Original subtitles

- Here's your shopping, Ms. Pivac. - Oh, thanks, darling.

Where are the mallowpuffs?

Ate them.

Oh, hi, Rudy. How can I help?

I was just wondering if you needed a reliever today.

Um, no, no.

You would've been called by the coordinator if you'd been needed.

Oh, I'm sure some work will come in soon.

I hit a cat on the way in this morning.

Oh, no! Whereabouts?

Oh, on its head and shoulders.

No, I mean, whereabouts were you?

Oh, just around the block from where I live.

- Oh. - Where my unit is.

What did it look like?

It was kind of like...

No, no, no, no. I mean the coloring.

Oh, it was Tonkinese.

- Ah, yeah. They're lovely breed. Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

- They're a lovely breed, aren't they? - Lovely, yes. Mm.

Do you think I could just use the hose?

Yes.

School hose? Okay.

Bye.

Couple of things on the agenda this morning.

Who's gonna coach the girls' soccer team?

I can't do that. I'm busy.

I'll put my hand up for that. Glad to help out.

I think it would be great if it was a female influence for the young girls.

- Oh, brilliant. - Yeah, I agree.

So Judy's offering, obviously, since she's sticking her hand up.

I'm sorry, I'm full tit this term.

I will give you a word of warning,

if you are gonna coach the girls, be wary of the old girls.

Just be prepared for a lot of text messages coming your way.

I think that obviously needs someone with a level

of maturity to deal with the moms, you know?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And a lot of the moms, there's not...

There's no dad in the home, so I could be a good father figure.

Well, you're not their dad though, are you?

So I'd just stick to the sport.

Ah, we're here to talk about sexual education.

Yeah. I've got a penis here on my left.

Just a little bit of pubic hair and a couple of testicles

and a lovely, just a, yeah...

Beautiful little vagina here with some labia and a vulva.

- Just so you can have-- - Do you want me to pass that over?

- Oh, I can do that for you. - Oh, I can...

Would you like to have a look at the vagina?

Yeah.

You just take that really gently.

Just like a beautiful flower, okay.

The vagina was knitted by my mom based on my mom's vagina.

So this is what it feels like, like...

- Yes. - Yeah.

Well, it's, that is woolen, but you get the sense

- of the shape and the size. - Do you wanna have a go?

And that's based on my dad's penis.

- Yeah. - Different body types,

different sizes.

I just noticed that this has quite a few pubes,

and I was just wondering at what age is it normal

to really like develop that pubic hair?

Yeah. Yeah, really good question.

Yep, sort of case by case, I think.

- Eh, Benj? - It is, exactly.

- Case by case. - Yeah, I know.

I sort of had probably three or four pubes by about nine.

- Okay. - Nine or 10,

and then full bush, full bush by 13.

Yeah. But I know Benj had a different sort

- of scenario. - My situation was

- a lot different. - Yeah.

I didn't get pubes till probably about 18.

During the time of my high school,

I was completely bald down there.

Ah, you.

Hey. G'day, mate.

I'll go after you, eh?

You coaching the soccer girls?

Put your hand up pretty quick for that job, didn't you?

- Yeah. - What are you trying

- to get out of it? - What?

What are you trying to get out of it?

Just coaching the girls.

Okay. What are you trying to get out of it?

Ah, you know. Single and mingle.

Yeah. You're trying to bang the moms?

Yeah.

Just watch it. A lot of 'em are married.

Oh.

And a lot of 'em hate their husbands.

So, it's not just the solo moms. Some of the married moms are--

- It's only the married moms. - What?

The solo moms don't wanna bar of ya.

Yeah, so Benj, I think it's probably time

to talk about condoms and contraception and--

Oh, hold on a minute.

Yes. This is a penis.

- It's just rubber. - Just like you.

- Just like me. - It's just rubber.

- What are you gonna do with that? - Just distinctly how to put on a condom.

I mean, how far do you go with all this?

- What's your name? - Oh, Robert.

Robert. So you're a teacher here, are you?

No, I'm one of the students.

He's one of our adult learners.

- Oh, choice. - He's also Maia's dad.

Maia. So, which, who's Maia?

This is Maia.

Hey Maia, how are you going here, hon?

- It's fine. - Yeah, you're cool?

Maia, if you have any questions, why don't you pop up here,

ask me and I'll put them out there anonymously.

I don't have any questions.

This is a safe environment. I want to reiterate that.

