Original subtitles

Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

Cavemen, savage Fierce and toothless

Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

Gory stories, we do that

And your host, a talking rat

The past is no longer a mystery

Welcome to...

Horrible Histories presents...

Welcome to ancient Egypt.

I am Pharaoh Rattasees II,

son of Verminhotep and Queen Nefersqueaky.

I am your guide through the age of the pharaohs,

the kings and queens who ruled for 3,000 years.

They built the pyramids, the Great Sphinx,

and secret tombs of pharaohs, like Tutankhamun,

that are so well hidden, they won't be found for thousands of yeaaaars!

Ow!

Found one!

There's some amazing stuff in this tomb,

including an actual Pharaoh.

Mind you, he's not dressed as fancy as me.

You see, when pharaohs die, they get a bit of a makeover.

Ooh!

Hiya! Hello!

We have a very special royal surprise for someone today.

Yeah. We have got a makeover to die for.

Let's go and give them the good news.

Wow! Seti I,

recently deceased Egyptian pharaoh.

We're going to be dressing you for Duat,

the Egyptian afterlife!

Surprise! Yay!

Oh, bless!

I think someone is a bit overwhelmed.

And also dead.

Let's get on and do this.

So, Seti, you simply can't go on the mystical afterlife journey

to the Field of Reeds or whatever, looking like that.

Or smelling like this.

You smell like my nan, Seti! FLIES BUZZ

What are we calling it, Hippopota-Musk?

Let's get to work.

You might want to lie down for this bit.

SMASH!

Let's get organ cleansing.

So, what we thought we'd do is start out

with some basic brain mushing with this big, nasty hook.

Vicious! Then we're going to pull all that mush out through your nose.

Does that sound OK to you, sweetheart?

His silence speaks volumes.

Then we're going to remove your lungs,

your intestines, your stomach, your liver,

and pop them in these tiny little jars

so you can use them in the afterlife.

These little jars are just too cute. But don't worry,

we're not going to be leaving you feeling all empty.

We're going to be stuffing you to the brim with bits of grass,

straw, mud, rags,

and my personal favourite, sawdust.

He is good to go!

Yes, King! Total babe.

But I think it's time that we sort out those threads.

Yeah. Now, clothes-wise, I was thinking we'd just cover you

in bandages with magic spells written on?

Love that detail.

And to finish off,

a tres chic death mask.

What do you think, Seti? "I SPHINX it's great!"

I thought he was alive again or something!

Do we think he's ready?

BOTH: So ready, he's deady!

Let's give this Pharaoh...

FALLING OUT OF SYNC: ..some Sarcopha-Sass!

Come on, we practised that! All right!

Before we met Seti I, his look was dead boring.

But look at him now.

Talk about a yummy mummy!

Work it, twerk it, strike a pose!

And no-one can hold a pose like Seti.

You are not the only one that has died and gone to heaven!

Well, that's it for today's special royal makeover.

Seti's ready for the afterlife

and we're ready for the after... After life...party. ..party.

Sorry. Style it out.

I'm Cleopatra, one of the most famous Ancient Egyptian pharaohs.

I ruled at the same time as Julius Caesar and Mark Antony.

Whazzup, Mark Anthony fans?

Go away! This isn't about you! Whoa! CAT SCREECHES

It's about me, one of the last ever pharaohs.

And it's about the more than 150 other pharaohs

who came before me,

including Tutankhamun, Ramesses II,

and, way back at the very start,

the first pharaoh, called Narmer.

Narmer is said to have united the separate parts

of Egypt into one kingdom.

He eventually died an old man, but it wasn't old age that killed him.

Well, the palette is finished,

Pharaoh. It is a carved record

of the mighty deeds of your 62-year reign.

Oh, lovely! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Ahh, uhh!

He's fine!

Oh, oh! My back!

Come on, up you pop. Ahh! Oh!

Your Majesty, perhaps the weight is beyond one who has lived so long.

Nonsense! A trifle.

After all, does not my name Narmer

mean The Mighty Catfish?!

NARMER COUGHS

Oh! Hmm.

Are you good? Yes. Yes.

The pictures tell the story of how you united

the kingdoms of the lower and upper Nile.

