Original subtitles

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

Hi, everybody. Welcome to Strain O' The Day.

You've noticed we're a little dressed up.

But if you haven't, come on, dude, focus.

We're wearing fancy-ass gowns with the tags still on

in honor of today's strain...

Prom Night.

This sativa-dominant hybrid has been specially engineered

to recreate the way you felt that magical evening in May.

Young, giddy and deeply curious about that hard lump

pressed against you during the slow dance.

Speaking of which...

- our dates have arrived! - Our dates have arrived!

Hello, ladies.

Pete, come on.

Grew up on a commune, I don't know what a prom is.

Wow, sweet threads.

You two look like the coolest dudes in school.

Yeah. I know you only asked me out because I'm dying,

but I'm okay with that.

What's happening?

Stop it.

So, did you guys, like, bring it?

Oh. We sure did.

- Ooh. - Aah.

It matches my dress.

And Prom Night is only $50 an eighth.

So, you'll have money left over to buy that morning-after pill.

We're definitely getting some tonight.

We have some right here, but they're wearing it

- and I still don't know why. - Pete.

Hi, kids.

You didn't think you were getting away without pictures, did you?

Oh, Mom.

Hi, Mrs. Whitefeather Feldman from Ruth's Alternative Caring.

Hi, Mr. Carter.

You two...

what are your intentions regarding my daughters?

Sir... we intend to get them high.

On Prom Night.

We approve!

But if either of you sons of bitches lays a finger on my daughters...

I'll shoot you dead.

I am so fucking serious right now.

No, I'm messing with you, boys. Screw them senseless!

Thanks, Dad.

Prom Night.

Share it with someone you'll stalk on Facebook in 20 years.

- So, what am I looking at here? - It's Leafly.

It's a website and an app. It's Yelp for pot.

It's a place where customers can post reviews on our store.

Here. Check it out.

"Ruth's Alternative Caring is a great dispensary and Ruth is the best."

Wow.

People on the Internet are really nice.

Here's one.

"I'm a high school math teacher

and Ruth's Alternative Caring

is the only reason I haven't killed myself."

We get a lot of public school teachers in here

who wanna leave the planet.

I... I like this, though.

I mean, you know, Travis, getting on Leafly, that was a good idea.

Wait, really?

Not, "It was a good idea for a sellout with an MBA"?

Also known as an MBA-hole.

- Right? - Ooh. That was good.

Oh, man. MBA-hole. Where was that during the Scrabble game?

No, no, but seriously, it's a good idea.

Well, to be fair, Olivia's the one who made the Leafly thing happen.

- She's the real hero. - Oh, I'm no hero.

Just a humble pot-store employee who completed a task.

Oh, hey, I guess I am a hero.

Wow, this is the good stuff.

All of us working together again.

You know? No more of that needless infighting.

We're all on the same team finally.

Team Me.

Although, seriously, I still do wish the two of you were fucking.

What?

Hi-yah!

Two boards.

Impressive.

It seems the student has become...

a better student.

Only because the teacher has become the teacher

of the student who learned what I learned.

Wise words.

- Have you been practicing your meditation? - No.

Good. You should never do that without a spotter.

Fast.

Yeah.

Well, my lunch break's over, I should probably head back.

You got kids, Pete, huh?

You a family man?

- No. - Yeah, I am, too.

Three girls.

Of whom I have sole custody.

On weekends.

No son, though. No... heir apparent.

No one to take this studio over when I'm in my Tae Kwon Dotage.

What about your girls?

No. No.

They wanna be a princess, a unicorn and an arts administrator.

Three imaginary jobs.

Besides, dojangs are traditionally handed down

from father to son in the Korean culture.

That's according to Wikipedia.

Well, again, I should...

You know, I've long sought a young protégé to be that surrogate son.

But alas...

I've found no one among my students with the purity of heart

and the ease of self to carry on the Intensity Plus legacy.

I have an idea.

