Original subtitles

I'm here to see the big cheese.

You just missed it. The big ham too.

I'm here for my job interview, s-s-stupid.

I don't have a job interview today.

Well, then I must be mistaken.

Good day, sir.

[phone ringing]

- Hello? - 'Hello.'

(Daffy) 'Hey, listen Mister, um'

'um, uh, hey, what's that on the celling?'

Where?

'Mister Carey.'

'There's a guy coming in for a job.'

'He's small and has an adorable lisp.'

'But he's a genius, I tell ya. A genius!'

'Hire him right away.'

So?

Do I have the job?

Wait a second, I can't hire you.

You're a... you're a duck.

What are you trying to say here?

You don't hire ducks?

Well, if you were a jackass, maybe.

Then you could run the place.

But, uh...

...but a duck... no.

That's a blatant example of discrimi-nimi-nation!

Whatever happened to affirmative action?

I don't s-s-see any ducks around here.

Uh, w-w-well, what are your, uh, uh, uh, qua-qualifications?

You want qualifications?

I got 'em coming out the wazoo!

I got an MBA.

A Ph.D.

An EKG.

A BLT.

A TNT.

And a big old load of TLC.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

So, whaddaya say, ya big pampered ball of fluff?

I'd say, you better get out of my L-A-P.

You are one weird duck.

You ain't just whistling dixies, fat boy.

Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

What do you want?

[heartbeat]

Finally, one of my people.

Get off the desk, duck.

I love you.

I wanna take you away from all this.

You're a veritable kaleidoscope of colors.

And I'm ready to claim the pot of gold

at the end of the rainbow.

Mmmuuuaah!

Wow! What a woman.

Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!

You've gotta give me that job, you've just gotta!

No can do, ducky.

You don't understand.

You don't know what it's like out there...

...for a duck.

♪ Nobody knows ♪

♪ The trouble I've seen ♪

♪ Nobody knows but me ♪

Yeah.

Besides, we're getting close to duck hunting season.

Uh-huh, no it's not.

It's uh... rabbit season.

Duck season.

- Rabbit season. - Duck season.

- Rabbit season! - Ah, forget it.

I'll make it somehow.

Maybe, I'll find some nice family...

...and I'll be their...

[slurring heavily] ...S-S-Sunday s-s-supper.

[crying]

By the way, on my way in

Mr. Wick said he wanted to see ya.

Oh, thanks. Listen, I'm...

I'm sorry we didn't have anything for ya.

Nah, it's okay.

[explosion]

[coughing]

S-S-So long... s-s-sucker!

Ha ha ha! What a dope!

And that's why we don't hire ducks.

[instrumental music]

No kidding, so we actually shed

one whole layer of skin every month?

Yep. We're just pink snakes with feet.

Huh.

Hey, you told me this jerk

wasn't gonna be here.

You swore to me we were gonna have

lunch alone.

Oh, wait a minute, I think

I've got something in my pocket here

that'll explain what's going on.

Oh, gee, I only have one finger in my pocket.

Look, I got you both down here

because you're gonna make up one way or the other.

- No. - Yes. Yes, you are.

First of all, Oswald.

Getting all bent out of shape

just because he humiliated you at your own wedding shower

in an attempt to destroy

what may have well been

your last chance at happiness.

And you.

I can't believe you're upset with Oswald

just because he beat the crap out of you

in one of the worst displays of public embarrassment

I've ever seen in my life.

Well, it just makes me sick.

Maybe Lewis has a point, listen, I'm...

...maybe I shouldn't have bought Kate

that dress, and I'm...

I went too far, I'm sorry.

Maybe I was being a little oversensitive.

Come here, pudding belly.

That's what I like to see.

A couple guys loving each other.

I...I mean, a couple guys not fighting over a dress.

I mean, a couple guys not letting it come to blows.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I mean.

Uh, hey, good news, Kate.

Drew and I are friends again.

That's great, I knew you'd work it out.

By the way, did you guys see that truck outside

giving away free ice-cream?

(both) Free ice-cream?

I think it's ice-cream, it might be fat-free yogurt.

There's no truck, Drew, we need to talk about Oswald.

