All language subtitles for Outnumbered s05e02 The Swimming Competition.eng

OK, everyone, dinner in five.

That smells nice. Is it horse?

Probably. How was Jake's driving lesson?

I really think that we should pay a
proper instructor to teach him. Why?

Because they are professionally trained
to hide the terror.

Oh, come on. Hey, boys, now I need you
to clear away your homework stuff.

You don't seem to notice things.

No, important things.

Solid things.

Because he's a teenager, they're dreamy.

Mentally, he's just not there. At one
point, I yelled pedestrian, and he

it was a criticism.

So, Jammie, you get to do psychology.

What do I get to do?

Oxbow legs.

What the hell is an oxbow leg anyway?
Can I have mine in front of the

No, we are all sitting down together for
once.

Psychology's so interesting.

Yeah, it is interesting. And so you have
to study it.

And it becomes annoying, like everything
else.

Yeah, but it's the study of the mind.

Once you understand the mind, you can
bend it to your will.

Like Darren Brown.

He can make people think they're being
attacked by zombies.

That's a very useful life skill.

And career -wise, psychology's
practical. I will never do anything that

work with an oxbow leg.

But I might be a psychiatrist.

Psychologist. What's the difference?

A psychiatrist studies diseases of the
mind, whereas a psychologist...

Right, it's crappy self -help books.

Karen!

Tea!

Could you lay the table, please?

So your dad was just filling me in about
your driving lesson. How do you think

it went?

I need lessons from a paid instructor.

There, see?

Someone who knows what they're doing.

Well, I know what I'm doing. Well, it's
very distracting sitting next to someone

who's constantly slamming their foot
into the floor. Yeah, but that's a

a survival instinct.

It's the same as throwing your hands in
front of your face. Which is also very

distracting. And he's too vague. He says
bare left when there's loads of lefts.

There was one available left.

Well, I think I proved that was untrue,
didn't I? But that left was a canal.

You said turn left, so I turned left.
And I stopped him plenty of times.

All right, I'll tell you what. Why don't
I take you out tomorrow?

Look, I just... I don't think it's a
good idea to be taught by a family

Hey, you'll be fine.

Karen! Tea!

Oh, you haven't forgotten that you're
taking her to a swimming match tomorrow,

have you? No, I haven't forgotten.

Try to.

You know, I think this is perfect
timing, her getting on the school team.

will give her a chance to settle in with
the other kids. It will boost her self

-confidence. Isn't it her self
-confidence that's cheesing off the

Well, yeah.

But I think a lot of that's a mask to
hide her insecurities.

A mask?

Yeah.

That she's been wearing for 11 years.

Yeah.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

When she swam for the primary school,
there was always little tournaments and

she always won. But this one is against
that big new academy.

The one whose kids aren't allowed into
shops.

Look, it doesn't matter how she does.

The key here is that she's finally
engaged in a school activity.

What if she doesn't win?

Well, it'll be good for her. I'm not
thinking of her, I'm thinking of us.

think what kind of week we'll have.

Oh, God. Do you remember Black March?

And she lost that game of Risk.

Can I eat watching Game of Thrones?

No, we're all going to eat together like
a pro... Now where's Jake gone?

Jake! I need the toilet.

Ben, I said lay the table.

Karen!

What? What are you doing? I've just got
to print something off. What is it?

The first 50 pages of my novel.

Which one?

The one I'm working on currently. The
one about the samurai who can time

Oh, right, that one.

Because Philip Work, his wife, is an
editor for a publisher.

Do you think you could do this later on?
Because the Prince is playing mind

games and I need to get everybody sat
down. Where's Ben?

Ben!

Back in a sec!

Karen! Jake!

Kate, it's like herding cats.

Karen, are you ignoring me or are you
wearing your headphones?

I'm ignoring you!

She's in a foul mood.

She picked up a detention today for
commenting on the depth of his

All right, Philip.

Deputy Head is ultra -sensitive about
his moustache?

Her moustache.

Oh, right.

I don't know why Karen does this stuff.

I do.

It's because of you two.

Eh? No, you need to challenge her
behaviour.

Confront her more.

I'm being serious.

I know, that's what's so funny.

You need to control her.

She needs boundaries.

Well, I think you're being a bit hard on
us.

Isn't he?

Of course he is.

We brought you up. We didn't do a bad
job there, did we?

Yeah, but then you just seem to lose the
hang of it.

You cut her way too much slack. She
treats this place like a hotel. Oh,

that's just rubbish.

