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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:04,392 So... everyone's coming to our place for Christmas this year? 2 00:00:04,497 --> 00:00:05,842 I thought you guys were going to your parents' house. 3 00:00:05,954 --> 00:00:08,561 Uh, no. Jane and Alex's parents are going to sex camp. 4 00:00:10,102 --> 00:00:11,646 Good news is, we all get to be together, 5 00:00:11,769 --> 00:00:14,230 I get to open presents, peace on Earth, 6 00:00:14,401 --> 00:00:15,634 who cares, who cares, who cares? 7 00:00:15,738 --> 00:00:16,833 I get to open presents. 8 00:00:16,939 --> 00:00:18,961 When it comes to opening presents on Christmas morning, 9 00:00:19,070 --> 00:00:20,919 Alex is like a kid on Christmas morning. 10 00:00:21,029 --> 00:00:23,054 Yes, I'm getting good at this! 11 00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:24,064 - Mnh-mnh. - There's nothing like 12 00:00:24,182 --> 00:00:26,081 the first delicious rip of wrapping paper. 13 00:00:26,222 --> 00:00:27,871 The gift teases you with what's inside, 14 00:00:27,989 --> 00:00:30,049 and you see those letters-- "C-H-U"-- 15 00:00:30,212 --> 00:00:32,269 and you know it's chutes and ladders. 16 00:00:32,434 --> 00:00:33,867 Except for that one time 17 00:00:33,975 --> 00:00:35,980 that it was a chubby checker chess set. Meh. 18 00:00:36,073 --> 00:00:37,149 Hey, guys. What can I get for you today? 19 00:00:37,244 --> 00:00:38,630 I will have an egg nog, 20 00:00:38,768 --> 00:00:40,684 my most favorite holiday beverage. 21 00:00:40,786 --> 00:00:41,792 You can drink it any way you want-- 22 00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:43,156 Straight, on the rocks. 23 00:00:43,264 --> 00:00:45,765 You can throw a shot of sake in there, call it a Nagasaki bomb. 24 00:00:45,870 --> 00:00:48,221 Uh-oh. Did he hear that? 25 00:00:48,353 --> 00:00:50,556 Did the Asian waiter hear that? 26 00:00:50,669 --> 00:00:52,164 Okay. I just need some IDs. 27 00:00:52,250 --> 00:00:55,442 Ugh! Carded again? When will I look my age? 28 00:00:55,523 --> 00:00:58,739 Curse this amazing alabaster complexion. What a hassle. 29 00:00:58,843 --> 00:00:59,763 Well, not just yours, ma'am. 30 00:00:59,874 --> 00:01:01,261 - Ma'am? - I need everybody's IDs. 31 00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:02,888 Some kids have been sneaking in with some fakes. 32 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,105 Ah. I remember my first fake ID. 33 00:01:05,239 --> 00:01:08,916 D'Sean Andre. 40, pisces, from Ohio. 34 00:01:09,034 --> 00:01:09,907 I got in nowhere. 35 00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:11,533 I'm sorry. Uh, this is a fake. 36 00:01:11,653 --> 00:01:13,080 What? No, it's not. 37 00:01:13,210 --> 00:01:14,438 Give me that. 38 00:01:14,788 --> 00:01:17,379 Is her name Jane Kerkovich-Williams? Yes. 39 00:01:17,490 --> 00:01:19,640 Is her height 5'8"? Yes. 40 00:01:19,742 --> 00:01:22,160 Is her eye color frosted spruce? Yes. 41 00:01:22,270 --> 00:01:24,710 Did she have to petition the Illinois Secretary of State 42 00:01:24,841 --> 00:01:26,715 to allow her to have this color on her license? 43 00:01:26,841 --> 00:01:29,142 - No. He's a good friend of ours. - Mm-hmm. 44 00:01:29,258 --> 00:01:31,044 The ID is fake. I can call the cops if you want. 45 00:01:31,178 --> 00:01:32,074 - Call the cops, man! - Whoa! 46 00:01:33,878 --> 00:01:35,478 You think I'm scared of the cops 'cause I'm black? 47 00:01:35,589 --> 00:01:36,255 - Whoa! - Call the cops, man. 48 00:01:36,378 --> 00:01:38,752 Okay, it is a fake ID. 49 00:01:39,573 --> 00:01:41,420 Wait. Jane, why you have a fake ID? 50 00:01:41,552 --> 00:01:44,015 My birthday is not July 16th. 51 00:01:44,136 --> 00:01:45,648 What? 52 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,233 It's December 25th. 53 00:01:49,089 --> 00:01:50,792 I'm a Christmas baby. 54 00:01:50,903 --> 00:01:51,918 I've never done pilates! 55 00:01:52,023 --> 00:01:53,849 I just go to a bakery every Sunday. 56 00:01:54,952 --> 00:01:56,898 Oh. I thought we were all admitting stuff. 57 00:01:57,030 --> 00:01:57,906 - No. - No. 58 00:01:58,008 --> 00:01:59,402 - So just Jane? - Yeah. 59 00:01:59,563 --> 00:02:02,484 Christmas baby, you say? Weird. 60 00:02:02,605 --> 00:02:05,901 Let's-- let's-- let's rap about that. Come on, everyone. 61 00:02:09,398 --> 00:02:12,881 Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com 62 00:02:16,095 --> 00:02:18,179 I still can't believe you lied to me about your birthday. 63 00:02:18,407 --> 00:02:19,989 I thought you were older than me. 64 00:02:20,215 --> 00:02:21,919 I thought I was married to a MILF. 65 00:02:22,037 --> 00:02:24,671 Now all those fantasies about her being my dad's new wife 66 00:02:24,795 --> 00:02:26,658 and giving me a bath and swaddling me 67 00:02:26,787 --> 00:02:28,334 don't make any sense. 