Original subtitles

Megan: So you got my note?

Yes. And I'm sorry.

Usually it's Hos before bros,

But not when it's Actually your bro.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know that You'd care so much.

Well, maybe you shouldn't Care so much what I think.

It can be really Liberating

To not give a shit What other people think.

Sometimes you have to just Do what's right for you.

So what's his Name again?

Paul, I think.

I don't know Anything about him.

I met him for, like, 18 seconds

Outside of bootleg. Ha ha!

Who should I be?

You don't have To put on a show.

Just be yourself.

Follow your instincts.

That's it?

Yes!

Hey, megan. You look great.

Hey. Um...

This is My friend sam.

She just stopped by

On her way To bootleg.

Ah. The old "Make sure He's not a lunatic" friend.

Hope I pass The smell test.

Mmm. Ha ha.

I'm peter. Nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you As well.

I'm sure you'll pass With flying colors.

You guys have a good night.

See you later.

Faces on film: ♪ oh, it's Moonlight fading you... ♪

For what it's worth,

I don't think you're A lunatic either.

Well, you know, The night's still young.

You can change your Vote at the end.

Do you ever just Follow your instincts?

Well, I had a good Feeling about you

When we met outside The bar the other night.

But do you trust it?

Completely.

Which instincts are Pulling you right now?

Kristin diable: ♪ listen close ♪

♪ it's time that I impart ♪

♪ these words of wisdom ♪

♪ on how flirting is an art ♪

♪ you'll never, ever lose ♪

♪ just follow my rules ♪

♪ you'll have Any man you choose ♪

♪ when you follow the rules ♪

♪ just follow the rules ♪

[sirens in distance]

I knew this was A good feeling.

Oh, my god. You're So fucking hot.

[chuckling softly]

Wait.

I don't know Anything about you.

It's ok. It's ok. But--

What do you like?

Do you like the bedroom Nice and easy?

Do you want the kitchen Hot and heavy?

Or the bathroom, Wet and wild?

It doesn't matter. It's ok. You choose.

You choose.

Ok...

Um...

Let's do it Right here.

Right here? Yeah.

So right here.

[both breathing heavily]

[both moaning]

[chuckles]

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

That was amazing.

Oh, my god.

Do you want To stay over?

[breathing heavily]

I mean, I'm still A little hungry.

We could go get Some dinner.

I actually have to get up Early in the morning.

But this was fun.

Yeah. [chuckles weakly]

We'll do this again, Though, right?

Yeah. I'll call you.

Sam: have you ever Liked the smell

Of someone's sweat?

Um, no. Why do you ask?

Oh. No reason. Just curious.

Like, during sex?

Mm. Maybe. I don't know.

Abbey george: ♪ treasures in my chest... ♪

Sam: yeah.

You slept With ryan again.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

I thought you hated him.

Yeah! I don't know.

I--it just Felt right.

Like fuck buddy right Or boyfriend right?

I told you, no labels.

I'm just going with My instinct.

It's the new me.

Here's to sam's nasty, Stanky boyfriend.

Ugh.

Ew. Sam: guys!

He is not my boyfriend.

Blair: You love his sweat?

Then you love his Pheromones.

If he's not Your boyfriend yet,

He's about to be.

No labels.

Call it what you Want.

He's got you In a carnal embrace.

Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does.

Tyler: yeah, he does.

Yeah, he does.

Fuck yeah, he does.

Oh, you better Believe he does.

Sam: oh, my god!

Tyler, you have a boyfriend.

You haven't had a boyfriend Since I've known you.

Ok. No labels.

Right, girlfriend?

To the new me. To the new you.

To the new us. Ah.

George: ♪ you got to unlock The mystery ♪

♪ you'll find it there... ♪

Give me a hand in The back, babe.

No problem, Babe.

[men chuckle]

[both chuckle]

And then this morning, He barely acknowledged

My presence, except to Give me the stink eye

For reading the newspaper Before him.

Old fish rule.

Ok. That sounds like Something I'm

Not gonna Want to hear.

Guest who stays too long Starts to have

A bad scent.

It doesn't matter What you do

Or how nice you are.

It's his space.

And I'm the old fish In this situation.

To him.

To me, something Very different.

Linda good: ♪ ...I want To be with you... ♪

Move in with me.

[chuckles]

♪ wherever I go, I want... ♪

Amy: oh, shit. You're serious.

Stop looking to run.

You spend the night All the time.

Yeah.

We just started This.

And I've seen you Every night since then.

What are you afraid of?

Fucking--fucking up Something good,

Like I always do.

Good: ♪ carry on... ♪

Carrie: I've never Had something

That seemed So good.

I'm a big girl. How about you?

