Original subtitles

[wind howling]

[gentle music]

- Tell me there's a Bigfoot behind me.

[birds chirping]

No such luck.

Just bloody trees, grass.

Which is a shame 'cause it costs quite a lot of money

to fly out here.

This place in general though.

So thank you, student loan, for being there for me.

Even when Bigfoot was not.

[gentle music]

This week on, "Monster Hunters" we're here in Scotland

looking for none other than the Loch Ness Monster.

Is he under there?

I like to think so.

But we are, it must be said, missing a monster,

one large monster short, we be.

[gentle music]

[chimney dirt trickling]

[boots thudding]

[werewolf growling]

[gentle music]

- [Joe Bob Voiceover] "It was the night before Christmas

"when all through the house, not a creature was stirring,

"not even a mouse.

"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

"in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

"The children were nestled all snug in their beds

"while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads.

"And mama and her kerchief and I and my cap

"had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.

"When out on the lawn there run such a clatter,

"I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

"Away to the window I flew like a flash,

"threw open the shutters and threw up the sash.

"The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow

"gave a luster of midday to objects below.

"When what to my wondering eyes did appear,

"but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

"With a little old driver so lively and quick,

"I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.

"More rapid than eagles, his coarser as they came

"and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

"Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen.

"On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.

"To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall.

"Now dash away, dash away, dash away all.

[wind howling]

"As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly

"when they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky,

"so up to the housetop the coursers they flew

"with a sleigh full of toys and St. Nicholas too.

"And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

"the prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

"As I drew in my head and was turning around,

"down the chimney, St. Nicholas came with a bound.

"He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot

"and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

"A bundle of toys he had flung on his back

"and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

"His eyes, how they twinkled,

"his dimples how merry.

"His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.

"His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow

"and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.

"The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth

"and the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.

"He had a broad face and a little round belly

"that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.

"He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf.

"I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.

"A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

"soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

"He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work

"and filled all the stockings.

"Then turned with a jerk.

"And laying his finger aside of his nose and giving a nod

"up the chimney he rose.

"He sprained to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle

"and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

"But I heard him explain, as he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night.

"And then,

"well, things went completely fucking batshit crazy,

"if you know what I mean.

"And I think you do.

"Joe Bob says, be careful what you wish for."

- [Radio Host] See that was very bright, on the radio.

Now here's one that most kids like, this kid does too.

Standby.

[gentle upbeat music]

♪ You better watch out

- Quick cameo for my handsome face.

But I'm not the reason you're here.

Name?

- Gray, Lucy Gray.

- [Dustin] Oh, hang on, just wanna get a shot

of the Hastings sign.

♪ He's making a list, checking it twice ♪

♪ He's gonna find out

- [Dustin] Oh fuck off, mate, it's already clean.

- He's harmless.

There you go, Stan.

Go get yourself some real meth, not that cheap shit.

- [Dustin] No, you're crazy.

- Tis the season to be jolly, so say the idiots.

[car engine revving]

Can we please listen to something else.

I'm so fucking sick of Christmas music.

- [Dustin] This is a classic.

♪ Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride on a one horse open sleigh ♪

- Dustin.

- [Dustin] What?

- Change it please.

- [Dustin] What have you got against Christmas?

- Oh, I don't know, you name it.

Parents are divorced on Christmas Day.

Being so broke this year

that I stole my gifts from John Lewis.

Legged it when the alarm went off and twisted my ankle,

which I had for fucking days.

All whilst this song miraculously played

everywhere I hobbled.

So fuck this song and fuck Christmas.

- [Dustin] Wow, I think you gave me a semi.

- We're here to investigate werewolves,

not to celebrate the profits of certain retailers.

♪ It is to ride in a one

- [Dustin] Can we stop and fuck somewhere?

- No.

[car engine revving]

♪ Jingle Bells

- [Dustin] That stuff about your parents.

I'm sorry.

- Why, it wasn't you shagged the bimbo

who runs the bingo hall, was it?

- [Dustin] It wasn't, no.

♪ Oh what fun

- [Dustin] How old were you when it happened?

- Oh, please.

♪ In a one horse open sleigh

[upbeat music]

How does it happen/

What, like you can't keep your fucking dick in your pants.

- Oh, gee, fucking calm down.

You'd gone. - Which, where am I going?

Am am I going left and right?

- [Dustin] Left.

- Fucking hell.

- [Dustin] It just happened.

I was drinking, she was drinking, you were gone.

- It doesn't just fucking happen.

I didn't accidentally fall

on someone else's cock, did I? - We're not exclusive, Lucy.

We go around telling people that we're just fucking,

why would we be exclusive? - I don't, I don't.

- We never fucking said that.

- Fine, fine.

So I'll just go around and fuck your best mate,

shall I? - It's not even the best mate.

- Shut the fuck up, Dustin.

- You keep saying how much you fucking hate her.

- You're fucking, you dare fucking film this Dustin.

