All language subtitles for Kathleen Madigan - 2016 - bothering jesus ENG

-[chattering]
-[man] Whoo!

[chattering]

[woman] ♪ Kathleen ♪

♪ Madigan ♪

♪ Kathleen ♪

♪ Madigan ♪

-♪ She’s coming on the stage now ♪
-[audience laughs]

♪ She’s gonna be here shortly ♪

♪ She even put some pants on ♪

♪ At least I think she might have ♪

♪ ’Cause she’s professional ♪

♪ Kathleen ♪

♪ Madigan ♪

[male announcer] She is wearing pants.

She is a professional.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the stage Kathleen Madigan.

[cheering]

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Wow.

And--

Another hand for the most overqualified
opening act, Mr. Lewis Black.

[cheering]

And another hand for Jann Arden,

who couldn’t be here to sing that
in real life

but was nice enough to send that to me
in the computer.

And a big hand for you people
that are borderline alcoholics.

-You’ve made it out tonight.
-[cheering]

-You’ve--
-[cheering continues]

I do feel a kinship. This is a beer town.

I’m from a beer town.
I’m actually from St. Louis, Missouri.

-[cheering]
-Thank you. You like that.

Specifically, I’m from very near Ferguson.
Maybe you saw our travel brochure.

People are like,
“Really? Are you really from there?”

Yeah, I am.

They’re like, “Can you believe
all that happened?”

Yeah, I can.

I can’t believe we kept a lid on that shit
for 25 years.

Every day I felt the tension. Every day.

Even In high school,
I came home and I said,

“I don’t really know
if our school’s that safe anymore, Dad.

A girl got stabbed to death
in the third-floor bathroom.”

He didn’t stop doing the crossword puzzle.

He goes, “Well, don’t use that bathroom.
What are you, a goddamn idiot, Kathleen?

Jesus Christ. Use your mind.”

It’s not a very exciting state, Missouri.

It’s really just in the middle--

Clearly, though, to Southerners it’s not.

I was in Birmingham, Alabama.

I get done with the show,
and this guy at the bar goes,

“Ma’am, I could tell by the way you talk
you’re a Yankee.”

I’m like, “Sir, I’m from Missouri.

And let me tell you
this little piece of history.

I don’t even know if we were in the war.

I think we were half and half
and just beat the crap out of one another.

We never even left our own property, sir.”

“Fight Local.”
That was our bumper sticker.

“Fight Local.”

’Cause we couldn’t decide.

We were half Confederate and half Union.
We still can’t decide.

CNN had a map
of the Syrian refugee crisis,

a map of the United States,
and who would take them and who wouldn’t.

The South, yellow. No.

The Northeast said yes,
we’ll take ’em. Blue.

For no reason explained till the very end
of the show, Missouri was purple.

The only state.

And then at the end, they go,
“Oh, the purple signifies no decision.

They can’t make up their minds.”

Of course we can’t make up our minds.

I don’t really consider, um--

I don’t know what I consider.
I don’t know if it’s north or south.

But I know sometimes
when I’m in the South,

I see things on bumper stickers,
I read things in their newspaper

where I think to myself,

seriously, I think we may need
to have this Civil War again.

I’m not sure they got it.

I feel like it’s beating up
a drunk in an alley

and then wake up and be like,
“That was bullshit.

I wasn’t ready. Come back.”

No. No, drunky. We’re not coming back.

I was in Louisiana,
and you can google this.

’Cause I couldn’t believe this was true.
It is true.

They are teaching children in schools
in Louisiana that will accept vouchers.

So that’s tax money.

They’re private schools,
but they accept vouchers.

This is in science class.

Now, put on your science hat
and try to follow this syllogism.

They’re teaching the kids
that the Loch Ness Monster is real.

Now, as an aside, I agree with that.

But nobody taught me that.

I had to stay up really late
watching the Discovery Channel,

drinking a lot of wine
and weeding through a lot of crap

to make my decision.

Anyway, they’re teaching the children
that the Loch Ness Monster is real.

Therefore, evolution is not real

’cause the Loch Ness Monster
is a dinosaur.

I don’t even have a joke for that.
I just want you to know that.

Those are fellow Americans
that I think should be airlifted out. I--

Someone needs to get the children.
Leave the adults.

Take the children.

My state is not a state
that you really wanna brag about.

We just try to lay low. That’s our
best outcome: if we’re not noticed.

Because every time--
Like Ferguson, that whole thing.

That was not exactly something
that you feel proud of.

Uh, two summers ago,
I turned on CNN somewhere on the road,

and it said,
“Missouri State Senate debates--”

Now, you think the next word would be
“health care” or “right-to-work clause.”

No. “Noodling.”

Yeah. We spent two weeks,
eight hours a day, the senate.

For those of you who don’t know
what noodling is, congratulations.

You have led a very classy life.

But I’m gonna tell you what it is.

Noodling is when hillbilly people
get in muddy rivers,

like the Mississippi
or the Missouri River,

and they get into water about chest high

and then they go along the riverbank
with their hands underneath the water

searching for catfish breeding holes.

Then when they find one,
they shove their arm in the hole.

They wait for the catfish to bite it.

Then they yank it out
and they’ve caught a fish.

I was not aware that this is illegal
in my home state of Missouri.

I was also not aware that it is legal
in our neighboring state of Oklahoma.

I certainly was not aware that we have
a Missouri Noodlers Association.

CNN sent a young reporter

to interview the president
of the Missouri Noodlers Association,

who immediately became my new hero

because for his interview on CNN,
he chose not to wear a shirt.

[audience cheering]

She was clearly petrified of the guy.

I have never seen anyone hold
a microphone further away

from another human being.

She said, “Sir, I understand

you’re the president
of the Missouri Noodlers Association.

Could you please tell us
your position on noodling?”

He goes, “Yeah. Yeah.

I’ll tell you my position.

If I wanna shove my arm in a hole
and get a fish,

you tell my why I can’t.”

So that was the argument for it.

Then I thought, what is the problem?
I don’t know.

Well, they go interview
the people against it.

It was, like,
basically an environmental group,

and they go,
“Well, our problem with it is two-fold.

Number one, every time they do this,

they’re destroying
the catfish breeding holes.

And number two, and more importantly,

sometimes these catfish,
especially if near a dam,

can grow to be 150 to 250 pounds.”

Yes. I swear. Google it.

“So sometimes when the hillbilly
shoves his arm in the hole,

the hillbilly does not come back up.”

But I was like,
“Yeah, but let’s think that through.

What have we gained
and what have we lost?”

Everything--

[applause]

“We might have lost Billy Bob,

but somebody just got
his brand-new truck full of Busch light.”

What?

I don’t expect people
to know much about Missouri.

I do expect people to know it’s a state.
That I do.

And there are people--

I was in California, in a Macy’s,
trying to buy jeans.

And the girl was young,
I’ll give her that.

[imitating valley girl] She was
one of the girls who talk like that,

and she just couldn’t be bothered
with anything, okay?

[normal voice] I go to check out
and I give her my credit card.

She goes,
“I’m gonna need to see your license.”