Good: ♪ wherever I go, I want to go with you ♪

♪ carry on ♪

♪ carry through ♪

♪ wherever I go, I want to go with you ♪

[new song starts On soundtrack]

Jules larson: ♪ I'm always a mess ♪

♪ never on time ♪

♪ drive too fast ♪

♪ makes me feel alive ♪

♪ I don't care if we're Doing things right... ♪

Oh. This stuff Is vile.

Who drinks This shit?

♪ say good night... ♪

No one, with that kind Of advertising.

♪ all right, it's ok... ♪

Sam: hi. Have you Tried kombucha?

I really thought it Would taste better.

Larson: ♪ do it while We're young... ♪

You are terrible For business.

Please tell me

This isn't really Your business.

♪ worry is a wasteland ♪

♪ so sick of Making sense... ♪

Not anymore.

You hungry? I'm hungry.

Let's take a break.

You want to grab us A table over there?

I'll be right back.

Jason: So how bad is it?

♪ worry is a wasteland... ♪

Most of these are Unopened.

How long has this Been going on?

Hard to say.

I try not to open my Mail unless it's a check

Or an invitation to A party.

Tyler, this is serious.

Why didn't you come To me sooner?

I don't know.

I just thought if I didn't respond,

They'd just forget About me.

Strangely the ostrich Defense

Hasn't enjoyed much Legal success...

Ever. Look, I have A friend from law school

Who works at Homeland security.

I'll give him a call,

And I'll see if there's Anything we can do.

Don't panic. We'll find a way.

Promise?

No.

Larson: ♪ a wasteland ♪

♪ ooh ooh ♪

♪ ooh ooh ♪

♪ why worry? Why? ♪

♪ why? Why? ♪

♪ why worry? Why worry... ♪

Score!

Oh. That's yours.

♪ why worry? Why... ♪

Where were you?

It's been, like, Half an hour.

Got somewhere you Need to be?

Well, I guess I just thought

I'd be here With you.

And here we are.

♪ just break My heart open... ♪

Do you, like, actively Search for problems?

I mean, can't you Just enjoy a day?

♪ worry is a wasteland.... ♪

This looks almost As good

As your kombucha.

Well, some of it's better.

♪ let's do it while We're young ♪

♪ young ♪

♪ worry is a wasteland... ♪

There were lines.

There were really long Lines at the food stands.

♪ I don't want To waste this... ♪

♪ worry is a wasteland ♪

I'm almost Enjoying this day.

♪ worry is a wasteland ♪

♪ and I don't want To waste this... ♪

Tyler: make way, savages.

My attorney's coming Through.

Ha ha! Hey.

So I was a little Worried earlier,

But then I realized Life always works out.

Come on. Let's celebrate.

They're gonna Deport you.

What?

No, no, no, no.

I cannot go back To freezehead.

Freezehead?

Is that some kind of Snowy gay thing?

No. It's cold in manitoba. What's wrong with you?

Oh. Ok.

How do we fix this?

The only chance is If you get married

To a woman.

[scoffs]

My parents win again. Marry me?

He's gonna Be deported

If he doesn't Find a wife.

Jocelyn alice: ♪ maybe Tomorrow afternoon... ♪

Amy: so romantic. I've Dreamt about this moment

Since I was a little girl.

But, alas, I'm already Married.

Long story. Not gonna tell it.

Alice: ♪ you, you, you... ♪

What about sam?

She'll back out at The last second.

Jenna?

Man-eater. Megan?

Oh. She's so pure.

Listen, goldilocks, Make a choice.

We've got weeks.

Oh, shit.

Alice: ♪ take your palm And put it on me... ♪

You two know Each other?

We're acquainted.

What do you need?

I need a wife.

Special occasions or An ongoing situation?

To escape immigration.

Free drinks for life? Please say yes.

How long's The marriage?

I need to check The statutes,

But I believe it has To be 3 years

In order to avoid Suspicion.

Sex?

Maybe for Novelty's sake,

On halloween.

Living arrangements?

Well, I practically live At this bar,

So you can hang out At my place

Whenever you like With whomever you like.

I have a ferret.

I have a gerbil.

They'll get along Famously.

Alice: ♪ maybe tomorrow Afternoon... ♪

Draw up The agreement.

If you do this, you're Going to have to know

As much about tyler As possible,

Because immigration will Be making a house visit.

If I do this, I'll know tyler

Better than he Knows himself.

I'll also want

The back of The bar

For the base of My operations.

Ok. Hee hee!

Ha ha. Ok!

[exhales sharply]

[chuckles softly]

See? Everything works Out if you just stick

Your head in the sand Long enough.

[slaps buttocks]

[tyler chuckles]

[knock on door]

Knock knock.

Hey. What's up?

Not much.

Just curious if you Know anyone

At I.N.S.

I want to get An inside track

For tyler's case.

Yeah. I'll look Through my files

And see what I can find.

