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♪ ♪

- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Ian Lara!

♪ ♪

- Yes.

Yes!

Come on, come on!

Sit down, sit down, stop!

Stop, stop, stop.

Sit down.

I know some of y'all looking confused like,

"Nobody is standing up."

That's why we did the smoke. We gonna edit that out in post.

They gonna have me in a full standing ovation

when I come out.

It's nice to be here, man, taping my HBO special.

This is nice. I'm glad to be doing this.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah.

I wasn't even gonna do this.

They just through me on last minute

'cause I just bought this jacket,

and it's the only thing I got invited to this weekend,

so it had to happen, you know?

That's one thing COVID taught me--

wear your outfits as soon as you get them.

Yeah. Don't save them.

You never know when they're gonna take this away from us.

You'll be stuck.

I went into a depression during the pandemic

for different reasons, 'cause at first when it hit,

I was nervous.

I was like, no, this is crazy.

We got to stay inside and stop the spread.

And then after a couple weeks, I was like, ooh...

when am I gonna wear this peacoat?

I was ready to come out.

As soon as things opened up,

I was outside in my best outfits.

I didn't care what the event was.

I was overdressed to everything.

I swear to God, I was the flyest nigga at the protests.

Dressed to the teeth.

I showed up to loot in a suede tuxedo.

Everybody was confused.

Like, is this nigga from corporate?

Why is he stealing a TV in a suede tuxedo.

That's not how you steal electronics.

He's gonna get hurt.

I liked the pandemic

for the break it gave us from each other.

I think we needed that, you know?

Things was getting out of hand being on top of each other

all the time, you know?

Like, traveling was getting too annoying for me.

Not for me. I like to travel.

I don't like it when other people travel.

I don't. A lot of new travelers now.

People start traveling,

and they think they better than you.

And I blame Groupon.

Groupon had to go and make every vacation affordable.

Now you got people that never left the hood

flying to Iceland for $175.

Then they come back and get cocky with you.

Now I got to listen to a nigga with face tats talk

about the Northern Lights for three hours.

They get mad when you don't understand.

It's like, "Dude, don't talk to me about science.

"There's a Virgin Mary tattooed on your face.

Talk to me about that. I want to learn about that."

It was too much too fast,

especially if you're a real New Yorker.

Y'all know New Yorkers-- we're not created

to just go experimenting all over the world.

We function here.

We know the rules to survive here.

There's rules to New York City. It's common sense to us.

Like, you get on a train, there's a homeless guy

in the corner with a curtain around him,

you stay out of his apartment.

That makes sense to us.

But you can't take a man used to wearing

Timberland boots at the beach...

and just drop him off in the middle of Iceland, okay?

No corner store bodegas,

nowhere to get loosie cigarettes.

It's very dangerous.

You got to take niggas out the hood incrementally.

Take them to Six Flags first.

See how they behave at Fright Fest.

Then we'll talk about traveling.

'Cause I travel now, but I had to learn how to do it.

I wasn't born with it.

Like, I didn't know vacations were supposed to be relaxing.

Y'all knew that? I didn't know that.

My parents were immigrants.

Immigrant parents don't go on vacation to relax.

Immigrant parents use vacation

like the Scared Straight program,

where they take the badass kids to the prisons.

That's how they'll treat you.

They'll take you to the worst part of their home country...

to show you what your life could be like...

[cheers and applause]

If you keep fucking up.

I remember the first time I went on "vacation"

with my family-- they just took me to a lake.

They was like, "That's where we went to school."

I was like, "How do you go to school in a lake?

It's a lake."

They was like, "Keep acting up. You'll find out."

I learned at a young age that summer vacation

was a different experience for the immigrant kids

compared to the white American kids,

whole family born and raised here.

Just culturally, it was different.

'Cause the teacher would quiz us when we got back.

She'd want to know, so she'd ask.

She'd start with the white kids.

"Hey, Tucker!

How was your summer? What did you learn?"

And Tucker would have a beautiful story.

He'd be like, "Well, me and my family went to Europe,

"and we visited all the museums,

and we learned all about the Roman Empire."

She'd be like, "Wow.