Yes, Pete?

Maybe I could help you...

hand out those 10-percent-off coupons.

That's what got me in here.

Hey. Good to see you.

That review there. Read that.

"Everyone at Ruth's is great, but I particularly love Jenny.

Not only did she set me up

with some kick-ass Frosted Mini Weed cereal...

she's chill, funny and radiates a beautiful sadness."

Beautiful sadness? What does that look like?

- That is spot-on. Yeah. - Wow, just devastating.

You need to figure out who this "Lah-doo-day" is.

I think it's "L.A. Dude."

It doesn't matter what his name is.

All that matters is, I haven't had sex in 11 months.

Oh, God, we have to find him.

Preferably before 2:45, I gotta go pick up my kids.

Hey, Carter.

We keep security footage of everyone who comes in the store, right?

Roger that.

So, we could go back through it and figure out

who bought a box of Frosted Mini Weed from me.

- Yeah, let's do it! It'll be fun. - Okay, yeah, let's do it.

Like private investigators, solving a mystery.

I'll be the boss and y'all the three lady detectives.

Carter's Angels. No, no, no.

Charlie's Carters.

- No! Magnum, P.I.! - He is so fucking high right now.

I can't even follow.

- Hello, Pete. - Hey, Ruth.

That didn't scare you?

Oh, crap, I knew I should have swiveled faster.

Is, uh, everything okay?

You tell me.

You're the self-defense expert.

I wouldn't call myself an expert.

I've just been taking classes from Tae Kwon Doug.

Oh, is that your story? 'Cause here's what I think.

I think you've been taking classes from Tae Kwon Doug.

In a sense... we're both right.

Pete, Tae Kwon Doug tried to have us shut down.

He had me arrested for the simple act

of jumping off a truck on top of him,

plus some light punching.

I mean, what are you doing giving him your business?

I'm not giving him any money. He's teaching me for free.

I think it's more of a friendship thing.

You two are friends?

Sure.

So... if you threw a party and you invited all your friends,

he would be at that party?

If he were available.

And, uh, if... If you needed help moving and he had a pickup truck,

you'd consider paying him in pizza?

Yeah, although he's lactose-intolerant.

You know he's lactose-intolerant?

He shared that with you?

Well, what's the big deal? He's just my Tae Kwon Do teacher.

Well, since he's such a good teacher...

maybe you can demonstrate on me.

Okay? I'm gonna open my mouth and using your exciting new techniques...

reach in with your arm and rip my heart out.

See now, that sounds advanced. I just started.

Pete, I think we always knew that it would come to this.

Ever since I visited your family's compound,

I saw you suckling at your mother's breast,

you were happy, innocent... barely 6 years old.

And you looked at me and you said, "Hi."

Heh. Yeah, that sounds like me.

That's not what you meant.

What you meant was, "One day I'm gonna rip your heart out

and throw it on the floor in front of you."

Well, that day has come.

So, go ahead. Reach in, take what's yours.

That's not him. He's not looking at Jenny.

Actually, he's hot, though, so hold on.

Stop. Rewind. Let me see him at regular speed.

Ew! He's not hot at regular speed!

Ah! Real time is not his friend!

This is gonna take forever. We have to narrow it down.

Wait, the guy wrote Jenny sold him Frosted Mini Weed, right?

That's on the top shelf of the fridge.

So, just look for Jenny reaching into that shelf.

Olivia, you are not helping.

Jenny, does someone like you really need to date some rando?

Why not? A rando's just a guy you haven't fucked yet.

God, that... That's beautiful.

How about you, Carter? I bet you've been to the rando rodeo before,

if you know what I'm saying!

I do know what you're saying.

Please stop.

Ah! You sly dog.

All right, I guess it's my turn.

- No. We're not... There's no turns. - It was tenth grade.

I was on a school trip to Colonial Williamsburg.

Little did I know that an apprentice blacksmith

was about to pound this innocent wench into womanhood.

