Original subtitles

Sophie, find me the number for Eon Power.

Do you want me to search Facebook for Eon Power?

Search Eon.

Do you want me to search for Sea Urchin?

Sea Urchin?

You've only had that phone for five minutes and already you're in a

dysfunctional relationship.

This phone is deaf.

Probably scared of you, cos it found out you smashed your last one by jumping up

and down on it. Why did they let you have another one after that?

That lied to them.

Not a lie, exactly. Just a white lie.

It was carried off by a raven.

OK, I panicked. I was aiming for something where they think no -one could

made that up.

Hang on.

I was sitting there.

Yeah, well, I'm sitting here now, so tough.

Oh!

Dad, can I use the computer to do my cyberbullying homework?

What's a good old -fashioned bullying?

It's a lost art.

There's nobody on their head stuffed down the toilet anymore.

All they do is actually, they get a picture of someone with their head down

toilet, and they Photoshop your face, they animate it, and then they upload it

to YouTube.

Hey, mind my teeth. You're going to knock over your zimoprane.

The biggest muscles you have got are in your hair.

The old silverback is ejected from the family group.

I'll take you on next.

I could snap you in half like a twig.

Don't stop the mindless violence for me.

How's Grandad?

Oh, he's still very poorly, darling.

Did he recognise you?

Well, yeah.

But as someone who worked in a bar in Korea.

Obviously, they were very close.

And this is still in danger.

Could still go either way, little.

I'll put the kettle on.

Thanks.

I was right to ring Angela, wasn't I?

You had to.

And we've got to have that big talk with her anyway.

Oh, I'm looking forward to that.

Oh, God, Auntie Angela's coming.

I wonder what strange bloke she'll have in tow this time.

Yeah, the psychotic psychiatrist.

The secretly gay Mexican lumberjack and the delusional stone -balancing

accountant.

Oh, and there was that one who was really weird.

She's got religion now.

I thought she did religion.

You know, in between being a Maoist and a fruitarian. Yeah, but that was just

Buddhism. That doesn't count. She just chanted and shot in monsoon.

Where's Ben?

Spartacus, the musical.

It's the dress rehearsal tonight.

He's been practising non -stop.

I just hope he hasn't wrecked his voice.

How? He sounds like a sea lion stuck down a mine shaft.

Hi, Sue.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad.

Stacey, hello.

Yeah.

Stacey's come back for a couple of days before she flies to Greece.

How lovely.

At least there's some good news.

So you chose Greece?

Yep. There's got to be some bargains there since the economy tanked. Make an

offer on the Acropolis.

There's a hill with a temple on it.

In Athens.

Which is in Greece.

Oh, cool. Right, I'm just going to go deflate.

Have you never heard of a hotel?

There's quite a lot of things you've never heard of.

My favourites are the Vietnam War, typewriters and Norway.

I'm sorry, Sue. She's my goddaughter. I couldn't turn her away.

Yeah, and Ben will slip back into his testosterone coma.

I'll get that tea. Oh, you made it already?

Karen's been really nice to me.

Well, to everyone.

I think maybe the pennies dropped since she had that talk with the headmistress.

And I don't see respect.

How long has it been since you've had one of those?

Father Christmas?

Actually, didn't she call him Fatso in a red dress when she got the wrong bear?

Yeah. It'd be a shame if she lost her essential Karen -ness.

I know I shouldn't say this, but I think we may have finally got to a point

where they're all, you know, OK.

Yeah.

You OK?

I'm all right.

I held Dad's hand and had a bit of a blob.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's best if he doesn't pull through.

I wouldn't want for him to get, like, some of that lot in the home.

Oh, God.

One day it'll be our kids having a conversation like this about us.

They'd have packed us off to that place in Switzerland long before that.

I've got my place back on the sofa, sucker!

Jake? You got a text from Alex.

OK, don't look at it!

I think you're so funny.

Karen, why are you in bed?

Because I'm in the kitchen.

I think her Karen -ness is still intact.

Ben,

the front door is not your enemy.

How was the dress?

Terrible.

Well, that's probably... I've just let Auntie Angela in, and a man, and I'm

going straight to bed.

Angela!

Hi. You're here. I landed three hours ago and rushed straight to the care

which I had just come from, and where Dad did fine.

Fine?

He's seriously ill.

He was watching the boxing.

He's watching the boxing? Are you sure? Well, the boxing was on the television

and he was watching it.

Well, that's great.

Yes, it is great.

Though from your phone call, I wasn't sure I'd even get here in time.

Still, that's a relief, isn't it?

Well, I was at the care home three or four hours ago, and honestly, he was

seriously ill.

Could go either way, they said.

You've got a suitcase, is that it? I rushed straight here, Pete.