Hey.

We talked about Oswald.

You have to tell him you're not in love with him.

An-and you have to do it fast, the wedding's in a week.

I know. I got it covered.

I'm gonna give him this first, to soften the blow.

"When Bad Things Happen To Good People."

This is great, a little something to read, while he's

on the roof, waiting for the SWAT team to show up.

(Kate) 'Alright, alright.'

That's why I got him one of these

special talking greeting cards as a back up.

"On this our wedding day, until we're old and gray.

I just wanna say.."

(Kate over recording) 'I'm sorry, Oswald, um'

'I don't wanna marry you.'

'Pff, um, hey, can I record it again? I wanna add some stuff.'

(man over recording) 'Sorry, lady, you just get one chance.'

- 'Hey, but..' - 'That'll be eight bucks.'

(Kate over recording) 'Oh, crap!'

Just... give me a minute.

Drew, I can't tell him to his face.

This is the hardest thing this poor guy's

ever gonna go through, and it's all because of me.

Hey, listen, if you really love him

you'll rip his heart out in person.

You know, when a woman dumps me, I expect it to be prompt.

I expect her to be uncomfortable.

And I expect her to contain her excitement, until it's over.

Anyway.

I'm gonna leave him a note telling him to meet me at home.

When we're alone, I'll sit him down...

...I'll pour my heart out to him...

Then it'll all be over.

Let's go.

"Oswald, bad news, ask Drew."

You know what?

I'm gonna go there with you just to make sure

you go through with this.

You don't trust me?

That's it, now I'm not gonna help

you tell Oswald I'm breaking up with him.

Fine, I don't need your help, I'll tell him myself.

Ooh!

[instrumental music]

I'm a wreck. How do I look?

You know, you look-you look too good.

You should look bad when you break up with somebody.

Make 'em glad to get rid of you.

How's this?

Now you just look sultry.

What do you want me to do? Pull a tooth?

Hi, Katie Bear. Hi, Drew.

Hey, Oswald. What's the... What's the matter?

Well, first we had to walk about three miles

before we found that ice-cream truck.

And then it took some convincing for him

to give it to us for free.

Besides, I guess, I'm a little jittery about the wedding.

Why don't we sit down and talk about it.

Hey, you know what I just realized?

I'm not in the other room. Hey!

Who wants some hot chocolate, huh?

You know, no matter what's going on in your life

hot chocolate always makes it feel better.

It's like a big brown hug.

Bye.

I'm glad we're talking about this

'cause, I was listening to the radio

and they said, that half of all marriages

end in divorce.

It'd be better for everybody

if those people never got married.

- Hmm. - 'Hey.'

(Drew) 'Speaking of comfort food, huh, who wants macaroni and cheese'

'to go with that hot chocolate?'

Boy, I feel sorry for the poor bastard

who needs all that comfort food.

Anyway...

The people on the radio said that

if somebody had given them a last minute chance to...

...to back outta the wedding

then, they would have taken it.

- Katie Bear? - Yeah?

I can give you more love than any man alive.

Still...

...if you wanna back out of the marriage...

...you tell me now.

I'll understand.

Oh, thank God.

Woo!

Ha ha ha.

Wow, I don't know what I would have done

if you had said yes, but...

Now, now that we're past that horrible moment.

They say our marriage will last forever.

All done?

Okay, hot chocolate coming in.

Oswald, ther-there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

And going out.

[knocking]

Hold on, one minute.

- 'Hey, momma.' - Hi, honey.

- Hey. - Hey.

This is a surprise, you're a week early.

Well, you know...

All those frequent bus miles were gonna expire next week.

Hey, look who... who it is.

(Drew) 'Hi, Mrs..'

Hi, Mrs. Harvey.

You're all grown up now, Drew.

You can call me Kim.

I can't, it ruins the fantasy.

Uh, hey, why don't you two catch up.

And Drew and I will take Kim's bags into the bedroom.

See you later, Mrs. Harvey.

I can't believe you still got a crush on me.

You know?

When you were a kid... you looked too young for me.

Now, you look too old.

Sorry, Drewy.

Oh, man, I lapped her.

