Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Kevin Hart's Acting My Age.

No!

Wow!

Yeah, yeah.

Now, I want to start off by saying I'm in a really good mood.

The reason I'm in such a good mood is because life is good right now.

Wife is happy.

Kids are happy.

My relationship with my extended family is getting better.

I've recently, I've been put in charge of all family gatherings.

Anything that requires a family to get together in bulk, I make it happen.

Family reunions, functions, dinners, it all goes to me.

I would be a liar if I told you guys that it was annoying because it can be.

My nephew just came to me and he said, Uncle, I got something I want to tell

family, but they can only hear from me. Can you help me get the family together

in the same room? I said, I got you.

I go call the family. We all get together. We go to a restaurant. I got a

private room at the restaurant.

When we walk into the private room, my nephew stands up. He goes, I brought y

'all here because I want y 'all to know that I'm gay.

It was quick.

It was quick.

He didn't even let us sit down and eat. It was fucking quick.

And when he said it, nobody said nothing. Everybody was quiet.

I said, fuck, somebody's got to say something.

Somebody's got to break the ice.

Because I'm now in charge. I got to be the one to say something.

I said, nephew, listen.

I think I can speak for the entire family.

Right? Yeah, all of us.

When I say that we, as a family, it's

safe to say, look, listen, I think it's safe to say that we

know.

Like, nobody's shocked.

Nobody's shocked by this information.

Like when he said it, he had on a halter top, like a little tube top.

It said, my booty hole brown.

That's what it said.

Yeah, of course you're fucking gay. All right.

We don't give a shit. We're family. We love you.

My aunt tried to ride that same wave.

My aunt stood up. She said, look, since we're being honest with each other, I

want y 'all to know that I've been struggling with my weight. I feel like

suffering from obesity.

Again, it's quiet.

Nobody says nothing. It's quiet.

I'm like, fuck, I got to break the ice again. I got to say something again.

I said, Pat, sit your fat ass down. And I said that.

And I did. I said that.

Sit your fat ass down, Pat.

That's not new fat, Pat. That's the same fucking fat.

Pat been fat since I was 12. That's the same fucking fat, Pat.

Put your big ass down. Ain't no fucking obesity.

It's tough keeping a family together.

A lot of work.

A lot of work. You got to have a lot of patience, man.

You know, even in your household. I'm a father of four. I've talked about my

kids throughout my career.

A lot of pressure on me as a celebrity father.

I got to be honest. I feel like I put the pressure on myself, though.

I do. You know why? Because I feel like at least one of my kids has to make it.

Right? I'm not expecting to go four for four. I'm not.

I'm not.

I think any parents in here that has four more kids, like, you know the kids

that are going to make it and the ones that aren't. Like, you know.

You can tell. Hey, look, this nigga right here. Hey.

Get the bail money ready for this one. I don't know.

I just, you know what it is, man? I don't want to pitch a dud.

I don't want to be one of those celebrities that pitch the dud.

A lot of these celebrities have kids. These kids grow up and don't do shit

these resources that they have available at their fingertips.

I don't want that to happen to my kids. I want them to take advantage of the

opportunities that they have in front of them. I don't want to pitch a fucking

dud. I can tell you some celebrities that have pitched a dud. You don't think

about it the way I do. I think about it.

I can tell you. I don't give a shit. I'll be honest. This is one of the

why I took your phones. So I can be fucking honest.

So I can be honest.

Say how I fucking feel.

If you tell anybody, I'll deny it. I'll fucking deny it.

I'm going to tell you who I feel pitched the dud. I'm going to tell you.

Michael Jordan.

Michael Jordan pitched the fucking dud.

I don't care what you say. Michael knows it. I know he fucking knows it. If you

don't think Michael Jordan gets the attitude every time he sees Del Curry.

celebrating on the sideline with Seth Curry and Seth Curry. You ever see Del

Curry? Watch again.

Del Curry's like, look at my son.

Mike would just got to look down on the other end of the couch at Marcus and

Jeffrey. Look at you two ain't shit niggas.

Just sitting here coming up with different color Jordan combinations and

Fortnite every fucking day. Look at you.

This is also a good time to tell y 'all, like, Me and Michael Jordan don't

really get along. So a lot of this stuff comes from a weird place, man.

Michael's had an attitude with me for years.

Years Michael's been pissed at me.

Because I hosted a celebrity event for him years ago, and he came in late.

He walked in late during the event, and I had two in the chamber. I don't know

where they came from, but I saw him, hit him with a quick one. It was quick.

But it was always fun.

Everybody knows Michael Jordan's a horrible dresser. Horrible dresser.

Some of the worst jeans I've ever seen in my life have been worn by Michael

Jordan.

Huge back pockets. Really big back pockets.

You can put a Dell computer in his back pocket.

God damn, Mike. Is that a fucking Dell computer in your back pocket?

God damn, Mike.

Is that a fucking motor in the other? God damn.

He came in late. I hit him with one quick.

I said, Michael Jordan dressed like a pregnant lesbian. I don't know where it

came from.

Because he had his pants up real high covering his chest.

He had that little fat thing, that little food pie thing sticking out.

I haven't talked to him since. I haven't talked to him since then.

I don't really give a shit.

I don't really care who likes me or who doesn't. I'm at a point in my life where

it's very hard to irritate me.

45 years old, man. The older you get, the less fucks you give.

It's a true statement.

It's a true statement.

The older you get, the less fucks you give.

If it's not about my family or forward progression in my life, it doesn't get

any of my time or attention.

Honestly, I'm not the same man that I used to be.

Me and my friends, we've all changed.

God, I remember back in the day how we were. We used to talk about the same

every day, all day.

We're the bitches, we're the clubs, we're the drinks.

We're the bitches, we're the clubs, we're the drinks, we're the drinks,

the clubs, we're the bitches, we're the bitches, we're the clubs. Every day.

45 is different. All we talk about now is injuries and medicine. This is real

shit.

It's real shit.

After 40, you stay hurt. I don't know what it is, man.

You stay hurt, but you just don't know how it happened.

Every conversation you have starts off with a question about an injury that you

don't know how it got there.

