Original subtitles

Ben! Karen!

For the last time, they are not lightsabers, they are toilet brushes!

Put them back!

Gus! God, there's 500 presents and they are dueling with... Hey, are you

alright? You look a bit... Yeah, I think you should sit down.

He's gone into shock.

What happened?

Well, the sale's always like that. Oh, yeah.

It's just like rugby, but played by old ladies.

Oh, did you get that CD player?

Yeah, well, Mum had the last one in her hand and then some old bitch snatched

it. Jake, you... Sorry, it's my fault. I shouldn't have called her that.

Isn't it soon?

What? It's 11 in the morning.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's Christmas. It's all right.

Mummy, I've made my New Year's resolutions.

Oh, good.

I will not poke my fingers in the butter.

Well, I didn't know you did that, but... I will not chew my duvet.

Excellent. I will not call people idiots.

Very good. Mummy will stop nagging me.

Yeah, but, no, hang on. You can't make resolutions for other people. Mummy will

stop giving me cabbage.

No, no, you make resolutions for yourself.

Dad, you know our burglars?

We don't really think of them as our burglars.

I'm really surprised they didn't take my lucky pig skull.

Who wouldn't want that?

Yeah. Well, exactly. I mean, what were they thinking?

Maybe they've already got one. I think it'd be worth £30 ,000 on eBay.

Most cars don't even cost that, do they?

Well, I only got £50 for our car on eBay.

Yeah, well, we said we wouldn't talk about that, didn't we?

That man was very annoyed.

Karen, I will make New Year's resolutions, but I will choose my own.

But your resolutions are rubbish.

They're all stuff like, I will... Eat less biscuits so I get more thin or I

learn Italian.

But what we really need is for you to stop nagging. Don't be so rude. See?

Like then, you'll nag more. I do not nag. You may learn Italian, but then you

could just nag in Italian.

Can you stop banging on about me learning Italian?

Anyway, how many resolutions have you got there?

48. And how many are for you?

Some.

Three.

Idiot.

Ben can't understand why the burglars didn't take his piece of chewing gum

was spat out by Chef Fabregas.

Well, I'm quite surprised they didn't take Jake's iPod because it was just

sitting here on the counter.

Yeah, well, I think the mess may have worked in our favour there.

It's a bit odd they took the CD player and none of the CDs.

Oh, come on. Anyone who likes Phil Collins is going to be way too old and

to get over our gate. There's Oasis.

And Coldplay, that came out last year.

You have no idea, do you?

where they could have taken the CDs and sold them. Yeah, like anyone buys CDs

nowadays. Well, some people do. Some people acquire their music legally.

Here we go.

That downloading you do, that is basically theft.

Everyone else does it. Just because everyone else does it doesn't make it

I knew you were going to do it. All right, all right. Look, now, I've

a claim form online.

Amazingly, I've found some receipts. And our total loss is...

£302 .59.

Right, what's the excess?

It's going to be £300, isn't it? Er, yep.

Thank you, Father Christmas.

I can't get it out from behind the radiator.

Yeah, yeah.

It's that yellow dinosaur Auntie Jean gave him. It's really stuck.

I'll have another go with the skewer in a moment.

I think it's his arm that's stuck.

I'll have another go with the skewer in a moment.

Ah!

You shouldn't be trying to rescue Ben's stupid dinosaur. You should be trying to

rescue Rusty. He's not a toy. He's a living hamster.

Well, let's hope so.

Hey, Ben, if you've got anything, you must be able to get it out.

Ease, ease it out. I'm supposed to be looking after him.

He's a class hamster and I had a duty of care.

Yeah, well, he's stuck under the floor. I'm not going to rip up all the

floorboards. I bet you'd rip the floorboards up if Ben was stuck under

Well, we did.

But what if a puppy was trapped?

Well, then I might rip the floor up, yeah, but I'm not... But how about a

porpoise?

It's very unlikely... What if a porpoise was stuck?

OK, Karen, I promise that if a porpoise is ever trapped under the floor, I will

rescue it.

I'm going to write that down.

No, this is my day! I must be headed off to get Dad soon.

You haven't forgotten Jane's coming at one, have you?

I just wish you'd mentioned it to me before you invited her for lunch, that's

all. Well, little Alexa's spending Christmas with her dad, and so Jane's on

own, and I don't think she's got any friends.

Yeah, well, there's a reason for that.

