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Terrible Tudors
Gorgeous Georgians
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00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:04,959
Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians
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00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,359
Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights
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00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:09,719
Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
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00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:12,639
Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times
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00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:14,119
Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
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00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:15,799
Cavemen, savage
Fierce and toothless
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00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:18,439
Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
Mean and measly Middle Ages
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00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:20,839
Gory stories, we do that
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00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:23,679
And your host, a talking rat
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00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:26,359
The past is no longer a mystery
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00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,000
Welcome to...
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Horrible Histories presents...
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Welcome to ancient Egypt.
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I am Pharaoh Rattasees II,
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00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:45,919
son of Verminhotep
and Queen Nefersqueaky.
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00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:49,439
I am your guide through the age
of the pharaohs,
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00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:53,839
the kings and queens
who ruled for 3,000 years.
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00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:56,959
They built the pyramids,
the Great Sphinx,
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00:00:56,960 --> 00:01:00,239
and secret tombs of pharaohs,
like Tutankhamun,
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that are so well hidden, they won't
be found for thousands of yeaaaars!
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00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:06,839
Ow!
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Found one!
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00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:12,039
There's some amazing stuff
in this tomb,
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including an actual Pharaoh.
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Mind you, he's not dressed
as fancy as me.
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You see, when pharaohs die,
they get a bit of a makeover.
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00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:22,770
Ooh!
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Hiya! Hello!
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We have a very special
royal surprise for someone today.
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00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:32,919
Yeah. We have got a makeover
to die for.
32
00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:34,879
Let's go and give them
the good news.
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00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:36,879
Wow! Seti I,
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00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:39,119
recently deceased Egyptian pharaoh.
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00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:41,479
We're going to be dressing you
for Duat,
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the Egyptian afterlife!
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00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:44,799
Surprise! Yay!
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Oh, bless!
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I think someone is a bit
overwhelmed.
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And also dead.
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Let's get on and do this.
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So, Seti, you simply can't go on
the mystical afterlife journey
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to the Field of Reeds
or whatever, looking like that.
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00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:12,519
Or smelling like this.
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You smell like my nan, Seti!
FLIES BUZZ
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What are we calling it,
Hippopota-Musk?
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Let's get to work.
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You might want to lie down
for this bit.
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SMASH!
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Let's get organ cleansing.
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00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:30,239
So, what we thought we'd do
is start out
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00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:34,359
with some basic brain mushing
with this big, nasty hook.
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Vicious! Then we're going to pull
all that mush out through your nose.
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Does that sound OK to you,
sweetheart?
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His silence speaks volumes.
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00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:44,879
Then we're going
to remove your lungs,
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00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:47,119
your intestines, your stomach,
your liver,
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00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,919
and pop them
in these tiny little jars
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so you can use them
in the afterlife.
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These little jars are just too cute.
But don't worry,
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00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,079
we're not going
to be leaving you feeling all empty.
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00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:59,359
We're going to be stuffing
you to the brim with bits of grass,
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00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:00,959
straw, mud, rags,
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00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,599
and my personal favourite, sawdust.
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00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,160
He is good to go!
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00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,399
Yes, King! Total babe.
67
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,239
But I think it's time
that we sort out those threads.
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00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,639
Yeah. Now, clothes-wise,
I was thinking we'd just cover you
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00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,999
in bandages with
magic spells written on?
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00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,439
Love that detail.
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00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:20,639
And to finish off,
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00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,599
a tres chic death mask.
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00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:25,319
What do you think, Seti?
"I SPHINX it's great!"
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00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:27,559
I thought he was alive again
or something!
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00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:29,079
Do we think he's ready?
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00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,719
BOTH: So ready, he's deady!
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Let's give this Pharaoh...
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FALLING OUT OF SYNC:
..some Sarcopha-Sass!
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00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,320
Come on, we practised that!
All right!
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00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:46,680
Before we met Seti I,
his look was dead boring.
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00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,439
But look at him now.
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Talk about a yummy mummy!
