anything, all right? Just don't say a word.

When are you going to get her out of here?

Come on, little Noodles, you just found a new home.

Oh, that's real nice. Poor fucking Alice dies giving birth...

...you can't even bother to move the body...

...and now the bitch has sold the kid.

Poor baby.

And you, you little suckling, can't even get me my tranquillizers.

You shithead, where are my pills? That bitch can afford it.

She's got another couple grand coming for this one.

Can't she at least give me my fucking pills?

I said don't talk to me when I come down here.

I don't give a fuck what you said, you fucking pig.

Get this body out of here. It's making me sick.

When are they gonna get another one? What poor girl will they get next?

I know they're gonna get another one. Just like when I came here.

I replaced somebody, didn't I? You fucking little dingleberry.

That's what you're like, you fucking ball of shit.

I said shut up.

Shut up and don't talk to me when I come down here.

Oh, look how pretty she is.

Aw...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

- Connie, do they get this? - Yes, they do, Chan.

Look how pretty she is. Oh, Merle, I'm so happy.

And, baby, if you're happy, I'm happy, because that's what I'm living for...

...you, me, and now little Noodles.

Thank you, Miss Marble. Without you, we never would've been this happy.

You are a wonderful, wonderful person.

Thank you.

Well, thank you, ladies.

If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be in this business...

...and that's all I care about is satisfying my customers...

...and making sure that the babies are placed in good homes.

Thank you.

- Bye-bye, now. Bye.

We'll see who's the filthiest person alive. We'll just see!

And where is that Raymond? Where is he?

How could he leave me alone..

When there's so much to be taken care of?

Oh...

Please come home, Raymond. I need you so badly.

Can you hurry, driver? I'll be late for my appointment.

I'm going as fast as I can, lady, without breaking the law.

Thirty-eight hundred Greenmount, right?

That's what I said, wasn't it?

- Two thirty. - You can shove 2.30, hack.

Hey!

Why, hello, Cookie. I do hope you're hungry.

I could go for a sandwich.

- Mm, bologna. Mm-hm.

Well, I'll get right to the point.

I can get you information about Divine.

Lots of information, I think, if things go well today.

I have a date with her son Crackers.

Well, this is, of course, an encouraging development.

This is an important assignment, Cookie.

We could all benefit.

You, financially, and Raymond and l...

...well, our social standing is involved to a great degree.

I may have to degrade myself in front of Divine's son.

He's into a very strange sex scene.

I'm going to have to put up with unheard of atrocities...

...in order to pump the information you need out of him.

But I have to know exactly what you want to know...

because my so-called date is this afternoon.

Well, Cookie, as you know, Divine has achieved a sort of fame lately...

...both locally and on the national level.

You may have heard the term "the filthiest person alive."

I have heard the term. The papers call her that...

...and she is known as that to a limited extent...

.in your more crime-conscious sections of the city.

Well, we feel this to be an untrue statement.

We feel that Raymond and I far surpass her...

...in every aspect of the term "filth."

As you know, we run a baby ring. Oh, it's really a very simple process.

We keep two girls at all times who are impregnated by Channing...

...our rather fertile servant.

We sell the babies to lesbian couples...

...and then we invest the money in various businesses around town.

We own a few pornography shops...

...we front money to heroin pushers...

...in the inner-city elementary schools.

We feel that the attention that's been focused on Divine lately is most unfair.

She is merely a common thief and murderer.

Unfortunately for us, our line of work limits our chances for publicity...

...and travel, but this does not mean that we wish to go unnoticed.

After all, we've not worked all these years...

...in order to be upstaged by this fat hog that calls herself Divine.

So we must catch her off guard, you see...

...before she realizes she is being attacked.

We need information as to where they live...

...how many people, their names, their daily schedules.

We wanna know how we can plague her the most...

...how we can make her life as miserable as possible.

How we can prove to her that she is shit compared to us.

Shit compared to the filth in our minds.

Shit compared to what we know to be the filthiest life.

Well, does Crackers know...

...that his so-called date is actually a spy sent by the Marbles?

This is my grandma Edie.

- What's the matter with her? - What's the matter with her?

There ain't nothing the matter with her. She's just my grandma, that's all.

- Why are those eggs all over her face? - I guess she was just hungry, that's all.

She sort of has some problems.

Nothing serious, but, you know, I mean, she just loves eggs, always has.

Sit tight. I'll go see if Miss Cotton's up yet.

She's here, Miss Cotton, she's here.

Shouldn't be long before I get it going.

- That is, if she cooperates, and she will. - Oh, Crackers, I'm so excited.

I've just been sitting right here ever since you left.

What's she like? Does she have a nice body?

What are you gonna do? Something I haven't seen?

Miss Cotton, I got something in mind today...

...I never, ever tried before, something very exciting for me.

My chicken's gonna be in the show.

Me and some nice juicy chickens.

I need this so bad. Make it better than you did last time.

What? You said you liked that show.

I did, I did.

It's just that you were so fucking beautiful in that one that I want more.

I got to see more, Crackers, more than what I've already seen.

Can we have some blood in this one? Just a bit?

And take your clothes off slower. Slower. And don't let her ruin it.

Miss Cotton, you're gonna dig this one.

It's gonna be better than anything I ever did before.

I can feel my blood all through my body.

You know I only do it for you.

It's only you watching that gets me off, you know.

- I'll make it special today. - Please be careful not to touch me.

- Please be careful. - I ain't touching you.

Oh, hi, pretty little face. Pretty little face you got there.

Um-- Hello, I'm Cookie. I understand you're Edie...

...Crackers' grandmother.

Edie, sweetie Edie. Ha-ha-ha!

Is Babs back from shopping for the birthday party?

I'm gonna go. I got a party dress, you know.

- When is the party? - Oh, Babs' birthday.

- Are you the Egg Man? - Well, no. No, I'm not.

Where's Crackers' mother?

Oh, she's calling all the people to invite them to the party...

...and I'm gonna go.

Well, I see you're up, Granny. Ha-ha-ha!

Miss Cookie, this is Miss Cotton. She's one of my roommates here.

- Charmed, I'm sure. - Hello, Cookie.

You sure are a fine-looking young woman.

Crackers has told me about you.

Why don't you show her the shed? You'll like it out there.

- It's so private. - Oh, I'd love to see it.

- Do you sleep in here? - Of course, next to Babs.

I couldn't sleep anywhere else.

Come on, Cookie, I'll go show you my chickens.

Oh, you have chickens? I love little chickies.

Hold it! - Aah!

No!

No!

Hold it! Right there!

Stop!

Hold it!

- Hold these goddamn chickens. - Chickens!

God!

Don't!

Chickens! All these chickens. Fucking chickens!

These fucking things hurt!

These-- Oh, God! You're crazy.

EW... Yes.

E99 Man. Egg Man.

- Anybody home? - Cotton! Cotton!

I'm in here! I hear the Egg Man!

In here! In here, Mr. Egg Man!

