Original subtitles

This is Jeff Lemko Production.

The world is in trouble. We're under attack by flesh -eating zombies. It's

totally whack.

They're breaking down doors and smashing through walls.

They're in the supermarkets and the shopping malls. Disgusted by what the

race has become.

A hero emerged to fight the zombie scum. He slashed over their cash and crushed

their skulls to the ground.

And he's also the reason all bullets have his name on them. That's Tom, the

amazing zombie killer.

So if you're a zombie, don't get in his path, or you're gonna get a total

bloodbath. Don't even try, cause you can't win, to strike you down like a

bowling pin.

Don't call the cops,

don't call the lawyer, he can't be stopped.

because you're on fire.

That's right, guys.

When you've been slinging balls around as long as I have, you're bound to knock

down a couple of pins.

Adam, 10th frame, you're up.

What, are you off in your own world again?

Come on, Adam, get your head in the game.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, Dario from the Slashers is up next, and he's one rough customer.

He's the best bowler in the league.

Holy shit.

We're screwed.

Yeah, let's just go home. No, Adam, you can do this. We know you can, right,

guys? Come on, let's huddle up.

Really? You guys think I can get a strike? Three. What? We need three

win this thing. Yeah, and if you don't, we won't qualify for the national

bowling tournament in Hawaii.

Adam, you can do this. It's just like having sex with your grandmother. Just

don't think about it.

Ahem.

If you amateurs wouldn't mind speeding things up, I'm losing my patience.

The only thing you're losing, Dario, is this bowling match.

Your team will never beat Dario in the slashes.

What a lame name.

Yeah, Dario and the Slashers. Sounds like that band from Full House.

Yeah. Why don't you go ass to mouth with Kimmy Gibbler over there? Hey, fuck

you.

Just some professional advice.

You need to keep your mind in the game, son.

Don't listen to Dario. He's just trying to psych you out. You just wish your

team was good enough to be sponsored by Ernie Weiss's used car emporium.

Because Ernie Weiss is slashing prices.

That's your slogan?

Oh, how cheesy.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, you're going down, Dario.

The game's not over till it's over. Just a little advice from a pro bowler, pro

bono, bro.

Hey, why don't you go probe your boner alone, homo?

Ah, jealousy.

I get paid for my passions.

Almost forgot what it was like not to be sponsored by Ernie Weiss's used car

emporium. Or Ernie Hawk's autos at wholesale prices.

I prefer your mom's wholesale prices. Two for the price of one.

Bing!

Turkey, turkey, turkey, turkey.

Your weenies are the only turkeys around this place. Prepare to get stuffed.

What are you talking about?

Adam's the best bowler in the league. Better than his grandfather in his

His grandfather?

All that's left of his grandfather is that cheap trophy back by the men's

A pathetic waste of plastic for a pathetic waste of semen.

Hey, don't talk about my gramps that way. You about to cry.

He's just trying to break your focus. Just strike this last frame.

That'll shut him up.

Dude, look at fucking Adam. He's about to snap.

Bro, it's about to happen sometime. What a fucking freak.

Yeah.

Hey, my grandpa might not have been sponsored by any big business, but he

still the best bowler this town has ever seen.

Well, do him proud, Junior.

Cut the bullshit.

Whose bowling ball hit my balls in my bowling alley?

And what in the damn hell is Adam doing on my lane?

Jeez, sir.

Whose ball is this?

That stupid smiley face bowling ball belongs to Adam, the amazing zombie

I'm no detective.

Detective, but I would say that there's evidence.

I'd say so too, Jebediah.

And I'd say that these here boys are disturbing the peace.

Shoot, my third beer was just kicking in. I'm terribly sorry you have to deal

with these petty disturbances, especially when you're off duty.

Young man, crime is never off duty.

I'm sorry. Sorry, excuse me.

Adam ain't normally one to cheat.

But Dario's team is sponsored.

And Ernie does do a lot for the alley.

Oh, I catch your drift.

I'll call my Uncle Ernie and have him take care of any damages that may have

occurred on the condition that we never have to deal with riffraff like this

ever again.

They started the fight. Adam had nothing to do with it. Officer, please don't

listen to him. He's a liar.

And an asshole.

I don't know what's gotten into you zombie killers.

But I have to set the example.

You're 86.

Banned for life.

Sorry, boys. You heard Tab.

Get on out.

But Tab, you and Grandfather... Your grandfather should have quit while he's

ahead. And now you should do the same.

Get off my property.

Only... God damn

it.

What?

I can't believe we're banned.