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00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,799
Work it, twerk it, strike a pose!
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00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:56,559
And no-one can hold
a pose like Seti.
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00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,719
You are not the only one
that has died and gone to heaven!
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00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:03,319
Well, that's it for
today's special royal makeover.
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00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:04,839
Seti's ready for the afterlife
88
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:08,399
and we're ready for the after...
After life...party. ..party.
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00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:10,280
Sorry. Style it out.
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00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:15,799
I'm Cleopatra, one of the most
famous Ancient Egyptian pharaohs.
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00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:20,079
I ruled at the same time
as Julius Caesar and Mark Antony.
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00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:21,679
Whazzup, Mark Anthony fans?
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00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:24,599
Go away! This isn't about you! Whoa!
CAT SCREECHES
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00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:28,279
It's about me,
one of the last ever pharaohs.
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00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:31,399
And it's about the more than
150 other pharaohs
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00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,319
who came before me,
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including Tutankhamun, Ramesses II,
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00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:39,239
and, way back at the very start,
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00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:41,999
the first pharaoh, called Narmer.
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00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,759
Narmer is said to have
united the separate parts
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00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:47,439
of Egypt into one kingdom.
102
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He eventually died an old man, but
it wasn't old age that killed him.
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00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:55,479
Well, the palette is finished,
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00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,519
Pharaoh. It is a carved record
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00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:00,799
of the mighty deeds
of your 62-year reign.
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00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,040
Oh, lovely! Gimme, gimme, gimme!
107
00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,839
Ahh, uhh!
108
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,199
He's fine!
109
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,199
Oh, oh! My back!
110
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:13,479
Come on, up you pop. Ahh! Oh!
111
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,919
Your Majesty, perhaps the weight
is beyond one who has lived so long.
112
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:19,319
Nonsense! A trifle.
113
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After all, does not my name Narmer
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mean The Mighty Catfish?!
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NARMER COUGHS
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Oh! Hmm.
117
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,199
Are you good? Yes. Yes.
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The pictures tell the story
of how you united
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00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,959
the kingdoms of the lower
and upper Nile.
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00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:42,279
Did I? Yes, you did.
121
00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:43,719
Oh, that's good of me.
122
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,839
Combining their two crowns... Oh.
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00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,159
..to make one pharaoh
of all Egypt.
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Ah.
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Ah...!
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00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,079
Oh!
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00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,439
Oh, no, I've gone again! He's OK.
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00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,479
Uhh! Oh.
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00:05:56,480 --> 00:06:00,119
It is a good crown but heavy
in weight
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00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:03,519
and in responsibili...
COUGH!
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00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,119
..ty.
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00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:07,759
You truly are the wisest of all.
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00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:09,519
GRUNTS
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00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:11,760
Oh, a hippo! Oh, I love hippos.
135
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,230
Pharaoh, should you really be
playing with hippos at your age?
136
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,319
You won't catch me,
Mr Hipp... Oh-oh-oh!
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00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:20,839
Ooh!
138
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:22,359
Oh, that's got to hurt.
139
00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:25,719
Poor Pharaoh Narmer,
so wise in all things.
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Except hippos.
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GRUNTING
Oh! Nice...nice Mr Hippo. Good boy!
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Ahh!
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00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:37,599
Us pharaohs were so powerful that,
if we wanted,
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00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,799
we could make our people
build whole new cities,
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00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:44,239
giant lighthouses or vast pyramids.
146
00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:45,399
Watch this.
147
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,279
Oi, you, build me a pyramid!
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00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:51,119
Build yourself a pyramid, Stinky!
GASPS
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Charming!
150
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:56,039
So I guess it was all the pharaohs
apart from me
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00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,839
who did the amazing stuff.
152
00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:01,959
Tutankhamun's dad, who was
a pharaoh called Amenhotep IV,
153
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:06,520
even changed the number of gods
that people believed in.
154
00:07:06,521 --> 00:07:10,839
Wonder what the big
announcement's going to be.