I fucked my goddamn neck up today. I don't know what I did to my goddamn

Everybody cares about your injury after 40. Everybody want to help. What you

think you did? I don't know what the fuck I did to my neck.

I think I'm looking at the signs on a highway too long because I'm doing this,

but then I'm like tracing it back like this.

Everybody want to tell you what you need after 40. Everybody think they're a

doctor. You got to get you some turmeric.

Get some turmeric.

Some fish oil. Rub some fish oil on your neck.

Take a tablespoon of garlic. Bite an onion. Put your left foot in a bucket of

hot water. Stay in there for 10 minutes. What the fuck? You think I'm a vampire?

What the fuck are you talking about?

You stay hurt after 40.

Here's the crazy thing about getting injured after 40. You never make it back

100%.

You lose a piece of yourself with every single injury. You do not make it back

to 100%. Here's proof. Look at this arm.

All the way up. See that?

Right there. All the way.

Not this side. There it is. Right there.

Right there.

Showed the doctor. You know what the doctor said?

He said, just use the other side. I said, bitch, fix it.

Got me out here uneven.

Fucking fix it.

I'm so envious of this younger generation.

These younger kids get hurt. They bounce right back.

I was playing basketball with these kids, man.

One of the kids twisted his ankle. His fucking ankle hit the fucking floor. I

saw it.

Twisted his ankle. His ankle was on the fucking court. Bow.

I said, oh, shit.

That's got to be broke. He broke that bitch. I know he broke it.

You know what he did? You know how he fixed it in real time? He bent down,

his shoe up tight.

Jumped up.

He said, I'm good.

I'm good. I'm going to finish the game.

I said, finish the game?

You can't do no shit like that after 40.

You twist your fucking ankle. Your ankle hit that goddamn court. The next day,

you in that boot. You got that fucking boot on.

What's up, y 'all?

Goddamn, Joe.

I thought you twisted your ankle. So did I.

Turns out it's my meniscus and my Achilles that started my sciatica. They

I'm out for eight months. Eight months?

Eight months, goddamn, Joe.

You didn't even play.

I know.

They say I sat down too fast.

Y 'all got to stop sitting down so fast when y 'all go out there. Y 'all got to

slow down.

Damn, Joe.

It's too easy to get hurt.

I don't think people understand how easy it is to get hurt.

I was walking down the stairs the other day. I slipped down the last three

steps.

I didn't fall.

I healed it.

You know that shit where you do that?

You know what I'm talking about?

Oh, no. Like that shit right there?

Scared the fuck out of myself.

By the way, I would much rather fall. I would much rather fall.

Because when you fall, it's over with. This shit right here, you're thinking

about how bad it's going to be when you finally go down.

I'm about to fuck my head up on the goddamn step.

You end up hurting people. Poor lady in front of me, I pushed this old bitch

down the stairs.

I panicked.

Stairs are dangerous.

I don't know why we need so many.

So many fucking stairs everywhere you go.

Going up them is fine. Going down is the problem.

Older you get, it gets scary.

I was with my son the other day. My son was going down the steps. I've never

seen anything like it. This nigga was skipping stairs going down.

You gotta be a fucking Avenger. I ain't never seen nobody do this.

What kind of needs does my son have?

I go down the stairs sideways.

Oh, do you get the change right here?

Go ahead. You in a rush? Go around.

Go around.

Am I going to hurt myself fucking with y 'all? Go ahead.

It's too easy to get hurt.

I stepped in the shower the other day. My leg got away from me. Oh, my God.

Scared the shit out of me. Got a lot of distance in between my fucking legs.

I ain't never had that much distance in between my fucking legs before.

Oh, my God.

You don't respect all that shit that you can grab onto in the shower until you

need it. You don't respect it.

All those bars, because you don't know why them bars are there in the shower

until you fucking need it. Let me tell you something. I slipped, almost cracked

my fucking head, grabbed that little bar. I said, thank you, save a little

life bar.

Yeah.

That's what that is.

That's to save a little nigga life.

Here's the funny part. I missed the big one. I tried to grab the big one.

I missed that bitch. Had to grab the fucking little one.

Oh my God.

I never knew that's why the two bars were there.

I got a fear of falling in the shower.

I think that's probably like one of the worst injuries that you can fucking get.

Falling in the shower?

Oh my God.

Here's my fear.

Falling and hurting myself to the point where I can't move, but I fall

underneath the shower head, and the water, the water keeps coming down, and

got to sit there and fight for my life. It's six hours.

It's six hours, and I'm like, ah, ah,

ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

That's how they find me.

With a little dick because I've been in the fucking water for six hours.

Oh, my God. Can you imagine?

You're about to die. The last thing you hear somebody say is, ew, look at this

dick. Ew.

Oh, my fucking God.

Shoot me, man.

Why does dick look like that? Ew.

Wash rag sticking out your ass because it's the last thing you washed.

Little piece of shit on the rag.

Ew, there's shit on that rag.

Little shitty by little dick man. I ain't touching him.

Fucking dying.

You know why I think like this?

Because of my last injury.

My last injury fucked me up real bad, man.

I basically broke my dick. I don't know a better way to explain it.

Be very honest tonight.

It's a show full of transparency.

I injured myself during a foot race.

Not on the track.

Not where you run through a ribbon and you get an award at the end of the race.

No. Two drunk niggas in the middle of the street, 2 a .m.

I raced an ex -NFL running back for no reason.

It was an impromptu run.

We was at a cookout.

I overheard him talking at the bar.

He was talking about football. He was like, man, I swear I missed the game of

football. Life ain't the same without football.

I swear to God, man, I would do anything to get back out there on that field. I

feel like I lost a piece of myself when I stopped playing football. I missed the

game for no reason. I said, bitch, I'll smoke your ass in the foot race right

now.

He said, what?

I said, Kevin, are you serious? You want to race? I said, yeah, I want to race,

bitch. Let's go.

He said, Kevin, you want to race? We can race.

There were so many signs that I ignored.

I said, Kevin, don't go through with this race.

The first time that I ignored was how he was stretching versus how I was

stretching.

He had so many stretches. He was doing like some deep fucking hip bends like

this. He had some like groin shit he was doing.

He was doing knees. I call them ice cream scoops. I don't even know what the

fuck these are.

