Original subtitles

[Music]

P.

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a doo doo

doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

doo doo doo doo doo doo doo

doo papa.

[Music]

Enter.

Excuse me, please. Lady.

Yes. What is it? I'm coming here for to

be learning the English. You're Oh, no.

I'm

Ali. I beg your pardon? My name is Ali.

Ali Nadim, I'm coming here for to be

learning the English. Ah, yes. Yes. You

wish to join our new class, English as a

foreign language? Yes, please. And I'm

hoping to be unrolled.

Hoping to be unrolled like it say in

your syllabus.

You mean hoping to be enrolled? That is

what I said. Hoping to be unrolled. Yes.

Well, I'm afraid you cannot be unrolled.

enrolled until the English teacher

arrives. Now, she should be here in a

few minutes. In the meanwhile, perhaps

you would care to wait in the classroom.

Go down the corridor, turn left at the

bottom, and wait in room

five. Understand? No.

Well, let's start again. We go down the

corridor. Down corridor. Good. Turn

left. Turn left. Right.

You were confusing me. Left or right?

It's left. Look, you just go down the

corridor, turn left, and wait in room

five. Room five. Ah, now I'm

understanding you. Room five. Yes. Jolly

good. Thank you.

Oh, dear Amy. I'm not going where I'm

looking. No, no, I wasn't looking where

I was going. That made the two of us.

Excuse me, sir.

Enter.

Mrs. Courtney. Miss. Oh, sorry. I'm your

new teacher, Jeremy Brown. BA Oxom.

You're a man. Yes. Well, this is most

unsatisfactory. This won't do at all. I

assure you my credentials are

impeccable. Academically, perhaps. I'm

talking about sex. Oh, I also assure you

my morals are perfectly respectable,

too. I'm referring to the fact that you

are a man. I distinctly requested the

local authority to send me a woman

teacher, especially in view of what

happened with Mr. Wbertton. Mr.

Wbertton? Yes. He was teaching English

to foreign students last term. I'm

afraid he only lasted a month. Then he

departed. Dead. Demented.

Yes. The strain was too much for him.

Typical of the male sex. No stamina.

Always seemed to be able to cope at

first and then one day he just snapped.

It was really quite disgusting. Really?

What did he do? Climbed out of the

classroom window onto the roof, took off

all his clothes, and stood there stark

naked singing I've got a lovely bunch of

coconut.

Well, there's no need to worry on my

account. I mean, I'm not likely to climb

out of the classroom window. I know you

aren't. Oh, thank you for your

confidence. It has nothing to do with

confidence. We've had the window frames

nailed down.

Oh, very thoughtful. Well, I really

would appreciate the job, Mrs. Courtney.

Miss Courtney, I am qualified, and I

rather do need a job. What with the

economic situation and inflation? All

right. There's no need to whimper. You

can start immediately. Thank you. On a

month's trial. Thank you. If you last

that long, I'll do my best. Uh, where

will I find my students? Class 5 down

the corridor in Turn. Right. I'm looking

forward to meeting them. I'm sure we're

all going to get along extremely well.

Good evening.

[Music]

Well, I'm pleased to meet you all. We

are also pleased to be meeting you.

I am Brown. Oh,

no. You are committing a

mistake. A mistake? Yes, please. You are

not brown. We are brown. You are white.

Uh, my name is Brown. I am your teacher.

Ah, you professori. Yes.

Thank you. Right. Uh, would you all like

to sit down? Sit

down. Right. Just uh take a note of all

your names, nationalities, and

occupations. Right.

Yes.

Well, I have the faintest idea what

you're saying, but I'm sure you're not

trying to find the needle work club.

It doesn't matter. Have a seat.

Sit down. Ah, see.

No, not there.

There.

Right. I'll just go around the class and

uh take your names. Yes. Yes. What is

your name? Maximillion Andrea Archimedis

Papandre. I'll just put you down as Max.

Uh, take it your Greek. is right from

Athens. Good. And what is your job? Uh,

I walk with sheeps.

[Music]

You walk with sheeps.

You're a shepherd. You work on a farm.

Uh, no. No. Not far. But you just said

you work with sheep. No, no, no, no.

Sheeps. Big

[Applause]

sheeps. Sheep. Yes. Sheeps. Tonkers.

Pankers, right? I woke in office. Good.

Thank you. And your name? Anna Schmidt.

German Opair.

Usual German efficiency. Germans are

always efficient. Not her. So,

Japanese much more efficient. Nine.

Germans are the best. Japanese make a

much better television.