155
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:14,999
Hmm, I am hoping that
Pharaoh Amenhotep IV is going to
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00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:18,719
announce a new religious holiday.
Oh, I love religious holidays. Hmm.
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00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,959
People and priests of Egypt,
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00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:24,399
your pharaoh, Acanaten,
wishes to speak with you.
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00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,759
Well, that's great, Queen Nefertiti,
but the pharaoh's called Amenhotep.
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00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:31,319
That is what
he wishes to speak to you about.
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00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,999
I've changed my name
from Amenhotep...
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Right. OK...
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..to Akhenaten.
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00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:41,479
Huh. That's a bit of a let down
cos I was hoping for the holiday.
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I know you were.
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00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:45,440
Your pharaoh has taken the name
of the one true god...
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00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,479
I think you are mistaken,
we have loads of gods.
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Absolutely loads.
169
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Not any more.
170
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,439
From this day forth, my kingdom
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will reject all of the
old gods like Amen... Oh.
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00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,079
..and worship just one god, Aten.
Er...
173
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:04,199
The God of the Sun. Uh-huh.
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00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,639
And worship of all the other
gods is now banned.
175
00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,879
Well, how do the other
gods feel about that?
176
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,719
Look, it's perfectly simple.
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00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:15,959
We do not worship Amen
No, no, no
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00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:20,839
We do not worship Amen
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00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,599
Amen is an old god
He's an old god
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00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:27,199
We no longer like them, we now
worship the disc in the sky
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00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:29,879
Pray to the disc in the sky
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His name is Aten
and he is your new friend
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00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:34,919
Sunshine!
184
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:38,999
You leading this country or am I?
I'm sorry, my pharaoh, go on
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There's too many gods these days
Don't really need them
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Thousands of them, all the same
Can't say I feel them
187
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Who needs loads when one's OK?
188
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Come on everyone
Let's hear you say
189
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:58,319
We do not worship Amen
No, no, no
190
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:02,679
We do not worship Amen
191
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:06,959
Don't need no priests
He'll only talk to me
192
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:10,480
He's such a great god
I write him poetry
193
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:15,160
His rays shine down
Upon our family
194
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So we do not worship Amen
No, no, no
195
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:26,199
Not a word about Amen
Shh
196
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:30,279
Any reference to Amen
Must go, go!
197
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,479
Aten's all you need to know.
198
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,880
Sorry, erm,
what does this mean for holidays?
199
00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,079
Hey, guys!
200
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,719
It's your boy Irenakhty here to tell
you all about my job,
201
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,080
AKA, the best job in the world!
202
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,159
So, I work with the pharaoh.
203
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:53,319
That's right.
204
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:57,520
I get up close and personal
with literal living gods.
205
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:01,750
Look, one of them even signed my
arm, how cool is that?
206
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,999
What's the best bit about a pharaoh?
207
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,119
Their crown, their gold,
208
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,040
their dangerously unlimited power?
209
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,839
It's their royal bums, of course.
210
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,519
And that's my job.
211
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,479
I am the royal bottom doctor,
212
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,159
who gives enemas to pharaohs.
213
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,210
I know, right?
214
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,199
You know how, generally with butts,
it's all bad stuff,
215
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,799
like, poo coming out?
216
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,879
Well, enemas are when you
put good stuff, like medicine, in.
217
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:35,359
You put medicine up his bum!
218
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,480
My full title is...
219
00:10:37,481 --> 00:10:41,839
That's roughly how it
translates into English.
220
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,639
It is a tough job but
someone's got to do it.
221
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,639
Now, let's look at the instruments
222
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:50,319
us Ancient Egyptian
butt doctors used.
223
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:54,359
A tube made of bone, perfect
for inserting into the royal rump.
224
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,399
As is this one, made of reed.
225
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:57,800
And this one, made of metal.
226
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,519
Now, attached to one end of
the tube is a bag made of silk,
227
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:06,759
or, if we're feeling really fancy,
ox bladder.
