Original subtitles

Alright, you all know the rules to dizzy pool, right?

- Yes. - Yes.

Alright, Drew, you're up first.

Now you have to shoot within three seconds.

- Okay? - Careful.

- Okay. - Alright.

One... two... shoot, shoot, shoot.

Ho-ho!

Wow, he actually hit the cube ball.

Okay, that's one point for Drew, right.

Alright, Lewis, you're up next.

O-okay, alright...

There you go.

One, two...

- Whoa! - Oh.

So that drinkin' really paid off, huh?

[horse snorts]

Oh, Drew.

Wow, I didn't even feel that one.

I thought your knees were the first thing to go.

(Greg) 'Hey.'

Hey, Carey.

(Drew) Everyone else sees this, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, Clemens, I got a riddle for you.

What has four legs, attracts flies

and shouldn't be in my yard?

Oswald and Lewis.

Okay, let me add to that riddle.

What has the brain the size of a...

What eats standin'...

What smells...

Bah, forget it.

We're only gonna be a minute, Drew.

This is Charlie.

Oh, does he live in your house?

How do you keep him off the couch?

Well, he used to live in a stable but we took him out

'cause he's been depressed ever since the horse

he used to live with, Steven, died of colic

about a month ago.

So where are you gonna keep him?

That's where you come in, Carey.

We wanna buy your house.

Wha-my, my house isn't a barn.

It could be if we clean it up a little.

Alright, that's it, listen, my house isn't for sale.

Now get out of here.

You and the.. I've been waitin' my whole life to say this.

You and the horse you rode in on.

["Cleveland Rocks"]

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with the crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin goin' ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

Ohio!

["Wedding March"]

[applause]

(Amanda) Why don't we start here?

This is our premium wedding package.

Just picture yourself on the most

important day of your life.

(Kate) It sounds beautiful. We'll take everything.

(Oswald) Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hold the phone a minute.

This looks a little pricey.

How much did you say are the flowers?

(Amanda) Only three thousand dollars.

(Oswald) You know what, we can make tissue flowers. It'll be fun!

(Drew) Hey, who's gonna even notice the flowers

with us wearin' great-lookin' jackets. How much are they?

(Amanda) Those are the Prince Philip style morning coats.

They're in absolute steal, at $350 a piece.

- Hey, that's not bad. - To rent.

(Lewis) How much are these snappy blue tuxes?

(Amanda) About a 100 each.

(Kate) Oh my god, is this the price of the bridesmaid's dresses?

(Oswald) Okay, but we gotta have a good band. How much does that cost?

(Kate) Well, a string quartet is about a 1000 dollars for a night.

(Drew) You know, if we cut back on the suits

maybe we can afford a better band.

(Kate) I'm scared to even ask this but how much is the wedding dress?

(Amanda) Which one do you like?

(Kate) Well, this is the style I'm looking for.

(Amanda) Oh, that one's 2000 dollars.

- Kate? - But it's so beautiful.

(Oswald) We can't afford it.

It's so much money for a dress

you only gonna wear once, Katie bear.

(Kate) You're right.

(Amanda) Wait a second. I got an idea.

We'll cut back on beer.

I'm sure everybody will understand.

Who am I kidding? We need beer.

Well, isn't there anything we can afford?

Well, I understand

they have a lovely ceremony at Chuck E. Cheese.

Oh. That'd be romantic.

That's where we had our first date.

Oh, uh-huh.

Bye.

Look, when we decided to pay for the wedding ourselves

we knew there'd be some sacrifices.

How about we scale down the guest list to just

the dress and me?

Hey, you know, maybe you can have one of those weird weddings

where everything's free 'cause you're givin' publicity

to somethin'.

Hey, I read in the paper that the Cleveland Zoo

has a gorilla who's an ordained minister.

Oh!

Uh, just one problem.

After the ceremony he throws...

Well, let's just say it's not rice.

I don't believe it. This is it!

This is the exact dress.

What dress? Let me see.

It's the dress I always dreamed about since I was a kid.

It-it's the dress my Barbie wore.

Oh, I remember that dress.

You wanted to get it so you can get married

to one of the Banana Splits.

Congratulations. Your dream came true.

Well, that settles it.

If that's the dress my Katie bear wants

then we're going to "Eileen's Once A Year

Bridal Blow-Out Sale" to get it.

You comin', guys?

Better than that, we're gonna get there

first thing in the morning, so we're sure to get that dress.

(Oswald) 'Yeah.'

[clamor]

- Drew, did you find it? - No, not yet.

Lewis, did you find it?

I might have found it. Where's Kate?

Over there.

By that rack.

It's not your dress.

O'Brien, if there's no price

you gotta hit 'em in the kidneys.

Oh, that's very nice, Drew.

They say a blow-up doll is never more lovely

than on her wedding day.

I'm here to help Kate. What're you doing here?

They find another one you in Loch Ness.

I'm lookin' for a dress for a rock video I'm gonna be in.

Insane Clown Posse?

Yeah.

(Lewis) 'Kate! Kate!'