- Yeah. - And so we've created

a safe word, so if you're feeling uncomfortable,

you use the safety word and penises, vaginas down,

and we can start talking about that issue.

- And that word is... - Magpie's nest.

- Magpie's nest. - Magpie's nest.

Yep.

So I'm just using the safe word now because what is this?

Is this some sort of blow by blow instructional thing

where you're teaching the kids how to go out and start fucking?

Is this what's going on here?

- Yeah. - No, I just need to know.

Hey, Robbie, bro, this is for us, bro.

- It's not anything. - Yeah, ah.

Ah, I don't have any problem with you, Dixon.

Okay? As long as your dicks not in my daughter, alright?

- Bro. - Whoa, whoa!

Hey, Robert. Hey, Robert.

Hey, magpie's nest.

Does he even need to be here.

He has to be, Destiny. He's enrolled through the school.

I'll tell you what, let's just rectify the situation.

We can take this away.

- Sorry. It doesn't actually-- - I'll do it, Benj. Here.

It's suction.

You've got to grab it by the balls.

- Get under the ball-- That's it. - Ah, nice.

So, we're getting rid of the penis, okay?

Hi, Peter. This is the fifth message I've left for you.

Don't be a fuckwit. Try to resist it.

I know it's hard for you.

You wanted to fix, I wanted to float,

and now we're not making the payments.

Not my problem, okay? Call me back.

Don't be a fuckwit. Ciao.

We have here, this person's name is called Manny.

Yep, and this is Sammy.

- G'day, guys. Hey. - Hey.

- Hello. - Robyn Duffy.

Yeah. Hi, kia ora.

Guidance Counselor and Careers Advisor here.

So I'll just be sitting in, you know, this tricky territory.

You know, puberty and all that.

Oh, and Bean, have you got a question, have you?

Yeah, my jaw doesn't open that wide.

Is that gonna be a problem?

Uh, sometimes.

I don't think it's actually a problem. This is just purely illustrative.

Whatever your jaw can do is perfect, okay?

Yeah, right.

She's talking about a gobby, I guess?

Just wondering about gobbies.

- Have you covered gobbies? - Not yet.

- No, no. - Not yet.

And for those of you who may or may not

know what Robyn's meaning when she says gobby,

she's talking about oral sex between a man and a woman.

Okay, let's start off with a traditional scenario

where the man and woman are at home in a familiar environment.

Oh, it's been such a long day.

I just want to kick my feet off and sit down

- and watch some sports. - Rory, have you got a question, please?

The mouth isn't moving while he is talking.

Good boy.

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

He's got an eye for it. He's got an eye for puppetry, yeah.

- Yeah, his mom was a puppeteer, so. - That's amazing.

Let's just run through the scenario.

Oh, hi honey. Oh, it's been such a long day.

Oh really? I just wanna kick my feet

up and watch some sports.

- Ah, huh. Really? - Yes.

Okay.

That's kind of not quite what I want.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Can you move, 'cause I can't see the TV.

Ah, sure. I'll move.

Ah, get off me!

So which one's the goodie? Which one's the baddie?

Yeah. I'm gonna invite you just to sort of just get rid

of words like goodie and baddie.

I mean, I don't wanna get home from a hard day's work.

Now, I don't have a husband anymore 'cause Peter left,

but I don't wanna get home from a hard day's work

and like, be wanting to have a root,

and then like, "Oh no, I wanna watch TV."

Well, we're talking about consent here, Robyn.

So did he ask consent to watch TV?

So we'll move on now, I think, to a more consented situation.

So I've got Jenny here.

And this, for this illustration, will be Margo, so not a man.

This will be a woman.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Ah, it's been such a long day and I just need a hug.

Oh, babe. Come on, bring it in.

- Thank you. - Aw.

- And a kiss. - Love you, babe.

- Aw. - Ooh, ah.

Ooh, ah.

Yeah.

Okay, sorry. Just to interrupt. It just feels to me like you're kind

- of pushing your own agenda - Okay.

Of like, "Hey, ladies out there." Hey.

I can see a lot of you, kind of... You know, "I've got your attention."

- I find that offensive. - Just let them make their own decisions.

- I find that offensive, Robyn. - I find it offensive,

- as well. - So I'm just gonna need you

- to slow down. - Okay, guys!

Maia. Maia. Look, I'm so fuckin' sorry

about what I said about Dixon's dick in ya.

It was a mistake. Can you forgive me?

- Yeah, it's fine. - Please.