[car engine revving]

- [Dustin] Looks cozy.

- Do not be fooled.

[door knocking]

[gentle music]

- Lucy.

Why is there a camera in my face?

- Merry Christmas to you too.

Doing a thing on my werewolves.

- Well I'm not a bloody werewolf, am I?

- [Dustin] Just checking the settings, Mrs. Gray,

as we might do some interview stuff in here.

Gonna have to swing a lens Luce.

- But who the hell are you?

- [Dustin] Oh, I'm Dustin.

- Oh, you didn't tell me you were bringing someone.

- Oh, so what if I did?

This is Dustin.

He's good enough in bed

for us to be casually seeing each other.

He's in a band called I Piss On Your Soul.

And annoyingly labels himself as Wicken.

He's incredibly high and he drinks way too much,

making Christmas his favorite time of year

because everyone else becomes an alcoholic too.

On that note, I would love a Bailey's or three.

- [Dustin] Hi.

- Where's the Bailey's.

[clock ticking]

- [Dustin] Quiet in here?

- This is generally how it goes, for hours.

Mum and I have nothing in common.

- No, I'm not talking 'cause I don't like the camera.

- Ignore it.

- I can't, it's in my space.

- Look at me a sec Luce?

- It's a charming T-shirt.

So how's university?

- I dropped out.

- Oh good God.

- But you're still working at the coffee shop?

- I got fired.

- Lucy.

What am I gonna do with you?

Still, it's very nice

to have you down for Christmas, darling.

- [Dustin] Thought we were gonna interview your mum

about the werewolves.

- No, I didn't agree to that.

- No you don't have to if you don't want to.

- I'd have to do my hair.

- Fine, so how have you been mum, yoga stuff all okay?

- Well I'm still teaching, if that's what you mean.

- I'm not sure that is what I mean.

You know, I'm confused,

like we're having conversation on Mars.

- Most likely yes, yes, if you've been at the ganja again.

Oh, Lucy, take off that stinky, stinky jacket.

Let me put it in the wash.

- You can't put a leather jacket in the wash.

- What?

You practically live in that thing.

Do you have a bed in there

or something? - Funny.

- She used to be such a sweet girl.

Here she is at the fun fair.

She was a hell of a shot.

[Dustin giggling]

Your old glasses.

Oh, put them on Lucy, put them on.

- You want a cup of tea mum?

- No, I'm fine, thanks.

- Cool, let's just sit here for a bit longer then.

[door knocking]

Dad.

- [Dustin] I'm gonna grab some exterior shots at the house.

- What?

Oh great.

Dad.

- Happy Christmas.

- You look great.

You're glowing.

- Ah, I feel pretty good.

What's with the camera?

- Charlie.

- Carol.

How's the yoga thing going?

- It's fine, thanks.

How's the drinking thing going?

- Touche.

- Look at you.

You're half cut already.

You know you can't just turn up here like this.

- I can when my daughter's in town.

- Lemme cook your steak.

- No, I better.

Love the T-shirt by the way.

Oh damn, I forgot to bring your present.

- Ugh. - Doesn't matter.

- Old habits die hard, don't they?

Do you know he once forgot to close the front door,

we were leaving the house

and burglars came in and took everything

without even having to break a bloody window.

[car horn honking]

Is there a woman in your car?

- Yes.

- Well,

show her in.

- The last time I brought a woman in here,

you threw a toaster at her head.

- She deserved it.

- She said hello.

- Yeah, it was how she said hello.

It was her tone.

A new bloody woman every week.

You're like a dog on heat.

Justin, is it?

- [Dustin] Dustin.

- Whatever.

Can you please turn that bloody thing off?

This is personal stuff.

Pulling sluts off Tinder all the time.

I know you are on there.

You're such a cliche.

I dunno what they see in you.

- Whatever you saw in me.

- Well, whatever it was, I mustn't have had my contacts in.

- Touche.

- [Dustin] Shh.

[car engine revving]

It is like you are an extra in your own life

when you should be playing the lead.

You just sit about smoking weed, watching life pass you by.

You wear all this crazy shit

but it's like it's wearing you.

You have to do something in life

to earn having bright red hair,

you're not even in a band.

Ignore me.

It's the weed.

- On my YouTube channel?

- [Dustin] With like, four people watching it.

- At least my name isn't Dustin.

You ever heard of the lead singer of a band

being called Dustin?

No.

If Justin Timberlake is Dustin Timberlake,

he'd be working at KFC.

[victim screaming]

- Oh my God.

- Lucy.

[victim screaming]

- Should I call the police?

Lucy?

Oh fuck.

[wind howling]

[police sirens blaring]

I'd rather not break into a police station.

- That way, there's back way in.

They all glorify my dad,

even though he's the only chief constable in history

who doesn't drive.

It's so lame, they all have to drive him around

Right then, Monster Hunters, let's see what we can find.

- [Dustin] Okay, I've decided you are crazy.