Eggs! Eggs! Oh, help! God! God!

In here! In here! In here, Mr. Egg Man! Here I am! Oh! Come on!

Oh! Oh! The Egg Man. The Egg Man.

Hello, Edie. How's my little princess today?

Mr. Egg Man. Oh! Heh.

Mr. Egg Man, we're having a party for Babs on Thursday.

- We'd like you to come as Edie's date. - I would be honored to attend...

...especially with such a beautiful date.

And now, Edie, what will it be today? I have grade-A extra large.

I have grade-A large. I have medium. I have small.

I have brown and I have white.

Why, look. Just look at these. So fresh you could hardly believe it.

Why, they're just begging to be scrambled or fried...

...or poached or hard-boiled...

...or all around ready to be thrown into a big, fat, juicy omelet.

How about it, Edie?

What'll it be for the lady that the eggs like the most?

I want them all.

I'll have the brown ones and those great big white ones...

...and I'll have those over there.

And I want some for frying and for scrambling...

...and for hard-boiled for snacks.

- Oh, God, and I'll have those over there. - All right, we'll buy them all for you.

How's that? We'll buy them all.

Oh, Cotton, you make me so happy, you and the Egg Man.

Please, Mr. Egg Man, please don't ever quit your job.

I'll always need-- Want eggs. Always and always and always.

Miss Edie, as long as there are chicken laying...

...and truck driving and my feet walking...

...you can be sure that I will bring you the finest of the fine...

...the largest of the large, and the whitest of the white.

In other words, that thin-shelled ovum of the domestic fowl will never be safe...

as long as there are chicken laying and I'm alive...

...because I am your Egg Man and there ain't a better one in town.

Oh, Mr. Egg Man.

Nothing but these fucking jerk-off hippies on the road today.

Oh... Where are their little pig girlfriends?

God, I get so tired of just driving around, driving around.

Here's one up ahead. - Pull over.

- Mm. She looks real good. - She'll do just fine.

Thanks.

- Have a seat. - Thank you.

- Hi. Where'd you get this beautiful car? - At a car dealer. Where did you think?

- Where you going? - Just downtown.

Anywhere near Howard Street.

- Meeting someone? - Yeah.

- Who? - My boyfriend and a couple other guys.

- Why? - Going to a gang bang or something?

What? Hey, what's with you two?

We wondered where you were planning to spread your VD today...

...that's all, hussy.

- Hey, I don't think that's necessary. - Oh, you don't, huh?

How would you like to fuck my chauffeur?

- He's got a real horse dick on him. Hey, Connie.

Hey, just let me out here. This is fine right up here.

Why get out here? This isn't downtown.

We're nowhere near downtown.

What's the matter, you afraid it ain't big enough?

Cut it out! Just let me out here, please.

- Sit back. Give me the rag. - Get the fuck off of me!

Please!

There. She's out now.

I have a new friend for you.

Already? You got one already?

Why is she asleep? Or is she dead? Did you just kill her?

Where did they get her? Where'd they get this one?

Hitchhiking, just like you were. Doesn't pay to hitchhike these days, does it?

And I guess you're gonna fuck her now, is that it? Right in front of me.

The poor girl. The poor girl has to fuck you.

Thank God I don't remember it. Thank God you spared me at least that.

I have a surprise for you this time. I don't even have to touch her.

How'd you get out of that part of the job?

Did your boss finally decide someone else would do it?

Who? Her slimy boyfriend?

Is she going to let that fag do it in front of me?

That whore!

Oh, no. This is a surprise for Connie and Raymond too.

I have it all figured out this time. I don't even have to touch her.

Why did you have to touch me? How could I have a child by you?

What a repulsive thought. Oh! You pig, you animal.

How could you keep doing this?

Oh, my God! What are you doing? Why are you doing that in front of me?

Stop it, you asshole. Oh, how vile can you be?

Shut up. Shut up. You'll see. Just shut up.

I swear I'm gonna throw up on you, Chan.

I swear I'm gonna puke if you don't stop doing that.

Turn your head if it makes you sick. Don't watch.

Think of how sick it made me to touch you.

And now this one...

You repulsive pig.

You hate her so much you get her pregnant this way?

Oh, my God. Stop it. Stop it, you filthy animal. Stop it.

Shit. I'll get it.

- Just let me finish you off. - It may be Cookie.

Come on, you're almost there.

But it's probably Cookie with the information.

Answer it, then. Answer it!

- Marbles' residence. - Mr. Marble? This is Cookie.

No, no. I'm all right. I'm back at my mother's.

I was afraid to come directly there. I thought maybe they'd be following me.

Look, I have to have my money immediately.

Of course you'll get your stool pigeon money. Why are you so suspicious?

Naturally, I'm going to question you about the money.

You have no idea of what I went through to get that information.

You did call yourselves the filthiest people alive.

Well, what kind of credit rating do you think that is?

We need that information...

...so we can prepare our surprise for that slut.

Hold on a minute, Cookie.

She's afraid we won't pay her if she tells us.

Why? Isn't she coming here like she said she would?

Let me talk to her.

Cookie, this is Mrs. Marble. What is this nonsense about the money?

- Of course we will pay you. - I'll tell you everything...

...but you have to meet me right away with the money, all 2000 of it, in $20 bills.

We'll meet you at Harry Little's Sub Shop on 25th Street.

You name the time.

All right, now give us the information immediately.

- How do we even know you were there? - Oh, I was there all right, Mr. Marble.

Divine is living under the name of Babs Johnson.

- Babs Johnson. - Babs Johnson.

Oh! What a stupid fucking name.

She sounds like a chimpanzee on a tire swing.

She's living in atrailer in Phoenix, Maryland.

Who does she live with? Her mother.

She lives with her mother and her mother sleeps in a playpen.

Like a baby? Oh, God, how heartwarming.

- And her son and her traveling companion. - Mm.

Birthday? A party? When?

Oh, how perfect.

Oh, that pig will never get away with it. Never, never, never.

It'll be her most embarrassing birthday yet.

Mr. Marble, I should be there in about 20 minutes.

You'd better be there or I'm gonna tell Crackers everything about you two.

Thank you, Cookie. At last our plan can begin.

Are you ready for phase one, Raymond?

Oh, God. At last we can show her.

At last we can put our plan into effect.

I only wish I could see her face. Her fat little face...

...when she realizes that there is indeed someone filthier than her.

Oh, she can eat the cover of Midnight.

She can eat all her publicity in front of her rotten little party guests.

- Is her present ready? - Oh.

Yes. I've had it for several months now, Connie.

Look. Here it is.

Oh, I've had it for almost a year now, all ready.

Special delivery.

Phase one, the filthiest gesture in the world.

Her little surprise package.

Do you think she'll like our little gesture, Connie?

Do you think she'll appreciate our little gift?

For over a year now, this has been only a dream...

...only a prayer, but we have her address now.

It is a reality. She will realize soon.

She will know soon. Oh, Connie, at last...

...the battle of filth shall begin.