- It's fine. - Really?

- Yeah. - I'm sorry.

Just like shut up in class or something.

I'll say less.

I promise. You won't even know I'm there.

So, are ya?

Am I what?

You know.

What?

- Sexually active. - Dad!

- Well, are you? You can tell me. - Oh my God!

You can tell me. I'm your father.

- You tell your mom anything. - I don't...

- Oh my God! - I was sexually active

- when I was your age. - Oh my God!

Maia, it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

- Leave me alone! - There's nothing wrong with it.

- It's perfectly normal. - I'm gonna check on her.

- I'm gonna go. - Yeah, yeah.

Go on and have a word with her. God.

It's okay, Maia.

Is she okay?

I'm sorry.

- Leave me alone! - I know. I've done it again.

I'm sorry.

So it was during

- the puppet routine that... - Yeah.

...things tarted to get out of hand.

We were performing a lovely dance of cunnilingus.

It's an emotional dance, not only for the puppets, but also for us.

And I just found it utterly disrespectful

how someone like this would disrespect Margot and Jenny.

Let's not forget they are puppets.

- You are a weirdo puppeteer. - Excuse me, I--

I think what's happening here is just that we're all getting a bit heated.

And I think what actually we could all benefit from

is if the three of you have a nice, calm,

quiet session together, go through the issues.

- I won't be part of that, and-- - I've got to go back to class, as well.

Yeah, we'll go back to class.

Okay, um...

Is this... Is this how you're gonna be?

What do you mean?

Is this what you're gonna give us?

I can give you whatever you want. What do you want?

We just need you to be open and present with us, yeah?

Okay.

Yeah. Hey, Robyn, you okay?

- Yeah. Okay. - Yeah? Okay.

Just got a friend here. This is Peter.

My ex?

Yeah. Just talk to Peter.

- Tell him how you feel. - Mm.

Is this the thing that you want to do? Is this the thing?

- Yeah. - Uh-huh.

Hey, Peter.

Hey.

- You've offended me. - Mm-hmm.

I find you rude.

I used to think you were a fuckwit when I was married to you,

but now I actually think of you as kind of,

I guess like a cold, ruthless killer,

a killer of like emotions, but--

- Yeah. Try I feel. - I feel...

I kind of feel like, you know, like if life was a road, like, you know,

like you've gone off to some like great like Fiji getaway,

and I'm just like in that God fuckin' awful apartment.

You know, my road's like, not even tar sealed anymore.

- Mm-hmm. - There's like all this like...

- Gravel. - Gravel and shit.

You know, like the rocks.

- The volcanic rock stuff. - Rocks, yeah.

And you know, Peter, if you could just like return one of

the many, many calls I have made to you,

I would really appreciate that, you fuckwit.

- Big stuff. - How does it feel?

Oh, you know. I just feel like I've just, yeah...

Wasted the last 12 minutes talking to a stupid puppet, but it's cool.

Okay.

♪ Baa, bee, baa, bee, baa, bee, baa ♪

Robyn, how are you?

- Not great. How are you? - Oh, what's up?

Oh, I just had one of those days, you know?

Shitter of a day.

Take a nip of that. Go on, go on.

- Are you sure? Thank you. - Yeah, go on.

Gets me through.

- You know. Just a... - What is it?

Whiskey.

- Mm. - Ooh.

- I like this. - Yeah, go on.

Good mouthwash, as well.

Yeah, exactly. So what's been troublin' ya?

Just been sitting in an office,

looking at fuckwit little puppets

trying to teach me about sex.

I mean, what do I not know about sex?

- Do you know what I mean? - Yeah.

Rachel's staring at us from behind the bookshelf.

Oh, hi.

- Oh, ooh. Hey. - Hey.

- Hey. - Didn't know you were there.

- Neither. Hi. - Hi.

I was just, for a student, wondering about the word

that you used earlier in that class.

- The P word? - Penis.

- Penis. - No.

- Pussy. - No.

- Pen... - Penetrative.

Yeah. You know what bits have to go because--

Yeah, when people talk about penetration...

- Yeah. - ...normally they're referring

to say a penis entering a vagina or maybe a penis entering an anus or--

What about fingers?

Oh, yeah. You can have digital penetration, yeah.

What about fingers sort of like around...

- Your face? - Yeah.

That's a massage.

That would be like a facial massage.

To be perfectly honest guys, I haven't actually had sex.

- How old are you? - 30.

- 30! - Wow!