That's fantastic."

Then she'd get excited and ask me,

"How about you, Ian? What did you learn?"

And I'm nine years old like,

"Well, me and my family went to the Dominican Republic."

[cheers and applause]

"And I learned how to masturbate

without electricity, so..."

They used to send me to the principal's office.

I used to get mad like, "No, I don't know what Tucker

was doing with his vacation."

Anybody can masturbate in Europe.

That's easy. That's white privilege.

Everybody knows that.

You do it in a Third World country,

that builds character.

That takes determination and imagination.

Y'all should have seen the pictures

I was painting at nine years old.

That's when I knew I was gonna be an artist.

I was like, I think I got what it takes.

I'm a creative.

Now I'm 31. I'm single, not married.

I see some couples in here tonight.

You guys look good. I like couples.

I'm trying to be in a couple.

My own--I don't want to join your couple.

You got to be clear about that now.

There's people out there being in a happy relationship,

then, all of a sudden, just want other people

to join their couple.

There's a word for them.

They're called-- people that want

to date multiple partners-- they're, um,

men--that's the word I was looking for.

That was our thing first,

and they're trying to steal it from us.

And I'm not gonna pretend it's not fun being a single guy,

but I don't get the comfort

like you people in relationship.

When you in a relationship, you can get comfortable.

When you single, you can't get comfortable.

You got to stay up to date

with all the new sex that comes out,

'cause sex updates now.

I don't know why.

For thousands of years, it was the same.

We agreed we was gonna all do it the same.

From, like, the caveman era to, like, 2007, it was the same.

Then I don't know what happened.

Obama got elected, it just started updating.

I don't know why.

It comes at you fast. I can't keep up.

I remember when eating ass just came out.

You guys remember that?

Y'all remember when it was new?

Not a lot of people-- you couldn't get it everywhere.

It was like poke bowls.

Only certain regions of the country

knew how to do it right.

And people weren't open about it like they are now.

Now they admit it. Back then, no one admitted it.

Everyone had an uncle that would admit it,

but he was way ahead of the curve.

He shouldn't have been doing that.

He'd just show up to the barbecue like,

"What y'all got on the grill?

Y'all don't got no ass for me, do ya?"

Your family would just be like, "That's Uncle Freddy.

"He been talking about eating ass since the '70s.

"We don't know why he do it.

"Just keep the silverware away from him.

We'll figure it out."

Now we've evolved as a species.

Eating ass, that's first base.

That's like a bachelor's degree.

That's not impressing anybody.

And I'm not trying to pretend it's not fun being a single guy

or, like, it's harder to be a single guy than a single woman.

It's not harder, but when you a single guy,

when you hooking up randomly, you have sex,

you got to stay basic.

You can't get too crazy 'cause you'll go to prison.

Women, y'all can take risks. Y'all can do whatever you want.

'Cause men, we'll play along.

We never want to feel like we left out

of whatever the new update going around is.

So y'all can push us, but sometimes it get crazy.

I remember this one time I was talking to this girl.

We started kissing--

nothing crazy, just making out, normal.

In the middle of it, she grabs me by the back of my head.

And she took her two thumbs

and just started ramming them into my eyeballs.

She just started jamming her thumbs into my eyeballs.

In the middle of a make-out, I'm getting my eyes gouged out.

And I had two thoughts in my head.

One of them was like, dude, just pretend you like it.

Don't be a bitch. Don't be a bitch.

She gonna think she's better than you.

Don't let her have that.

And then my other thought was like, but you just got Lasik.

You can't be out here doing shit like this.

This is gonna ruin your corneas.

You shouldn't be doing this.

No part of me thought, hey, just tell her to stop.

I didn't even think that was an option.

'Cause men, we rationalize things in our head.

I had made peace with it.

I was like, oh, no, this is just

what white women are doing in Minnesota, okay.

I guess that settles the debate about who's hornier,

men or women?

I was willing to lose my vision...

for a six in Minnesota.

I don't think you ladies ever willing to go down that route.

Every time I tell people that story,

I get two different reactions, 'cause when I tell women,

they're very empathetic.

They're like, "I can't believe you let that happen to you.

