Original subtitles

Hi, Judy. How's Equus going?

It's all right. I have to cast Jayden now.

Are you still going with the whole nudity thing or...

- Absolutely. Oh, yeah. - Jayden will be nude?

Jayden will be nude, yeah.

Have you spoken with his parents?

No, I haven't. No.

- Has Jarred? - Jarred has, yeah.

And they're happy with him being nude?

Oh, I don't know if he mentioned the nudity actually

but they were very happy that he was gonna have a lead.

Ugh, I just find it just so creepy to think of,

you know, a whole bunch of nude students

kinda parading around pretending to be horses, but...

In three days' time, we're gonna have assessors coming to the school,

right, for the ERO report.

- Oh. - So,

we know what happened last time. I don't want that to happen again please.

- Yeah. - I wonder if it's better

if I'm not here on that day, so I might take a mental health day.

- I could relieve. - They'll be wanting

to see your department.

- They'll be wanting to see you. - Yeah, but

like Rudy was just suggesting he could relieve leave.

I don't know. I just already, I'm feeling, you know...

- Not feeling it? - ...stressed.

Okay, so everyone put your hand up if you're feeling

stressed about the ERO report.

What we all need to be aiming for is the ERO guys walk in, right?

- Yeah. - We are a functioning school

with happy students doing well, so we've got to create that,

- okay? - As the drama teacher,

I just feel like we could stage the entire thing.

I don't know if anybody's seen The Handmaid's Tale.

What we could do is just get all the students looking

very neutral and you say things like,

"We've been blessed with good weather."

I am happy to direct it. I can see the whole thing now.

Okay, I have a problem in terms of the quality

of the acting that I've seen,

no offense, in the last three school productions

- is shocking. - I'm highly offended by that.

- Okay, well, I said no offense, so. - Yeah, well,

just because you said no offense,

doesn't mean I'm not gonna take offense to it.

How about this, no offense, you're a total bitch.

- What about that? - I feel nothing.

- Hey, I reckon we do some-- - I'm very hot.

- How about-- - I'm very hot.

Yeah, acting all that stuff's fine.

But you're not gonna get Dixon, Tyrone, some of those kids,

they're not gonna play a game, okay?

So what I'm thinking is I just take them into the sports shed, close the door,

and I just sit down with them man on man, and I just go... I scare them.

I like the bit we take them into the shed.

Yeah.

Because then, then we're not gonna see them.

If you ask me, I reckon they're gonna send someone along

maybe the day before, try and catch us out

just as a, you know, in disguise.

Are you gonna be able to spot them?

Yeah, I reckon. I reckon I've got a good handle on

sniffing out an assessor when I see one.

Hi, there.

- Hello. - I got a package here for a Sheree.

- Yes, that's me. - Is it you?

Here we go. Look at him.

It's the inspector, and he's dressed like a courier.

No, I think he is a courier, Jarred.

You fucking shit yourselves.

Hey... Vinnie.

- Yeah? - The inspector's here, mate.

- Oh, is it? - So what are we doing?

No... I think it's a courier, guys.

Girls' toilets. I'll put them in there now.

No, ball shed. Put them in the ball shed.

Yeah, but we said we're gonna put them in the stinky toilets, get back at them.

No, put the bad kids

- in the ball shed. - Oh, okay then. Alright.

- Sheree Pivac, that's me. - Yeah.

Do you want to see some ID?

- No, it's okay. - Oh, don't sign that.

Don't sign that, Sheree.

- No. This is for me, Jarred. - No, no. It's,

I love it all.

- It's beautiful. - No, no, no, Jarred.

I've ordered this online just last week.

- This isn't real. - No, it's got my name on it.

- Look, Sheree Pivac. - I know, it's good, isn't it?

He's brilliant. Ready for a tour?

No, she's got to sign this.

- No, don't sign that. - It's something private for me, Jarred.

No, no it's not. I know it says "Sheree,"

but that's just all part of the wonderful show.

- You're not Sheree? - I am Sheree Pivac.

- She's not Sheree? - Hey, I'll meet you around the side.

- But could you leave that there please? - You're not Sheree.

I don't want anybody opening it.

- Righto, okay. Quickly. - Why?

- Because I said so. - No. It's dangerous, sir.

Just, quickly.

- Sir, why? - Come on Maria.

- Because... - Mr. Vinnie?

- We've done nothing wrong, sir. - Hurry up.