68 00:02:28,473 --> 00:02:30,349 Like, what? What? What? What? What? W-- 69 00:02:30,482 --> 00:02:33,999 why would a younger woman give me a bath and swaddle me? 70 00:02:34,103 --> 00:02:35,637 - It's weird! - Yeah, it's weird. 71 00:02:35,775 --> 00:02:37,947 Look, when your birthday is on Christmas, 72 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:39,460 you get completely forgotten about. 73 00:02:39,611 --> 00:02:41,969 You know what? Let me paint you a little picture. 74 00:02:42,159 --> 00:02:45,048 Early one Christmas birthday morn, 75 00:02:45,172 --> 00:02:47,399 I tiptoed down the stairs 76 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:50,347 to find me mum and pop waiting for me. 77 00:02:50,475 --> 00:02:52,071 Wait. Are you Madonna in this story? 78 00:02:52,189 --> 00:02:53,741 And, lo, 79 00:02:53,929 --> 00:02:57,129 besides them 'twas a Christmas gift. 80 00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:59,275 'Twas an easy bake oven. 81 00:02:59,399 --> 00:03:00,934 Good story. It's over now, right? 82 00:03:01,051 --> 00:03:02,801 - Shh! I wanna hear what happens. - You were there. 83 00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:04,939 Well, there was another gift waiting for me-- 84 00:03:05,059 --> 00:03:06,856 a birthday gift. 85 00:03:06,973 --> 00:03:09,303 - Was it a sleigh? - Hmm! 86 00:03:09,505 --> 00:03:11,227 Or a doll 87 00:03:11,406 --> 00:03:12,988 who wets herself? 88 00:03:13,112 --> 00:03:14,134 No. 89 00:03:15,536 --> 00:03:16,628 It was batteries. 90 00:03:16,748 --> 00:03:17,591 - No. - No. 91 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:19,084 For the easy bake oven. 92 00:03:19,284 --> 00:03:20,616 And boom! 93 00:03:20,791 --> 00:03:22,296 My parents... 94 00:03:22,863 --> 00:03:25,215 ruined my childhood by giving me the dreaded 95 00:03:25,344 --> 00:03:27,262 Christmas/birthday combo gift. 96 00:03:27,379 --> 00:03:28,792 - Oof. - Roof stoof. 97 00:03:28,894 --> 00:03:30,625 Must've been nice having two parents. 98 00:03:30,741 --> 00:03:32,210 Yeah. Sorry. 99 00:03:32,326 --> 00:03:34,675 So... I sat my folks down 100 00:03:34,802 --> 00:03:38,024 and I said, "from now on, my birthday will be July 16th." 101 00:03:38,184 --> 00:03:39,189 And, you know, 102 00:03:39,309 --> 00:03:42,704 a summer birthday really matches my easy, breezy vibe. 103 00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:43,840 Easy, breezy vibe? 104 00:03:43,955 --> 00:03:45,335 I thought you had more of a a "Dead-Of-Winter, 105 00:03:45,463 --> 00:03:48,240 'Girl-With-The-Dragon-Tattoo'- Saarsgard-Murder-House" vibe. 106 00:03:48,355 --> 00:03:50,187 - Yes. - Aw, babe, 107 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:52,143 I feel horrible that you had to change your birthday. 108 00:03:52,292 --> 00:03:54,053 You should get to celebrate on your actual day. 109 00:03:54,176 --> 00:03:56,690 I'm really okay with it, and not like when I said 110 00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:58,876 I was okay with you and Max starting a black circus. 111 00:03:58,992 --> 00:04:00,547 You didn't like ringling brothers for brothers? 112 00:04:00,660 --> 00:04:02,463 It would've been the greatest show on earf. 113 00:04:02,592 --> 00:04:04,272 Don't you dare laugh at that. 114 00:04:04,894 --> 00:04:06,177 Okay, you can laugh a little bit. 115 00:04:06,297 --> 00:04:07,333 Thanks. I wanted to. 116 00:04:07,436 --> 00:04:08,595 Racists! 117 00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:12,583 Thank you so much for helping me pick out Pete's Christmas gift. 118 00:04:12,690 --> 00:04:14,403 I mean, this is the first gift I've ever given him, 119 00:04:14,519 --> 00:04:16,157 and I really don't wanna screw it up. 120 00:04:16,268 --> 00:04:18,272 Pen, this is huge. Huge. 121 00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:21,187 I know! And-- and I haven't been the best gift giver in the past. 122 00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:23,519 But this time, I kinda think I nailed it. 123 00:04:23,645 --> 00:04:24,858 I'm either giving him 124 00:04:25,046 --> 00:04:26,746 - this book on Iraq... - Mm. 125 00:04:26,898 --> 00:04:29,440 - This artisanal flight of jams... - Ooh! 126 00:04:29,568 --> 00:04:30,861 Or this antique fan. 127 00:04:30,981 --> 00:04:33,421 Pen, these gifts are perfect... for the garbage. 128 00:04:33,551 --> 00:04:35,007 Okay, that's some fearless feedback. 129 00:04:35,123 --> 00:04:36,041 I'm gonna help you. 130 00:04:36,165 --> 00:04:37,821 Now most people don't know this about me, 131 00:04:37,922 --> 00:04:41,712 but I have the uncanny ability to find people the perfect gift. 132 00:04:41,822 --> 00:04:44,411 I am the gift... whisperer. 133 00:04:44,558 --> 00:04:45,603 What's the what what? 134 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:46,753 You heard me, dollface. 135 00:04:46,869 --> 00:04:48,907 I'm the gift... whisperer. 136 00:04:49,036 --> 00:04:51,975 Gifts whisper to me and tell me who they'd be perfect for. 137 00:04:52,074 --> 00:04:52,805 Oh, really? 