"That is crazy.

You could have got yourself hurt."

Then I'll tell a man, and they're like,

"Nigga, sometimes you got to lose your vision.

What are you gonna do?"

They'll start bringing a Bible into it for no reason.

"God only gives his biggest battles

"to his strongest soldiers.

This is just the cross you got to carry."

And my family, you know, they want me to settle down.

They'll bring it up, you know.

You come from an immigrant family,

they'll put that pressure on you.

You ever had your family shame you for being single in public?

Why is it always the person in the worst relationship...

that wants to give you advice?

I got an uncle like that-- every time he see me,

he's like, "Ian, you still single, man?

"You don't know what it's like to have somebody else

"where you're holding them down,

"and they're holding you down,

"and you holding each other down,

"and it's just an unbreakable bond, man.

It's beautiful."

I'm like, "Your wife tried to stab you.

I drove you to the hospital. She stabbed you, man."

He's like, "Yeah, but she didn't leave.

"That's what I'm trying to tell you.

You need to get you one like this."

And my family-- they don't care where I'm at.

They'll just bring it up. They don't care what I'm doing.

Like, tonight I'm filming a special.

They don't care. They'll bring it up.

After the show, "Yo, Ian, what's wrong with you?"

I'm like, "What you mean? I just bought this jacket.

I'm doing okay. Why?"

They're like, "No, not the jacket.

"Why you here by yourself? What's going on?

"You can't find a nice lady to settle down with?

"Can't find a pretty girl willing

to settle down with you?"

I never get mad or embarrassed. I just tell them the truth.

I'm like, "Listen, it's not my fault.

It's because women don't settle anymore."

No, that was back in the day,

when you could trick a beautiful woman

into marrying you on discount.

She didn't know what was out there.

She thought you was the best she could do.

She didn't know.

Now they know.

Thanks a lot, Instagram. You ruined it.

Ruined it for everybody.

They don't want to settle down anymore, no.

Every single woman in here thinks they're one bikini photo

away from a DM from Michael B. Jordan.

They're not settling down with you.

You allowed to have whatever crazy expectations

you have of dating as a woman, you can just have them now.

They encourage it with each other--I hear them.

I hear them, "Girl, leave him. You don't need him.

"Who cares if he's a doctor? You're on OnlyFans.

You're the breadwinner. You leave him."

I had a woman tell me to my face

that she wasn't even gonna consider a relationship

unless she could be promised a love like "The Notebook."

That's what she wanted-- the movie with Ryan Gosling.

That's what she was looking for.

She wanted me to go fight in a war

while she fucked another guy.

She said that to my face.

I said, "I got to wait for you

"to get Alzheimer's to be with you?

This seems like a lot."

I remember when you just had to be tall.

Remember that?

That's all you had to aspire to as a man.

That's all women cared about.

You ain't need to have a job or make any money.

Just tall, that's it.

They used to ask me, career day,

"Ian, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

And with all the confidence in the world,

I'd reply, 6'2".

And the teacher would understand.

She'd be like, "You see, Ian's ambitious.

"This kid gets it.

He understands what it takes to be successful."

Now you can't just be tall. No, that's not enough.

I made the mistake--I asked a girl what was her type.

Guys, don't ask. You're not her type.

I'll tell you that right now. You're never her type.

But I asked. I wanted to know.

I said, "What kind of guys do you usually date?"

And I feel like she was trying to embarrass me

'cause she ain't even have to say all this.

She was like, "Oh, I don't really date guys like you."

I was like, "You ain't need to do that motion with your hand.

"I feel like this was unnecessary.

I kind of just understood from the words, but okay."

She was like, "Nah, it ain't you.

"It's that my ex-boyfriend had neck tattoos,

"so I think it's real sexy when a man has tattoos

all over his neck."

And I was like, "Oh, well, if helps you feel any better,

"I also am unemployed, so..."

"Not that different, me and your ex.

I think you have a type, Cindy."

That's what's fascinating about women.

Y'all can just have a type.

Y'all decide at an early age,

"This is the kind of men I like,"

and that's the only type of men you'll date.