- Maybe, but I don't buy the story

that guy simply got mauled by some dog.

[police sirens blaring]

Whiskey?

Maybe not.

[police sirens blaring]

Oh.

Can you zoom in on that?

- [Dustin] Silver bullets.

Might be a joke.

- They made us believe it was like a fireside story.

Like werewolves living in caves, falling off the cliffs.

Why they choose to live in Hastings of all places

is the biggest mystery.

[door hinge creaking]

Okay.

Should we take the whiskey?

- [Dustin] I'm more of a sherry guy.

Your parents are a weird fit.

How'd they meet?

- Dad met mum when he arrested her.

She went kind of crazy in a shopping mall

when they told her she couldn't get

a certain bath mat in blue.

- [Dustin] I see where you get it from?

- Seven,

I was seven when they divorced.

I ran outta the house, without either of them noticing,

into these woods.

I really believe I saw one of those werewolves.

- [Dustin] Batteries gone.

- Okay ugh.

So, Monster Hunters,

we have a rare full moon on Christmas Eve

and we're back in the park, hunting werewolves.

What was that?

Do you hear it?

- [Dustin] Nope.

[dogs barking]

- Fuck.

- [Dustin] Merry Christmas mate.

- Before you say it,

no I'm not scared of dogs.

You want a hash cookie?

- [Dustin] No, they're too strong.

You made 'em wrong.

- No, I made them just right.

They're here in my pocket if you change your mind.

Let's just explore a bit.

So yes, viewers, we have drugs.

Don't tell on us.

- [Dustin] I'm freezing.

- We'll have a hot chocolate when we get home.

- [Dustin] With marshmallows?

- Yes.

- [Dustin] And a hand job?

- What is that?

- [Dustin] What's what?

- That.

- [Dustin] Oh, come on Luce,

you saw what happened to that bloke.

Lucy?

[thunder rumbling]

Thunder.

We're lost.

[thunder rumbling]

- Well I know we promised you monsters,

but it seems tonight we're bringing you

an actual Santa sighting.

[Santa screaming]

[werewolf growling]

- Bless you my child.

Bless you.

It's safe.

It ran off.

- So much blood.

- It's okay.

I'm sure that I can find my feet.

- We have to get you to a hospital.

Aren't you in pain?

- It's the strangest thing.

[thunder rumbling]

No pain at all.

[Santa screaming]

[thunder rumbling]

- [Lucy] The hash cookies fell out my pocket.

[thunder rumbling]

- [Dustin] Great, a werewolf with the munchies.

Might have to save the town, Luce,

the world even, save Christmas.

Nobody knows more about monsters than you.

- Why would I wanna save Christmas?

I couldn't care less.

Oh, come on, my only knowledge comes from comic books.

- [Dustin] It's a start.

You owe it to your viewers.

Take the camera.

I'm getting an Uber back to London no matter cost,

I'm out of here. - Okay, fine, fine,

you're right.

People need to know the truth

about whatever happens here tonight.

This is an episode like any other,

just with an actual monster.

But I need you behind the camera.

- [Dustin] No way.

You're on your own.

I'm getting the fuck out of here.

- Dustin,

Dustin, if you don't film me,

I will release our sex tape online.

- [Dustin] Which one?

- The one where you made me dress up as your mum.

- [Dustin] Okay.

Okay, okay.

- Where are the police cars?

- [Dustin] This prick again.

- [Shop Owner] Excuse me, can I help you?

- Yes, I need some silver bullets please.

Do some damage with this.

- [Carol] What are you doing?

- Santa's turned into a werewolf and we're gonna kill him.

He's probably right now climbing down chimney after chimney,

eating family's alive.

- Are you making this up for one of your films?

- Yeah, if you like.

I'm gonna need to borrow your car.

- Well what about your car?

- Police took it 'til tomorrow 'cause I was high.

- No, it's my name on the license.

- There are bigger things to worry about.

- No.

- Fine, you'll just have to come with us and drive us.

- Drive you, drive you where?

- To the wolf.

- [Dustin] How are we gonna find it?

- We'll follow the police or something.

Dad, we need to call dad.

- Look I don't know what all this is about,

but okay, I'll do the driving for you.

But in exchange, Lucy,

I would like you to help me stuff the Turkey later, okay.

- Whatever, let's go.

Have you done your hair, mum?

- Yes.

If I'm gonna be on the bloody camera all the time.

- You love it!

- I do not.

- Mum, can we go faster?

Dad, pick up.

- So I'm driving towards the sound of the sirens?

- Yes.

I wish dad picks up his bloody phone.

- Mm, tell me about it.

What do you need him for?

- Tell you later.

- Well, this is madness.

- [Lucy] Oh you love it.

- I do not.

- Actually, can we quickly stop over at Rupert's?

He's only person I know

who's read more monster books that I have.

- [Carol] There's something wrong with that man.

- There are a lots of things wrong with him.