Is this the dress you want?

Okay, I'll show you one more time.

This is the dress.

These are the shoes.

How could you forget?

How many tea parties did you and I have with this doll?

Shh.

Oh, I'm standing here in a wedding dress.

You know, you can pull that off.

Hey, thanks, buddy.

I mean, you can pull it off right now.

You look like you're on the cover of Prison Bride.

Hey, you.

Out of that dress, now!

Usually a lady buys me a couple of drinks first.

Ow, ow, ow, okay.

It's not here. I'm never gonna find it.

You mean like the one your Barbie dolls wear?

- Yeah. - I've seen it.

It's over here.

Here comes the bride.

Here comes the bride!

Oh, my God. It's beautiful.

I can't believe nobody bought it yet.

It's a designer gown.

They don't put dresses like that on sale, Ellie Mae.

Oh, well, how much is it?

Oh, it's only uh...

...50, uh, 500, uh, 5000.. Oh.

Bye-bye, dress.

I'll miss you.

Hey, 5000 dollars.

I bet we could afford that if we...

...pulled our money together and bought a gun or robbed a bank.

You know what? I-I'm being silly.

Marrying you is what matters.

Not a dress.

I could be completely happy married to you naked.

- Hey. - No.

Jeez, is everybody in the world gettin' married?

Don't worry, Mimi, someday your prince will come.

Or somethin' named prince.

[door opens]

- Hey, Drew. - Hey, Lewis.

For God's sake, would you look at that?

Martha! Martha! Come in here. You gotta see this.

There's a pool table inside the house.

- Amazing, isn't it? - 'Huh.'

Next I'm thinking furniture that goes on the lawn.

I just don't know what to call it.

Okay, alright, so why isn't the pool table

in the backyard anymore?

So I could buy Kate... this.

Hey, that's the one she wan...

You spent 5000 dollars on a wedding dress?

Yep.

Horse's ass!

I thought I was doing something nice.

Oh, you mean the horse in my backyard.

What?

Oh, no. I was talkin' about you.

You're a horse's ass.

Hey, you didn't see Kate's face when she saw that dress.

You know, if her father was still around

he'd have found a way to buy it for her.

But... he's not, so I did.

So, where'd you get the money?

Neighbors gave me $5000 to put the horse up in my backyard.

What?

You sold your backyard so some big dumb animal

could stand out here all day and doing nothin'.

And look, he's in my spot.

Long-legged, swayback crap machine.

You're talking about the horse now, right?

Okay, sure.

♪ Some enchanted evening ♪

♪ You may see a stranger ♪

♪ You may see a stranger ♪

♪ Across a crowded room ♪

File this away for me, would you, Mimi?

Alright.

♪ Once you have found her never let her go ♪

♪ Once you have found her ♪

♪ Never let her go-oo-oo ♪

Ah, spring. When young man's fancy turns by stomach.

When was the last time you even saw a young man's fancy?

When's the last time you even saw your fancy?

Can't upset me, Mimi.

'Cause I just did the best thing

a friend can do for another friend.

You know that dress that Kate wanted for her wedding?

Well, I bought it for her, I'm gonna surprise her with it

tomorrow at the shower.

Wow. You doin' all these beautiful things for a woman

that you can never have?

You're the hunch-front to Notre Dame.

[intercom buzzes]

- Yes, sir. - 'Hold my calls, Mimi.'

'I'm going to run out and grab a sandwich.'

Yes, sir.

Great! Now I gotta go and get another sandwich.

Which means I have to flirt with the lunch lady

to get extra meat again.

Ass, get ready to shake.

You don't have to ask it, it just does it on its own.

Hey, Mimi, is Drew here?

I wanna show him this wedding dress

I just got downstairs.

No, he's...

Wait, you just got Kate a wedding dress?

Yeah, it's a surprise.

A hundred and forty-five dollars.

When you gonna give it to her?

At the shower.

Jeez!

Look, I gotta say something about that dress.

Oh, now, hold on one minute there.

I know it isn't your style.

It doesn't have any spangles or polka dots or cowbells

but, uh, you know, not everybody needs that much attention.

Well, thank you for your input.

What I was going to say is

don't show the dress to Drew now

show it to him at the shower.

Why?

Well, if you show it to him now

there would be one less "Oh!" and "Ah!"

You know, you're right.

You got a hard shell

but down deep you're just an old softy, aren't you?

Guilty as charged.

[both laughing]

- Lemme just ask you one favor. - What?

Please let me go to the shower.

Oh, well, you know, it's just gonna be friends and family

and Kate says you make her nervous.

- I'll bring a ham. - Alright.

See you there.

Dear Father, I hope you're sittin' down

'cause I got a shocker.

This is not a joke.

Please, just keep Drew alive for one more week

so that I can go to what should be one hell of a funny shower.

Oh, and as usual, thank you for the color peacock blue.

[bells clanging]

I don't know quite what this means, Mimi, but thank you.

Thank you so much.

You open this one, honey.

[Oswald gasps]

You do know the woman's supposed to wear that, right?