Did I? Yes, you did.

Oh, that's good of me.

Combining their two crowns... Oh.

..to make one pharaoh of all Egypt.

Ah.

Ah...!

Oh!

Oh, no, I've gone again! He's OK.

Uhh! Oh.

It is a good crown but heavy in weight

and in responsibili... COUGH!

..ty.

You truly are the wisest of all.

GRUNTS

Oh, a hippo! Oh, I love hippos.

Pharaoh, should you really be playing with hippos at your age?

You won't catch me, Mr Hipp... Oh-oh-oh!

Ooh!

Oh, that's got to hurt.

Poor Pharaoh Narmer, so wise in all things.

Except hippos.

GRUNTING Oh! Nice...nice Mr Hippo. Good boy!

Ahh!

Us pharaohs were so powerful that, if we wanted,

we could make our people build whole new cities,

giant lighthouses or vast pyramids.

Watch this.

Oi, you, build me a pyramid!

Build yourself a pyramid, Stinky! GASPS

Charming!

So I guess it was all the pharaohs apart from me

who did the amazing stuff.

Tutankhamun's dad, who was a pharaoh called Amenhotep IV,

even changed the number of gods that people believed in.

Wonder what the big announcement's going to be.

Hmm, I am hoping that Pharaoh Amenhotep IV is going to

announce a new religious holiday. Oh, I love religious holidays. Hmm.

People and priests of Egypt,

your pharaoh, Acanaten, wishes to speak with you.

Well, that's great, Queen Nefertiti, but the pharaoh's called Amenhotep.

That is what he wishes to speak to you about.

I've changed my name from Amenhotep...

Right. OK...

..to Akhenaten.

Huh. That's a bit of a let down cos I was hoping for the holiday.

I know you were.

Your pharaoh has taken the name of the one true god...

I think you are mistaken, we have loads of gods.

Absolutely loads.

Not any more.

From this day forth, my kingdom

will reject all of the old gods like Amen... Oh.

..and worship just one god, Aten. Er...

The God of the Sun. Uh-huh.

And worship of all the other gods is now banned.

Well, how do the other gods feel about that?

Look, it's perfectly simple.

We do not worship Amen No, no, no

We do not worship Amen

Amen is an old god He's an old god

We no longer like them, we now worship the disc in the sky

Pray to the disc in the sky

His name is Aten and he is your new friend

Sunshine!

You leading this country or am I? I'm sorry, my pharaoh, go on

There's too many gods these days Don't really need them

Thousands of them, all the same Can't say I feel them

Who needs loads when one's OK?

Come on everyone Let's hear you say

We do not worship Amen No, no, no

We do not worship Amen

Don't need no priests He'll only talk to me

He's such a great god I write him poetry

His rays shine down Upon our family

So we do not worship Amen No, no, no

Not a word about Amen Shh

Any reference to Amen Must go, go!

Aten's all you need to know.

Sorry, erm, what does this mean for holidays?

Hey, guys!

It's your boy Irenakhty here to tell you all about my job,

AKA, the best job in the world!

So, I work with the pharaoh.

That's right.

I get up close and personal with literal living gods.

Look, one of them even signed my arm, how cool is that?

What's the best bit about a pharaoh?

Their crown, their gold,

their dangerously unlimited power?

It's their royal bums, of course.

And that's my job.

I am the royal bottom doctor,

who gives enemas to pharaohs.

I know, right?

You know how, generally with butts, it's all bad stuff,

like, poo coming out?

Well, enemas are when you put good stuff, like medicine, in.

You put medicine up his bum!

My full title is...

That's roughly how it translates into English.

It is a tough job but someone's got to do it.

Now, let's look at the instruments

us Ancient Egyptian butt doctors used.

A tube made of bone, perfect for inserting into the royal rump.

As is this one, made of reed.

And this one, made of metal.

Now, attached to one end of the tube is a bag made of silk,

or, if we're feeling really fancy, ox bladder.

Soz, oxes, I love you but I need your bladder for my bottom pipes.

And then I fill the bag with a special blend of herbs and spices...

Secret blend!

Which I will NOT reveal.

..mixed together with the finest ingredients...