- [Dustin] Who's Rupert?

- Best childhood mate.

[door knocking]

[dog barking]

Rupert.

- Lucy.

- Santa's turned into a werewolf.

Might need your help to save Christmas.

[insects chirping]

- I'll grab my jacket.

[car engine revving]

- Anyone want a jelly ring?

How do we kill it?

- I'm not sure.

Got an ice skate.

- Where's the other one?

- I don't know, lost.

- I take it that blade's not pure silver.

- Obviously not.

- You need real silver to kill a werewolf.

- Yeah, I know.

- Look, we can't just kill it.

- Why not?

- 'Cause it's Father Christmas.

- That thing is not Father Christmas.

- It is, deep down.

But at least we'd be sure of killing him.

A werewolf can only be killed by someone who loves him.

And who doesn't love Father Christmas?

I must say Lucy,

you look better than you used to.

Pretty, almost.

- Thanks, I guess.

- [Dustin] Why are you wearing a suit, dude?

You just come from work or something?

- No, I was just at home, dude.

- It's just Rupert's thing.

Never seen him out of a suit.

- 'Cause I got style girl.

- Please, you look like a disgraced kids TV presenter.

[werewolf growling]

- [Rupert] How are you gonna do it, Luce?

- [Lucy] I'm gonna smash the ice skate

into the side of his head.

[werewolf growling]

- [Rupert] Luce.

- [Lucy] I can't do it.

[werewolf growling]

[glass breaking]

- [Dustin] Why has it run away?

- [Rupert] Not developed its killer instinct yet.

Inside he's still Santa.

- [Lucy] We'll get him next time.

- [Reporter] Footage has surfaced on social media

of this werewolf Santa,

in a local park, eating the heart out of a child's chest.

Local residents said they saw--

- [Dustin] Looks like he's found that killer instinct.

[window tapping]

- What happened to your eye?

- Night shifts can be tough.

Carol, what are you doing here?

- They asked me to drive.

I dunno what's going on there,

there's some horrible footage

of some child being eaten on their phones.

But all these sirens.

- Go home.

- We saw him, Dad.

We saw Santa get bit by that.

- Werewolf. - Yeah,

we were there when it happened.

So no police coverups.

- [Dustin] You are such a dickhead.

- You weren't there, Rupert.

- Yeah, maybe not.

But I have this video on my phone.

- Gimme that.

- [Rupert] Hey, police brutality.

- I'm deleting it.

- Go ahead.

It's everywhere anyway, on everyone's phone.

And I know about the UFO coverup in this town too.

They're hiding aliens in the old town Friar chip shop,

everyone knows it.

That's why the chips there tastes funny.

Radiation coming in under the door from the back room

where those things hide under big glass domes.

- [Dustin] Great.

So on top of everything else that's clearly fucked with you,

you're also that annoying conspiracy theory guy.

- Dad, I know how to kill the werewolf.

- This isn't a comic book, it's real.

And turn off that camera.

- What is, is all this real?

- Yes. - Yes.

They have silver bullets in the comics, Dad.

Same as you have.

I know everything.

- Lucy, what do you want?

- To document it.

Follow you around tonight.

You never know, you might need our help.

You don't know werewolves like I do.

[radio beeping]

- [Police Officer] You're the last person

with access to silver bullets.

No backup is coming

as they thought I was making this werewolf thing up

as a Christmas wind up.

- That's fine.

I have backup, from another division.

- Yes. - Yes.

- We're gonna be famous Luce,

you'll have like a billion followers.

- It's here, in front of me.

[police officer screaming]

- I may need some driving about.

- Oh really?

You just expect me to drive you about all night.

- That's not what I meant.

- Oh really?

Well, I'm not. - Mum, Dad,

I know you hate each other's guts,

but for now, we need to focus on the thing

with claws that wants to kill us all.

- She's right.

Anyway, for now, we'll have to investigate on foot.

- You can stay in the car if you want, mum.

- No, I don't want.

Not with a bloody werewolf on the loose.

I'm gonna tear my jumper.

- Don't be scared Dustin. - I'm not scared, dickhead.

- We need a plan.

- What, there's not a plan?

- [Rupert] My van.

- [Charlie] What?

- We need to get the werewolf to chase us to my house,

to my ice cream van.

Then lock it inside.

- [Dustin] And then what?

- I don't know, blow it up or something.

Call the army in to do it.

- [Dustin] Have them on speed dial, do you?

- Maybe.

- Your house, four miles away?

- Yeah, that sounds like a terrible plan.

- Like anyone else has a better one.

- Of fuck it, I left my ice skate in the car.

- Can everybody please just stop bloody swearing,

all the bloody time.

Okay, it's Christmas.

It's the birth. - Dad,

you've got your gun, right?

- I left it at home, I'll go back.

- No, we don't have time for that.

Plus we all need to stick together.

- It's a bit of a habit of his, forgetting his gun

when he's had a drink.