I go, “Okay, that’s not a problem.”

And I--

I’m still not sure exactly what happened.
I’m gonna show you what happened.

I gave her my license, and she went,

“Missouri.” [clicks teeth]

“Uh...

no.”

“No?

Did you just do a search in your brain

and your hard drive
came back with nothing,

so you negated my whole state?”

“Uh, no.”

Missouri is a very special place
to one group of people,

and it’s the Mormons.

Not the ones that went to Utah.

Joseph Smith, the leader,
had a son, Joseph Smith, Jr.

That man believed

that the original Garden of Eden
was 35 miles north of Kansas City.

Not in Mesopotamia.

No, no, no, no, no.

Missouri.

They also believe

that when Christ comes back,
that’s where he’s going.

First stop, Kansas City.

He’s not gonna go
to Bethlehem or Jerusalem.

He’s getting a Southwest flight
and he’s going straight to Kansas City.

Look, I am from Missouri.

And if you think
Jesus is going back to Kansas City,

35 miles outside of it, by the way,

then you must believe
that Jesus is a big fan

of barbecue and crystal meth,

because that is what’s happening
35 miles outside of Kansas City.

My whole family lives there.

Well, my parents
are in Florida in the winter right now.

As most Midwest old people with a car,
they leave on December 26.

They’re like geese. They just leave.

Flocks of ’em leave from the Midwest.

My parents bought a new car.
They haven’t had a new car in ten years.

They bought a black Lincoln Town Car.

Little did they know that that’s one
of the more expensive rides

on the Uber app.

So I, unbeknownst to them,
have signed them up to be Uber drivers...

so they can pick up other old people
on the way to Florida,

make a little spending cash.

’Cause my mom will do
whatever the phone says, I’m telling you.

“Jack, we have to pull over.

We’re the blue dot,
and it’s saying pull over.

There are people that need a ride
for some reason.

I don’t know why the phone is doing this.
It’s never done this before.

But I’m afraid if we don’t,
there’s gonna be a problem, Jack.”

They go to Sarasota now, on that side.

But for about three years in a row,
they went to a place called the Villages.

I don’t know if any of you’ve
seen it advertised on TV.

Go to their Web site.
There’s nothing like it in the world.

It’s the largest retirement community
in the nation.

Well, the world, probably.

It’s 35 minutes, or if my mom’s driving,
eight and a half hours away

from the Orlando airport.

Some guy thought of it.

He thought, “I’m gonna buy
all of this crappy swampland,

and I’m gonna make nirvana for old people.

I’ll build it. They will come.”
And they came.

There’s 350,000 of ’em.

They have their own zip code.
They have their own post office.

They’ve got golf courses, swimming pools.

I mean, it’s really something.
It really is something.

And my parents were there, and I go,

“Oh, good.
You’re gonna be at the Villages.

That’s great,
’cause I have shows in Florida,

and I have nowhere to go
in between shows.”

My mom goes, “You can come over here,

but you can’t spend the night
on the property.”

I said, “Why not?”

She goes,
“The law at the Villages, Kathleen,

is no one under the age of 55 is allowed
to spend the night on the property.”

I said, “Really? Fifty-five?

So you’re telling me at age 48,

I’m gonna have to again go get a fake ID--

[audience laughing]

so that I can spend the night
with you freaks.

Mom, where would I even go?

To, like, a bingo game
and roll an old redheaded lady

and go,
‘Sorry. I’ll have this back in two days.

I just need it to get into the Villages.’”

I said, “Mom, how are they gonna know
if I’m there? Seriously.

Does an old man come in a golf cart
and do bed check every night?”

She goes, “Yes. That’s what I’ve heard.
Yes. That’s what I think happens.”

I said, “Well, I’m going to come there
and I am gonna spend the night.

But I will meet you halfway
so you’re not nervous.

I’m gonna sleep in my tennis shoes,
sports bra and T-shirt and shorts.

And if I hear the golf cart,

I’m gonna get up,
and I’m gonna run into the family room,

and I’m gonna hide behind the La-Z-Boy.

’Cause in my own mind, Mom,

I’m gonna pretend like I’m
in the last scene of The Sound of Music

and we’re the Von Trapps
on top of the convent

hiding behind tombstones...

from the Nazis.

And then when the golf cart guy
shines his flashlight,

just for my own amusement,
I’m gonna pop out from behind it

and go, ‘Don’t do it, Ralph.
You’re not one of them.

Don’t take us. Come with us.’

And then I’m gonna laugh and laugh.
He won’t laugh, but I don’t care.

It’s not the point. I’m gonna laugh.

And then I’m gonna run by him, Mom,
and I’m gonna run away,

and I’m gonna make it over
the whole border of the Villages.

I’m gonna make it to freedom, and--

Do you know how I know
I’m confident I can do that?

Because I’m the only person out of 350,000

that has both of their real knees, Mom.

I am the Usain Bolt of this community.

I don’t think
you’re respecting my powers.”

Prepared to getting older, there’s
moments where you’re hanging out with them

and you’re like, “Wow. Are you actually
going crazy in front of me?

Like, should I call someone?
I don’t know what to do.”

I was in Target with my mom.

She opened her wallet

and all her credit cards
were individually wrapped in tin foil.

She unwraps one and hands it to me

as if that’s a completely normal exchange
of information.

I go, “We’re not gonna talk about that?”

She goes, “Talk about what, Kathleen?”

I go, “The tin foil, Mom. The tin foil.”

She goes, “Well, obviously, you have
not been keeping up with the news.”

I said,
“No, I actually thought I had been.”

“Well, then you must have missed the story
about the raygun people.”

“Who are the raygun people?”

She said, “Well, your father and I saw it
on ‘20-40’ or ‘60-80’ or ‘100 Minutes,’

whatever those serious--
It was a very serious program.

There are people now, Kathleen,
with computer rayguns,

and they can shoot that raygun
through my purse, through my wallet,

and they gather
all of your personal information

off of that strip
on the back of your debit card.

They can shoot through your father’s ass
at a gas station,

right through his ass, into his wallet.”

I went, “Okay.” My mom’s not stupid.
She was a nurse for a million years.

So I called my friend in Boston
who’s been a cop forever,

and I asked him about the raygun people
and told him about the tin foil.

He said, “Two things, Kathleen.

Number one, no. I have not heard
about the raygun people.

But in fairness to your mom,

I haven’t checked my work e-mail
in three days.

Now--

Number two, and more importantly,

what I do know
from being a cop for 20 years

is that crazy people love tin foil.

You don’t need to tell your mother.

I’m just telling you
so you know that is a fact.

An old cop told me that.
Always carry tin foil in your squad car.

If you come across someone who’s
mentally ill and having a psychotic break

or maybe someone in a drug frenzy,
you just tear off a piece of tin foil,

you calmly walk over and go, ‘Make a hat,’

and the whole situation--”

They drive to Florida
’cause my mom won’t fly anymore.

The fear of flying has literally gone over
the edge with her. It started years ago.

And I do feel sorry for people
who have that fear, ’cause it is real.

And you see people at airports.
You can always tell.

