Original subtitles

Look at these pitiful humans.

So easy in this digital age to create a room for my souls.

They come and chat and reveal their most inner secrets.

And all I have to do is collect.

One by one, I will take them like a Thanksgiving banquet.

Well, let's start with a taster before we move on to the mains.

Jeff is just in it for her money.

Now this is a tasty main course.

Mummy, are you dead?

Are you?

Maybe she's waiting for him.

Hey, Annie. I, um... I thought I'd send you a video message rather than...

I'll text you because I know you're driving right now.

I've just got to mum's house now.

I've brought my suit for the funeral to America. I've got everything I need.

I haven't been here in a while.

I will see you at 5 o 'clock. It's 3 o 'clock now.

So, yeah, I hope your drive's going okay.

See you in a bit.

Hey Annie, I'm just checking in.

It's almost 5 o 'clock and I've not heard from you yet, so...

I just wanted to check you're okay because it's after five now.

Please do text me because I want to.

I just hope you're okay.

Some say when you're intoxicated, we see double.

Well, Ruth is about to notice she is not the only one living inside herself.

Yummy. Watch out.

Someone's looking at you.

You only wake up and you're still pissed.

That's me right now.

Pissed and a little bit on all of us. Well, you can feel it both.

But I actually had a really good night.

My head is hurting, though.

But what else are we meant to do in this situation that we're all in?

Got to have a bit of fun and...

My roommates, housemates, friends, mates are

in the biggest mood possible with me today for trying to have a little bit of

fun and actually lighten myself and lighten my mood up.

And I honestly don't care because if I want to put a little bit of music on

and dance and have a few glasses of wine, what's the issue with that?

You know?

But right now, seeing as they've buggered off out to food shopping, not

asked me if I want any food.

No, no, because it's Everyone Hate Roof Day today, in case you didn't know.

I'm going to jump in the shower, put some more music on and enjoy myself.

Now, I'm all thought a party by myself, but I am getting sick of it.

Absolutely sick of it.

i'm fed up of living with absolute boring twats who just have a go at me

wanting to have a drink so if any of you out there want to have a virtual party

with me let's facetime let's make this happen drop me a dm

try not to laugh this is my new pad this is where i am going to be

living now yep you heard it they've kicked me out i wasn't joking when they

i want my last warning and even though i don't think i've personally done it

wrong they do um so yeah i'm here now

they are going to put me a bed in there and obviously clean all storage out with

it but yeah And obviously there's nothing I can do about it because I

exactly go back to my parents' house yet.

So I've just got to hold it out.

I've literally been trying to sleep for I don't know how many hours.

They're still... They're still at it.

I feel like an absolute mug.

Well, I'm stuck in here. They're all having a little gathering.

I think I'm some sort of pushover.

Did you hear him?

Fuck off.

It's me.

I am sick of it now. They have literally had me up for hours.

Laughing, joking. I'm sure they're doing it louder just to piss me off.

Do they think I'm locked in this garage? I can't come out.

I am going to go up here and have a fucking visit. That's what I'm going to

Go see what's going on there.

me act like you are sally is one of those

courses that gets stuck in your teeth irritating you have to keep prodding it

with a stick to jar it loose but it's still very sweet just like

her little friend the bear hi uh god wow what a journey

man it's just been crazy um

I've been on such a long flight and I'm just getting back to my parents house

now. So I'm really excited about to go and see everyone.

Just such a stunning view up here.

So beautiful.

Hey guys. Hey.

So I've just gotten back to my parents house and I'm just about to go into my

old room. I just want to drag the bag in with me.

so weird okay so many mirrors that's so fun

hi oh wow this is so

weird being back yeah there's some some things on my shelf that are like really

old oh mom nice nice ah

yep these bad boys

I remember using these all the time when I was younger. That's so funny. I'm

just going to put them on.

Let's put half with one hand. Talking to you guys.

There we go. How's that?

Is that beautiful?

Yeah, these are pretty fun. They're a little bit crooked.

Still good though. Still good.

Still good.

Oh my god.

Ugh.

She's put that creepy bear back in my room.

Why?

Mum's put, like, a bunch of my old toys.

And, um... There's, like, this creepy bear that

I had when I was a kid, and she's put it, like, back on my top shelf. Like,

at that. It's so weird.

Look at him.

How?

Ah!

Why'd you do that?

Honestly.

So, um... I'm just in my room, but I've just, like...

I thought I heard something, so I'm just working out.

Man, their beer is just so creepy.

I think I'm just going to throw up.

So weird.

I really hope you guys don't need a creepy beer at home.

I'm just going to gather it up.

Sleep.

Now that it's all covered up.

And we'll see you guys next time.

Hi. I'm just waking up in New Zealand.

Got my coffee.

And I'm just going out.

on the deck, the balcony, the veranda, to see this beautiful view.