You wouldn't believe the amount of criminals who got away

because he left it at home.

- Wait, the police that perished are in these woods, right?

So we just need to find a dead cop with a gun,

as I take it, they'll be loaded with silver bullets.

- [Dustin] We best find one of those cops

before that thing finds us.

- Listen.

Sex.

There's people having sex.

- [Dustin] He's lost it.

I mean, instead of hearing voices, he's hearing sex sounds.

Knew he had a porn fried brain.

- I did hear that.

We all heard that, right?

- Doggers.

It's a popular place for it.

Busted doggers here for years.

- [Carol] Are you sure about this, Lucy?

- [Lucy] Yes, we have to save them.

- [Dustin] Don't be scared, Rupert.

[gentle upbeat music]

- [Charlie] Don't film this you pervert.

[gentle upbeat music]

- [Rupert] What's dogging?

- [Dustin] Seriously?

- Couples who like swinging the woods.

So I've read.

- [Charlie] Dustin.

- [Dustin] Oh fuck.

[gentle upbeat music]

- [Carol] Lucy.

[gentle upbeat music]

- Carol?

- [Carol] Roger.

Hello.

- You said you weren't coming this week.

Said your daughter was coming to stay.

- Yep.

Yep, she, she, she, she,

she is, she's here, she's,

she's there.

- Hello.

- Well, we're game if you are.

- No, no, that's not.

You all have to stop having sex

'cause there's a. - Are you the police.

- No, but my dad is.

Run, all of you run.

[werewolf growling]

[people moaning]

[gentle upbeat music]

[people screaming]

[werewolf growling]

[people screaming]

[car alarm blaring]

[werewolf growling]

[car alarm blaring]

- Oh God, I saw a penis.

Oh God, tell me that wasn't a penis.

- Gimme the camera.

- [Dustin] Lucy.

- [Carol] Lucy, no.

[gentle upbeat music]

- Right, I'm getting the fuck outta here.

It's been fun,

spending part of Christmas with your family, Luce.

I'll call you.

- [Lucy] Stop being such a square, it's an adventure.

- [Carol] Both of you, come on.

- [Dustin] I'll leave you a better woman.

In some part, I think it's a short time we spent together.

- [Lucy] Please.

Tell the world that you're a coward.

- I'm no longer an extra.

I feel I need to get off my chest,

the fact I got kicked out of the band, months ago.

They thought I was a bit of a square too.

- [Lucy] I know, I follow them on Instagram.

- Got an interview at KFC next week.

- Ah good luck.

- Rupert, go and deepthroat an ice cream cone.

- [Lucy] You're just a frightened little puppy.

- Guys, be quiet. - Every dog has its day.

- Oh fuck.

[werewolf growling]

- [Lucy] Why are you crying?

- He was a great guy.

- [Lucy] What?

- You're crying too.

- Dad, tell Mum Dustin will live.

- Sounds like the werewolf's gone.

- What, we're just, we're just standing here like,

like lemmings on a,

I don't know what the expression is.

Where the hell are we, anyway?

- I'm not really sure.

- Charlie, don't tell me we're lost.

- I know the way out.

- Oh Charlie!

I've heard it all before.

We spent bloody hours on the boiling hot streets of Italy,

wandering around looking for a hotel

when apparently he knew the way.

And I got really bad sun stroke.

Do you remember that?

- Fondly.

- It was a really nice holiday though,

wasn't it, in Italy, in the end.

And I really love those tiny little Speedos

that you wore on the beach.

- [Lucy] Mum, please.

- You didn't look half bad yourself.

- [Lucy] Rupert, you're gonna have to film from now on.

- It would be my honor.

- [Carol] Oh, I dunno, Lucy,

maybe we should just go back for that gun.

- Rupert, I can feel when the camera's on my arse.

We don't have time, mum.

- [Rupert] We're fine.

It's way over there.

- Yeah, but there's more than one werewolf.

The one that bit Santa is out there somewhere too.

- [Charlie] Lucy, maybe you should just go home.

- [Lucy] He looks like lasagne.

- [Rupert] That shouldn't make me hungry, but it does.

- Rupert, that's disgusting.

- [Rupert] I only had a mince pie today.

- We are back at the sleigh, listen, sleigh bells.

[sleigh bells ringing]

- What happened to the reindeer?

- [Lucy] He's eaten them.

- Oh.

[werewolf howling]

Maybe the werewolf's lost too.

- I don't think so.

He's coming this way.

- [Rupert] I make a fine lasagne soon.

[all panting]

- We need to play dead.

Everyone lie down next to Dustin's body, get really close.

- [Carol] I can't.

I can't even look at it.

- Mum, Dad, Rupert, trust me, it'll work.

Rupert, keep rolling.

We might get real with this thing.

- Carol. - Oh God.

- Mum, get really close,

and no bloody twitching or anything.

- Wolves are super smart,

if it senses we're alive, we won't be.

- Oh God, it still looks really strange.

