Original subtitles

? It seems today ?

? That all you see ?

? Is violence and movies And sex on TV ?

? But where are those good old-fashioned values ?

[all] ? On which we used to rely? ?

? Lucky there's a family guy ?

? Lucky there's a man who positively can do ?

? All the things that make us ?

? Laugh and cry! ?

? He's a family guy! ?

Mostly Family Guy, though.

[? upbeat music playing]

? Busy city miss can't spare a dime ?

? Can't find a man Doesn't have the time ?

? I like Ford trucks and I think the arcade is groovy ?

? And I like you ?

? And Disney's Hulu's ?

? Family Guy's Hallmark Channel's ?

? Lifetime's Familiar Holiday Movie ?

-[indistinct chatter] -What floor, ma'am?

Important business-lady floor.

Oh, two.

Good morning, Glenn. Morning, Lois.

Here's your protein bar breakfast

to show you're too busy to eat a normal breakfast.

I assume you'll be sleeping at the office tonight?

Affirmative.

Lois, I don't want to speak out of turn,

but when are you gonna slow down?

Find a man or a dog?

Those being the only options

since this is a Hallmark movie.

Well, I have no time for relationships, Glenn.

I'm on the fast track, and I plan to be CEO one day.

Okay, well, I'm gonna stop by the water cooler

to check on the latest gossip.

I heard American greeting is run by Nazi sympathizers.

All right, this is a Hallmark movie.

[Carter] Lois!

Yes, Mr. Pewterschmidt?

What are we gonna do about this?

We're Big Pie!

And yet every year we lose "Best Pie" award

to this tiny podunk pie shop in the middle of nowhere.

What do you have to say about that?

Well, there's hundreds of pie shops,

so all things considered,

second place is pretty darn good.

-It's bad! -I'm sorry, sir.

You're just lucky you're a local hire,

which got us our tax credit to film in Vancouver.

Yep, being Canadian is the best thing "aboot" me.

Pewterschmidt, pack your bags.

I'm sending you to that tiny hick town

to steal the Aunt Maude's pie recipe

so we can put them out of business.

But... But it's Christmas.

You don't care about Christmas.

All you care about is getting ahead.

Well, this is your chance.

Well, my dream is to be CEO.

So okay, I'll do it.

Great. Since we're done with business,

I now have to go sit nude in a sauna with other CEOs.

I'll say the quiet part out loud.

I miss Charlie Rose.

-And Harvey. -And Matt.

And Les Moonves.

-[Les] I'm still here. -Oh, hi, Les!

Well, this stretch of road

looks straight enough for mascara.

-Look out! -Argh!

[tires screeching]

Ugh.

[? festive music playing]

[engine rattling]

Hello? Is anyone here?

[man] Looks like that fancy car of yours is having a little trouble.

Is that one of them Volvo-cedes?

[chuckling] Yeah, it is.

Uh, you think you can fix it?

Well, we'll just have to take a look-see.

Welcome to Townsville. My name is Peter.

You might remember me from the three other Hallmark movies

where we were a couple.

Ooh, you've got working, man hands.

We don't get that in Cityopolis.

Excuse me, Big City Lady?

Why can't white people win Oscars anymore?

Well, now, who's this little guy?

Oh, that's my son, Stewie.

I raised him alone, not because of divorce,

but because his mom died of a sad, tragic disease.

-Hmm. Sounds made up. -It is.

[Bonnie] Peter, who are you talking to?

Oh, no, it's my hot local girlfriend

who was cast to attract a male audience we'll never get.

[? alluring instrumental music playing]

Uh... N-No one, dear.

Just a lady with car trouble.

Not anyone I'm attracted to and I'll masturbate to later.

Well, I'll have you know I was the best-looking girl

in an even smaller town.

I won all of the stupid hot girl awards.

I've been on the cover of Forbes.

It's "Ford",

and I've been on the hood of it, too.

Don't worry, ma'am, I'll get your car fixed

so you can get back to, uh...

What was your town called?

-Cityopolis. -Doesn't ring a bell.

Uh, Cityopolis?

The most famous city in the world?

-Never heard of it. -The world capital of theater,

-ballet and fashion? -Colder.

[sighs]

The epicenter of Deep State,

media-controlling globalists.

Oh, Cityopolis!

[? upbeat music playing]

[knock on door]

Peter, what... What are you doing here?

Hey, Lois, I just wanted to update you on your car.