Oh, it'll be fine. It'll be good. It'll be like the Christmases I remember.

It'll be open house, people dropping in, lots of noise.

The noise of Jane moaning.

Well, I'm sorry, but, you know, she'll come round here and she will bang on

about her terrible life and her horrible ex -husband and... I'm not with you in

Christmas. She's my friend. She's bad enough having to see our families

seeing friends as well.

Ben's not allowed in. He's not a proper asylum seeker.

And also, he's not wearing any pants under his trousers.

Ben, put some pants on.

What is it without some pants?

So how many Christmas presents broken now?

Um, six by noon on Boxing Day. I think we've beaten last year's record.

So we're going to put in a claim for £2 .59.

Well, it's not worth putting in, obviously.

No.

Unless... Unless?

Well, unless... Oh, unless. I mean, there are loads of items, you know, in

past that we never claimed for.

What was that?

Video camera that got reversed over.

That ring of mine got swallowed.

Yeah, we could have put in claims for those and we didn't. I mean... If

we were to add on the occasional item,

that would be OK, wouldn't it?

Oh, yeah, that would be fine. Two questions.

One, if you didn't go to the toilet for months and years, would you explode?

Yes. And two, why do they call it Boxing Day?

Because you end up knee -deep in boxes.

They put your underpants on?

Couldn't find any. Maybe the robbers stole them. Ben, the robbers did not

your underpants.

Not even drug -addled morons would steal your underpants.

They could have been stolen by robbers who had a baby. Ben... And they needed

something to give to their baby. Ben, now you're naming them. Yeah, but they

could name their baby after me, so it'd have the right name.

So they named their baby after the name in your pants?

Yeah. Just leave that.

Leave the electrics alone. We don't want to end up in casualty on Boxing Day.

They could be strange creatures from another planet. And they think that

are food.

Are we going to eat your pants?

Maybe. Go and put some pants on.

Right, let's get moving. I don't want Dad to get agitated or anxious. Oh, God.

Oh, I keep thinking about that documentary.

Sue. The old people's home where everybody's mistreated.

That's a statistic about how many old people die within the first year of

put into... Listen.

You did the right thing by your dad.

You checked that place out really thoroughly, didn't you?

He hasn't said anything, has he?

No, he's OK.

He did have that run -in with a Russian carer.

She overreacted.

Dad's generation, they're just not politically correct, are they?

And he's right, she does look a bit like Darwin.

The moustache doesn't help.

Mum, I think the robbers might have broken your bedside lamp.

Oh. Oh, just leave it.

Now, what have you put about the back gate being left open? Because that would

make the claim invalid, wouldn't it? It wasn't me.

Well, I put that they forced it open.

Which they sort of did.

Except by using the handle and turning.

But it is quite stiff, so...

They might well have had to do that forcibly.

But as long as everybody knows it wasn't me. Yes, yes, yes, we know it.

Actually, darling, if a man comes and asks if the gate was left unlocked,

it wasn't.

But it was.

Well, yes, but don't say it was unlocked.

But it was.

Just say it wasn't. So you want me to lie?

So you're always saying, oh, don't lie, but now you're saying, do lie, now

you're saying, Karen, lie.

Well, how about you just don't say anything?

But what if he asks me?

He won't. But what if he does?

Then just say, I don't know. But I do know. You told me it was unlocked.

We could have made a mistake.

Or you could have lied, because you're lying to the insurance man now, so you

could be always lying.

So I'll just say that Mummy and Daddy said that the gate was locked, but they

are big, fat liars.

Well, that was Christmassy.

Will they come back?

Will the burglars come back?

What? The burglars could come back? No, Karen, of course not. No -one's saying

that. The burglars aren't coming back. But they could hit us with their iron

bars when we're asleep. No one's going to hit you with anything. And anyway,

robbers just want to take your stuff. They don't want to hurt you. What about

the Vikings?

Vikings? Yeah, the Vikings.

They will rob you and hurt you.

Well, actually, historians now think that the Vikings weren't nearly as

Can we not worry about the history?

What about the thuggies? They would rob you and they would steal your kids for

slaves. And then they'd burn your house down. They could just, like, pin you to

a table.

All over you. So you're like little pieces of meat.

then they'd bury you under their palace. There aren't people like that round

now. Yeah, but what about the things that are now?

Ben. Like the group of Mexican women who would, like, invite you round to their

house for smoothies. That was in Mexico.