Doing some butt kicks. He had like five minutes of stretching.

I went out that bitch and shook my leg twice.

Pow, pow. Let's go.

Let's go.

The worst things you can have after 40 are friends the same age.

Friends 40 and above are horrible because no matter what dumbass decision

decide to make, they're going to support you and ride with you regardless.

When I shook my legs twice, I said, bow, bow. My friends was like, yeah.

Get him, cat.

About to smoke his ass.

I told him out the gate, I said, look, man, you're a professional athlete, so I

know you got technique.

And because of your technique, you probably feel like you got advantage.

don't. Because of my raw talent and my natural ability to run, I will catch

ass.

Here's my secret when I run. My secret is that I keep my fingers real close

together like this. And I... Wait a minute.

My secret is I keep my fingers real close together like this.

And I chop through the fucking wind like this.

I treat the wind like a piece of cake when I fucking run. I chop.

Everybody get a piece of cake when I fucking run.

Everybody else run with their fingers open. Look, you're getting all that

Look at that. All that fucking wind. All that wind.

Not me.

Not me. Look at that. Look at that.

We sent the little boy down the other end of the block. Little boy had to hold

his arms up like this.

When the boy dropped his arms down, that meant it was time to fucking race.

We on the starting line, just like I thought he had technique. I knew he had

technique. He had one hand down like this. He had this arm up like this.

He had his head like that.

I have what I like to refer to as a street nigga start. It's when you don't

no fucking... You're just trying to get a little jump on him. That's all.

Oh, my God.

Little boy was down the other end of the block on your mark. He dropped his

hands. Bow. It was time to go.

He got out the gates on me.

Now, when I run, I start off with my head down, right? Start off with my head

down, and then I eventually pick my head up.

Every time I pick my head up, we're either side by side, or I'm in front of

by a little bit. It's never failed.

I've never had a race where we haven't been side by side, or I've been in front

of you by a little bit.

But the first time ever I pick my head up, I start to back of his head. Oh, my

God.

I'm fucking losing.

Oh, my God.

Something's off. Something's got to be wrong.

There's no way I'm fucking losing.

Something's wrong.

I look at my fingers, they was open a little bit. I didn't have my fingers

closed up all the way.

I had to close them up.

The older you get, the more noise you make when you run.

My friends, they're yelling from the side. Come on, Kev.

Get it up.

Get your knees up, Kev.

Extend. Heel to toe.

Extend. Fuck, I'm trying.

I can't catch him.

Eight steps left in the race. Guys, I'm talking to myself.

Come on, Kev, get your knees up. Fuck, man. Turn it over, Kev.

Come on.

Second to last step. I felt it.

Just like that.

I fucking felt it.

You know what it felt like?

It felt like my dick flew off my body and went in a bush.

It felt like my dick left my body and went in a bush.

I stopped running immediately.

Ah. Ah.

I made that dumbass face people make when they get hurt and they make eye

contact with somebody.

My trainer knew right away. My trainer said, Cam, you good?

Absolutely not. I'm fucked up, man.

You can tell how hurt you are by who you ask for after the injury.

All my friends are standing right there. I said, go get my wife right now. Why

don't y 'all go get my wife?

When you ask for your wife, that means you want to get your life affairs in

order. You want to sign paperwork.

The family trust, the will, I don't give a fuck what it is. My dick is in the

bush. I don't want to live anymore.

I'm not living without a dick. My dick is in the bush.

They went to go get my wife.

My wife came out hot, had an attitude.

Head bobbing side to side.

Soon as she saw me, she said, what the fuck your stupid ass done did now?

I need you to do me a favor and go look in that bush and see if you see my dick.

What?

Go look in the bush and see if you see my dick.

Your dick ain't in no bush. My dick is in the bush.

Because I'm small, she grabbed me right away. Come here. Come here.

That's your dick right there. I feel your dick right there. Impossible.

That's all balls. What you just felt is all balls.

My dick is in the bush.

I'm not arguing with you about where my dick is. I'm calling a doctor right now.

I called my doctor. Doctor, this is bad.

I can't walk, doc.

There's a chance that my dick is in the bush. I took a picture of the bush just

in case you got to come back to get it because my wife won't help me look for

it.

I'm coming to the hospital, doc, and I'm coming through the back. I don't want

nobody to see me like this. Get a gurney, get a stretcher. I can't walk.

said, Kevin, I got you.

True story, people.

My friends picked me up, put me in the passenger seat.

We pull up at the hospital. This is my worst nightmare. It's like an episode of

one of those really bad hospital TV shows. They fucking show up. They got

gurney. They put me on a gurney. They start rushing me through the hospital.

They're cutting my pants from the bottom, saying those weird hospital

that don't make sense.

Give me three TCEs with eight SUVs. I don't know what the fuck they're saying.

I don't know what they're saying.

Somebody yells out, we got to give him an MRI.

Give him an MRI so we can see what's going on.

I don't know what it is about the MRI machine, but I can't take it.

But I'm never honest about it. I lie every time.

They put me in the MRI machine.

My doctor came out. He's like, Kev, you good to go? Absolutely, doc. Let it rip.

He closed the door. I started hearing the beeps. Beep -bop. Boop -boop -boop

-boop. Bop -bop -bop. I lost it. Ah!

Ah!

I put my hands on the glass. I said, they're trying to take my DNA.

I fucking lost it.

They had to put me to sleep.

They put me to sleep. I came to. My doctor was very honest with me.

He said, Kevin, it's exactly what you thought it was.

You messed yourself up pretty bad, Kevin.

He said, Kevin, you tore both of your adductors.

Fuck!

I tore both of them.

Tears. Real tears.

Instantly. I'm crying.

I'm a fucking mess.

The reason why I was crying is because I had no idea what that was. I've never

heard that before.

I've never heard it, so I assume the worst. What are you saying, doc? I don't

have ovaries.

Did you take my ovaries, you son of a bitch?

Did you take my ovaries from me?

It was a sad day.

I got a wheelchair that day.

I was in a wheelchair for six weeks, people.

They gave me the hospital wheelchair, which is possibly the worst wheelchair

that money can buy.

It's the one that you got to fold. You got to fucking fold it.

But you got to be strong as shit. You got to fucking really.