Now we'll never get to go to the national bowling tournament in Hawaii.

And don't forget to take this piece of trash with you.

You'll always be a loser, Adam. I'm gonna beat your ass.

I'm gonna beat you up. Not recommended, okay?

Guys, we just need to calm down. We're all still a little heated from the

We know we played an honest match.

It was good competition until those bastards cheated. God damn it. But

nothing we can do about that.

Let's just go home, have a few beers, reflect on the evening, formulate a game

plan. No, no, no, no. My head hurts.

You could have a concussion. More reason to have a beer. I don't think that's a

good idea. Besides, my girlfriend's waiting for me, and I don't want to keep

waiting. So you're just going to ditch your teammates?

Don't put it like that.

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Remember we're going to go see that new Dr.

Chaotica's house and talk to zombies?

I promise.

Okay? I just need to go to bed and get some rest.

It could be dangerous for you to fall asleep if you had a concussion.

Your brain could be damaged.

He said to bed, not to sleep, if you know what I mean, idiot.

Adam, you've had a rough day.

What better way to end it than with some titties?

How was your night, honey?

We got in a fight tonight with the Flashers.

And they kicked us out. And they won't even let us back in. And stupid Dario

the one who started it in the first place. And they took out my grandpa's

trophy.

My head hurts.

Well, that's why you should have stayed with me tonight.

I would have taken care of you.

They needed me.

My team needed me. I didn't even get one punch off. I just ended up looking like

Daria's little bitch. Fuck! Maybe if you got control of your temper, you

wouldn't get yourself into these fights.

Well, they started it. Oh, real mature.

Grow up and stop yelling at me.

I wasn't yelling. You are right now.

You sound like a brain -dead zombie from one of those stupid movies you like so

much. Now let's not say anything that we're going to regret later on.

Listen, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said anything.

So you'd rather box it all up in that thick skull of yours than let the truth

out, huh?

Yeah, real good strategy to avoid intimacy.

Strategy? Yeah, strategy.

You think life is just one big game that you've always got to win.

Whether it's an argument, or a video game, or some...

Stupid bowling match.

Well, there are some things in life that are more important. Like what?

Like me. You would never get in a fight for me.

Oh, that's not true.

I'd fight for you.

Baby, I'd kill for you.

I don't believe you.

You never do anything to show you're committed to me.

I just took you fishing.

But you can't wear a little black dress to fish.

You could have worn it when we played mini golf.

Come on, what about that one time I let you kill me in laser tag, huh?

You are so out of touch with reality, Adam.

Those are all things you do with your guy friends?

I want to do something really special.

Anything. Take me to that new sushi place down the street.

But that's just expensive.

I mean... And, of course, baby.

Anything.

Tomorrow night.

Just the two of us.

Oh, Adam.

You're just crazy about me, aren't you?

No, no, no.

Not tonight.

I've got a big day of shopping ahead of me tomorrow for our date.

I don't mind if you look at me while you finish yourself off.

Just try to keep it quiet and don't get any on me.

Why do people not thank God?

God, almighty God!

Oh, mighty God!

Without God, we would not be here!

Pray before... Ernie Weiss here. Ernie Weiss' used car employee, and we are

proud to sponsor Dario and the Slashers, the best damn bowling team this side of

the Mississippi. Let's see what they've got to say about Ernie's used car deals.

My uncle Ernie Weiss wants you to buy this car.

Buy this beauty for $5 .25.

Take advantage of our government program.

We slash the competitors' prices.

Slashing prices.

Slashing prices.

Ernie Vices. Slashing prices.

So come on down to Ernie Vices' used car for him, and we'll make you a killer

deal!

Couldn't touch that dial and change the channel and leave me, Oriola, the

Twilight Temptress of terror all alone now, would you?

Of course not.

Why, if you're up this late at night watching this crappy movie, you are

probably desperate.

You can't get a girl to put up for you in real life.

So your misogynistic subconscious begins to manufacture ideas and fantasies of

women's humiliation and torture.

Add to that some bodily fluids.

namely blood, and you've got something to stir up, though.

Well, I'm to your rescue, my darling viewers, for I've got a healthy helping

young women in peril for you.

Enjoy, you perverts!

You're that girl from the bowling alley, right? Yeah, that's me. My name's

Allison, but everyone calls me Allie because I work at the bowling alley.

Thank God it's just you. I was beginning to think that the undead were walking

the earth.

What are you doing here?

Oh, this is my shortcut home from work.

Are you okay?

Yeah, my head still hurts.

I wasn't able to sleep.