They'd drug you.

Ben.

And none of this family are dwarf wrestlers. Can you stop

him? Where are you learning this stuff?

I think it was in R .E. Listen, Karen, you don't have to worry about robbers

coming back.

And in the unlikely event that they did...

They'd only come when people were out. You said they were stupid and take

And if they were stupid and take drugs, they wouldn't be able to know if the

light was on in our house or if the light was on in their head. Hey, hey,

come on.

Listen, you, come here.

You have absolutely nothing to worry about, OK?

OK. I promise you, as your dad, that those robbers are never, ever

coming back.

Okay. Okay?

Off you go.

I bet you they do come back, then.

Bob and Jane got turned over four times on this one.

They've got an association.

No, you can't, Ben, because A, that experiment is way too complicated for

new chemistry set, and B, that's probably how swine flu started.

Oh, there's water coming out of it now.

Oh.

God, well, I definitely can't turn my head off that thing. I've dropped the

barbecue tongs.

Ben, your dinosaur doesn't look much like a dinosaur anymore. Karen, shut up!

looks like a jellyfish that's been in a fire.

If you're not sure, I'm going to throw this radio on top of you and it's just

going to help. Okay, okay, everyone, keep calm. Don't turn the thing off.

Ben, banging your head against the wall is not keeping calm.

Mum, everyone downloads for free. If you want me to be the only kid in the world

who pays for his music, then maybe I should get more pocket money. Come off

Jake. Listen, ditch.

You're only a few millimetres taller than me.

Yeah, but from here on in, you're just going to keep getting shorter.

Oi.

Look, I'm just saying, Daddy, you should have not really got any presents

because you don't believe in God and Jesus and all that stuff.

It's OK for you to get loads, is it?

Well, obviously, because I'm a Christian.

Well, you are at Christmas.

What? Nothing. Look, I can see it. I can see it. So, Ben, you get ready to

flick, and Karen, when I say grab, grab, okay?

So, flick and grab.

I've got it.

That's the barbecue tongs out.

What about my dinosaur? Well, I'll have another try later. I've got the whole

lunch to... It's my favourite dinosaur.

It'll melt.

Okay, okay, look, calm down.

It's my favourite toy. Why don't you just go and relax in front of the telly?

Oh, OK.

Karen,

I said you could both go and watch the telly.

I think my arm's stuck.

Of course it is.

Ow! And when Dad buys his Oasis CDs, he's just sort of giving money to the

Gallaghers, isn't he? And Noel has said in the past that he used to spend all

his money on drugs and stuff.

So you're basically just giving money to drug barons who are like, spend that

money on guns and then go and kill bloody peasants. I mean, how moral is

Mum? How moral is that?

Well, that's all very ingenious, Jake, but in the end the fact remains that

illegal downloading is just theft.

What? Like fiddling the insurance company.

What are you watching?

Well, it was some really cool pictures of an earthquake, but now it's just some

stupid men in toots coming on and saying sorry.

Yeah.

Robin. Ah, it's a review of the year.

2009. The year of the apology.

Who are those three?

They're bankers.

They're apologising to the country.

What for?

Well, they lost a lot of our money.

So then we had to give them even more of our money to replace our money that

they'd lost.

But they're idiots.

They should be fired.

Well, he is.

And what? That's a fair good one. He was fired?

And what happened to him?

We gave them more of our money.

Oh, there's Gordon Brown.

Boo, get him off! Is he saying sorry?

No, that would take too long.

In terms of the morality of it, how morality is about insurance? They're two

entirely different concepts.

So you're saying it's OK to fool the insurance companies?

Yeah, but, Mum, it's really no different from my downloads, is it?

Basically, what you're doing is just theft.

Well, everyone else does it.

Just because everyone else does it, doesn't make it okay.

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

Who are those friendly little men?

One of them looks like Yoda and the other one looks like he -ping -ping.

Friendly little men? Those are the Gurkhas. They're very fierce soldiers.

And who's that? That's the big one.

The big one with the blonde hair and the teeth.

Is she a girl as well?

Joanna Lumley, that's what it says anyway.

Lumley. No, Lumley.

Lumley. But it says there, Joanna Lumley.

I'm sure there's no need to worry.

Often they just fall asleep.

Dad? Are you sure he's not in one of the communal? Very sure.

Look, let's not get worried.

No. I am worried, and as someone in charge of an old folks' home who's just

an old folk, I think you should be worried.