Oh, I love you, Raymond.

I love you more than anything in this whole world.

I love you even more than my own filthiness.

More than my hair color.

Oh, God. I love you more than the sound of bones breaking...

...the sounds of death rattle...

...even more than my own shit do I love you, Raymond.

And I, Connie, also love you more than anything...

...that I could ever imagine.

More than my hair color.

More than the sound of babies crying, of dogs dying.

Even more than the thought of original sin itself.

I am yours, Connie, eternally united to you...

...through an invisible cord of finely-woven filth...

...that even God himself could never, ever break.

That old black magic's got me in its spell

Old black magic that you weave so well

Icy fingers up and down my spine

Same old witchcraft that once was mine

Round, round, round! go Down, down, down I go

In that spin, that fabulous spin that I'm in

That old black magic called love

Cotton, dinner's on.

Crackers, dinner's ready.

Well. You're looking pretty chipper, Mama.

How was that Egg Man today?

Oh, Babs, he's gonna come to the party as my date.

And Cotton bought me so many eggs today.

- Oh. - Look at these. So many little eggies.

And I'm still starving.

And I'm going to eat them all...

...before I go to sleepy. Ha-ha-ha. - Oh. Good.

Mm. Smells delicious, Babs. Thank you, Cotton. It should.

I warmed it up when I was downtown today...

.in my own little oven.

- Babs, where do eggs come from? - From little chickens, Mama.

They lay them, and we eat them.

But suppose someday there weren't any chickens.

Would that mean there wouldn't be any eggs?

Oh, I don't think you have to worry about that, Mama.

But is it true, Babs?

If there weren't any chickens, there wouldn't be any eggs?

- Is that true? - Heh.

I suppose so, Mama, but there will always be chickens.

You can be sure of that.

But suppose someday it happens.

Suppose someday there weren't any chickens.

Oh, Babs, what could I possibly do?

And then the Egg Man wouldn't have... He wouldn't have a job.

- It might happen, Babs. What could I do? - Now, Mama, that's just egg paranoia.

I think you're being very silly. There will always be chickens.

Why, there are so many chickens now...

...that we can eat some and let some of them live...

...in order to supply us with eggs.

Chickens are plentiful, Mama.

The world will never be without chickens.

You can be sure of that.

Afternoon, Ma. - Hi, honey.

Mm. - Aren't they good?

- Who could that be? - I'll be right behind you, Ma.

- Answer it. It might not be nothing. - It's a fucking mailman.

A mailman? What kind of shit is that? There ain't no address here.

I'll take care of it. Mother, shut up.

- Crackers, cover me. - Okay, Ma.

Cotton, take that gun. You know how to use it. Right between the eyes.

- Yes? - Miss Babs Johnson?

- Yes, I'm Babs Johnson. - Special delivery package, ma'am.

Sign here, please.

What do you mean, special delivery package?

There's no address here.

Says right here, "'Babs Johnson, a trailer, Phoenix, Maryland."

- And you are Babs Johnson, aren't you? - Of course I'm Babs Johnson.

I just told you that. But there is no address here.

This is not on any road, route, or street...

...and I don't want people on my property...

...so don't ever bring mail here again. Do you understand?

The next package you bring me is getting shoved right up your little ass.

- Can you comprehend that? - I understand.

I comprehend. I understand.

Now you've received some new training, as you call it.

You'd better remember it.

You have exactly 15 seconds to get off of my property, motherfucker...

...before I break your goddamn neck.

One-1000, two-1000...

...three-1000, four-1000.

Run, you bastard, run!

Good work, Babs. He ran just like ajackrabbit.

That was a postman, Ma, I'm sure of that. Least it wasn't no porker.

- I thought it was the cops. - Who could've sent me this?

Who would dare send me a package like this?

The return address is "The Filthiest People Alive."

Who would dare use that title? Who would dare?

It's wrapped all fancy. It's just a birthday present, Babs.

No, it's no birthday present, Cotton. I smell deep, dark trouble.

Oh, my God Almighty!

Someone has sent me a bowel movement!

- Oh, Babs! - A turd, Mama, a turd.

Who could've sent this? - Aah. A turd? Oh, a turd.

Oh, Babs.

This is a direct attack on my divinity.

A direct attack on the peace and harmony of our last weeks here...

...an outrageous attempt to humiliate and disgrace my private life.

Someone will pay for this.

Someone will pay with their life for this grossly offensive act.

Mama, nobody sends you a turd and expects to live. Nobody.

Why would anybody do this to us? Why? Look.

- Look, here's a card. - Read it, Cotton.

It's a birthday card, a fucking birthday card.

Well, what does it say? What does it say?

Oh, God, Babs.

- "Happy birthday, fatso. - Aah!

You are no longer the filthiest person alive.

- We are. Signed, The Filthiest People Alive."

Oh. Oh!

Just as I thought. A deliberate attempt to seize my title.

Egg Man didn't do it, Babs. I know the Egg Man didn't do it.

I don't think he did, either. Now, shut up and let me think.

That Cookie was asking questions, Crackers. I heard her.

She's right, Ma. But why would she send us a turd?

Who knows? Who knows?

These are obviously jealous people.

Jealous of our careers, of all of our press.

Why else would they sign that "The Filthiest People Alive"?

Everyone knows that title has become my trademark.

Why, to use it in this way is only to insinuate that they are filthier than l.

How could anyone seriously believe that?

How could anyone be filthier than Divine?

I'm afraid our little vacation must come to an end.

This must be nipped in the bud. It's already out of hand.

Now we must outfilth the asshole or assholes that sent this.

And then they must die!

Connie and Raymond Marble...

...while you are away, the servants will play.

Well, Miss Sandstone, after going over your qualifications...

...Mr. Marble and I feel that you are not exactly...

...what we had in mind for the job.

Not only have you never heard of Divine...

...which is one of the key elements for this job...

...but you also seem to show a lack of general experience.

And to be perfectly honest we feel that you are sort of a dullard.

Why isn't Channing here to take off my coat?

He's getting lazier and lazier as each day ends, Raymond.

I'll speak to him.

We must remember that Channing isn't as intelligent as you or l.

This is a high-security job, as you can well imagine...

...and we personally just don't feel that you meet our...

Oh, how should I say?

Our admittedly sometimes stringent screening process.

- Who on earth is that? - Sounds like Channing.

Well, doing what, I'd like to know. Shh.

I love you, Raymond. I love you more than anything in this world.

I love you more than my own filthiness, even more than my own hair color. Oh!

More than the sound of bones breaking, the sound of the death rattle. Oh!

Oh, my-

And I, Connie... l, Connie, also love you...

...more than anything I could ever imagine.

More than my own hair color...

...more than the sound of babies screaming...

...the sound of dogs dying.

- What do you think you're doing? - What is the meaning of this outrage?

Let me at him. I've been waiting to do this for a lifetime.

No, Connie, no. Unh.

How do you dare to be dressed as you are?