Andoro

cameos please let us have no racialism

in this class. All are equal. Your name?

Givaniello Italian.

Where do you work? I work in restaurant

deop. A waiter. No, I'm not a waiter. A

cooker.

See, I cook with a ravioli. I cook with

a spaghetti. I put lasagna. I could put

everything a chef.

Okay. And your name? And what is your

name?

Me? Jeremy Brown. You

Max, Anna Schmidt, Giovanni Capello,

you Yes. Write your name down.

Good. Good.

[Music]

It's no good. I need your name in

English.

[Music]

Ah, certificate of registration. Jamila

Ranja, housewife. Thank you.

Good. And your name?

I am Ali Nadim.

I'm working at the moment, not anywhere

at all.

You're unemployed? Yes,

please. Only one day a week I'm working.

Uh, what do you do then? I'm going to

the unemployment

exchange for to be collecting my money.

Who blind me? I get more money for not

being working than when I'm working.

But before you discovered this secret of

eternal wealth, what did you do? Blime

me, I worked at Taj Mahal in Delhi. Oh

no, restaurants good chapati and

papadam. A thousand apologies for my

late. The omnibus was going backwards.

I'm sure there must be a more logical

explanation. It is the absolute truth. I

was told to be taking a number 27

omnibus and I complied but it went in a

backward direction. No, I think you

meant it was going the other way. That

is the g of what I'm saying. A thousand

apologies. Sorry. Uh perhaps you'd like

to sit next to Ali, your countryman. I

cannot sit there. It's impossible. Why

is it impossible? I'm sick. Oh dear.

I hope it's not contagious. Perhaps you

ought to come back when you're better. I

do not comprehend the gist of your

conversation. You said you were sick.

No, no, no, no, no. I am not referring

to my physical state of mind. My

religion is sick and he is Muslim. Islam

is the only true faith and Muslim follow

a false prophet. How dare he be speaking

of God's holy messenger and fool. Sikhs

are unbelievers and infidels. Sikhs are

peaceloving people. And if you are not

careful, I will have much pleasure in

dispatching you to your holy messenger

with this. I will not tolerate any

religious intolerance. Now put that

knife away. He called me an infidel.

Well, he didn't mean it, did you? Most

definitely.

By the five rivers of Punjab to slice

your throat from there to there. Oh, ear

to ear. Ear to there or there to here.

There will be no throat slicing in my

class. If you want to do that sort of

thing, you should have joined the sports

and pastimes.

Put your knife away and be a good chap

and go and sit down. How do you feel

about Roman Catholics? Oh, I treat them

like my brothers. Good. Well, you can go

and sit next to Giovani then. A bit

infinite. Gentlemen, please. You're here

to learn English, not start a holy war.

And what is your name? Ranjit Singh.

Sing. And you're from which country?

Punjab. And what is your job? I am a

very important member of the British

underground. Underground

just the underground

mind that

under. And your name? Perl

Nagasi. My name Cardo. Ah, Japanese

representative of Bushida Electronics.

Very good. Very

good. And finally, your name.

Your name? What is your name?

No need to ask what nationality you are.

Spanish.

What is your job?

A tree lagger. But you lag trees.

Tree loger. See, you work in a bar. CC

bar. Well, Mr. Brown. Yes. Thank you.

Apart from one attempted murder and a

possible race riot, I seem to be coping

reasonably well. Well, what I really

came to inform you about was the

registration fees for the students. Now,

it's £5 per head, and I should be

grateful if you would collect the money

and bring it to my office in your tea

break. Right, I'll do that. Well, we

have one thing to be grateful for

anyway. Sex won't be rearing its ugly

little head. Beg your pardon? Well, in

my experience, it isn't race or religion

that causes the problems. It's usually

the presence of some foreign beauty.

jealousies, intrigues, all that sort of

thing. Yes. Well, looking at my class, I

don't think we'll be too bothered with

anything like that.

[Music]

I come to learn English. Have I come to

the right place?

[Music]

[Applause]

Enter.

Mrs. Courtney. Miss. Miss. I just

brought the registration fees for the

students. Ah, good. Now, how many

students have you? Nine. So, there

should be £45 in there. Well, that all

depends upon the rate of exchange. I

don't want to bother you.

Not all of them had uh £5 in English

money. So I collected £2950 in sterling

and the rest is made up of 2,000 yen

3,000

LAR 250 betas 75 drama 50 franks and 12

Deutsch marks according to this

morning's financial papers that should

give us a profit of 142p

then I suggest you take it to the bank

in the morning and convert it to English

currency right I'll do that oh by the

way how's the fem fatal ah yes Danielle

well at the moment she's in the tea room

with Italy Spain and Greece trying to

establish diplomatic relations

Well, I hope she's not going to cause

any bother. Oh, no. I'm sure she won't.