The part won't be here for three days.

Three days?

Yeah, the part's on a high shelf.

And we only got one ladder in town.

Between the roofers and the apple pickers,

about three days is average.

That's assuming there's no fires, mind you.

You mean I'm stuck here for three days?

Yeah, sorry.

Hey, as long as you're stuck,

why don't I show you around?

It's not the big city, but for me, it's home.

If you give it a chance,

I think you'll find a lot to love in Townsville.

[? gentle music playing]

Okay, sure. [chuckles]

I'd like that.

[? lively festive music playing]

[ice cracks, splashes]

[kids laughing]

You think that's funny?

You think that's funny, mister?

I'll have you know that a little snow

got in the wrist of my sweater.

Now my wrist is wet.

I have to wear a different sweater for a little bit

because I have to hang up this sweater next to the heater at home.

Wool isn't supposed to get wet.

You should know that.

I'm gonna go have a word with your father

who used to haze me with his penis in high school

and is being played by Patrick Duffy

because this is a Hallmark movie.

Good day.

Peter, what a perfect little town you have.

It's... It's so charming.

Yeah, it really is.

Granted, the schools only go up to eighth grade,

and the Ku Klux Klan marches through town every couple of years.

-They do? -Yeah, but most people boo

and only a few take flyers.

But most of all, Townsville is known for

its picture-perfect Christmas pageant.

-Ah! -[alarm blaring]

Ah.

Hey, Aunt Maude's Pies.

Now, didn't you say you knew someone who worked there?

Actually, I kind of know the owner.

They're opening up about now.

-Why don't I introduce you? -[bell chimes]

-[switch clicks] -[gasps]

Peter... you're Aunt Maude's Pies?

Wow.

I gotta take a photo of this with my Samsung Galaxy Tab S9.

[announcer 1] Disney's Hulu's Family Guy's

Hallmark Channel's Lifetime's Familiar Holiday movie

is brought to you by Samsung.

Okay, I'll just put this down now.

-Label out! -Yes, label out.

-I got your email. -Thank you.

Stay tuned for more label-out programming.

[? upbeat music playing]

Peter, I can't believe your Aunt Maude's Pies.

Your pies are so good.

I mean they're city-good.

Peter, you dropped your kid off at school but it's Saturday.

I know, I wanted him to swipe some school supplies.

Did you get that staple remover that looks like a monster?

Ah! Wh- Don't use it on me!

Lois, this is Joe,

and this is Cleveland in a scene that can be cut

without loss of continuity in certain red states.

Guys, Lois is visiting from Cityopolis.

Oh, is she now?

Oh, is she now?

Yeah, he's definitely getting cut.

Nice to meet you all.

Lois, you are in for a treat.

Aunt Maude's pies are the best around.

It'll help take off that big city edge.

And it'll help you take off that big city edge.

You're welcome, Florida panhandle.

Oh, my God, that is so delicious.

W-Where did you get that recipe?

[chuckles nervously] I mean, just as a fan.

Not a corporate spy or anything.

Well, when my beloved wife died...

You divorced her. I don't know why you won't admit it.

...I thought I'd never make another pie.

-But the memory of Patty... -Susan.

-...kept me going. -She lives down the street.

God rest her soul.

They both have a court date tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, my family's been making pies for generations.

That's my grandma in the racist old photos from the '50s.

There she is kicking some Italians out of the shop.

It was her original recipe,

and her secret ingredient was simple. Its-

[on TV] Good morning, Townsville. Tommy Tucker here,

reminding y'all... That's right, "y'all",

this is a Hallmark movie.

...that the Big Townsville Christmas Pageant and Parade is just days away.

It promises to be the highlight of the year

with the tree lighting, Oxycontin cook-off,

and Cousin Kissing Booth.

Oh, crap! Look at the time.

-Wha... What's wrong? -I'm late for pageant practice!

Bonnie and me are singing the big duet!

Fat ass left me here again.

[cell phone ringing, beeps]

So, did you steal the recipe from those hicks yet?

No, I've had some car trouble to deal with.

The people here are actually very nice.

Look, forget about those hillbillies.

You're taking too long.

I'm starting to wonder if you're truly CEO material.

Oh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, I assure you, I am.

Well, I'm tired of waiting.

I want you to steal the Aunt Maude recipe

during the big Christmas pageant.

Everyone in town will be there,

and Peter will be away from the pie shop.