228
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:10,799
Soz, oxes, I love you but I need
your bladder for my bottom pipes.
229
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:14,839
And then I fill the bag with a
special blend of herbs and spices...
230
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,679
Secret blend!
231
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,319
Which I will NOT reveal.
232
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,720
..mixed together with the
finest ingredients...
233
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,199
Mmm-mmm! It's good enough to eat!
234
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,320
But don't eat it...
235
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:29,839
Pfffrrrttt!
236
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:33,159
"What are enemas even for?!"
I hear you cry.
237
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,679
Well, what aren't they for?
238
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:36,479
Feeling diseased? Get an enema!
239
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:38,199
Losing your hair? Get an enema!
240
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,639
Going grey? Get an enema!
241
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,319
Feeling like your spirit's
all icky? Get an enema!
242
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,399
Getting bored of enemas?
You'd better get an enema!
243
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,199
You know, some people call me
a hero and I'm, like,
244
00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:53,479
guys, I'm no hero, I'm just a humble
shepherd, a shepherd of the butt.
245
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,439
Er, Mr Shepherd?
246
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:56,519
My next appointment.
247
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:57,599
What are we thinking?
248
00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,890
I'll be honest, it's a
metal tube kind of a day.
249
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:02,680
I'll clear my schedule.
250
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:05,800
Best job in the world.
251
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:11,159
Wow! There's a long list
of bad jobs in history
252
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:14,679
but Herdsman of the Butt
is at the bottom, literally!
253
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,519
Ha-ha!
254
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,639
Obviously, being pharaoh is
one of the best jobs
255
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,439
but it could be dangerous,
256
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:25,079
as sometimes pharaohs would have
to lead their armies into battles.
257
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:28,479
Like the Battle of Kadesh, which was
fought between the Egyptians
258
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:32,719
of Ramesses II and the Hittites
of King Hattusili III.
259
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:35,999
And it's one of the most famous
battles of all time.
260
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,959
Neither side could win by fighting,
so they tried to make peace,
261
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,040
but that wasn't
smooth sailing either.
262
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:47,439
Sorting out the beefs
of the past...
263
00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,879
I don't care if it
is a breathtaking monument,
264
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,839
you cannot build a sphinx without
planning permission!
265
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,839
..with the justice of today.
266
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,199
And, honestly, half lion, half man?
267
00:12:57,200 --> 00:13:00,559
Just pick one
and stick to it next time!
268
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,560
Welcome to...
269
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:10,239
Ramesses II, third pharaoh
of the 19th Dynasty of Egypt,
270
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,079
is in court to face the King
of the Hittites, Hattusili III,
271
00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:16,159
over who triumphed
at the Battle of Kadesh.
272
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,599
OK, we all get it, you're the heads
of warring kingdoms,
273
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:22,679
you both want the same land, you're
about to fight a battle over it,
274
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,159
am I right?
275
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,599
You're way off, Rinder.
276
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:27,559
We actually just signed
a peace treaty
277
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:28,839
on these massive,
silver tablets.
278
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:30,439
Yeah, it's the
earliest example
279
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,079
of a written
peace treaty, innit.
280
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:33,919
We've even given each
other presents.
281
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,119
And I'm also marrying his daughter.
282
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,799
What's happening, babes?
283
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:41,079
I just don't buy it, if you're
so nicey-nicey to each other,
284
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,439
what on Earth
are you doing in my courtroom?
285
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,919
Well, we's had a
slight disagreement
286
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,399
on my stunning victory at
the Battle of Kadesh,
287
00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:51,119
where my armies completely
destroyed that of his brother's.
288
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,559
What?! My brother totally
trashed your Egyptian forces.
289
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,639
As if!
Admit you lost!
290
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,679
No, I didn't!
Admit it! Admit it!
291
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,919
Admit it! I won!
That's it!
292
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,039
I'm banning tablets
from the courtroom! Aw!
293
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,479
Ramesses, just give
me your version of events.
294
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:06,319
Right. There I was, all alone.