Something's wrong.

What do you mean?

You don't have that Panther look

In your eye.

Well, even panthers aren't Always on the prowl.

Maybe you want to tell Me about the papers

You shoved into Your crotch.

[heavy sigh]

It's my sister.

She's somehow found a way

To get herself into Trouble again.

I'm sorry to hear that.

It's fine.

Every family has Their black sheep,

And she's ours.

I'll put in a few calls

And get it cut down to 3 months in rehab

And some Community service.

Anything I can do?

Nah. I'm used to it By now.

Well, let me know If I can be of use.

Thanks.

And, jason...

No one else in the office Knows about this, ok?

[southern accent] This here...

Is my lovely Wife penni.

[women chuckle]

Tyler: What? No?

Ugh!

God. If I'm too Flamboyant,

How does anyone Beat

This fucking Green card system?

Ok. You just have To feel the strength

In your posture

Flowing from your toes To your head.

Vertebrae stacking on Top of vertebrae.

In other words if you Can't act straight,

At least stand straight.

Megan: maybe if you Wore khaki pants

That were just Slightly too big

For you, it would Make you look

A little more Dude-ish.

Blair: it's not about What you do or wear.

It's an attitude.

You're making this Too complicated.

Straight is simple.

You're the hunter. You have to provide.

That's what drives you.

Sam: you own your own Business.

And look how well you Take care of all of us.

Blair: and then There's chivalry.

You always put her needs Before yours.

You're strong for her.

You're her knight. You're her rock.

Whatever happens, You'll deal with it.

As long as You're there,

Everything is Going to be ok.

Because that's What a man is.

[women sigh approvingly]

Tyler: you're so hot when You say it like that.

Stay on topic.

Megan: why can't Any of my men

Act like that?

Marry me.

My cock's too big.

You could never Handle it.

Now you're just Rubbing salt In the wound.

It's true.

[sam and jenna chuckle]

Look. A damsel in distress.

Oh... Sam: go!

Um...

Excuse me, ma'am. You dropped something.

Oh, thank you. Oh, here.

Allow me. Please.

Woman: ok.

Oh, look at her.

She's so cute...

In her soft pink.

Woman: Oh, thank you.

I originally thought of Getting it in magenta.

Magenta?! Magenta? Magenta?

Absolutely not. No.

No? Absolutely not.

No magenta. Magenta's Like--oh, my god. Don't.

Stop making me say That word.

That's like, So 10 years ago.

Woman: really?

Yes!

[sirens in distance]

The parlour suite: ♪ I saw you standing ♪

♪ in a record store In new york... ♪

Tell me you weren't Texting megan

From my bedroom.

Seriously? Look, that Was one night that means

More to you than It meant to us, ok?

We were Just having fun.

Eh--you remember Fun, don't you?

Vaguely.

Oh.

Listen, I will hook you Up with anyone else.

Just avoid The holy trinity.

The what?

Megan, jenna, lizzie.

Anyone else is fair game.

Seriously? You literally just

Named your 3 hottest friends.

There's no way That's fair.

[scoffs]

Whatever. It's fine. Dean told me

I should just be Focused--

Whoa. Ignore him. He is an idiot.

He's like midas In reverse.

Everything he touches Turns to shit.

♪ ...Lookin' down The boardwalk... ♪

Be honest, charlie.

You were just using Megan to get over beth.

[sighs]

Uh-huh.

[deep voice] "Uh-huh"?

[regular voice] What?

What, like Hooking up with

Some carpenter is The best way

To get over jason?

He's not a carpenter. No?

And that's not why I Was using him.

Oh, it's not? So why Were you using him?

Look, I'll tell You why.

I'll ignore dean's Advice

If you can go Just one week

Without having some Fill-in boyfriend

On the backburner.

He's not my boyfriend.

Sure he's not.

[telephone rings]

[ring]

Hello.

Hey, jenna.

Sam: I can't. Unfortunately,

I have my presentation Tomorrow.

Yeah. Unfortunately, He's going with me.

No, he hasn't Asked about you.

Why would he? Wait.

Why do you care?

Ok. I'll see you Tonight.

Hey, did you see that H.R. Hired a midget?

So small.

I don't know How you do it.

You're actually more Of a douche every day.

So who was on the phone?

Jenna?

Say anything about me?

So has he talked About me at all?

Forget it. I didn't say it.

Amy stroup: ♪ is it safe now ♪

♪ to put our anchor Down... ♪

Did you just have A stroke or something?

♪ how small is The shore... ♪

Ben: sorry. I still Have a set of keys.

♪ can I lift my head... ♪

Great.

You can just leave Them by the door

On your way out.

Can I talk to you?

No.

I know I'm an ass.

Yeah.

I know I'm every bad Thing under the sun.