Okay, just grab some guts outta Dustin's chest

and rub them over yourselves like you've been mauled.

- What?

Oh no, what are you doing?

No.

Just the thought of it.

[Carol gagging]

- Mum.

- This is a health and safety nightmare.

- Mum quickly.

- This is my favorite Christmas jumper, okay.

It's from Harrods.

Fine.

I've just got my nails done.

Okay.

It's stuck.

- [Lucy] Pull harder.

- I feel something really gooey.

- [Lucy] Shh.

[werewolf growling]

- [Rupert] He is trying to fly the sleigh

with a bunch of dead reindeer.

You said werewolves were smart.

- In general, yes.

Looks like the Santa Claus part of it

that wants to deliver toys

is still active in there somewhere.

- [Carol] Oh God, that can't be hygienic, can it?

All those body parts shoved in a sack like that?

- Yay, it's a policeman.

- [Charlie] Where?

- There.

[flies buzzing]

- Oh, he'd only been with us a week.

- [Rupert] Oh, it's not all bad.

How many bullets inside his gun?

[flies buzzing]

- Three.

- Failing finding any other policeman, that's our lot then.

[gun cocking]

- Leave it to me.

Needs to be a clean shot to the heart.

Have to get in pretty close.

[flies buzzing]

- [Carol] Oh, let me guess.

- Forgot my glasses. - Oh.

- First time that ever happened.

Seriously.

Think you can take the shot?

We won a lot of cuddly toys.

- Yeah but years ago.

- Just have to be careful of the catch, it can be tricky.

- [Rupert] No way.

[Lucy gasping]

You know you have to pull the trigger, right?

[werewolf growling]

- [Carol] Lucy, no!

- [Rupert] Lucy!

- It's okay, it's okay.

He's wounded.

- [Rupert] Lucy.

- I know, I know, it's just, it's Santa Claus

and it just kind of throws you.

I'll be the person responsible for shooting S--

We'll get him next time.

- Right, give me that, just give me the gun, okay.

I'm going to finish this.

[gun firing]

- You just wasted one of our only three bullets.

- Yeah.

Well, at least I'm not afraid to use this.

- [Charlie] Crazy bloody woman.

- Oh great, it's gone.

[werewolf howling]

- It's following the church bells.

Church bells ringing out like a dinner bell for that thing.

Well is everyone at the service?

Half the town.

The baker, Happy Harry the hairdresser,

the lollipop lady that stood at that crossing forever,

families.

- It is gonna be okay.

Look, Lucy, it's snowing.

Everything's better when it snows.

- Didn't I read somewhere that the lollipop lady

was a bit of a pedo?

- They're all pedos.

- Might be.

- What?

- No seriously.

- Every single person that goes to that church?

- Everyone knows there's a secret pedo ring in this town

and that they all congregate at the church.

It's their cover.

A place where they can meet and say stuff in code.

The vicar's most likely in charge of it all.

When he says John 9:6, what he's really saying is,

meet you all outside the school at midnight.

- Yeah, makes sense that a church full of people

would turn up outside an empty school

in the middle of the night.

- Yeah, no, yeah.

- Stop talking shit Rupert.

Pedos or not, we have to get to that church

before they all arrive,

provided that we can find a way out of here.

- [Rupert] We're searching the back streets of Hastings

in pursuit of a werewolf.

Best Christmas ever.

- [Lucy] Ssh! I heard a howl.

- Mum, what are you doing?

- As you can see, it's a red light.

- There's a bloody werewolf on the loose, run it.

- I'm not running a red light, it's not right.

- Mum, you go dogging.

- For God's sake, Carol, I'm the chief constable,

run the light.

- It'll turn green any second now.

[gentle music]

Now it's green.

I only went dogging once.

- Yeah, right.

Can you at least speed up a bit this time please.

- We're going 30 just like the sign read.

- Mum, where are going, you've driven passed the car park.

- I'm trying to turn the car around

so we can get back into the town center, darling.

Do you know what?

It was very hurtful what you said to me earlier,

that we don't have anything in common.

What about last Christmas Eve hey?

We both loved watching that film, you know,

with Hugh Grant being the prime minister.

- I was pretending,

I was dying to watch the horror film the whole time.

Mum, this is a dead end.

You just have to stop and reverse.

- Damn it, I thought it had an exit onto the main road.

- Oh great.

Just reverse already.

- Does anyone have any change?

- No. - No.

[gentle music]

- [Lucy] We have to let him in and unlock the door?

- [Charlie] There isn't room.

- [Lucy] He'll die.

What about the boot?

- [Charlie] I'm not risking my life going out there

to shove a tramp in the bloody boot.

- Fine, I need the gun then Mum.

- Yep, it's.

I put it in the cup holder. - Oh my God, quickly, Mum.

[werewolf growling]

- [Tramp] Hey.

- Oh my God.

[werewolf growling]

- There's an eyeball on my car.