It stinks, Mr. Vinnie.

- Why are we here? - How is this PE?

- Why are we in here? - Okay, I'll be back in 10 minutes.

- Just sit tight. - No! Sir!

Oh man!

We had to cover those gas pipes in that housing

and, um, oh, Trelise, where are you going?

- To the bathroom. - Oh, okay.

I'll show you the spec block, shall I?

Yep. But this is for Sheree.

So there's the one cabbage tree.

We're gonna plant a few more along here.

Oh, here we go. Got some kids working outside.

They like to work outdoors when it's sunny.

Yeah.

And here they are, all-weather courts.

Missing a net on that one, but we can replace that.

Okay. But can you sign for the package?

Hey, come and have a look at the drama class.

I'll show you the drama class.

- There might be a rehearsal on. - Just sign for the...

Mortal Kombat is heaps better than Tekken.

You're being a dick, Dixon.

So we've just taken all the asbestos out of there,

- so that's good. - Oh, good.

Hey, I'm gonna show you these cricket nets,

because they're my favorite.

I think there's somebody in there.

No, no. It's a drama class.

But that drama class was over there?

We got two drama classes.

You just sign here and then I can...

I can...

I love this.

- This is amazing. - I can...

- I can... - I love that

you just haven't dropped out of character the whole time.

No, no dropping.

Look at the many packages you've got in the car.

- This is my job. - Cobalt blue.

Would you please--

Okay. A temporary courier.

You're an artist. See ya.

Yes, it's on Thursday night. One night only.

- And then I'm fucked. - Four tickets?

Yes, the students will be nude.

Fuck. Are you gonna go?

No. Are you?

I can't. I can't do another one.

- I did Guys and Dolls last year. - Yeah.

That was the worst fucking piece of shit of a show I've seen in my life.

I don't wanna see a bunch of kids

parading around nude on stage, do you know what I mean?

Jayden?

Maria?

I already hate Jayden as it is, that's just gonna put me over the line

- with that kid. - Don't go.

And you gotta pay for it.

It's $17.50, that's what she's charging.

- $17.50? - That's more than a ticket

- at the movies. - It was $15.50 last year

and that production was shit.

A poo was found in the long jump pit.

Does anyone know anything about that?

Just a dog poo?

No, it's a human poo.

How do you know it's a human poo?

You can just tell.

It was in the long jump pit,

you can't see it until you've stood in it.

- Oh, - Because they've covered it

in the sand like a cat.

Well, it's a mystery, isn't it? I mean, who would do that?

Yeah. Well, I got a theory actually.

That could have been from someone running, 'cause it's quite,

it takes a lot out of you and if you land with such force,

you could completely shit yourself.

As far as I could tell,

someone had squatted and done a fairly neat poo.

Wasn't too wet.

Where's the poo now?

The poo's in a plastic bag in the fridge.

- What? - What fridge?

- In our fridge? - In our fridge.

Why is the poo in the fridge?

To keep it fresh? I don't know.

I just thought it'd be a good idea just to see if we've got the evidence.

That's the best evidence of someone doing a poo is the poo itself.

And when we do find them, how are we gonna shame them?

I'm not gonna condone shaming,

because you know what happens when you shame a student?

They all start lining up at my office

for guidance counseling and I've gotta really full workload.

I can't give you an answer about that right now.

Yep. Nope.

We'll send a notice. Okay, thank you.

For fuck's sake. Sorry about that.

So...

Robert?

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Okay. I'll just tick that off.

So where do you see yourself in 10 years?

I'll be 56. So I'll be closer to retirement.

Right. Okay.

Okay.

Ever heard of wolves communication?

- No. No I haven't. - Okay.

That's what we can spend the session on.

All right. So wolves communication, so all wolves communicate differently.

We'd look at body language, there's kind of the mystery in here.

You know how wolfs scare bears away.

We probably won't get to that in this session.

Okay. What kind of wolf would you consider yourself?

- What are my options? - Well, you've got the red,

you've got the brown, you've got the gray wolf.

- The arctic wolf. - Arctic.

No, no, no. I mean, in my opinion, looking at you I'd say gray wolf.

Okay. So gray wolf.

Let me explain a little is just kind of your stock standard wolf.

You know, it just kind of turns up and is just like-- like,

bleh, like, you know,

here I am and I'm a wolf but that's pretty much it.

No ideas, no ingenuity, no kind of future focus,

like a household wolf.

