All language subtitles for Outnumbered s02e08 Christmas Special

Ben! Karen!

For the last time, they are not
lightsabers, they are toilet brushes!

Put them back!

Gus! God, there's 500 presents and they
are dueling with... Hey, are you

alright? You look a bit... Yeah, I think
you should sit down.

He's gone into shock.

What happened?

Well, the sale's always like that. Oh,
yeah.

It's just like rugby, but played by old
ladies.

Oh, did you get that CD player?

Yeah, well, Mum had the last one in her
hand and then some old bitch snatched

it. Jake, you... Sorry, it's my fault. I
shouldn't have called her that.

Isn't it soon?

What? It's 11 in the morning.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's Christmas. It's all right.

Mummy, I've made my New Year's
resolutions.

Oh, good.

I will not poke my fingers in the
butter.

Well, I didn't know you did that, but...
I will not chew my duvet.

Excellent. I will not call people
idiots.

Very good. Mummy will stop nagging me.

Yeah, but, no, hang on. You can't make
resolutions for other people. Mummy will

stop giving me cabbage.

No, no, you make resolutions for
yourself.

Dad, you know our burglars?

We don't really think of them as our
burglars.

I'm really surprised they didn't take my
lucky pig skull.

Who wouldn't want that?

Yeah. Well, exactly. I mean, what were
they thinking?

Maybe they've already got one. I think
it'd be worth £30 ,000 on eBay.

Most cars don't even cost that, do they?

Well, I only got £50 for our car on
eBay.

Yeah, well, we said we wouldn't talk
about that, didn't we?

That man was very annoyed.

Karen, I will make New Year's
resolutions, but I will choose my own.

But your resolutions are rubbish.

They're all stuff like, I will... Eat
less biscuits so I get more thin or I

learn Italian.

But what we really need is for you to
stop nagging. Don't be so rude. See?

Like then, you'll nag more. I do not
nag. You may learn Italian, but then you

could just nag in Italian.

Can you stop banging on about me
learning Italian?

Anyway, how many resolutions have you
got there?

48. And how many are for you?

Some.

Three.

Idiot.

Ben can't understand why the burglars
didn't take his piece of chewing gum

was spat out by Chef Fabregas.

Well, I'm quite surprised they didn't
take Jake's iPod because it was just

sitting here on the counter.

Yeah, well, I think the mess may have
worked in our favour there.

It's a bit odd they took the CD player
and none of the CDs.

Oh, come on. Anyone who likes Phil
Collins is going to be way too old and

to get over our gate. There's Oasis.

And Coldplay, that came out last year.

You have no idea, do you?

where they could have taken the CDs and
sold them. Yeah, like anyone buys CDs

nowadays. Well, some people do. Some
people acquire their music legally.

Here we go.

That downloading you do, that is
basically theft.

Everyone else does it. Just because
everyone else does it doesn't make it

I knew you were going to do it. All
right, all right. Look, now, I've

a claim form online.

Amazingly, I've found some receipts. And
our total loss is...

£302 .59.

Right, what's the excess?

It's going to be £300, isn't it? Er,
yep.

Thank you, Father Christmas.

I can't get it out from behind the
radiator.

Yeah, yeah.

It's that yellow dinosaur Auntie Jean
gave him. It's really stuck.

I'll have another go with the skewer in
a moment.

I think it's his arm that's stuck.

I'll have another go with the skewer in
a moment.

Ah!

You shouldn't be trying to rescue Ben's
stupid dinosaur. You should be trying to

rescue Rusty. He's not a toy. He's a
living hamster.

Well, let's hope so.

Hey, Ben, if you've got anything, you
must be able to get it out.

Ease, ease it out. I'm supposed to be
looking after him.

He's a class hamster and I had a duty of
care.

Yeah, well, he's stuck under the floor.
I'm not going to rip up all the

floorboards. I bet you'd rip the
floorboards up if Ben was stuck under

Well, we did.

But what if a puppy was trapped?