You can hear the birds in the background.

It's such a crazy journey, it's so nice to wake up here.

It's so weird. The beer is just over there. Like, honestly, this is weird.

I don't think anyone's home.

What the hell?

It's so creepy.

It's so weird.

Oh my god.

I'm just gonna keep...

So I'm just going to take you to my old library.

Just a second.

This is so weird. It's kind of like going for a trip down memory lane

there are so many books here that I have not seen in ages.

What's all this? Oh yeah, sorry.

We've got the flock book, which with a farm and all that and the family, you've

kind of got to learn about these things. But man, it's so weird seeing some of

these books. I haven't seen them in ages.

Here we go. A lot of chiclet in there.

Beautiful.

It's going to bring you back so many memories. It's crazy.

What's that noise?

It's weird.

Just heard something.

It's kind of coming from this area. This is so weird.

That's, like, not even funny. What the hell?

Hilarious. Good one.

Fuck. For fuck's sake. Jesus Christ.

Put that back.

Oh, man.

My parents think they're so funny.

Hilarious. Just fucking hilarious.

Um, hi, guys. Hi.

So, I'm still at my parents' house, and I'm just doing some work.

Right, so I've been home a few days now and like mum's put this bear from my

childhood in my room Okay, it's a really creepy bear like it's something weird,

you know, like it's real creepy Um, well it's been happening I think my dad's

been trying to prank me because he knows that I'm really scared of it, right?

Okay, so he or mum like maybe it's both of them I don't know. Um, they're

like putting the bear in weird part of the how.

It's giving me such a fright like and I don't like I can just feel it watching

me and I can just feel it watching me or watching me or watching me. It feels

like I can't get away from it.

Shivered down my spine and kind

of just wish it had stopped breaking me like it's not very funny you know it's

kind of actually it's actually pretty scary.

It feels like I can't get away from it.

I know it could be here. I know. But, yeah.

Maybe someone's here. I don't know.

Hi. Hello?

Hello?

What's that sound?

Did you hear that?

Did you guys hear that?

Stupid beer!

Okay, it's just weird now, like, I don't know.

What?

Look at this.

Do you hear that sound?

I think it's just a dog.

Hi.

Hi, what are you doing up?

What are you doing up, hey? Did you hear it too?

It's weird. I don't know.

When are you doing it?

Was it you? Was it just you?

Was it what the sun was?

Okay, I'm just going to go back to my room because I don't think there's

anything here.

Oh,

how

appetizing. A man who has faded to black and white.

I guess you can say he is the fish course.

I think he's a Dover soul.

See what I did there?

How are we doing with the toilet roll, Harry?

So I think it'll be interesting to see just how long it lasts because I don't

think anyone knows a lot at this stage.

But you need to remain positive.

Can you please?

Keep it clean.

And can you please, please, please spray the air freshener?

He just never seems to clean up after himself.

Anyway,

as I was saying, we need to make sure that we're working together in this.

making sure that we're all staying positive so I

am just checking in the fridge just to see what we have because obviously

we need to keep stocked up during times like this and I noticed that there

are quite a few things missing as per usual

but more annoyingly I noticed that there's no vegan cheese which

I assume has been eaten rather annoyingly because the guy is not even a

and he knows that this is the only cheese I can eat

particularly as he has yet to pay me any rent

for this month because he said he wouldn't be working so

I basically said he could pay the money when he had it,

which is... Anyway.

So, another...

Day in lockdown and another day with more issues around the house.

Keith thinks it's absolutely fine to leave his washing up in the sink

for someone else to do. I'm not quite sure who

he thinks is going to be doing it. I'm certainly not.

The empty plates were full of food that I bought for myself, which conveniently

disappears from the kitchen.

And he's even taken to finding it

necessary to move the toilet rolls. The toilet rolls disappear from the

bathroom, from the cupboard. I'm not sure why he would take them. Maybe he

thinks it's a bit of a joke. I don't know.

No, it's not very funny at all. So I will be having a word with him

about this behaviour, basically, which

I'm not comfortable with.

That's certainly an experience that I don't want to go through again.

I think it was a miracle that I actually got some sanitizer seeing as they were

pretty much out of everything today.

We'll see how long that lasts, assuming no one uses them all up immediately.

Right, well that was very eventful.

It took me the best part of three hours to

To try and get some basic shopping items.

I went to five shops in the end. Five shops and there's queuing outside the

shops.

It's ridiculous. And all these pillocks who are hoarding

all these items.

Toilet rolls. There's no toilet rolls.

There's no pasta.

There's no basics.

but there you go so we've got two toilet rolls left

i've put one in the toilet and i have hidden one

because i know that it will go missing if i leave it in there i don't believe

it it's keith again keith can you remember that we only have one toilet

left so can you please

Be considerate.

Thank you.

