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Currently on Disjointed:

... in exactly the same way,

you are never able, really, to examine,

to make an object of your own mind.

Just as you can't look directly

into your own eyes or bite your own teeth.

Because you are that.

And if you try to find it...

That's what you're wearing?

What? It's a funeral. That's what you're wearing?

It's a pot funeral. People are gonna think you're a narc.

Would a narc do this?

Uh, yeah, with fake weed, Jump Street.

Well, this shit's not fake. In fact, it's Jack Heron.

Seems appropriate on the day of his funeral.

Fair enough.

That make you jealous,

he's the only pot activist with his own strain named after him?

Well, it does, and it does.

But he earned it.

I mean, the man wrote Hemp, Hemp, Hooray!

For us stoners, that book was the Bible.

'Cause we all owned it, but we never read it.

And what a big heart.

True story.

- We once got busted in Big Sur, - And he bailed you out before himself.

and he bailed me out before himself.

- Do they make them like that anymore? - They don't make them like that anymore.

Jack, me, Scooter Boots, Captain Fred, and Saul "The Muskrat" Fishkin.

The Mount Rushmore of people who got arrested

trying to get high at Mount Rushmore.

Why were you protesting at Mount Rushmore?

Oh, we weren't protesting. That's where our van broke down.

And what the fuck else is there to do in South Dakota?

Behold the spirit of the '60s.

Yep, in its 70s.

Narc. Narc!

Ruth.

Goddess of the Green.

Scooter Boots. Pope of the Dope.

Oh, yeah.

- Buddy, it's been too long. - Yeah.

You still living in that nice place up in Mendocino?

Well, actually, it's a storage unit.

But my roommates are pretty cool.

I heard you're gay now?

Yep, yep, yep. Well, you... Well, I always have been.

But my mom just passed away, so...

Whee!

- How you doing, Travis? - Hey, Scooter.

- Oh, my God, you're all grown up. - Well...

I remember the day you were born.

We all gathered around the tub and I says:

"Somebody ought to keep an eye on that umbilical cord

or it'll strangle that kid."

- Well, thank you. - Mm.

- It was good to see you. - Yeah, well, it's good to see you, too.

Hey, did I tell you he went to business school?

Oh, Ruth, I am so sorry.

- It's so weird. - What's that?

Ever since we cleaned the water tank,

the plants have been growing like crazy.

You mean like weeds? 'Cause that's what weeds do, they grow.

Like kittens, puppies and cancer.

No, this is different.

It's almost like somebody put something in the water

that's making the plants overachieve.

Like they're trying to please me

out of some combination of love and fear.

Is it possible? My mother was right!

Her tea is turning the plants into more upstanding plants!

Wait: Does that mean all these years

the tea's been making me a better me?

Who got straight "A's"? Me or the pigs' testicles?

Hey, everybody, a little heads-up.

We'll think about this later.

As you know, Ruth and Travis went to the Heron funeral,

so she left me in charge.

- Question. - Yes?

If for some reason you are unable to fulfill your duties,

who is next in the chain of command?

- Uh, is that really important? - I'm just saying, if shit goes down,

I don't wanna find us tits up

because you don't have a solid number two.

What's so funny?

He said "solid number two."

Everyone loves marijuana butter,

but who has time to make it?

All the mixing...

melting...

pouring...

giggling...

Hi, I'm paid actress Mary Fakename, and this is the Bud Butter Buddy,

the revolutionary invention

that makes making marijuana butter more good.

Look to right.

With the Bud Butter Buddy, all you have to do is add butter...

and cannabis.

The secret is our O-N button...

... which activates the machine using the very electricity

flowing through the walls of your home.

Then kick back, light up a joint...

and forget it for 30 minutes.

What the... ?

Fuck. The butter.

The Bud Butter Buddy,

available at these crappy-ass stores.

Now, just the vegetarians.

Next, we'll hear from Susan, Jack's widow.

- Namaste. - Namaste.

It was 15 years ago Jack Heron first came into my life.

More like onto her chest.

I was a young college student with no sense of purpose or self,

and he was a 60-year-old activist who had it all,

a cause, a direction, a wife and kids.

Hi, Bev.

So, this is one of your heroes, huh?

It was a more innocent time.

Oh, so there was a time when abandoning your family was innocent?

There was a small window, yeah.

That's hilarious.

I gotta remember that for your eulogy.

Oh, stop being such a buzzkill. It's a funeral.

Olivia, is it cool with you if... ?

You don't have to ask my permission for anything.

You can dance naked in the grow room if you want.

Oh, I already do that.

I'm going to Tae Kwon Douglas' for meditation class.