Well, then I might rip the floor up,
yeah, but I'm not... But how about a

porpoise?

It's very unlikely... What if a porpoise
was stuck?

OK, Karen, I promise that if a porpoise
is ever trapped under the floor, I will

rescue it.

I'm going to write that down.

No, this is my day! I must be headed off
to get Dad soon.

You haven't forgotten Jane's coming at
one, have you?

I just wish you'd mentioned it to me
before you invited her for lunch, that's

all. Well, little Alexa's spending
Christmas with her dad, and so Jane's on

own, and I don't think she's got any
friends.

Yeah, well, there's a reason for that.

Oh, it'll be fine. It'll be good. It'll
be like the Christmases I remember.

It'll be open house, people dropping in,
lots of noise.

The noise of Jane moaning.

Well, I'm sorry, but, you know, she'll
come round here and she will bang on

about her terrible life and her horrible
ex -husband and... I'm not with you in

Christmas. She's my friend. She's bad
enough having to see our families

seeing friends as well.

Ben's not allowed in. He's not a proper
asylum seeker.

And also, he's not wearing any pants
under his trousers.

Ben, put some pants on.

What is it without some pants?

So how many Christmas presents broken
now?

Um, six by noon on Boxing Day. I think
we've beaten last year's record.

So we're going to put in a claim for £2
.59.

Well, it's not worth putting in,
obviously.

No.

Unless... Unless?

Well, unless... Oh, unless. I mean,
there are loads of items, you know, in

past that we never claimed for.

What was that?

Video camera that got reversed over.

That ring of mine got swallowed.

Yeah, we could have put in claims for
those and we didn't. I mean... If

we were to add on the occasional item,

that would be OK, wouldn't it?

Oh, yeah, that would be fine. Two
questions.

One, if you didn't go to the toilet for
months and years, would you explode?

Yes. And two, why do they call it Boxing
Day?

Because you end up knee -deep in boxes.

They put your underpants on?

Couldn't find any. Maybe the robbers
stole them. Ben, the robbers did not

your underpants.

Not even drug -addled morons would steal
your underpants.

They could have been stolen by robbers
who had a baby. Ben... And they needed

something to give to their baby. Ben,
now you're naming them. Yeah, but they

could name their baby after me, so it'd
have the right name.

So they named their baby after the name
in your pants?

Yeah. Just leave that.

Leave the electrics alone. We don't want
to end up in casualty on Boxing Day.

They could be strange creatures from
another planet. And they think that

are food.

Are we going to eat your pants?

Maybe. Go and put some pants on.

Right, let's get moving. I don't want
Dad to get agitated or anxious. Oh, God.

Oh, I keep thinking about that
documentary.

Sue. The old people's home where
everybody's mistreated.

That's a statistic about how many old
people die within the first year of

put into... Listen.

You did the right thing by your dad.

You checked that place out really
thoroughly, didn't you?

He hasn't said anything, has he?

No, he's OK.

He did have that run -in with a Russian
carer.

She overreacted.

Dad's generation, they're just not
politically correct, are they?

And he's right, she does look a bit like
Darwin.

The moustache doesn't help.

Mum, I think the robbers might have
broken your bedside lamp.

Oh. Oh, just leave it.

Now, what have you put about the back
gate being left open? Because that would

make the claim invalid, wouldn't it? It
wasn't me.

Well, I put that they forced it open.

Which they sort of did.

Except by using the handle and turning.

But it is quite stiff, so...

They might well have had to do that
forcibly.

But as long as everybody knows it wasn't
me. Yes, yes, yes, we know it.

Actually, darling, if a man comes and
asks if the gate was left unlocked,

it wasn't.

But it was.

Well, yes, but don't say it was
unlocked.

But it was.

Just say it wasn't. So you want me to
lie?

So you're always saying, oh, don't lie,
but now you're saying, do lie, now

you're saying, Karen, lie.

Well, how about you just don't say
anything?

But what if he asks me?