138 00:04:52,948 --> 00:04:55,300 Like when you said you were the horse whisperer whisperer, 139 00:04:55,428 --> 00:04:57,340 but ya never ended up getting that DVD to work? 140 00:04:57,470 --> 00:04:58,543 Shh. 141 00:04:58,692 --> 00:05:00,894 Pen, you need this gift to feel personal 142 00:05:01,023 --> 00:05:03,260 but not come across like you're ready to walk down the aisle, 143 00:05:03,381 --> 00:05:05,014 even though I know you've picked out the ring. 144 00:05:05,108 --> 00:05:06,067 His grandmother has 145 00:05:06,197 --> 00:05:08,692 - this gorgeous bezel set princess cut. - Mm. 146 00:05:08,801 --> 00:05:10,143 And between you and me, she's not doing too well. 147 00:05:10,258 --> 00:05:11,422 Ya can't take it with ya. 148 00:05:11,531 --> 00:05:14,836 Oh, my God! You are the gift... whisperer. 149 00:05:14,976 --> 00:05:16,852 Ah. Whispering's kind of my thing. 150 00:05:16,953 --> 00:05:18,051 Shut up. 151 00:05:18,575 --> 00:05:20,094 Merry Christmas, everyone. 152 00:05:22,428 --> 00:05:24,592 ♪ deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪ 153 00:05:24,724 --> 00:05:27,295 ♪ fa la la la la, la-la la la ♪ 154 00:05:27,486 --> 00:05:28,673 ♪ 'tis-- 155 00:05:29,014 --> 00:05:29,860 Mnh. 156 00:05:30,606 --> 00:05:32,740 Happy Birthday, Jane... 157 00:05:33,217 --> 00:05:35,034 and Jesus. 158 00:05:35,592 --> 00:05:36,517 Ugh! 159 00:05:39,337 --> 00:05:41,266 - Surprise! - Aah! 160 00:05:44,007 --> 00:05:46,109 Why does she keep pepper spraying us 161 00:05:46,238 --> 00:05:47,729 on her birthday?! 162 00:05:47,856 --> 00:05:49,443 It got in my pants! 163 00:05:49,614 --> 00:05:51,098 It's on my penis! 164 00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:52,428 What are you guys doing here? 165 00:05:52,545 --> 00:05:54,946 We were postponing Christmas so we can celebrate your birthday 166 00:05:55,069 --> 00:05:56,317 on your actual birthday! 167 00:05:56,443 --> 00:05:58,433 We thought it would make you happy! 168 00:06:02,170 --> 00:06:03,753 Ohh. 169 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:06,183 Yeah. You know what? My bad, guys. 170 00:06:06,345 --> 00:06:08,302 This one's on me. 171 00:06:11,986 --> 00:06:12,836 I'm sorry, guys. 172 00:06:12,959 --> 00:06:14,669 What was it you were gonna say before the whole... 173 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:18,123 - Aah! - Thing? 174 00:06:18,248 --> 00:06:21,506 We were gonna say that we're postponing Christmas for the day 175 00:06:21,627 --> 00:06:24,051 so that we could celebrate Jane-mas. 176 00:06:24,183 --> 00:06:26,057 Did everybody do the jazz hands? 177 00:06:26,182 --> 00:06:26,976 - Uh-huh. Yeah. - Oh, yeah. 178 00:06:27,115 --> 00:06:28,335 - Oh, yeah, we made a big show of it. - Yeah. 179 00:06:28,458 --> 00:06:29,574 What's Jane-mas? 180 00:06:29,689 --> 00:06:30,692 You're gonna do everything 181 00:06:30,827 --> 00:06:32,429 you would normally do on your July birthday. 182 00:06:32,571 --> 00:06:35,431 I'm gonna take you shopping, we're gonna get our nails did, 183 00:06:35,594 --> 00:06:37,645 and then we're gonna throw you... 184 00:06:37,768 --> 00:06:39,275 the best birthday party ever. 185 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:42,497 Guys, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, okay? 186 00:06:42,617 --> 00:06:45,113 But you can't shut Christmas out. It's unstoppable. 187 00:06:45,231 --> 00:06:47,230 Oh, we're stopping it, missy, today. 188 00:06:47,362 --> 00:06:49,540 Alex is gonna keep her weird present opening fetish 189 00:06:49,663 --> 00:06:51,130 under wraps, no pun intended. 190 00:06:51,233 --> 00:06:52,178 I don't get it anyway. 191 00:06:52,291 --> 00:06:56,072 And Max is gonna be egg-nostic for the day, pun intended. 192 00:06:56,201 --> 00:06:57,726 I'm not saying there is egg nog. 193 00:06:57,845 --> 00:06:59,202 I'm not saying there's not egg nog. 194 00:06:59,329 --> 00:07:01,381 What I'm saying is... there's no way to know for sure. 195 00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:02,476 I really don't get that one. 196 00:07:02,601 --> 00:07:03,589 There is going to be 197 00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:06,458 zero evidence of Christmas on your birthday. 198 00:07:06,583 --> 00:07:07,931 - Please?! - All right, I'm in. 199 00:07:08,057 --> 00:07:09,895 Yes! Unh! 200 00:07:10,012 --> 00:07:10,988 But... 201 00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:12,702 - this is gonna be tough. - Right. 202 00:07:12,844 --> 00:07:14,707 Christmas creeps in. 203 00:07:14,837 --> 00:07:15,939 Example-- 204 00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:18,313 Santa Claus socks. 205 00:07:18,430 --> 00:07:19,786 No, no, no, no. 206 00:07:19,904 --> 00:07:21,302 That-- that's not Santa. 207 00:07:21,429 --> 00:07:23,222 That's the old guy from "Jurassic Park," 208 00:07:23,339 --> 00:07:26,071 and those are... candy cane-asaurases. 