Mmm-mmm! It's good enough to eat!

But don't eat it...

Pfffrrrttt!

"What are enemas even for?!" I hear you cry.

Well, what aren't they for?

Feeling diseased? Get an enema!

Losing your hair? Get an enema!

Going grey? Get an enema!

Feeling like your spirit's all icky? Get an enema!

Getting bored of enemas? You'd better get an enema!

You know, some people call me a hero and I'm, like,

guys, I'm no hero, I'm just a humble shepherd, a shepherd of the butt.

Er, Mr Shepherd?

My next appointment.

What are we thinking?

I'll be honest, it's a metal tube kind of a day.

I'll clear my schedule.

Best job in the world.

Wow! There's a long list of bad jobs in history

but Herdsman of the Butt is at the bottom, literally!

Ha-ha!

Obviously, being pharaoh is one of the best jobs

but it could be dangerous,

as sometimes pharaohs would have to lead their armies into battles.

Like the Battle of Kadesh, which was fought between the Egyptians

of Ramesses II and the Hittites of King Hattusili III.

And it's one of the most famous battles of all time.

Neither side could win by fighting, so they tried to make peace,

but that wasn't smooth sailing either.

Sorting out the beefs of the past...

I don't care if it is a breathtaking monument,

you cannot build a sphinx without planning permission!

..with the justice of today.

And, honestly, half lion, half man?

Just pick one and stick to it next time!

Welcome to...

Ramesses II, third pharaoh of the 19th Dynasty of Egypt,

is in court to face the King of the Hittites, Hattusili III,

over who triumphed at the Battle of Kadesh.

OK, we all get it, you're the heads of warring kingdoms,

you both want the same land, you're about to fight a battle over it,

am I right?

You're way off, Rinder.

We actually just signed a peace treaty

on these massive, silver tablets.

Yeah, it's the earliest example

of a written peace treaty, innit.

We've even given each other presents.

And I'm also marrying his daughter.

What's happening, babes?

I just don't buy it, if you're so nicey-nicey to each other,

what on Earth are you doing in my courtroom?

Well, we's had a slight disagreement

on my stunning victory at the Battle of Kadesh,

where my armies completely destroyed that of his brother's.

What?! My brother totally trashed your Egyptian forces.

As if! Admit you lost!

No, I didn't! Admit it! Admit it!

Admit it! I won! That's it!

I'm banning tablets from the courtroom! Aw!

Ramesses, just give me your version of events.

Right. There I was, all alone.

The Hittites, I slaughtered them all at will.

Whopta-whopta-whopta!

You allow this? He's making it up!

You'll get your turn!

And their arms went limp, so they couldn't shoot.

I made them plunge into the water like crocodiles.

You had way more casualties than us!

Well, if I'm lying,

then why is my version of events written all over

the Egyptian temples in Luxor? Why is that then? Why is that?

Because you put it there on the tablets.

You even sent me a copy, innit?

Oh, I wish I'd never said

that my daughter could marry him.

She'd be better off with a hippo. Ey, whaaaat?

This is Battle of Kadesh part two, you know.

Come on, then! OK!

Woo! Woo!

Order! Order!

Goodness me. If this is the two of you at peace,

I'd hate to see the two of you at war.

You've signed a peace treaty, now honour it, Hattusili.

Fine. I promise to protect his nation, innit?

Ramesses?

Yeah, yeah, I guess I promise to protect his nation too.

Well, thank you.

Even though mine is better and I won the Battle of Kadesh, woo!

Right!

Order! Order! Bailiff, all of this nonsense is giving me a headache.

Please, could you go and find me a tablet?

Oh, you take it out?

Not that sort of tablet.

Although that would look rather good in my bathroom.

Go on, man! I beat you like a drum.

I beat you like a drum, man!

Yeah, there you go!

Bonjour. I am Napolean Bonaparte and in 1798,

I took 40,000 magnificent French soldiers to capture Egypt.

There, we saw ancient wonders, like the pyramids, the Sphinx

and the tombs of the pharaohs.

It was a land awash with history and culture.

So, what present did my wife receive when I got back from the trip?

Was it, A, a jewelled scarab beetle necklace?