There was nothing on TV, so I thought I'd go for a walk out here.

Is that your grandfather?

I've wasted my entire life trying to be as good of a bowler as Grant when I

could have been studying to be a doctor or going to film school or climbing

Mount Everest. I don't know. Adam, you are a great bowler. You are so much

better than Dario and all the other alley cats.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to rise above the...

ordinary, mindless masses to dominate the game. Being a bowling champ doesn't

really make you a distinguished person.

Your teammates would probably disagree with you on that one. Well, obviously.

I don't know why any of us were under the illusion that qualifying for a

national bowling tournament in Hawaii was ever worth fighting for. Well, at

least it was something you could all believe in together.

Anyway, I'd probably better let you go. No, no.

Uh, I'm...

I'm okay.

Listen, a little girl like you shouldn't be walking alone at night anyway,

right?

What, you think you're going to protect me? I watched you get your ass kicked

tonight, bucko. I don't exactly feel protected.

Well, then you can protect me.

From what?

I don't know.

Perhaps the ordinary mindless masses?

Stephanie, Tiffany, and Brittany are here. We're going to the mall. I've got

your checkbook. Hope you don't mind. Bye!

What?

Wait.

Emily,

what the hell took you so long?

I had to say goodbye to my boyfriend.

He's so clingy in the mornings.

Just because he wants a blowjob.

You slut.

Let's walk a little slower, ladies.

I'm Britney.

I bet you'd be so wet.

Fingers would get all pruney.

I'd be like doing you with a ribbed condom with my fingers.

There you go.

There you go.

Oh, you're slowing down your walking.

Fucking, oh, I can't believe it.

Yeah, there we are.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Oh, fuck.

Hey, dude.

Hey. Yeah, we still on for tonight?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Dr. Kiatica's house of toxic zombies.

I'm reading in Fangoria that they did research on actual dead bodies to get

makeup right.

Supposed to be the most realistic zombie movie ever.

Huh, realistic?

Yeah, hey, me and the fellas will see you down at the theater at nine, okay?

Yeah, see you later.

Oh, shit. Shit! My date!

Look at the car.

Top of the morning to you, ladies.

Steph, Britt, Tiff. You're all looking fine today, but who's your little friend

there? I'm... Emily.

Emily, huh?

Don't I know you from somewhere?

Come on, girls. We have to get going if we're going to beat the crowds. We gotta

go.

Hey, get off the car!

Fuck you!

So, Emily is it, huh? I could have sworn I know you from somewhere.

I never forget a face.

She's Adam's girlfriend?

Yeah. How did a loser like that end up with such a fine woman like yourself?

We're only kind of dating.

It's not that serious.

A woman like you needs somebody with a nice car who can afford classy dates.

Someone who's sophisticated and smooth like... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Can't you read the sign we're working here?

What the hell?

Is Uncle Ernie in his office?

Yeah, you bet, Dario.

He'll be so happy to see you. You always dress so nice.

Yeah, great. Thanks.

He's so awesome.

Yeah.

So I heard you took care of Adam's bowling team last night.

Yeah, we got rid of them with minimal damage.

Just like his grandfather.

He refuses to lose.

Yeah, well, he's dead, and you just say the word, and... It's not necessary.

I don't want to attract any more attention from the police than I got to.

police? The police in this town are a joke. Why any fool could get away with

murder around this town?

Yeah, but it's not necessary. Now with Adam and his team out of the running,

there's nothing between you and the national bowling tournament in Hawaii.

Do you know what that kind of advertising can do for this company?

Lots of money.

The

new

dress you bought is pretty sexy, honey. I got soy sauce on it. Oh.

Well, other than that, did you like the restaurant? They served our food so

cold. It's sushi.

It's supposed to be like that.

Oh, our food's so cold.

Whoa, hey!

You're the one who wanted to go there in the first place.

I just did what you wanted to do. What I want to do?

So you're saying going on a date with me isn't what you want to do? No, but,

well... I just want to spend quality time with you, but you're too selfish to

want the same things I do. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Listen, this date's not over yet. We've still got time.

You want to go see a movie?

Well, I've been wanting to see The Diary of Love.

Yeah!

Hopefully they're not sold out, right?

Maybe we can still salvage this date.

He's such a sweetheart.

Damn it, where's Adam? He'll make it, he'll make it!

Hey, there's Adam!

What's going on, man?

Oh, hey fellas!

How's it going?

How's the noggin?

It hurts a little.

Man, guys, this movie's gonna be fa -

Hey, what would you guys do during a real -life zombie attack?