209 00:07:26,172 --> 00:07:28,153 Get out and do not come back 210 00:07:28,268 --> 00:07:32,247 - until you have on secular socks, young lady. - Sorry, Pen. Rules are rules. 211 00:07:33,830 --> 00:07:34,743 Huh?! 212 00:07:34,856 --> 00:07:35,539 - No, no. No, no, no. - What was that? 213 00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:36,659 - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. - What was that? 214 00:07:36,745 --> 00:07:38,217 - What was that? - No, that's just-- 215 00:07:38,329 --> 00:07:40,716 That's the theme song to "Jurassic Park," guys. 216 00:07:40,859 --> 00:07:43,616 ♪ Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park ♪ 217 00:07:43,754 --> 00:07:46,268 ♪ Newman gets killed bad ♪ 218 00:07:46,646 --> 00:07:48,136 I'll show myself out. 219 00:07:48,508 --> 00:07:49,919 - Penny? - Right behind you. 220 00:07:50,734 --> 00:07:51,600 I love this. 221 00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:54,608 I'm glad we got tossed out, because now we have time to find 222 00:07:54,722 --> 00:07:56,395 the perfect present for Pete. 223 00:07:56,556 --> 00:07:58,780 Although what is gonna be open on Christmas? 224 00:07:58,921 --> 00:08:01,065 A gas station? A drugstore? 225 00:08:01,186 --> 00:08:02,021 Israel? 226 00:08:02,130 --> 00:08:04,507 Pen, it's not about the gift per se. 227 00:08:04,632 --> 00:08:06,323 It's about taking Pete on a journey. 228 00:08:06,406 --> 00:08:08,363 Now close your eyes with me 229 00:08:08,578 --> 00:08:12,163 and envision the perfect journey for Pete. 230 00:08:12,512 --> 00:08:13,693 Ooh-kay. 231 00:08:14,766 --> 00:08:16,376 See it. 232 00:08:16,508 --> 00:08:17,929 See it. 233 00:08:18,482 --> 00:08:19,178 I got it! 234 00:08:19,286 --> 00:08:21,739 We are gonna take Pete on a fun-filled scavenger hunt 235 00:08:21,904 --> 00:08:24,157 that leads to Arcade Fire tickets 236 00:08:24,285 --> 00:08:25,491 hidden in his apartment. 237 00:08:25,636 --> 00:08:26,625 Oh, my God, that's genius! 238 00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:29,161 How did you think of that in, like, 20 seconds? 239 00:08:29,286 --> 00:08:31,372 Actually, I came up with it in the first five seconds. 240 00:08:31,496 --> 00:08:33,178 The last 15 seconds were spent wondering 241 00:08:33,302 --> 00:08:35,578 - whether or not I should shave my goatee. - Ah. 242 00:08:35,693 --> 00:08:38,789 And the answer is a-big, a-fat, a-no. 243 00:08:38,939 --> 00:08:40,634 We'll keep soul-searching on that one. 244 00:08:40,742 --> 00:08:41,991 ♪ making ♪ 245 00:08:42,139 --> 00:08:45,627 ♪ decorations for my baby ♪ 246 00:08:45,897 --> 00:08:49,314 ♪ I should've sung this like Michael McDonald ♪ 247 00:08:49,592 --> 00:08:53,577 ♪ it's way better like Michael McDonald ♪ 248 00:08:53,728 --> 00:08:55,126 ♪ yeah ♪ 249 00:08:58,235 --> 00:08:59,383 Sorry, hip-hop Santa. 250 00:08:59,514 --> 00:09:02,027 I cannot dance with you this year. I made a promise. 251 00:09:02,169 --> 00:09:03,122 Oh. 252 00:09:03,306 --> 00:09:04,650 Are you poppin'? 253 00:09:05,723 --> 00:09:07,540 Damn it, you can't pop without a lock. 254 00:09:10,106 --> 00:09:11,578 All right, I'll do one lock. 255 00:09:11,672 --> 00:09:12,938 One. That's it. 256 00:09:14,999 --> 00:09:18,101 Yes, yes, yes. 257 00:09:18,214 --> 00:09:19,173 Dave? 258 00:09:21,156 --> 00:09:23,136 Havin' a little dance-off with hip-hop Santa? 259 00:09:23,251 --> 00:09:24,340 No. 260 00:09:24,485 --> 00:09:25,395 I'm winning, though. 261 00:09:25,502 --> 00:09:26,432 I heard your singing, too. 262 00:09:26,547 --> 00:09:27,913 I don't even like stupid hip-hop Santa. 263 00:09:28,019 --> 00:09:29,160 He's so stupid. 264 00:09:29,894 --> 00:09:31,501 Uhh! 265 00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:34,076 Whoa. How come you get to throw hip-hop Santa off the balcony, 266 00:09:34,159 --> 00:09:35,746 but when I do it with a balloon full of nickels, 267 00:09:35,862 --> 00:09:38,009 it's "attempted manslaughter"? 268 00:09:39,789 --> 00:09:41,957 Hold up. 269 00:09:44,331 --> 00:09:45,319 Oh, we sniffing people now?! 270 00:09:45,435 --> 00:09:46,889 That's what's hot in the streets?! 271 00:09:47,388 --> 00:09:48,737 That's egg nog. 272 00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:51,291 Are you back on the sweet and creamy? 273 00:09:51,515 --> 00:09:53,165 It's not my fault, man. 274 00:09:53,309 --> 00:09:55,966 Merry Christmas! Egg nog sample? 275 00:09:56,142 --> 00:09:57,533 It's half-price today. 276 00:09:57,642 --> 00:09:59,512 No, thank you, enabler. 277 00:09:59,657 --> 00:10:01,414 No yuletide beverage for this guy. 278 00:10:01,525 --> 00:10:03,500 Just some snacks, some wine, 279 00:10:03,636 --> 00:10:05,462 possibly a "Source" magazine. 