Original subtitles

♪ I could fly ♪

♪ an aeroplane... ♪

You're sure ryan Is the one you want?

You don't want to talk About it

Or weigh the pros And cons?

I'm done overanalyzing.

I have to listen to my gut.

And my gut is telling me

That I have never been So sure that I've wanted

Anything In my whole entire life.

Then you have To tell him.

I think I can do one better.

The wood is From the birdhouse

I fucked up on the first Day we met.

The pottery is supposed To represent me--

Weak and malleable At the beginning--

Not sure exactly What it wants to be,

But then spend a little time With it,

Put a little heat on it,

It grows strong And sturdy. Heh.

And the italian Love letter?

Oh, I just think italian Is as romantic as shit.

You can't just leave This here.

This is A sketchy area.

What if somebody tries To steal it...

Or use it as shelter?

Relax, megan. We're not Leaving it here.

We're putting it in there.

He gave you a key?

No. We're breaking in.

♪ listen close ♪

♪ it's time that I impart ♪

♪ these words of wisdom ♪

♪ on how flirting is an art ♪

♪ you'll never, ever lose ♪

♪ just follow my rules ♪

♪ you'll have Any man you choose ♪

♪ when you follow the rules ♪

♪ just follow the rules ♪

He's not there.

Oh, come on.

Careful, careful. Steady.

Does it smell in here?

What is that?

Oh, my god. He's been robbed.

No. It's always like this.

What do you want to Do with this thing?

Let's put it on the bed.

How about in front Of the toilet

So he can see it Before he pisses?

Sometimes he goes In the sink.

Ew! Gross.

Kitchen?

His stove's broken. He's Been using a hot plate

In the bathroom.

Maybe we should Just set it right here

In the middle of Everything.

That way He can't miss it.

All right. There we go.

Now what Do we do?

Well, we've baited the trap. Let's see what we catch.

Hello?

Were you expecting Someone else?

Isn't everyone Expecting someone else

When it comes to you?

Don't be such a bitch.

Ouch. I was just Joking.

No, I think we're done With joking at this point.

Let's just keep it Professional from now on,

All right?

Someone's Being naughty today.

You know, I've never been

In the women's Bathroom before.

Is it everything you Thought it would be?

It's a little bigger Than I thought.

I bet you don't hear That often.

You know I'm used to Being the butt

Of stupid jokes.

And, honestly, it Used to bother me

When people like Lizzie

Would call me A pussy.

Then I realized that She was just doing

Something to make Herself feel better.

Because without her Bitchy aura,

She didn't know who She was.

Is that what I give off, A bitchy aura?

Yeah. You do.

Listen, we've got Something special

Together that I'd Like to give a try.

You think about what You really want.

When you've made up Your mind,

Let me know.

You know, those people, Couples, who you see

Walking down the street with That look on their face

Like they're not Thinking about

What's coming next.

♪ you're my only... ♪

Contentment.

I used to think that Those people are stupid.

♪ and I'm still waiting... ♪

Like, too stupid to Realize that they're

About to get dumped Or that their boyfriend

Is cheating on them.

♪ oh oh oh oh... ♪

Are they The stupid ones

Or are we the stupid Ones for chasing

After something that Is insignificant

In the grand scheme Of things

Or that doesn't Exist at all?

Ben cheated. That is real.

Yeah. But that's ben.

That's not every Guy or girl.

I mean, take jason.

The whole time That we were

In a relationship, I pretended

Everything Was perfect.

And it wasn't

And not Because he cheated

Or because he

Slurped His soup weird

Or because of That crazy mole

On the back Of his leg.

Oh, my god.

Have you seen that mole On his knee?

The one that looks like Marvin the martian?

Totally creepy, right?

Right. Ha ha!

Well, contrary To popular opinion,

I did not Break up with him

Because Of that mole.

Mm-hmm!

♪ I'm still waiting... ♪

I broke up with him Because of me.

That's funny.

I think every girlfriend I've had broke up with me

For the same reason.