And as you get older, it don't matter how attractive he is,

if he's not your type, you just won't sleep with him.

That's fascinating to me.

'Cause, men, we have a type also,

but I've never met a guy that takes that shit seriously.

Here's a sentence you're never gonna hear from a man, ladies--

"I told you, I can't sleep with you.

"You got big titties. I like medium titties.

"I'm sorry.

You're not my type. This isn't gonna work out."

Men, we have a type the same way we have a dream car.

It's very unrealistic.

When you young, you ambitious.

You young, early 20s, you got shit to prove.

You like, "One day, I'ma work hard.

I'ma get a Ferrari. You'll see."

Then you get older, your hairline starts receding,

and you're like, "I'll take a minivan, yeah!"

I just need to get around, man.

And I'm not trying to make excuses

for the men in the room, I'm not,

but, women, y'all control dating now.

You're in charge, which is fine.

We had a good run.

10,000 years, it was good. It was fun.

I'm just saying, give us time to adjust, though.

A lot of new rules when it comes to dating now.

Give us some time.

Like, women, y'all don't even get upset

after breakups anymore.

When did this happen?

I thought, you broke up with somebody,

she was supposed to be sad.

That's what every R&B song in the '90s

said was gonna happen.

Y'all remember the music video always had a girl crying

under a staircase or in a hallway?

That's what I thought was gonna happen

when I broke up with somebody.

'Cause your friends, they'll lie to you.

They're like, "Don't worry. She's not going anywhere.

"You got some time. Figure it out.

She'll be there when you get back."

Not anymore.

You break up with a woman now,

she starts living her best life immediately.

[cheers and applause]

No, no, don't clap. I don't like it.

It's too fast. I don't like it.

You get into an argument tonight,

in the morning, she's posting from Bali.

Like, when the fuck did you go to Indonesia?

I wanted to watch the game.

You flew to Indonesia overnight?

These Groupon deals are ridiculous.

I can't keep doing this.

And, again, not making excuses for the men,

but sometimes women like to call us immature.

That's a line I hear a lot, "Men are so immature."

But I need y'all to understand, when it comes to relationships,

men, we got to figure this out on our own.

There's nobody we can speak to. That's why it takes us longer.

Women, y'all have coaching.

Y'all got people y'all can speak to.

Y'all going through relationship trouble,

y'all get on the phone, you have a whole team of women

that'll take a week off work and move into your apartment,

have your living room looking like the Pentagon war room,

with TV monitors all over the living room

so they can dissect every message

he's ever sent to you ever.

Then they'll move on to phase two.

Y'all know what phase two is in a breakup?

It's a brunch.

They'll schedule a small brunch.

That's what they'll call it-- a small brunch.

67 women will show up to a restaurant

on a Sunday afternoon

dressed like they going to the Met Gala.

And that's where the real work gets done.

That's where they decide as a unit

when you text back, when you don't text back,

when you block him, when you unblock him.

Now they're so sophisticated,

they don't even need to ask any questions.

They just got to know two things,

two things they need to know--

when's his birthday and what time he was born.

They can tell you everything they need to know

about his personality.

These women don't play fair.

That's why I always tell the men, "Guys, listen,

you got to stop telling women when your real birthday is."

"I'm serious. They'll research it.

"They learn everything they need to know about you,

"and they'll use it against you.

Don't tell them. You got to do what I do."

I don't tell women my real birthday.

I'll ask you what your birthday is,

and I'll go on Google, and I'll look up

the best match with your birthday.

Then I'll pretend that's my birthday.

Then every time we get into an argument, I'm like,

"I don't know what to tell you.

The stars say we belong together, so..."

"I think this is a you problem. My moon is in alignment."

It's nice to have somebody you can speak to

when you're going through relationship trouble,

somebody you could just run your problems by.

They'll give you a clear perspective.

That's nice. Y'all think we don't want that?

But who we gonna speak to--men?

You ever had a good conversation

with a man about anything?

Now really think about that. Juggle your memory.

When was the last time you left a conversation

with an adult man thinking, "Nah, I'm glad I did that.

"He understood exactly what I was talking about.

This wasn't a complete waste of time"?