That's illegal.

What age does it become illegal, 'cause I know it starts at 16?

Is there a window?

Have you got someone you can do it with?

Maybe my fiance. I could do it with my fiance.

Please tell me he has done it. How old is he?

He's 29.

Has he done it?

We haven't had that conversation yet.

Unbelievable.

I just don't want to be a virgin forever.

You don't have to be a virgin forever.

You have to ask for what you want.

- Yeah. - Okay?

I'm gonna ask you for something. Okay?

- Yeah. - I need you to move out of the space

because I'm gonna move around here, and I'm gonna do my photocopying, okay?

I don't want you just standing so close to me.

Yeah. You don't wanna catch virgin.

- No. - I'm just kidding.

- You can't catch it. - I can't.

Get around me. Get around me. Get around me. Through me.

Yep. Hustle girls.

Round me. Get around me. Get around me. Get around me.

Alright. Good work girls.

Bring the balls over here and the cones.

I think we might have a chance this weekend.

Just grab your stuff and I'll see you Thursday...

- Afternoon. - Afternoon.

Cheers, girls. See you Thursday.

- Thank you. - Thanks, coach.

One at a time, yep. No worries. Thank you.

- 4:30 next Thursday, right? - Well game starts 4:30.

- Yeah? - So four o'clockish.

- I'll bring oranges. - Yeah, or baking.

- Baking would be lovely. - Sure.

Lovely. See ya.

Bye-Bye. Oh!

- If we could just - Hey, I just...

- Hi. - Georgie's really good,

- really talented. - Oh, good!

Yeah. Yeah. Obviously takes after you, very athletic.

Oh, I don't know about that.

You nearly ready, babes?

And does your husband ever come to practise?

No. No, no, no. He works overseas a lot.

Oh. Does that get lonely?

No, not really.

- No. Alright. - No.

- Yeah. - Got your stuff, hon?

I can't find my drink bottle.

Ah, I think it's over that way.

- Oh. - Yeah, yeah.

Just whiz over and grab it, hon. Yeah. We'll get going.

Do you wanna grab a drink?

Oh, I've got one in the car. Thanks.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Alright.

- Yeah. You ready, hon? - But if you,

if you ever want a drink, then... yeah.

- Oh, yeah. Thank you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, yeah. Alright.

See ya.

John. Hey!

Hey!

How was soccer practise?

It was great. I did that triangle thing you were talking about

- so I created the space - No, no, no, no, no.

- Touch pass. - I don't care about that shit.

The moms, how did you go

with the moms? Did you get a bit of a flirt going?

Yeah, yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah? - They were loving it.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Get one back.

Couple of drinkie-poos?

Yes.

Yeah? Which fuckin' one?

Which one? Um, Sarah.

Did you bang her?

- Of course. - Yes!

Yeah.

- So did you get some photos? - Of?

Sarah.

Ah, yeah.

Please send them to me 'cause I need that shit, so.

- I think. Yep. - Send 'em?

- Of course. - I've got PE, something to do.

Send them to me. I wanna have a squiz.

- Mkay. - See ya, mate.

Attention.

Could Karen Clockworthy please come to reception?

Karen Clockworthy to reception immediately.

My name is Mr. Beard, and I'm your relief teacher for today.

Yes?

Where's Ms. Sullivan?

Ms. Sullivan is sick.

- Yes? - What is she sick with?

She has...

She's having, uh, a hysterectomy.

- Yes. - Do you know how long she'll be away for?

It's quite an ordeal. It takes six weeks to fully heal.

Yes.

So are you gonna be our relief teacher for the whole time?

It's questionable. This is kind of a trial.

- Okay. - I'm being tested.

- Yes. - How long have you been teaching?

For a good part of the year. Okay.

So you're not a teacher?

I am a teacher. I'm a relief teacher.

- What? - Have you gone through university?

- What's your name again? - Do you have your teacher's license?

Thank you. I'm Mr. Beard.

Sir, that's a smart board.

- What's a smart board? - It links up to the computer.

- You're damaging the board, sir. - Will it come off?

- No. - No, it's stained.

No, I put the money in your account on Wednesday afternoon.

I have paperwork to prove it, Peter.

Yeah. It's a, no. That means putting it in Monday night,

because it's probably going to take some time to go through.

Ah, no, you're the fuckin' asshole. Okay, I need to go.

I'm actually working. Okay, goodbye.

- Everything all good, Ms. Duffy? - Couldn't be better.