’Cause their hands, their palms
are real sweaty. They’ll talk to anyone.

God forbid the time of departure changes.

Then they completely unravel.
They’re like, “This is it.

I think this plane’s broken,
and they’re gonna fly it. Don’t you?”

“Yeah, I do. Today is the day.

American Airlines is gonna go,
‘Fuck it. Give it a whirl. I don’t care.’

Wha-- Every part can’t be that important.”

But it’s weird to me that strangers--

There will always be a stranger
who will say to another stranger,

“Oh, you shouldn’t have a fear of flying,

because I’ll tell you what, you have
a better chance of being in a car crash

than you do of being in a plane crash.”

And I wanna say,
but I won’t ’cause it would be mean,

“Yeah, but you have a much better chance
of getting in a forgettable car crash

than you do of being
in a forgettable plane crash.”

There’s no way
you’re gonna be in a plane crash,

go to work on Monday, and then Wednesday
look at somebody you work with

and go,
“Oh, shit, did I forget to tell you?

On the way home from Milwaukee,
my plane crashed.

I don’t know if you saw that on CNN. I was
the lady running through the cornfield.

My hair had caught on fire
because I’m near-sighted

and I’d lost my glasses in the turbulence.

I actually ran towards the explosion
versus away from the explosion.

That’s why I called in sick yesterday
’cause...

my head hurt ’cause it had been on fire.”

I fly every week,
and I’ve never even thought

about what if something
happened to the plane

until missing Malaysian Flight 370,
which I am admittedly obsessed with.

My youngest brother,
who I talk to almost every day,

has banned me from speaking about it.

He goes, “Seriously, Kathleen,
if you bring it up, I’m gonna hang up.

It’s been almost two years.

I don’t wanna hear anything
that you’ve read on the Internet.

I don’t wanna hear what you and your
drunk friends decided happened to it.

I--”

He goes, “You’ve never been obsessed
with a plane crash.”

“Ah, ah, ah. What is the problem
with that sentence, Pat?

You just said ‘plane crash.’

We don’t know
if this plane crashed, do we?”

That’s-- That’s why I’m obsessed with it.

About seven months ago, they found a wing
of a Triple Seven in the Indian Ocean.

That’s what that plane was,
a Triple Seven.

And they sent that wing to the French.

I do not know
why the French are in charge of science.

I’d have given it to the Germans.
But whatever.

They actually came out and said,

“Well, yeah, um, this definitely
is the wing of a Triple Seven,

but we cannot confirm
it’s missing Malaysian Flight 370.”

“Well, has anyone else called...

Lost and Found...

looking for a wing?”

They found another little piece,
like, three days ago.

But all it says is that--
It just says, “Do not step here.”

So it could be that or a ladder.

Who kno-- Nobody-- Nobody knows.

I watched every minute of the coverage,
and my brother goes, “I don’t get it.”

I go, “Because it’s the biggest news story
of our lifetime, Patrick.”

I’m sorry.

I’ve assumed my entire life that when we
bought a ticket in an airplane

to go over a large body of water,
I thought the whole time we were up here,

someone smarter than us
on the ground at all times

knew where the fuck we were.

I did. I believed that.

Yeah, well, that’s certainly not the case.
Cat is out of the bag.

They got nothing.

Boston to Dublin, Texas,
when you get there, man.

It gets a little weird after Nova Scotia.

They don’t tell people that.

As soon as you get a Guinness,
give us a holler

and let us know everything’s all right.

They covered it on CNN for 72 days,

and people were complaining
it’s too much coverage.

I’m like,
“No, it’s not. This is wonderful.”

’Cause they have no new information,

so now they just have
to make up conversation.

It got to the point where the experts
were, like, building paper airplanes,

going, “Okay, here’s
what I think happened, all right?

It was windy. Come on. Turn on the fan.
Stay with me, Bob.

Somebody put water in the trash can.
That’s my ocean. Come on.”

But I watched it,
because every day they would go live

to the city of Kuala Lumpur
to a Hilton hotel for a press conference

from the Malaysian Airlines spokesman.

I have never felt so sorry
for any individual in their job.

Because every day
he had no new information.

And he had to face
a ballroom full of Chinese people.

’Cause there were 239 missing people.
Most were Chinese.

Their families have been flown in.
He couldn’t even make eye contact.

He would just come out and go,
“Brrrr. Ah, ha, yeah.

Well, uh, once again,
I have new no information on Flight 370.

It’s a very bad situation.

We cannot find our airplane.

We have called Australia.

They’re gonna help us look
for our airplane.

Sometimes you lose something.

You can’t find it,
and you have to ask for help.

‘Hey, have you seen my keys?’

That’s the kind of situation.

Sorry.”

Then he would leave.

I’m like, “This is a real airline.

They’re open. Today.

I check every day. I google.

This is a real working airline.”

And the Chinese people were so kind,
I thought. Like in patient.

He would come out day after day.

There’s nothing.
There was very little reaction.

Week three he came out.

“Ah, brrrr.

Ah, yeah, once again,

I have no new information on flight.

We still cannot find our airplane.

It’s a really, really,
really bad situation.

We do know this now though.

We have been looking in the wrong ocean.
Ha ha!”

What? What?

What? What?

“Ah, yeah, that ocean wrong.

Maybe now over here.
We’re gonna look over here in this ocean.”

What?

The wrong ocean?

That is an acceptable statement
in the year 1492 regarding a boat.

“I don’t know where it went, man.
I told you the world was flat.

Maybe it just fell off. I don’t know.”

That is not an acceptable statement
in the year 2014. Unbelievable.

And once again, the Chinese people,
they just didn’t really react.

And I thought, “Oh, my God. That’s--

That’s the day where my Irish temper--

Every--
Every single valve would have burst.”

I could’ve had a can of Aqua Net
and a lighter,

and that man would have burst
into a pillar of fire.

A biblical pillar of fire
on CNN International.

And I would’ve done it

knowing full well I’m gonna be arrested
and tried for murder,

which would’ve been fine.

And I would say, “Yes, please let me take
the witness stand.”

’Cause I don’t care what question
I’m asked. I have a two-word answer.

“Miss Madigan, is it true that you took
Aqua Net and a lighter into the ballroom?”

“Huh. Wrong ocean. Ha!”

“Wrong ocean.”

Unbelievable.

The Chinese people, though,
are still pretty kind.

Day 72, for those of you who are
not obsessed with missing airplanes,

um, that’s the last day of hope

because the ping device
can no longer possibly operate.

There’s the black box
and then there’s a ping thing

that emits a sonar sound.

Now, this is assuming one
had put batteries in their ping device.

Yeah. Google this.

About five months ago,
they had a little secret announcement

’cause they thought everybody forgot.

“Ah, yeah, one more thing.

Ha ha. About that airplane.

Um, we never had batteries in that.

Yeah. Sorry.

Well, you know, sometimes at home

your remote control,
your batteries go dead,

and you go to a different remote control,

and you take those batteries
and you put ’em in this remote control.

And then later on,
you go for the other old one.

You go, ‘Uh-oh. I forgot.’