Men don't give good advice. I don't care how old you are.

No man in here gives good advice.

And it's not 'cause we're stupid.

I don't like that narrative. We're not stupid.

We're selfish. It's different.

We only think about ourselves.

You come talk to me about relationships,

I'll talk to you, but I'ma be honest with you,

I'm a single guy.

Single guys, we just want all of our boys

to be single with us so we can run the town together.

So you come talk to me, I might ruin your life.

I'm being honest.

Any minor inconvenience, I'm like,

"Dude, you don't need to be with her.

"Those kids are six and seven years old.

"They're practically adults.

"Pack your bags. We going out.

"It's wing night.

"You're 47.

You're too young to be thinking about a family."

And, ladies, I think y'all got a misconception

about men and our relationship with our boys,

'cause I think women can keep it real with each other.

Like, when y'all going through stuff,

if you tell your homegirl that you did something,

she could tell you to your face,

"Hey, you're wrong about that. You should apologize."

But men--we ain't trying to have no awkward conversation

with our boys.

We'll say anything to avoid shit getting weird.

I remember one time, one of my boys was going through it,

so he got the whole gang together

so we could give him "advice."

And, basically, this is what happened.

He was hooking up with some girl,

and I guess she wasn't into it like that,

'cause he said that as soon as he took his clothes off,

she just got up and said she had to go to work.

And he was genuinely asking us like,

"So y'all think she really had to go to work?"

And he had three adult men at the same time

look him dead in his eyes and be like,

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think it was you?

"No, she's probably a doctor. That's what it is.

"You could meet a doctor at the strip club, yeah.

A lot of doctors work at the strip club."

You can't count on your single friends.

And I know what y'all thinking, what about married men, right?

You can speak to them. No, you can't.

Married men are the worst. I don't speak to them at all.

They're completely clueless to what's going on.

Married men make me think marriage is like prison,

'cause married men think dating still works

the exact same way it did the day they got married.

Like, no one on the outside has updated.

Married men think how men who just got out of prison dress.

It was Sean John going in, Sean John coming out.

Their style not updating for nobody.

You ever try to talk to a man who's been married

a long time about women?

It gets weird.

Some of the stuff they suggest is borderline illegal.

You're like, "Sir, that's a crime now.

"I can't do that.

"I've seen a documentary on Netflix about that.

I'm not doing that."

I tried to talk to my grandfather about it.

He was married 62 years.

I'm thinking, he's an expert on women, right?

Let me throw some of my stuff at him.

He knows what I need to be doing--he knows women.

So I told him some of the stuff I was going through.

I was like, "Grandpa, I got this girl--I really like her.

"I been after her for a little while,

"but I don't think she's feeling me the same way.

"I'm trying to be respectful.

I think I'ma just leave her alone."

He was like, "First of all, you going about it all wrong."

He was like, "Why you speaking to her?

Call her father. Get her father on the phone."

He was like, "Call her father.

"Let him know you want to take his daughter out,

and he needs to do what's right for her."

I said, "What?"

That's what men were doing to women back in the day--

calling women's fathers unsolicited.

That's what they was doing to them.

Could you imagine--no wonder you ladies needed a movement.

That's what they was doing to them.

You see a woman, you like her? Call her father.

Get her father on the phone.

That was considered romantic.

I said, "That's the plot of the movie 'Taken,' okay?"

I don't think that's how you do it anymore.

I had to call him back.

I was like, "No, thank you, Grandpa.

"I'm not calling nobody's father.

"Young men, we know how to get women.

We know what they like to see."

I said, "I'ma just send her pictures

"of my penis over the Internet

"until she finally replies to me,

like somebody with class."

I'm not calling your father like a pervert.

I'm sorry. I was not raised that way.

I come from a Christian family. I'm not doing that.

And I feel like I was lied to.

That's why I don't listen to men.

Men lied to me.

Everybody told me growing up, "Man, you got to be careful.

"Once you turn 30, these women,

"their biological clock starts ticking.

"They're gonna want to have a baby,

"so they're gonna try to trap you,

"so be careful when you out there dating

'cause these women, they're gonna try to trap you."