He won't. But what if he does?

Then just say, I don't know. But I do
know. You told me it was unlocked.

We could have made a mistake.

Or you could have lied, because you're
lying to the insurance man now, so you

could be always lying.

So I'll just say that Mummy and Daddy
said that the gate was locked, but they

are big, fat liars.

Well, that was Christmassy.

Will they come back?

Will the burglars come back?

What? The burglars could come back? No,
Karen, of course not. No -one's saying

that. The burglars aren't coming back.
But they could hit us with their iron

bars when we're asleep. No one's going
to hit you with anything. And anyway,

robbers just want to take your stuff.
They don't want to hurt you. What about

the Vikings?

Vikings? Yeah, the Vikings.

They will rob you and hurt you.

Well, actually, historians now think
that the Vikings weren't nearly as

Can we not worry about the history?

What about the thuggies? They would rob
you and they would steal your kids for

slaves. And then they'd burn your house
down. They could just, like, pin you to

a table.

All over you. So you're like little
pieces of meat.

then they'd bury you under their palace.
There aren't people like that round

now. Yeah, but what about the things
that are now?

Ben. Like the group of Mexican women who
would, like, invite you round to their

house for smoothies. That was in Mexico.

They'd drug you.

Ben.

And none of this family are dwarf
wrestlers. Can you stop

him? Where are you learning this stuff?

I think it was in R .E. Listen, Karen,
you don't have to worry about robbers

coming back.

And in the unlikely event that they
did...

They'd only come when people were out.
You said they were stupid and take

And if they were stupid and take drugs,
they wouldn't be able to know if the

light was on in our house or if the
light was on in their head. Hey, hey,

come on.

Listen, you, come here.

You have absolutely nothing to worry
about, OK?

OK. I promise you, as your dad, that
those robbers are never, ever

coming back.

Okay. Okay?

Off you go.

I bet you they do come back, then.

Bob and Jane got turned over four times
on this one.

They've got an association.

No, you can't, Ben, because A, that
experiment is way too complicated for

new chemistry set, and B, that's
probably how swine flu started.

Oh, there's water coming out of it now.

Oh.

God, well, I definitely can't turn my
head off that thing. I've dropped the

barbecue tongs.

Ben, your dinosaur doesn't look much
like a dinosaur anymore. Karen, shut up!

looks like a jellyfish that's been in a
fire.

If you're not sure, I'm going to throw
this radio on top of you and it's just

going to help. Okay, okay, everyone,
keep calm. Don't turn the thing off.

Ben, banging your head against the wall
is not keeping calm.

Mum, everyone downloads for free. If you
want me to be the only kid in the world

who pays for his music, then maybe I
should get more pocket money. Come off

Jake. Listen, ditch.

You're only a few millimetres taller
than me.

Yeah, but from here on in, you're just
going to keep getting shorter.

Oi.

Look, I'm just saying, Daddy, you should
have not really got any presents

because you don't believe in God and
Jesus and all that stuff.

It's OK for you to get loads, is it?

Well, obviously, because I'm a
Christian.

Well, you are at Christmas.

What? Nothing. Look, I can see it. I can
see it. So, Ben, you get ready to

flick, and Karen, when I say grab, grab,
okay?

So, flick and grab.

I've got it.

That's the barbecue tongs out.

What about my dinosaur? Well, I'll have
another try later. I've got the whole

lunch to... It's my favourite dinosaur.

It'll melt.

Okay, okay, look, calm down.

It's my favourite toy. Why don't you
just go and relax in front of the telly?

Oh, OK.

Karen,

I said you could both go and watch the
telly.

I think my arm's stuck.

Of course it is.

Ow! And when Dad buys his Oasis CDs,
he's just sort of giving money to the

Gallaghers, isn't he? And Noel has said
in the past that he used to spend all

his money on drugs and stuff.

So you're basically just giving money to
drug barons who are like, spend that

money on guns and then go and kill
bloody peasants. I mean, how moral is

Mum? How moral is that?