I left halfway through an exorcism.

I didn't have time to book a hotel.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Hello,

Aunty Angela. How are you?

I'm fine.

Thank you, Karen.

This is Tommy.

Tommy? He came over to support me. Because I expected a situation serious

to need support.

You've got a really cool home.

Thank you. I have a hamster called Tommy, but he's stuck under the

and Dad won't take him up.

Karen? It's two and a half months since you did a runner.

What would he have lived off since then? The hamster food that I pushed through

the floorboards.

Well, that would explain the smell.

I thought that was Tommy.

Yeah.

No, not you.

Sorry, I didn't mean you. Look, I have come 7 ,000 miles.

Perhaps we could stop disgusting hamsters.

Right, so the antibiotics they've given him have kicked in and he's taken a

sudden turn for the better.

Well, I know.

Because I've just come from there.

As I just informed you.

Well, here we are again.

Anyone like a cup of tea?

Auntie Angela?

You're offering me tea? Yes.

Thank you.

Biscuits?

Yes.

Okay.

What was all that about?

Sorry? She's being nice to me. It's unnerving.

It's a phase she's going through.

It's a good phase. She's a great kid.

And your dad, Sue, must have been a great guy.

He still is.

I don't know why he's in that hideous home.

All those old people being old. With their old, poor smell and...

Don't you think he knew who you were, did he?

No, actually he did. Really?

He held my hand.

He'll hold anybody's hand.

Cleaners have complained.

He smiled and whispered, Ange.

Here we are.

Nice cup of tea.

Thank you.

Sure he said Ange.

Sure he didn't say... It was Ange.

Because he makes the... noise quite a lot.

He said Ange, didn't he?

Yeah. Yeah, he did say...

What's she said?

Recognises me as well.

Totally. Did he say your name? Says my name all the time. So he recognises

everyone. That's just splendid.

But there is something else that we do need to talk about.

Hiya.

Um, this is my goddaughter, Stacey. This is Angela and Tommy.

Stacey's staying with us until she heads off to Greece.

Very soon.

Travelling the world, eh? Yeah.

Oh, God, Sue, do you remember just before you went to uni and I took you

the Greek islands and we lived on Retsina and slept on the beach under the

stars? Well, I slept on the beach under the stars.

You slept in a taverna with that Greek waiter you'd met.

Oh, Hercules!

The one who had the brother who liked you?

Yeah.

The obese 50 -year -old one -legged epileptic brother chasing you all over

island.

Well, he tried to.

Sisters, eh?

You can't beat them. No, but you can kick them.

Probably we should just all head up to bed.

OK, just for tonight, Stacey, you'll have to go in with Karen. OK.

Jake can go in with Ben, and Angela and Tommy, you can go in Jake's room.

Assuming, that is, you'd like to share a room.

Why wouldn't we?

Well, I don't know the nature of your relationship.

Is this to do with our difference in age?

No, not at all. So I shall put you in the same room.

Tommy's born again like me.

We met at Sunday school.

Was he still at Sunday school? Probably an adult at Sunday school.

Yeah.

We'll head up to your upstairs, which I'm sure is as great as your downstairs.

Well, that could have gone worse.

She doesn't appear to be wanted by Interpol.

There hasn't been any physical violence yet.

Do you think she came over purely to show off her step for Toyboy?

I don't know.

So, how long do you think this relationship will last? I do not

question. Hang on, I haven't got the hang of this yet.

I can hear a hamstery noise in the wall.

There's no such thing as a hamstery noise.

You should check it out. Thank you. We'll just rip out the filly kitchen,

I, in the search for...

Dead, domesticated vermin. You shouldn't talk to her like that.

It's OK, it's what he does.

Look, Karen, I'm sorry, but he's gone.

Hiya! Hi.

How was your dad this morning?

Yeah, yeah, a lot better. Sitting up, eating.

As you mentioned to the staff about the Britain's Got Talent thing. Britain's

Got Talent? Why he confuses Amanda Holden with Ava Braun, I've absolutely

idea, but it is safer to keep him out of the TV room on a Saturday night.

Is everyone else?

We're still asleep.

Teenagers, eh?

I wasn't including Tommy in that, by the way. Just Ben, Jake and Stacey.

Tommy's obviously not even close to being a teenage.

You can't help yourself, can you?

For the sake of your dad, it

is very important that you don't get into a confrontation. You were worse

me last time. The time before?

Oh, not that.

Honestly, you kick your sister up the arse at a wedding once and no one lets

forget it.

What?

Oh, I thought I heard scratching above the oven. That's all to his suggestion.

He's not there.

Hello, Star.

I'm not playing Spartacus tonight.