Look, I'm not going to sit here. No, is

it me who's going to be sitting here?

Before you were sit over there. And

before you were, we're sit over there.

You take it on me. Who? Me? You go back.

Sit where you were before. I sit here.

You not sit here. Who's going to be

stopping me? Me.

Yourself? You think you're tough? Come

out aside.

Okay. Where you going? We go outside to

have it a punch down. You mean a punch?

I'm going to uh how you say yes. Knock

his bloody block off.

We see whose bloody blocker is not off.

Just a minute. What is all this about? I

tell you, Mr. White. Excuse me.

It's about where we sit. What's wrong

with where you were sitting before? It's

my eyes, Professori. I've got to sit

near at the

front here.

I see. And I suppose it's got nothing to

do with the fact that Danielle is

sitting here too. She

[Laughter]

is. I never

noticed. You see, my eyes. I'm a little

shortered and also a much a bigger line.

It's not true, Mr. Green. The name is

Brown. You see, I'm a color blade as

well.

And Max, I suppose you've got trouble

with your eyes as well, have you? No,

no, no, no. My eyes are okay. It's my

ears.

I'm not hearing very well. That's a

likely story.

What you say?

I say you both go back and sit where you

were sitting before. Now, Santa Maria,

I hope you don't think I was uh, how you

say, too forward.

No, no, I'm sure you weren't in any way

to blame at all.

Teacher, please.

Mr. Blown. Yes.

Please forgive my rapess. I apologize,

but I lost my way. Not to worry. Uh,

what is your name? Chung Suli. Junguli.

And where are you from? Democratic

Republic of China.

And what is your job? Secretary Chinese

diplomat.

Very

nice. Right. Where should we put you?

Uh, Taro, how are relations between

Japan and China?

depends on a

political wheel

pointer.

Japan light

wingo

China raft to

wingo. I see. Are you lightwingo or left

wingo? Right or left? I for teaching of

chairman Ma. Ah, well, in that case, you

better sit next to Jamila, the Indian

lady. All right. Thank you. Right. Now

we will start by learning a few basic

English verbs. And firstly we will take

the verb to be.

I am English. You are

Chinese. He is

Italian. She is French. He is barbarian.

And you are asking for a kick up your

big brown backside.

Pay attention please. I am I am You are

You are He or it is. He or he

we are. We are. You are.

They are. They are. All right.

I shall now go round the class and ask

you each to give me a sentence using the

verb to be. To be to be tarot. I am ah

so I

am very happy to be learning

English. Very

good. Good. Giovani, he

is he is a fool.

Good. But not Isida. He is a fool. Yes,

he is a

fool. Max. Uh, she

is. She is

beautiful. She is

wonderful. She is. Yes. Yes. Thank you,

Max.

Juan. It is

It is.

It is

raining. It is raining.

It is raining.

Skip you for the moment. Fab doesn't

matter. Sit down.

Sulie, it is

it is duty of every citizen to overthrow

imperial war mongers. So say chairman

mouse.

Yes. Well, that's his opinion. Good

Danielle. We are

uh we are

lucky to have such great

please. Very true. I mean

uh

Ali, you

[Music]

are you

are you are waiting for me to speak an

answer. Well done. And unfortunately I'm

not understanding the question.

I want you to give me a sentence using

you are. I am. No, not I am. You are.

For example, you are from Pakistan. I am

from Pakistan. Good. Yes. But now use

you are. But I cannot say you are from

Pakistan because you are not. Are

you? Repeat after me. You are English.

No. No. I am from Pakistan. What am I?

You are confusing

me. You are. You mean poof.

[Applause]

Sit down.

Sit down, please. Right.

There's really not much more we can do

until you all get the textbooks I was

telling you about. What I would would

like you to do is some homework. All

right. I want you to write me an essay.

Short story about your life here in

England. Things you do, the things you

like.

And I'll see you all on Wednesday.

Oh, Mrs. Thornney. Miss Miss,

but I've just dismissed the class for

the night. I think we've just about

covered all there is to for the first

session. You look a trifle under the

weather. Job getting you down already.

Well, no, no, I'm fine. Never felt

better. There's just one thing, though.

Yes, that window you nailed down, the

one Mr. Warbertton climbed out of. What

about it? I think we ought to put a few

more nails in just be on the safe

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

side.

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Yeah. Heat.