The only way you get it flat, you got to punch the seat.

The brakes are behind the wheels. You got to step on the brakes real fucking

hard.

I have so much more respect for people in wheelchairs after being in a

wheelchair.

You know, that's that more. I've always had respect for people in wheelchairs.

I just have more respect now.

You know what it is? It's all about the wheelchair handler.

You get a bad wheelchair handler, life in a wheelchair can be shit.

You need a good wheelchair handler.

My handler was horrible.

Horrible.

My first handler, horrible.

My first handler was my wife. What a bitch out the gate. I'm going to say it.

It is what it is.

I'm being honest. Day one in the wheelchair, I get home. She rolled me in

of the window, locked the back brakes, said I'll be back.

Seven hours left me in front of that fucking window.

Seven hours.

I don't know the last time you looked out a window for seven hours, but I saw

everything that day.

It was like a black episode of misery. I don't know what the fuck is going on.

Pissing and shitting on myself.

Nobody changed me. What the fuck is this?

Life in a wheelchair was tough, man.

I didn't want my wife anymore. I said, you know what? I want my son now.

I want to use my son. My son is going to be a better handler.

My son was no better.

He played too much. My son would do shit like push the wheelchair out in front

of him real far.

Then he'd run, jump on the back, make my shit pop up.

Let me tell you something. There's no greater fear than the fear of somebody

pushing you in a wheelchair and letting you go and you see traffic.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

That's how I found out why they wore gloves. I never knew why people in

wheelchairs wore gloves.

I thought it was because they had an attitude. They were sick of people's

That day I saw traffic. I panicked. I tried to stop the wheels with my bare

hands. I burnt a hole in my palm.

I burnt a fucking hole in my palm. When it happened, there was another man in

the wheelchair across the street. Soon as I happened, he looked at me. He said,

you better get you some gloves, little man.

I went home, told my wife, I got to get some gloves.

Look what I did to my palm. I burnt a hole in my palm. I got to get some

She said, I don't got no gloves. I got some mittens upstairs.

You can use those mittens.

I get the mittens. We go outside later that night and we're rolling.

I see the same man in the wheelchair that told me to get the gloves. I try to

show him love. I say, hey, man, I appreciate you looking out for me.

to protect my hands like this means the world that we fucking sticking together

like this, man.

Apparently, this is disrespectful in the wheelchair community. This means

something.

He got mad.

He said, you ain't going to put your thumb in nobody's ass over here.

What the fuck are you talking about? Ain't nobody trying to put their thumb

your ass. I'm saying thank you for the love. I'm saying thank you.

He says, you think it's a game, bitch? He charged me.

It's my first wheelchair fight. I've never been in a wheelchair fight.

So I didn't know what the fuck to do. And I couldn't move because my son had

back brakes locked. So I had to brace for impact.

We was looking at each other.

Fucking knocked me out the chair. Oh, my God.

I got up. I'm pissed. I'm like, oh, man, who the fuck you whamming like that?

People were watching. Somebody yelled out, he faking. He can move his legs.

I said, I'm not faking.

I'm not faking. I got abducted. I don't have ovaries. They took my ovaries.

You don't know what it's like to not have ovaries. I don't have any ovaries.

You guys are laughing, but this is my life.

I started walking again in six and a half weeks.

Walking.

Because we're being honest.

Very transparent tonight.

I had a thought.

When I was walking, I realized that over the last six weeks that my dick didn't

get hard one time. This is a true story.

Oh, my God.

What is this life now? Oh, my God.

What if this is now my new norm? What if my wife want to fuck and I can't

because my dick don't work? Oh my God.

Here's the thing about me. I don't have anxiety.

But when I get it, I got it. I felt like I had it. Right?

So I started to spiral a little bit. I'm fucking spiraling.

I went out. I got a dick pill.

True story.

There's no shame in my game about admitting that I took a dick pill

I feel like every man should take a dick fill at some point in time in their

life and hit their lady with a piece of dick fill dick. I really do feel that

way.

I don't think you should tell her.

Don't tell her when you take a dick fill.

My wife has no idea that I took a dick fill.

I mean, she will once she sees this set, of course. But as of right now, she

doesn't know.

It's all about understanding the rules.

All about understanding the context behind a dick fill. You get the right

fill, you can get three good days out of a dick fill.

Rule number one is that you can't believe the hype.

Make sure you understand that, fellas. Don't believe the hype. That's not you.

It's the dick pill. You understand that?

It's not you.

It's the dick pill. Don't try to merge your regular dick after your dick pill

dick. Those are two different versions of dick.

You're going to get your feelings hurt. You're going to fuck with yourself with

steam.

You got to know how to break the days down.

Day one on a dick pill is all about setting the tone.

Setting the foundation. You know what's in your system. She don't.

You got to talk shit.

You keep walking around here stomping your goddamn feet, you're going to get

what you're asking for.

Because you must have forgotten who the fuck I am and what I'm capable of. I'm

about to toss your ass up in here.

You keep playing with me, you're going to get a goddamn blast from the past.

Whatever, Kevin.

Whatever. You're always talking shit.

Whatever. You're always talking shit.

End of day one, you do exactly what you said you were going to do. You give out

the best piece of dick pill dick that you've ever given in your life.

Day two is all about the follow through.

What did I tell you I was going to do?

Didn't I tell you I was going to do that?

I can do that whenever I want. It's like a light switch. I can flick it on,

flick it off.

The reason why you don't get that dick all the time is because you don't know

how to act. That's why you don't get that dick all the time.

You start acting right, you'll get that dick more often.

I don't act right.

I don't act right.

I don't act right.

Tell me what I gotta do to act right. I act right.

You can start by shutting the fuck up.

You're a different man with a dick pillow in your system.

You're not the same version of yourself that you are without.

Your trash talk is even different.

You're saying shit you didn't even know you were capable of saying.

What's my goddamn name?

Kevin. No.

No.

What's my full name? The way it is on my birth certificate.

Kevin Darnell Hart.

Kevin Darnell Hart.

Kevin Darnell Hart. Yeah.

Yeah.

What's my social security number?

What? I don't even know. What's my social security number? You better say

before I take this dick out. No.

Oh, God.