Mum, I have dinner in my room.

That is an untypical coincidence that is
just... Karen,

you will come down here and have your
dinner with everybody else like a proper

person.

There. What are these?

It's part of my costume for Spartacus.

It's a father who says I can take him
home because I need to try and get used

them. He says I have to try and get
myself into the mindset of a rebel slave

who's taking on the might of Imperial
Rome.

This is a musical, isn't it?

Ben, I won't say it again. No gladiator
next to the dinner table.

You're so strict.

There. See?

Hallelujah! We're all here, all
assembled at last. Where are you going?

I need a shower.

We're all about to eat.

Put a plate over it. I might grab it
later. No, you'll eat it now or it's

down the toilet. All right, all right.

A family should always eat together.

Yep, the Borgias always eat together.

No, your mum's right. We should eat
together.

Come on, Pebble Dad.

Karen, what was that weird thing you
were doing in the bathroom earlier?

Oh, yeah, that was my victory dance for
tomorrow at swimming.

Victory dance?

Yeah, I made a K, so I rubbed my arms
out like this.

Yeah, K for...

Okay,

enough. Everybody, let's just eat.

I was reading this piece yesterday about
how families never eat together

anymore. Because family life has become
so fragmented and anti -social.

Really?

How interesting is this?

Did you know that Spartacus hid from the
Romans in the volcano of Vesuvius?

Hiding in an active volcano? Well,
that's either extremely clever or

fantastically stupid.

Just imagine what it'd be like to be in
Pompeii when Vesuvius exploded.

Imagine being mummified in an
embarrassing position.

Because you would have thought that at
least one person would be on the toilet.

Well, if a volcano is exploding, I
imagine most of the town would be on the

toilet. Did you know what the loudest
bang ever recorded was?

You shutting the front door, I imagine.

Crack -a -toa. Well, this really makes a
pleasant change, doesn't it? Us all

sitting down together having a lovely,
sociable meal.

Oh, and Karen.

What?

I'll get it. No, no, no, no, you sit.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the toilet.

Bill? Yeah, sorry, the signal's rubbish
here. No, please eat another lot. No,

don't be uncomfortable.

Bon appétit, everybody.

Mmm, this is delicious, Mother.

Oh, it's my absolute pleasure to cook
for you.

Perhaps you'd like us to cook your meal
tomorrow.

Really? Yes, that would be lovely.

Very lovely. And maybe somebody could do
the washing up afterwards.

Let's call it a draw, shall we? What?
I'm more tired than you, competition.

Shut up.

Do you think Jake's right? Do you think
we have lost the plot as parents?

Isn't that self -righteous, please?

When I was his age, I was absolutely
convinced that my parents were totally

wrong about everything.

Well, indeed they were, really.

I mean... The normal parenting
techniques had never worked on Karen.

Not the blackmail, nor bribery, the
threats.

She worked out it was all just a bluff
at the age of three.

She gave us a contract at five.

Time. I remember.

The thing that worries me is the way she
is with other kids.

I keep waiting for the penny to drop.

You know, if you want to make friends,
you have to be friendly.

Maybe Jake's right. Maybe we need to
tackle her more head -on.

Tackle her more head -on?

Yeah, try and control her.

Try and control her? Please stop doing
that, please.

And we're not that bad as parents, are
we?

The three of them make it to adulthood
and none of them are in prison.

Our work is done.

I mean, we're not bad, bad.

Jake's exaggerating, isn't he?

We're more sort of middling rather than
bad.

Jake's wrong about bad, isn't he?

Pete.

Oh, and we have a competition winner.

What the hell are you talking about?
Computer cannot communicate with

It's there.

Foot away.

Did you get the chance to print up my
novel?

No, this printer's playing up. Why don't
you email it to Phil to get him to

print it out?

No, his printer's playing up. Maybe all
the printers are ganging up on us. Maybe

it's a robot conspiracy to tip us all
over into madness. It's just that Phil's

wife said that the budget deadline for
new commissions... I will print out your

time -travelling samurai.

OK, it's just, at the moment, I'm trying
to get this registration form done for

the... Of course, the firm are sending
me on, which is tomorrow, so I think

that's slightly more pressing.

Mind you, if Bill gets a novel to his
wife, and she likes it, and it gets

published, and it does well,

we could all be millionaires.

Oh, yeah. I was forgetting.

Oh, bloody hell, look at the time.

Karen!

You're going to miss your bath.