Hello, Robyn Duffy.

Uh, sorry.

Yeah, I understand you're upset. No, I will sort that out.

I will call you back. Thank you.

For fuck's sake. Okay, I'm gonna

need to just pop out for a minute. Can you catch a ball?

- Yeah. - Okay. Do it now.

Catch, catch. I want you to read the little phrases.

Throw the ball up in the air,

answer the phrase before you catch it. You got it?

- Okay. - Great session. Thank you.

Fuck, I can't do it.

No, I looked at all morning interval

and it's just too hard to tell with their clothes on.

I am sorry to interrupt Jarred, but I am being bombarded

by upset parents about the school production.

- Why? - Because of the nudity aspect, Jarred.

No, they're not nude on stage. They're just a metaphor for...

No, no, no, Jared. It's not a metaphor.

It's not a metaphor at all.

I just thought she was joking about the

- the nudity - No, Jarred.

No, no, no. Jarred. They're gonna be nude up on stage.

Parents are going ape shit about it.

We can't have that.

Opening night tomorrow night.

Right, let's go!

Okay, everybody feeling good about everything?

- Yeah? - Kind of.

Yeah. Jayden, you're all right with everything, aren't you darling?

You're doing great. You're all gonna be absolutely fabulous.

You're gonna be great.

Sorry. I'm just having a bit of a odor problem

and I was just, so there's no way

- of a paper G-string? - No, I just think

a paper G-string's just gonna show under the lights

and probably just irritate you further.

So how about tonight you go home,

just draw yourself a bath and have a long soak, yeah?

And a bit of a douche darling, okay? And just shave anything.

All right, you're doing fabulous.

- See you later. - See ya.

Oh, what's this?

- Hey Judy. - Feels very confrontational

- all of a sudden. - No it's not, no.

I'm just, sorry. I'm just relieving Vinnie

- in this confrontation. - It's Ruben.

It's a confrontation we're having?

No, we're having a lighthearted,

- casual chat. - I should have actually

addressed this a couple of weeks ago,

but are the kids actually gonna be nude in the show?

Yes. I was very clear about that.

Okay. Well I've had parents complaining.

It's opening night tomorrow night, okay?

- What do you expect me to do? - I expect you to come up

- with a solution. - Okay, fine.

What about this is a solution,

in the nude scenes I just bring the lights down very low

so you just get a hint of a bum.

Yeah, you just get a whiff of a penis.

What about that? You just get a...

So is it like a radio play?

Like you can't see anything, you can only hear like the clip clop,

- clippity clop. - And maybe a slap or two,

maybe a bit of flesh on flesh,

but you probably won't see much, all right?

- That's it. - Yeah, I'm happy.

I reckon Vinnie would be happy with that.

Vinnie's happy with it.

- Alright, so... - All good.

Yeah, well this sort of five-pronged attack,

could have been a better way we could've done that,

- just my thought. - Probably should have thought about that.

- See you tomorrow night. - Unbelievable.

Morning, Sheree.

Jarred, there's some angry parents in your office.

Is there?

Yes. They've got a bee in their bonnet about something.

- How angry? - Fucking angry.

Well, I might just go and work from home, to be honest.

No, you can't do that.

You've gotta go in there and see them, they're mad.

All right. Okay, okay.

Judy's been paged, she'll meet you in there.

It's very, very intimate. It's very low lighting.

You can hardly tell.

I'm sorry. I don't know the play. Is it part of the play?

Ah, yes. It's a very, very integral part, the nudity.

It sounds all very artistic and things, but why choose it for a high school?

It seems ridiculous.

Oh, well, look, I mean, here's an example.

Daniel Radcliffe did Equus naked, yeah?

And then he went straight on to Harry Potter.

I think he did Harry Potter first.

You know, sometimes you, you've gotta get naked

- to get where you wanna go, okay? - That's exactly right.

Do you have any control over who's coming to see this?

I mean, could anyone just walk in and watch these--

- That's a good point. - I'm sorry

just to reiterate this, naked children on stage.

We hadn't actually thought

- about who... - Listen, the show is tonight

and you haven't thought about these things,

and the children are naked and we haven't heard about it

- till now. - All right, all right,

all right, all right. Okay, okay, okay. Okay.

- Well, no it's not all right or okay. - Look, no I might have a solution.

When I was in Europe studying theater,

there was a beautiful theater company called D'ecole T'allage

and they did Equus with body suits.