We cavorted in the hayloft for nigh on 20 minutes,

and then he screamed, "Odds bodkins!"

And that's when I knew I had become a woman.

Vape drop. Pew!

♪ Wish there was a song About being sad ♪

♪ I wish there was a song About being sad right now ♪

♪ 'Cause I'd sing it on the roof ♪

♪ Yeah, I'd sing it on the roof ♪

You sad?

God, you know me so well.

Mom gave you the whole "rip my heart out" speech, huh?

- That's a thing? - Oh, yeah.

I've ripped her heart out many times.

I've also pecked at her liver... poisoned her womb.

In high school, I gave her stage V soul cancer.

I don't understand how I was disloyal.

I'm just taking free lessons from Tae Kwon Douglas.

She's afraid you'll choose him over her.

When she got out of jail, I stayed with my dad,

she gave the whole speech, didn't talk to me for a year.

I didn't talk for a year once.

It was my first year.

So... should I stop taking lessons from Douglas?

What? You don't need to quit 'cause of what my mom thinks.

And you need to tell her that. Stand up to her.

I'll go with you if it helps.

Okay, thanks. Just give me a few more minutes here.

Take your time.

♪ Ruth, I need to stand up to you ♪

♪ But I'm afraid ♪

♪ Camptown Races sing this song Doo-dah! Doo-dah! ♪

♪ Camptown racetrack's five mile long Oh, doo-dah day! ♪

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Look at this.

There's Jenny getting

Frosted Mini Weed for the guy with the motorcycle helmet.

Oh, my God, he's hot.

And he's checking out your ass.

Yeah, baby. Beautiful sadness in the front,

party in the back.

A motorcycle helmet, I like it.

It says, "I'm cool, but I don't want a brain injury."

Whoa, okay, look, it seems like

your future husband knows Dank and Dabby.

Oh, great.

Maybe they're not friends. Maybe they just met.

- That took some practice. - Mm-hm.

It's like they're on a team

and they're celebrating sports points.

Well, I don't care if he's friends with them. I can change him.

The point is, he knows Dank and Dabby, so we can just ask them.

Ah! Yes, you're right.

Charlie's Carters has a lead.

Mom, it's me and Pete.

Uh, just a second.

Uh, send Pete in first.

No, no, no. That was my happy-to-see-you swivel.

It felt very aggressive.

Mom... Pete has something he'd like to say to you.

No, no. I wanna say something first.

Pete, I'm sorry.

How could you know you were forbidden to see Tae Kwon Doug?

You... You didn't know. But now you do.

You're forbidden from seeing Tae Kwon Doug.

He's a shit bird.

So, we cool?

- I guess. - Great.

Welcome back to Team Me.

Oh, no, no, no.

Pete?

Ruth...

I would like to continue taking lessons from Tae Kwon Douglas.

I see.

Well... I suppose this is good timing.

'Cause I, uh...

I just had a boba tea and...

my esophagus is nicely lubed so you can...

reach right in and rip my heart out!

- No, no. - No. All right?

No. No bullying people.

All right? Especially when they're sensitive.

Hey. Here you go, buddy.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Look at what you've done to Pete. He can barely smoke weed.

Pete.

Pete, Pete, Pete.

Come on, be honest.

You really like taking those lessons?

No, but... I do like Douglas.

Well, do you promise to like me better than him?

Uh...

Just say yes and go!

Go!

Yeah, that's definitely us.

Yeah, you can tell because that's her and that's me.

You're so smart.

But this guy with the motorcycle helmet who wants to marry me,

who's he?

What do you mean, "ugh"?

What part of "ugh" don't you understand?

Wait, hold on a second, you guys.

This guy looks a lot like my cousin Paul...

who died 13 years ago.

Oh, shit. We hugged a ghost!

- Oh, my God. Boo. - Whoa! Boo...

So, you guys have no idea who that guy is?

You're hugging him like best friends.

