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1
00:00:04,379 --> 00:00:07,131
Don't move, Drew. You got a bug
on the back of your head.
2
00:00:07,131 --> 00:00:09,175
Ow!
3
00:00:09,175 --> 00:00:11,469
Oh, sorry, what I meant was
the back of his head bugged me.
4
00:00:11,469 --> 00:00:12,470
[laughs]
5
00:00:13,971 --> 00:00:16,307
[phone ringing]
6
00:00:16,307 --> 00:00:18,017
Hello?
7
00:00:18,017 --> 00:00:20,478
Oh, Mrs. Louder.
8
00:00:20,478 --> 00:00:21,896
'Yes.'
9
00:00:21,896 --> 00:00:24,440
Oh, an important promotion.
10
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:26,359
Oh, thank God.
I wasn't gonna tell you this.
11
00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:30,446
But I'm so far in debt, I was
thinking of hanging myself.
12
00:00:30,446 --> 00:00:32,573
Oh, you want to talk to Carey?
13
00:00:32,573 --> 00:00:33,616
'Here.'
14
00:00:34,533 --> 00:00:36,035
Yes, ma'am.
15
00:00:36,035 --> 00:00:38,912
'Carey, the corporate
big leagues in Amsterdam'
16
00:00:38,912 --> 00:00:41,499
have decided to open
Winfred-Lauder stores
17
00:00:41,499 --> 00:00:43,960
in Europe and the Far East.
18
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:47,547
And we think you're the man
to oversee staffing.
19
00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:49,424
Wow! Hey, that's great.
20
00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,259
And you know it makes sense
though, because, uh, uh...
21
00:00:51,259 --> 00:00:53,761
...my people skill transcend
language barriers and I'm
22
00:00:53,761 --> 00:00:56,764
all up-to-date on the concept
of multinational diversity.
23
00:00:56,764 --> 00:00:59,267
Yeah, that's it.
24
00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:00,643
You know, I'm glad you said that
25
00:01:00,643 --> 00:01:02,562
because there some people
around here
26
00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:04,814
that think all the decisions
are made at random.
27
00:01:04,814 --> 00:01:07,400
[laughs]
Don't be ridiculous.
28
00:01:09,068 --> 00:01:10,903
Now, if you're serious
about this promotion
29
00:01:10,903 --> 00:01:13,364
get up here right away
before I change my mind.
30
00:01:13,364 --> 00:01:14,782
I'm on my way.
31
00:01:14,782 --> 00:01:16,367
Ha-ha, I got a promotion.
32
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:18,411
I finally got a promotion.
33
00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:19,495
Hey, let me out of here.
34
00:01:19,495 --> 00:01:21,288
Hit the unlock, pig.
35
00:01:21,288 --> 00:01:22,707
What the hell?
This is stuck too.
36
00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:24,625
Of course, they are.
You know why?
37
00:01:24,625 --> 00:01:26,377
If you're going to hire a
paperboy to do your electrical
38
00:01:26,377 --> 00:01:28,713
system, you get what
you paid for, that's why.
39
00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:30,256
Yeah... your window's open.
40
00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:31,840
Here, use the key and
unlock the door from over there.
41
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,677
Okay.
42
00:01:34,677 --> 00:01:35,678
Almost got it.
43
00:01:37,054 --> 00:01:39,014
[keys clanking]
44
00:01:39,014 --> 00:01:40,599
Can you climb out?
45
00:01:40,599 --> 00:01:41,851
Do you mind?
I'm wearing a short skirt.
46
00:01:41,851 --> 00:01:43,477
Oh, well, this is an emergency.
47
00:01:43,477 --> 00:01:45,396
- I'll give you a hand.
- No, no, no. I'll get it.
48
00:01:45,396 --> 00:01:48,900
I've seen my dates do
this a thousand times.
49
00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:53,279
Oh, cripes!
The air bag exploded.
50
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,573
- 'Do we call Mrs. Louder?'
- No.
51
00:01:55,573 --> 00:01:56,949
Like she's gonna
send me overseas
52
00:01:56,949 --> 00:01:58,701
if I can't even
get out of my own car.
53
00:02:04,957 --> 00:02:06,459
Hey, hey, hey.
You call that a parking job?
54
00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:07,752
Straighten that thing out.