280 00:10:06,917 --> 00:10:08,343 Oh. 281 00:10:19,198 --> 00:10:20,216 I'd say that's disgusting, 282 00:10:20,346 --> 00:10:21,909 but I've seen you marinate chicken that way. 283 00:10:22,014 --> 00:10:25,143 Now pull it together, man. Christmas is not gonna beat us. 284 00:10:26,149 --> 00:10:28,273 It's beatin' me. 285 00:10:28,617 --> 00:10:31,507 It's beatin' me so hard! 286 00:10:33,532 --> 00:10:35,682 All right, we have a clue here, we have one under the pillow, 287 00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:38,298 and the tenth clue will lead to the CD player, 288 00:10:38,419 --> 00:10:39,317 which will not work 289 00:10:39,447 --> 00:10:41,516 because that is where we hid the Arcade Fire tickets. 290 00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:43,318 I feel like this is needlessly confusing, 291 00:10:43,433 --> 00:10:44,682 like that show "Treme." 292 00:10:44,821 --> 00:10:46,092 No, it's not confusing. 293 00:10:46,228 --> 00:10:48,243 You see, Wendell Pierce is a struggling musician. 294 00:10:48,353 --> 00:10:49,175 Let me back up. 295 00:10:49,294 --> 00:10:50,804 Most people don't realize that New Orleans 296 00:10:50,935 --> 00:10:52,659 is the main character. Let me back up again. 297 00:10:52,799 --> 00:10:55,567 You see, jazz is derived from negro spirituals. 298 00:10:55,670 --> 00:10:57,409 How do you think this is helping? 299 00:10:58,006 --> 00:10:58,573 You know what? 300 00:10:58,688 --> 00:11:00,212 You do the clues in the kitchen, I'll do 'em out here. 301 00:11:00,341 --> 00:11:01,935 - That's perfect. - Okay. 302 00:11:02,163 --> 00:11:03,675 What can I work with in here? 303 00:11:03,792 --> 00:11:05,051 I can do the light. 304 00:11:05,168 --> 00:11:06,839 No, that'll catch fire. 305 00:11:07,359 --> 00:11:08,087 Here. 306 00:11:08,529 --> 00:11:10,485 "To Penny, from Pete." 307 00:11:11,230 --> 00:11:13,265 A big-ass candle. 308 00:11:13,835 --> 00:11:15,260 That's terrible. 309 00:11:15,544 --> 00:11:17,559 Well, Al, you really cleared this place out. 310 00:11:17,667 --> 00:11:18,946 No Christmas decorations. 311 00:11:19,057 --> 00:11:19,853 I don't even see 312 00:11:19,976 --> 00:11:21,822 your annual Christmas gingerbread "Love Actually" 313 00:11:21,924 --> 00:11:22,884 - window display. - No. 314 00:11:23,005 --> 00:11:24,296 I threw out gingerbread Hugh Grant. 315 00:11:24,435 --> 00:11:26,228 I threw out gingerbread Liam Neeson. 316 00:11:26,377 --> 00:11:27,503 Full discloshe, 317 00:11:27,624 --> 00:11:29,566 I ate gumdrop Bill Nighy. 318 00:11:29,686 --> 00:11:30,658 Yummy guy. 319 00:11:30,769 --> 00:11:31,712 This is great. 320 00:11:31,820 --> 00:11:33,518 I finally get to do my birthday shopping spree 321 00:11:33,638 --> 00:11:35,099 on my actual birthday. 322 00:11:35,333 --> 00:11:36,725 Thanks, Al. 323 00:11:36,898 --> 00:11:37,898 You're welcome. 324 00:11:38,020 --> 00:11:39,615 Hey, do you want me to gift wrap that dress for you? 325 00:11:39,722 --> 00:11:40,723 And are you sure you can handle that 326 00:11:40,828 --> 00:11:43,092 with your whole gift wrapping issue that makes no sense? 327 00:11:43,201 --> 00:11:45,299 I'm fine. I got that 70% recycled paper, 328 00:11:45,452 --> 00:11:46,950 so you know it's real soft. 329 00:11:47,088 --> 00:11:48,053 Weak. 330 00:11:48,216 --> 00:11:49,711 Won't put up much of a fight. 331 00:11:49,935 --> 00:11:52,506 Yeah, it'll rip up real nice. 332 00:11:52,612 --> 00:11:55,198 So just give me the gift, and I'll unwrap it-- wrap it-- 333 00:11:55,302 --> 00:11:56,779 unwrap it-- just give it to me. 334 00:11:56,903 --> 00:11:59,439 Okay. 335 00:11:59,627 --> 00:12:01,301 Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. 336 00:12:02,115 --> 00:12:03,194 Hey, Brad, how's it going? 337 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:05,185 Uh, not great. We're taking on Christmas. 338 00:12:05,317 --> 00:12:07,043 I, uh, I danced with my hip-hop Santa, 339 00:12:07,172 --> 00:12:08,658 and Max got drunk on egg nog. 340 00:12:09,917 --> 00:12:12,026 I didn't vote for Obama! 341 00:12:12,123 --> 00:12:14,899 I couldn't respect his march madness bracket! 342 00:12:15,027 --> 00:12:17,183 Al, we really need your... 343 00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:20,121 Wait. What's that sound? Are you opening presents? 344 00:12:20,229 --> 00:12:21,245 - No. - What? 345 00:12:21,375 --> 00:12:22,360 Well, not real presents. 346 00:12:22,476 --> 00:12:23,519 It's that disappointing present 347 00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:26,156 gingerbread Alan Rickman gives to gingerbread Emma Thompson 348 00:12:26,285 --> 00:12:27,630 in my "Love Actually" display. 349 00:12:27,795 --> 00:12:30,707 Ohh, yeah, that opens nice. 350 00:12:30,817 --> 00:12:34,200 Al, get it together, okay? Stay committed to Jane-mas! 351 00:12:34,328 --> 00:12:36,511 Okay. For Jane. 352 00:12:38,898 --> 00:12:39,977 You really didn't vote for Obama? 353 00:12:40,077 --> 00:12:41,797 I was being funny! 354 00:12:41,931 --> 00:12:45,505 I wrote in Casey Affleck on the ballot! 355 00:12:47,902 --> 00:12:49,377 Every vote counts. 