B, a gold statue of Ramesses II?

Or C, a mummified head?

The answer

is C, a mummified head!

Ha-ha! Talk about a gift that money can't buy, am I right?

Look how much fun this is!

"I'm not going back in the sarcophagus."

You HAVE to go back into the sarcophagus.

"You can't make me! I'm going to tell my mummy."

Don't be silly, you ARE a mummy!

Ha-ha!

Oh, I should have got her flowers, shouldn't I?

Fearful of an uprising,

Pharaoh Apries has sent

his special envoy Patarbemis

to order the rebel leader Amasis to surrender immediately.

Amasis, you go too far.

How dare you lead this revolution

against the true Egyptian Pharaoh Apries?

He will crush you and your army like the insects that you are,

unless I can convince you to lay down your weapons and surrender.

Then, perhaps, he may be merciful.

I have but one message for your pharaoh.

PARRRRP!

Wha...what?

Take that back to your pharaoh!

Sorry, take what back to my pharaoh?

Oh, you want me to repeat myself? No problem.

PARRP!

You dare to pass wind

in front of the representative of the Pharaoh?

PARP!

Yep. Stop that!

PARP! Nope.

Stop it! PARP!

Sto...! PARP, PARP, PARP!

Stop! Stop! PARP!

Stop!

Please, if I do not return with you, the Pharaoh...

PARP!

..the Pharaoh will cut off my ears

and cut off my nose for my failure.

I mean, that's probably for the best, given how bad this one smells.

PAAAARRRRRRPPPPP!

That does it.

You have made a powerful enemy today,

who will rain vengeance down on you like...

HE SNIFFS

Oh, no, that one just reached me.

Oh, that is vile!

Oh, you're an animal!

Ugh!

Oh, you need to see someone. Ugh!

Come, we must move quickly.

PARRP!

I need to change my pants.

So, Mark Antony,

tell me about this girl you're here to meet.

Yeah, she's pretty fit.

She's actually ruler of Egypt.

But, er, nothing can happen between us.

She's Julius Caesar's ex, and you know the saying -

bros before pharaohs.

But she's beautiful, intelligent, funny,

and... Oh!

Man, has she got a sweet ride!

Wow!

Ooh-ooh!

Cor, that is one massive barge!

Oh, no! How do you stop this thing?

Ah! Ooh!

And it's quite difficult to park.

Hey, there, Mark Antony.

Sorry I had to turn up in this tatty old boat.

Tatty?! Your Majesty had us up all night working on it

to impress the Romans.

Ah!

Huh.

It's OK, I've got another one.

Your Majesty.

PLAYS FLUTE

Why don't you come aboard my little boat?

I'm OK!

Agh!

Are those oars silver?

Might be.

This barge smells amazing.

I mean, it'll make the whole dock smell good.

Which is handy because, at the moment, it smells of...

MOO! PARP, SPLASH!

Yes, well.

I'm so glad you like me barge.

Not that I brought it here to impress you or anything,

but this deck is painted in gold.

Ooh, shiny!

So, why did the big, important Roman general

want to see little old me, hmm?

Ha!

Well, I was wondering if you'd be interested in some sort of alliance.

Ah, you want me to use me riches to make us a power couple

so we can take over the entire world?

What? Well...er, yeah, something like that.

Why don't you and me go for a sail in me golden barge

and talk about this some more?

Forwards!

Good times. Where are we going?

We? Ah! SHE GIGGLES

It's OK. I've got another one.

THEY BOTH LAUGH

Help! A fish stole my flute.

FLUTE PLAYS RANDOMLY

Oh!

Nothing lasts forever, not even pharaohs.

Cleopatra was one of the last, and she famously had children

with Roman Emperor Julius Caesar

and Roman general Mark Antony.

After she and her children died, the title of pharaoh

was then actually also held by the Roman Emperor.

You'd think that'd be a cushy little number,

but for Maximinus Daza, the last ever Roman Emperor Pharaoh,

that wasn't quite the case.

Mm-mm-mm!

MAN: ..and he was covered in bread by the end of the day.

It was like bread everywhere!

He was like a man made of bread.

Drink, please.

Are you OK down there?