Well, that's all very ingenious, Jake,
but in the end the fact remains that

illegal downloading is just theft.

What? Like fiddling the insurance
company.

What are you watching?

Well, it was some really cool pictures
of an earthquake, but now it's just some

stupid men in toots coming on and saying
sorry.

Yeah.

Robin. Ah, it's a review of the year.

2009. The year of the apology.

Who are those three?

They're bankers.

They're apologising to the country.

What for?

Well, they lost a lot of our money.

So then we had to give them even more of
our money to replace our money that

they'd lost.

But they're idiots.

They should be fired.

Well, he is.

And what? That's a fair good one. He was
fired?

And what happened to him?

We gave them more of our money.

Oh, there's Gordon Brown.

Boo, get him off! Is he saying sorry?

No, that would take too long.

In terms of the morality of it, how
morality is about insurance? They're two

entirely different concepts.

So you're saying it's OK to fool the
insurance companies?

Yeah, but, Mum, it's really no different
from my downloads, is it?

Basically, what you're doing is just
theft.

Well, everyone else does it.

Just because everyone else does it,
doesn't make it okay.

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

Who are those friendly little men?

One of them looks like Yoda and the
other one looks like he -ping -ping.

Friendly little men? Those are the
Gurkhas. They're very fierce soldiers.

And who's that? That's the big one.

The big one with the blonde hair and the
teeth.

Is she a girl as well?

Joanna Lumley, that's what it says
anyway.

Lumley. No, Lumley.

Lumley. But it says there, Joanna
Lumley.

I'm sure there's no need to worry.

Often they just fall asleep.

Dad? Are you sure he's not in one of the
communal? Very sure.

Look, let's not get worried.

No. I am worried, and as someone in
charge of an old folks' home who's just

an old folk, I think you should be
worried.

Well, it's possible he's popped out.

Popped out?

No, Lumley.

Lumley? Lumley!

I'm going to have to talk to your
teachers.

Oh, high noon. Oh, you'll love this.
It's brilliant.

No, it's not. You made us watch it last
Christmas.

Rubbish. That sheriff only has to kill
three men.

What kind of film is that?

Well, it's a good film. A hero should
have to kill more than three people.

imagine how short The Matrix 2 would be
if Keanu Reeves only had to kill three

people instead of 167.

Not counting that man who flies off the
back of the lorry, because he might have

survived. Yeah, but this... I'll get it.

Oh, who's that going to be? Maybe it's
Jane.

What, an hour early?

I haven't seen any comets or horses
eating their young. There is no way that

that's going to be...

My God.

This is from this morning.

Nothing there.

Nothing there.

I knew you were home with a mistake.

Fine. Found him.

That's good. He's with Mac.

I wonder where they've got to this time.

This time?

Oh, they've probably toddled off to the
pub. How do they get past all the

keypads on the doors?

Oh, I wish I knew.

So you're saying that there's a
particular pub that they go to? Well,

probably not up to finding a particular
pub, but if they wander around long

enough, they come across a pub in the
end.

Hello?

Oh, hello. Hi.

Yeah.

So, I suppose it would just be silly to
go home, come back out again. I hope

being early is not a problem.

Good grief, no. No, it's a nice
surprise.

Use a goat.

Yeah.

The desert is encroaching on sub
-Saharan villages. And for them, a goat

huge difference.

So it's a present to the sub -Saharan.

Well, no, it's yours. But it's them who
get to use it.

And you can enjoy that. I think it's a
terrific gift. Look, Jane, why don't you

take the kids and go and play some games
in the living room? Oh, God, no, Pete.

I'll keep you company. You don't want to
be left on your own.

Right.

Seven. I was so upset when I heard about
your burglary.

It's horrible, isn't it? You think
they're going to come back and murder

your bed?

Yeah, but that won't happen, will it?
Well, if they've got keys, you could

through the door and find some knife
-wielding psychopath waiting to stab

Yeah, but they haven't got our keys.
They didn't take our keys, so we've got

nothing to worry about, have we?