I'd probably use a bone thaw. I'd cut him up with a lawnmower.

You know, I'd probably just hide out in the basement, you know? Help repopulate

the earth.

What about you, Adam? What would you do? Hide or fight?

Real -life zombies?

Well, I'd probably go out and... That's so stupid. There's no such thing as

zombies. What are these idiots doing here? This is supposed to be our night.

Sheer coincidence, baby.

You are happier to see them than you ever are to see me. That's not true.

know I'm here with you.

Well, just don't start talking to them and ignoring me.

Talk to me instead.

Hey, guys, look. The diarrhea of love.

Man, I feel sorry for any sucker who's forced to sit through that chick flick

shit. Hey, they opened up the doors.

Do you really want to see such a stupid movie, Adam? Well, uh, yeah.

Oh, my God. I do not want to see that trash with you.

So being on a date with me isn't what you want?

Two tickets, please.

Dr. Chaotica's house of toxic zombies.

These are my toxic zombies.

Attack!

Attack!

This movie is amazing.

I command you to stop.

I command you to stop.

Are you okay? Are you okay? I know CPR.

I can help.

You know what?

I see a hand. I see a hand.

But what about the zombies?

Listen, there's some things that are more important in life, alright?

That's it.

He's whipped.

Next thing you know, they'll be getting married and squirting out babies.

This will be the end of our team.

Don't worry, I'm sure he'll come around before it's too late.

Now let's go catch the rest of the movie.

Let's see what happens to those Boy Scouts who think that they're going on a

camping trip.

Listen, you knew what I liked when you met me.

I thought you would appreciate me more once you saw how much my friends respect

me. I like them, and they like me too.

So that's why you'd rather see some stupid movie they want to see to make

girlfriend happy?

I want to make you happy, Emily.

I love you.

Prove it.

How was that, baby?

I don't know.

I just don't feel it.

What? I need someone who's my knight in shining armor.

You know, a man who knows how to treat a woman.

I deserve someone who has a nice car and can afford glassy tables.

Someone who can fuck me without quoting lines from The Evil Dead.

I did that one time. Stop!

All you ever want to do is fight with me.

You've always got to win.

I can't take it anymore, Adam.

I'm leaving. Baby, we can work this out.

I'm sick of working.

Love should be easy. Baby, you were easy.

You asshole! Wait, that's not what I meant. Wait, wait, baby.

Let's have some makeup set.

I'm going to my mother's house.

If you really love me.

You'll bring me my duck.

Maybe I'll reconsider.

Allie, it's time to call it a night.

Hey, Uncle Jeb, do you think I could talk to you for a sec?

Did you clock out yet?

Yes. Shoot.

Well, I was going over this season's record, and you'll never guess which

has scored higher than any other team in the league.

Dario and the Slashers, of course.

Actually, Adam's team.

The zombie killers?

That's not true.

Dario's team beat them last night.

No, Dario's team only considers themselves to be number one because

undefeated. But Adam's team has the highest scoring average.

So that means, at this point, either team qualifies for the national bowling

tournament in Hawaii.

I don't want to hear it. Adam's team's 86.

Come on, Uncle Jeb. Just give them one more chance. Just one match between the

slashers and the zombie killers to prove which team is the best.

Absolutely not.

I'm not playing host to another riot.

I remember when people in this alley showed passion for this sport.

I was just trying to rekindle the old flame.

Don't talk to me about passion. No, it's fine.

When Dario and the Flashers head to Hawaii, I'm sure they'll put a good word

for the auto emporium, and no one will hear about the alley where it all got

started. Once again, you'll be overshadowed by Ernie Weiss and his

All right.

I'll do it. One match. That's it.

Really? Yes.

Thanks, Uncle Jeb.

You're the best.

I know.

Hey, be safe walking home, okay?

Take care.

creepy cemetery.

Okay. What is it with kids in cemeteries?

Fucking kids.

Hey there. Emily, is it?

Yes. You look like you've had a hard night.

You need a ride?

Oh.

I'd love a ride.

Yeah, are you enjoying the ride, baby?

Oh, yes!

Yes!

Wow!

No, no, no, no!

Don't do that.

Nobody does that.

How do you know you're not gonna like it if you haven't even tried it? I'm not

saying that I haven't tried it.

Or that I don't like it.

I'm just saying you gotta earn it.

Anything for you, baby.

What I want you to do is go to Adam's and get

my stuff.

All right.

What if he doesn't want to give me your stuff?

Kick his ass.

Sure thing.

First thing in the morning. Now back to business.