No woman...

has ever tried to trap me ever.

When is that coming? When is the trap coming?

They're going the opposite. I'm going on dates.

These women are taking Plan Bs like it's vitamin C,

just mixing it right into their drink.

I'm like, "We having sex tonight?"

They're like, "No, we just want to make sure

there's no way possible we could reproduce."

Women don't want to settle anymore.

They don't care. Men want to settle now.

It completely flipped.

All of my boys in their early 30s,

they're all either married or trying to get married

'cause they're afraid they're gonna end up alone.

One of my boys just met a girl six weeks ago.

They just got together. Six weeks ago, they met.

He's going around telling everybody

he found the one.

I'm like, "You got to see how this plays out."

He's like, "Nigga, she's a manager at T-Mobile.

I don't know if I could find another one like this."

"I got to do what's right for me.

"My clock is ticking.

I can't be out here experimenting."

And men, we settle. We do it.

We learned how to do it, but we got big egos.

Y'all know the male ago, we can't just come out and say,

"I can't do better. I'm settling down."

That's not how you do it.

When a man's ready to settle, this is what he got to do.

He got to pretend that whatever girl he dates,

that's the type of woman everybody should date.

That's how he do it.

It don't matter what she look like.

You messing with a girl with no teeth, all you got to do--

start making fun of all your boys

who still messing with girls with teeth.

Soon as they walk in, you got to hit 'em with it.

"Yo, you still fucking that shark bitch Kiesha

with all the teeth?"

They gonna be home later that night like,

"Should I be messing with girls with no teeth?

"'Cause my lady got perfect teeth,

and she's kind of annoying, so am I doing something wrong?"

'Cause men--we got big egos, and I know, women,

y'all hate to deal with it.

The male ego, very fragile thing.

I know, but one of the benefits about the male ego is men--

we can just fabricate confidence

where confidence has no business being.

It's a gift. Women hate it. They don't like it, you know.

[chuckles]

And I know women hate it, 'cause every woman here

has dealt with a guy so confident yet so flawed.

You almost want to sit him down with a PowerPoint presentation

and explain to him all the reasons why

he shouldn't have confidence.

'Cause women-- they get frustrated.

They're like, "I don't get it! He's an unemployed DJ!

Why is he so confident?"

You know why, ladies?

'Cause men-- we don't need nothing.

We don't need no one to tell us nothing.

We just decide in our own head.

We just flip a switch like, "All right,

confident about this now."

And you could ask them like,

"Who told you you was good at that?"

They'll just be like, "Nobody.

"I just decided I'm the man at this now.

It's everybody else's problem."

You know when I realized men were the kings

of false confidence?

I had this dude I used to work with,

told me he was gonna get into porn.

He was gonna do pornography.

So I asked him, I was like,

"You got the equipment to do porn?

You got a big--"

I thought porn was like the NBA.

I thought you had to be big and Black to compete.

I didn't know anybody could just do it.

But apparently it's open to everybody.

I didn't know this.

He told me that most of the penises in pornography

are just average-sized penises.

Isn't that crazy?

Think about that.

In pornography, that's professional sex.

When a woman wants to get into sex work,

she can't just show up-- there's a look.

She got to go get her body-- there's a look.

Men will just grow a mustache, show up--

"I'm here for the sex.

Get the cameras. Record this for the sex."

You know how confident you got to be as a man

to look in the mirror with a 4 1/2-inch penis...

and be like, "I need to be having sex professionally"?

"This needs to be shared all over the Internet

for everybody to enjoy."

And, look, that's not a cheap joke about porn.

I'm just saying, we got to show them more respect.

We got to treat porn stars with average penises

like motivational speakers.

Bring them to the high schools, let them talk to the kids.

Let them know, don't listen to the haters.

You can do whatever you set your mind to

if you work hard and dedicate your life to it.

And, look, don't look at me like that, okay?

I'm in therapy. I'm working this shit out.

All right?

I got a therapist.

You got to now. It's mandatory.

In New York City, you got to have a therapist,

or you can't do indoor dining, I think--I don't know.

I don't know what the rules are, but...

Two things you got to do, you turn 30 in New York City.

