Original subtitles

What did it well go?

Yes.

Just in time for that massacre.

Hiya. What are you up to?

Ah, you know, hard at it.

Just getting stuck into some odd jobs.

Don't forget that Dave is coming round to fix the central heating because

they're saying it could be minus seven tomorrow.

You're not going to do a joke about global warming, are you?

No. Good.

Because I heard three of those in the newsagents.

Karen should be back by five. And can you make sure she... Don't you worry.

Everything is under control.

OK. Bye.

Eh?

Oh, no.

No.

OK, Melissa, so, um, I've made a seating plan, so if you sit here... See?

Melissa. And, er, Judy, if you could sit here... Oh, come on.

Sorry, I spoke, take a sec.

Hello? My stupid phone has been storing up voicemails from hours ago.

That is one from Dave, the plumber, who is stuck on another job, so he needs me

to go and pick up the pump from the... pump place.

And the other one is from the garage saying that I have to pick up the car by

.30 today.

But they said tomorrow.

No, they are closing tomorrow.

It's a bank holiday on Monday.

Exactly. So if I don't shift my arse, we're going to have no heating and no

for three days.

Sorry, you're breaking up. I didn't hear that. Is there any chance of you

getting home for Karen? No!

This video conferencing thing is with a potential American client.

And... They've asked me to set it up and sit in on the discussions. They're

finally taking me seriously. They're not going to take me seriously if I have to

bunk off home and cook my daughter's fish fingers.

Tell Jake to cover Karen.

Sorry about that.

Okie dokie.

Let's get this Skype connection up and running.

I'm just going to ring IT.

Pick up.

Pick up. Ah, Jake.

Any chance of a lift?

What? I've lost my Oyster card and it looks like snow.

You've lost it?

Hang on, you don't have an Oyster card. You lost it last week.

Yeah, I took yours.

So when you say you've lost your Oyster card, what you mean is you've lost my

Oyster card.

Yeah. Bummer, eh?

Well, I can't give you a lift because I haven't got a car.

So you'll just have to buy a ticket. I can't do that. I've got no cash. You've

got no cash.

What kind of person...

Hold on a minute.

Hiya. Karen's just texted.

She's forgotten her key.

Jake is OK to let her in, isn't he?

Well... Someone has to let her in, Pete. If Mrs Delgado spots her freezing on

the doorstep, she'll report us to social services again.

No, she won't. She will, Pete.

There'll be interviews and spot checks and... Ben and the harpoon all over

again. Look, I will sort it.

Jake, listen, I've got to go fetch a pump and a car and I need someone to let

Karen in. I can probably make it home in time. Good man.

Provided I get a taxi.

I'm not paying for a... Hold on.

Yeah? Another text from Karen. The headmistress wants to be here so she's

kept back after school.

Splendid. Splendid?

No, obviously that's not splendid. No.

But it does take the pressure off a bit. Just leave it all with me. Okay.

Still there?

So, about this taxi, if... No taxi, Jake. You've got to use your own

You can't just keep forgetting stuff.

You need to be more organised.

You're 17 now. You're about to head out into the real world.

Come on, Tad. Car chat.

Got to ring Karen.

Come in, Karen.

I expect you'd like to turn that off, wouldn't you?

Yes, but it's very not... Eh?

Bloody predictive text. Why would I be sending a text to someone called Karma?

We have invented technology that is more impatient than we are.

Ah, Ben, listen. How quickly can you get home?

My name is Lee.

Sorry? My name is Lee. I find phone.

I'm sorry, this is a very bad... My name is Lee. I ring first number.

OK, I understand.

Where are you?

I am Lee.

Yes. Where are you? No, here.

Bad phone.

Listen, that is my son's phone. I tell him to come

find you.

Where are you?

I am Lee. Yes, I think we've established that.

So, Karen Brockman.

I've heard a lot about you, especially in the weekly staff meetings.

Now then, I understand you've been having a bit of trouble adapting to

school, and that's not unusual. Different children react in different

But I have to say, in my 19 years as a head, this is the first time I've had

one write a formal letter of complaint to the governors.

Do your parents know you wrote this?