Okay,

kid, watch this vampire apple crumbie now. Watch this.

Watch this. Watch closely. Here I go.

That

was

great.

You see that, kid? That's what competition is.

Perfection. They all went down a strike after strike.

I was the greatest. You understand?

Perfection. You've got to rise above the others.

You can't be some kind of automaton zombie idiot in this day and age. You

like a brain -dead zombie from one of the stupid movies you like so much. Say,

what would you guys do during a real -life zombie attack?

Hide or fight?

All you ever want to do is fight with me.

You've got to compete. You've got to kill. You've got to shit competition.

It's all about competition.

That's what life is, you little faggot. Remember, Adam, I was a winner.

Hey, hey, I was a winner. I won.

I won.

Yeah, yeah, I won.

Surely you must be crazy to be watching such a crapola movie like this.

Crazy, I tell you.

You must be crazy, too, for entertainment.

But come back.

I've got killer deals I've lost my mind.

I've lost my mind. I'm slashing prices. You want to get down here and see what I

got? I dare you.

We'll lose our minds together.

Perhaps they like to hear the good word of Jehovah God. Perhaps they would.

Let us try. Let us.

James? James?

Raines.

Raines. James?

I'm not a piece of trash, you cocksucker.

You're never gonna get me, you un -dead son of a bitch!

¿Qué pasó?

My suspicions are true.

The zombies have taken over the world.

And it is up to me, as a citizen of planet Earth, to kill the walking dead!

We all have our challenges.

The key is to overcome them.

Hence the next pose.

Step with the left foot.

Point the toe.

Hand on knee. Reach towards the sky.

There. Gotta refuel.

Hey Adam, you home?

Hey cock -ass, you in here?

Must be jerking it with the thumb up his ass right now.

I'm in the bowling alley. The reason I'm calling is because I talked to my Uncle

Jeb and he said he's going to allow the zombie killers to bowl one final match

against the slashers.

Anyways, I hope you guys win because Dario is such a fag and I'm sick of him.

So anyways, the match is tonight at 7 and I'll see you there. Okay, bye.

No you won't.

Oh my God.

Thank God you're all right. Oh, Adam, have you heard the news?

Oh, yeah, man.

It's unbelievable.

Tell me about it, bro. But we can win.

You think so?

There aren't too many of them?

Nah, there's nothing to be afraid of. We can take them.

Really? Hey, the time has finally come. Just maintain your focus and don't get

distracted by doubt.

Be prepared to make a killing.

And to do it with style.

Thanks, Ben.

Yeah. Hey, and don't forget, have fun with it, okay? We'll see you at the

bowling match tonight.

Gonna get my...

He went down on me in the cemetery.

It was so naughty.

You're a slut.

I didn't know Adam was into that kinky shit.

Adam? No, no.

Me and Adam are through.

I meant Dario.

Dario? Dario doesn't date girls. He just fucks them and passes them aside.

Yeah, he never even called me after I gave him a blumpkin.

But he's different.

And what makes you so special? So, how does Adam feel about you dating Dario?

Who gives a fuck?

Adam's so out of touch with reality, it'll be a while before he even figures

out. So it's probably Adam calling right now to beg me to come back for him.

Answer it!

Everybody's turned into zombies!

You better find a place to hide before they get to you. I don't know what

trying to pull, you fucking weirdo, but I am not coming back for you.

We're finished.

other lines.

Goodbye forever.

Emily!

God,

what a freak.

I'm so glad I don't have to deal with any more ridiculous zombie bullshit.

Emily, listen.

Adam turned into a psychotic murderer.

You better hide before he finds you and kills you dead.

Very funny, Dario. I knew you'd call.

Emily, I am coming to pick you up. You are not safe.

I'm fine, Dario.

So, did you get my tip from Adam?

Uh, yeah.

That's really... I'm so glad I'll never have any reason to ever see Adam again.

Let him go, psycho, for all I care.

Yeah, but you know what? If that asshole thinks he can go around slashing people

in my town, he's got another thing coming.

I'm gonna bring him to justice.

Shouldn't we leave that up to the police?

The police?

We got an anonymous tip that some illegal immigrants were doing some yard

around here and we stumbled across this double homicide. Must be our lucky day.

Not for these two.

They picked the wrong doorbell to ding -dong.

They're knocking on heaven's door now.

Oh, my God.

That's gruesome.

Gruesome? Have you seen my mother -in -law? Now that is gruesome.

Hey, Chief. Found the other immigrant worker over here.

Good. We can interrogate him.