Oh, no, sorry.

You've got nothing to worry about,
that's for sure.

That's right.

But it is such a violation, isn't it?

They just want to go out and kill the
people who did it. You would have to do

that. No.

Oh, my God.

Ben, I've told you, go easy with the
dismembered hand.

Ah! The hand of doom is ripping my face
off.

I've got to get it off the... So it's
definitely my goat?

Yeah.

Actually, Karen, if you don't mind.

All right, then.

I'd like to see my goat.

or something?

Or could it come to me for the weekend?

I think the cost of transporting a goat
on a plane for the weekend... So it's

going to grow up, have baby goat, grow
old and then die without me even ever

seeing it? We can talk about it later.

It's a very ugly goat as well.

No, you can't shoot burglars. So only
the police can shoot burglars?

No, they can't. So when they catch a
burglar they can only whack them with a

stick?

And they've been... The police can't
whack burglars with a big stick.

I think Winnie's the wrong name for a
goat because goats don't winnie, horses

winnie. Goats go bah, like sheep, but a
bit different.

Is this actually a photograph of my goat
or is it just a goat?

Er... I don't know. Maybe I won't even
ever get to see a photo of my goat.

we go downstairs?

So, it's not actually a present to me.

It's a present to some sub -sub...

All right, it's a Christmas present to
some sub -Saharan.

All right, then.

I'm fine with that. I've got loads of
Christmas presents anyway.

Can soldiers shoot people?

Yep. So I'm going to be a soldier and
shoot burglars. No, no, no. If you're a

soldier, you still can't shoot burglars.
So how can you stop burglars if you

can't shoot them?

Well, you... You can get an aye -aye.

A what?

You know, it's a Brazilian little bush
baby thing.

The aye -aye's are really, really cool
creatures. And there's a myth that says

when you look an aye -aye in the eye,
you die.

Look, I've got to concentrate on this.
They could have an aye -aye hiding from

them when he opens the door. The aye
-aye would just go... I'll put the aye

thing to the neighbourhood watch.

Can you set wild dogs and burglars? No.
Electric use the doorknobs to make

them... No. Dig traps in the garden. No,
Ben, you cannot dig... You've dug

another trap in the garden, haven't you?

Dad? Hey, hello, love.

What a coincidence.

No, Dad, it's not a coincidence.

We've been searching high and low for
you. We've even had the police out

for you.

Yes.

You're meant to be coming to us for
lunch.

Am I?

Yes, Grandad, it's Boxing Day.

Oh, well, I find it a bit tricky keeping
track of the days, so, to be honest, I

don't really bother.

Oh, where are my manners?

Er, this is Mac.

Mac, this is my daughter Sue and my
grandson Ben.

Jake. Jake.

Oh, where are you going, you crowling
fairly?

Being the hoosty chump that that is.

Robbie Burns.

He can't remember a bugger all, but he
can remember all that. Our old clothes

looked as good as new.

Don't understand everything he says.

Right, well, look, we'll drop Mac back
at the home and then we'll take you on

ours, OK?

Did you understand what I just said,
Dad? Yeah, dropping Matt back at

So we'll... Why do you call it Colditz?

Eh? You called it Colditz.

Why did you call it Colditz? What?

Come on, Mum, let's go.

He called it Colditz. Why?

We escaped from Colditz. See, they keep
calling it Colditz. I know, Mum, but

we've got to get Matt back to the home
and we're late already.

She's gone. Yeah, you're right.

OK, I'm on you two.

And then when married men find out
you're a single mum, they just hit on

the time.

Do they?

Is there anything I can do to help Pete?

No, you're fine. Just tell me if there
is. No, you're fine.

It's lovely being surrounded by kids at
Christmas.

Yeah, it's lovely.

Of course, my little Alexis with her
father.

His lawyer threatened me. What kind of a
dad does that? I tell you, Pete, he is

such a... Kids! Who wants to watch a
DVD?