I noticed that he didn't make an effort to go out because he says

he's got no money, so he can't. But it's OK for me to

do the shopping for both of us, isn't it? Yeah.

So it's pretty late.

now but I'm not really able to sleep because there are quite

a lot of issues that are going on in my head I did the shopping today

what I could get and but when I came down this evening I noticed that a lot

the items that I just bought had actually perhaps unsurprisingly gone

Keith has either eaten them or perhaps he thinks it's funny to wind me

up, maybe hide them, maybe put them somewhere that I wouldn't find them. I

know. But it's getting really, really annoying now. And I

really need to do something because he doesn't listen to me. He's taking

advantage of my hospitality.

It's my house.

It should be my rules, but it's not. It's not.

And what he's doing is he's getting to a point where I'm going to need to do

something. I'm going to need to do something desperate.

Well, another day on lockdown and I'm just about the end of my tether

with Keith.

his behaviour.

I don't believe it, he's in there again.

Keith, can you not use all the toilet roll?

Keith, can you not use all the toilet roll?

I need a word, I need a word.

Well, I think I've... solved the toilet roll problem.

Fran is a keep fit fanatic.

But she is about to get her cake and eat it.

It's the Great Bloody Bake Off.

Hello. So today I've decided to share with you the exercise routine I've been

doing every single day of lockdown.

I call this Fran's Fitness Plan.

It's a mix of cardio and ab work.

I think, you know, well, this only takes seven minutes, so I think it's a

perfect amount of time to be exercising every single day without knackering

yourself completely. Without further ado, I hope you enjoy it as much as I

Let the phone come through.

Phone.

I feel pretty good.

Who knows where I'll be at the end of lockdown. I'll be so much fitter.

Protein shakes are really, really good for you.

It's just as important to put really good stuff into your body as it is to do

the exercises.

especially when we're in lockdown and we're not going to the gym as much as we

can these protein shakes i'm hoping are really going to help me keep the best

shape that i want to be cheers hey guys so this

is my lockdown dating apps reaction video um i've never actually used the

dating app before so i'm quite intrigued to see what the fuss is about um

especially during lockdown it is actually our only way to meet people now

thought let's just do it see what happens okay i'm

in i've got my profile hey i was writing an article on the finer things in life

and i was hoping i could interview you no let's flip a coin heads you're mine

tails i'm yours my coin landed like ridge side up i'm not

Oh, this guy's wearing a polo t -shirt. Oh, I thought we left those in primary

school.

No.

Are you a pandemic?

Because you've got my heart on lockdown.

What?

Is heaven your quarantine zone? Because you look like an angel. These are awful.

These are so generic. I don't think he's real.

This guy says he's funny, handsome and stupid.

Ugh. You can't play hard and work hard. If you say that... You're not doing

either hard enough.

Bracket. I don't work very hard.

Oh, God.

So what I've got from this is that dating apps don't include... So what

from this is that dating apps haven't improved since the lockdown started.

I've never actually used the dating app before.

And they probably seriously need to improve if this is how people are going

meet. the future and you know for the rest of our lives maybe so yeah

dating apps it's a no from me so i was just watching

videos on youtube and i came across this advert for a healthy chocolate cake and

at first i didn't really think it would actually be healthy but i looked at the

ingredients and it looks pretty good so i've decided today i'm going to bake a

healthy chocolate cake So I'm ready to start baking my cake. I've got

out, ready to go.

I've got a camera down here that's hopefully going to catch everything that

on the surface.

Let's do it!

Okay, so my first attempt hasn't gone very well.

Way too runny.

So I've got to start again.

So it goes into the oven for about 20 minutes.

try again so a bit of a problem after burning the second cake um

and the mixture that was too runny went down the sink i haven't got enough of

the cocoa powder

i've

been looking everywhere

This might be enough.

Cocoa powder in packets.

This

is

going to be the one.

Looks pretty good I think.

Here it is, ready to go in.

So three attempts later, my cake is finally done.

Yeah, we got there in the end.

I'm going to now have a clean up because I'm in a mess and I should probably get

changed as well.

Here it is.

Cake fork.

oh my god this is the best cake i've ever had

no question oh my god this is healthy

this is healthy tasty cake so good

oh my god i'm very proud of myself

um it's got like like a kind of musky flavor

I don't even know what that is. I've never dated anything like that.

I don't know how much of this I might eat now, but... Maybe one more slice.

Oh, my God.

So, I might have eaten...

A bit more of the cake than I thought I was going to.

For reference.

I mean, it's healthy.

You only live once, right?

I think I need a long lie down.

Fran has lost the plot.

The plot has lost Ram.

I mean the proof is in the pudding or lack of.

I feel a bit weird.

The cake it's because I don't eat sugar

Oh no.

I'm in the bag.

What was in the bag?

I'm going to die.