1, 7, 4, 3, 2, 2, 2, 1.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Raise your hand if you loving this dick.

I'm loving this dick.

You can't follow that with your regular dick.

You will get your feelings hurt.

Right out the gate, she's going to hit you with a gut punch.

As soon as you put it in.

Is it hard all the way? It don't feel like it did yesterday.

Bitch, what you just say to me?

Bitch, what you just say?

It don't feel like it did yesterday.

It don't feel like it's got the same amount of blood in it that it had in it

yesterday.

You said if I act right, I can get that dick whenever I want and I've been

acting right.

Here, let me help you. Let me help you get more blood in it.

Kevin Darnell Hart.

Kevin Darnell Hart.

Kevin Darnell Hart. Bitch, stop saying my full fucking name.

The fuck you saying my full name for like that?

One, seven, four, three, two, two, two.

Stop saying my social security number.

You wearing a wire? Who the fuck you work for?

I want that thing. I want that thing.

Put your fucking hands down.

Now it's winning in reverse.

Now you're soft. Oh, my God.

You just went soft in a session with the woman you love? Holy shit.

This is bad.

This is bad as it gets.

This is ground zero. Level 10 stage of panic.

You got to do what you can to save the session.

That's when you got to hit your lady with the squeeze and squish.

So you know what the squeeze and squish is?

The squeeze and squish is your last resort.

That's your last resort at saving the session.

That's when you got to squeeze the base with everything you got. Try to get

enough blood at the top so you can pop the seal.

That's when you turn into a transformer.

Looking for a little reaction.

What's happening? Shut up!

Shut up!

Throwing me off.

Every man in this room knows what I'm talking about. You just didn't know what

to call it.

It's a squeeze and squish. You're welcome.

Women are going to go home tonight. Are you squeezing and squishing me?

That feels very squeeze and squishers.

You know what my problem was? I think my problem was my dick pill provider.

My problem was where I was getting the dick pills from.

Because I didn't want to go to the doctor.

I didn't want to get a prescription for dick pills. I felt that was too

aggressive.

Getting a prescription for dick pills. Jesus Christ.

I mean, God, what happens when he cancels your subscription? Like, you

it anymore.

You no longer get a prescription because the doctor canceled it.

That's embarrassing.

What is that conversation like?

No, I know. I know. I know, Doc.

I'm not even fucking like that no more. I swear to God. This is it. This will be

my last time. Don't leave me out there like that.

I just can't see myself in that situation.

I was getting my dick pills from the gas station.

I was.

It didn't happen on purpose. It was an impromptu purchase.

I went to go get some gas. Went inside to get some chips. They had the dick

pills right next to the chips. I said, fuck it.

I took it right there.

I drank a C4 energy drink, felt it right away.

My problem was the gas station clerk. I had so many questions for the gas

station clerk.

I told you guys I got a little anxiety.

I was treating the gas station clerk like a doctor. I had so much I wanted to

know.

I said, excuse me, excuse me.

Can you tell me the difference between a Rhino XL and a Silverback 45 Pro?

What's the difference between those two?

Oh, okay. So you like the rhino. Okay.

Okay.

I'm allergic to shellfish. Anything I need to worry about?

No, I'll be fine. Okay.

How do your customers feel? Do you feel like you get repeat customers?

Do they come back and buy more after they buy it? Do they say they loved it

come back and get it again? He told me flat out.

He said, I got one guy that comes in here, buys every dick pill we have. He

leaves with them in his back pocket. I said, there's only one back pocket big

enough to fit that many dick pills.

Michael Jordan, you son of a bitch.

Michael Dick Hill Jordan, you son of a bitch.

Michael, kill me when you see this, man. I can't wait. You're going to fucking

kill me.

Y 'all going to read about me and Mike fighting in the streets. I'm just going

to keep punching him in his back pocket. Fuck you, Mike.

Fuck you, man.

I know where the computer is.

I really am afraid of being addicted to pills.

That's a real fear of mine.

The reason why is because I'm a 45 -year -old black man. This is where health

and wellness comes into play, man.

Take care of yourself, people.

Take care of yourself while you can make the choice. Do not wait until you don't

have a choice.

Let that sink in.

Take care of yourself while you can make the fucking choice.

Health and wellness is very serious.

It is.

It is.

why I'm so big taking care of myself is because a lot of shit is in my family.

A lot of shit. My family's fucked up, man.

Name it. They got it.

Diabetes. Fucking cancer.

High blood pressure.

Hypertension. Gout.

I'm being stroked left and right. You name it, they're fucking battling it.

I don't want to be that guy, so I'm trying to fucking prevent it.

Trying to change myself now so I don't have to do it later.

That's what I'm trying to do. That's the goal.

Uh... I'll...

I'll say to my friends, my friends are probably the dumbest people in the world

when it comes to understanding health and wellness. My friends have no respect

for health and wellness.

Actually, Spank may be the dumbest when it comes to understanding health and

wellness. We were at dinner, this was like a month ago, Spank drank a glass of

wine, right?

After he got done with wine, he said, God damn, every time I drink wine, I get

dizzy as shit, my motherfucker.

Eyes get blurry. I can't feel my hand. The left side of my face feel like it

long. My fucking arm is numb. I can't feel my leg. My foot feel like it got

spikes coming in it. I said, bitch, you're having a stroke. This is a

He said, I'm all right. I'm just going to go home and lay down and drink some

ginger ale. I said, what?

I'm going to lay down and drink some ginger ale.

I really want to meet the person responsible for convincing black people

ginger ale is medicine. I want to meet you.

meet you so I can punch you in the fucking throat. It's not medicine.

It's fucking soda.

It's soda.

You want to know what's not in ginger ale?

Ginger. How about we start there, people?

Fucking ginger.

People got fucking small bottles of ginger ale in their medicine cabinet.

You fucking idiots. It's soda.

My friends swear by ginger ale.

They swear by it.

My friend Harry, his knees have been messed up for over 10 years.

I know it's his meniscus. I know it is.

As Harry was wrong with his knee, he goes, I slept wrong. I just gotta let it

loosen up.

Spank goes, you gotta drink some ginger ale. Harry goes, word?

This is a true story. Harry goes, word?