Well, it's possible he's popped out.

Popped out?

No, Lumley.

Lumley? Lumley!

I'm going to have to talk to your teachers.

Oh, high noon. Oh, you'll love this. It's brilliant.

No, it's not. You made us watch it last Christmas.

Rubbish. That sheriff only has to kill three men.

What kind of film is that?

Well, it's a good film. A hero should have to kill more than three people.

imagine how short The Matrix 2 would be if Keanu Reeves only had to kill three

people instead of 167.

Not counting that man who flies off the back of the lorry, because he might have

survived. Yeah, but this... I'll get it.

Oh, who's that going to be? Maybe it's Jane.

What, an hour early?

I haven't seen any comets or horses eating their young. There is no way that

that's going to be...

My God.

This is from this morning.

Nothing there.

Nothing there.

I knew you were home with a mistake.

Fine. Found him.

That's good. He's with Mac.

I wonder where they've got to this time.

This time?

Oh, they've probably toddled off to the pub. How do they get past all the

keypads on the doors?

Oh, I wish I knew.

So you're saying that there's a particular pub that they go to? Well,

probably not up to finding a particular pub, but if they wander around long

enough, they come across a pub in the end.

Hello?

Oh, hello. Hi.

Yeah.

So, I suppose it would just be silly to go home, come back out again. I hope

being early is not a problem.

Good grief, no. No, it's a nice surprise.

Use a goat.

Yeah.

The desert is encroaching on sub -Saharan villages. And for them, a goat

huge difference.

So it's a present to the sub -Saharan.

Well, no, it's yours. But it's them who get to use it.

And you can enjoy that. I think it's a terrific gift. Look, Jane, why don't you

take the kids and go and play some games in the living room? Oh, God, no, Pete.

I'll keep you company. You don't want to be left on your own.

Right.

Seven. I was so upset when I heard about your burglary.

It's horrible, isn't it? You think they're going to come back and murder

your bed?

Yeah, but that won't happen, will it? Well, if they've got keys, you could

through the door and find some knife -wielding psychopath waiting to stab

Yeah, but they haven't got our keys. They didn't take our keys, so we've got

nothing to worry about, have we?

Oh, no, sorry.

You've got nothing to worry about, that's for sure.

That's right.

But it is such a violation, isn't it?

They just want to go out and kill the people who did it. You would have to do

that. No.

Oh, my God.

Ben, I've told you, go easy with the dismembered hand.

Ah! The hand of doom is ripping my face off.

I've got to get it off the... So it's definitely my goat?

Yeah.

Actually, Karen, if you don't mind.

All right, then.

I'd like to see my goat.

or something?

Or could it come to me for the weekend?

I think the cost of transporting a goat on a plane for the weekend... So it's

going to grow up, have baby goat, grow old and then die without me even ever

seeing it? We can talk about it later.

It's a very ugly goat as well.

No, you can't shoot burglars. So only the police can shoot burglars?

No, they can't. So when they catch a burglar they can only whack them with a

stick?

And they've been... The police can't whack burglars with a big stick.

I think Winnie's the wrong name for a goat because goats don't winnie, horses

winnie. Goats go bah, like sheep, but a bit different.

Is this actually a photograph of my goat or is it just a goat?

Er... I don't know. Maybe I won't even ever get to see a photo of my goat.

we go downstairs?

So, it's not actually a present to me.

It's a present to some sub -sub...

All right, it's a Christmas present to some sub -Saharan.

All right, then.

I'm fine with that. I've got loads of Christmas presents anyway.

Can soldiers shoot people?

Yep. So I'm going to be a soldier and shoot burglars. No, no, no. If you're a

soldier, you still can't shoot burglars. So how can you stop burglars if you

can't shoot them?

Well, you... You can get an aye -aye.

A what?

You know, it's a Brazilian little bush baby thing.

The aye -aye's are really, really cool creatures. And there's a myth that says

when you look an aye -aye in the eye, you die.

Look, I've got to concentrate on this. They could have an aye -aye hiding from

them when he opens the door. The aye -aye would just go... I'll put the aye

thing to the neighbourhood watch.

Can you set wild dogs and burglars? No. Electric use the doorknobs to make

them... No. Dig traps in the garden. No, Ben, you cannot dig... You've dug

another trap in the garden, haven't you?

Dad? Hey, hello, love.