55
00:02:07,752 --> 00:02:08,919
You know, I'm kind
of in a hurry right now.
56
00:02:08,919 --> 00:02:10,546
- I'll get it later...
- Hey!
57
00:02:10,546 --> 00:02:12,549
You got a problem with
authority. Don't you buddy?
58
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,174
Listen... you're a parking
attendant.
59
00:02:14,174 --> 00:02:16,677
What can you do?
Make my car stay after work?
60
00:02:16,677 --> 00:02:18,095
No.
61
00:02:18,095 --> 00:02:19,764
[Drew exclaiming]
62
00:02:19,764 --> 00:02:22,142
Just not gonna tell you to watch
out for that oil slick.
63
00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:28,815
♪ Ahh Ahh Ahh ♪
64
00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:33,569
♪ All this energy callin' me ♪
65
00:02:33,569 --> 00:02:36,656
♪ Back where it comes from ♪
66
00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:39,659
♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪
67
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:42,786
♪ It's back where it belongs ♪
68
00:02:42,786 --> 00:02:45,456
♪ All the little chicks with
their crimson lips ♪
69
00:02:45,456 --> 00:02:47,625
♪ Go Cleveland rocks ♪
70
00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:49,127
♪ Cleveland rocks ♪
71
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:51,963
♪ Livin' in sin
with a safety pin ♪
72
00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:54,173
♪ Go Cleveland rocks ♪
73
00:02:54,173 --> 00:02:58,553
♪ Cleveland rocks ♪
74
00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:00,638
Ohio!
75
00:03:02,932 --> 00:03:04,058
[instrumental music]
76
00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:07,687
What? Do you want me
to call Mrs. Louder now?
77
00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:09,271
No. Let them wait for a change.
78
00:03:09,271 --> 00:03:10,606
They need me.
79
00:03:10,606 --> 00:03:12,107
Besides, what good
does rushing do you?
80
00:03:12,107 --> 00:03:13,567
It's like showing up
early for a date.
81
00:03:13,567 --> 00:03:14,569
You're standing there,
the window's open
82
00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:16,154
and you hear her mother yapping.
83
00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:18,280
Oh, I don't want you going out
with him. He's a loser.
84
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:21,117
Oh, my God.
He's hiding in the bushes.
85
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:23,453
Well, I think this promotion
is gonna change your life.
86
00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:25,204
You're gonna be
the loser anymore.
87
00:03:25,204 --> 00:03:27,790
You're gonna be the successful
guy hiding in the bushes.
88
00:03:31,043 --> 00:03:32,045
Oh, hey!
Can I get a hand from you?
89
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,630
I need a shirt and jacket, here.
90
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:36,132
Mr. Carey. You hired me
yesterday and you're testing me.
91
00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:37,425
Aren't you?
92
00:03:37,425 --> 00:03:38,927
No. Oh, listen,
this isn't a test.
93
00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:40,677
[chuckles]
Relax. Calm down.
94
00:03:40,677 --> 00:03:43,097
All you got to do is, uh,
just bring these up and, uh...
95
00:03:43,097 --> 00:03:44,890
I'll be on my way.
No pressure.
96
00:03:44,890 --> 00:03:46,809
Or else I failed
the test and I'm fired.
97
00:03:46,809 --> 00:03:48,978
I hear you.
98
00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:50,771
I should just, uh, warn you that
99
00:03:50,771 --> 00:03:53,357
I don't respond well...
100
00:03:53,357 --> 00:03:54,441
...to...
101
00:03:54,441 --> 00:03:57,319
[groaning]
102
00:03:57,319 --> 00:03:58,571
[screaming]
103
00:04:01,740 --> 00:04:03,201
It's okay,
I'm wearing a T-shirt.
104
00:04:06,745 --> 00:04:09,456
I want my free umbrella, now!
105
00:04:09,456 --> 00:04:11,083
Um, sorry, sir.
106
00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:12,626
You only get
the umbrella when you buy
107
00:04:12,626 --> 00:04:14,587
the cologne,
not the aftershave.
108
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:16,171
Never mind, I'll get it myself.
109
00:04:16,171 --> 00:04:17,799
Security!
Help!
110
00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:19,591
You want umbrella for free?
111
00:04:19,591 --> 00:04:20,718
Bend over!
112
00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:23,930
Hey, hey, hey.