That’s what happened.

Sorry.”

They are open.

So day 72.

At the time the Chinese people
don’t know that there’s--

They don’t know there’s no batteries.
They believe there were batteries in it.

He comes out, and I thought, “Whatever
you do, just don’t say it the same way.

Phrase it differently.” No. No.

He came out, “Brrrr.

Ah, ha, yeah, once again,

I have no new information on Flight 370.”

And finally,
the Chinese people lost their minds.

An old man, like, rolls back,

flicked a lit cigarette
at that man’s head, live on TV.

Sadly, my first thought was,
“Wow. You can still smoke inside...

in a Hilton in Malaysia.”

Note to self: Vacation in Kuala Lumpur.

Take different airline. Check Southwest.
That airline’s ridiculous.

And then the older women
started losing it.

Like, literally, having heart attacks.
911 is being called. It’s bedlam.

They have finally reached
their maximum potential of patience.

They’re out of it.

I happen to be home
watching it with my parents.

My dad, who does not like
public displays of emotion,

was like, “Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.
They got to get it together.

They got to get it together.
Do they know they’re on television?

Are they aware that people can see?”

My mom interrupts with--
And I have six siblings.

“Well, Jack, you have to understand
it’s extra sad for the Chinese people

because they only have one child.”

I go, “Hold on a second.

So are you saying, Mom,

it would only be a seventh as sad
if I went missing forever?”

“Yes, that’s what I’m saying. Yes.

You may not wanna hear that,
but that’s the truth.

I mean, we have six other children.
They have children.

Your father and I have
casino buffet tickets.

We are leading a full life.”

Yes, you are.

Seven kids. It’s too many.

Nobody notices though.
That’s a good thing.

If you’re one of seven,
no one notices anything.

Like, I’m surprised--
I have friends who have one or two kids.

They speak to them
about their feelings and their thoughts,

and they address them individually.

’Cause my friends are like,
“Oh, you guys didn’t?” “No.”

No. Not with seven kids.

There were just announcements made.
That’s all.

“We’re moving.”
“Oh, fuck. What? What? What? When?”

“Your mother’s already in the car. I don’t
know what’s going on with you people.”

Nobody notices when you’re one of seven.

Which was fine with me. I didn’t
mind that. I would still choose that.

But sometimes to the point of,
“Really, guys?”

I do not watch myself on TV.

I was 35 years old,
and I walked into my parents’ house,

and they somehow had me on their TV,

and I looked at it and I go,
“Ah. What is wrong with my eye?”

My dad goes, “You mean your lazy one?”

“What?

What?” “Yeah, your right eye.

When you get tired or nervous,
it twitches and kind of jumps around.

You-- You don’t feel that happening?”

“No. No, I didn’t know.
I didn’t know that was happening.

How long has that been going on?”

“I mean, since you were a baby.
I mean, they, uh...

told us to put a patch on you,
but you can’t have a baby girl pirate.

That’s crazy.

So, uh...

we thought you’d grow out of it,
quite frankly,

and clearly you have not, Kathleen.

So if I were you,
before you go on television,

I would get a nap or calm down,
’cause it’s--”

I didn’t really know
how small families worked

till I got to go over
to other friends’ houses.

When you’re in second grade or whatever,
my friend across the street, Bob,

he would say,
“That’s my mom and that’s my sister.”

And I’m like, “Well, where is everyone?”
Like, I don’t wanna say anything.

Maybe there was a house fire
or, you know, some sort of tragedy.

But this is weird.

I think smaller families are kinder.
They say kinder things.

I don’t know if they mean them,
but I heard “I love you” a lot.

“I love you.” “love you too.”
“Love you more than yesterday.”

“Ha! Love you more than tomorrow.”
And it’s not even today.

I would just stand there paralyzed
and uncomfortable.

“You guys don’t say ‘I love you’?” “No.”

There are nine people in my house.

Saying “I love you”
would be a sign of weakness.

They need to wake up
and wonder how I feel about their ass.

I’m not giving them that.

And at this age if I walked into a room
and all my siblings were sitting there

and they started to say “I love you,”
I’d run out

because I would know
this is some sort of intervention,

and I’m not falling for that.

I’m not listening
to your dumb-ass sad letter.

“Dear Kathleen.”

We went to Catholic schools.

-Uh, yeah, I didn’t mind.
-[man] Whoo!

If I had kids, I would make them go to
a Catholic school, ’cause I’ll tell you,

the one thing I guarantee you, if
you send your kids to a Catholic school,

they will never join ISIS.

Somebody would’ve said to me at age 18
after all that Catholicism,

“Hey, could we talk to you
about our religion for a minute?”

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

“No, you may not.

You are 18 years late to this party,
Muhammad. You--”

[Kathleen chuckling]

I think being Catholic is Christian,

but it’s been pointed out to me many times
in the South that they’re not the same.

’Cause in the South, they’ll go,
“Oh, are you Christian?”

I’ll go, “Yeah, I’m Catholic.”
“Oh, well, we’re Christian.”

“Oh, okay. I thought we said
the same thing, but I guess not.”

There are differences.

The Christians have a direct relationship
with Jesus. They speak of it like that.

“You know what?
Me and my relationship with Jesus.

I love Jesus. Jesus loves me.”

It’s a direct, very solid relationship
with Jesus.

And I thought, “Wow. Really?
You guys go straight to Jesus.”

In a Catholic school, I was given
a laundry list of people to contact...

before, the nuns said,
because otherwise I’m bothering Jesus.

“You are gonna call these people,
Kathleen, before you bother Jesus.

You could start with your guardian angel.

He’s got nothing to do 24 hours a day
except tend to your needs.

If he’s not available,

you can speak to the saint in charge
of the activity you’re upset about.

Every single saint
has been assigned an assignment.

You can speak to Jesus’ mother
if you’d like to.

You can give Mary a shout.

But you are not to bother Jesus.”

Okeydokey.

Even if I did something bad,
I couldn’t tell Jesus.

I had to go to confession.

I had to get in a creepy closet
with a guy in the dark.

And then I had to tell him,
and he’s gonna tell a guy.

And I wasn’t good at confession
because my dad, for many years,

was a defense attorney.

And starting in second grade,
he would tell us all at the dinner table,

“I want all of you kids to remember
if the police capture you

or anyone in a position of authority
ask you questions,

your response, no matter what, are
‘I do not recall, I need an attorney.

I do not recall, I need an attorney.’

Ninety percent of people are in prison

because they can’t keep
their goddamn mouths shut.

Never, ever snitch on yourself.”

And then I would go to confession
in the closet,

and the priest would go,
“Kathleen, have you done anything bad?

Is there anything
you’d like to tell me about?”

[Kathleen chuckles]

I’m not falling for this.
My dad’s probably planted him here.

I know-- I know what I’m supposed to say.

“I’m sorry, Father, but I do not recall
and I need an attorney.”

“Honey, you’re only in second grade.”

“Well, maybe you don’t know this,
Father Anthony,

but 90% of people are in prison

because they can’t keep
their goddamn mouths shut.