295
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,879
The Hittites, I slaughtered
them all at will.
296
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,079
Whopta-whopta-whopta!
297
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,719
You allow this?
He's making it up!
298
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,199
You'll get your turn!
299
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,079
And their arms went limp,
so they couldn't shoot.
300
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,719
I made them plunge
into the water like crocodiles.
301
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,039
You had way more
casualties than us!
302
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:22,159
Well, if I'm lying,
303
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,799
then why is my
version of events written all over
304
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,279
the Egyptian temples in Luxor?
Why is that then? Why is that?
305
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:29,559
Because you put it there
on the tablets.
306
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,559
You even sent me
a copy, innit?
307
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:32,759
Oh, I wish
I'd never said
308
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:34,439
that my daughter
could marry him.
309
00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,239
She'd be better off with a hippo.
Ey, whaaaat?
310
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,479
This is Battle of Kadesh part two,
you know.
311
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:39,679
Come on, then! OK!
312
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:40,799
Woo! Woo!
313
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:41,839
Order! Order!
314
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,919
Goodness me. If this
is the two of you at peace,
315
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,119
I'd hate to see
the two of you at war.
316
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:49,039
You've signed a peace treaty,
now honour it, Hattusili.
317
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,599
Fine. I promise
to protect his nation, innit?
318
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:52,999
Ramesses?
319
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,439
Yeah, yeah, I guess I promise to
protect his nation too.
320
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:56,599
Well, thank you.
321
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,799
Even though mine is better
and I won the Battle of Kadesh, woo!
322
00:14:58,800 --> 00:14:59,999
Right!
323
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,159
Order! Order! Bailiff, all of this
nonsense is giving me a headache.
324
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,279
Please, could you
go and find me a tablet?
325
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:06,599
Oh, you take it out?
326
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,239
Not that sort of tablet.
327
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,039
Although that would look
rather good in my bathroom.
328
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:12,679
Go on, man! I beat you like a drum.
329
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:14,079
I beat you like a drum, man!
330
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:15,479
Yeah, there you go!
331
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:19,799
Bonjour. I am Napolean Bonaparte
and in 1798,
332
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:23,439
I took 40,000 magnificent
French soldiers to capture Egypt.
333
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,439
There, we saw ancient wonders,
like the pyramids, the Sphinx
334
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,519
and the tombs of the pharaohs.
335
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,919
It was a land awash
with history and culture.
336
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:35,959
So, what present did my wife receive
when I got back from the trip?
337
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:39,399
Was it, A,
a jewelled scarab beetle necklace?
338
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:42,719
B, a gold statue of Ramesses II?
339
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,840
Or C, a mummified head?
340
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,439
The answer
341
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:51,119
is C, a mummified head!
342
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:54,039
Ha-ha! Talk about a gift
that money can't buy, am I right?
343
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,919
Look how much fun this is!
344
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,959
"I'm not going back in
the sarcophagus."
345
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,999
You HAVE to go back
into the sarcophagus.
346
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,999
"You can't make me!
I'm going to tell my mummy."
347
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,639
Don't be silly, you ARE a mummy!
348
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,200
Ha-ha!
349
00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:11,440
Oh, I should have got her flowers,
shouldn't I?
350
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,559
Fearful of an uprising,
351
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,079
Pharaoh Apries has sent
352
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,999
his special envoy Patarbemis
353
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:24,160
to order the rebel leader Amasis
to surrender immediately.
354
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,839
Amasis, you go too far.
355
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:31,599
How dare you lead this revolution
356
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:34,959
against the true
Egyptian Pharaoh Apries?
357
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:39,559
He will crush you and your army like
the insects that you are,
358
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,919
unless I can convince you to
lay down your weapons and surrender.
359
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:47,239
Then, perhaps, he may be merciful.
360
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,200
I have but one message
for your pharaoh.
361
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:52,840
PARRRRP!
362
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,119
Wha...what?
363
00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:56,750
Take that back to
your pharaoh!