Because Of themselves?

Nope.

Because of me.

♪ let's start again ♪

♪ oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ you're just my type ♪

♪ I think you know it ♪

♪ let's start again ♪

♪ oh oh oh oh... ♪

Did you just break Into my apartment?

I can't break in if you Leave the door unlocked.

This is chicago--

The city with the highest Crime rate in the country.

So did you come here To rob me

Or just give me More statistics?

No.

I came here to tell you

That the risks far Outweigh the rewards

When it comes to love.

Bullshit.

What do you mean, Bullshit?

That's not How you feel.

♪ my words come clean... ♪

I'm willing to try.

"Willing to"?

I want to.

♪ the fine air ♪

♪ fills me ♪

♪ shut out ♪

♪ the sound ♪

♪ softening ♪

♪ vision... ♪

The door's Still unlocked.

Shh.

♪ and love, it escapes ♪

♪ we're wild, we're wild ♪

♪ we dream in its place ♪

♪ light and darkness ♪

♪ finding their ways... ♪

How are we ever gonna Keep this secret at work?

♪ a home ♪

♪ my heart filled With sound... ♪

Why does this have To be a secret?

♪ looking for peace ♪

♪ to find existence... ♪

Take your shorts off.

♪ and I am left With right... ♪

You boss me around All day at work.♪

My house, my say.

♪ a single ♪

♪ belief ♪

♪ changing ♪

♪ feeling ♪

♪ we're not ♪

♪ who we seem ♪

♪ just furthering ♪

♪ sustain ♪

♪ we're not... ♪

But don't go Too soft on me.

♪ who we seem ♪

♪ and love, it escapes... ♪

You'll never have To worry about that.

♪ we dream in its place ♪

♪ light and darkness ♪

♪ finding their ways ♪

♪ to carve a home, a home ♪

♪ my heart filled With sound ♪

♪ through fire and cinders ♪

♪ looking for peace ♪

♪ to find existence ♪

♪ heart cannot breathe ♪

♪ and I am left with right ♪

♪ oh oh oh oh... ♪

♪ and love, it escapes ♪

♪ we're wild, we're wild ♪

♪ we dream in its place ♪

♪ light and darkness ♪

♪ finding their ways ♪

♪ to carve a home, a home ♪

♪ to carve a home ♪

♪ oh oh oh ♪

♪ there's a change ♪

♪ why don't You leave me alone... ♪

Oh, perfect 10. This is A tree you want to climb.

I'll go build The ladder.

Nah, I'm good.

Ok, plan "B."

Another 10 but on A scale of 50.

You can do this one Yourself.

Thanks, but, no, thanks.

Whoa!

Are we a sad Monkey tonight?

We got To talk, bro?

No. We don't need to talk,

But what I do need Is another drink. Tyler?

Bonjour, fiance!

Hi, darling.

I had some ideas For the ceremony.

I can hardly contain My anticipation.

What do you think

About "A nightmare before Christmas"-inspired wedding?

I think, just when I think you've reached

The limit of deranged, You surprise me again.

Perhaps you should be More supportive,

Or I might change My mind...

Darling.

Your wish is My command, darling.

Better!

Women.

You could always Switch teams.

Hmm...No.

Thanks for coming With me

To get the rest Of my stuff.

Of course. That's how We met, remember?

Are you sure you want To do this right now?

I mean, I don't Even know why you guys

Are fighting. Do you?

All I know is she hasn't Called me in days.

Clearly, she doesn't want Me around anymore.

I thought you'd be At work.

I took A mental health day.

We're just here to get The rest of my stuff.

So... Hi.

I'll just wait Outside.

You never called. What?

I didn't think you Wanted me to.

Because of some Stupid fight

About a toilet seat?

I didn't really know What it was about.

Whatever it's about, We can work it out.

You don't have to leave

Because of some Stupid fight.

That's what relationships Are all about.

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I do this.

It's just when shit Happens, I run.

It's just who I am.

It's not who you are.

It's what you do.