Dad, come check this out.

It's a thing that psychologists use.
It's called the inkblot test.

Is that the one where they work out
someone's innermost feelings by spilling

all over the table?

What? You spill ink all over the table.

Oh, yeah.

I was wondering about that.

Anyway, all you have to do is you have
to see if you can find any shapes. I'm

busy. Go on.

What can you see?

I see mum.

Hmm. That's interesting. Because Freud
thought that every man wanted to kill

their father and sleep with their
mother. Yeah, well, Freud never met my

This is... So you can see your mum in
this?

I did mum.

Your mum.

My wife. Look, I can see her face.

She's screaming.

She's screaming, what pracs built ink
all over the table?

Hey, Karen, if you want to win the race,
what you've got to do is visualisation.

You know, when you visually see yourself
winning the race. Visually. Well, I'll

just wait until this afternoon and then
I will see myself win this race.

Well, yes.

But today isn't all about the winning,
is it?

It's about the taking part, isn't it?

It's about being part of a team.

Team player.

On a team.

I was looking up loads of that
psychology stuff last night.

Something that's brilliant.

Have you heard about that bloke Ardy
Lang?

Is he the one who thought that people's
mental health could be improved if they

smeared their faeces all over the wall?

Yeah.

I'm going to find out more about him.

That is one of the most frightening
things I've ever heard.

It's called camaraderie.

Everyone pulling together.

There's no I in team.

All for one and one... Let's just go.

Dad, can you look after my stuff?

Only I don't trust the other girls.

Some of them have got an agenda.

Especially that one.

Everything they tweeted about her.

You tweeted about her?

Yeah.

She gets offended very easily. Very
sensitive.

Mostly the girls in my class are.

Listen, Karen, you're going to keep
finding yourself in confrontations until

learn not to be so confrontational.

You're 11 now. You've got to learn a bit
of self -control.

Well, I can't help being up front.
That's who I am.

I've got to be me.

Made in Chelsea, this is the real world.
You can't just go round telling

everyone what you think of them.

You and your real world.

Where are my goggles?

Oh, and by the way, if you win this
seat, I really wouldn't do your K

signature move yeah but it will just
antagonize your fellow competitors it

really get up their nose isn't it affect
their performance exactly i know i'm

doing that

cybercraft

i hate them why can't you just spring
any

chance of a bit more noise Take that up
to

your room, then. Don't have internet
connection up there.

He's been playing that for over an hour
now. Oh, in the name of God.

You should be doing his schoolwork.

Oh, so you're on Ben Patrol now. I'm
just saying, that's all.

Over an hour.

Ben! Can you stop playing with that now
and start doing your homework?

Fair enough.

A child has just... on what I asked.

Oh.

What psychology?

You see, I told Mr Jacobs I wanted to
take psychology in the sixth form. And

said that it's a bullshitter subject
because the only reason people opted to

doing it is because they think the exams
are going to be really easy.

Uh, well, he wears a bow tie, so he's
not qualified to talk about anything.

Can you crack your knuckles?

No. Okay, let's try help.

Help is no help because the computer has
gone offline.

Tony, Ibrahim says that girls really
like boys who can make their knuckles

crack. Yeah, that is a well -known
aphrodisiac, the sound of grinding

Why are you getting angry? I'm angry
because I've just started a new job and

they're not going to take me very
seriously if I can't even print out a

registration document.

Maybe you think that's why you're
getting angry.

Eh? Freud reckons that when you get
angry with something... You're really

getting angry with something else,
something subconscious.

So you're getting angry with the printer
because it represents Dad or Jake or...

Why can't you be the printer? I just
chose you for an example. Why can't you

choose yourself as an example? You don't
choose yourself as an example. This

printer is off at the wall.

Who the hell did that?

Oh, yeah, that was me. Sorry.

You're definitely the printer now.

You watched me struggle with that. I was
turning it off and on again to try and

make it work.

I could kill you.

But is this really about me? Yes.

Yes, yes, this is definitely about you.
Freud said that women were always more

angry because they didn't have a penis.

You're joking, aren't you? You could be
statistically more angry. That's

absolutely bollocks. I'm angry because
you turned the printer off at the wall.

lot of this aggression might stem from
your children. What aggression?

I'm not aggressive.

What's all that noise?

That's just mum threatening to kill Ben.

How's Karen getting on?

Well, she won her heat, although she was
nearly disqualified at the start.

What, for full start?

No, for sledging.