No, I don't usually involve them in school stuff.

They just panic.

Well, Karen, I must congratulate you on a very thorough review of the school's

shortcomings. You've certainly saved Ofsted the bother of a visit.

I particularly like this very helpful list of all the rules you think are

I wonder if you'd be kind enough to talk me through your findings.

Read it to me.

Go on.

Number one, staff defect.

Hi, Dad.

Jake, listen, are you... I'm OK to get home now, thank you for asking.

Mikey lent me his oyster.

Good, good. Can you just nip back to the school and can you pop into Ben

Sparsky's rehearsal and tell him that a Chinese man called Li has found his

phone and is waiting for him in a cafe on the common? OK.

I'm going to whiz out just as soon... I can find my bloody key.

Oh, I've got those.

Well, where are your keys?

I wish I knew.

Why does this family lose everything? I'm going to start nailing things to

people's hands.

Nope, I didn't get that.

Your phone is so crap.

Just get back here to let Karen in, OK?

Specky, specky, specky.

Specky, specky, specky.

13.

The kitchen staff can get very rude if you ask them when they last washed their

hands.

14. Shall we take the remaining 12 points as read? We don't want your

voice getting tired, do we?

What was your primary school like, Karen? Was it small?

Small and friendly?

Quite small, yeah.

And I bet you got lots of gold stars, didn't you?

Because at primary school they dish out gold stars for... well, for breathing,

really.

But my job at this school is gradually to introduce children to the adult

So here we get judged on performance.

Now, how do you feel you've been performing, Karen?

I think my performance can improve in some areas.

That's good.

But I think some teachers have been under -marking me.

Oh, yes. Point number 24.

How are we doing? We sorted?

We're fine. Jake's on his way back. I'm lost at the garage. Everything is under

control. Mrs Delgado is looking at me. I'm giving her a friendly wave, as I

Burn in hell, you nosy cow.

I've never seen one do this before.

Yes, you have mentioned that.

What's the ECA, Brett? Only this meeting should have started three minutes ago.

Have you tried switching it off? Off and on again. Yes, I have, several times.

I am aware that this is a highly sophisticated piece of technology that

sometimes be fixed by randomly switching it off and on. I know.

It's weird, isn't it?

Yes, Jay? They wouldn't let me on the bus. Mikey's oyster had nothing on it.

gave you an oyster with no credit on it? He didn't know. It's his dad's oyster.

Oh, for... Did he give Ben that message? No, he wasn't there. The rehearsal got

cut short. Ben will probably be home by now, so if I get a cap, he could

probably pay for it when I get there.

Dad?

Dad?

Let me get this right, Frank.

You're calling us because we're paying too much for our electricity.

Jake's just texted you stranded. Who's going to be home for Karen? Have you

contacted her?

No, her phone's off. But look, I'll text her and tell her that the spare key's

in the big flower pot. It's illegal to leave an 11 -year -old at home on their

own. Yeah, but the phone's busy. I think Ben must be at home.

It's also illegal to leave a 13 -year -old in charge of an 11 -year -old.

Yeah, but it's less illegal.

Less illegal?

Yeah. Also, that 13 -year -old is Ben, a boy whose several insurance companies

have blacklisted.

I'll ring Janet over the road and see if she can cover till you or Jake gets

back. Fine. I'm nearly at the garage.

All right, ladies.

Looks like we're in business.

Sue? I've just got to... I won't be a tick. I've just...

Oh,

hi,

Janet.

Jane!

Oh!

Hello, Jane.

Do you know, actually, I rang you by mistake. I meant to ring somebody else.

meant to ring... No.

No, I haven't been in touch for a while. I'm sorry about that. Things have been

a bit... Eight months?

As long as that?

Yeah, well, as I say, things have... Have you?

Right.

Hello.

Good afternoon.

I've come to collect my car. My name's Brockman. Of course, they'll bring it

for you in a moment. Would you like a coffee?

No, thank you. Tea? Juice?

No, really, I'm... We have juice maker.

No, honestly, I'm fine. Help yourself to magazine.

Thanks. I am in a... One question.

What exactly is a direct debit?