Does anybody here speak... Mexican?

Not us, huh? We look like you've seen a ghost.

Watch out for tan lines.

Oh, there's my ride.

Bye, girls.

Well, you two have fun.

I think we have to go shopping.

Yeah, I heard there's some really big sales going on, and I need some new cha

-cha heels.

You're telling me.

I haven't seen a scene like this in Schindler's List.

Looks like our boy's leaving us a little trail of death.

That's not all he left us. Look.

Another clue.

Say, isn't this that Adam guy's girlfriend?

You know, I think I've seen her once or twice at the bowling alley.

Adam the bowler?

Yeah, that is his girlfriend.

Does that mean she's... Next on our killer's list?

Very likely.

Our prerogative now, boys, is to catch killer before atrocious acts of violence

are committed upon this very innocent... Sweet girl.

So have you socked that cocksucker in the fucking throat and you want to get

stuff back from him?

Actually, he wasn't around, but I... Hey, where's my picture?

What?

I had a framed picture of myself in here. I deliberately took it so Adam

wouldn't have anything to jack off to.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was in there. I must have fallen out.

Oh, my God. I give you one thing to do.

I said I'm sorry.

But you don't have to yell at me.

I'm not yelling. Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

You boys are all the same.

Temper, temper, temper.

Now I'm a scary...

Ernie has my purse!

We've got matching purses!

He must have taken one! Now I've got hers?

Shit! My checkbook was in there!

Oh, that's okay. As long as I'm around, you don't need your checkbook, babe.

Sure.

Let me stop by Uncle Ernie's to get paid.

I'm so excited.

Can you believe?

I don't need it.

Cysa, cuss for some reason. That's bullshit. My heels are killing me. I

get in.

Hey, I think I saw somebody.

Maybe they'll let us in.

Hello? Hello? Can you let us in?

Please, I need to shop.

When there's no more room in hell, you can't walk the street.

You know that shopping will cost you an arm and a leg?

Not so fast, Dario.

I just want to get in and get out. Make this quick.

Uncle Ernie owes me money.

But why are we ducking?

I just want to avoid those used car salesmen. They're so douchey.

Oh, now he decides to show up. What?

Oh, uh, hey guys.

Hey, we came as soon as we heard the news.

News? You know, Jeb's making us have a rematch so we can qualify for the

national bowling tournament in Hawaii.

Oh, that dude. If you knew, why haven't you been more concerned, Dario?

Perhaps you've been spending too much time banging this hoochie mama you

in here.

Oh, uh, hey guys, this is Emily. Pleased to meet you. Howdy -do.

I don't give a fuck who this bitch is. You boys need to concentrate.

You gotta win tonight so you can go to the national bowling tournament in

Hawaii.

I don't think Adam's going to make it to the tournament tonight.

Yeah, I'm his ex -girlfriend.

Hey, sugar tits, why don't you fuck off while the big boys here talk?

You fuck off. Get this skanky cunt out of here.

But boss, I was hoping you could write me a check for bowling expenses. Get out

of here, all you shit cakes. I ain't paying nobody nothing until you take

of Adam and the zombie killers however you have to.

Lord, that hurts.

I didn't like bowling so much.

Your sponsor is a real dick.

He needs to calm the fuck down before he has a heart attack.

Let him have a heart attack.

He could die in the next ten minutes for all I care.

That's all well and good, but what about tonight's match?

What about Adam?

He had just let me finish. I could have told him. Adam's gone shit crazy.

If we can find him before tonight, we can get that sicko locked up in the

bin and be heroes.

Not only that, but we can secure our spot in the national bowling tournament

Hawaii. Well, let's go find the fucking freak. Smash him down.

If you guys find him, call me. We'll reconvene at the bowling alley.

Figure out what to do with him from there.

Well, but, but, wait.

We need to spread out and cover more ground. I know Adam.

He's one sneaky little turd, always one streak ahead.

Dario is so awesome.

I really wish I could be a slasher.

Guys, look! A customer!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, thank God you've got a gun.

That must mean you're not one of them.

I know why you're here.

You got a lot of nerves showing your ugly mug around here.

But I'm not interested in negotiating.

You're going to lose and you'll be forgotten.

I survived this far. I don't care how good you are. There's no place for you

my team. So you can stop trying to convince me right now.

Fine. I just thought if we teamed up, we might stand a chance.

I can never trust anyone with your blood.

None of this is actually mine.

Your grandfather couldn't be trusted.

We went all the way to nationals, and we were offered 50 grand by the other

team's sponsors if we threw the match and lost.