How do you dare to be saying the things we heard you say?

No. Please, listen. I didn't mean any harm.

- Let me go, Connie. - You little asshole.

You'd better start explaining.

How dare you go into my personal clothes closet...

...and get my suit.

And that's my makeup you have on, isn't it?

You sneaky little drag queen. You've been spying on us, haven't you? Huh?

Haven't you, aerial ears?

Mimicking my wife's hard work and her beautiful appearance.

And having the gall to repeat words that Connie and I spoke confidentially...

...words that are guarded by the holy seal of matrimony.

Oh, I can't help it. I didn't mean any harm. It was just playing.

Playing? Is that what you call it, Channing?

Or should I start calling you Connie now?

- Is that what you'd like? No, Connie. Stop hitting me.

I didn't do anything to you.

I was just here by myself, and I get feeling funny when I'm alone.

Those girls are down there, don't forget.

And I can't stand being in the same house with them.

If I sit downstairs, I can hear them screaming...

...screaming and crying, and then I get all nervous.

Then I get these spells. I don't plan it. ltjust happens.

And then, well, I think about my position...

...my social standing, just like you two do...

...and I just play.

I just make believe that I am you. I know it

isn't reality. I know that I'm really me.

Haven't I been a faithful servant for two years now?

- Haven't I given you my all in this job? - Oh, you've been faithful, all right...

...faithful in your stupidity, faithful in your laziness...

...faithful in your incompetent lame-brained attitude.

And now this shockingly flagrant breach of contract.

We can no longer employ you here at 3900, Channing.

That is obvious.

There will be a complete inspection of all your bags, Channing...

...so do not attempt to take any of my clothing with you.

I will also take a complete inventory of all my belongings...

...from makeup-- Oh, God.

Right on down to panties.

And of course have everything sent to the cleaners immediately.

God knows what you could've gotten on my clothes.

Now go to your room, Channing, and stay there until we summon you.

Oh, please change your minds. It was only playing.

- I won't ever-- - Stop that yammering and move.

Don't try anything funny or you'll be down there...

...with Suzie and Linda. How would you like that? Ha!

Had we known, we would've given you a maid's uniform...

...instead of a butler's.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Just playing. Just playing. I know I'm not you, Connie.

It was just playing. I didn't mean any harm.

Raymond, I wasn't really spying. It was just playing.

Oh, what will they do with me? Oh, God, please make them let me stay.

I'm afraid. Oh, God, have mercy on me.

- Now what are you saying? - Nothing, Raymond.

God, nothing. I wasn't saying anything.

Connie and I have to go out.

We wanna be sure you stay in your room, so we're going to lock you in.

Lock me in? I won't go anywhere, Raymond. Please.

You shouldn't mind staying in here.

It's rather obvious that you are, to use vulgar slang, a closet queen...

...as they call it.

No, Raymond, please. Don't lock me in. Please.

I won't go anywhere.

I'll just stay here and be me when you're gone.

I won't even think about being you. Please.

With the shock of the obscene parcel still fresh in their minds...

...the trailer residents bravely go ahead with their birthday celebration...

...and the Egg Man lets his true feelings be known to Edie.

Oh, happy day-

Edie has accepted the Egg Man's offer of marriage.

- You mean you'll bring me 50 eggs a day? - Mm-hm.

And I can come and visit Babs and Cotton and Crackers?

And you'll buy me a new girdle and bra and pretty underthings?

Yes, Edie. Yes, yes. I'll make you the happiest Egg Lady ever.

Don't you worry about that. I love you.

I love you more than anything in this whole world.

And right after the party's over...

...you and I are gonna take our first little trip together.

I'm gonna take you to the largest poultry factory...

...on the East Coast.

And then you can eat and eat and eat all the eggs you ever want.

A hundred eggs a day? You mean I can eat a hundred eggs?

- A thousand if you want them. - Oh, I do love you, Mr. Egg Man...

...even though I do love my little eggies...

...just a little bit better.

But I do love you, Mr. Egg Man, more than any man I have ever known.

And I, Edie, love you more than any woman I have ever laid eyes on.

And if you love me just half as much as you love them eggs...

...then our marriage will be just as good as sealed in heaven.

Operator, give me the police office, please.

- County headquarters. - Phase Three, Raymond. Phase Three.

Hello. I'd like to report a lewd and disorderly party.

No. I'm a neighbor, and it's making me sick.

The sight of such perverts guzzling wine and taking dope right out in the open.

Tell them where it is.

It's on Philpot Road, first driveway on the left.

Walk up into the woods and it's taking place in a trailer.

I believe a woman does live there, if you can call her a woman.

She is a whore, officer.

I feel, when I see these things going on, that it's my duty to report them.

Even with the hectic events of the day...

...Raymond Marble still finds time to satisfy his perverted urges.

Watch as he not only commits another act of indecent exposure...

...but adds to this social horror by making his wife wait in the car.

Is there no shame?

That is not the only shock you have before you, Raymond Marble...

"because at this exact moment...

...Divine has learned of your jealous scheme...

...from the local town gossip.

She also has your address, asshole.

Connie! Raymond!

They're probably hiding their asses.

It'd be a prudent move on their part if they were...

...but I could smell them if they were here.

Come on, let's go upstairs.

- Connie, you have company. - We got something here for you.

Ew. Their bedroom. Their fuck chamber itself.

This is where they mate, Crackers, right here on this very bed.

This is where they touch their uninspired little organs together...

...vainly trying to recharge their worn-out battery of filthiness...

...thrashing and moaning in the still of the night.

What kind of shit turns them on, Mama?

- What do they do in here? - All sorts of disgusting positions...

...I would imagine, Crackers.

Connie probably takes Raymond's little peanut of a cock...

...between her brittle, chapped lips...

...and scrapes her teeth up and down on it...

...while Raymond thinks he's getting the best head on the East Coast.

Then they probably sit here and stare at each other's blue and red hair...

...while they goose each other and say dirty words. Oh.

Get everything real good, honey.

Crackers, get this couch real good.

They probably sit here and say all sorts of banal things to one another.

Why, they may have even decided to send us that turd on this very sofa.

I'm getting it on, Mama. Don't you worry.

They think they're filthy.

We'll just see what the furniture thinks.

- Right, Mama? Am I right? - Yes, Crackers, yes.

Don't miss anything.

Should I shit on the floor, Mama? Right here in the living room?

No, Crackers, no. Don't do anything yet.

Just get your saliva glands going.

Real good.

Juicy.

But is it enough, Mama? Will it be enough?

Shouldn't we do something a little filthier, a little heavier?

Just to be sure.

Oh, we still have other rooms to go. The dining room! Ha, ha.

This is where they eat, Crackers.

This is where they shove dirty portions of bacteria...

...down their weasely little throats.

This is where they-- This is where they spread germs, disease and infection...

...gobbling obscene fruits and vegetables...

...all in the name of health. How disgusting.

Get this table soaking wet.

Oh, Mama, Mama, this is gonna work.