Maybe it's time For a new m.O.

Well, you're the first Girl who's ever made me

Want to get one.

Aw.

You can go now, sam.

Oh. I think I'll just go now.

♪ you Gotta love someone ♪

♪ to know you're not alone ♪

♪ you try and you try ♪

♪ love someone ♪

♪ to know you're not alone ♪

♪ and you try and you try ♪

♪ love someone ♪

♪ to know you're not alone ♪

♪ and you try And you try... ♪

Megan! I need your help.

Go.

My cute little Florist.

We had the best time The other night.

I can totally be Myself around him.

And the sex was Amazeballs.

We've been flirty Texting ever since,

But every time I ask Him to hang out,

He's busy.

What do you want to do?

I want to break Into his phone.

Lizzie used to do this To keep tabs on her exes

All the time.

Let's see if it still...

♪ I wanna Be cool like you... ♪

Works.

♪ I wanna do What you do... ♪

Me, me, work friend, Me. Mom--aw--

Me, work-- Work friend.

There's Nothing here!

Why doesn't he want To see me again?

♪ get everyone I want to... ♪

Sometimes, there is No reason.

♪ grant wishes, too, Now make it true... ♪

Sometimes you just Have to move on.

♪ so I can be The hottest girl... ♪

No. Fuck that. This Ain't over. Come on.

When I said, "Move on," I didn't mean

To his place Of business.

We could get Arrested for this.

Rule number 97, Right?

He could be the one. You never know.

Oh. Yes!

What are we looking For exactly?

You don't think he's Really gonna invoice

Himself for sending Flowers to another girl?

I don't know what We're looking for.

I just want answers.

I'll go take his ipad. You go look in the back.

Ok. Ok?

Right or left? Yeah, yeah.

Was it right? Mm-hmm.

Ok. Ah!

He's still logged Into facebook!

Chocolate!

We didn't need to create This sort of scenario.

Oh, my gosh! What?

Did you see this?

He was just gonna Throw these away.

I'm totally taking them.

What?

It's a rescue.

Come on.

Stop, stop, Stop. Wait. Where?

Let's head To the bootleg.

♪ yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah... ♪

Nothing?

No flirty texts,

No suspicious Phone calls,

No compromising ims.

It's a riddle wrapped In a mystery

Inside an enigma.

And if you say

"He's just not that Into you,"

I will stab you in The eye with a straw.

A reptile cage?

If you think I'm getting married

Without my best friend,

Then you can Think again!

We'll work Something out.

♪ ...Of A brand-new start... ♪

I can't Believe she's

Getting married Before I am.

That could have been You walking down

That black carpet aisle,

But you thought It would be bad luck.

Now I just think I'm bad luck.

♪ you don't have to go, Baby ♪

♪ honey, don't get off... ♪

Great. Now I've Lost my phone.

I suck at life.

I know what you mean.

I was such a bitch To everyone

Who tried to help me.

It kills me To suggest this,

But maybe you should say That to someone else.

It's too late.

It's never too late. Go on.

♪ c'mon ♪

♪ I like to turn you on ♪

♪ I said, hey... ♪

Hey, can I Borrow your phone?

I want to try to Track it

Through that app Thingy.

Sure.

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah... ♪

What are you Looking at?

Nothing.

♪ ...Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ keep on dreaming... ♪

Can I buy you A drink, sailor?

What do I look like, A village person or something?

Thanks, but I'd rather Drink a pint of gasoline.

Look, I came over here To say I'm sorry.

Go on.

I was blind.

Well, blind and deaf And dumb.

You definitely nailed The dumb part.

I was an asshole.

I should have never Blamed you

For ben's cheating.

♪ 'cause all I want Is a stereo desire... ♪

Apology accepted.

So now that we're Friends...

Best friends.

♪ yes, I want, Yes, I want... ♪

Can I ask you to do Something for me?

Like what?

♪ want... ♪

♪ I said, hey ♪

♪ c'mon, I like to... ♪

That's not Very friendly.