Okay.

I have been told you're doing a lot better in maths,

a lot better in science, so there's a result.

- Yeah. - And how are you feeling?

To be honest, I'm really sad that you took me out of drama.

That lost feeling is still there.

Okay. So let's get rid of that, okay?

And I'd like to get rid of that by talking about body language.

Okay, so you are sitting with your legs up,

your knees towards your chest,

and your arms kind of hugging your knees, okay?

Have I talked to you before about wolves communication?

- No. - Okay. Well this is gonna help.

So, wolves.

Now wolves use body language a lot,

especially when they're, when they're kind of under attack, alright?

So there are two sorts of wolves.

I would say that you are probably, just looking at you,

I'd say you're probably a gray wolf.

I'd say you're probably

- on the run. - What about the arctic wolf?

- Yeah, no. You're not an arctic wolf. - The arctic wolf

is my favorite wolf.

Is it? Okay, the thing is, you're a gray wolf.

You want to be an arctic wolf.

- I do. - The fact is,

and I know it's sad, you're not.

You're not an arctic wolf. You'll never be an arctic wolf.

There's nothing arctic wolfish about you, okay?

Hey!

Vinster!

Hey, you never sent me those...

You never sent me those photos.

- What photos? - You fuckin'...

What photos? The fuckin' soccer mom.

Send me the photos.

Yeah, those. Well, they were...

It's like Snapchat. It just disappears.

No, they weren't. Send 'em to me.

Nah, I think I...

I think something... I got a virus on my phone.

Why you acting like such a soft puss all of a sudden?

'Cause you'll send them to everybody else.

I won't send send 'em. I won't.

I'll just have 'em for me.

I... Yeah, I will.

We're gonna play a little game of word association.

Do you know how to play word association?

- Yep. - Okay. So.

Okay.

Storytelling.

Life.

Great. Death.

Sadness.

Maria's funeral.

Don't think about it too much. Don't. Go, go. Come on.

Maria's funeral.

Gone.

Good. Swimming pool.

Jumping in.

Drown.

Not alive.

That's two words. Choose one of them.

- Dead. - No.

- That's gotta be not or alive. - Alive.

No, don't choose that one. Choose the first one.

- Not. - Alive.

I'm really struggling.

- I think I'm struggling. - No. That's okay.

This is good. So struggle.

Street.

Street. Struggle, street.

Roadworks.

Hi-vis.

Hi-vis. Okay, well let's pause there.

You're talking about you want to be in hi-vis,

you're struggling, and you wanna be on the street.

So I'd suggest a road worker. Okay?

I'm gonna ring the Ministry of Transport.

I'm gonna get some forms. Okay?

And we're gonna try and get you some work experience out there with a road gang.

Great. You're free to go. I need to make a phone call.

I need to get back to Peter, okay?

John. John.

- Hey, Vin. - Hey, man.

- Hey, I got your photo. - Ah, yeah?

- Lemme just get it up. - Yeah, yeah.

So you're, you're happy with this?

That's the pic?

Look me in the eyes, and tell me that's the pic.

Open your eyes. Is that the pic?

- No. - No, it's not, is it?

Where's the real pic?

I don't have a real pic. I've photoshopped it.

Yeah, I can see that, John.

It's a fuckin' shocking job. That is a green screen.

Yeah. I just--

You didn't even cut out her head properly.

Look at that! Did you bang her or not?

Nah.

Oh.

I'm just not good with the ladies at the moment.

Right.

I think you're coming on a bit strong, a bit sleaze dog.

- Really? - Yeah. You get in their space.

Like sometimes I see you talking to 'em, and you're just right in their grill.

It's like, I see you talking. You're like this.

- That doesn't feel good, does it? - No.

No. How's that?

Way better.

That's something like, "Could be a future boyfriend there."

- Yeah. - You know what I mean? This.

- Sleazy. - Smelling your breath.

It's bad. It's just let them make the first move.

- Yeah. - You got a bit of time now?

- You got ten minutes? - Yeah.

Let's go to the staff room. Let's have a bit of a chat.

- Thanks, man. - No, you're alright.

You're getting down on yourself. I can see it.

- I am. - Yeah.

♪ Educators, are you ready ♪

♪ We are the teachers, And we're proud to shout it ♪

♪ We're rough, we're tough we're powder puffs ♪

♪ So come on, educators, do your stuff ♪

And then you spell it. E-D-U-C.

And then you spell it out.