All language subtitles for Outnumbered s05e05 The Chinese Horde

What did it well go?

Yes.

Just in time for that massacre.

Hiya. What are you up to?

Ah, you know, hard at it.

Just getting stuck into some odd jobs.

Don't forget that Dave is coming round
to fix the central heating because

they're saying it could be minus seven
tomorrow.

You're not going to do a joke about
global warming, are you?

No. Good.

Because I heard three of those in the
newsagents.

Karen should be back by five. And can
you make sure she... Don't you worry.

Everything is under control.

OK. Bye.

Eh?

Oh, no.

No.

OK, Melissa, so, um, I've made a seating
plan, so if you sit here... See?

Melissa. And, er, Judy, if you could sit
here... Oh, come on.

Sorry, I spoke, take a sec.

Hello? My stupid phone has been storing
up voicemails from hours ago.

That is one from Dave, the plumber, who
is stuck on another job, so he needs me

to go and pick up the pump from the...
pump place.

And the other one is from the garage
saying that I have to pick up the car by

.30 today.

But they said tomorrow.

No, they are closing tomorrow.

It's a bank holiday on Monday.

Exactly. So if I don't shift my arse,
we're going to have no heating and no

for three days.

Sorry, you're breaking up. I didn't hear
that. Is there any chance of you

getting home for Karen? No!

This video conferencing thing is with a
potential American client.

And... They've asked me to set it up and
sit in on the discussions. They're

finally taking me seriously. They're not
going to take me seriously if I have to

bunk off home and cook my daughter's
fish fingers.

Tell Jake to cover Karen.

Sorry about that.

Okie dokie.

Let's get this Skype connection up and
running.

I'm just going to ring IT.

Pick up.

Pick up. Ah, Jake.

Any chance of a lift?

What? I've lost my Oyster card and it
looks like snow.

You've lost it?

Hang on, you don't have an Oyster card.
You lost it last week.

Yeah, I took yours.

So when you say you've lost your Oyster
card, what you mean is you've lost my

Oyster card.

Yeah. Bummer, eh?

Well, I can't give you a lift because I
haven't got a car.

So you'll just have to buy a ticket. I
can't do that. I've got no cash. You've

got no cash.

What kind of person...

Hold on a minute.

Hiya. Karen's just texted.

She's forgotten her key.

Jake is OK to let her in, isn't he?

Well... Someone has to let her in, Pete.
If Mrs Delgado spots her freezing on

the doorstep, she'll report us to social
services again.

No, she won't. She will, Pete.

There'll be interviews and spot checks
and... Ben and the harpoon all over

again. Look, I will sort it.

Jake, listen, I've got to go fetch a
pump and a car and I need someone to let

Karen in. I can probably make it home in
time. Good man.

Provided I get a taxi.

I'm not paying for a... Hold on.

Yeah? Another text from Karen. The
headmistress wants to be here so she's

kept back after school.

Splendid. Splendid?

No, obviously that's not splendid. No.

But it does take the pressure off a bit.
Just leave it all with me. Okay.

Still there?

So, about this taxi, if... No taxi,
Jake. You've got to use your own

You can't just keep forgetting stuff.

You need to be more organised.

You're 17 now. You're about to head out
into the real world.

Come on, Tad. Car chat.

Got to ring Karen.

Come in, Karen.

I expect you'd like to turn that off,
wouldn't you?

Yes, but it's very not... Eh?

Bloody predictive text. Why would I be
sending a text to someone called Karma?

We have invented technology that is more
impatient than we are.

Ah, Ben, listen. How quickly can you get
home?

My name is Lee.

Sorry? My name is Lee. I find phone.

I'm sorry, this is a very bad... My name
is Lee. I ring first number.

OK, I understand.

Where are you?

I am Lee.

Yes. Where are you? No, here.

Bad phone.

Listen, that is my son's phone. I tell
him to come

find you.

Where are you?

I am Lee. Yes, I think we've established
that.

So, Karen Brockman.

I've heard a lot about you, especially
in the weekly staff meetings.

Now then, I understand you've been
having a bit of trouble adapting to

school, and that's not unusual.
Different children react in different

But I have to say, in my 19 years as a
head, this is the first time I've had

one write a formal letter of complaint
to the governors.