You and Jane can watch a nice DVD while
we're waiting for the others to arrive.

Yeah, let's watch a DVD!

Right, let's see what we've got here.

Gladiator.

Groundhog Day.

Slice of ham.

Christmas Carol, how about that?

I love that. Oh, no, not the Christmas
Carol. I can't watch that. Why not?

It's because of Bob Scratchit. He's an
idiot.

Why? Scrooge has been horrible to him
for thousands and thousands of years.

And now he just...

and now he buys them one goose, and
suddenly it's, well, do come in, Mr

Oh, thank you, Mr Scrooge. The Cratchits
can see that Scrooge is trained. One

day of niceness doesn't make up for
thousands of days of horribleness.

No, but... If Hitler said, oh, sorry, I
bombed loads of people, but I promise

that I'll be good for the rest of my
life, and then he bought everybody a

would we let him off?

Well, I think if Hitler had...

It doesn't have to be Christmas Carol.

OK, Dad, I'll just get Mac back inside
and explain to the staff that you're

coming home for lunch with us, OK?

Oh, Mac's coming home for lunch with us.
That's lovely. Cheers, Sue.

No. No, Dad, Mac is having his lunch
here, so you hop out of the car, Mac,

I... No, Dad, you don't need to get out
of the car because you're coming on to

ours. Right. So you stay in the car,
and, Mac, you hop out.

And I'll take you back inside.

Where are you taking Mac?

Inside. I just said that. I'm sorry, but
you were muttering.

Come on, Mac.

Oh, for God's sake, Dad!

No, Grandad.

Get in the car. You're staying with me.

Come on, Mac.

Come watch the football tonight,
Grandad.

Fulham and Chelsea.

I grew up watching Chelsea.

I used to stand under... You did a big
Bob Rill sign, yeah, I know. Had some

great players in those days.

Roy Bentley, Eric Parsons, Frankie
Blumstone, Reggie Cray.

That's not right.

Reggie... I bet the lunches are lively
here, are they?

Too lively.

Too much yakking.

Always have my lunch with Frank.

In his room.

Always. Together.

Always. Right, well, I'm afraid we've
borrowed him today still.

He'll be back... Come on then, Mac.

In we go.

Oh, God!

Sorry,

he's faster than he looks.

Are you OK, Pete? Is there anything else
I can do to help?

No, you're fine.

Everything's under control.

Why don't you go back in and watch some
more DVDs? Oh, no.

Kids got bored. Now they're watching the
Christmas edition of World's Weirdest

Body. Oh, God.

Well, she'll be back soon.

Oh.

Know who that's from?

Alexa. No, her dad.

He likes to send me these nasty little
messages.

Take a look. Go on.

No, I don't mind.

Really.

That is nasty.

That is really nasty.

He sent me three on Christmas Day.

All gloating that he had Alexa.

I wasn't...

Always like this, you know.

I used to be a moderately together sort
of person.

Well, compared to this.

You're looking at what happens when all
the confidence gets kicked out of a

person.

Sorry.

I'll leave you to it. No, no, no, Dave.

Let's chat.

Dad, come quick! There's a woman with a
head like a pumpkin.

There's not much Christmas spirit in
that, is there?

Come on, come on. It is rather unkind
watching this kind of... My God, look at

that. Look at her stable!

I bet she put her in Halloween. No, come
on.

What's wrong with you?

That was really interesting.

You can't just turn it off. The baby
Jesus was not born in a stable so we

sit around watching pumpkin -headed
women.

Or dwarves with massive breasts.

In the wrong places. Come on, let's do
something festive.

I know, games.

Is his name Peter?

No. Then what is his name? Have I ever
murdered anybody?

Yep. Am I known for being sort of
troubled?

Is he a historical figure?

Hopefully soon.

Does my name begin with an F?

Are you looking through the paper?

Like, do I have some sort of eating
disorder?

A thumb of bin laden. Yeah. Well done.