If you’d like
some more information on that--”

If you’re from a big family,
you know you never say anything directly

to the sibling that you intend
on saying something

till you say it to a different sibling.

They’ll say it to another,

and then eventually it’ll get back
to the sibling you intended it to say.

I, uh--

This year at Christmas, my brother said,

“You should be on time
because last year you were late.”

And he said that our other sister
said I ruined Christmas.

I go, “Really? Did she say that?
I ruined it? I’m calling her.”

I go, “Did you say I ruined Christmas?”

[scoffs] “Well, I might’ve.

I mean, you were late.
Everybody knew to get there at 9:30.

You didn’t get there until 10:00.
The kids were all excited.

Everyone was excited.
We had to wait ’cause you had to stop--”

I go, “Okay, I agree. I was late.
I apologize for that.

But I would like
to point out for the future

that I think you and I have
very different definitions

of what ruining Christmas would be.”

To me, ruining Christmas

would be if I would’ve walked
into Mom and Dad’s house

with a 12-gauge shotgun
and shot them in the face.

I think that ruins Christmas.

It ruins the rest of the Christmases
after that,

’cause you can’t ever have
another Christmas without going,

“Oh, my God. Remember that one Christmas
when Kathleen went crazy

and shot Mom and Dad in the face?
It was horrible.”

My siblings have tons of kids.
They’re everywhere.

I don’t have any, and I’m glad I don’t.

I don’t have the pressure
of naming the kids. That’s awful.

My youngest brother,
his name is John Patrick Madigan.

That’s my dad’s name, and that name
has been in our family since 1853,

circa Ireland,
as far as we can count back.

And then my youngest brother
knew that they were having a boy,

and he called and said,
“You know what? I’m not gonna do it.”

I go, “You’re not gonna name him
John Patrick Madigan?”

He goes, “No.”

I go, “Well, I’ve never asked you
for anything, but I would like to know

when and where you’re going
to be telling Dad this information,

because I’m gonna bring a cooler of beer

’cause that’s how long
his answer’s gonna be, Pat,

and it’s gonna involve
the whole history of Ireland

and what’s wrong with English people

and they were actually potatoes,
but they never gave ’em to the people

and Henry VIII.

Wha-- Why-- Why would you pick this fight?

Your name is John Patrick Madigan.
We call you Patrick.

His is John Patrick Madigan.
We call him Jack.

Grandpa was John Patrick Madigan.
We call him--

You can call him Fuck Nut. Just name him.

This is a crazy fight, in my mind.

Don’t-- You’d have a better time
telling Dad you’re gonna become a woman.

Seriously. ’Cause Mom would
smooth it over ’cause you’re the baby.

Everyone in LA’s doing it.

Bruce Jenner. Cher’s son.”

I said, “Why? Why, Patrick? Why?”

He goes, “You don’t know what it’s like
to live with somebody else’s name.

Exact same name.”

He goes, “You know, I cannot get Direct TV
because Dad won’t pay their bill.”

What?

I go, “They don’t even have Direct TV.”

“Oh, no, not anymore.
They did. Four years ago.”

That’s how long
the standoff’s been going on.

It’s over a movie
that Dad claims he didn’t rent.

They’ve paid everything but that charge,
but that charge has penalties.

So it’s now $287.

And I said, “Well, just pay the bill.
I’ll pay it.”

He goes, “No, I could pay it too.

But I can’t pay it ’cause he won’t give me
the account information.

Because he doesn’t wanna pay it.”

I go, “What was the movie,
just out of curiosity?”

He goes, “Lincoln ,
starring Daniel Day-Lewis.

And if you like to hear that speech,
call him, Kathleen.”

“Why would I rent Abraham Lincoln?

Has something new happened?

Do we have new information?

Did John Wilkes Booth
not shoot Abraham Lincoln?

I never ordered goddamn Lincoln .
I know it.”

I said, “All right.

Well, if you’re not gonna do that, what
other names were you guys thinking of?”

He goes, “Well, a lot.
But here’s a little left-field one.

Maybe Seamus.”
And I went, “Seamus Madigan?”

He goes, “Why is that funny to you?”
I go, “I don’t know.

But we should pay attention to that.”

I just laughed for no reason.

I go, “I think names have power.

If you’re gonna name him Seamus Madigan,

I think you should lower
all expectations.”

Seamus Madigan is a bartender.

He always was a bartender.
He will always be a bartender.

I don’t think
he’s gonna be a heart surgeon.

And if he was,
I wouldn’t let him operate on me,

even if he was my nephew.

If I was in some emergency room,
they came out and said,

“Your surgeon, Dr. Seamus Madigan,
will be out in a minute,”

I would be like, “No, he will not.”

And I would wheel my ass
down to the Jewish hospital,

where there was a nice young man named Sam

whose family took education more seriously
than beer pong and football.

That’s what I would do.

I have no kids.
I don’t-- I don’t want them.

I’ve seen what it’s done
to some of my siblings.

Oh, they’re so tired and cranky.

My sister’s normally very happy.
Has twins.

She looks so tired.
I go, “You look really tired.”

“You don’t have to say that.
I know I look tired. I am tired.

I have four-year-olds. Did you know--

I thought it was gonna get easier.
It doesn’t.

The average four-year-old
asks 436 questions in a day.

Did you know that? And I have two of ’em.

And I’m too tired to add 436 plus 436.

It’s a lot of questions, Kathleen.”

I said, “Do you know why they ask 436?

’Cause you were dumb enough
to answer the first question.

That’s what led
to that line of questioning.

You got to shut it down.”

If I have ’em,
I’d throw ’em in the van in the morning.

They’ll ask a random question.

“Hey, Aunt Kat, how come their dog
gets to be out front and ours doesn’t?”

“Fuck if I know.” That’s the answer.

Ask Siri. Siri has answers.

Aunt Kat, no answers.

[Kathleen chuckles]

Here’s the biggest reason
I would never wanna have a kid.

’Cause I will never again on my own
or even assist

on installing a car seat.

I don’t know how many of you
ever had to do this,

but if you’re gonna,
here’s a few helpful hints.

Take the whole day off work, because
that’s how long it’s gonna take you.

Whatever your favorite alcohol is,
have a bucket of it next to that minivan,

’cause you’re gonna stop and have
to take drinks and re-read things.

If you’re over the age of, oh, I’d say 30,

at some point you’re going
to become infuriated with Ralph Nader,

’cause he’s the one who started it all.

I remember being in grade school
and he was on 60 Minutes .

“Seat belts.
Everybody must have a seat belt.

Car seat, seat belts, safety is for life.

Head injuries are also for life.

I have statistics.”

Well, maybe you do, Ralph.

I’m sure you do. But so do I.
There were seven of us, Ralph.

For 16 years, we rode around
in the back of a station wagon

completely untethered.

Completely.

And we were in accidents. A lot of them.
Especially if my mom was driving.

We-- Sometimes we got hit so hard,

I actually flew to a better seat
than I’d originally secured.

“Who’s got the window now, jackass?”

That’s right.

And that was with my parents
chain-smoking in the car. Both of ’em.