We all agreed, and we all played mediocre on purpose.

All of us except your gramps, who bowled strike after strike after strike. Oh,

yeah. Oh, yeah. Wah!

It finally came down to two to three.

He could have gutted it and gotten us the moolah, but instead...

He opted for the trophy.

We won the game, but now the sponsors were after it. We all blamed your

grandfather. I was the winner!

I was the winner!

I ain't gonna do it.

I'm not gonna do it either.

And since I was the team captain, they gave me a loaded gun to prove my

allegiance.

I did more than prove myself that day. And I worked my way up through the ranks

until I owned this place.

And now I got my own team to sponsor.

All because I killed your grandpa.

You killed Gramps? Best choice I ever did make.

that I don't have any morals, mister.

I only kill zombies, not random human beings, even if they deserve it.

That's what separates me from monsters like you. You're not getting away that

easy.

So, hotties, we've got 16 homicides today.

16? Yep, we've got two Jehovah's Witnesses, one immigrant gardener, five

of a yoga class, one gas station attendant, four construction workers, a

sunbather, and a partridge in a pear tree.

What are you idiots doing?

Any more evidence?

Yeah, this.

Looks like it belongs to an Emily Horbach.

By Jove!

This ID matches the one we found in the park scene.

This is the girlfriend.

So! Our mass murderer is a girl?

No, you fool.

A beautiful girl like this would never be as innocent as whoever's committed

these murders.

What makes you so sure of that?

I'm betting our killer's a slacker, 20 -something male who's never quite grown

up and now would have it as a fantasy world of his own creation that has been

influenced by continuous exposure to violent pop culture.

He's probably frustrated with his dead -end lifestyle and now subconsciously

lashing out at the most privative of violent matter he can.

Thought people lost weight when they died. I bet that prick Jerry's in heaven

laughing at us right now.

You know they never let a prick like that in heaven.

brain dead.

Oh, Chris.

I failed you.

I guess I'm just not as stubborn as you were.

You would have never let this happen, but now it's in my veins.

It's only a matter of time before I become one of them.

My list.

Flesh -eating zombie.

Chris I'm sorry Chris I'm sorry

I'm a loser who wastes my life watching zombie movies and bowling

Like the scent of old shoes, cigarette smoke, and floor wax. Am I right, guys?

Sweet home, man. Now, let's be on our best behavior, guys. We don't want Jeb

kick us out again.

Relax. Just maintain your focus. We can win this. I know we can. Hey, guys.

Hey, what's up?

Nothing. Where's Adam?

I was just about to ask you the same thing. We figured he'd be here already,

warming up. Haven't seen him. You mean he's not here? Should we call him? He

didn't forget, did he? I know he can be a real space cadet sometime.

Bowling's his life.

He wouldn't forget.

Well, if he doesn't show, I could always sub for him, you know, like an honorary

member of your team. I wouldn't worry too much about that. Just give him some

time. He'll show.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the sore losers coming back for another ass

-whipping. Hate to break it to you, queers, but the game's already over.

Yeah, and I have a feeling your teammate ain't showing up either.

Adam? What makes you say that?

Well, let's just say he's tied up.

Tied up?

With what?

Well, let's just say rope. Dude, shut the fuck up. Either way, if Adam doesn't

show, you guys have to forfeit anyways.

Not true. If he doesn't show, I could always sub for him.

We'll make it.

In case you guys haven't noticed, your buddy Dario hasn't shown up either. So

looks like it's three on three. Fuck that. I have no fucking reason with you

queers.

We'll see you at the lane.

We'll see you about the threesome.

Uh, where is Dario anyway?

I just talked to him on the phone. He said he should be here any minute.

Why are we always waiting on him?

Dude, he's our leader.

Fuck that shit.

What's the sense in waiting on him to get down here anyway?

Uh, because he's our leader, and on top of that, he'd fucking kick our ass if we

took all the credit anyways.

If he's not here in ten minutes, I have half a mind to call the cops myself and

turn in Adam right now. Dude, will you just fucking calm down, you dickass?

is gonna be fucking great publicity for us.

Then Dario should get his ass down here. What could he possibly be doing that's

more important than this?

I don't want to miss the satisfaction of seeing Adam get his ass kicked.

Don't worry, babe.

I just want to specify you a little longer before we go back.

You're so kinky.

You got a thing for fucking girls at the graveyard?

Hey, that is in my mom's basement.

Chief, do you copy? Where are you?

I'm at the cemetery.

It looks like we have another mess on our hands.

All right, I'll be right there. I just gotta shake.