What a coincidence.

No, Dad, it's not a coincidence.

We've been searching high and low for you. We've even had the police out

for you.

Yes.

You're meant to be coming to us for lunch.

Am I?

Yes, Grandad, it's Boxing Day.

Oh, well, I find it a bit tricky keeping track of the days, so, to be honest, I

don't really bother.

Oh, where are my manners?

Er, this is Mac.

Mac, this is my daughter Sue and my grandson Ben.

Jake. Jake.

Oh, where are you going, you crowling fairly?

Being the hoosty chump that that is.

Robbie Burns.

He can't remember a bugger all, but he can remember all that. Our old clothes

looked as good as new.

Don't understand everything he says.

Right, well, look, we'll drop Mac back at the home and then we'll take you on

ours, OK?

Did you understand what I just said, Dad? Yeah, dropping Matt back at

So we'll... Why do you call it Colditz?

Eh? You called it Colditz.

Why did you call it Colditz? What?

Come on, Mum, let's go.

He called it Colditz. Why?

We escaped from Colditz. See, they keep calling it Colditz. I know, Mum, but

we've got to get Matt back to the home and we're late already.

She's gone. Yeah, you're right.

OK, I'm on you two.

And then when married men find out you're a single mum, they just hit on

the time.

Do they?

Is there anything I can do to help Pete?

No, you're fine. Just tell me if there is. No, you're fine.

It's lovely being surrounded by kids at Christmas.

Yeah, it's lovely.

Of course, my little Alexis with her father.

His lawyer threatened me. What kind of a dad does that? I tell you, Pete, he is

such a... Kids! Who wants to watch a DVD?

You and Jane can watch a nice DVD while we're waiting for the others to arrive.

Yeah, let's watch a DVD!

Right, let's see what we've got here.

Gladiator.

Groundhog Day.

Slice of ham.

Christmas Carol, how about that?

I love that. Oh, no, not the Christmas Carol. I can't watch that. Why not?

It's because of Bob Scratchit. He's an idiot.

Why? Scrooge has been horrible to him for thousands and thousands of years.

And now he just...

and now he buys them one goose, and suddenly it's, well, do come in, Mr

Oh, thank you, Mr Scrooge. The Cratchits can see that Scrooge is trained. One

day of niceness doesn't make up for thousands of days of horribleness.

No, but... If Hitler said, oh, sorry, I bombed loads of people, but I promise

that I'll be good for the rest of my life, and then he bought everybody a

would we let him off?

Well, I think if Hitler had...

It doesn't have to be Christmas Carol.

OK, Dad, I'll just get Mac back inside and explain to the staff that you're

coming home for lunch with us, OK?

Oh, Mac's coming home for lunch with us. That's lovely. Cheers, Sue.

No. No, Dad, Mac is having his lunch here, so you hop out of the car, Mac,

I... No, Dad, you don't need to get out of the car because you're coming on to

ours. Right. So you stay in the car, and, Mac, you hop out.

And I'll take you back inside.

Where are you taking Mac?

Inside. I just said that. I'm sorry, but you were muttering.

Come on, Mac.

Oh, for God's sake, Dad!

No, Grandad.

Get in the car. You're staying with me.

Come on, Mac.

Come watch the football tonight, Grandad.

Fulham and Chelsea.

I grew up watching Chelsea.

I used to stand under... You did a big Bob Rill sign, yeah, I know. Had some

great players in those days.

Roy Bentley, Eric Parsons, Frankie Blumstone, Reggie Cray.

That's not right.

Reggie... I bet the lunches are lively here, are they?

Too lively.

Too much yakking.

Always have my lunch with Frank.

In his room.

Always. Together.

Always. Right, well, I'm afraid we've borrowed him today still.

He'll be back... Come on then, Mac.

In we go.

Oh, God!

Sorry,

he's faster than he looks.

Are you OK, Pete? Is there anything else I can do to help?

No, you're fine.

Everything's under control.

Why don't you go back in and watch some more DVDs? Oh, no.

Kids got bored. Now they're watching the Christmas edition of World's Weirdest

Body. Oh, God.

Well, she'll be back soon.

Oh.

Know who that's from?

Alexa. No, her dad.

He likes to send me these nasty little messages.

Take a look. Go on.

No, I don't mind.

Really.

That is nasty.

That is really nasty.

He sent me three on Christmas Day.

All gloating that he had Alexa.