It was so smoky in that car.

You could barely see other passengers.
Seriously.

They way, way back was like Studio 54,

because the sun would hit the smoke
and create patterns,

and then I would draw patterns
within the pattern

because I didn’t have an iPad,

so that’s what I would do
to entertain myself.

If you’re a woman
and you’re gonna install a car seat,

I would highly suggest you put on
a sports bra, ’cause you’re gonna get hot.

You’re gonna be so hot,

you’re gonna start inadvertently
just tearing off pieces of clothing.

And if you’re not careful,
you’ll end up like I did,

in my sister’s driveway in my regular bra

just drinking a beer,
staring off into space.

And the normally, very friendly neighbors
came home. I’m trying to talk to ’em.

I don’t know why they’re being so weird.

And I’m like, “How you guys doing?

Yeah, I know. I just came home.
She had twins.

I need two of these.
I can’t-- can’t figure it out.

I’m so hot. I’m so hot.

I would offer you a beer,
but I only have three left.

And I’ve made no progress.”

So--

I just found notes on the back--

There’s factory notes
that say if you don’t know how to do this,

you can take it to the police
or the fire department

and they’ll install it for you.

But unfortunately,
I didn’t find those notes

till after I already started drinking.

So I don’t think it would be a good idea

to drive to law enforcement, shit-faced,

and two car seats
and I don’t have any babies.

I mean,
It’s just too much to explain, right?

Crazy.

So this was what I was thinking.

I was thinking I might set
her car on fire.

No, call the fire department,
and then after they put the car out,

I go, “Hey, since you’re all here,
do you think you can give me a hook-up?”

[man] Yeah!

[chuckles]

They’re a pain in the ass,
to put kids in them,

especially in winter with the coats
and 70,000 buckles and the whole thing.

And my brother’s kid I thought
was big enough to not go in a car seat,

and I said, “Do I do him too?”

She’s just disgusted with my lack
of any parenting knowledge.

She goes, “Ugh. 4-foot-10, 80 pounds.”

What?

“That’s a Missouri state law, Kathleen.

If you’re 4-foot-10 or shorter,
80 pounds or less,

your ass is in a car seat versus a ticket
from the Missouri State Highway Patrol.”

I go, “Really, 4’10”?

That is excellent news because right now
I’m only 5-foot-1.

The average woman, due to osteoporosis...

in your life, you would have shrunk
anywhere from two to five inches.

I am not certain. I am bad at math.

But I’m pretty sure
that puts me back in a car seat.

I can’t wait to be back in a car seat.

All these nieces and nephews I have
will be old enough to drive.

I’m gonna do exactly what they do.
I’ll call and say I need a ride.

Then I’m gonna pack a big bag
full of unnecessary, unrelated items

that I have to have,
or there is going to be a meltdown.

Then, like the five and six-year-olds,

I’m gonna get in the van and walk,
on my own accord, to the very backseat,

and I’m just gonna hop up in it like
they do and wait for the great buckling.

Just sit there.

[mouthing words]

Then I’m gonna let ’em buckle me in.
Then I’m gonna let them pull away.

And I’m gonna wait till they drive where
it’s somewhere terribly inconvenient

to pull over.

And I’m gonna start screaming
from the back like they do.

“My buckle’s too tight!”

[gasping]

“I’m choking!”

[gasping]

[chuckles]

“I dropped my wine.”

[gasping]

“I can’t reach my wine.”

[chuckling]

That’s what I want to do when I’m retired.

I just want to drink red wine
and watch House Hunters over and over.

I love that show. I do.

I don’t know why. I don’t even care
what houses these people are buying.

I’m more interested in their relationships

because at least 50 percent of the people
shouldn’t even be married,

more or less purchasing property together.

I saw one in Atlanta.

It was a man and a woman.
They walked into the house.

And the first thing
out of the man’s mouth, he goes, “Ah!

I can’t live with this backsplash.”

Oh, my God, ma’am.

You have a much bigger problem
than what house you’re gonna buy.

You have accidentally married a gay guy.

And his boyfriend is not gonna approve
of this ugly backsplash

when he comes over here
while you’re at yoga,

aka drinking with your girlfriends
on a Thursday.

I’m just amazed to, like--

In my whole life
I’ve never punched anybody,

but if I was the Realtors on this show,

I would punch at least half of these
people-- my own clients right in the face.

They are so demanding, and they naysay
a house right out of the gate.

They just walk in and go,
“Pah! I can’t live here.

There’s no granite countertops.”

I’m sorry. Maybe you forgot.
You have a budget of $8.00.

Maybe...

you should be grateful that I’m not
showing you a mobile home right now

and bragging about the porch that JoJo
put on before he went back to prison.

What in Christ’s name

would make you think you can have
granite countertops?

And it’s always the meanest lady
of any episode

who at some point would go,

“I don’t know if I want to live here.
I don’t see any room for entertaining.”

Well, don’t worry, ma’am.
No one’s fucking coming over here.

You’re the meanest person I’ve ever
heard speak English on television.

Seriously.

But I think over the age of 40,
if that’s what I wanna do with my time--

Over 40 you can kind of give up.

If I just want to drink wine, why not?

The dream catcher didn’t catch anything.

It’s the third quarter. I’m losing.

Just--

I do understand-- Over 40--

I don’t understand young people
that kind of give up so early

where you can tell they’re just disgusted.

They don’t want any more information.
They have just had it.

Early, like in their 20s.

I flew to Norfolk, Virginia.
I’ve never been there.

I got off the plane.
And their airport was themed.

I’ve never seen that.
And the theme they chose was mermaids.

They were everywhere.

They were, like, in the carpet,
in baggage claim.

They’re handing you the luggage.

They’re just everywhere.

And I went to the gift shop on the way out
because I wanted to get water.

There’s a girl working in the gift shop.
She’s about 25 years old.

I said, “Hey, I’m not from here. What’s
going on with all this mermaid stuff?”

And she said, and I quote,

[raspy voice]
“I don’t know. Somebody saw one once.”

Wow.

Wow. I thought,
she truly doesn’t give a shit.

She-- Bigfoot could’ve been shopping
in that gift shop.

She’d be like, “I don’t know
what your hairy ass is planning on buying,

but I close in five minutes, all right?

I ain’t scared of you, Mr. Monster Man.”

“I don’t know. Somebody saw one once.”

Just so disgusted that I even asked.

But then after meeting the mermaid lady,

for, like, the next three months
no matter what question I was asked,

that’s the only answer I would give.

I’ll just go, “I don’t know.
Somebody saw one once.”

Because it is so confusing
and dismissive to the recipient,

but it’s so fun
if you’re the one saying it.

My-- My youngest brother,

the one who won’t let me speak
about Malaysian Flight 370,

he helps me with my taxes ’cause if I--

Any state you work in
you have to fill out their forms

even if you don’t get money back.

He called about six weeks
after I’ve met the mermaid lady,

and he goes, “Yeah, Kathleen,
I’m trying to do your taxes.

I’m trying to get all these states.
I think you worked in Wisconsin two times.

You should get--
They have a state-withholding tax.