Now how would you feel about the students wearing

flesh colored nude suits?

So we lost all the data from last semester,

but we've just kind of approximated the numbers, so.

Oh, hey. You'd be pleased to know that the tour

with the ERO inspector went very well yesterday.

With the courier driver?

No, he was an ERO inspector.

They turn up in character nowadays.

- Well, there was a courier van, so... - Yeah, it's kind of perfect,

- don't you think? - Jarred?

Sorry I couldn't help overhear you talking about the courier driver.

- Yeah, the ERO inspector. - No, he wasn't--

Sorry, I've got stuff to do.

- Okay. - No, no, no, no. He was a courier driver.

- No, he was in character. - No, I was on the phone all afternoon.

I had a personal care item that I admit I had delivered to the school.

What was it?

Just something personal that I needed.

Anyway, I've just been on the phone to the ERO inspectors now.

They're on their way.

Oh, the real ones? Yes.

How can I help you?

We just wanted to drop off some material

for you to peruse over.

What's this?

Oh, no, no, no. You're God botherers.

We don't want this kind of thing here.

On your bikes, go on.

- Jarred Needham. - Hello.

- Principal. - No, no, Jarred.

- Jarred. How are you? - Very nice to meet you.

- Just taking them away, Jarred. - I'll take over here, Sheree.

I know who these gentlemen are. Very nice to have you here.

- Thank you. - Now, I'll take you through

and introduce you to the kids.

Wonderful.

- Fantastic. - Fabulous. Thank you so much.

- Thank you. - Okay, we'll pop through

- and I'll meet you on the other side. - Okay.

Jarred, what are you doing?

- What? - They're God botherers.

- I sent them away before. - No they're not.

It's alright, I got this covered, okay? Leave it to me.

- It smells like ass! - Mr. Vinnie you left us in here

- for an hour. - Man, just listen.

Listen.

I just wanted to call the snap assembly to introduce to you a couple of gentlemen,

pretty impressive gentlemen in the world of education

and from the ministry,

Mr. Wesley and Mr. Duncroft.

So give them a hand.

Thank you. Kia ora.

Young minds.

We're here because we wanna talk about...

Control Tower.

Who is in control?

Anyone?

Our parents?

It starts with the letter G.

Is it the government?

- Not quite right. - Quite wrong.

When I was very young...

What the fuck is going on?

- I don't think they're ERO. - ...I was very lost.

I turned to pot.

I smoked a lot of that pot.

These are not the ERO guys. These are Bible guys.

For many a year I would roll a 12 paper of a morning.

- Jarred! - Crazy, crazy, crazy days.

But now my days are even crazier...

Mm-hmm.

'cause I'm in control!

- Jarred! - And I'm being controlled.

- Amen. - Amen.

♪ Amen ♪

♪ Amen ♪

♪ Amen ♪

♪ Amen ♪

Witches have established an unchallenged role

in the community.

Sorry guys, made a bit of a boo boo.

Is that a Bible?

- It is, isn't it? - It is, yes.

Okay, sorry. Sorry, everybody.

Just, off the stage please.

I'll take you. Just...

So we're gonna be having a shorter assembly today, okay?

So can everybody head back to class quietly please?

I wanna know a little bit more about those ministry men

that were up on stage when we arrived.

Me too.

Well, presumably you allowed them

- into the school. - Yes, that was my fault.

I misunderstood the situation.

I thought they were you guys

'cause you both came at the same time.

Can you put that down

'cause it is feeling a little bit like a pitchfork.

- I would like you to put that down. - And we have been accused

of being witches multiple times since arriving.

I apologize for that as well.

- Should we go and... - Yes, we should.

I'll just get Robyn. She can come with us.

That's a great idea.

Well, that's the other school. That's the evil school.

Those kids come--

They're not evil. It's just our neighboring school.

- See all this grass here? - Yes.

It's all been relaid.

Relaid that after the sewerage spill

- so I think it looks good. - Sewerage spill?

Yeah. And we've also painted all the downpipes here,

which have been painted. So that's quite nice.

I wanna show you the courts.

It's not often this windy as well.

Have you any plans on doing anything about

the unevenness of the pavement? See I'm getting...

- It's a very bad safety issue. - We could fill it in.

Are you fucking taking the piss, mate?

Is that where you, are you taking the piss? Get up!

- Fucking hell! I honestly... - What's going on here?

You've gotta get involved at some stage mate.