No, okay, yeah. My parents are going to have to deal with this.

Oh, yeah, sorry, I'm only 13.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. I do have a deep voice.

It's actually why I was given the part for Spartacus in school.

Yeah, it's about the whole story of Spartacus.

Except now I don't get crucified because two RE teachers threatened to resign.

No, no, it doesn't mean you're a bad picker of men. It's... Uh -huh.

Listen,

Jane, it... Mm -hmm?

Cage fighter.

Uh -huh.

At least he wasn't as jihadist like the last one.

Oh, he was.

Right.

Listen, now's not a great... Don't cry.

Please. Don't cry.

Sorry to abandon you, Karen. Bit of an issue over whether someone's allowed to

throw a javelin whilst wearing a kneecap.

Perhaps you might like to mention that in your next missive to the

Biscuit?

Garibaldi's.

Tell me, Karen.

Do you like Roald Dahl?

Sorry? Have you read much Roald Dahl?

When I was younger, yeah.

And which was your favourite, was it Matilda? I bet it was.

Yeah, it was.

Yeah, Matilda.

A very special little girl who refuses to buckle under and so defeats all those

stupid grown -ups.

It's a great story.

Shall I tell you something, Karen?

I ban Roald Dahl.

He's probably ruined more children's lives than polio.

Ruined them with the ludicrous belief that all adults are stupid and can

routinely be outwitted by small children and the occasional fox.

What, Vicky?

I will call you back in a while, I promise.

You just relax and get on top of the hyperventilating thing.

OK, cos I really should be in a...

It's hard to know. These things are great when they work, aren't they?

You see, Karen, you're a kid and we're adults.

We outrank you.

We're stronger than you, we know more stuff than you and we can reach things

can't. And yes, we may sometimes come up with some stupid rules, but

nonetheless, them's the rules.

Not all of the grown -ups in Matilda were stupid.

Her form tutor, Miss Honey, was nice.

She let Matilda go and live with her.

In the real world, dear, Miss Honey would be sacked for inappropriate

Now, if you like reading, I recommend this.

Lord of the Fly.

Yep, that's what really happens when children get to make the rules.

Corpses everywhere.

So, Karen Brockman, what are we going to do about your little complaint?

Actually,

will it be much longer? Only I am up against a bit of... Hello?

Ben. You have been on the phone for ages. Did you know we're paying too much

our electricity?

What?

Look, you've lost your phone.

Just didn't get that.

You've lost your phone.

Oh, yeah, right.

I noticed I hadn't got it. I thought maybe we'd left it at home.

Well, why didn't you borrow our phone and ring home to check?

Oh, I don't know our phone number.

You don't know your own home phone number? Oh, come on. Who knows phone

We have phones to remember those.

Look, get on your bike.

Shoot up to the cafe on the common and collect your phone from a fella called

Mr. Lee.

Then, head straight home.

Okay? It's very important. Karen's forgotten her key.

And how exactly do I recognise this Mr.

Lee? He's a Chinese tourist in a cafe in Ealing.

Now get going.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Hello?

Right, like I was saying, I am in a bit of... You?

Cranberry and wheat grass?

No, thank you. Carrot and apple is very calming.

I'm sure. I also have beetroot, blueberry, strawberry, banana, ginger...

thank you.

I have to pick up a pump and I'm a little bit worried that they might

So... Excuse me.

Janet's not picking up. Will someone... Will someone definitely be home for

Karen? Ben should be back by then. You're breaking up. I said Ben should be

the house because... Still can't hear.

Is this better? Yep, better. Right.

We should be okay, because... There you go again.

How's this?

You're all hissy. Are you sure you're not standing too close to an appliance?

Oh, right, yeah, silly me. I've got my head in a microwave.

Ah, they heard that. That's excellent.

You're breaking up. You really need to replace that phone.

I can't hear you.

Baby, it's me. I'll try moving around a bit. I'll go outside.

Is this better?

No, you... Is that any better?

No.

Can you hear me? Yes.

Right, no one move.

The situation is this. I've just...

Excuse me, I'm really up against it now. When I arrived, you said my car would

be ready in a moment, and that was quite a few moments ago.