It's the perfect chance to steal that recipe,

put Aunt Maude's out of business,

and bankrupt that whole stupid town.

W-Whole town?

But... But you just wanted the pie recipe.

I changed my mind.

You should too, if you want to be CEO.

Now get that recipe!

Yes, Mr. Pewterschmidt,

Okay, talk tomorrow. Bye.

[grunts]

Oh, damn it.

All right, which button?

-Did I... Did I hang up? -No, you're still on.

Let's see. [sighs]

Well, now the flashlight's on.

Okay, there we go. I hung up.

You... You're still talking to me.

Oh. You know, you sound like that guy in that movie about the taxi driver.

You mean Taxi Driver?

No, the one with Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah.

You mean Taxi?

Yeah, that one. God, I love that movie.

You know a movie is good

when both leads kind of stop acting after.

Bonnie and Peter, thank you so much for having me for dinner.

You have a lovely home.

You can spit anywhere, by the way.

We're not uptight about that kind of stuff.

[spits]

You missed your court date and now I'm an Amber Alert.

The whole class knows. I've been getting texts all morning.

Now we first need to say grace.

Dear Lord, thank you for all that you do,

but please stop sending Grandma to us

in the form of hummingbirds and sunsets.

We're glad she's dead and don't want to see her.

-[wings flapping] -You swing a bat like a girl.

Leave me alone! Somebody give her a cigarette

so she goes away.

I'll see you at Easter.

-[pained wailing] -[all chewing]

What the hell is that?

Oh, that's our meth son.

Meth son?

Yeah, we're real proud of him.

For recovering?

No, he's All-state meth, First meth, Tri-State meth Regionals.

He's got a full ride at Southern Meth.

Chris, come say hi to the company!

How you doing, pal?

My nose fell off and so did this thing.

-Is that your penis? -Yeah.

I got to imagine It'll grow back.

Anyway, keep training.

You got a big meth meet coming up.

He's a good kid.

What about you, Lois? How many kids you blasted out?

Oh, none.

Your uterus busted?

No, I'm just focused on my career.

Oh, yeah, Bonnie and me do it in the career a lot, too.

That's why we ain't got no more kids.

Oh, sweetie.

Lois has a job and a fancy car and big-city clothes.

I don't understand.

You could go anywhere in the world.

Sarasota, Galveston, Branson.

Why here?

Oh, well, I just wanted to take a break

from high-speed Internet.

[Brian barking]

Uhp, the dog smells food.

Damn it, Peter. Don't let him in here.

I hate dogs!

And characters who hate pets

are always the most sympathetic.

Come here, boy. Give me a good country-dog shake.

Good boy. Now go poop everywhere.

You're not coming with me?

Oh, not this time. I got company.

Hey, Lois, I brought a pie especially for you.

I made it for a wedding,

but then I found out it was two grooms, so...

you know, no way...

Lois?

"Have sex with pie guy and steal Aunt Maude recipe."

Why did she skip that first part?

And what?

Peter, what...

What are you doing in my room?

Lois, what's going on?

Are you trying to steal my pie recipe?

No.

[sighs] Yes.

Oh, Peter, I'm so sorry.

So this whole time, our love was fake, like COVID?

-Um, what? -Don't follow me.

I need to go someplace and cough for a while.

Okay, I won't.

I thought I smelled a rat,

but I actually can't smell anything.

I tell you, this has left a real nothing taste in my mouth.

-I think you might have COVID. -Liar!

[? soft music playing]

[Lois] Peter, I can't lie to you.

I work for Big Pie and was sent to steal your recipe.

I didn't know that I would fall in love with you.

I'm so sorry.

-And send. -[phone beeps]

"1G"?

How do you even send a text in this town?

[knocking on door]

May I help you?

I'm here to send your text.

I need your phone.

I'll have it back to you in two hours.

Oh, okay.

[stick thudding]

[grunting]

Damn it, roller bag.

I'm in no mood for your nonsense.

Are you okay?

Oh, I've been better.

Wait, you're Andie MacDowell?

It's Mama Andie MacDowell In this movie.

I used to get lead roles in big movies,

but now just minor parts in these Hallmark movies

because old people remember me.

Of course, I am a big fan.

Unless you're not actually doing the voice because you turned us down.

You look distraught.

Are you okay?

[sighs] Mama MacDowell, I think I just made

the biggest mistake of my life.