Really? We have a boss-free day and that's how you're gonna waste it?

He said it's a way to get high without pot,

and I thought that might come in handy if I ever fall down a well again.

Okay.

But I'm a little confused. Isn't Tae Kwon Doug kind of an asshole?

Normally, yes.

But if you look deep into that asshole...

there's a flower waiting to bloom.

Okay, well, have fun.

Wash your hands before you come back.

Please welcome Jayte Matias,

who will now celebrate Jack's life with smoke rings.

Beautiful.

That was nice.

Oh, my God. That is really cool.

Oh, please. That's how Willie Nelson coughs.

Carter.

English for "He who carts."

Put the cart in front of the horse of a different Color Me Badd.

Oh, God!

- Dank. - Huh?

- Danks for the memories. - Oh, shit.

- Danke Schoen. - That was good.

Septic Dank.

Dank Dynasty.

Oh, man, what happened to you?

Yeah, man. You different as hell.

Well, I am different as hell.

- I recently started... - Wait, we'll guess.

- Ooh! I love guessing. - No, no. No.

You taking piano lessons on a little piano.

- Stop that. - Okay.

I'll give you a hint.

Where do I work?

I feel like you should know that shit.

- Ding-dong. - Ah-ah.

Hold on.

Oh!

Dank, Dabby, are you guys familiar with the Volcano Classic?

Oh, yeah. It's great. It comes with a replaceable air filter.

- High-performance heat cartridge. - Robust, completely mechanical design.

Power air pump and silencer with pressure-relief valve.

Oh, God!

Vaporization temperature adjustable

between approximately 130 degrees Celsius and 230 degrees Celsius.

Which is 266 degrees Fahrenheit and 446 degrees Fahrenheit.

Wow, did you guys memorize the box?

Holy shit, it comes with a box?

All right, one more cleansing breath.

Good.

Now, just relax and let yourself slip into the gap

between your thoughts.

What if I only have one thought?

- I don't know, think it twice. - Okay.

The gap between your thoughts is the now.

Rest in the now.

- Right now? - Yeah, right now.

Now, this is your home, the eternal present.

A realm of consciousness that transcends time and space

where nobody's snuffing derbs or roping bongs.

- Wow. - Right?

Do you begin to see now the levels of spiritual enlightenment

that you can achieve without marijuana?

I do.

It's funny, I thought Tae Kwon Do would have more kicking.

Well, it does.

But you're about to learn that the most powerful leg is the mind.

Thank you, Tae Kwon Douglas.

You're most welcome.

Your journey of self-discovery has begun.

Hey, that reminds me,

we're all gonna get high and see a Journey cover band tonight.

You wanna come?

I can leave you a ticket at will call.

- Hey, everybody. - Hey.

So, my dad.

He loved pot.

- Oh, yeah. - We all do.

I used to joke that he considered

the Jack Heron strain his favorite child.

And why wouldn't he?

It didn't get its feelings hurt

when he forgot to come home for Hanukkah.

Or 1997.

So, this...

- This is his true legacy. - Yeah.

- Yeah, it is. - Yeah.

My father was born in 1941 in Great Plains, New York City...

So...

my mom.

She loved pot.

Yeah!

- Yeah. - My mother loved pot so much it hurt...

me.

Uh, when she showed up to my first-grade piano recital,

she was so high.

How high was she?

She was so high, it was commented on by all the parents

and led to me being mocked by my classmates.

For a total of four and a half years of my childhood,

my mother was so incarcerated.

How incarcerated was she?

Ooh, she was so incarcerated,

I had a great time living with my father

and she's been resentful ever since.

This guy's saying what we're all thinking.

Yeah, and when I graduated business school

and volunteered to help run her floundering business,

she was so ungrateful.

How ungrateful was she?

She was really fucking ungrateful!

But, Mom, I know you always wanted a strain of pot named after you.

Well, today, your dream finally came true.

So, let other people smoke Jack Heron.

Today...

I'm smoking Ruth Whitefeather Feldman.

Yeah!

And I don't feel a thing.

Ah, my dad.

So, this...

This is his true legacy.

Look at it.

It's like a marijuana boner.

- Oh! - Oh...

Yeah, it almost came on us.

Seems like an awful lot of work just to get high.

Yeah, but then when you do get high,

there's a real sense of achievement.

What? I'm Asian.

Now I see why they call it a volcano.

'Cause it has a triangular base and smoke comes out the top.

Wow.

Man, I'm like the mayonnaise in a pumpernickel genius sandwich.

That sandwich is open-faced, motherfucker!

- It's okay. - Okay.

Wow. Look who's back.