I have a dead tramps eyeball on my car.

- What do we do? Does anyone have a plan?

- We just drive really fast and it'll fall off.

- I'm speechless.

- Then you get out really fast and shoot it.

- Oh do I?

Thanks a bunch, Dad.

- It's your web show, wouldn't want to steal your limelight.

- God, what is it doing up there?

- Stuffing its face with whatever's left of the poor guy.

- Right. Here goes nothing.

[werewolf growling]

[car engine revving]

- I can't believe that worked.

- [Charlie] You were saying, Lucy.

- Let's cancel Christmas.

I'm gonna finish him.

[werewolf growling]

- [Carol] What's happening?

I can't see.

I can't see anything.

- He's down.

[werewolf growling]

No, he's up again.

Fuck. - Fuck.

- We could just leave it,

all go home and sit it out until the moon goes down

and he hopefully turns back.

- By which time half the town could have been eaten.

No, it's not right.

[gentle music]

[werewolf growling]

Holy fuck.

- My baby, wait, wait.

[baby crying]

- Hey, no, no.

Hey.

[werewolf growling]

[gun firing]

[werewolf growling]

[baby crying]

- [Rupert] Lucy, I hate ghost trains at the best of times,

let alone ones with actual real life werewolves inside.

- One last bullet, mustn't miss.

- [Rupert] Well, we don't have to go in there.

- Yes we do.

- [Rupert] So, so what are you waiting for?

- I'm scared, okay.

Oh, come on.

- [Rupert] I can't.

I'm sorry, I really can't this time, Lucy.

I'll meet you back in the car.

- Rupert, don't make me tell everyone

what you did with that donut when you were super horny.

- [Rupert] Ladies first.

- Is that real?

- [Rupert] I do not even wanna know.

- That's fucking helpful.

[machine ghosts laughing]

[piano keys clink]

- [Rupert] Sorry.

[machine monster growling]

Lucy, was that a sound effect?

- I think so, yeah.

[baby crying]

- [Rupert] Why is there nothing happening?

- I don't know and I don't like it.

[werewolf howling]

- [Rupert] Okay that one sounded real.

- I just trod on something.

Feels like a hand.

[gentle upbeat music]

- [Rupert] Oh.

Come on, let's go.

[gentle upbeat music]

[Lucy screaming]

- [Rupert] Lucy, shoot him.

- [Lucy] It's jammed, it won't fire.

[werewolf growling]

No.

Oh come on.

[Lucy panting]

[werewolf growling]

- Strange way to die.

- We're not going to die.

[werewolf growling]

- If we don't die,

can we have sex?

You can cover your eyes if you want to, it's just.

- No.

- Do you have any mates who might be up for it?

- No.

You're just gonna have to turn gay.

- Do you know any guys who might be up for it?

- Rupert.

You think we might actually die?

- I love you.

- Thanks.

I love you too, I guess.

- I didn't really have sex with that jam donut,

it was a rumor.

- Whatever.

They found the jam donut

on your. - No, it was

a cream filled donut.

They sell them in the bakers,

you can check their website. - Rupert,

it really doesn't matter right now.

- Huh?

The camera.

[werewolf growling]

[Lucy screaming]

- [Lucy] Dad, this fucking gun doesn't fucking work.

[Carol screaming]

Drive. - Oh God, oh God.

- It works.

You just have to release the catch like this.

You're bleeding.

- Lucy, you're getting blood all over my seats.

Look, just take this and wrap it on your wrist, darling.

- It won't help.

I got bit.

Oh, that's all fixed.

- Now you listen to me.

You are not turning into a werewolf okay.

And that's, that's that.

- How long do you think 'til I turn?

- You need to keep out of the moonlight, might delay it.

And make sure you don't look directly into the moon.

Best to keep your face covered

with that stinky leather jacket of yours.

- It doesn't smell.

- Actually Mum, stop.

Turn the car around.

Mum, stop.

I will jump out, I swear.

- Do you have a death wish?

- I can't just give up.

I have to end this.

- Look, I think you really need to start

growing up. - I don't care what you think.

Turn the car around.

[car engine revving]

[bells ringing]

- [Rupert] I think it's inside.

- I don't know what to think anymore.

- Now don't you speak like that.

Listen to me.

It's all gonna be okay.

All right, I just, I just know it is.

- Even for someone who hates Christmas,

I just wanted it to be a bit more Christmassy than this.

It's meant to be mulled wine and Bond films and family.

- I'm sorry.

- It was my fault you two divorced.

I heard you saying how hard it was to take care of me.

I'm sorry.

- No.

No darling.

Me and your dad.

We just, we just fell out of love.

- It isn't true, Carol.

Look however this night ends,

I have a question to ask.

Rupert gave me a jelly ring earlier

and it's just been sat here warm in my pocket.

- Where is it?

- [Charlie] He's in the grotto.

- He's crawled in there to die.

But I can't finish him off.