You’ll be able to get a refund.
It’s a 3.8 percent.

Ah, da, da. When you got paid,
you should’ve been given some forms.

Do you know where those forms are?”

“I don’t know. Somebody saw one once.”

And I guarantee you, if you say that,

the only thing a person will ever
say back is, “What?”

And then-- [mouthing words]

That’s what I wanna do. I wanna drink
red wine and watch House Hunters .

Uh, I don’t usually think I drink too much

until you go to the doctor and they have
those drinking questions on there.

Yeah.

Mine, it’s seven and eight.

Question 7: Do you drink alcohol?
A little tiny box says, “Yes.”

Question 8:

Do you drink two, four, six
or eight drinks a week?

“No.” [laughs]

No.

You are not even in the right ballpark.
Jesus Christ.

What is this, a Mormon practice?

I thought the name said “Fitzgerald.”

And I would not be judged on my deviant
and abhorring drinking behavior.

See other side, parenthesis, arrow.

No.

If I do feel bad about my drinking,
I would come here.

’Cause you guys set a whole new bar.

[audience cheering]

Uh, or I go to Ireland.

I try to go once a year
to be with my people.

To reset my priorities and my boundaries.

I have friends
that go to Hawaii every year.

They’re like, “We love Hawaii,
but you seem to really love Ireland.

Do you think we would like it?
Do you think they’re similar?”

Oh. [scoffs]

Well, they’re both an island.

Um, Ireland, however,
would have no vegetables or sun.

I don’t know if those two things
interest you,

but they are fresh out.

It is not a healthy place.

That’s why I feel at home there,
and that’s why I like it there.

It’s sort of the gist.
They just don’t really, truly give a shit.

On a good level, in a healthy way,
they’ve decided to not be healthy.

I was in a pub. I ordered roast beef with
mashed potatoes, ’cause I love that,

and I thought, I’m going to ask,
probably the answer is no, but I--

The guy was like 80, the bartender.

And I go, “Hey, do you guys,
by any chance, have any corn?”

You would’ve thought
I asked for an eight-ball of cocaine.

I--

He goes, “Corn?”

[Irish accent] “No, we wouldn’t have
any corn here in the countryside.

We probably don’t have any corn
in the entire country at the moment.”

I said, “Have you ever had corn?”

“Yes. I’ve had corn.

When I was nine, we traveled to Germany.

And I had some corn
and I didn’t care for it.”

I was like, “Good for you.”
He hasn’t had corn in 71 years.

And he doesn’t give a shit.

And he looks fine.
And he’s bartending on a Thursday.

The whole pace of Ireland is just slower.
But I like it better.

It just takes you a while in your
American mind to slow down like that.

I went-- ’Cause they don’t--

It’s very-- Nobody’s really, you know,
fired up on it.

I went in a store that said “bagels,”
in a little town in the country.

I walked in. There’s a lady.

And there’s a glass case,
and there’s no bagels.

And I thought, here we go. Right?

I go, “You don’t have any--”

I thought maybe they were in the back.
“You don’t have any bagels?”

“No, I’m afraid we wouldn’t have
any bagels at the moment.”

“Are you selling
any other food right now?”

“No.

I wouldn’t be selling anything but the
bagels, and I don’t have at the moment.”

It’s at that point
your American brain wants to go,

“What the fuck is wrong with you people?”

But I would never do that
’cause I’m Midwest polite.

I-- I said,

“Uh, what-- Can I ask you a question?
Why are you still open?

’Cause you have nothing for sale.”

She goes, “I left the door open. First
of all, I don’t know where the bagels are.

They’re supposed to be here
half past 7:00. It’s half past 10:00.

I don’t know. Perhaps there’s been
an accident on the road.

You’ll say a rosary or perhaps
a novena tonight for Johnny the bagel man.

I left the door open in case I had a nice
conversation with someone like yourself.”

Oh, my God. I have to now go back
to the other bar and order a Guinness

in order to fix this conversation
in my brain.

I love Guinness. That is actually
my favorite thing in the whole world.

It’s the greatest drink.

It’s like somebody had a beer,

and then somebody threw a roast beef
in the beer,

and then somebody
put mashed potatoes on top

and handed it to you.

[man] Whoo!

It’s not healthy. But I really don’t care
about health either.

There comes a point in your life where
you’re like, “I think it’s too late.”

That’s why I don’t like to watch CNN

because Sanjay Gupta,
that doctor, comes on,

and he is a buzzkill.

Every single time he’s on, he’s got
bad news about things that can kill us.

But it’s things we’ve been doing
our whole lives.

I’m like, “Sanjay, people watching CNN
are most likely over the age of 30.

It is too late for us. You, sir,
should be on Nickelodeon.

Tell the children. Save the children.”

It’s too late.

I was watching it
about two weeks before Thanksgiving.

He came on. He’s like, “Uh-oh. Oh, God.

Horrible news. Uh, World Health
Organization just did a study.

And as it turns out,

they have decided that processed meats
are raising the cancer rates

by a much higher rate,
specifically bacon.”

-[audience jeering]
-Yeah.

Yeah, well, that’s right, Wisconsin.

That’s-- [chuckles] Whoa.

I’m like, bacon?

I’m sorry to hear that, Sanjay.

’Cause I love bacon.
I’ve been eating it my whole life.

Sometimes I put it in Bloody Marys.
I’ve actually drank bacon.

That’s how much--

I added it up.

In my life, give or take ten,
I have eaten 311 pigs.

I--

I’ve eaten a farm, sir.

You can’t fix that with a yoga class.

You can’t back that damage up
with a walk around the block.

And I don’t even go looking
for health stuff.

I’m not that person where-- No.
Like the front page of Yahoo.

I don’t know. Six months ago it said,

“If you’re fair skin with freckles,
uh, click here.”

Why, I don’t want to click it.

You know it’s not good news.

They’re not gonna go,
“Hey, guess what, freckle people.

Y’all won $50.
Run on down to the post office

and pick up your government check.”

No.

But I feel like I have to click on it,
’cause it’s a meeting of my people.

What if there’s an announcement
and I don’t hear it,

and I’m the only lady that didn’t know.

Look like some sort of jackass.

So I clicked on it.

Google this. It’s unbelievable.

They go,
“Uh-oh. Pah, just found this out.”

Incoming. Breaking news.

If you’re white with freckles, fair skin,
and you’ve been drinking orange juice--

All of us, our whole lives--

or eating grapefruit,

they have figured out that
when you go outside in the sun,

because your skin--

It’s so easy to penetrate your skin,

that the sun is activating the acid
from the grapefruits and the oranges,

raising your chances of melanoma
by, like, 27 percent.

Yeah. So now, I can’t go outside
to exercise in the sunshine.

Or I will become activated

which forces me back into the dark bar...

where I can have a Bloody Mary
with some bacon in it.

[applause]

[man] yeah!

And I said to my sister,
“I would-- I would exercise more.

But all I do is fly around.
I’m just sitting in an airport.”

She goes, “You should get a Fitbit.”
This is what this is on my arm.

It would work better
if I charged it properly.