You got to buy an air fryer and then go to therapy

in that exact same order.

[cheers and applause]

I showed up to therapy.

My therapist was like, "Where's your air fryer?"

I was like, "I didn't know you needed an air fryer."

He's like, "You go purchase an air fryer.

Then you come back, and we'll work on your childhood."

Got me a Jewish therapist.

If y'all looking for therapy, go Jewish.

Nah, they're very reliable. They know what they're doing.

I had a Dominican therapist.

Had to get rid of him.

Found out he was a party promoter on the side.

I ran into this nigga at the club.

He tried to do a shot with me at the club.

I was like, "I'm not gonna be paying your co-pay

if we gonna be doing shots together at the club."

I should've known, 'cause his therapy sessions

always used to interlap with his side hustle.

I never picked up on it.

He used to be like, "Ian, you need to work

"on how you express yourself with others

"this Friday night at Penthouse on my guest list...

between 9:00 and 12:00."

It's like, they give therapists a guest list?

This is crazy.

My Jewish guy's great, though.

I'll give you guys free therapy.

This is what he told me.

He said, "If you want to better yourself,

"this is what you need to do.

"You got to set small goals.

"Once you achieve those, you set bigger goals.

"And that's how you climb the ladder

to becoming a better person."

I said, "Perfect, I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna stop texting and driving."

He was like, "That's a good one.

"Are you worried that you're putting other people's lives

at risk?"

And I was like, "No, I'm worried

I'm putting my reputation at risk."

And he was like, "What do you mean?"

And I said, "Well, Shlomi--"

It's the Jewish guy.

I said, "Well, Shlomi, I'm afraid one day

"I may get into a car accident and lose my life,

"and at the crash scene, they're gonna recover my phone,

"try to piece together what I was doing

"when I got into this car accident,

"start reading all of my text messages

"all out of context.

"Then they gonna try to make an example out of me,

"take one of my text messages, put 'em up on a billboard

"on the side of a highway.

"Then every time somebody drive past this highway,

"they're gonna see a picture of me and a text message

"talking about eating ass, and everybody gonna think

"I died trying to eat ass.

"And I'ma be dead, so I won't be able to explain--

"'I wasn't really trying to eat her ass.

"'I was trying to get to know her.

"'That's how you get to know women now.

You got to let her know you mean business.'"

And Shlomi was like, "I have no idea

what you're talking about."

I was like, "I should have brought this up

with my Dominican guy."

"This is more his expertise."

Y'all don't worry about things like that?

You ever worry about what'll happen if somebody

recovered your phone but you wasn't around

to explain what you was doing on that phone?

I realized this 'cause I was at a red light.

I was texting with a friend of mine.

He coaches a basketball team,

third-grade boys' basketball team,

but he takes it real serious.

He thinks it's like real life.

He was complaining to me about how the boys

wasn't taking him serious.

It was playoff time, but they wasn't paying attention.

And I'm trying to console him.

This is my last text message to him.

This is what I said to him-- I was like,

"If these little boys can't keep they mouths shut,

then we just gonna have to get rid of them."

What if that was the last text message

I ever got to send out?

You trust your friends?

You think your friends would defend you?

Mine's won't. My friends all dicks.

They be at my funeral like, "Ian was a good dude,

but he just couldn't leave those little boys alone."

Just couldn't do it.

And I talk about settling down a lot.

A lot of part of my act is about dating

'cause that's what my grandma always used to tell me.

I remember she used to tell me, "Settle down young.

"Settle down young, 'cause when you settle down young,

"you get to take romantic vacations

with your partner all over the world."

And that sounds good to me,

'cause I'm tired of doing the guys trip.

I think I'm getting too old for that.

Like, I've done Vegas a bunch of times.

I've done Miami a bunch of times.

And that was fun, but--my boy called me up the other day.

He was like, "Ian, you know what we still need to do?"

I was like, "What?"

He was like, "We need to go see Paris."

I was like, I don't know if I want to go see

the Eiffel Tower with my niggas.

That's not the type of vacation...

I don't know if y'all know this.

Not every vacation is meant for you

to go on with other men.