356 00:12:49,593 --> 00:12:51,450 Just when I thought there couldn't be any more clues, 357 00:12:51,532 --> 00:12:53,070 I open up the CD player, 358 00:12:53,182 --> 00:12:55,716 and there's tickets to Arcade Fire. 359 00:12:55,839 --> 00:12:57,568 It's an awesome, awesome gift. 360 00:12:57,684 --> 00:12:58,865 - Oh. - How did you know? 361 00:12:58,994 --> 00:13:00,972 Well, I have my ways. 362 00:13:01,136 --> 00:13:02,507 - Mmm. - Mmm. 363 00:13:03,842 --> 00:13:05,279 I hope you like my gift. 364 00:13:05,393 --> 00:13:06,470 I'm gonna love it. 365 00:13:06,569 --> 00:13:07,945 - Aw. - Aw! 366 00:13:08,206 --> 00:13:10,473 Hey, uh, Penny, why don't you go on? 367 00:13:10,605 --> 00:13:13,042 I wanna talk to Pete about my fantasy soccer team. 368 00:13:13,182 --> 00:13:16,485 You see, I'm thinking about trading Inigo Montoya 369 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,879 for Rancho Cucamonga, so... 370 00:13:18,985 --> 00:13:20,387 Well, that sounds made up, 371 00:13:20,506 --> 00:13:21,939 but I've gotta pee, so I'll go inside. 372 00:13:22,050 --> 00:13:23,079 I'll see you then, monkey. 373 00:13:23,189 --> 00:13:24,083 Love your face! 374 00:13:24,189 --> 00:13:26,105 - Thank you. - See you! 375 00:13:26,214 --> 00:13:28,054 Hey, man, I don't know much about soccer, 376 00:13:28,210 --> 00:13:30,235 but I think you just traded Mandy Patinkin 377 00:13:30,355 --> 00:13:31,718 for a town in California. 378 00:13:31,836 --> 00:13:33,299 That was subterfuge, Peter! 379 00:13:33,418 --> 00:13:34,419 What I really wanna know 380 00:13:34,527 --> 00:13:36,731 is what you plan on giving Penny for Christmas. 381 00:13:36,842 --> 00:13:38,325 Oh. Big-ass candle. 382 00:13:38,447 --> 00:13:41,308 Ah... Le big-ass candle. A classic... 383 00:13:41,425 --> 00:13:43,437 If you're a sophomore in college. 384 00:13:43,528 --> 00:13:44,533 Listen, Pedro, 385 00:13:44,643 --> 00:13:47,412 I got Penny a very nice scarf from her favorite boutique. 386 00:13:47,536 --> 00:13:49,313 Now you can give it to her if you want. 387 00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:51,188 Oh, man, I appreciate that, Dave. I do. 388 00:13:51,303 --> 00:13:53,085 But I think I'm gonna stick with my candle. 389 00:13:53,239 --> 00:13:55,093 - Big mistake! - What? 390 00:13:55,213 --> 00:13:56,794 Nothing. I had something caught in my throat. 391 00:13:56,963 --> 00:13:58,870 And you're making a big mistake. 392 00:14:01,219 --> 00:14:02,615 Happy Birthday! 393 00:14:02,735 --> 00:14:04,308 Please don't pepper spray my pee-pee! Please! 394 00:14:04,409 --> 00:14:05,928 Please don't pepper spray my pee-pee, please. 395 00:14:06,052 --> 00:14:07,693 I'm new. I'm just trying to fit in. 396 00:14:07,816 --> 00:14:08,768 Guys! 397 00:14:08,859 --> 00:14:11,533 Thank you so much for going to all this trouble on my birthday. 398 00:14:11,653 --> 00:14:13,323 I mean, I was a little scared, you know, to get my hopes up, 399 00:14:13,437 --> 00:14:15,855 but... this has been really great. 400 00:14:15,986 --> 00:14:18,428 I told you, Brad has everything under control. 401 00:14:18,537 --> 00:14:21,167 Now let's eat, drink, ha ha! 402 00:14:22,322 --> 00:14:23,687 Hey. Psst, string bean. 403 00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:25,488 - What? - Listen, man. 404 00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:27,028 Jane needs to open up a gift, you know, 405 00:14:27,156 --> 00:14:28,451 'cause it's 4:00 on Christmas day, 406 00:14:28,572 --> 00:14:29,793 and no one's opened diddly-squat. 407 00:14:29,905 --> 00:14:31,054 Just hang on a little longer. 408 00:14:31,164 --> 00:14:32,817 Hey, I'm tired of you telling me what to do, man. 409 00:14:32,945 --> 00:14:33,811 You've got gift eyes. 410 00:14:33,923 --> 00:14:34,904 Presents, everybody! 411 00:14:35,033 --> 00:14:36,168 No, no! No. No, wait. No. 412 00:14:36,284 --> 00:14:38,108 What the hell are you doing? 413 00:14:38,218 --> 00:14:39,433 What do you care? 414 00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:41,561 What are you doing?! What is this, "Oz"?! 415 00:14:41,684 --> 00:14:43,598 Damn it, Max, you're noggin' again! 416 00:14:43,723 --> 00:14:45,754 - So what if I am? - Look, 417 00:14:45,877 --> 00:14:47,259 tomorrow, I will buy one of those, 418 00:14:47,381 --> 00:14:48,823 and we will wear them to the movies. 419 00:14:48,965 --> 00:14:50,941 But tonight, I need you on the nog wagon. 420 00:14:51,053 --> 00:14:52,464 - Respect. - Right. 421 00:14:52,581 --> 00:14:54,326 All right, this is one-- and I like this one. 422 00:14:54,457 --> 00:14:55,827 - Hey. - Oh, yes. 423 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,377 - This is some beautiful wrapping paper. - Come on, come on, come on. 424 00:14:58,488 --> 00:14:59,518 I hate to rip it. You know what? 425 00:14:59,616 --> 00:15:02,948 I will get my letter opener, recycle this for later. Ooh! 426 00:15:03,046 --> 00:15:05,116 - Great idea, babe. - Recycle? What is this, Portland? 