He said, I'm telling you, drink some ginger ale. Harry orders the ginger ale.

Drinks it.

Stands up. He goes, oh shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I feel that.

You lying bitch.

Telling me you feel bubbles in your fucking knee? You don't feel shit.

Health and wellness all comes down to what you can eat versus what you can't.

There's a battle people lose every day.

Some people understand it, some people don't.

What can you eat versus what you can't?

Old people don't give a fuck.

Old people do not give a fuck. You ever try to correct an old person when you

know the shit they can't have?

Come on, grandpa, you know you can't eat that salt.

Motherfucker, I know.

They don't give a fuck about you or the doctor.

They don't give a fuck.

I already know what I can have and I know what I can't.

I love the spicy chicken sandwich from Chick -fil -A.

I can't eat it, though. I love it.

I think it's the best sandwich in the world, but I can't eat it.

The sandwich is undefeated. Never lost a battle to my body.

Never. Every time I eat that sandwich, it comes out my ass like a buckshot. One

shot.

One shot.

There it is.

There it is.

I don't even look back. I know it's a mess. I know it's a fucking mess back

there. Bah!

You know what pisses me off about that sandwich? I know I chew it. I chew the

fuck out that sandwich.

Somehow that bitch put herself back together and comes out my ass whole.

The bun being on the back of the toilet seat, the chicken patty on the goddamn

floor.

I got to put the bitch back together and put it in the toilet.

Fuck that sandwich. It's an ass fire. It's a walking ass fire.

The older you get, the less you can have.

Your stomach fucking weakens the older you get. You can't eat shit no more.

If you really want to laugh, go to dinner with old people.

Go to dinner with old people so you can hear old people telling waiters the shit

they can't have.

That'd be the simplest shit.

Excuse me, is it limiting that water? Uh -uh. Get it out of here.

I eat that lemon and it's over for me for the month.

I be shitting for days. I eat that lemon.

Lemon make you shit?

Is there sesame seeds on that bun? Uh -uh. Get it out of here.

I eat a sesame seed. I'm fucked up for the year. What?

For the year? God.

Getting old is fun.

I can't wait to get to the other side of old age.

It's all about knowing the version of old that you want to be.

I know the version of old that I want to be, and I know the version that I do

not want to be.

I've already had a talk with my family.

If I get to a certain level of old, I don't want to live no more. I don't want

to be here.

I don't want to get to this point where I'm like, oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Where you always look like somebody called you. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I don't want to fucking live. If I get there, you got to remind me of all the

shit that I used to like.

Grandpop, you want some pancakes?

I want no goddamn pancakes. But you love pancakes.

Oh.

Oh.

That's right. I do love pancakes.

take me out back, shoot me in the fucking head.

I ain't going to be owing people to death. Oh, oh.

Somebody going to lay that nigga down.

I don't want to get to that space where I need that pillbox. I don't want that

either.

That long -ass pillbox with the days a week on it, I'd rather fucking die.

I'd rather die than pull that out of my pocket at fucking dinner.

Oh, boy.

Oh.

Anybody know what day it is?

Thursday. Oh, no. I thought it was Tuesday.

Shoot me.

I don't want to fucking be here.

If I can't blow out my birthday candles on my birthday cake, I don't want to

fucking be here.

That's the worst shit that you can do to an old person.

Old people turn 83, 85 years old. You get these big ass birthday cakes with

these fucking candles on it. You got 85 candles on a birthday cake. You come

out. Happy birthday, grandma.

Blow out the candles.

No, she can't.

Been here 45 minutes waiting on this bitch to blow these fucking candles out.

Gotta go to work.

You can do it, Grandma.

I don't want to fucking be here.

I just want to get to that age where I can say whatever the fuck is on my mind.

That's the old that I want to be.

There's a certain level of old where you just start saying shit. You don't care.

You're on the other side of fucking life. Some old people have done it

You know who did it right?

The legend, Quincy Jones. Rest in peace to the legend himself.

Quincy fucking Jones.

Oh my God.

Man, Quincy got old, just start saying shit.

You want some comedy, go watch Quincy Jones' last four or five interviews.

He just starts saying shit. Shit that had nothing to do with the goddamn

questions being asked.

Quincy was on his own time. He was doing his own shit.

I watched the interview. They said, Quincy, tell us what music means to you.

said, I fucked all the Supremes. Hold on, Quincy. Wait, what?

Jesus Christ, Quincy. Wait.

I don't give a fuck.

You know what Supremes stand for? Supreme pussy. I don't give a fuck.

I've been doing cocaine for 60 years. Oh, shit.

Wendy, stop.

Stop talking.

Say I give a fuck? I got shit that people need to know.

I know stuff.

Here's a big one. Stevie Wonder not blind.

He been faking.

He been faking this whole time.

Stevie asked me years ago, how can I compete with Ray Charles?

I said, be better at being blind. You know what Stevie did?

That's what he did.

He can see them keys.

He can see them keys.

He's been faking.

Joe, that's enough. No more, Joe. No more.

I'm the one who told Joe Jackson to whoop them kids. Wait, whoa!

He didn't miss a day. He didn't miss a day.

bleach Michael's skin.

I did it.

I did it.

He said he wanted to go solo. I said, you ain't gonna make it like that.

Bleach. I did it.

That's a different level of old age. I want to get there.

Where you just start saying what the fuck you want. I'm getting close.

You know, this was a joke. I didn't know if I was going to keep it or not.

But I'll tell you, I'll fucking put it in. So remember the dinner that I told

you guys about that I had with my family for my nephew, right?

So at that dinner, we got done eating. The waiter comes out.

True story. Waiter comes out. He goes, hey, you guys want dessert? My family

goes ham.

hell you want dessert give me the sweet potato pie i want the lemon meringue pie

give me the triple air chocolate cake oh give me the red velvet cupcake oh fuck

that give me that goddamn that apple pie i'm gonna taste that yeah i'll take a

little bit of yours get the root beer float extra float he said mr heart what

about you you want something i said no i'm good i don't eat sweets my uncle got

mad he said look at little hollywood

Are you too good to eat some goddamn sweets with your fucking family?