I wasn't...

Always like this, you know.

I used to be a moderately together sort of person.

Well, compared to this.

You're looking at what happens when all the confidence gets kicked out of a

person.

Sorry.

I'll leave you to it. No, no, no, Dave.

Let's chat.

Dad, come quick! There's a woman with a head like a pumpkin.

There's not much Christmas spirit in that, is there?

Come on, come on. It is rather unkind watching this kind of... My God, look at

that. Look at her stable!

I bet she put her in Halloween. No, come on.

What's wrong with you?

That was really interesting.

You can't just turn it off. The baby Jesus was not born in a stable so we

sit around watching pumpkin -headed women.

Or dwarves with massive breasts.

In the wrong places. Come on, let's do something festive.

I know, games.

Is his name Peter?

No. Then what is his name? Have I ever murdered anybody?

Yep. Am I known for being sort of troubled?

Is he a historical figure?

Hopefully soon.

Does my name begin with an F?

Are you looking through the paper?

Like, do I have some sort of eating disorder?

A thumb of bin laden. Yeah. Well done.

Finally, somebody cool. Someone cool?

How can you think? One, he has a gun. Two, he likes to blow things up. Three,

he's got a really cool beard. Since when was that cool? Four, he's had a hiding

place for ages. And five, he sings Numa Numa really well on YouTube.

Well, he's not cool, though, is he? He's a terrorist. He blew up the Twin

Towers. That's not cool.

They are here. OK, everyone.

Lunch in minus five.

Hi, Frank. Hi, Grandad. Happy Christmas. Happy Boxing Day, Grandad.

Grandad? Do you want to play Who Am I?

Um, I think that's probably not a very Grandad -friendly game, Ben.

Why don't you sit down, Frank? Right.

Do you remember Jane, Grandad?

No. Oh.

Grandad, I did this picture for you. Oh, yes.

This is you.

That's your unicorn.

And you're fighting a Salomon -laden Voldemort. And that's the creepy one

sits next to the cow, and I can't remember her name.

How is everything?

Jane! Did you get here all right? Yeah.

Actually, I was an hour early.

Can I make you some coffee?

No, it's been fine.

You were right. It's nice to do something for people who are on their

Christmas. Mm -hm. Yeah.

This is Mac.

But he's going to be joining us for lunch.

No, he can't. Come on, how?

Is he Albanian?

No, no, darling, he's from Scotland.

Right, here's for a drink.

Be joining what? It would be nice. I'll get that.

Here, look.

Carolyn's done me this lovely drawing.

That horse has got a javelin coming out of its head. No, it's a unicorn.

Oh, look, that's a horse, right? That's its head. This is a unicorn. What do you

mean, head?

Head, head.

Head. Is it head?

Aye, head, head.

What language are you speaking? I'm speaking, I'm speaking English. What

do? The poor man has no one. I couldn't leave him there on his own.

They call it cold hands. What do you mean, a wee bit? A wee bit, a totty bit.

you mean a tiny bit? Aye, a tiny bit. Why do you say wee there?

Wee is the same thing as totty. A totty wee bit is even weirder than a wee bit.

How you're getting to totty, totty, totty, totty, totty, totty, totty,

till you disappear into your name.

Name? Name. So, do you want me to talk like you, then?

Well, no, I'm not saying I want you to, but why don't you?

But why should I? Talk like this all the time. Sorry, Mac.

Is that football?

Aye, I used to play inside right for St Munn. Who's St Munn?

A football team. What's an inside right? At Chelsea, I used to stand on the

great big bubble side. Inside right what?

Inside right. It's just inside the outside right, just ahead of the right

Is this football we're talking about? They had some great players in those

Roy Bentley, Frankie Bluntstone, Reggie Dixon. No, he played the organ.

Hello. What's the first course, chef?

Well, my speciality, hamster soup. What?

It's a joke, Karen. Yeah, well, there's some things you don't joke about. We're

not going to declare a national day of mourning for one lost hamster.

Perhaps. We'll find its way back.

Well, I doubt it. I mean, they're not a very bright animal.

Yeah, well, hamsters can store food in its cheeks, but I bet you can't do that.

That's what she's talking about. Maybe the burglar took the hamster for his

lunch. You can't say that!

You're the one who let him out! All right, there's enough hamster bait.

all this about a burglary?

Oh, it's nothing to worry about, Dad. It was just a minor break and nothing much

was taken. Yeah, just over £300 worth. He's going up all the time.