I'm going to die.

I'm high.

I'm high.

Oh, no.

Mike is haunted by himself.

Or perhaps somebody else.

He's very sad.

I find that funny.

This little tasty offering will have us believing in ghosts.

As some of you may know, I

recently lost my wife

to the virus and I

thought

it might be a good idea to start a video diary

to share my experience with you

because

I

need to do something I need to do something productive you know

You know, this... This was meant to be our home.

You know.

Newlyweds moving into their first home.

And then... Now it's... Now it's just me.

I don't know if you've... I don't know if you've got

someone.

But...

Sometimes it's almost like she's still here like I can feel her Thank

you

for watching this and I will

post

I'll post a video again soon.

3 .20 a .m.

and I woke up because

Crazy guys

I

can hear music

It's

like the music she used to listen to

She loved this.

She loved to dance.

There's nothing here.

What the hell?

Could come and check the flat.

Hello.

Is Molly living alone?

Just wait until she finds the truth behind her boyfriend's secret double

Revenge is sweet.

And perhaps there's afternoon tea on offer.

I'm trying to get hold of the doctor.

hold of the doctor but he won't prescribe it over the phone he needs

go in but Gareth said he's doing well so I'm just waiting for the doctor to just

hopefully do the prescription over the phone

I tried to get a hold of my mum.

I lost a ditch effort to get a hold of these meds.

But even she is struggling to get a hold of hers.

There is going to be a short business everywhere.

No one can get a hold of their meds.

Fifth Pharmacy.

They can't get hold of his meds.

There's a shortage everywhere.

I don't know whether I'll be able to get a hold of them.

He's probably playing games right now.

You little pussies.

You reckon we're gonna get daddy his men?

Yes, please.

Shit.

Thank you.

I love you.

It's so stupid.

Yes, babe.

I'm just making you tea now.

Ready, darling?

Here we have Joan.

She is a reclusive.

I love these types of soul.

So innocent and juicy.

She is paranoid about everything.

But she is about to have the delivery from hell.

Hi everyone. My top tip today is a bathroom cleaning tip. And it's how to

into all those little...

crevices where your normal bathroom sponge can't get.

What you need to use is one of these.

It's an old toothbrush.

My mum always told me to hang on to old toothbrushes, so that's what I do.

What you need to do is give it a bit of a squirt.

I'm just using a normal bathroom cleaner, but if you've got quite a build

limescale, you can get a specialist limescale cleaner.

uh you can leave it to work for a few minutes or get stuck in straight away

then just get scrubbing with this old toothbrush and the little bristles will

get right in where your normal kind of bathroom sponge can't get so we're just

giving a good old scrub just rinse it down and i promise you it will look good

as new so that's my top tip give it a go

Hello, cleaning clan.

I would like to introduce you

to...

Hello,

cleaning clan.

I would like to introduce you to Felix.

Just some top tips for feather dusting. Now, Felix and I know that you will

probably normally go into the corner of rooms, things like that, but what you

sometimes need to remember, that is often forgotten, is you need to do the

hidden places that you can't see. For example, in my kitchen, along the top of

the unit, spiders like going there as well. They think that we can't see them,

it's true, but we can get rid of the evidence that they've been there.

So don't forget once you've done all the way around the edges of your room to go

into those hidden bits as well.

Don't forget things like the top of the draw frames, top of the doors.

That's the top tip.

Just remember to feather dust where you can't see.

I'm a bit apprehensive about how much longer this lockdown is going to go on

because I am nearly out of all my cleaning products.

I've hardly got any soap left.

I've got about two squirts of disinfectant spray left in my bottle.

I've got about three wipes.

That's it. And every time I go to the shops to try and stock up, the shelves

empty.

How am I supposed to keep germs and this virus off me and out of my house if I

can't clean things?

Oh, and then yesterday, a parcel arrived and I don't remember ordering

anything.

Anyway, I've put it in the porch.

I'm not bringing it into the main bit of the house.

You know, I have no idea what it is. There's nothing on it to say where it

from.

I've been thinking you hear of these malicious people, don't you, that send

nail bombs.

And what if somebody were trying to send me a virus bomb?

You know, you get enough of people like that, don't you?

But then I was thinking, I don't know anyone who dislikes me that much.

Except maybe Trudy from work.

She's never liked me.

She doesn't hate me enough to want to kill me.

Does she?

So it's been a few days since I last checked in.

And I'm pretty certain that this is the virus.

I've just got no energy.

I've got...

I'm really at a loss as to how I could have caught it

caught it though

So, the moment of truth.

There's a card in here.

I know how much you love...

Love it. Sorry.

Oh, that was a super meal.

I loved most of them.

But one or two gave me a little bit of indigestion.

But hey, inhale indigestion is nothing.

So until next time, my lovies, stay safe and be careful who you tell your

stories to.