Because you missed the perfect. Give me one reason why you can't eat no goddamn

sweets with your fucking family. Why can't you enjoy dessert with your

family?

I said, I don't know.

Maybe because there's only a bunch of left feet under the table. How about I

start there?

Think about it.

Think about it.

You get it?

It's a diabetes joke. It's a diabetes joke.

So. In black families, when they get diabetes, the first thing they lose is

their foot.

So I'm saying if you look under the table, it's only a bunch of left feet

because everybody got their right foot cut off. You get it?

Yeah.

See, the beauty of the joke isn't the joke. The joke is actually finding the

white person that's confused after I said it.

The fuck are they cutting off this goddamn family's feet for?

She was so confused.

What? What? What?

I don't know if I can keep it, though.

I don't know if I can keep the joke because my uncle, my uncle really does

one foot.

He does.

And I know I'm going to have to see him again. He's got an attitude.

Oh, you're a real funny nigga, ain't you, Kevin?

reason why I shouldn't come over there and put my goddamn foot in your ass

now.

He just got his leg cut off. It just happened.

I can tell him he hasn't fully processed it yet.

Because he still says a lot of two -legged shit. He does.

He be slipping up.

The comedian in me can't let it slide.

I can't fucking let it slide.

We was leaving the house the other day. We all got in the car, closed the car

doors. He was like, fuck, it's cold out here. Open the door. I'm going to run

inside and get my coat. I said, ah!

You can hop in there and get your fucking coat.

You ain't running nowhere.

This is a great opportunity to make sure that you guys all understand the

through line of connectivity through the set.

I decided to title the set Acting My Age because I wanted to draw attention back

to the fucking important side of old age.

I feel like we're in a time now where everybody's trying to get younger.

Everybody's trying to turn back the hand of time.

Nobody's celebrating the other side.

Old age, let me tell you what it is. It's a definition of life lived,

experience, and wisdom.

Without those things, you don't have the W in life. That's the W in life.

Also understand, old age is a fucking blessing. It's an unbelievable blessing

because you don't have to get there.

You don't have to get there. So when you get to 50, 60, 70, 80, understand,

guys, that shit ain't promised. You're one of the few, the fortunate, and the

-between. So stand on the pedestal and celebrate your fucking life correctly

when you reach those monumental numbers, okay?

Don't be afraid to stay in your lane.

When you get old as fuck, stay in your old ass lane. Don't swerve.

Stop swerving.

That's how you get hurt. That's how I broke my dick. Swerving.

Swerving.

I had no business racing that man.

No business.

Messed up my whole summer with that fucking race.

Threw my whole summer in the trash.

Me and my family, we were supposed to take vacations all summer.

We only took one vacation because I injured myself.

We went to Rwanda.

Wanted to take the family to Rwanda because I wanted a new experience.

Something that we could all hold on to.

Something that could give us a little goddamn culture, right? An understanding

of another environment.

When we go on vacation, the word no never exists. We embrace it all.

As soon as we get to Rwanda, the first thing they suggested, they said, you

have to go gorilla trekking.

You have to go gorilla trekking.

For those people here tonight who do not know what gorilla trekking is, I do my

best to explain it to you.

Gorilla trekking is when you basically go to the jungle and you discover what

seems to be gorilla footprints, only to follow those footprints to land you in a

natural habitat of real gorillas.

When they said it, I said, fuck it, I don't care, I'll do it.

The reason why is because in my mind, I was like, there has to be glass, right?

There has to be glass.

I've never been around gorillas and there hasn't been glass. There has to be

glass.

They said, Kevin, your younger kids can't go.

So it's me and my wife and my two teenagers.

We're now with two other groups. It's one white family of four, and it's

white group of friends of four. It's a total of 12 of us.

To get to the jungle, you got to hike through the park. The park turns into

jungle. This is a true story.

When we arrive at the jungle, soldiers join us.

They got AK -47s, machine guns.

They're wearing tactical gear. They had the motherfucking handguns strapped to

their legs.

Naturally, when I see this, I have questions. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

What's going on? Why are they here? What's about to happen?

He said, oh, they're here just in case the gorillas get out of line and we got

to put them down.

When you say, like, what do they do? Do they smack the glass? What do they do?

Can they break the glass?

Nobody answers me, so I assume the things that I'm saying are correct.

We're now joined by a tour guide.

Tour guide's name is Antoine.

Antoine is a man that's dedicated his life to understanding gorillas. He knows

gorillas inside and out, top to bottom.

Antoine is a black man that I do not want white people to find out about.

Antoine was the closest thing to a human gorilla I've ever seen in my fucking

life. Now, when I say it, it sounds crazy at first, but I'll explain why.

Antoine is responsible for telling us what we need to do when we encounter the

actual gorilla.

This is Antoine's exact words. This is exactly what he said to us.

He goes, okay, listen up.

Rule number one.

Rule number one, you must not look the gorilla in the eye.

If the gorilla looks at you, you look down. You submit.

You submit to the gorilla because you have no power. The gorilla has the

You have no power. You are powerless.

compared to the gorilla. You looked down, showed the gorilla that he had the

power and that you had no power.

You are powerless.

Rule number two.

You must become one with the gorilla.

You must do what the gorilla does.

He starts morphing into a fucking gorilla in real time.

I can't believe what the fuck I'm witnessing right now.

I'm getting irritated because this black man is acting like a gorilla in front

of these fucking white people. I'm getting pissed.

And the white people were taking notes. They were writing shit down.

I got mad. I was like, bitch, what the fuck are you writing down?

She stressed me.

Pay attention.

Bitch, I'll knock your ass out. Don't tell me to fucking pay attention.

The fuck are you writing down in that book?

Antoine keeps going.

He's jumping up and down, smacking the ground.

When he gets done, he looks at my son. He goes, now you try.

I said, he will do no such fucking thing.

You're not about to have my son act like no goddamn gorilla out here in front of

these white people so you can fuck up his life like they did them Jordan boys.

You're not going to do that to my goddamn son.

You're not going to do that to my goddamn son.

He said, suit yourself.

Shoot yourself. He runs to a tree.

Bites the bark off the tree.

He starts licking the sugar underneath.

He says the gorillas love sugar. You too must love sugar.