How was your meditation?

It was really cool.

And now I understand that you can get high without drugs.

Sweet. Want a hit?

- Yes, please. - Yep.

What's up, YouTube?

You're watching Dank and Dabby.

Or are you?

Yeah, you are!

- It was us the whole time! - Oh, man.

Today we're on location in the grow room of Ruth's Alternative Caring.

I bet you're wondering what's up with this green light.

Which brings us to our guest.

He's a highly skilled marijuana grower and he looks like white Jesus.

His last movie is due back at Redbox this week.

Please give a warm Dank and Dabby welcome to Pete.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, Pete. Thanks for joining us. - No, it's my pleasure.

I'm not ribbed for your pleasure. What's up with this light?

Well, at this stage in the growth cycle,

cannabis plants need to be kept in darkness for 12 hours.

Twelve hours asleep, twelve hours awake.

Yeah, that seems like a lot of time to be awake.

Uh, anyway, what we do come harvest time is...

Okay, let's cut the bullshit, Pete. When can we smoke these bad boys?

Actually, they're ladies.

And these are the babies. They're gonna need a few more months.

Months? That's your story?

Oh, people like you make me wanna puke.

Okay. Okay.

Calm down, Dabs.

I'm sorry, man.

Sometimes she becomes the Hulk

when she has a lot of green lights around.

I... I... I didn't mean to cause any trouble.

Oh, bullshit!

Dabby smash!

- All right! All right! All right! - Dabby smash!

All right!

Well, hi, everybody.

- Hi. - Hey.

Um...

Hi, Jack.

Buddy, man, it's...

It's hard to believe I'm... I'm saying goodbye to you.

You were... a fighter, you know?

You were a poet, and you were...

a lover, to many.

Including myself.

Hi, Bev.

Hey, don't worry, it was before your time.

I mean, everybody was fucking everybody.

True that. Hey, Bev.

Those were the days.

You know, when it came to the cause, Jack was...

Was warm and generous, and, most of all, he was passionate.

I mean, Jack dedicated his life to this plant.

Adam...

I know it sounds harsh when you put it like that...

but your father understood that cannabis

was about more than just getting high.

I mean, he truly believed that it could change the world.

And we would change the world.

He knew in his bones that it was about helping people...

improving their lives.

And I want you to understand that's what he dedicated his life to.

And he knew. He knew it was bigger than himself.

Because it's bigger than all of us.

You gotta always remember that...

that dedication affects other things in your life,

the same size as you,

or...

smaller than you.

So, come on, let's all honor Jack's memory. Right?

Now, we gotta follow his example. We gotta keep fighting.

We gotta keep educating.

We gotta keep working, but most of all, we gotta...

We gotta keep loving one another.

- Yes. - Okay?

Yeah, keep loving each other. Peace out.

Thank you.

We love you.

Boy, that was an all-time top-five funeral.

It was.

I make fun of your generation,

but you guys really did make a difference.

Thanks.

That's what we were going for.

You know I love you?

Yeah, Mom. I know.

No.

I love you more than pot.

I didn't know that.

- And you were right. - About what?

When I die, wear a suit.

Hi. I'm Maria Sherman. If you're a stay-at-home mom like me,

you're ready to burn that home down with your family in it.

Well, put down that gas can and use that match for... Donna Weed.

Donna Weed is a high-energy strain

that makes folding fitted sheets fun again.

For instance, I smoked two joints of the Donna earlier,

and now, I've done two loads of laundry, one load of dishes,

Connor's California Mission diorama...

Real bells!

And, please, check out my pantry.

It's fucking beautiful.

It's just gorgeous.

Look, it's so fucking organized! Look at it! Look at it! Fucking...

Okay. All of my jars are here, stored alphabetically, okay?

Then we got my tea-bag doodad up there.

These are my olives, organized by pit size, of course.

And over here are my maple syrups

from east to west by Canadian province.

And, of course, my pride and joy, my spice rack.

Starting with allspice, anise, basil, chili pepper, cumin,

dill, dillseed, dill weed, fennel,

garlic flakes, garlic powder, garlic salt,

habanero flakes, Italian seasoning,

and a big jar of bullshit.

Because who am I kidding?

These are only here to be put in alphabetical order.

I mean, I don't use these things.

I don't even know what they do.

What, I'm gonna spice something?

I mean, I... I order in three times a week

and I've got a Guatemalan housekeeper

that does the rest of the cooking.

She's manning the camera right now.

Thank you, Rosita. I don't say it enough.

I mean, all I do is just get high, eat,

and watch House Hunters International.

I'm sorry. I don't know what's happening.

I don't know what's happening right now.

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