- It's my day, too. - Alright.

Oh! Well, this is from the Clemens.

It a gift certificate to a book store.

Thank you.

That's nice. Thanks. We'll use this.

- Actually, that's for Kate. - Oh.

But there's something in there for you too.

Oh, yeah?

It's a ball!

A red ball! Whoo!

Hurray!

Wanna get a picture this?

Oh, yeah. Smile, click.

Hey, hey, his eyes were closed. Take another.

I only got about 200 shots left.

I got a hunch, this party's gonna get way more interesting.

I lost the card on this one. So I'm not sure who it's from.

I thought it'd go great in that big empty spot over your bed.

Don't worry, honey

when he's not around we'll just turn it around.

Way ahead of you, buddy.

I have more of little pizzas, everybody.

Hey, Carey, how come you're not pushin' my ham?

I will, later. Don't ever use that expression to me again.

Let's get to the big gifts.

Oswald, Drew, don't you have somethin' for Kate?

Well, I guess, now's a good time as any.

Hello, everyone. How are you all?

I know I'm not invited, and I won't make a scene.

[gasps]

[laughing] Man, is he drunk? He's not gonna remember any of this.

Oh, yes, he will.

Mr. Wick, look, uh... I know how you feel about Kate and...

Even though you feel your love for her is eternal...

Hello, lovely. What Spice Girl might you be, huh?

Knock You Out Spice, if you touch me.

Oh, it's alright.

I'll just take him upstairs and get him undressed

and let him sleep it off.

Might have to get him a little tired first but--

Uh, sorry, Mimi

I don't need those kind of ghosts in my house.

Come on, Mr. Wick.

Okay, I have a special presentation.

To me, to my beloved Kate.

Now, I know it's not exactly what you wanted

but it's the best I could do and I, and I hope you like it.

[gasps]

Oh, honey.

I couldn't imagine anything more beautiful.

Okay, everybody, if I can have your attention.

I have a special presentation that I wanna make to my...

...best friend Kate.

Okay, uh, just to review...

Kate just said I can't imagine anything more beautiful.

Take it, Drew.

- Here you go. - What's this?

Oh, I, I hope it's a dream come true.

Can you just move to the left?

Get in the light, just get in the light!

Oh, this, this isn't fair. I should have gone last.

She used up all her excitement on my gift.

[gasps]

Oh my god. It's the dress.

You rat, you set me up by giving me the crappy dress first.

I love you both.

Why'd you get her the dress, Drew?

I-I didn't know--

You're always doing this to me.

Look this way.

[shutter clicks]

You did this on purpose to make me look like a fool.

No, Oswald, when I said crappy, I meant crepe.

Um, isn't that the way you pronounce this material?

Oh, she's all full of crepe. She knows what she meant.

Jeez, Drew, what the hell were you thinkin'?

I know what he was thinking and I wanna talk

to you about it, right now. Outside, let's go. Come on.

- Right now. - Hey.

- Come on, right now. - Oswald!

[grunting]

Just can't cover up, can you?

Oswald, it's just a dress.

I don't care. You're ruining the shower.

If you don't stop fighting I'm leaving.

He did it to make me look bad. He wants us to break up.

He always wanted us to break up.

He said we were wrong for each other.

- What? - Thanks a lot, pal.

I thought that's between you and me.

Kate, wait!

Whoa, whoa whoa whoa.

What? She's my fiancée. I should talk to her.

Hold on there, buddy. Think about this for a minute, okay?

Kate's angry, alright?

You really wanna be the first one in that door?

Let her slap Drew around for a while, huh?

Then when she's done with the heavy bag

get a little arm weary, you go in.

Thanks for remindin' me what a best friend's all about, buddy.

I just have one question though.

Why didn't you break up the fight?

It's been brewing for 30 years. There's nothing I can do.

Hmm. Scared of the horses, huh?

They got metal feet and big, long faces.

I don't believe you.

Why didn't you tell me you didn't think Oswald and I

were not right for each other?

What do you care what I think? Ouch!

Where's the waffle-maker? Where's the waffle-maker?

I didn't, ah, I didn't want you to get angry.

Aren't you tired of being categorized

in such an unflattering light all the ti-- Ouch, oh, ouch!

Hey, why are you mad at me?

I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at me.

I don't wanna get married.

The bride?

I want to thank you for the most intense five minutes of my life.

Blindfolding me.

As if it weren't dark enough.

Have you no shame?

What's he talking about?

Great shower, everybody.

Well, goodnight.

So, you sayin', not one person is gonna say anything?

Yep, not one.

Yow know what, instead of fifty bucks let's put a hundred on this.

Oh, you're on.

Morning, pig.

Jeez, can you lose a little weight?

I mean, I know I make fun, but it's gettin' out of hand.

[sniffs] Wait a minute.

You smell better.

You know, I can't believe.

Not a single person knows the difference

between Carey and a horse.

Hey, you wanna try it with a big rock?

- What? - Double or nothin'.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ This nobody can't deny ♪

[chuckles]