Our divinity will show through.

It'll show through all the bullshit crammed in this little dwelling.

The house will react, Mama. It's gonna react real good.

Oh, Crackers. Oh, Crackers, my baby Crackers.

No house can stand the two of our venom.

My saliva, oh, Crackers, it will work.

Without you, it wouldn't have been enough.

Oh, my only son, Crackers.

Oh, Mama, Mama.

I just thank God above I was lucky enough to be the soul...

...that was placed in my body, the body of Divine's son...

...the body and blood of another generation of divinity.

Oh, Crackers! Crackers, my only baby.

Crackers, my own flesh and blood, my own heritage, my own genes.

Oh, Crackers, let Mama receive you like communion.

Let Mama make a gift to you, a gift that only a mother can make.

A gift so special it will curse this house for years after we're gone.

Oh, Crackers, a gift of supreme motherhood...

...a gift of divinity!

Oh, Mama.

Oh, Mama.

Oh, Mama, I want to accept your gift.

Oh, Mama, accept it as a loving son should, Mama.

Oh, Mama, a son that would kill for you...

...steal for you, even die for you, Mama.

Oh, yes, Mama, I accept your gift.

I accept it as a loving son should, Mama.

Yes, Mama, I'm yours, completely yours.

Oh, Crackers, prepare to receive the most divine gift a mother can give.

Oh, Mama. Mama.

Oh, this will clinch it.

This will ruin this house forever.

Oh, Mama.

That's it. That's it.

Do my balls, Mama. That's it! Aah!

Farther, farther down. Oh, Mama.

You're the best. The best ever.

I should have known you'd be better than anyone.

Crackers, somebody else is in here.

- But, Mama! Mama! - Oh, quit that!

- Goddamn it, Mama! - Get your gun!

- Somebody else is in the house! - Goddamn it.

This place ought to go up like a tinderbox.

Let's spread it everywhere.

God, I love the smell of gasoline, Raymond.

We are the filthiest people alive.

As we have always been, Connie.

Oh, revenge, sweet revenge.

I wonder how that fat cow likes prison.

Probably couldn't fit the sow into a cell with anybody else.

I wonder how her party guests like her now.

I wonder how-- If she had a happy birthday.

Let's get out of here. Fire makes me nervous.

Nonsense, Raymond. Fire is beautiful...

...licking and scorching everything it touches.

Get some more on here.

Get their bedrooms good.

Who else is in this house? Where is everyone else hiding?

Just the girls. Don't hurt me. I won't call the police.

You're goddamn right you won't. Where are Connie and Raymond?

They're out. I swear they went out. Just the girls are here.

- Just the girls in the cellar. - What girls?

The girls they keep locked up in the cellar. Please let me go.

Just let me out of this house.

You can do anything. Just let me out of this house.

When will the Marbles be back? Tell us!

I don't know. I swear I don't know.

They locked me in here this morning.

They fired me. Just let me out of this house.

Please, just let me out of this house.

Come on. We'll go see about these girls you keep talking about.

Oh, please help us. Oh, please.

What is this? Oh, please, please help us.

Call the police. Contact my parents.

Please take this note. The address is on the back.

What's happened? Please, tell us what's happened.

Where are Connie and Raymond Marble?

- What is this shit? - How could I know?

I've been locked up here.

I never saw them except for the day they kidnapped me.

We never see them, only Channing.

Please help us to escape.

I'll repay you, whoever you are.

I beg of you to free Linda and lfrom here.

Please, so I can have an abortion before it's too late.

If you free us, we will do anything.

Did the Marbles lock you down here? Did they do this to you?

Yes. I've been down here for months...

...endless, horror-filled months in this damn pit...

...chained like a starving animal...

...only hoping that I would be killed rather than continue living like this.

You never see the Marbles? Never?

No. Only Chan...

...this repulsive pervert you have tied up.

Please, he raped us both so we'd become pregnant.

The Marbles just sit up there waiting for us to die in childbirth...

...and then they sell the poor babies. It's been a nightmare.

If you don't free us, we will die and rot in this pit.

- They have no mercy. - Free them, Crackers.

I'll hold him.

- Chan's got the key in his pocket. - No! Let me go! I didn't do anything.

Shut up, you filthy bastard.

Miss Lady, whoever you are, don't let him go. Please.

He is our keeper.

He has beaten me many times and caused me untold misery.

He's one of them! Don't let him go!

- He works for the Marbles! - No. I was only doing my job.

- I have no malice towards either of you. There you go, honey.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

- Oh, God, I can go home again. - Keep him tied.

There you go, missy, free as a bird.

Thank you so very much.

Could we chain him?

Do whatever you like. You can even kill him if you want to.

Either you do it, or we will, whichever you prefer.

- Oh, let us. Let us. - Oh, let us.

- Well, Chan, the tables turn, don't they? - No, please, Suzie, I couldn't free you.

I was only doing my job. Have mercy on me.

Bullshit, Chan. You could've freed us.

Why didn't you help us escape if you felt no malice towards us? Bullshit!

You kept us locked up like slaves, bastard...

...and you're gonna pay for it.

I'm gonna cut that big fat worm right off you.

Oh, no. Oh, God, not that.

Hey, jerk off just one more time, stud.

- Just one more time. No.

Hold him. There. I've got it. Cut it. No. No.

- Light it, my darling. - We are the filthiest people alive.

Fire, fire, burn it down.

Fire, fire, to the ground.

Oh! Burn, you fucker! Burn!

Let's hurry up and get out of here before someone sees the smoke.

The smoke, Connie. It's done.

- The battle of filth has been won. We are the filthiest people alive.

Run, Connie, run.

Filthiest!

- Goddamn Marbles. - We'll take care of them, Mama.

We'll get those assholes.

- Mama, look, there's smoke! - Oh, my God!

- Oh, the trailer! - Oh, no! No!

on! on, no! No!

My gorgeous hideaway.

Oh, no! No! No! No!

All our gorgeous antiques! - Oh, God!

Our priceless theatrical ward robe.

They did it! Them fucking Marbles did it!

Back! Back! Back to the Marbles. A press conference!

Back to the Marbles and seize those fuckers!

I'll kill them! I'll kill them!

At last it is over, Raymond.

The battle of filth has been won.

This calls for a celebration.

- It certainly does, a victory celebration. - Oh, Jesus!

God, I love you, Raymond.

Are you happy with our filthiness, my darling?

Are you glad that your wife is here beside you...

...sharing with you this bond of filth?

This has been the most important day of my life, Connie.

Filthiness is a reality.

After all these years of nagging uncertainty...

...I know now that we are indeed the filthiest couple alive.

Come to me, my darling.

Come receive what was promised you...

...in the holy vows of matrimony.

I am yours, Raymond, all yours, my beautiful darling.

- Connie? Connie, are you all right? - What happened, Raymond?

- What happened? - The couch, it rejected you.

Something's wrong, Raymond. Something's terribly wrong.