113
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:26,765
Wow, you're... a lot bigger
than you look across the room.
114
00:04:26,765 --> 00:04:28,976
Stay out of this, little man.
115
00:04:28,976 --> 00:04:31,020
Yeah, well,
first of all... thank you.
116
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:34,356
And second of all,
let's all just calm down
117
00:04:34,356 --> 00:04:36,734
take a deep breath and
realize that Kate's already
118
00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:38,528
involved in three store
law suits.
119
00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:40,905
Tell me something.
120
00:04:40,905 --> 00:04:43,574
Do you ever have
a right time of the month?
121
00:04:43,574 --> 00:04:46,118
That's it. It's go time.
122
00:04:46,118 --> 00:04:47,161
Hey, hey, hey.
123
00:04:47,161 --> 00:04:50,039
Alright, buddy, calm down.
124
00:04:50,039 --> 00:04:51,916
Hey! I just paid for this.
125
00:04:53,834 --> 00:04:54,794
There.
126
00:04:59,548 --> 00:05:02,218
Drew, that was so brave.
127
00:05:02,218 --> 00:05:03,719
The way you've ripped
that guy's shirt
128
00:05:03,719 --> 00:05:05,513
while he was holding
his arms.
129
00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:09,516
I kept my eyes open
and everything.
130
00:05:09,516 --> 00:05:10,852
[chuckles]
131
00:05:14,021 --> 00:05:16,148
Mr. Carey, I'm really sorry.
132
00:05:16,148 --> 00:05:18,400
Let's just pretend
that didn't happen.
133
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:19,777
So, I will run
your charge card through
134
00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:21,153
and you'll be on you way.
135
00:05:21,153 --> 00:05:22,446
Okay. Add another
shirt to that, okay.
136
00:05:22,446 --> 00:05:23,781
Right.
137
00:05:24,532 --> 00:05:25,491
Alright.
138
00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:30,121
Uh-oh.
139
00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:31,622
What? What "Uh-oh?"
140
00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:35,167
Uh, I just over charged
you a little for the shirt.
141
00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:36,878
$3000.
142
00:05:38,379 --> 00:05:40,881
Look, just, uh, void it.
Run it back through.
143
00:05:40,881 --> 00:05:43,008
I-I don't know how to void it.
144
00:05:43,008 --> 00:05:45,719
Look, um... why don't you just
pay your bill when you get it?
145
00:05:45,719 --> 00:05:48,055
And then they'll reimburse
you in a couple of weeks.
146
00:05:48,055 --> 00:05:49,640
Six months tops.
147
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,350
S-six months, are you crazy?
148
00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:54,061
Stop yelling at me.
149
00:05:54,061 --> 00:05:56,105
[groaning]
150
00:05:56,105 --> 00:05:57,106
[screaming]
151
00:06:00,776 --> 00:06:02,987
(Mrs. Louder over PA)
'Attention, Drew Carey.'
152
00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:06,073
'We're still waiting
for you in the boardroom.'
153
00:06:06,073 --> 00:06:07,866
Ah, hold you horses, will you?
154
00:06:07,866 --> 00:06:08,910
Holy crap!
155
00:06:10,494 --> 00:06:11,620
Gang way, gang way.
156
00:06:11,620 --> 00:06:12,747
Hold the elevator.
157
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:16,667
Show with the board
again, huh, Carey?
158
00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:18,753
No. As a matter of fact, I'm,
uh, getting a promotion today.
159
00:06:18,753 --> 00:06:20,004
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
160
00:06:20,004 --> 00:06:21,005
Well, that's great, man.
It's high time.
161
00:06:21,005 --> 00:06:22,715
You deserved it.
162
00:06:22,715 --> 00:06:24,508
Yeah, but I don't... I don't
wanna talk about it, okay.
163
00:06:24,508 --> 00:06:26,302
- Don't wanna jinx it.
- Hey, they're calling you up.
164
00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:27,845
There's no way you can lose now.
165
00:06:27,845 --> 00:06:30,264
Nothing but blue skies ahead.
166
00:06:30,264 --> 00:06:32,433
Not even the Gods above
with their so called...
167
00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:35,227
...powers can you know...
168
00:06:35,227 --> 00:06:37,230
[thudding]
169
00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:42,568
You happy?
170
00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:46,155
You think I wanted
this to happen?