I've let my career ambitions drive away

the most wonderful man I've ever met.

But it's always been my dream to be CEO of Big Pie.

It's hard to let that go.

I see the way Peter makes you smile.

You and Peter have something very special: true love.

That's more precious than any job title, and it's worth fighting for.

Oh, Mama MacDowell, you're right.

Peter is the most wonderful man I've ever met.

I can't let him go.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I gotta go deploy a butt torpedo

from the SS Brownfish.

Ah, must have turned us down.

I've got to win back Peter.

Hey, guys, remember that cameraman

who was talking about unionizing this production?

Where did he go?

Hey, miss, You need a lift?

No, I'm sorry, this scene can't be cut.

[indistinct chatter]

Kind of weird we're doing a Christmas pageant

in the shadow of a Civil War memorial.

"Dedicated to the brave men of Townsville

who lost their lives fighting to preserve our traditions."

Traditions? W-What? What are they saying there?

Have you seen Bonnie?

The whole town is here to see us perform our big Christmas duet.

Bonnie called.

She's fallen ill and can't perform.

-[crowd gasps] -What are we gonna do?

That's the highlight of Christmas.

It's where I met my wife.

That's right. I'm married to a woman in the Hallmark universe.

We'll have to cancel the Christmas concert.

The town will be devastated until our Valentine's Day movie.

[Lois] I'll do it,

-Lois. -[indistinct chatter]

No! I never want to see you again.

Okay, Peter. Fair enough.

[? somber instrumental music playing]

Wait.

You don't have to see me if we sing back-to-back.

Then our bums will touch and I'll forget the words.

Well, that's a risk we have to take to save Christmas.

? Oh, the weather outside is frightful ?

[mumbling]

? Delightful... ?

Oh, Peter, you do love me.

Of course I do.

I have since the moment I met you yesterday.

? And since we've no place to go ?

[mumbling]

? Snow... ?

I was looking at your boobs that time.

[both moaning]

[crowd cheering]

Lois, there's something I've wanted to ask you

since the moment we met.

Peter, are... are you serious?

I never thought I could love again

after my wife died.

[Stewie] She's here with me right now.

Yes, she got new glasses, but seriously,

that can't be why you don't recognize her.

Oh, Peter!

[cell phone ringing]

Oh, crap, I gotta take this.

H-Hello?

Girl,

Carter's been fired from Big Pie,

and guess who they want to be CEO?

What? You mean me?

Are you serious?

A hundred thousand dollars a year?

Well, that's a lot of money for people who watch these movies.

[? sorrowful music playing]

I could never stand between you and your dream of a six figure salary.

Five figures, post-tax.

in a shockingly expensive city with high crime.

But I know you'll be a big success

until you're punched in the face

or shoved on a subway track.

What's your take on our new slate of pies?

Market testing was favorable,

so let's fast track it and launch a campaign

hitting digital, print, and TV.

What do you guys think?

-Brilliant move, Lois. -Home run!

Okay, next item.

New pie flavor roll-outs. What do we got?

We got pecan, butterscotch, cherry, meringue,

apple, rhubarb, pumpkin, key lime...

[? sentimental music playing]

I miss you, Lois.

Oh, I miss you too, Peter.

Did you know no two snowflakes are alike?

Yes, everyone knows that.

All right, fine.

Donna, Glenn,

I left my heart in Townsville.

Also, I thought the Mets would be better, but they're just garbage.

[? upbeat music playing]

You go queen!

[screams, groans]

Argh!

Argh...

[groaning continues]

[door opens]

-Lois? -[chair whirring]

[over electronic voice box] Peter, these last few days,

I realized you may be a simple, small-town mechanic

with a small-town job and salary.

But, dot-dot-dot,

some things are more important.

I've decided I'm willing to walk away from glamor

and a high flying career to spend the rest of my life

with my very special, average guy I love named Peter.

Thank you for that.

Um...

It's just... small towns are extremely ADA non-compliant...

being one issue.

It's just... It's just... It's just a lot, is all I'm saying.

[? instrumental "Jingle Bells" playing]

Hello, blue states.

Hallmark said I could show you,

and just you,

a scene I was in that was cut "for time."

I hope you enjoy it.

More that way!

L-Little more.

Boom shizzle!

Oh, that's dope as hell.

I think that looks lovely.

[announcer 2] Hallmark, If we scare any heavy white women,

our whole business collapses.

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