Finally, somebody cool. Someone cool?

How can you think? One, he has a gun.
Two, he likes to blow things up. Three,

he's got a really cool beard. Since when
was that cool? Four, he's had a hiding

place for ages. And five, he sings Numa
Numa really well on YouTube.

Well, he's not cool, though, is he? He's
a terrorist. He blew up the Twin

Towers. That's not cool.

They are here. OK, everyone.

Lunch in minus five.

Hi, Frank. Hi, Grandad. Happy Christmas.
Happy Boxing Day, Grandad.

Grandad? Do you want to play Who Am I?

Um, I think that's probably not a very
Grandad -friendly game, Ben.

Why don't you sit down, Frank? Right.

Do you remember Jane, Grandad?

No. Oh.

Grandad, I did this picture for you. Oh,
yes.

This is you.

That's your unicorn.

And you're fighting a Salomon -laden
Voldemort. And that's the creepy one

sits next to the cow, and I can't
remember her name.

How is everything?

Jane! Did you get here all right? Yeah.

Actually, I was an hour early.

Can I make you some coffee?

No, it's been fine.

You were right. It's nice to do
something for people who are on their

Christmas. Mm -hm. Yeah.

This is Mac.

But he's going to be joining us for
lunch.

No, he can't. Come on, how?

Is he Albanian?

No, no, darling, he's from Scotland.

Right, here's for a drink.

Be joining what? It would be nice. I'll
get that.

Here, look.

Carolyn's done me this lovely drawing.

That horse has got a javelin coming out
of its head. No, it's a unicorn.

Oh, look, that's a horse, right? That's
its head. This is a unicorn. What do you

mean, head?

Head, head.

Head. Is it head?

Aye, head, head.

What language are you speaking? I'm
speaking, I'm speaking English. What

do? The poor man has no one. I couldn't
leave him there on his own.

They call it cold hands. What do you
mean, a wee bit? A wee bit, a totty bit.

you mean a tiny bit? Aye, a tiny bit.
Why do you say wee there?

Wee is the same thing as totty. A totty
wee bit is even weirder than a wee bit.

How you're getting to totty, totty,
totty, totty, totty, totty, totty,

till you disappear into your name.

Name? Name. So, do you want me to talk
like you, then?

Well, no, I'm not saying I want you to,
but why don't you?

But why should I? Talk like this all the
time. Sorry, Mac.

Is that football?

Aye, I used to play inside right for St
Munn. Who's St Munn?

A football team. What's an inside right?
At Chelsea, I used to stand on the

great big bubble side. Inside right
what?

Inside right. It's just inside the
outside right, just ahead of the right

Is this football we're talking about?
They had some great players in those

Roy Bentley, Frankie Bluntstone, Reggie
Dixon. No, he played the organ.

Hello. What's the first course, chef?

Well, my speciality, hamster soup. What?

It's a joke, Karen. Yeah, well, there's
some things you don't joke about. We're

not going to declare a national day of
mourning for one lost hamster.

Perhaps. We'll find its way back.

Well, I doubt it. I mean, they're not a
very bright animal.

Yeah, well, hamsters can store food in
its cheeks, but I bet you can't do that.

That's what she's talking about. Maybe
the burglar took the hamster for his

lunch. You can't say that!

You're the one who let him out! All
right, there's enough hamster bait.

all this about a burglary?

Oh, it's nothing to worry about, Dad. It
was just a minor break and nothing much

was taken. Yeah, just over £300 worth.
He's going up all the time.

Is that more possible? I need more about
the insurance. They're going to have to

do something.

You could do with stronger locks on
these doors, bolts, top and bottom.

Mortar's deadlock.

That's what you need.

Something to give you a wee bit of
resistance.

You seem very knowledgeable, Mac. Ah,
well, for ten years I was a figure

consultant. Oh, yeah? And for 20 years
before that, I was a burglar.

This looks tasty.

Did you just say he was a burglar?

Yep.

OK, everyone, this looks lovely. Well
done, chef.