171
00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:47,740
I was on my way to bathroom.
172
00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:50,243
I drained this triple Grande
latte about 20 minutes ago.
173
00:06:51,952 --> 00:06:53,829
Hello? Oh, yeah,
thank God you're there.
174
00:06:53,829 --> 00:06:56,207
Uh, yeah, we're-we're trapped
in the elevator.
175
00:06:56,207 --> 00:06:58,334
What?
An hour to two hours.
176
00:06:58,334 --> 00:07:00,169
Hey, listen, I-I have
to get to the boardroom.
177
00:07:00,169 --> 00:07:01,837
- I need you to help me.
- Easy, Carey.
178
00:07:01,837 --> 00:07:03,422
Let me handle this.
179
00:07:03,422 --> 00:07:04,923
Look, pinhead,
put the sandwich down
180
00:07:04,923 --> 00:07:06,216
turn off the Jerry Springer
181
00:07:06,216 --> 00:07:09,303
and get your overpaid
lazy butt up...
182
00:07:09,303 --> 00:07:11,138
He hung up.
183
00:07:11,138 --> 00:07:12,639
Yeah, sure, great.
184
00:07:12,639 --> 00:07:14,267
Hey, now, let's find the guy
that cuts our paychecks
185
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,726
and go make fun of his religion.
186
00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:29,198
I have more bad news, Carey.
187
00:07:29,198 --> 00:07:31,742
I'm not dancing
'cause I'm happy.
188
00:07:31,742 --> 00:07:33,744
[sighs]
189
00:07:33,744 --> 00:07:36,955
I might back it up,
so I could enjoy the view.
190
00:07:36,955 --> 00:07:38,582
Man, I hate
this feeling, it's like...
191
00:07:38,582 --> 00:07:40,125
The pressure is building,
I can feel it.
192
00:07:40,125 --> 00:07:42,086
And it's gonna burst
out of my body.
193
00:07:42,086 --> 00:07:43,963
I feel my bladder
getting bigger.
194
00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:46,424
- Pushing and pushing--
- Just stop it!
195
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:50,219
We had a long drive in.
196
00:07:50,219 --> 00:07:51,929
Hey, man, we can't wait
two hours. Okay?
197
00:07:51,929 --> 00:07:53,514
We got to do it right here.
198
00:07:53,514 --> 00:07:55,098
We're trapped in the elevator,
people will understand.
199
00:07:55,098 --> 00:07:56,475
No, no. We can wait.
200
00:07:56,475 --> 00:07:57,685
We can wait.
201
00:08:04,357 --> 00:08:06,026
- How long it it been?
- Not two hours.
202
00:08:06,026 --> 00:08:07,653
- Give me the cup.
- No, it's my cup.
203
00:08:07,653 --> 00:08:09,864
- Give me your shoe.
- Use your own shoe.
204
00:08:11,156 --> 00:08:12,074
- I'll sell you the cup.
- 10 bucks.
205
00:08:12,074 --> 00:08:13,117
15.
206
00:08:16,328 --> 00:08:19,790
Hey, look there,
we're on camera.
207
00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:22,919
Don't worry about it.
That's how we do it on the bus.
208
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:24,670
[elevator bell dings]
209
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:30,801
Ah, geez!
210
00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:33,679
Well, the big surprise is,
he does it standing up.
211
00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,974
Make a hole. Hot soup!
212
00:08:36,974 --> 00:08:38,017
[instrumental music]
213
00:08:43,230 --> 00:08:46,275
Boy, when you hold it that long,
it's almost as good as sex.
214
00:08:48,318 --> 00:08:51,322
Thanks for ruining the two
things I enjoy most.
215
00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:52,573
Hey, Drew,
been looking for you.
216
00:08:52,573 --> 00:08:54,074
- Hey, man.
- Hey!
217
00:08:54,074 --> 00:08:55,493
I don't have time
to talk now, but big party
218
00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:56,952
my house later
to celebrate my promotion.
219
00:08:56,952 --> 00:08:57,954
- No, no, no.
- No, no, wait wait, wait.
220
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,121
I got to talk to you now.
221
00:08:59,121 --> 00:09:00,831
Look, I just had
a recovered memory
222
00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:02,333
and you're the only one
that can tell me if it's true.
223
00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:04,168
Well, can-can it wait?