I couldn't quite hear what she was
saying, but the gesture didn't look very

nice. Well, you'll have to have a word
with her.

Yes, yes.

She's your responsibility.

OK, spare me the lecture.

Can you put your mum on? It has got
nothing to do with breastfeeding.

Mum, it's Dad.

Oh, thanks.

Hiya. Did you print out those novel
pages yet?

No, not quite yet.

The printer's been off at the wall and
the computer's got... Oh, it's back.

OK.

How's Karen getting on? Is she
interacting with the other kids?

Yes.

She won a heap, but there are some very
fast girls in this final.

God knows what she'll do if she doesn't
win.

Probably go on a gun spree.

OK, now, I'm in a file called Pete's
Novels. I don't want to print out the

wrong... So is it called Amber
Reflections?

No, that's the one about the psychic
dwarf in the court of the Medicius.

Pluto's Feast?

That's the Etruscan general who
befriends a blind wolf.

It's called Bushido, I think.

Or did they change that?

Oh, yes, got it. Bushido.

Right. Good luck with powering.

OK.

Mission control.

We have liftoff.

The humans have won.

Excuse me, sir.

Sir.

Do you mind not filming?

Are you not serious? I'm just filming my
daughter.

Yes, but there are other children in the
race, and without consulting their

parents, it's... Come on, no parent is
going to object. Well, um, that one did.

Oh, for God's sake. It's the law of the
land, mate.

No, it's not, Rumpole. It has no basis
in law. There is nothing to stop me

filming my daughter at a swimming gala.

I'm getting better.

Almost got next door's cat.

He can make himself really big. Imagine
if we could do that. You already have.

You're gigantic.

I know.

Can you please stop doing this?

OK, you can put me down. Thank you.

Does this still fit you?

Mm. It fit me a month ago.

I'll take that as a no.

Give the jokers a hand -me -down. Ha!

Lol.

OK, Jake, once you've finished that,
I'll take you out for that driving

I still think I need a proper driving
instructor.

Oh, don't be daft. It all costs money.

It'll be fine. You'll see. You'll have
your licence by summer.

Well, I don't want to take my test too
early.

Why? I don't want to be the first one in
my lot driving, do I? I'll end up

ferrying everyone about everywhere.

It's no fun being a glorified taxi
driver.

No.

No, it's not.

Anyway, we'd better get out soon before
the traffic starts to build up.

Well... Oh, come on, it'll be fine. My
dad taught me how to drive.

And then my uncle.

Why did your dad stop teaching you?

So basically, you're saying what
happened in your driving lesson was

fault? Yeah, I had to break. I had no
choice. If he'd been wearing his

and he'd had his dentures in properly,
he would have been fine.

It was just, you know, an unfortunate
accident.

No, this thing is accidents.

That's what psychologists reckon.

Is that right?

Yeah. What they mean is, like, remember
when I was little and I had an accident

in Hastings?

What, when you fell off the pier?

Yeah, that must have happened for a
reason. Yeah, and the reason was you

doing cartwheels on the handrail.

Maybe deep down I wanted to fall into
the ocean.

Maybe it was all about some inner
emotion I was suppressing.

When have you ever suppressed an
emotion?

Do you know what?

I resent the suggestion that I am in
some way a paedophile.

Well, you might be a paedophile. I am
not a paedophile. Gentlemen, perhaps we

could move this discussion into my
office. Listen, mate, you don't have to

like a paedophile to be a paedophile.
I've been CRB'd. Sorry, did Jimmy Savile

look like a paedophile?

Well, yes.

Yes, he did, actually.

He looked about as pervy as it is
possible for a human being to look.

nobody knew he was a Peter Poth.

Yes, they did.

Loads of people, hundreds of them. Look,
can everybody stop mentioning Jimmy

Savile? I get this every bloody day.

I think you'll find this a well -known
fact. Never mind what it says in your

daily mail. Excuse me, Jack. Sorry,

can we please?

I'm a teacher.

They're the worst, aren't they? Right,
gentlemen, next to preach. If we could

exercise some self -control. Nobody even
knows who this bloke is.

Hi. My name is Peter Brockman, and I am
not, I repeat, not a paedophile.

Although I am a gay gypsy asylum seeker.

Did you take the piss? My office now, or
I call the police.

I'll tell you something, mate. What I'm
trying to do is throw my daughter

swimming. That's all I'm doing.

I'm doing what everybody here is
thinking I'm actually doing. Is that

No.

Come on, let's go to the office. Let's
sort this out in the office. Let's go.