I can't kill Santa Claus.

I need you to use this last bullet on me.

I'm starting to change.

I can feel it.

Get away from me.

[Lucy gasps]

- [Carol] Do something!

- Moonlight's got into her blood now.

Not much we can do.

- [Lucy] How come you know so much about werewolves?

- Killed a bunch of them during a full moon.

The werewolves living in Hastings

were the last ones in the world.

Wanting to put an end to it all and drunk on cheap scotch,

I went on a silver bullet rampage in their cave,

killed every single one of them.

The last one put up a hell of a fight,

was some kind of leader.

- The alpha werewolf.

- Well, whatever the term is, he was a mean bastard.

- [Rupert] Could've saved yourself a lot of hard work.

If you just killed the alpha werewolf first,

all the others would've turned back to normal forever.

- Huh, you learn something new every day.

- You're a werewolf.

All the steaks and night shifts.

You killed it.

But it got you first, didn't it?

Don't you understand, Dad,

you are the alpha because you killed the last one.

An alpha with no pack.

- I'm completely confused.

- Dad's a werewolf.

- That would explain a lot.

- No really he is.

In theory, if he dies, I'd be okay again.

And so would Santa.

- [Carol] Well, he looks completely normal.

Where's all the hair?

- [Rupert] Only the alpha werewolf can change at will.

You can control it, can't you?

- Each full moon, when I feed,

I can turn into the wolf in an instant and turn right back.

Like earlier today, that poor man in the park.

But Santa Claus was a bit of a tough guy,

he gave me the black eye.

- Oh my God.

- If your comic says me dying will save the day, so be it.

That last silver bullet has my name written all over it.

- It might not work,

it could just be something someone made up.

- No, it's worth a try, Lucy.

Could put an end to all of this for good.

I was the only werewolf left.

Very easy covering up murders

when you're the chief constable.

Won't be so easy for you.

- [Rupert] He's right Luce, just kill him already.

It's getting late and the camera battery's about to die.

- Turn off that camera.

- No, keep rolling.

How can we be sure there are no other werewolves out there?

- A victim would have to survive the attack.

Your hash cookies triggered a feeding frenzy

that left zero heartbeats.

Please, Lucy, take me outta my misery.

Your mum out of hers.

You out of yours.

This town, out of its.

- But you're my dad.

- I'm the guy who cheated on your mother.

Broke her heart with some woman

whose name I can't even remember.

Some town tramp with a cop fantasy.

You know what,

you were right.

You did cause the divorce

'cause you were a mistake.

- [Carol] Don't listen to him.

- You're still a waste of space.

Hiding behind some bright red hair,

like it's some kind of substitute for a personality.

You ruined our lives.

Just as every day you set about ruining your own.

You just fuck everything up.

Do the right thing for once.

[gentle music]

[Lucy crying]

Imagine that this is just out of a comic book.

None of this is real.

[gentle music]

Well, at the very least, forgive your mum,

if she seems a little overbearing at times.

Because she's had to put up with a hell of a lot from me.

She has the biggest heart

and I'm about to eat it right out of her chest.

[Carol screaming]

[werewolf growling]

[Lucy screaming]

[gun firing]

Don't.

[both crying]

- Oh Lucy.

Isn't he supposed to turn back to normal?

- Maybe he did.

Santa.

- Where am I?

- It's been quite a night.

Do you remember anything?

- Good Lord, I remember its wild eyes as it leapt out at me.

Are the reindeer okay?

[gentle upbeat music]

♪ Here comes Santa Claus

♪ Here comes Santa Claus

♪ Right down Santa Claus Lane

[gentle upbeat music]

♪ Vixen and Blitzen

- So here we are, a year on,

and Santa will be back to work as normal tonight.

This I know for a fact, as for the first time ever,

he sent me a letter,

thanking me for saving Christmas, no less.

And people have been making and sending me

these really cool cards.

They're even selling them in shops.

And I got this cool scar on my hand as a reminder

of everything that happened last year.

Thought I would share that

with my 103 new YouTube followers.

Oh my God, Mum, just come in

and stop pretending you don't wanna be on camera.

- [Carol] I don't wanna be on the camera.

- You love it.

- Come on Santa, let's go and see Lucy-Lu.

- Anyone for a mini donut.

- No, not for me, thanks.

- I'm good.

Oh Lucy, this room needs tidying.

- Yes I know.

- Well when are you gonna do it?

♪ Here comes Santa Claus

- Listen, sleigh bells, it's him.

♪ Down Santa Claus Lane

♪ He doesn't care if you're rich or poor ♪

♪ He loves you just the same

♪ Santa Claus

[dramatic music]

- Santa and his sleigh just got sucked up into a UFO.

[gentle upbeat music]

♪ Here comes Santa Claus

- He just blasted off, Lucy, you missed it.

[dramatic music]

Told you there were aliens.

[gentle music]

[wind howling]

[sleigh bells ringing]

[wind howling]