What am I gonna do? His mother's here, I gotta leave.

What are you talking about? You can't leave.

You have to tell Oswald.

What, and spend the rest of the week here

with him and his mother?

She's tough, she takes the bus.

You know what? I bet you could take her.

I've had dreams where you did.

Just shut up and help me.

Hey, guys, okay, so I'm thinking

Mom's shopping for a dress

'and then we'll all meet at Drew's'

at 6:00 for dinner.

(Oswald) 'Drew..'

What are you doing with Kate's underwear?

I'm in the middle of a demonstration

for your honeymoon night, if you don't mind.

Oh... shh, sorry.

(Kate) 'Okay, here's the plan.'

You keep his mom busy and I'll break the news to Oswald.

Okay, sounds good.

First let's find out why there's a balloon

in the middle of my living room.

"Pop me?"

Well...

I always do what a balloon tells me to, so...

It's for you.

"Kate, look under the couch.

"First, tell Drew to stop looking at your butt.

Second, turn on TV and play tape and VCR."

Now who's looking at whose butt, huh?

What?

Nothing.

(Lewis over TV) 'You do not know who I am.'

[German accent] 'Now open the fridge'

'and look in the Spam.'

"Now that you've seen my Spam

go down the shelf and look at my ham."

What kind of monster is wasting my food?

"I try to rhyme with yard

"but I gave up 'cause it's too hard.

So just go outside."

So far, they've wasted food

and a balloon.

This better be good.

(All) Surprise!

Oh, no, Oswald. What did you do?

Well, we were getting so stressed out about the wedding

I thought let's just do it, no planning, no pressure.

You're throwing me a surprise wedding?

[applause and cheering]

Wow, what a great idea.

Wonder why you don't see more of these.

Why didn't you tell me about this?

I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, well, you know you can't keep a secret.

I can't keep a secret?

I'm keeping a secret that can blow this party wide open.

Quiet, everybody.

I think Drew's coming out.

Yeah, that's right, Mimi.

I'm gay.

As far as you're concerned, I'm gay.

Now, I guess all that's left is to...

Get Kate in that dress

and we're right back.

Well, why are you going with her?

Uh, I've to change too and, uh...

I gotta make sure that she doesn't, uh

jump out of her bathroom window.

Quick, jump out the bathroom window.

What am I gonna do?

I-I can't hurt him in front of all these people.

I'm just gonna go through with it.

What?

Yeah. We'll get married.

I'll learn to love him.

Oh wait, yeah, just like you learned to...

...play guitar, speak Spanish

and be a ventriloquist.

Did you ever do any of those things?

Si, senor.

See, I didn't even see your lips move

'cause I'm blinded by the insanity of this whole thing.

Why, if the shoe's on the other foot

I'd plaster a smile on my face

and walk your sorry ass down the aisle.

Oh, fine, I'll just stand by

while you go out there and make the biggest

mistake of your life.

Oh, thank you.

(Lewis) 'So, when you think about it..'

Kissing is just pressing your lips

to the sweet end of 66 feet of intestines.

[indistinct mumbling]

Lewis...

...we gotta stop the wedding.

Alright.

Don't you wanna know why?

Look, Drew, this maybe way off base, but...

Does it have anything to do with the fact

that Oswald is a man-child

stuck in a kind of prolonged adolescence

and while that may have appealed to Kate at first

ultimately, she realized she needed someone more challenging

to what she perceives as her intellect.

Wow.

When did ya come up with that.

Do you believe in magic cheese, Drew?

Kate...

Oh, it's just one beer. I'm a little nervous.

Honey...

...I love my kid.

But when you're marrying a Harvey

it doesn't hurt to have a couple of drinks in ya.

Thanks for understanding.

Here's to moms.

Think about this...

You'll never be alone again.

He'll be there when you wake up in the morning

and when you go to bed at night.

For the rest of your life.

Yeah, I need more beer.

Oh, look at you blubberin' like a baby.

As much as I like sitting out there making monkey chat

with your loser friends and relatives

let's get this show on a roll.

Just a second.

Geez, now you smudged your make-up.

Come here, princess.