He grabs a scoop of eucalyptus out of the bushes. He starts rubbing eucalyptus

all over his body. He says the gorillas love the smell of eucalyptus. You too

must smell like eucalyptus.

Now, retract.

He takes off, runs in the fucking jungle.

Got to fucking follow him.

We're trekking in the jungle.

Hand on the Bible. This is a true story.

15, 20 minutes into the trek, he stops.

He goes, stop.

Because in that words, they're here.

I said.

Where's the glass? Where do I get behind the glass?

Where's the glass?

People, I turned to my goddamn left.

About seven to nine female gorillas come out the goddamn bushes. They're on two

legs. These motherfuckers is walking. They're walking out.

I ain't never seen no shit like it. Immediately, I submit it. I put my hand

I hit the ground. I submit.

I submit.

And that's why I tried to pick me up. He said, Kevin, get up, get up, get up. I

said, no. Get the fuck off me. I have no power.

They have the power. I have no power.

I am powerless.

They have the power.

I look this way. My wife, my wife, dumbass, got the phone out with the

She's trying to get video.

She's trying to get footage. I hit her.

Bitch, get down. Get down.

Submit. We have no power. They have the power. We are powerless.

Now, it's like 15 of them. It's like fucking 15.

A whole goddamn family. Bunch of nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles.

These motherfuckers walking around. We in the middle. We in the middle of it.

It's all happening so fast.

One of the gorillas touched my forehead. He didn't hit me, but he pulled my

forehead back and made my eyes open up wider than they ever have in my life.

Like, I had so much fucking white in my eyes.

And when I did it, I could see the soldier. The soldier was right here. I

said...

Shoot it. Like, what the fuck are you doing, man?

Shoot it.

This is clearly a fucking attack.

It's an attack.

He's trying to fucking rip my forehead off. I don't know what he's doing.

All the gorillas keep playing. They roughhousing the shit. We're watching

For no reason, they all get up at the same time. They run in the jungle.

Antoine stands up. He's so excited. He goes, isn't it beautiful?

Isn't it beautiful?

The life of the gorilla live in person.

Now we track the gorilla so he can see the way the gorilla lives.

We follow the gorilla.

I said, fuck you, man. No.

I'm not following them fucking gorillas. No.

I'm going back. Me and my family are going back. And I want to take a soldier

with me that's not afraid to do his job unlike this bitch. You're a bitch.

Yes, you are. You're a bitch. He tried to rip my fucking forehead off.

He said, Kevin, no, you must finish the trek. You must finish the trek. I said,

no, I'm going back.

He goes, oh, no, the boss.

I said, good. I want to talk to your fucking boss. I don't like the way

been treating us since we've been here.

Hand on the Bible, people. I turn to my left.

A real light silverback gorilla appears from the same goddamn bushes.

Oh, my God. When I say a real light silverback gorilla, I'm talking about a

nigga. All chest, no legs.

All chest, no legs.

This gorilla ain't never did legs or chest.

If a gorilla went to the penitentiary, he would look like this. I ain't never

seen no shit like this.

He came out, touched a tree. The tree just fell. Bow. Tree's on the ground.

People, I can't believe that I'm in arm's distance of a real life silverback

gorilla. I'm actually in awe of the fucking moment. Everybody else,

else is on the ground. Everybody else is submitted. I'm the only one standing up

looking at the fucking silverback.

Only thing that snapped me out of it was my son.

My son tapped my leg twice.

I turned around. My son said, bye, Dad.

I said, what the fuck do you mean, bye, Dad? What?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

It dawned on me I'm breaking rule number one. Rule number one was do not look

the silverback in the eye. I'm looking the silverback dead in the fucking eye.

Now I'm scared.

I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to fucking do. So I turn

around and talk to Antoine. So Antoine can tell me what to do. When I turn

around and talk to Antoine, Antoine was gone.

Antoine.

Antoine was running with the best form I've ever seen in my fucking life. He

his fingers closed up to perfection.

This motherfucker was hitting that bitch.

He was chopping that wind like a piece of cake. You hear me?

At this point, I don't know what to do.

At this point, it is what it is. I'm looking at the silverback.

Silverback is looking at me. Let me tell you something.

I've never been a bitch.

I'm not going to start being a bitch today.

It is what the fuck it is. While I'm looking at the silverback, he decided to

bang on me.

He said, Let me tell you what this means.

When a silverback hits their chest like that, that's their way of letting you

know how strong they are.

That's how they gauge who's stronger before they fight.

Here's another piece of information.

When silverbacks fight, Whichever silverback loses the fight loses

You lose your wife and your kids.

If you lose a fight as a silverback, you just got to walk in the jungle with

nothing. You got to figure fucking life out. You don't have anything, right?

That's why he has so many fucking kids and all them goddamn wives. He don't

whoop that many silverbacks' ass, right? He done did it.

Now, this is a question.

It's a question for y 'all. Don't answer it now. Answer it later on your own

time. Is that really a loss?

Like, if we fight, right? Listen.

If we fight and I lose, you're saying that you got to take my wife and my kids

and you go that way and I get to go this way for free. Is that what you're

saying?

Because it doesn't sound like a loss.

Okay, so I'm looking at the silverback. He's looking at me.

It is what the fuck it is. I'm like, okay, I'm not going to bang on my chest

back. If I do, he's going to know I'm a bitch. I'm not about to do that. So I

did what any other man in this room would do if they were in my shoes.

There's not a man in this room that wouldn't have done exactly what I did if

were in my position.

I looked that silverback dead in the eye, and I did everything Antoine said.

said, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

I jumped up. I smacked the ground. I ran to the tree. I bit the bark off. I

grabbed the eucalyptus, rubbed it in my ass. The only reason why I'm telling you

all this is because I know for a fact that them white people take the whole

thing. They got it all on tape.

And it's a matter of time before this shit hits the internet, but I wanted y

'all to hear it from me first.

So you can understand I did what the fuck I had to do to save my family. And

learned a valuable lesson that day. And that lesson that I learned is that I

should have took the other dick pill. I should have went with the Silverback 45

Pro. It's a stronger dick pill. And Miami, you guys are a strong crowd.

Thank you so much for joining me. My name is Kevin Hart, and I love you. Good

night.