Do your parents know you wrote this?

No, I don't usually involve them in
school stuff.

They just panic.

Well, Karen, I must congratulate you on
a very thorough review of the school's

shortcomings. You've certainly saved
Ofsted the bother of a visit.

I particularly like this very helpful
list of all the rules you think are

I wonder if you'd be kind enough to talk
me through your findings.

Read it to me.

Go on.

Number one, staff defect.

Hi, Dad.

Jake, listen, are you... I'm OK to get
home now, thank you for asking.

Mikey lent me his oyster.

Good, good. Can you just nip back to the
school and can you pop into Ben

Sparsky's rehearsal and tell him that a
Chinese man called Li has found his

phone and is waiting for him in a cafe
on the common? OK.

I'm going to whiz out just as soon... I
can find my bloody key.

Oh, I've got those.

Well, where are your keys?

I wish I knew.

Why does this family lose everything?
I'm going to start nailing things to

people's hands.

Nope, I didn't get that.

Your phone is so crap.

Just get back here to let Karen in, OK?

Specky, specky, specky.

Specky, specky, specky.

13.

The kitchen staff can get very rude if
you ask them when they last washed their

hands.

14. Shall we take the remaining 12
points as read? We don't want your

voice getting tired, do we?

What was your primary school like,
Karen? Was it small?

Small and friendly?

Quite small, yeah.

And I bet you got lots of gold stars,
didn't you?

Because at primary school they dish out
gold stars for... well, for breathing,

really.

But my job at this school is gradually
to introduce children to the adult

So here we get judged on performance.

Now, how do you feel you've been
performing, Karen?

I think my performance can improve in
some areas.

That's good.

But I think some teachers have been
under -marking me.

Oh, yes. Point number 24.

How are we doing? We sorted?

We're fine. Jake's on his way back. I'm
lost at the garage. Everything is under

control. Mrs Delgado is looking at me.
I'm giving her a friendly wave, as I

Burn in hell, you nosy cow.

I've never seen one do this before.

Yes, you have mentioned that.

What's the ECA, Brett? Only this meeting
should have started three minutes ago.

Have you tried switching it off? Off and
on again. Yes, I have, several times.

I am aware that this is a highly
sophisticated piece of technology that

sometimes be fixed by randomly switching
it off and on. I know.

It's weird, isn't it?

Yes, Jay? They wouldn't let me on the
bus. Mikey's oyster had nothing on it.

gave you an oyster with no credit on it?
He didn't know. It's his dad's oyster.

Oh, for... Did he give Ben that message?
No, he wasn't there. The rehearsal got

cut short. Ben will probably be home by
now, so if I get a cap, he could

probably pay for it when I get there.

Dad?

Dad?

Let me get this right, Frank.

You're calling us because we're paying
too much for our electricity.

Jake's just texted you stranded. Who's
going to be home for Karen? Have you

contacted her?

No, her phone's off. But look, I'll text
her and tell her that the spare key's

in the big flower pot. It's illegal to
leave an 11 -year -old at home on their

own. Yeah, but the phone's busy. I think
Ben must be at home.

It's also illegal to leave a 13 -year
-old in charge of an 11 -year -old.

Yeah, but it's less illegal.

Less illegal?

Yeah. Also, that 13 -year -old is Ben, a
boy whose several insurance companies

have blacklisted.

I'll ring Janet over the road and see if
she can cover till you or Jake gets

back. Fine. I'm nearly at the garage.

All right, ladies.

Looks like we're in business.

Sue? I've just got to... I won't be a
tick. I've just...

Oh,

hi,

Janet.

Jane!

Oh!

Hello, Jane.

Do you know, actually, I rang you by
mistake. I meant to ring somebody else.

meant to ring... No.

No, I haven't been in touch for a while.
I'm sorry about that. Things have been

a bit... Eight months?

As long as that?

Yeah, well, as I say, things have...
Have you?

Right.

Hello.

Good afternoon.

I've come to collect my car. My name's
Brockman. Of course, they'll bring it

for you in a moment. Would you like a
coffee?

No, thank you. Tea? Juice?

No, really, I'm... We have juice maker.

No, honestly, I'm fine. Help yourself to
magazine.

Thanks. I am in a... One question.