Don't tell me you don't think about all the dead bodies while we're doing it.

Doesn't it make it that much more naughty?

Oh, I guess.

I just like how it feels.

Oh, me too.

And the idea of getting caught makes it that much more thrilling.

Don't worry, baby.

Nobody's ever gonna catch us.

Oh! Oh!

I'm coming!

I'm coming! Gee, are you coming?

Just came.

I mean, I'll be right there.

Five fresh corpses.

Four, you idiot. This one's already dead.

What kind of sick bastard gets off on killing what's already dead?

Boys, I just got off a dispatch.

We got the killer. They have him tied up in a trunk at the bowling alley.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

I just saw some suspicious activity.

No time for apologies now, sheep of police.

We've got the killer, and he's all tied up at the bowling alley. Hey, hold on a

gosh darn minute. Now, I'm the chief of police, and I'm in charge here. Now, I

just saw some suspicious activity, and my gut tells me we should investigate.

Fuck your gut.

I caught the killer, and he's at the bowling alley.

Come on, fellas, to the bowling alley.

Mario, you made it.

Well, did you find the bastard?

Yeah, he's in the trunk.

Told Jason to wait to call the cops so you got here, but he wouldn't. He's just

not a team player.

Well, he got here just in time, you douchebags.

Let's have a look at him before the cops get here.

Aw, Jesus, guys. I didn't say to kill him.

He's not dead.

I mean, sure, shit ain't moving around.

Oh, my God!

Adam's dead!

about this. I mean, on one hand, I always did take pride in the fact that I

would outlive him, but we did have some good times together.

Look, Sugar Tits, why don't you go inside and get yourself a slurpee or

something, okay?

But I don't want to. I said get inside, bitch!

I don't get it, man.

He was alive just a little while ago.

How long has he been in that trunk?

You dumb queefs probably suffocated him.

We're waiting for you, oh fearless leader.

This isn't my fault. I told you to capture him, not kill him. Well, what

fuck do we do now?

Are you the civilians who caught the serial killer?

You know it, we sure did.

Congratulations, you're heroes.

Nowhere is he.

A chunk of our car. But see, the thing about that is... I'm amazed you were

to restrain such a psychopath.

Yeah, yeah, but see, what happened was, we kind of, sort of... Good work there.

Now where's this guy? He's got lots of questions to ask.

You've got to be kidding me. I know, I know. We didn't mean to suffocate him.

Suffocate? Who?

There's no one in here.

Where could he have gone?

Zombie attack!

Zombie attack!

Run for your life! Our worst nightmares have come true! Aw, dude, zombies aren't

real. They're just a stupid thing.

I can't take that risk.

Shoot me!

What?! Where is that hoodlum?

He's gotta be around here... ...somewhere.

Shoot me. I'm infected.

Do it or I'll arrest you.

Shoot me or I'll arrest you.

I'd rather die living than be one of the living dead.

I need backup.

Man down. Man down.

Not you now, you son of a bitch.

Adam, there you are, man. Where the hell have you been?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Ben!

Oh, shit. What the fuck?

Who just shot me?

I don't know.

You gonna be okay?

That's not important right now, Adam.

You need to go inside and win the bowling game so the team can go to the

national bowling tournament in Hawaii.

carved up like a dang dreaming turtle.

You're the only turkey around here, Dario.

Prepare to get -

You're such a great bowler.

Emily?

I love you so much. Let's be together for forever.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

Hey, what's going on here?

We have evidence of you at multiple crime scenes. What?

And I also overheard your little conversation with Dario at the cemetery.

What conversation with Dario?

She's an accomplice to murder, boys.

Take her away.

What? No, that's bullshit.

Adam's the killer.

Me?

Stark Raven mad she is. Lock her in a loony bin and throw away the kid. What?

No! No!

Are you okay, kid?

You look like you're in shock.

I can't remember a thing. I feel like my head's been through a blunder.

What day is this?

It's your lucky day, kid. You just helped us catch two serial killers.

And you're a hero.

Don't you want to pick up that spare?

Rock and bowl?

Rock and bowl!

you don't think about all of the dead bodies when we're doing it. Doesn't that

make it more naughty?

I guess. I just like the way how it feels.

Me too, me too.

Don't you think the possibility of getting caught makes it that much more

thrilling? Babe, no one's ever going to catch us.

This is not a true story.

What is real life, Bonnie and Clyde?

And they played our kinky love game of death.

How can you tolerate such a gross movie?

I don't know.

I'm just crazy, I guess.

But that's the way it goes.