364
00:16:56,751 --> 00:16:59,239
Sorry, take what
back to my pharaoh?
365
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,359
Oh, you want me to repeat myself?
No problem.
366
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,239
PARRP!
367
00:17:03,240 --> 00:17:05,559
You dare to pass wind
368
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,759
in front of the representative
of the Pharaoh?
369
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:08,919
PARP!
370
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,199
Yep. Stop that!
371
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,319
PARP!
Nope.
372
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,479
Stop it!
PARP!
373
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:13,999
Sto...!
PARP, PARP, PARP!
374
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,119
Stop! Stop!
PARP!
375
00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:17,359
Stop!
376
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,679
Please, if I do not return
with you, the Pharaoh...
377
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,199
PARP!
378
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,799
..the Pharaoh will cut off my ears
379
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:26,159
and cut off my nose for my failure.
380
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:29,199
I mean, that's probably for the
best, given how bad this one smells.
381
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,800
PAAAARRRRRRPPPPP!
382
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:33,639
That does it.
383
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,759
You have made a powerful
enemy today,
384
00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:38,199
who will rain vengeance down
on you like...
385
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:39,319
HE SNIFFS
386
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,079
Oh, no, that one just reached me.
387
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,559
Oh, that is vile!
388
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,159
Oh, you're an animal!
389
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:46,279
Ugh!
390
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:48,599
Oh, you need to see someone. Ugh!
391
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,079
Come, we must move quickly.
392
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,439
PARRP!
393
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:52,760
I need to change my pants.
394
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,159
So, Mark Antony,
395
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,959
tell me about this girl
you're here to meet.
396
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,559
Yeah, she's pretty fit.
397
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,119
She's actually ruler of Egypt.
398
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,079
But, er, nothing can
happen between us.
399
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,079
She's Julius Caesar's ex,
and you know the saying -
400
00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:09,759
bros before pharaohs.
401
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,919
But she's beautiful,
intelligent, funny,
402
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,799
and... Oh!
403
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,960
Man, has she got a sweet ride!
404
00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,199
Wow!
405
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,679
Ooh-ooh!
406
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,159
Cor, that is one massive barge!
407
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,039
Oh, no! How do you stop this thing?
408
00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,559
Ah! Ooh!
409
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,480
And it's quite difficult to park.
410
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,159
Hey, there, Mark Antony.
411
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:34,279
Sorry I had to turn up in
this tatty old boat.
412
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:37,319
Tatty?! Your Majesty had us up
all night working on it
413
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:38,799
to impress the Romans.
414
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:39,879
Ah!
415
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:40,919
Huh.
416
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,639
It's OK, I've
got another one.
417
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:43,759
Your Majesty.
418
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:44,839
PLAYS FLUTE
419
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,559
Why don't you come aboard
my little boat?
420
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:48,759
I'm OK!
421
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:49,879
Agh!
422
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:51,040
Are those oars silver?
423
00:18:53,351 --> 00:18:55,439
Might be.
424
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,119
This barge smells amazing.
425
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,679
I mean, it'll make the
whole dock smell good.
426
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,799
Which is handy because,
at the moment, it smells of...
427
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,159
MOO!
PARP, SPLASH!
428
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,479
Yes, well.
429
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,879
I'm so glad you like me barge.
430
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,359
Not that I brought it
here to impress you or anything,
431
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:11,159
but this deck is painted in gold.
432
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,519
Ooh, shiny!
433
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:16,239
So, why did the big,
important Roman general
434
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:18,919
want to see little old me, hmm?
435
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:20,079
Ha!
436
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:23,159
Well, I was wondering if you'd be
interested in some sort of alliance.
437
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:26,519
Ah, you want me to use me riches
to make us a power couple
438
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:28,879
so we can take over
the entire world?
439
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:31,519
What? Well...er, yeah,
something like that.
440
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,919
Why don't you and me go for
a sail in me golden barge
441
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,519
and talk about this some more?
442
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:37,720
Forwards!