What exactly is a direct debit?

No, okay, yeah. My parents are going to
have to deal with this.

Oh, yeah, sorry, I'm only 13.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. I do have a
deep voice.

It's actually why I was given the part
for Spartacus in school.

Yeah, it's about the whole story of
Spartacus.

Except now I don't get crucified because
two RE teachers threatened to resign.

No, no, it doesn't mean you're a bad
picker of men. It's... Uh -huh.

Listen,

Jane, it... Mm -hmm?

Cage fighter.

Uh -huh.

At least he wasn't as jihadist like the
last one.

Oh, he was.

Right.

Listen, now's not a great... Don't cry.

Please. Don't cry.

Sorry to abandon you, Karen. Bit of an
issue over whether someone's allowed to

throw a javelin whilst wearing a
kneecap.

Perhaps you might like to mention that
in your next missive to the

Biscuit?

Garibaldi's.

Tell me, Karen.

Do you like Roald Dahl?

Sorry? Have you read much Roald Dahl?

When I was younger, yeah.

And which was your favourite, was it
Matilda? I bet it was.

Yeah, it was.

Yeah, Matilda.

A very special little girl who refuses
to buckle under and so defeats all those

stupid grown -ups.

It's a great story.

Shall I tell you something, Karen?

I ban Roald Dahl.

He's probably ruined more children's
lives than polio.

Ruined them with the ludicrous belief
that all adults are stupid and can

routinely be outwitted by small children
and the occasional fox.

What, Vicky?

I will call you back in a while, I
promise.

You just relax and get on top of the
hyperventilating thing.

OK, cos I really should be in a...

It's hard to know. These things are
great when they work, aren't they?

You see, Karen, you're a kid and we're
adults.

We outrank you.

We're stronger than you, we know more
stuff than you and we can reach things

can't. And yes, we may sometimes come up
with some stupid rules, but

nonetheless, them's the rules.

Not all of the grown -ups in Matilda
were stupid.

Her form tutor, Miss Honey, was nice.

She let Matilda go and live with her.

In the real world, dear, Miss Honey
would be sacked for inappropriate

Now, if you like reading, I recommend
this.

Lord of the Fly.

Yep, that's what really happens when
children get to make the rules.

Corpses everywhere.

So, Karen Brockman, what are we going to
do about your little complaint?

Actually,

will it be much longer? Only I am up
against a bit of... Hello?

Ben. You have been on the phone for
ages. Did you know we're paying too much

our electricity?

What?

Look, you've lost your phone.

Just didn't get that.

You've lost your phone.

Oh, yeah, right.

I noticed I hadn't got it. I thought
maybe we'd left it at home.

Well, why didn't you borrow our phone
and ring home to check?

Oh, I don't know our phone number.

You don't know your own home phone
number? Oh, come on. Who knows phone

We have phones to remember those.

Look, get on your bike.

Shoot up to the cafe on the common and
collect your phone from a fella called

Mr. Lee.

Then, head straight home.

Okay? It's very important. Karen's
forgotten her key.

And how exactly do I recognise this Mr.

Lee? He's a Chinese tourist in a cafe in
Ealing.

Now get going.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Hello?

Right, like I was saying, I am in a bit
of... You?

Cranberry and wheat grass?

No, thank you. Carrot and apple is very
calming.

I'm sure. I also have beetroot,
blueberry, strawberry, banana, ginger...

thank you.

I have to pick up a pump and I'm a
little bit worried that they might

So... Excuse me.

Janet's not picking up. Will someone...
Will someone definitely be home for

Karen? Ben should be back by then.
You're breaking up. I said Ben should be

the house because... Still can't hear.

Is this better? Yep, better. Right.

We should be okay, because... There you
go again.

How's this?

You're all hissy. Are you sure you're
not standing too close to an appliance?

Oh, right, yeah, silly me. I've got my
head in a microwave.

Ah, they heard that. That's excellent.

You're breaking up. You really need to
replace that phone.

I can't hear you.

Baby, it's me. I'll try moving around a
bit. I'll go outside.

Is this better?

No, you... Is that any better?

No.

Can you hear me? Yes.

Right, no one move.

The situation is this. I've just...

Excuse me, I'm really up against it now.
When I arrived, you said my car would

be ready in a moment, and that was quite
a few moments ago.