Stroup: ♪ is it far away... ♪

But if what we had means Anything to you, then--

It doesn't. Doesn't.

Do your hair.

This isn't gonna Take long.

Stroup: ♪ is it miles away... ♪

I came here because I Have to tell you something.

I've been to The doctor's.

And I'm A sex addict.

[chuckles]

My name is ben, And I'm a sex addict.

Good one. Good one.

Hey, I'm serious.

I'm getting help, but I Can't do this on my own.

No. I'm sure With sex addiction,

You're gonna need A lot of women.

Ben: you know, I fucked up...

A lot.

But I am trying,

I swear to god.

And I will try every day If you'll help me.

You think you Could just drop this

And I'll come running Back to you?

Yeah!

Well, yeah. I hoped.

Stroup: ♪ in this murky sea... ♪

Look, just come To a meeting with me.

♪ stay close Till the dawn... ♪

If you still think I'm full of shit

After that, then I Won't come back.

♪ how far are We from yesterday? ♪

♪ is it far away... ♪

Shit!

You're not actually Thinking about--

One meeting.

That's all I ask.

♪ how far are We from yesterday? ♪

♪ is it miles away? ♪

♪ is it... ♪

♪ oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ oh oh oh oh oh oh... ♪

Sam: still here.

So how was ladies' night Last night?

Did you condemn all Of mankind

Over a slew of xantinis And hook up

With the leftovers At the bar?

Actually, something Much more intriguing

Happened last night.

Really?

Ben showed up At jenna's,

Said he wants Her back.

He said he's A sex addict.

Who saw that one Coming?

How did she react?

Pretty much like You're picturing.

Sam: hmm. Looks like You're off your game,

Which... [clicks tongue]

You'd better get Back on seeing

As our presentation Is in an hour.

Don't start without me.

You heard?

Mm-hmm.

You should Probably go.

You're probably right.

And I probably shouldn't Take off my jacket.

No, you probably Shouldn't.

Mm-mm.

[jacket falls to floor]

[clicks tongue]

And I probably shouldn't Kiss you right now.

I probably shouldn't Take that off.

[chuckles]

You probably shouldn't Take your pants off.

Mm-mm.

[chuckles]

I mean,

I probably shouldn't Kiss on these titties.

[chuckles]

Ooh, man!

I don't think ben Would like me

Holding this ass either.

I thought he was Your best friend.

He is. The best one I have.

[chuckling]

Larson: ♪ oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ oh oh oh ♪

♪ before I go ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you So hot ♪

♪ make you lose Your breath ♪

♪ before I go ♪

♪ I'm gonna kiss you So hard ♪

♪ you'll never forget ♪

♪ oh oh oh ♪

♪ I'll never be ♪

♪ a victim of Your circumstance ♪

♪ this is the last time, Honey ♪

♪ I'm not coming back Again ♪

♪ can't satisfy me... ♪

Definitely A bad idea.

Terrible.

♪ take one last look ♪

♪ this is no longer yours ♪

♪ before I go ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you So hot... ♪

Oh, my god.

Ohh!

♪ before I go ♪

[moaning]

♪ I'm gonna kiss you So soft ♪

♪ that you'll never forget ♪

♪ before I go ♪

♪ I'm gonna kiss you so... ♪

I thought you were In love with him.

Shut up.

♪ oh oh oh ♪

[exhales]

You really have No moral compass.

Ehh, it's more amoral.

[new text Received chime]

Hey.

Dinner?

Are you having Company?

No.

[new text Received chime]

I was just Walking around

Thinking How everyone

In the world is An idiot.

And that brought You here?

Yeah.

Do you have plans?

Mm-mm.

You haven't asked me Why everyone's an idiot.

I figured you'd get to It eventually.

Since when did I become The depraved girls'

Dear abby? You love it.

I do. Is that weird?

I'm crocheting.

Look who I'm asking.

Do you want to help?

Is that "Game of thrones"? My brother watches it.

Is it good?

Yeah.

Full marathon this Weekend if you want in.

The marathon goes All weekend?

Grand ole party: ♪ close your legs ♪

♪ little girl ♪

♪ do not spoil ♪

♪ your right world ♪

♪ oh, try it all ♪

♪ just once for fun ♪

♪ you can quit ♪

♪ while you're still young ♪

♪ still young ♪

♪ still young... ♪

How do you like The feeling

Of being under me?

From what I hear, it's Pretty disappointing.

I saw jason tonight. He seemed confident.

Like he moved on?

I don't know if I've moved on.

Yeah, you do.

Sam: this is gloria.

We are going to make her Our baby tonight.

Megan: so what kind of Guy were you looking for?

Let's see. Maybe A little nerdy

But confident.

What's this?

It's gloria. She's a sex addict.

Gloria: most guys don't Have the stamina

For what's about To happen.