It's just out of order. You're all right, honey. Get up.

I'm afraid to, honey. How can a couch be out of order?

Something just went wrong with it. You're all right.

See? This chair is okay. It's all right.

But that couch threw me, Raymond.

Nothing can be the matter with that couch. We just got it.

- Raymond! - I'm all right, honey. I'm not hurt.

Something is the matter with this house.

Channing must have done something.

He ought to know something. We'll beat it out of him.

He's gone, honey. Channing has escaped.

How could he have escaped?

Raymond, check the pit.

He may have let the girls go.

They'll call the police, Connie. The police.

Oh, my God. The police!

Ugh. Oh! - Aah! Aah!

He's been castrated! His penis is gone!

The girls have escaped! The girls have escaped!

They'll call the police. Hurry. Let's get out of here.

- Raymond, I'm afraid. - Hurry, Connie. Hurry.

Connie and Raymond Marble.

No! No! Aah!

- Stop it! Stop it! - You're gonna get it good, bitch.

Oh! Oh, leave us.

Well,well,well.

Connie and Raymond Marble.

I've been looking forward to meeting you.

It's a real pleasure.

And you're even bigger assholes than I imagined.

- You burned my house down. - No, please.

Who are you? We don't know you.

You know who I am, bitch!

I'm the filthiest person alive. That's who I am.

No, please, you must be mistaken.

Our name is Waldo. Harry and Jean Waldo.

Shut up! Just shut up! Gag him before I kill him!

Wait for the newsmen, Ma. Wait for the newsmen.

- Wait till they get here. - That ought to shut him up.

Hey, Raymond, you must think we're awful fucking stupid, huh?

Well, here's a little something for you. Burn down my house, will you?

Who are you? You have the wrong people!

Shut up, Connie. Shut up! You know who we are.

Cut the hogwash. Save it for the papers.

You're Connie Marble and you're gonna pay for being Connie Marble.

No!

And you're gonna pay royally, bitch. Let this be a lesson to you...

.just in case there is reincarnation.

It's virtually impossible to be filthier than Divine.

I didn't get my reputation for nothing, you know.

But you found out too late, Connie. Yeah, it's too late.

You and shithead here aren't gonna be around tomorrow.

You're not gonna be around to put your knowledge to use.

Because you're gonna be dead, Connie! Dead! Yes, dead!

That's tight, Crackers. It's so tight it makes their blood hurt.

Just make sure they don't make another sound.

I don't think I'd be able to control myself...

...if they made any more noise. I'd have to kill them right now!

I just won't be able to wait!

I know what you mean, Babs. I feel like ripping them apart myself.

- You ain't gonna be doing much talking. - Come on, children...

...we can't keep the photographers waiting.

We're gonna give them a story that will knock the Newsday off its ass.

Come on, Connie and Raymond.

You have a personal appearance to make.

John Vader of the Midnight here...

...looking for Divine somewhere in Phoenix, Maryland.

Divine, you're looking fantastic.

Why, thank you, Mr. Vader. I'm so glad you could come.

- Mat Krazan here from The Tattler. - Well, good afternoon, Mr. Krazan.

Gentlemen, get ready because you're about to witness the trial...

...of these two unfortunates...

...commonly known as Connie and Raymond Marble.

Their trial will take place in front of your very eyes...

...and their execution will follow.

- We're gonna witness an actual murder? - A live homicide?

That is right, gentlemen.

Goldstein, Larry Goldstein. Very tempting.

And I have a question for you, Miss Cotton. Is that correct, Cotton?

Yes, it is.

Are you a willing accomplice to these murders that are about to take place?

This is not exactly a murder, Mr. Goldstein.

This is a court, a kangaroo court as the headlines could scream.

Not a mere murder as you would call it.

If we were involved in merely another murder...

...it could hardly be headlines.

It's not just the publicity.

My mama couldn't go on her everyday life...

...with this kind of shit going on.

My mama was not the aggressor in this little war we had.

She only did what had to be done. It was suicide on their part.

And, Cotton, I notice a smile on your lips.

- Does murder make you happy? - Murder merely relieves tension...

...Mr. Krazan. For murder to bring happiness, one must already be happy...

...and I am completely at peace with myself...

...totally haPPV-

- Give me more questions. Divine, are you a lesbian?

- Yes. I have done everything. Does blood turn you on?

It does more than turn me on, Mr. Vader. It makes me come.

And more than the sight of it, I love the taste of it.

The taste of hot, freshly-killed blood.

Could you give us some of your political beliefs?

Kill everyone now.

Condone first-degree murder.

Advocate cannibalism. Eat shit.

Filth are my politics. Filth is my life.

Take whatever you like.

Mm. Yes.

- How's this for a center spread? Whoo.

Oh! Ew!

Jesus. Christ Almighty.

Divine, where will you go now? I'm sure you're aware that after the execution...

...you will be the subject of an extensive search.

To another city to set up headquarters once again.

Of course, I cannot reveal to you the exact location.

Patience, Mr. Vader, patience.

Another time, another story. And now for the trial.

- You sit here. Back here?

- Mm-hm. Sit down. Thank you.

No pictures during the trial, please. This is a court of law.

I call to the stand Miss Cotton.

Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

I do.

- Who burned down our trailer? - Connie and Raymond Marble.

- Can you point them out? - There they are.

The ones that are tied up.

- Who sent me a turd in the mail? - Connie and Raymond Marble.

That is all. ls there any cross-examination?

No cross-examination? Very well. You may step down.

I call to the stand Crackers.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Sure, Mama. I wouldn't shit you.

How did Connie and Raymond find out where we live?

They hired a spy.

How did this spy get her information?

By nosing around, asking a lot of questions and by fucking me.

That's how she got it. That dirty little scag.

Mm-mm-mm. Thank you. ls there any cross-examination?

No? A very strange defense, I must say.

You may step down.

Gentlemen, the verdict is guilty...

...on all 10 counts of first-degree stupidity.

The penalty phase will now begin. I call Cotton to the stand.

Your oath still remains.

- I presume you understand this? - Naturally.

In your opinion, what should the penalty in this case be?

- Death. - That is all.

You may step down.

I call Crackers to the stand.

- You realize you are still under oath? - Of course.

In your opinion, should these people be allowed to live?

No.

Thank you.

Gentlemen of the press, the verdict is death.

But first, due to the magnitude of these capital crimes...

...these two people must be humiliated in front of the media.

Use these pictures, gentlemen, and use them wisely.

We have an example to set.

Let the good people of this country know...

...they cannot fuck with Divine and get away with it.

Let them know that we are indeed the filthiest people alive.

- Mr. Vader. Yes, Divine, do you think...

...that there are other filthy people in the world?

I mean, is it now a cult?

It is a very minor cult right now, Mr. Vader...

...but one that is growing and growing. Growing faster than you could imagine.

I will be queen one day, and my coronation...

...will be celebrated all over the world.

Do not forget, I am Divine.

What a day for an execution.

Off the record, Mama, do we stab them or shoot them?