What the... He's printed it all out in
symbols.

What the hell has he done that for?

He's like, it starts in Japanese. It's
full of asterisks and

exclamation marks. I should have kept an
eye on it if it was going through.

Does your advice seem to never close?

Can I start again now?

That stupid novel has used up all the
paper.

Hang on, there's no paper left.

There was a whole box of paper here
yesterday.

Where the hell has it gone?

Oh, yeah. I might be able to help you
with this.

I did print out some stuff on the
Spartacus and Psychologist and knuckle

-cracking. So you're telling me that
you've used up a whole box of paper

printing out material about... There was
more on knuckle -cracking than I

expected. Oh, God.

I need to print out this registration
form that the course of tomorrow... Why

it happening to me?

Maybe, deep down...

You want it to happen to you.

I'd run if I were you.

So, Karen recorded a personal best?

Yep. Brilliant.

Is she pleased?

Not really.

She came third.

Third?

Third. Oh, God.

Do you want a drink?

I've already got one, thanks.

Have you taken Jake out for his drive?

Yeah.

And how... We'll pay for an instructor.

With dual controls.

How long were you out there with him?

A thing like days.

Especially when we got onto the dual
carriageway.

He took you on a dual carriageway?

Not intentionally.

He just suddenly turned left for no
earthly reason.

I told you, he will never pass his test.

No, I don't know. His emergency stops
were quite good.

Oh, did you get to print my novel off?
Yeah, it's on the side.

Hiya. Hi. How was rehearsal?

Yeah, it was good.

Mr. Fathom Hill really likes my
psychological interpretation of

You know, how he's only rebelling
against Rome because he really wants

approval.

Right.

I can't give this to Phil's wife to
read. Look at it. It's gone blind.

Well, I'm sorry, but that was the only
paper left, OK?

It hasn't even got to the bit where the
samurai teams up with Gandhi. Where's

the rest of it?

The printer broke.

Broke? Yeah.

It was an accident.

There are no accidents. He had it
coming.

Does no one in this family have any self
-control?

No.

Karen came third.

I'm afraid so.

Look, I think all we can do is keep
positive and give her as much emotion.

hello. Hey, well done on today.

Personal best. That's brilliant.

Yeah, brilliant.

It's quite an achievement to do.

Ben!

Ben? Help!

Honestly. Sorry.

I was just trying to lighten things up.
People aren't always in the mood to be

ensnared in a net.

So you can't sit down.

Yeah. No.

PB, that's something to be proud of. Did
they give you a medal?

She left it behind.

In the bin.

Well, I suppose even champions lose
sometimes. But the mark of a true

is whether you can accept defeat
gracefully.

Did you?

Except to peep gracefully. Yes.

Apart from demanding a drugs test.

That girl had shoulders like a gorilla.
And dropping out of the relay team. Oh,

Karen, honestly.

And do you let her get away with that? I
can't physically force someone to swim,

can I? Well, I saw Bradley Wiggins doing
an interview, and he says that you

actually learn more from the feet.

Well, that's very true. You work out why
you didn't win. I know why I didn't

win. Good.

It's because of the family.

Eh? You all wrecked my confidence.

I think that... Him with his
visualising, and you with your long

can never follow, and Dad with his
banging on about self -control, and then

telling everyone that he's a gypsy gay
asylum seeker.

That was irony.

Not everyone got it.

It's no wonder that I lost.

Maybe you wanted to lose.

I lost because I come from a family of
losers.

Well, thanks for that.

I've got to go and watch Pointless.

This is exactly what I need. She needs
someone to lay down some boundaries,

spell out some reality.

Be our guest.

Oh, someone has to. Well, you're clearly
the man for the job, being such a

parenting expert.

All right, then I will.

Listen, Karen, you need to have a long,
hard look at yourself because this life

doesn't owe you a living, you know?

And it's not a one -way street because
it goes two ways.

Not one.

And it doesn't revolve around you like
you're some kind of roundabout.

Like he understands about roundabouts.

Oh, African countries beginning with a
B.

Botswana, Burundi.

Burundi. Burundi.

Burundi. Burundi. Burundi.

Burundi.

Burundi. How long should we leave him in
there with her? Till his spirit breaks.

Belgian Congo.

What I'm really saying is you have to be
prepared to make people

halfway and not make the world come to
you all the way.

This is drivel. Now, that is exactly
what I mean, Karen. That is... Stop it.

Mum! Dad!

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