I'll take care of it.

Couple of blasts of this sealer

and you'll be gorgeous again.

Look, I'll take care of her make-up.

You just go back to making balloon animals

and entertaining the kids.

I ain't a clown, truck-stop.

Good luck. Best wishes.

Let's get out there and pledge your life

to dead-brain walking.

Hey.

I'm his mother.

Well, then you know.

(All) Aw.

Kate, you're...

...about to walk down the aisle with an empty beer bottle.

What does that tell you?

Look at her, she's so beautiful.

I can't help myself.

Kate, I want to ask you in front of all these people.

Will you marry me?

Oh, no, a drunken English guy crossed your path

you can't get married today, that's bad luck.

Please.

You can't just grab something

and force it to love you.

Now get over here, 'cause you're with me.

Are we ready to begin?

Catherine and Oswald have asked that the ceremony

be brief and, in their own words

"Let's do the vows and grill us some cows."

My only concern is that

the marriage is long, not the ceremony

and so I'll ask them now to recite their own vows.

- Oswald? - Well, Katie bear, I...

I found a note that I wrote to Lewis in the sixth grade

and I-I think it still applies today.

"Hey, dude. Missed you last night.

"Mom taught us how to do the hustle.

"Weirdest thing is, after everybody else went to bed

"I slow danced with Kate and it, and it just felt right.

"Someday I'd like to marry her.

"Or that chick from Poseidon Adventure."

Oswald. P.S. Foghat forever."

And Kate, do you have anything to say?

Wait.

I can't hold back any longer.

Drew and I have an important announcement

that we must reveal this time.

Take it, Drew.

Someone in this backyard is a murderer.

[gasping]

Touch nothing.

Okay, now.

I'm going to shut the lights off for 30 seconds

and in that time...

I expect the murderer

or murderess... to get the hell out of here.

I'm saying my vows now, Drew.

Oswald, you're my best friend

and I hope you'll always be my best friend

no matter what.

Oswald, do you have the ring?

- You want the ring? - Yeah.

Well, here's the ring. Whoa.

- There's the ring. - Hey, hey.

There's the ring.

Lewis, go long...

- And then run to a pawn shop. - Right.

Hey, guys.

We're right in the middle of my wedding ceremony!

Well, okay. For a minute.

Knock it off.

Drew Allison Carey

you give Oswald that ring back right now.

Drew Allison Carey?

Jeez, all three of his names are girl names.

It's okay, mom. We're just foolin' around.

It's like when they Keep Away with my report card

'cause they know I wasn't gonna graduate.

This is our way of protecting each other

when we know something bad is gonna happen.

Uh-oh.

I'm sorry, Oswald, I can't marry you.

Louder!

If you threw your make-up down

you could've heard her the first time.

Uh, obviously...

I can say there isn't gonna be a wedding here today, so...

But, I'd like you all to stay, and...

And celebrate what I hope would be

Kate and my...

...continued friendship.

I'd like to...

...thank all of you for your affection and support.

Thanks for understanding.

I can afford to be dignified, because in about 30 seconds

my mom's gonna kick your ass.

Katie...

...can I talk to ya?

Hey, a fight's as good as a wedding.

(All) Fight, fight, fight, fight...

Don't go beating yourself up, Katie.

There's no good way to get out of a wedding.

I just hope he's having fun on the honeymoon.

Well...

...he's got Lewis and Drew with him.

(McNabb) 'Kate..'

Did you say the boys were going to Tamarindo?

'According to the news here'

there's some kinda problem going on down there.

[gunfire and explosions]

Did someone just say, "Pass the lotion?"

Hey, they're announcing the winner

of the Drew Carey Show April Fools contest.

(man on radio) 'And the grand prize winner'

'of the $25,000, and a trip to Los Angeles'

'to be on the Drew Carey Show'

'is Dan Dobner, from Seville, Ohio.'

'And the first prize, all expenses paid trip to Cleveland'

'goes to Mary Teresa Herren, from Louisville, Ohio.'

'Congratulations to them'

'and to the other 400'

'Drew Carey special prize winners.'

So, we didn't win.

We're in paradise.

[gunfire]