What? The dresser hassle was awful.

Well, it can't have been that bad. I walked across the sea, I poked the

in the eye with the trident, and I fell off the cross.

I'm not doing it.

Ben?

Ben.

And look, it is perfectly natural to be nervous before a big show like this. But

you know what they say, once you've fallen off the horse, you have to get

straight back on.

How do you know I fell off a horse? You fell off a horse?

Yeah, Zach and Ibrahim, they were having a fight inside the costume.

Well, look, anyway... The dresser has to go then.

Yeah, great.

Fantastic. You're going to be fab.

Right, I need to go and Google Greece some more. Did you know they invented

civilisation?

Heads off to the creeks, eh?

Listen, you are the lead. I'm not doing it.

In my phone. No.

Angela, listen.

There is a serious problem with Dad and the home.

All his savings have run out. All of them?

Hey, guys.

And as we're quite stretched, what we'd like to suggest is that we go half and

half.

Oh.

Now I see.

That's why you tricked me into coming over.

No, we didn't.

Surely, if his money's run out, the government will pay. They've got to do

Well, possibly, but then we'd have to move him out of the place he's been in

into a cheaper home, and that would... Look, I care about him such a few.

But what difference does it make where he lives if he doesn't know who anybody

is? Well, he does, because he called you Ange.

Yeah. See, that's not very helpful at the moment. The point is... I don't know

why you put him in there in the first place.

It's depressing.

Full of all those...

Old people. It's an old people's home. You can't have an old people's home

without old people. It's creepy.

It was kind of creepy.

Look, the point is... Pete, I think we're just going to have to trap it in

mercy of the Lord on this one.

I don't think the home will accept that as collateral.

You know what's great? Is that you guys are all talking.

Now she's gone out.

No, that was Ben. He's having a meltdown.

He's gone for a walk.

He's probably exaggerating. He couldn't have been that bad.

No, he was. I've been on Facebook.

But people like these little mistakes in a school production.

Mum, when the Romans asked which one of you is Spartacus, all the other

gladiators just pointed at him.

Can you change the channel, please? The guy with the vegetable nose is freaking

me out.

That's Bob the Builder. And Spud's supposed to have a carrot nose because

scarecrow. Bob.

I don't know why they even show people with vegetable noses on TV. I know this

is not natural. Can you change the channel, please?

Bob.

Angela,

I know you're hiding in there. I have very little, Sue.

I'm like a gypsy just wandering from place to place.

But you've got all this stuff.

A big house. A big second mortgage.

Come on, Angela.

Tifty -fifty.

You know you were always his favourite.

Look, Sue.

Ah!

Oh, Jesus, Sue.

There's a rat in your bathroom. He came up with a hole behind the toilet.

He sure wasn't a hamster.

Well, he didn't have his bloody wheel.

I've got my keys.

You OK?

Thanks.

I have heard you rehearse all the songs, and you are really good.

Mr Wilson, four doors down.

You said you have a very distinctive voice.

I know all the lines, and it's just when I try and say them, my brain stops.

Like a frozen laptop.

And I can't just turn myself off and on again.

Everyone I know is going to be there.

You, Stacey.

Google magazine's going to write a review on it.

You mustn't worry about the critic.

Every interview you read with an actor before a brilliant performance, they're

always worried that they're going to get crucified.

Well, I am going to get crucified.

If I don't fall to the cross again.

I'm not going to do this.

Well, that's a big decision. And it's your decision.

But you need to tell Mr Farthingwell.

Can you ring him for me?

No.

You have to ring him.

You all right, Auntie?

I've got to get out of this rat -infested house.

Your mum and dad keep having a go at me.

I think they're right about Grandad and the money for the home.

Oh, Jake, you're turning into them.

God, you really do need to get away.

Travel the world.

Work as a cowboy.

Swim the Bosphorus.

Have your heart broken by a nitro -resistant.

Yeah, but...

Does all sound quite dangerous.

Where are you going on your gap year?

Um, well, I'm not.

Is this them stopping you? No, only because Mum thought I shouldn't.

I'm sorry,

I just can't.

She's just going to keep running away.

What in God's name are we going to do now?

You are a menace with that thing. I've got to let Jake go on a gap year.

What? Why are we suddenly talking about this?

Let him live.

I never said that you'd stop me going. Travel is the best degree you can get.

Well, to employers, it's the equivalent of sociology at Bolton. Oh, your world

is so tiny.

Everyone should have a gap year. Your whole life is a gap year.

You see, Jake, you've got to escape these mediocrities.

They're not mediocre.

They're... ordinary.

Thank you.

I think.

I spoke to Mr. Filingwell.

Yeah? I said I'd do it as long as I don't have to be watched by the

Oh, that is brilliant. Well done, Ben. You will be brilliant tonight.