Are you in Or are you out?

Ok. Whoa. Whoa. Pump The brakes here.

I'm not some cheap date That you can just offer

To buy a drink.

Then suddenly I'm this Little pinocchio puppet

That you can just Play with

And make me do these Little dance routines.

No. I'm a man. I have self-respect.

Ok. Forget I asked.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Now that I think About it, I'm in.

Does ben know you have A key to his office?

I made copies years ago.

He has no idea.

Voila!

Ha ha!

Honk, honk, Honk, honk.

Yes.

There we go.

I just want to make Sure you see this

Real quick here.

♪ I can't wait ♪

♪ 'til they call Your number ♪

♪ one plus one Equals one... ♪

That is what Extra biceps

Do for you, ben.

♪ we're gonna get back ♪

Oh! This is What he needs.

Yes.

♪ oh, come on, now ♪

♪ why don't you count To 10? ♪

♪ come on, I can't hear you ♪

Hold on.

Oof. Ha ha!

Ooh...

Drink some of that.

Ooh!

Keep it going. There we are.

♪ we're gonna get back ♪

♪ baby, please, Won't you try... ♪

Oh, my god.

Holy cow.

Oh, shit.

♪ two steps forward moving ♪

♪ faster than ever ♪

♪ we're gonna get back... ♪

♪ baby, please... ♪

Oh! No.

That is not an inlet. That is an outlet.

Heh heh.

Yeah. Right there.

Holy shit.

Oh, fuck.

Oh! Oh...

Ahh...

Oh, yeah.

Played a little Shovey.

Ha ha ha...

A little shake-and-shake.

Yeah.

Honk, honk, honk, Honk.

Ooh...

Oop! No.

That's an inlet, Not an outlet.

Yeah. Right there.

Oh, honey...

Did you find out

He was fucking Someone else?

Does he have A girlfriend?

A wife and 3 kids In iowa?

It's not about The stupid florist.

I just found out that my best Friend from first grade

Died in a car accident This morning.

Megan...

I'm so sorry.

I haven't spoken to her In years.

But it just made me think About stuff, you know?

Like, when you were 7, you Can't wait to get older.

You think being an adult Is this magical time

And place, where you have Total freedom

And everything turns out

Exactly the way you Want it to.

I thought I'd have all The answers,

Like all the other Adults I knew.

Now all I have Are questions.

No one has all The answers.

Pretending you have all The answers is easy.

Continuing to ask The questions

Is what takes Real strength.

You think so?

I used to think that If lizzie ever left me

That I would die,

That I would literally Stop breathing.

But I didn't.

That experience has Only made me stronger.

And now I have you.

And I have jenna...

And I have amy.

You're not Replacements for lizzie,

But you're additions To the tribe,

And I wouldn't trade You for anything

In the world.

Have you ever seen "Titanic"?

It's only my favorite Movie ever made.

Well, fire it up.

I'm gonna go grab The tequila.

Tequila? Why?

'cause you've never Watched it before

Like I watch it.

Get ready to drink. Ha ha...

♪ "So is There anywhere" ♪

♪ "You want to go?" ♪

♪ she says, "Any place is home" ♪

♪ "But is there anywhere You want to go?" ♪

♪ her crooked smile ♪

♪ "How about mexico?" ♪

♪ well, get back, well, Get back, well, get back ♪

♪ well, get back ♪

♪ "You will surely be" ♪

♪ "You'll be the death of me" ♪

♪ "And you surely..." ♪

Problems?

If we don't get him Married stat,

They're gonna shanghai Him back to manitoba.

I'm sorry, sam. I don't Know anyone at city hall.

But I do.

There is no way that I am Setting you up with megan.

She takes weeks to get Over a bangover.

Haven't you ever Slapped a bitch before?

Nice.

Penni, you have To get married.

Come meet me in The bathroom

And make up for Last time.

So you're gonna try And find a skank

To take home tonight?

I was worried you'd gone off With somebody else.

I'm watching you, pal.

My place in an hour.