That's our PE instructor, Vinnie.

Is that what we get into?

Because that's what's gonna happen, mate.

Is that what you want?

- Vinnie? - Yeah, yeah.

Come over here please.

It's Vinnie, our PE instructor.

I can hear that.

So these are the assessors. The ERO inspectors.

No, they are the assessors.

- Right, right. - It's not funny.

No, no, no, no. Oh, you guys got another sermon

you're gonna throw our way at some stage?

No, these are the actual inspectors.

What was your name again?

- Vinnie. - Vinnie.

Sorry. He's from Australia.

He's aggressive, but he gets results.

It's just a culture thing.

Hey, we've got to Jayden 'cause he is not pulling

his weight. I didn't really appreciate

getting locked in the shed.

- I'm sorry? - What?

- Locked in the shed? - I felt like I was in jail.

Get to class!

Honestly, this is what I'm talking about.

As I said, Vinnie is Australian.

It's a cultural thing.

You know, the content of the religious sermon that we heard this morning

is very worrying.

- Oh, well I'm not worried about it. - Yeah, well, I-- I--

Speaking for me and on behalf of the senior staff,

we are concerned about it.

Yeah. when I say I'm not worried, I mean obviously I'm worried about it.

What Jarred often does is he says one thing,

but what he means is the opposite.

And we find that that's a form of communication that really works here.

Yeah, because it doesn't work. Actually, what I just said then

- was that it does work. - It means it works.

Robyn knows what I mean.

I think it's sometimes best

just to stop talking altogether and move along.

I look forward to reading this when we get home.

- Enjoy that. - Yeah, thanks very much.

- Okay. - Well it was fantastic to host you today.

- Well, we'll be in touch, won't we? - Thank you very much.

Thanks for your time. Thank you.

Well, it could have been worse.

- You can't smoke in here, eh? - I'm not gonna smoke in here.

I'm waiting until, I'm trying to get this shit done

and then I'm gonna go outside and smoke.

Lower the document feeder. What does that even mean?

- Okay, calm down. - Is it broken?

Yes, well, I don't know because--

Hey, did you hear the good news about the show?

What? It's been canceled?

- No. - We don't have to go tonight?

No, I just heard that with all the kerfuffle

about the kids being naked...

- Mm. - Oh, yeah.

...now they're wearing nude suits.

- Oh, you're kidding? - I don't even know what a nude suit is.

I think it's just a suit to go over your nudity

that makes you still look nude, but you're actually not nude.

Who's making those?

Have you guys heard the news about the show?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're wearing nude suits.

Yeah. The thing I don't know about is if it's a breast,

does is it cup the breast or is there a fake breast

on top of the breast?

But aren't the kids playing horses?

- Yeah. - But how long are these dicks gonna be?

Oh, I can't wait to fucking see them.

I've done it! I've done it!

By the skin of my teeth, I've done it! I've made your nude suits.

Maia, darling, that's your one. Isn't that gorgeous?

And then of course we've got Georgina.

That's for you, sweetheart.

And there's gonna be no dressing on that.

- It's just like this? - Yeah, so that's it. It's not a salad.

Oh, now, Maria, sweetheart, this is yours with the beautiful landing strip there

- and I just feel like you-- - Oh, my God, I love it so much.

Mrs. Mokopouwhare, how did you know?

Guys this is exactly what I wanna be like when I'm older.

It has a landing strip.

Michelle Rodriguez has a landing strip.

Fabulous. And this one is yours, Destiny, obviously.

So, there you go.

That's not my skin tone.

Oh, well, look, it's as close as I could get

at such short notice, darling.

And look at this bush, fabulous. I mean, that's a lot to play with

- as an actor. - That's not like mine though.

Well, it might be one day, all right? Okay.

And Jayden, isn't this gorgeous?

And look at these tufts, look, just like you're head of hair, isn't it?

But down there. Okay.

And Rory, finally, you are gonna be gender neutral.

So you've got this top and then you've just got tights.

Why do I have to be gender neutral?

Well, because I feel it's important

that we represent the entire spectrum of genders.

So you are non-binary, okay?

Do your nipples line up? My don't.

♪ Educators, are you ready ♪

♪ We are the teachers And we're proud to shout it ♪

♪ We're rough, we're tough We're powder puffs ♪

♪ So come on, educators, do your stuff ♪

Then you spell it. E-D-U-C.

And then you spell it out.