427 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:06,868 You gotta get her to open this gift now. 428 00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:08,240 Hey. Hey, you. Hey, hey. 429 00:15:08,332 --> 00:15:10,390 - Why don't you chill out and have some back nog? - You have an issue. 430 00:15:11,673 --> 00:15:12,680 Aah! 431 00:15:12,793 --> 00:15:14,360 This is Jane's night, all right?! 432 00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:17,466 You two idiots need to get it-- Hey, boo! Found what you need? 433 00:15:17,589 --> 00:15:18,541 Sure did. 434 00:15:18,632 --> 00:15:20,511 Oh, you know what? I am such a boob. 435 00:15:20,652 --> 00:15:22,277 This isn't my gift letter opener. 436 00:15:22,386 --> 00:15:23,477 It's my letter letter opener. 437 00:15:23,587 --> 00:15:24,751 Just open the... 438 00:15:24,868 --> 00:15:25,881 gift! 439 00:15:27,933 --> 00:15:30,294 - What?! - My eyes! My eyes! 440 00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:32,283 My nog! My nog! 441 00:15:32,403 --> 00:15:33,978 - Ow! Aah! - Quick! 442 00:15:34,112 --> 00:15:37,322 - How much nog did I put in here?! - Aah! 443 00:15:37,465 --> 00:15:39,436 What is happening?! 444 00:15:39,919 --> 00:15:41,263 I got it! 445 00:15:41,361 --> 00:15:42,226 Aah! Uhh! 446 00:15:44,602 --> 00:15:46,591 Happy Birthday. 447 00:15:46,757 --> 00:15:48,238 Oh! 448 00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:55,280 Jane still not answering her phone? 449 00:15:55,397 --> 00:15:56,610 No. 450 00:15:56,922 --> 00:15:58,252 I gotta find her. 451 00:16:03,274 --> 00:16:04,778 So... 452 00:16:05,546 --> 00:16:07,624 What's on the old schedule now? 453 00:16:07,746 --> 00:16:09,505 I mean, I guess it would be wrong to open presents 454 00:16:09,632 --> 00:16:11,336 without Jane, right? 455 00:16:11,611 --> 00:16:13,742 But Penny can open her gift from Pete. 456 00:16:13,865 --> 00:16:15,011 I'm sure he went to a lot of trouble, right? 457 00:16:15,123 --> 00:16:16,038 No, I can wait. 458 00:16:16,177 --> 00:16:17,948 Just open the fucking gift, Penny. 459 00:16:18,079 --> 00:16:20,591 Whoa. Okay. 460 00:16:21,056 --> 00:16:23,094 Well, Pen, here we go. 461 00:16:23,334 --> 00:16:24,506 I hope you like it. 462 00:16:24,765 --> 00:16:25,676 Merry Christmas. 463 00:16:25,775 --> 00:16:27,821 Merry Christmas. Oh. 464 00:16:29,904 --> 00:16:31,404 A big-ass candle? 465 00:16:31,513 --> 00:16:32,619 Pete, I tried to tell ya. 466 00:16:32,733 --> 00:16:34,725 - I love it! - That she'd love it! 467 00:16:34,842 --> 00:16:36,182 Oh! 468 00:16:38,433 --> 00:16:42,878 ♪ Chains shall he break for the slave... ♪ 469 00:16:48,945 --> 00:16:50,737 ♪ Jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪ 470 00:16:50,873 --> 00:16:52,407 Merry Christmas! 471 00:16:55,177 --> 00:16:59,246 ♪ Happy Birthday to us ♪ 472 00:16:59,392 --> 00:17:02,714 ♪ Happy Birthday to us ♪ 473 00:17:05,134 --> 00:17:09,950 ♪ Happy Birthday to us ♪ 474 00:17:12,847 --> 00:17:14,941 Uh... excuse me? 475 00:17:15,088 --> 00:17:17,114 W-what are you guys doing? 476 00:17:17,220 --> 00:17:18,937 Every year, we celebrate our birthdays together 477 00:17:19,048 --> 00:17:21,603 because everyone else is so caught up in Christmas. 478 00:17:21,745 --> 00:17:23,311 So get outta here! 479 00:17:23,703 --> 00:17:25,326 Christmas babies only! 480 00:17:26,130 --> 00:17:28,667 I am a Christmas baby. 481 00:17:34,364 --> 00:17:35,503 Hmm? 482 00:17:35,897 --> 00:17:37,468 Happy Birthday. 483 00:17:37,946 --> 00:17:39,458 You're home. 484 00:17:43,341 --> 00:17:45,335 Brava, Penny. 485 00:17:45,445 --> 00:17:46,909 What an amazing performance. 486 00:17:47,046 --> 00:17:50,246 I actually believed that you liked Pete's big-ass candle. 487 00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,603 Alfre Woodard has nothing on you. 488 00:17:52,779 --> 00:17:55,122 But I really did love the candle. 489 00:17:55,292 --> 00:17:57,059 And there's a very sweet story behind it. 490 00:17:57,219 --> 00:17:59,459 One night, Pete and I were watching "Contagion," 491 00:17:59,585 --> 00:18:02,419 and he said if I were ever dying like Gwyneth Paltrow, 492 00:18:02,533 --> 00:18:03,825 he wouldn't let me suffer. 493 00:18:04,018 --> 00:18:05,706 He'd put a bullet in my head 494 00:18:05,814 --> 00:18:07,994 and then light the biggest candle he could find 495 00:18:08,148 --> 00:18:09,763 to match my big heart. 496 00:18:09,882 --> 00:18:11,068 Pete said that? 497 00:18:11,188 --> 00:18:12,493 I know! 498 00:18:12,727 --> 00:18:15,072 No guy has ever offered to kill me. 499 00:18:15,259 --> 00:18:16,097 Well, one did, 500 00:18:16,201 --> 00:18:18,356 but it was during sex, so I don't think that counts. 501 00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:22,246 Wow. So the candle is a symbol of your relationship. 502 00:18:22,361 --> 00:18:24,776 It shines a light where you've been and we're you're going. 503 00:18:25,053 --> 00:18:26,513 - Damn it. - Mm. 504 00:18:26,633 --> 00:18:29,074 That beautiful bastard is the true gift whisperer. 