But this counts your steps and your miles.

And it’ll have your heart rate
if you want to enter your food.

It’s like this--
I go, “Well, maybe I’ll do that.

Maybe I’ll get addicted to seeing
how many steps I get in a day.”

So, from my iPad, on my couch,

I ordered the Fitbit from Amazon.

I paid the extra money
to have it overnighted.

So the following day,
this was on my porch on my front steps,

which I now know is six and a half steps
away from my couch.

And then I opened it up, and I googled it,
’cause I wanted to know how it work.

Really? It can count how far I’ve walked,
steps and speed.

We can’t find Flight 370,
but I’m not supposed to talk about that.

Supposed to just let that go.

But we have this technology.

So I googled, “How does it work?”

It works based on this motion
from when you’re walking.

And then, my Irish jackasses kicked in
and I thought,

but does it know if my whole body
is moving?

What if I had a glass of wine
and I was going like that?

Would it know?

The answer is no. It does not know.

I drank two and a half miles
while watching the last--

-[applause]
-Thank you.

Two and a half miles
while watching the last Republican debate.

I know I won’t vote for any politician
who says this, uh, at anytime.

If they say it.
So far four of them have said it.

It’s like a hack line they say
on the campaign trail.

I just find it so cheesy.

They’ll go, “People, America is a place
where your dreams can come true.

I’m here to make your dreams come true.

Wouldn’t you like
your dreams to come true?”

I’m sitting there thinking,
“No. No, I don’t.”

And the fact that you said that
makes me certain

you have never drank a box of wine
and taken an Ambien.

I do not want my dreams to come true.

It was horrifying.
I did it like six weeks ago.

Here was the dream.
This is the whole dream.

I’m in Alaska, wearing a sombrero.

It’s raining Cheetos,
but I can’t move my arms.

[groaning]

Three and a half hours of that. No thanks.

And then I turned on late-night TV,
and that’s all the infomercials.

And there it was, the Sarah McLachlan
sad animal commercial.

-[audience groans]
-Exactly.

I feel the same way.

But I’ve seen it like 200 times.

And do you know what I’ve done? Honestly?

Nothing. And that’s not nice.
But that’s the truth.

I thought, why don’t I react to this?

I can’t get an animal. I’m gone too much,
but I could send the money.

I think they say like 62 cents a day
for the dog or the cat, right?

But then I thought, “Well, I don’t know
what’s going on there, Sarah,

but that kid on the other channel
is only 55 cents a day.

So maybe your cat’s living
a little large, Sarah.

Or maybe the child needs a raise.

I don’t know,
but someone should check that

before you start
throwing figures like that out at night,

late night when all the infomercials
are on in a row.”

And I thought, this ad doesn’t work on me

because it’s so sad,
I usually turn it off.

Like, you can’t motivate people to action
through the emotion of sadness.

You need to make people angry
or shocked or appalled.

That’s what gets people of their ass.

You don’t ever see a protest with a bunch
of people just laying around crying.

No. That’s not going to happen.

And I thought,
they need to redo this commercial

to make a lot more money for the animals.

I-- This is what I’m doing late night
after my Ambien and boxed wine.

I’m thinking of how to fix the commercial.

And I-- I would call Sarah back.
She seems like a lovely lady.

Call her up in Canada
and go, “We really messed up.

We need you back down here, and
we’re going to reshoot the commercial.”

You pay for her to come back to America.

You go, “Here’s what’s gonna--
Here’s how it’s going to work, Sarah.

We’re going to send you out
to that song that you wrote,

the saddest song ever written on earth.”

♪ In the arms ♪

[yowling] I don’t know what the words are.

I think it’s about that cat
having pink eye, but I can’t--

I don’t know.
That one definitely has pink eye.

It’s dangerous ’cause
it’s gonna hop to the other eye

like Bob Costas at the Olympics.

It’s-- It’s a mess.

You got to put hot water on it.
And cats don’t like water.

I don’t know
how you would begin to fix that.

But here’s what’s gonna happen, Sarah.

You’re gonna walk out to that song
that you wrote. Lovely song.

And in one hand, you’re going
to be holding a beagle puppy.

And in the other hand,
you’re going to be holding a pistol.

Remember, this is for the animals.
Stay with me.

And then I’m going to need you, Sarah,

to say in your oh-so-angelic voice,
without laughing--

You have to be serious.

She’ll go, “Hello. I’m Sarah McLachlan.

If someone doesn’t come down here...

in the next 45 minutes,
I’m gonna blow this beagle’s brains out.”

I would be horrified.

I’d be like, “Can you Shazam
her location? Where is she?”

And I would drive down there,

and I would take the puppy
and kick the gun out of her hand.

And where did you even get a gun?
You’re Canadian.

You’re allowed
one bear gun per family, Sarah.

That is not a bear gun.

You guys have been a lot of fun.
If you drank and you’re gonna drive,

focus.

Don’t be playing with your phone.

I am not advocating drinking and driving.

I’m not.

Drinking and driving is really bad.

And it’s really bad--
I never thought about this.

But I have a friend, who told me to say
was a very handsome friend,

Rick in Denver, he got a DUI.

I never thought about this
until he told me what happens.

Now when you get taken to jail,
they take all your stuff.

That includes your phone.
And they lock it all in a drawer.

Then they come back to your cell

and tell you you’re now allowed
to make one phone call.

[blows air]

Well, that’s the problem.

’Cause you just locked
my brain in a drawer.

I don’t know anybody’s phone numbers
by heart anymore.

Seriously, I don’t.

I don’t know what I--
What-- What would you do?

I know the number of the house
I grew up in.

I could call that family...

and hope
that they were really nice people.

“Don’t hang up. Don’t hang up. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I’m in so much trouble.

I know you guys are kind of busy
in Ferguson.

Do you have $2,800?”

Then I thought, seriously?
They wouldn’t let you look at your phone?

He goes,
“Kathleen, you don’t get it. No, no.”

I go, “I think that’s being stringent.

You’re not a murderer. You’re not
a rapist. You’re Drunky the Clown.

You’ve been captured.
You can’t hurt anybody.

They wouldn’t even show you
your contacts?”

“No.”

I thought, especially if I had
been drinking,

that’s when my jackass behavior
would kick in.

And I would say,
“Okay, I’m ready for my call.”

I let them bring me the phone,
and my one call,

I would call 911 from the cell.

[chuckling]

“Hello. Oh, yes,
this is absolutely an emergency.”

[blows air] “Well, I have been kidnapped.

That’s what’s going on here.

I was abducted by two men
in matching outfits.

And I was thrown into what I can
only surmise right now

is some sort of sex dungeon.”

[chuckling]

“No, I’m not laughing.

No, I’m not laughing.

My location?

Well, that actually is kind of funny.

If-- If you would just
glance down the hall.

Ha ha!”

All right, you guys, thank you so much.

I’ve had a great time.

Thank you for coming out.
We appreciate it.

Lew too. Thank you. Good night. Thank you.

Good night. Thank you, guys. Thank you.

[Arden] ♪ Kathleen ♪

♪ Madigan ♪