I learned that the hard way, 'cause a couple years ago,

I thought it would be a good idea

to go on a cruise with my best friend.

It was just me and him.

We thought it was gonna be a singles cruise

with a bunch of single girls running around,

but it wasn't.

It was just me and my best friend on a boat

with 1,200 other couples for 7 days straight.

And we both straight, but after being on a boat

for, like, three days with just couples,

you become a couple.

That's just how it works.

Everybody partners up on cruises.

I didn't know that.

There's a dinner where couples got to wear matching outfits,

and you don't want to mess up anybody's picture,

so you put on matching outfits.

And then people come up to you.

They'll give you compliments like,

"You guys look adorable."

You just say thanks and keep it moving.

You don't got time to explain to everybody

that you're not together.

Got to go to the salsa class on the lovers' deck.

Y'all know how cruises work. They start on time.

If you show up late, you won't get a good seat.

Here's why you don't go on a boat with another man.

Seven days, that's a long time. You're gonna argue.

But you're with another guy,

so your arguments won't make sense.

You start fighting about stuff

that men shouldn't be fighting about,

and it'll change your relationship.

I got upset at my best friend at the dinner table

'cause he was ordering too much dessert.

That's not the type of stuff men should be fighting about.

But that's my best friend.

And diabetes runs in his family.

I don't want to have to see him go through that.

Craziest thing we did--

on the last night, we went to the magic show.

Don't go to the magic show with your boys.

There was a hypnotist at the magic show.

He asked for two volunteers.

He was like, "Can I have a single girl

and a single guy to the stage?"

Right away, a single girl volunteer,

he called her up to the stage, so I told my boy,

I was like, "Look, there's a single girl.

You should go up there. Maybe you could talk to her."

So my boy volunteered. He calls him up to the stage.

Hypnotized both of them, had them playing games.

It was fun.

I was very excited and proud of my friend.

I was standing up, clapping for him, cheering him on.

I was cool.

It was just weird for everybody else around us

'cause everybody on the cruise had already got to know us

as the Black gay couple on the cruise.

So they was just confused as to why I was so excited

for my boy going back into the closet

in the middle of vacation.

So, for the rest of the trip, they just kept sending me

drinks with little notes written on them like,

"You don't need to be with a man like that."

That's the last time I book a vacation on Groupon,

I'll tell you that.

I don't like that.

This is great, man. This is great.

I had a crazy year.

I lost my mom last year, which was really--

[audience aws]

Yeah, it was a real tough time for me.

I'm kind of still piecing that back together.

My mom was one of the most gangster people

I've ever met in my life-- strong Dominican woman.

She was born in the Dominican Republic,

moved to the United States at the age of 17,

lived in the United States for over 45 years.

Never learned a word of English.

People think that's lazy. I think that takes skill.

You know how committed you got to be to live somewhere

for 45 years and not pick up on a single word?

That takes Navy SEAL-level training.

And that's the knock on immigrants.

That's what we tell them.

We're like, "If you're gonna move to this country,

you got to learn out language and adapt to our culture."

We say that--America...

the country that won't adapt to the metric system,

the international unit for measuring.

We're like, "Yeah, we not gonna learn that."

That's what everybody uses.

You ever travel to Europe. They'll try to convince you.

They're like, "Look, kilometers is a lot easier."

And we like, "Yeah, but we already made our signs,

so I'm sorry."

"You guys got to change. That's how it works."

I think not adapting to society is the most American thing

you could do, and I'm a proud American,

born and raised in New York City.

If I ever had to live in another country...

[cheers and applause]

I ain't adapting to shit.

I'm bringing New York City with me.

I got a New York attitude. I can't live anywhere else.

I could be in the nicest place. I could be in Canada.

I get on the train, pissed off for no reason.

Like, "Yo, why nobody masturbating in here?

"Nobody masturbates on your trains?

"I don't like it here. I don't feel safe.

Take me home."

Guys, I'm Ian Lara. You guys have been great.

Thank you guys for coming out. I really appreciate it.

This means a lot to me. Thank you, sir.

Thank you. I really appreciate it.

Thank you, man.

[cheers and applause]

[mouthing words]