- Shoot, Crackers. - Good.

- No mess for the Midnight. Don't forget The Tattler.

- And The Tattler, honey. And The Confidential.

How could I ever forget The Confidential?

- Come on, gentlemen. Come this way. Come on.

Crackers, help me with this tar. Okay, Miss Cotton.

Here, hold them.

Burn my mama's house down, will you?

You goddamn worm. You fucking piece of lousy shit.

And now for the feathers.

Only we're not going to run you out of town. We're going to kill you.

Kill, kill, kill. Shoot, shoot, shoot.

- Questions and answers! Do you believe in God?

I am God.

- You are God. - You are God.

ls there no wrong? - There is right and there is wrong.

I have never been wrong, Mr. Goldstein.

Do you expect to get new followers with this publicity?

I certainly hope so, Mr. Krazan.

I didn't invite you here to jerk off, you know.

Get this all down. Don't miss one single word.

Suppose we decide not to print this story.

- What then? - Oh, ha. Mr. Vader, see them?

Does that answer your question?

I have your address and I know you have a wife and child.

- Is that correct? - Yes.

Well, if nothing is printed, we might be in the mood for a barbecue.

Get what I mean? A human barbecue.

End of question-and-answer period. Proceed with the execution.

They are finished, and a lovely couple they are.

Aren't they?

Gentlemen of the press, get ready because you are about to witness...

...the biggest news event of the year. Live homicide.

Connie and Raymond Marble, you have breathed your last breath.

You have sighed your last sigh.

You are no longer alive.

Connie Marble, you stand convicted of asshole-ism.

The proper punishment will now take place.

Look pretty for the picture, Connie. That's it.

No further questions. No further pictures.

- I have spoken. Thanks for the scoop, Divine.

- Next month's sales should be booming. - Thank you for coming.

Do keep in touch. I will, Mr. Vader.

Always know where I am. Thank you for coming.

Always count on her for a story, I'll tell you that.

She always was a news-conscious woman.

The only problem is we've been trying to get Midnight into supermarkets.

And it is a hot story, all right, but it's so squalid.

Yeah, well, The Tattle!' will be in the supermarkets. You can bet on that.

The time has come for flight, my children.

Where to, Mama? Where to?

Let's move to Boise. I always wanted to go there.

Boise, Cotton? Why, that might not be a bad place.

- Were you ever there, Cotton? - Only once.

We robbed a transit bus there. Remember?

I remember. The number 42.

Let's sleep in gas station lavatories this time, Mama.

Fuck permanent residences. It'll strengthen our filthiness.

Oh, Crackers, that's a wonderful idea. Gas station lavatories.

What do you say, Babs? Let's move to Boise.

Oh... If that's what you want, my children, then that's what you'll get.

Boise, Idaho, here we come.

I hope Boise's ready for some star residents.

Why, I'll have to change my appearance.

I think I'll dye my hair another color and start dressing like a dyke.

Me too. I'll get a crew cut.

Maybe it's about time I started dying my hair too.

What color do you want, honey? I'm gonna make mine hot pink...

...with a DA with Elvis Presley sideburns.

Maybe blond, Mama.

- Do you think I'd look good as a blond? - Uh-huh.

Do you think it would enhance my filthiness?

Oh, Crackers, you should dye your hair. It would make you look much filthier.

- Won't it be fun? - Won't it?

I'll have a crew cut, you'll have a pink DA...

...and Crackers will have blond hair, all in Boise, Idaho.

Oh, then it's settled. Boise, Idaho, get ready.

You are about to receive some migrants of a very special nature...

...a nature that defies description.

You are about to receive into your community...

...the filthiest people alive.

The filthiest people alive?

Well, you think you know somebody filthier?

Watch as Divine proves that not only is she the filthiest person in the world...

...she is also the filthiest actress in the world.

What you are about to see is a real thing.

Hello. I'm John Waters.

I hope you enjoyed my film, Pink Flamingos.

I'd like to show you some scenes that were cut...

...footage I recently discovered in my attic.

- Good morning, Cotton. - Good morning, Babs.

Did you sleep well? It was chilly last night.

Oh, Cotton, I slept unbelievably well.

This country air really does something to you, doesn't it?

Why, I had dreams last night that made me feel young again.

In the original script, Divine was supposed to be writing her memoirs...

...as she hid out in her trailer.

Being Divine. Chapter three, June, 1965.

It was about this time in my career...

...that I realized I was capable of being perfect...

...perfect in every aspect of human development.

Of course, Connie Marble was also hard at work...

...and in the first cut of the film...

...life was even worse for poor Channing the butler.

You know I hate fucking them.

I have to deliver the babies, bury the bodies, help kidnap them.

Why do I have to get them pregnant too? Why?

You said you'd get somebody else to do it this time.

I changed my mind. So just go get ready.

Give Susan some pills, get the body out of the basement...

...and mentally prepare yourself for this evening.

What's a little fuck, Chan? If it doesn't turn you on...

...just jerk off and then stick it in her.

That way, you only have to be connected for a few seconds.

I don't care if either of you get any pleasure out of it.

Just get her pregnant, Chan. That's all that matters.

A little baby beginning to grow...

...from one little fuck to $5000 in nine months.

Maybe it was Connie's marital problems that made her so irritable.

Oh, where's Raymond? Where is he?

How could he leave me alone with these servants...

...these stupid asshole servants?

Animal rights activists always say to me:

"How could you kill a chicken for a movie?"

I eat chicken. I know the chicken didn't land on my plate from a heart attack.

We bought the chicken from a farmer who advertised freshly-killed chicken.

I think we made the chicken's life better. Got to be in a movie, got fucked.

And then right after filming the next take, the cast ate the chicken.

Oh, good morning, honey.

- Isn't it a beauty today? - Shit, yeah. You cooking eggs for Edie?

I wanna fry me up this chicken when you're through.

Sure, honey. It'll only take me a minute.

Why don't you sit down there and keep Mother company?

- Did you have a good time last night? - It's weird being back in Baltimore.

Went down Broadway last night and saw old friends.

- Yeah? - You remember Patty Hitler?

- Uh-huh. - I saw her.

She almost shit when she heard you were in town.

She gave me this to show you.

- What is it, honey? - The Midnight, Mama.

- You made the cover of the Midnight. - Oh!

The filthiest person alive, they call you. Ain't that a gas?

My original ad copy for Pink Flamingos read:

"The filthiest people alive, their loves, their hates...

...and their unquenchable thirst for notoriety."

Oh, Crackers, this copy's hysterical.

It's mostly from the press releases I sent the wire services.

More fame, Mama, more fame.

Once the film was released, people in the audience...

...actually believed Divine was wanted for murder.

Oh, my God. What a horrible photograph. Tsk.

My first wanted poster and I have to lookjust awful.

I can't imagine I had Divine say his real name in the following take.

Luckily, my hair isn't this harsh black color anymore.

And look at some of my aliases they have down.