443
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,079
Good times. Where are we going?
444
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,839
We? Ah!
SHE GIGGLES
445
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,519
It's OK. I've got another one.
446
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:47,759
THEY BOTH LAUGH
447
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,359
Help! A fish stole my flute.
448
00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:50,839
FLUTE PLAYS RANDOMLY
449
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:51,890
Oh!
450
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:56,079
Nothing lasts forever,
not even pharaohs.
451
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:59,439
Cleopatra was one of the last,
and she famously had children
452
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,759
with Roman Emperor Julius Caesar
453
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:04,319
and Roman general Mark Antony.
454
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:07,639
After she and her children died,
the title of pharaoh
455
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,519
was then actually also held
by the Roman Emperor.
456
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,839
You'd think that'd be a
cushy little number,
457
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:17,719
but for Maximinus Daza,
the last ever Roman Emperor Pharaoh,
458
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,839
that wasn't quite the case.
459
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,200
Mm-mm-mm!
460
00:20:21,611 --> 00:20:26,039
MAN: ..and he was covered in bread
by the end of the day.
461
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:27,759
It was like bread everywhere!
462
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,240
He was like a man made of bread.
463
00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:31,440
Drink, please.
464
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:33,839
Are you OK down there?
465
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,679
Yeah, yeah. All good.
466
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:37,759
What brings you to Tarsus?
467
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:39,319
I'd really rather not say.
468
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,519
All right,
I was only being friendly.
469
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:43,159
Just, I really want to stay
out of sight,
470
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:46,159
just in case people are
looking for me because, er..
471
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:47,839
..in truth...
472
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,040
..I'm the Emperor of Rome,
Maximinus Daza.
473
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:52,919
BOTH LAUGH
474
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:56,479
What would the Emperor of Rome
be doing here in Tarsus?
475
00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:57,799
If he's the Emperor of Rome...
476
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,159
Sh! Keep your voice down!
477
00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:00,439
..I'm the Pharaoh of Egypt!
478
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,199
Oh, hello, Pharaoh!
479
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,679
But, actually, you can't be
the Pharaoh of Egypt
480
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,239
because I am also that as well.
481
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:08,359
Oh, of course he's the Pharaoh
as well!
482
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:10,199
Just keep it down!
483
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:12,199
Funny guy!
484
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:15,079
Funny guy.
Look, it's very, very simple, OK?
485
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:18,199
I am both the Emperor of Rome
and the Pharaoh of Egypt, so...
486
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:21,919
I mean, you don't dress
very Egyptian for a pharaoh!
487
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:24,079
That's because I'm in hiding.
488
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:27,639
Anyway, the pharaoh hasn't actually
come from Egypt for about 600 years.
489
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:28,839
BOTH: Ooh!
490
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:30,239
Of course! Silly us.
491
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:31,759
Look, if you must know,
492
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:34,039
the Persians took the
title after they conquered Egypt,
493
00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,799
then the Greeks
conquered the Persians,
494
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:38,119
then after Cleopatra,
it went to the Romans.
495
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:40,119
Right, and that's how you got it,
496
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,719
because you're the Emperor of Rome!
497
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,759
Stop calling me the Emperor of Rome!
498
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,039
Even though I am.
499
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,439
You just don't want us to say that
500
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:48,919
because you don't want
everyone knowing
501
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:50,639
you've been telling porky pies.
502
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:52,959
No, it's because I was
deposed by my fellow Emperor,
503
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:56,119
Licinius Maximinus, and now
his people are hunting for me!
504
00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:58,399
Listen, babes, if you
want to go round the place
505
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,919
telling people you're
a pharaoh/emperor,
506
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,319
you carry on. I don't judge.
507
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,359
So, neither of you believe me.
OK, great!
508
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,279
Oh, no, I'm sorry, babes.
509
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:08,639
Hail Caesar!
510
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,079
What did I say to you?
What did I say?
511
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:13,159
Oh, sorry. Hello... Hello.
..Caesar.