Yeah, yeah. All good.

What brings you to Tarsus?

I'd really rather not say.

All right, I was only being friendly.

Just, I really want to stay out of sight,

just in case people are looking for me because, er..

..in truth...

..I'm the Emperor of Rome, Maximinus Daza.

BOTH LAUGH

What would the Emperor of Rome be doing here in Tarsus?

If he's the Emperor of Rome...

Sh! Keep your voice down!

..I'm the Pharaoh of Egypt!

Oh, hello, Pharaoh!

But, actually, you can't be the Pharaoh of Egypt

because I am also that as well.

Oh, of course he's the Pharaoh as well!

Just keep it down!

Funny guy!

Funny guy. Look, it's very, very simple, OK?

I am both the Emperor of Rome and the Pharaoh of Egypt, so...

I mean, you don't dress very Egyptian for a pharaoh!

That's because I'm in hiding.

Anyway, the pharaoh hasn't actually come from Egypt for about 600 years.

BOTH: Ooh!

Of course! Silly us.

Look, if you must know,

the Persians took the title after they conquered Egypt,

then the Greeks conquered the Persians,

then after Cleopatra, it went to the Romans.

Right, and that's how you got it,

because you're the Emperor of Rome!

Stop calling me the Emperor of Rome!

Even though I am.

You just don't want us to say that

because you don't want everyone knowing

you've been telling porky pies.

No, it's because I was deposed by my fellow Emperor,

Licinius Maximinus, and now his people are hunting for me!

Listen, babes, if you want to go round the place

telling people you're a pharaoh/emperor,

you carry on. I don't judge.

So, neither of you believe me. OK, great!

Oh, no, I'm sorry, babes.

Hail Caesar!

What did I say to you? What did I say?

Oh, sorry. Hello... Hello. ..Caesar.

Er, we need to go, sire.

Ah! Mister.

Erm, buddy?

Don't touch me. Yeah.

We shouldn't stay too long in one place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll move on, we'll move on. Go, go, go!

Centurion, as well, so...

..believe people when they say things, yeah?

I knew he was the Emperor.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I can spot a pharaoh a mile off.

Cos I'm the King of Germania.

Shut up. Can I have a free drink?

No.

And that's the end of the pharaohs.

All we're really left with are the monuments they built

and the treasures we found in their tombs -

things that were left with their mummified remains

that the Ancient Egyptians believed

would help get them into the afterlife.

Here are three of the greatest to tell us all about it.

We all know we're heading To the valley of death

We want eternal life

After our last breath

Cos I've been a pharaoh Got a neme on my head

But when we die we need help From the Book Of The Dead

It's a magic scroll of hymns To the sun god Ra

To help us through the afterlife There's many things we must say

Like I've never uttered lies Never been an eavesdropper

I have never raised my voice

Lived my life so proper

Every text is different Written for each soul

But you know in the end We only got one goal

These rules will remind us once we cease to be

And help us live in peace for all eternity

Uh

Been waiting all our lives

To get into pharaoh's paradise

These words will be our guides

To living in a pharaoh's paradise

Spells are written onto walls

Inside our mummy wrappings

Even in gold masks and other pharaoh trappings

Cos getting into paradise You know it 'ain't easy

Your heart is weighed against a feather

Hope it ain't breezy

Then we all board a ferry 'cross the Lily Lake

To the Field of Reeds the ferry man will take us

Then we'll meet our friends

And all beloved pets

In the Field of Reeds

We'll have eternal rest, yeah

Yeah, death ain't nothing but a new form of living

So glad we got the Book Of The Dead and the advice it's giving

I'm 18 now, but will I ever see 20 though?

You better hurry with my book

Don't be slow, mmm

Been waiting all our lives

To get into pharaoh's paradise

These words will be our guides

To living in a pharaoh's paradise

Been spending most our lives

Avoiding dangerous crocodiles

Preparing all our lives

For living in a pharaoh's paradise.

OMP for pharaoh!

I SPHINX it's great!

You smell like my nan, Seti.

What are we calling this? Hippopotamupupupupu...?

LAUGHTER

The past is no longer a mystery

Hope you enjoyed

Horrible Histories.

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