Glenn Milstead? Why, I only used that one on one day of hanging paper.

And look. They've even got The Hog Princess down here.

Edith Massey sometimes had trouble remembering long monologues...

but she had a screen presence all her own.

Freddy, I want you to meet Jo Ann. Jo Ann, this is Freddy.

I know you'll like each other.

And I don't care what people say.

And, Jo Ann, I know you're hard-boiled...

...but Freddy doesn't think you're tough or cheap.

He respects you. Don't you, Freddy?

We didn't have any money for catering...

...so Edie was happy to get to eat in the following take.

Be careful. I'm gonna eat you.

Edie's getting mighty hungfy-

Oh, don't worry, Freddy. I have some more for you.

I have Rhonda, Donna...

...Shari and little Yetta.

In the original script, Raymond and Connie Marble...

...also raided Divine's trailer much earlier in the story.

Could Divine really live like this out here in the country like a hillbilly?

God, with all these disgusting trees and shrubbery and wildlife.

I'd be scared to sleep at night knowing possums and raccoon and deer...

...and God knows what would be lurking outside...

...fucking and shitting out in the open.

I do love their nature dialogue.

Oh, God! Did you hear that? Horrid little bird.

Just asking for it, I guess.

Humans never realize the dirty little lives...

...these animals lead out in the country. Makes me sick, that's all.

It was freezing cold the day we filmed poor Edie's egg humiliation.

Look at her!

Well, Miss Egg Baby, we've got some eggs here for you.

How do you like them this way?

Oh, and I've got another little surprise for you. There. Little baby doll...

...all grown up. Carroll Baker would shit. Shut up.

The real way Divine discovered the Marbles did it?

A character cut from the film, vicious gossip Patty Hitler.

Remember Big Jimmy from down Pratt Street?

- Yeah. - Big asshole finally turned queer.

And that wife of his, all she does is sit around, drink...

...neglect those awful kids.

Terrible. One of them's retarded. Such a shame.

And you remember Karen what's-her-name from the bar?

She's dead, honey.

Life-affirming characters, that's my specialty.

I saw her once. She was an ugly bitch. Wears glasses.

And him, what a lulu. Blue hair.

You can see the bad continuity coming up in this scene.

We forgot to put Edie's baby bonnet back on her head.

What's the matter? What's the matter?

What's happened to Edie?

I'm afraid we've had more trouble.

Some people broke in while we were gone and did this to Mama.

Broke raw eggs all over her and dressed her mockingly...

...but I know who did it.

Patty Hitler gave me all the information we need to solve this case.

Two would-be filth balls named Connie and Raymond Marble...

...are responsible for this deed.

And now for the strangest nudity lever filmed.

I've got to take a little rest myself.

What's the matter? What's the matter?

They must have done it. There's boll weevils in my bed.

A big subplot that was cut from the film...

...was the revenge murder of Cookie the spy.

Sharpen your blades, Cotton. We got some cutting to do.

I'm using a gun on this one. I'm not breaking my nails this time.

I might need them for scratching.

Upstairs. That's her room.

She better be awake. It's so dull when they're sleeping.

- Where's Cookie? - Cookie? Who are you?

We know she's here. Where is she?

- She's not here. What is it? What is it? - Die, bitch.

Rivers of gore. Rivers of gore.

Oh, God, you're beautiful, Crackers. It's not just Babs I love anymore.

It used to be, but now it's you too. Both of you I love so much.

It's your mind, your imagination, that filthy mind with rotten ideas.

And your face, that beautiful, beautiful face.

You like it, baby? You like it.

My face is yours to look at as long as you keep looking back.

A lot of people like cunt, you know. Men, women.

But your eyes are like a cunt to me, honey. You can look and look and look...

...and still I wake up wishing you were there, watching me 24 hours a day.

Them cunt eyes.

"Cunt eyes"? What was I thinking about?

Oh, was your cutting and hacking successful, my children?

Oh, Babs, it was a ball and a half doing it again, a real feeling of true liberation.

Why, Cookie won't be doing any more spying on anybody else.

You can be sure of that.

She looked like a piece of raw ham when we got through with her.

- And, Babs, here's her ear. - Oh!

I got the left one. I hope that's all right.

Either one would have been quite satisfactory, darling. Thank you.

The original curse on the Marbles...

...by Divine and Crackers was even more complicated.

What's this pitiful room supposed to be?

Looks like some kind of fucking office.

Look. That must be a picture of her. That dog has an office.

What the fuck for?

So she can sit in here with that ugly red hair and asshole off all day?

Touch everything, Crackers.

Let our divinity and fame be felt on everything...

...in this middle-class dump.

Look how pissy these turds must be.

Ugh! Central heating. How repellent!

I'm not even sure I understand this part.

Leave your fingerprints on everything, darling. Touch and feel.

Rub, touch and feel. Take your shoes off.

Take your shoes off!

Let the rugs know we're here too. Let the rugs know. Touch and feel.

But Connie didn't have a clue. She was still ranting and raving...

...about catching her butler in drag.

Oh, God, the thought of his hairy body in some of my fine dresses and gowns...

...will never leave me, Raymond.

To think of the value of my wardrobe and then to think of his person...

...actually defiling all those fine silks and hand-woven garments.

And my underwear.

His nipples have actually touched where I have rested mine.

But that ain't nothing, Connie, not compared to what you got coming.

Oh, Connie. Connie, Connie, with hair oh so red.

How do these scissors feel so near your head?

Watch one of my favorite scenes that ended up on the cutting room floor.

Divine, Crackers and Cotton sing...

..."We Are the Filthiest People Alive" in pig Latin.

l'd like to close with the original trailer...

New Line Cinema used to sell ""Pink Flamingos.""

Notice no footage from the actual movie is ever shown.

How did you happen to hear about it?

From some friends who saw it...

and thought it was absolutely marvelous.

l'll be very insulted.

Rex Reed told us that it's fabulous.

Why'd you come out at midnight to see it?

Why go home at midnight?

What are you going to see there?

l guess there are just two kinds of people, Miss Sandstone...

my kind of people and assholes.

Fantastic. Third time l've been to it.

lt's an incredible head thing for people.

Oh, it's marvelous. Absolutely.

The most disgusting thing l've ever seen in my whole life.

Not to be believed.

Absolutely outrageous.

lt was divine. lt was fabulous.

Oh, my God! What are you doing?

lt's absolutely better than ""Cries and Whispers.""

l think it's the future of city living.

-Out... -...rageous.

Fantastic. lt was really fun.

Excellent. Loved it. Really good.

Really good, right?

lt was great.

Piece of garbage.

The only part l didn't like was the snakes.

l have an aversion to snakes.

lt was divine.

l love religious movies.

lt was a little gross, but l liked it.

lt was really the grossest film l've seen.

l think John Waters has got his finger...

on the pulse of America.

l think he's got his thumb securely up America's ass.

l enjoy dirty things as much as everyone else does...

but this isn't even dirty. lt's just disgusting.