Of course, I chased off you at once, Mr
Brockman. Well, you... Why haven't you

answered my text?

Well, which one? You'd been sending them
at the rate of about one a minute, each

of them saying something different.

You see, this is the trouble with
texting.

And he's off.

It's a licence for indecision and
unpunctuality. So, once you've got the

you'll pick me up at Farnando's, yeah?
All right, cheers, mate, bye.

What? Yay!

We have lift off. Mr Johnson, welcome.

I'm Sue Brockman, acting deputy office
coordinator here at Optimum Outcome.

Firstly, I'd like to apologise for the
delay. I hope we haven't kept you

for too long.

Am I supposed to be saying something?

I'm supposed to be saying something,
aren't I? Mr Johnson, can you...

Can you hear us? Because we can see you.
Mr Johnson, it's Melissa, Melissa

Granger. We can see you, but we can't...
Can you hear what we... Okay, this is

ridiculous.

Okay,

I've spoken to Danny, and he said your
car will be ready shortly.

Shortly? Yes.

Could you be a bit more precise?

It will be ready presently. No, you see,
presently is no better than shortly.

Directly. I need a time, not an adverb.

How many minutes?

A check for you.

God damn it, Jason. This meeting with
the British asshole is supposed to have

taken place 20 minutes ago.

Mr. Johnson, we can hear you. I hate
every inch of this group.

Hey, Geronimo.

I see something.

Hi, Mr. Johnson. Can you see me?

I see your forehead.

Oh, right. Well, if we just...

I don't know. Is that good?

I'd hugely appreciate it if you didn't
take any more calls. We'll do in a

second, Mr Johnson.

OK,

yeah, yeah, great. I'll tell him.

OK, so Barry said your car will be ready
in 15 to 40 minutes.

They're twiddling with something.

Did he say exactly what they're
twiddling?

No, the guys don't like to confuse me
with technical bollocks.

OK, sorry, I can't risk not collecting
that pump.

When will you collect your car?

Presently. Directly.

Surely.

So, Karen, after careful consideration,
I've decided I'm going to file your

little tome.

Actually, could you file it for me?

Where, Mrs Raynard?

In the green circular filing cabinet by
your feet.

I bet you win all the arguments at home,
don't you?

Of course you do. Because they're
family. They're your prisoners. You can

them down day after day.

But I'm not your prisoner, am I, Karen?

No, Mrs. Reynolds.

To me, you're just one child out of
several hundred.

You see, Karen, everybody is unique.

But nobody's special.

That's the real world.

And the real world isn't going to
change, so you are going to have to.

Okay?

Okay.

All I needed was someone to explain it
to me.

Splendid. I sense the emergence of a
team player.

Do you know, Karen, I once knew a little
girl like you a long, long time ago.

She was clever, she had lots of opinions
which she loved to share.

She thought she was the centre of the
universe and she didn't think the rules

should apply to her.

And do you know what happened to that
strong -willed little girl?

Did she become a headteacher?

No, she got expelled.

She's in prison now. Turns out the rules
did apply to her after all.

Bye -bye, Karen. Enjoy the book.

Oh.

Phew.

I was worried you'd be closed.

It's Mr. Brockman. I've come to collect
a pump for my sexual eating.

£112, please.

Just in time, Matt.

Let's talk with Blizzard tomorrow.

So much for global warming, eh?

Yeah, although, actually... What?

Doesn't matter.

Hi, this is Ben.

Sadly, I'm afraid I'm unavailable to
talk right now as I've been abducted by

aliens. Please leave a message.

Ah!

They're probing me!

Ben, it's dead. Are you home yet?

This is coming a blot.

It must be so cool being Chinese.

I mean, there's so many of you, it must
be really easy to find people with the

same interests as you. There's only 70
million people in the UK, and I still

haven't found anyone like me.

And you get to eat snakes and sea slugs
and bird's nests and stuff like that.

Also, in China, do you guys send out for
English takeaways?

You talk fast.

Fully baked before this thing is ready
to roll.

OK. You know what? I think Bob from our
Zurich office needs to be in on this

conversation. Is there any way we can
patch him in?

Oh, I'm sure we can manage that. Can't
we, Brett?