Of course, I chased off you at once, Mr Brockman. Well, you... Why haven't you

answered my text?

Well, which one? You'd been sending them at the rate of about one a minute, each

of them saying something different.

You see, this is the trouble with texting.

And he's off.

It's a licence for indecision and unpunctuality. So, once you've got the

you'll pick me up at Farnando's, yeah? All right, cheers, mate, bye.

What? Yay!

We have lift off. Mr Johnson, welcome.

I'm Sue Brockman, acting deputy office coordinator here at Optimum Outcome.

Firstly, I'd like to apologise for the delay. I hope we haven't kept you

for too long.

Am I supposed to be saying something?

I'm supposed to be saying something, aren't I? Mr Johnson, can you...

Can you hear us? Because we can see you. Mr Johnson, it's Melissa, Melissa

Granger. We can see you, but we can't... Can you hear what we... Okay, this is

ridiculous.

Okay,

I've spoken to Danny, and he said your car will be ready shortly.

Shortly? Yes.

Could you be a bit more precise?

It will be ready presently. No, you see, presently is no better than shortly.

Directly. I need a time, not an adverb.

How many minutes?

A check for you.

God damn it, Jason. This meeting with the British asshole is supposed to have

taken place 20 minutes ago.

Mr. Johnson, we can hear you. I hate every inch of this group.

Hey, Geronimo.

I see something.

Hi, Mr. Johnson. Can you see me?

I see your forehead.

Oh, right. Well, if we just...

I don't know. Is that good?

I'd hugely appreciate it if you didn't take any more calls. We'll do in a

second, Mr Johnson.

OK,

yeah, yeah, great. I'll tell him.

OK, so Barry said your car will be ready in 15 to 40 minutes.

They're twiddling with something.

Did he say exactly what they're twiddling?

No, the guys don't like to confuse me with technical bollocks.

OK, sorry, I can't risk not collecting that pump.

When will you collect your car?

Presently. Directly.

Surely.

So, Karen, after careful consideration, I've decided I'm going to file your

little tome.

Actually, could you file it for me?

Where, Mrs Raynard?

In the green circular filing cabinet by your feet.

I bet you win all the arguments at home, don't you?

Of course you do. Because they're family. They're your prisoners. You can

them down day after day.

But I'm not your prisoner, am I, Karen?

No, Mrs. Reynolds.

To me, you're just one child out of several hundred.

You see, Karen, everybody is unique.

But nobody's special.

That's the real world.

And the real world isn't going to change, so you are going to have to.

Okay?

Okay.

All I needed was someone to explain it to me.

Splendid. I sense the emergence of a team player.

Do you know, Karen, I once knew a little girl like you a long, long time ago.

She was clever, she had lots of opinions which she loved to share.

She thought she was the centre of the universe and she didn't think the rules

should apply to her.

And do you know what happened to that strong -willed little girl?

Did she become a headteacher?

No, she got expelled.

She's in prison now. Turns out the rules did apply to her after all.

Bye -bye, Karen. Enjoy the book.

Oh.

Phew.

I was worried you'd be closed.

It's Mr. Brockman. I've come to collect a pump for my sexual eating.

£112, please.

Just in time, Matt.

Let's talk with Blizzard tomorrow.

So much for global warming, eh?

Yeah, although, actually... What?

Doesn't matter.

Hi, this is Ben.

Sadly, I'm afraid I'm unavailable to talk right now as I've been abducted by

aliens. Please leave a message.

Ah!

They're probing me!

Ben, it's dead. Are you home yet?

This is coming a blot.

It must be so cool being Chinese.

I mean, there's so many of you, it must be really easy to find people with the

same interests as you. There's only 70 million people in the UK, and I still

haven't found anyone like me.

And you get to eat snakes and sea slugs and bird's nests and stuff like that.

Also, in China, do you guys send out for English takeaways?

You talk fast.

Fully baked before this thing is ready to roll.

OK. You know what? I think Bob from our Zurich office needs to be in on this

conversation. Is there any way we can patch him in?

Oh, I'm sure we can manage that. Can't we, Brett?

Irregular spending pattern.