I've been sick.

Oh, that's perfectly normal. Loads of performers do that before a show.

In the fireplace.

All right, well, don't worry. I'll clear that up.

Out of the bottom of the stairs.

OK, that's fine.

Look, we have to sort out about her.

I simply don't have the money.

You do have the money. You blew it up class.

Jake found the ticket stops.

We were upgraded from the premium economy.

And now we have to be on our way. Angela, you can't keep running away. You

a responsibility to your family.

Why? Why do we have responsibilities to our families?

Because they're... there.

Families are just like strangers you get fucking a lift with.

Dad, it might be Tommy.

Scratchy. Hey, guys.

We need to pack. We're going to the airport.

Oh, you know what, Angie?

I might stay in Europe. Do a bit of traveling.

Traveling? Yeah.

You cool with that?

Well, yes.

Obviously. Travel is the best degree you can get.

That's so true.

Where were you thinking of going traveling?

Oh, around Greece, maybe.

Same day.

Yeah, yeah, I'm just going to take a look around Europe. You know, see the

Parthenon, the pyramids. The pyramids aren't in Europe.

They're in Africa.

Oh, Stacey said they were.

You sure you're cool with this?

Absolutely.

Very cool indeed.

Totally chilled.

Perhaps we could discount this upstairs while I pack.

I'm good here.

Well, I'll be.

Call me.

It is, right?

Tell me. Yeah?

It really doesn't matter.

Angela, you can't just... It's not fair you ambushing me like this. It's not

fair Dad's in a home. It's not fair he doesn't know who I am. It's not fair he

stopped being him. What is fair about any of it?

Do you want me to look up Pharaoh Boatwitch? Could you stop leaning on

effing button?

Listen, I am not wired for all these petty practicalities. If he's ill again,

don't call me. It doesn't help him. Just let me know when it's... when it's all

over.

Tommy, I could always take you to see the paralytic.

Yeah, thanks, but I kind of need to do some stuff on my own.

Yes, of course.

No problem.

Get him. No.

We caught Tommy.

We can do nothing about my dad.

But we do have a hamster.

Way to go, team.

Have you caught him?

Oh, you've caught him!

Oh, hi!

Oh, thank you so much, Dad.

Oh, thanks, Jake.

OK.

Oh, so are you feeling left out? Do you want a hug?

No, you don't, do you?

Front row?

Yeah.

Otherwise we won't be able to see anything when they all start holding

bloody phones up in the air.

Sorry about earlier, by the way.

Stacey's Australian.

She's used to swearing.

And the threat you made wasn't really a threat.

Because you posed it as a question.

A rhetorical question, in fact, because she wouldn't have wanted you to do what

you said.

Just a lot of them. Do you know what? I'm just going to sit here and I'm going

to enjoy watching my son... Um... What?

Well, where are these things chickened out again?

Oh, but he spoke to Mr Farthingwell.

Apparently, some kid's going to play Spartacus holding a script.

Oh, God, no.

Where's Karen?

Oh, there you are.

I'm scared.

But you like being scared.

You're the boy who eats cheese just before bed to give himself nightmares.

Yeah, but those nightmares are in my head, not in front of 300 people and a

Mary. Is she the one with the bling?

Yeah. Well, you can't without.

You know I just keep bringing it up in arguments. You're making it too easy for

me.

Well, Spartacus, I think you should do it.

Why? Because you'll be good.

Have you ever said anything nice to me before?

No, I don't think I have.

Better try and find Ben.

What next? A plague of locusts?

Frogs? Raining?

What's this?

Auntie Angela said to give it to you.

Once she was airborne.

It's a check.

Bloody hell.

God, that's going to keep Dad going for ages.

I had a word with her. I've set her straight. Why's she done this? Well,

paying this off so she doesn't have to see him again and be reminded that she's

next in line.

Did she say that?

No, but I am doing A -level psychology.

Ladies and gentlemen, I just need to make an announcement about a late

This is it.

The sea battle now involves strobe lighting, so...

Please be aware if you're prone to the fifth.

Also, anyone with a fear of crocodiles should probably miss the start of part

two. Enjoy the show.

Who

will

pay to see me fight?

I told him Stacey would be horribly disappointed if he didn't go on.

She's not coming now.

He doesn't know that.

Sorry. Well, that's the answer to our problems.

Just let the kids sort everything out.

What about now, Lavinia? Will you kiss me now?

No, I'm not a liar.

We'll beat you like Hannibal. Your legions are tired and your warships are

ramable. We're not for hire and we're just not bannable. Our hearts are on

and your houses are flammable.

No, I'm Spartacus. Wait, sorry.