Irregular spending pattern.

Yeah, well, you can't just block my card
without... You sent me a voicemail.

Oh, well, I will probably get that
sometime next month.

Yes, I can definitely confirm that I am
me, and I'm really in a hurry, so...

My memorable place? Okay, my memorable
place is... Arsenal?

Okay, then it's Ealing.

Okay, it's not Ealing.

Look, I've had this card for ages.

Edinburgh?

Torbay?

Lindisfarne? And so we're going to go
through those steps, and I have to dot

the T's and cross all the I's to make
sure that we're kosher with the folks

upstairs. But I'll tell you this.

You folks...

are certainly, right now, my number one
pick, provided that you are able

to... I'm sorry.

Don't go on it. I'm gone.

Mumbo's maiden name is Hatton. Is that
not enough?

My favourite colour is blue. We had a
cat called Timmy. Oh, see.

This had better be fantastically
important.

No, it's a credit card.

Can you remember my memorable place?
Because I can't. I should have picked a

more memorable, memorable place, but
I... All right, OK. Just calm down.

I've lost you.

I've just picked up your phone. Calm
down.

Your memorable place is the same... Your
memorable place is the same as my

memorable place.

Oh, that is... It's where we first met.

Right, so that's, um... Yates's Wine
Lodge?

No, where we...

Oh, right, where we, where we, where
we... First met, the place where, you

remember where we first met, can you?
I'm under a lot of pressure here. For

God's sake, it's new.

See, you're breaking up, I missed the
second bit. New.

No, I missed the same bit again.

Right,

OK, listen, it's definitely got the word
new in it.

Do you mean that's not enough?

Okay, um, New Cross, New Malden,
Newcastle -upon -Tyne,

Newcastle -under -Lyme, New Dagen...

Hello?

Okay, I'm nearly home now.

Okay, let me check I've got this right.

Our 11 -year -old daughter is most
likely standing on our doorstep in front

you, frozen solid.

no idea where her brothers are. That's
the gist of it. Yeah.

And we have no heating in her car.

Nope.

But the good news is, Karen's not
standing on the doorstep. That's not

news. Where the hell is she?

Listen, I'm going to ring the school.

Don't worry.

I'll ring you back.

Is that you, Dad?

Yeah, aren't you?

I thought you forgot a new key.

Yeah, turns out it was in my inside coat
pocket.

Right.

Ben,

is that you? I can't hear anything.

Your phone's crap.

Where in God's name are you?

I'm at a cafe that's common with Mr and
Mrs Lee and their friends.

Listen, if we ever go to Shanghai, I've
got loads of addresses.

Can I bring some of them home for tea?

Ben, I've had a very difficult day and I
really don't want to be...

invaded by Chinese hordes.

That's a bit racist.

Chinese hordes isn't racist.

Oh, oh, I thought you said whores.

What? Chinese whores.

You need to replace that phone.

Ben, just come home now.

All right, all right.

Oh, let me guess, you've lost your key.

Or rather, you've lost my key.

No, I've lost the feeling in my hand.

I couldn't plan the bloody thing.

Thanks for picking me up, by the way.

I couldn't get the car.

Or the pump.

They refused my card and I forgot my
memorable place.

You forgot something?

Ah, well, you need to be more organised,
Dad.

You're nearly 49 now.

Yes, OK.

You'll be heading out into the real
world soon.

OK. I'm going to make a cup of tea.

Who else would like one?

Did you hear that?

Yes.

Any takers?

Yes, I'd like one, please.

Karen, thank you.

What was that?

Oh, that's the plumber I let him in
earlier.

Dave?

Dave? Yeah?

Listen, I couldn't get that pump. I'm
really sorry.

Oh, don't worry.

Turns out I had another one in the back
of the van.

You had one?

Yeah.

No. No, I didn't.

Hello. Hi, Mum.

Yeah, no, everyone's accounted for here.

How's your big meeting going?

Well, we had some problems, but
everything seems to be sorted now.

So, everything's all right at home?

Everything's good.

Although, Dad does need a new phone.

Yeah, I know.

No, he needs to get a new phone because
he's stamping on this one.

Stamping? Yeah, kind of stamping.

Kind of hard to describe.

Have you ever seen Riverdance?