505 00:18:29,201 --> 00:18:30,676 Nay, he's the gift king. 506 00:18:30,802 --> 00:18:31,702 Yeah, he's a good guy. 507 00:18:31,826 --> 00:18:33,401 He's the King. 508 00:18:35,983 --> 00:18:38,703 So for Christmas, my parents gave me a bike. 509 00:18:38,823 --> 00:18:43,652 Then for my birthday, they gave me air for the tires. 510 00:18:43,806 --> 00:18:46,098 Yeah, you-- you can't give away air. 511 00:18:46,252 --> 00:18:47,675 It's not yours to give. 512 00:18:47,787 --> 00:18:49,278 - No! - Mnh. 513 00:18:50,282 --> 00:18:52,870 One time, my parents decided to throw me a party 514 00:18:52,997 --> 00:18:54,695 on my actual birthday. 515 00:18:54,918 --> 00:18:56,876 - None of the kids could come... - Ohh. 516 00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:59,535 Except for Rachel Goldstein. 517 00:18:59,979 --> 00:19:01,529 She had facial dandruff. 518 00:19:01,639 --> 00:19:03,421 Ooh. Ooh. Never seen that. 519 00:19:03,577 --> 00:19:05,719 God, this is great... 520 00:19:05,823 --> 00:19:07,711 to be with people who get me. 521 00:19:07,864 --> 00:19:08,900 - So... - Yeah. 522 00:19:09,026 --> 00:19:11,547 What else do we Christmas babies do on this day? 523 00:19:11,667 --> 00:19:13,192 Well, first, we celebrate, 524 00:19:13,344 --> 00:19:16,029 then we cut the cake, then we go out and destroy 525 00:19:16,145 --> 00:19:17,852 everyone's Christmas decorations. 526 00:19:17,980 --> 00:19:19,906 Yeah. That's right. 527 00:19:20,016 --> 00:19:21,093 Y-- what? 528 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:24,037 We pay back Christmas for ruining our entire lives. 529 00:19:24,159 --> 00:19:25,084 Yeah! 530 00:19:25,190 --> 00:19:26,936 - All the late birthday cards... - Yeah! 531 00:19:27,038 --> 00:19:28,795 - The combo gifts... - Yeah! 532 00:19:28,936 --> 00:19:30,668 The impotence! 533 00:19:32,461 --> 00:19:34,732 It's time to take back the day! 534 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,812 Yeah! 535 00:19:36,981 --> 00:19:38,844 I just remembered. 536 00:19:38,985 --> 00:19:41,320 This is a wig and it's a rental, 537 00:19:41,448 --> 00:19:42,434 and I have to return it, 538 00:19:42,550 --> 00:19:45,082 so I gotta ska-doo r-right now. 539 00:19:45,190 --> 00:19:46,256 Okay. 540 00:19:48,947 --> 00:19:50,221 Babe? 541 00:19:50,610 --> 00:19:51,871 Babe! 542 00:19:52,413 --> 00:19:55,195 Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you. 543 00:19:55,309 --> 00:19:58,338 Oh! And you got my favorite caramel corn. 544 00:19:58,453 --> 00:19:59,312 Uh, y-yes! Yes. 545 00:19:59,447 --> 00:20:02,121 Yes, I-I got this for you 546 00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:04,749 and-- and no one else here with us right now. 547 00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:07,475 - Oh! That's so sweet! - Surprise. Take it. 548 00:20:07,592 --> 00:20:09,805 - Just have it. - It's stuck to your hands. 549 00:20:09,946 --> 00:20:11,180 Oh! 550 00:20:13,241 --> 00:20:14,246 You okay? 551 00:20:14,327 --> 00:20:15,398 Yeah. 552 00:20:15,815 --> 00:20:17,249 Let's go home and celebrate Christmas. 553 00:20:17,352 --> 00:20:18,658 No! No. 554 00:20:18,932 --> 00:20:20,751 No, I-I'm not giving up, all right? 555 00:20:20,882 --> 00:20:22,299 I've gotta make it right for that little girl 556 00:20:22,397 --> 00:20:24,027 who got her heart broken year after year. 557 00:20:24,135 --> 00:20:25,403 That little girl is fine, 558 00:20:25,749 --> 00:20:28,593 because that heartbreak made her into the woman she is today. 559 00:20:29,252 --> 00:20:31,175 I took control of my destiny. 560 00:20:31,460 --> 00:20:33,217 I changed my birthday. 561 00:20:33,556 --> 00:20:35,240 I am Queens Boulevard. 562 00:20:35,372 --> 00:20:37,297 - Damn right you are. - Yeah. 563 00:20:37,429 --> 00:20:38,803 - Mmm. - Mmm. 564 00:20:38,969 --> 00:20:41,557 - Mmm! Mmm! - Mmm! Mmm! 565 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:45,160 Thank you so much for trying so hard. 566 00:20:45,501 --> 00:20:47,156 I really appreciate it. 567 00:20:47,864 --> 00:20:50,632 Now let's go home before the riot starts. 568 00:20:50,741 --> 00:20:51,756 Okay. 569 00:20:52,407 --> 00:20:53,696 Before the what starts? 570 00:20:53,915 --> 00:20:55,917 Uh, it'll be on the news. 571 00:21:14,678 --> 00:21:16,139 Ho, ho, ho! 572 00:21:16,284 --> 00:21:17,395 ♪ Hey! ♪ 573 00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:19,020 Ho, ho, ho! 574 00:21:19,793 --> 00:21:20,916 Ho, ho, ho! 575 00:21:21,469 --> 00:21:22,602 ♪ Hey! ♪ 576 00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:25,621 Ho, ho, ho! 577 00:21:25,927 --> 00:21:27,108 ♪ Hey! ♪ 578 00:21:29,566 --> 00:21:30,909 ♪ Hey! ♪ 579 00:21:30,944 --> 00:21:32,285 Ho, ho, ho! 580 00:21:32,865 --> 00:21:34,473 Ho, ho, ho! 581 00:21:35,084 --> 00:21:40,834 Sync and corrections by n17t01 www.addic7ed.com 41538

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