Carter, do you have any idea how many humans, animals and plants

we hug in a given day?

Thirty-two.

One for each day of Black History Month.

Come on, you have to know something about this guy.

Yeah, 'cause he's not just any guy.

That's L.A. Dude. That's her soul mate.

Well, I mean, if he's your soul mate,

then you just have to trust in destiny.

Yeah. That's how we met. At Stanford Medical School.

You went to Stanford Med School? I was wait-listed there.

- Well, they just let us right in. - Mm-hm.

Okay. That concludes the Cannabis Tolerance Study.

Can we clear the smoke?

Get on my back.

Oh, wait, that wasn't us. We met at Pollo Loco.

Oh, you're right.

- That place has soda! - Mmm!

Nom, nom, nom...

Looking for a revolutionary shaving experience?

Try Cannafoam, the first ever cannabis-infused shaving cream.

Cannafoam's unique blend of emollients, moisturizers and THC

transforms your straight, rigid, inflexible facial hair...

We'll conquer your face!

...into docile, tranquil strands of compliant stubble

too dazed to offer resistance to the blade.

Shave with the grain, against the grain,

or just tell the hair there's something cool you saw in the sink.

Let's go!

You'll be rewarded with the closest shave you've ever had.

Ooh. Sexy.

Oh, my God, you touched my face.

Cannafoam.

Available wherever cannabis shaving products are sold.

You know, we can keep looking if you want.

That's okay. Maybe he'll come back in again.

And if he doesn't, I'm sure you'll find somebody else.

'Cause you're pretty great.

Thanks, Carter.

You know... I'm pretty good at spotting chemistry between people.

And, uh...

Jenny, you and L.A. Dude have it!

My self is centered.

My self is centered.

My self is centered.

Okay, I'm self-centered.

Doug.

Ruth.

Doug.

Ruth.

We need to talk about Pete.

Oh, you mean my new student?

I mean my employee... whom I've known since he was 6.

Six, huh?

That's, um...

That's an adorable age.

Yeah, it is.

And I make it my mission...

to protect and guide him.

I don't suppose you've heard much about his, uh...

odd family background.

Oh, yeah, he's painted quite a picture.

Frolicking through the marijuana fields in hemp diapers.

With all his many mothers and fathers, also in hemp diapers.

You don't get to judge.

You weren't there. I was there.

It was a fucking freak show.

How someone could emerge from that with such a pure soul is beyond me.

I agree.

You know, nothing or no one should ever hurt that boy.

You're right.

Maybe you and I aren't so different after all.

No, we're extremely different. In every way.

Gender, height, worldview.

Also, I can eat cheese.

He told you about my lactose intolerance.

Well, I'll have you know there are soy cheeses

that you'd swear were the genuine article.

- You get nothing in here. You just eat... - Never mind.

The point is, you're Pete's friend... and he enjoys your company.

So... I approve that you give him lessons.

Even though he doesn't need my approval.

Well, okay. Huh.

Hey, Ruth?

Yeah, Doug?

You see that pretzel shop that opened up next to Keychain Heaven?

Ugh. Artisanal mustards?

- Yeah, that's gonna pack them in. - I know.

You guys still open?

If you're fast.

Can I get a box of Frosted Mini Weed?

Sure.

Thanks. I just need it before I leave town tomorrow.

Where you headed?

Taipei. Moving there to teach English.

That's cool.

Like they say...

Life is all about timing.

Hey, Travis! I'm leaving!

I'm going out the back door tonight for the first time ever.

Just to see what it's like!

Okay.

Yeah, so that'll be $20.

- There you go. Thanks. - Thanks.

Hey, enjoy your last night in L.A., dude.

♪ Sometimes I feel trapped In a little box ♪

♪ Inside a big box ♪

♪ People ignore me for the most part ♪

♪ Unless they go out of their way ♪

♪ Way down upon the Swanee River ♪

♪ Far, far away ♪