512
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:14,679
Er, we need to go, sire.
513
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:16,079
Ah! Mister.
514
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:17,839
Erm, buddy?
515
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:19,399
Don't touch me. Yeah.
516
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,079
We shouldn't stay too
long in one place.
517
00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,199
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
518
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,279
We'll move on, we'll move on.
Go, go, go!
519
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:26,880
Centurion, as well, so...
520
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,310
..believe people
when they say things, yeah?
521
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,239
I knew he was the Emperor.
522
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:37,479
Oh, yeah. I mean,
I can spot a pharaoh a mile off.
523
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:39,239
Cos I'm the King of Germania.
524
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:40,999
Shut up. Can I have a free drink?
525
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,280
No.
526
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:45,959
And that's the end of the pharaohs.
527
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,719
All we're really left with
are the monuments they built
528
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,799
and the treasures
we found in their tombs -
529
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,039
things that were left with
their mummified remains
530
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:54,919
that the Ancient Egyptians believed
531
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:57,159
would help get
them into the afterlife.
532
00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:00,320
Here are three of the greatest
to tell us all about it.
533
00:23:10,451 --> 00:23:15,199
We all know we're heading
To the valley of death
534
00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,039
We want eternal life
535
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:18,639
After our last breath
536
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:21,599
Cos I've been a pharaoh
Got a neme on my head
537
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,759
But when we die we need help
From the Book Of The Dead
538
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,319
It's a magic scroll of hymns
To the sun god Ra
539
00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:30,759
To help us through the afterlife
There's many things we must say
540
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:33,799
Like I've never uttered lies
Never been an eavesdropper
541
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:35,159
I have never raised my voice
542
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,959
Lived my life so proper
543
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,639
Every text is different
Written for each soul
544
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,719
But you know in the end
We only got one goal
545
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:45,479
These rules will remind us
once we cease to be
546
00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:48,519
And help us live in peace
for all eternity
547
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:49,599
Uh
548
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,439
Been waiting all our lives
549
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:54,759
To get into pharaoh's paradise
550
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,159
These words will be our guides
551
00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:01,080
To living in a pharaoh's paradise
552
00:24:05,161 --> 00:24:08,239
Spells are written onto walls
553
00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:09,679
Inside our mummy wrappings
554
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:12,919
Even in gold masks
and other pharaoh trappings
555
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:15,799
Cos getting into paradise
You know it 'ain't easy
556
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,719
Your heart is weighed
against a feather
557
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:18,999
Hope it ain't breezy
558
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,239
Then we all board a ferry
'cross the Lily Lake
559
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:24,359
To the Field of Reeds
the ferry man will take us
560
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:26,079
Then we'll meet our friends
561
00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:27,479
And all beloved pets
562
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:28,919
In the Field of Reeds
563
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,799
We'll have eternal rest, yeah
564
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:33,999
Yeah, death ain't nothing
but a new form of living
565
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:36,999
So glad we got the Book Of The
Dead and the advice it's giving
566
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,719
I'm 18 now,
but will I ever see 20 though?
567
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,839
You better hurry with my book
568
00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:43,479
Don't be slow, mmm
569
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,319
Been waiting all our lives
570
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,759
To get into pharaoh's paradise
571
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:51,599
These words will be our guides
572
00:24:51,600 --> 00:24:55,479
To living in a pharaoh's paradise
573
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:57,679
Been spending most our lives
574
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:01,479
Avoiding dangerous crocodiles
575
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:03,479
Preparing all our lives
576
00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:06,920
For living in a
pharaoh's paradise.
577
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:11,839
OMP for pharaoh!
578
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:14,279
I SPHINX it's great!
579
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,679
You smell like
my nan, Seti.
580
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:18,799
What are we calling this?
Hippopotamupupupupu...?
581
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,719
LAUGHTER
582
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,519
The past is no
longer a mystery
583
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:24,879
Hope you enjoyed
584
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:28,240
Horrible Histories.
585
00:25:28,290 --> 00:25:32,840
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