Is that more possible? I need more about the insurance. They're going to have to

do something.

You could do with stronger locks on these doors, bolts, top and bottom.

Mortar's deadlock.

That's what you need.

Something to give you a wee bit of resistance.

You seem very knowledgeable, Mac. Ah, well, for ten years I was a figure

consultant. Oh, yeah? And for 20 years before that, I was a burglar.

This looks tasty.

Did you just say he was a burglar?

Yep.

OK, everyone, this looks lovely. Well done, chef.

Perfect.

Excuse me, are we not going to say grey?

Well,

we don't usually... We're not really religious, see?

We don't...

I just thought we've all got our health and all this lovely food and there's

loads of people out there with nothing.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Some he meet and can he eat and some he name that want it. But we he meet and we

can eat so let the Lord be thank it.

Amen. I didn't understand a word of that.

Roaring... King Kong.

Frankenstein. It's got four syllables. He's really fat.

I don't know.

It's impossible.

Shrek. Four syllables.

Shrek.

Shrek. Shrek. Shrek.

Shrek. Shrek.

Shrek. Shrek. Shrek. Shrek. Shrek. Shrek. Shrek. Shrek.

Shrek.

Shrek.

It's an inconvenient truth.

The icebergs are melting and a polar bear is drowning.

Okay, third word.

The whole thing. TV, okay.

Dinosaur! Dead.

Hit the dead!

Kill the dead!

Slap the dead!

Strangle the... Swap the dead! Shoot the dead!

What's he doing?

Slap the dead!

My turn.

I've got one. Ready?

It's a book.

A blind man. An old man with a stick. Angry blind man.

You're right. This is definitely what Christmas is about, isn't it?

Throwing your home open to family and friends and ex -burglars.

A lion.

With an animal. Old man and his dog. Definitely a book.

What book do you think Ben is doing?

Elephant. And he's the elephant. I've got this terrible feeling he's doing the

Bible.

All of the Bible.

Rabbit, kangaroo. I think that's Noah and the ark.

Hunchback. Yeah, you see, there are the crabs going in two by two.

Top up.

Musician. Flute. Trumpet. Mars Davis.

Ah, he's got to Joshua and the Battle of Jericho.

I'm not looking forward to Sodom and Gomorrah.

Angry. Angry old man.

Alan Sugar.

Apprentice.

There you go.

Returned safe and sound and looking forward to his lunch. One lost dad.

That's not my dad.

What? We found my dad.

I did ring the station. Did no one tell you? I asked you specifically if you

were Frank, father of Sue Brockman, and you said, yes, I am.

Yep, I'm Frank.

But you told me, oh, for... I'm telling you, sometimes there is a case for

police brutality.

I'm starving.

Well, I suppose I could take him along to crisis at Christmas, but I was there

earlier and they really are struggling.

Though what would be handy is if someone were to just take him in and give him

some lunch.

As a gesture of seasonal goodwill.

Well, I... Sorry, we're a bit goodwilled out.

Already got a full house, I'm afraid.

Ah, right.

Okay.

Come on, you.

John Harrison's at number 27.

No questions.

Well...

teaching against having leaflets for our letterbox.

Good stuff to the bog. Oh, Dad, um, you know this home where you're living?

What, Colditz?

Yeah, why do you keep calling it Colditz? Is there something wrong with

it horrible?

No, I like it. So why do you keep calling it Colditz? Well, for a laugh.

For a laugh?

Yeah, it's a joke.

Colditz, you need to relax and see the funny side of things too. It's always

been your problem.

But, Reggie Matthews. That was him.

Yeah, goalie. Chelsea in England.

Yeah, Reg Matthews.

Zombie.

Leopard.

Leopard. Mummy.

He's gone as far as Lazarus. Mummy, Mummy 2.

What is it?

Oh, Jake, can we have a little word about something?

Oh, it was Ben who downloaded it. Well, no, no, it's not about whatever that

turns out to be, but...

It's about our insurance claim for the robbery.

Oh. And we know that you think that we're guilty of double standards.

And we have taken that on board.

And so we've decided we're not going to make a false claim.

OK.

Cheers, guys.

Do you think he bought that?

Yeah, kids are so gullible. Drink?

Everyone ready?

I was born to take my sister to the picture show.

Bang, bang, bang, when Frankie's young, he shot me down.

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