Yeah, well, you can't just block my card without... You sent me a voicemail.

Oh, well, I will probably get that sometime next month.

Yes, I can definitely confirm that I am me, and I'm really in a hurry, so...

My memorable place? Okay, my memorable place is... Arsenal?

Okay, then it's Ealing.

Okay, it's not Ealing.

Look, I've had this card for ages.

Edinburgh?

Torbay?

Lindisfarne? And so we're going to go through those steps, and I have to dot

the T's and cross all the I's to make sure that we're kosher with the folks

upstairs. But I'll tell you this.

You folks...

are certainly, right now, my number one pick, provided that you are able

to... I'm sorry.

Don't go on it. I'm gone.

Mumbo's maiden name is Hatton. Is that not enough?

My favourite colour is blue. We had a cat called Timmy. Oh, see.

This had better be fantastically important.

No, it's a credit card.

Can you remember my memorable place? Because I can't. I should have picked a

more memorable, memorable place, but I... All right, OK. Just calm down.

I've lost you.

I've just picked up your phone. Calm down.

Your memorable place is the same... Your memorable place is the same as my

memorable place.

Oh, that is... It's where we first met.

Right, so that's, um... Yates's Wine Lodge?

No, where we...

Oh, right, where we, where we, where we... First met, the place where, you

remember where we first met, can you? I'm under a lot of pressure here. For

God's sake, it's new.

See, you're breaking up, I missed the second bit. New.

No, I missed the same bit again.

Right,

OK, listen, it's definitely got the word new in it.

Do you mean that's not enough?

Okay, um, New Cross, New Malden, Newcastle -upon -Tyne,

Newcastle -under -Lyme, New Dagen...

Hello?

Okay, I'm nearly home now.

Okay, let me check I've got this right.

Our 11 -year -old daughter is most likely standing on our doorstep in front

you, frozen solid.

no idea where her brothers are. That's the gist of it. Yeah.

And we have no heating in her car.

Nope.

But the good news is, Karen's not standing on the doorstep. That's not

news. Where the hell is she?

Listen, I'm going to ring the school.

Don't worry.

I'll ring you back.

Is that you, Dad?

Yeah, aren't you?

I thought you forgot a new key.

Yeah, turns out it was in my inside coat pocket.

Right.

Ben,

is that you? I can't hear anything.

Your phone's crap.

Where in God's name are you?

I'm at a cafe that's common with Mr and Mrs Lee and their friends.

Listen, if we ever go to Shanghai, I've got loads of addresses.

Can I bring some of them home for tea?

Ben, I've had a very difficult day and I really don't want to be...

invaded by Chinese hordes.

That's a bit racist.

Chinese hordes isn't racist.

Oh, oh, I thought you said whores.

What? Chinese whores.

You need to replace that phone.

Ben, just come home now.

All right, all right.

Oh, let me guess, you've lost your key.

Or rather, you've lost my key.

No, I've lost the feeling in my hand.

I couldn't plan the bloody thing.

Thanks for picking me up, by the way.

I couldn't get the car.

Or the pump.

They refused my card and I forgot my memorable place.

You forgot something?

Ah, well, you need to be more organised, Dad.

You're nearly 49 now.

Yes, OK.

You'll be heading out into the real world soon.

OK. I'm going to make a cup of tea.

Who else would like one?

Did you hear that?

Yes.

Any takers?

Yes, I'd like one, please.

Karen, thank you.

What was that?

Oh, that's the plumber I let him in earlier.

Dave?

Dave? Yeah?

Listen, I couldn't get that pump. I'm really sorry.

Oh, don't worry.

Turns out I had another one in the back of the van.

You had one?

Yeah.

No. No, I didn't.

Hello. Hi, Mum.

Yeah, no, everyone's accounted for here.

How's your big meeting going?

Well, we had some problems, but everything seems to be sorted now.

So, everything's all right at home?

Everything's good.

Although, Dad does need a new phone.

Yeah, I know.

No, he needs to get a new phone because he's stamping on this one.

Stamping? Yeah, kind of stamping.

Kind of hard to describe.

Have you ever seen Riverdance?