Perfect.

Excuse me, are we not going to say grey?

Well,

we don't usually... We're not really
religious, see?

We don't...

I just thought we've all got our health
and all this lovely food and there's

loads of people out there with nothing.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Some he meet and can he eat and some he
name that want it. But we he meet and we

can eat so let the Lord be thank it.

Amen. I didn't understand a word of
that.

Roaring... King Kong.

Frankenstein. It's got four syllables.
He's really fat.

I don't know.

It's impossible.

Shrek. Four syllables.

Shrek.

Shrek. Shrek. Shrek.

Shrek. Shrek.

Shrek. Shrek. Shrek. Shrek. Shrek.
Shrek. Shrek. Shrek.

Shrek.

Shrek.

It's an inconvenient truth.

The icebergs are melting and a polar
bear is drowning.

Okay, third word.

The whole thing. TV, okay.

Dinosaur! Dead.

Hit the dead!

Kill the dead!

Slap the dead!

Strangle the... Swap the dead! Shoot the
dead!

What's he doing?

Slap the dead!

My turn.

I've got one. Ready?

It's a book.

A blind man. An old man with a stick.
Angry blind man.

You're right. This is definitely what
Christmas is about, isn't it?

Throwing your home open to family and
friends and ex -burglars.

A lion.

With an animal. Old man and his dog.
Definitely a book.

What book do you think Ben is doing?

Elephant. And he's the elephant. I've
got this terrible feeling he's doing the

Bible.

All of the Bible.

Rabbit, kangaroo. I think that's Noah
and the ark.

Hunchback. Yeah, you see, there are the
crabs going in two by two.

Top up.

Musician. Flute. Trumpet. Mars Davis.

Ah, he's got to Joshua and the Battle of
Jericho.

I'm not looking forward to Sodom and
Gomorrah.

Angry. Angry old man.

Alan Sugar.

Apprentice.

There you go.

Returned safe and sound and looking
forward to his lunch. One lost dad.

That's not my dad.

What? We found my dad.

I did ring the station. Did no one tell
you? I asked you specifically if you

were Frank, father of Sue Brockman, and
you said, yes, I am.

Yep, I'm Frank.

But you told me, oh, for... I'm telling
you, sometimes there is a case for

police brutality.

I'm starving.

Well, I suppose I could take him along
to crisis at Christmas, but I was there

earlier and they really are struggling.

Though what would be handy is if someone
were to just take him in and give him

some lunch.

As a gesture of seasonal goodwill.

Well, I... Sorry, we're a bit goodwilled
out.

Already got a full house, I'm afraid.

Ah, right.

Okay.

Come on, you.

John Harrison's at number 27.

No questions.

Well...

teaching against having leaflets for our
letterbox.

Good stuff to the bog. Oh, Dad, um, you
know this home where you're living?

What, Colditz?

Yeah, why do you keep calling it
Colditz? Is there something wrong with

it horrible?

No, I like it. So why do you keep
calling it Colditz? Well, for a laugh.

For a laugh?

Yeah, it's a joke.

Colditz, you need to relax and see the
funny side of things too. It's always

been your problem.

But, Reggie Matthews. That was him.

Yeah, goalie. Chelsea in England.

Yeah, Reg Matthews.

Zombie.

Leopard.

Leopard. Mummy.

He's gone as far as Lazarus. Mummy,
Mummy 2.

What is it?

Oh, Jake, can we have a little word
about something?

Oh, it was Ben who downloaded it. Well,
no, no, it's not about whatever that

turns out to be, but...

It's about our insurance claim for the
robbery.

Oh. And we know that you think that
we're guilty of double standards.

And we have taken that on board.

And so we've decided we're not going to
make a false claim.

OK.

Cheers, guys.

Do you think he bought that?

Yeah, kids are so gullible. Drink?

Everyone ready?

I was born to take my sister to the
picture show.

Bang, bang, bang, when Frankie's young,
he shot me down.