224
00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:08,505
No, no. Drew, if the memory is
true, my entire life is a lie.
225
00:09:08,505 --> 00:09:10,132
Well, a lie's better than what
you've got. Go with the lie.
226
00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:11,133
- Oh.
- Hey, hey, Drew.
227
00:09:11,133 --> 00:09:12,926
Drew. Come on, now.
228
00:09:12,926 --> 00:09:14,845
We're all making
sacrifices here.
229
00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,972
Lewis risked his job by being
here and I'm supposed
230
00:09:16,972 --> 00:09:20,059
to be parked behind the Walmart,
napping right now.
231
00:09:20,059 --> 00:09:21,518
Alright, let's hurry up.
232
00:09:21,518 --> 00:09:22,562
Okay.
233
00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:26,983
[exhales]
234
00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:29,276
Okay.
235
00:09:29,276 --> 00:09:30,778
We're little kids.
236
00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:32,196
We're in my basement.
237
00:09:32,196 --> 00:09:34,406
And we're playing Kerplunk.
238
00:09:34,406 --> 00:09:37,451
I've beaten you
four out of six games.
239
00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:39,787
No, five out of six games.
240
00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:41,830
- Okay, you won the first game--
- Okay, yes, I remember.
241
00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:43,207
Oh. It was horrible.
242
00:09:43,207 --> 00:09:44,500
And then we survived it.
243
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:45,960
We must never speak
of this again.
244
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,254
- No, no, no.
- Drew, Drew, Drew.
245
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,088
Anyway, my mother
comes downstairs
246
00:09:50,088 --> 00:09:52,090
and she calls me Aaron.
247
00:09:52,090 --> 00:09:53,259
Why Aaron?
248
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,552
Okay, my thinking is...
249
00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:56,345
...is that I used
to have a twin.
250
00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:58,472
- His name was Lewis.
- Okay.
251
00:09:58,472 --> 00:10:00,641
Times were tough,
they need the money.
252
00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:03,310
So, they sell him
to a barren Norwegian couple.
253
00:10:03,310 --> 00:10:04,436
Why?
254
00:10:04,436 --> 00:10:07,439
Tall, fair and lanky. Huh?
255
00:10:07,439 --> 00:10:10,442
Now, the rest of the story
is just speculation.
256
00:10:10,442 --> 00:10:13,362
Now, to cover their tracks
257
00:10:13,362 --> 00:10:15,697
they named me Lewis.
258
00:10:15,697 --> 00:10:18,283
And since I was six,
I was forced to live the life
259
00:10:18,283 --> 00:10:20,869
he would have lived instead of
the life I should have lived
260
00:10:20,869 --> 00:10:23,872
which was that of a dashing
body building scientist.
261
00:10:23,872 --> 00:10:25,457
Now, Drew...
262
00:10:25,457 --> 00:10:27,876
...you hold the key.
263
00:10:27,876 --> 00:10:29,336
Look, you're name
is not Aaron. Okay?
264
00:10:29,336 --> 00:10:30,796
I-it's Lewis.
265
00:10:30,796 --> 00:10:32,839
U-uh, there never was...
you never were a twin.
266
00:10:32,839 --> 00:10:34,132
It never happened.
267
00:10:34,132 --> 00:10:35,134
Oh. Okay.
268
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:36,385
You're probably right.
269
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:37,553
He's in on the cover up.
270
00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:40,597
The government must have
got to him.
271
00:10:40,597 --> 00:10:42,516
So, he's a robot, too.
272
00:10:42,516 --> 00:10:43,767
We'll conduct tests
when he's sleeping.
273
00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:44,976
Right.
274
00:10:44,976 --> 00:10:46,103
Bye, Drew.
275
00:10:51,107 --> 00:10:52,026
Hey, hey, what are you doing?
276
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,444
Hey, get that out of here.
277
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:55,196
No way man. We just hold
this down four flights.
278
00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:56,614
We're taking a break.
279
00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,407
What for? Listen, the elevator
is broken.
280
00:10:58,407 --> 00:11:00,618
U-uh, I-I just... I got a real
important meeting to get to.
281
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:02,411
Oh, man, I-I'm sorry.
282
00:11:02,411 --> 00:11:04,872
You know, I got a real important
meeting to get to, too.
283
00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:06,998
Uh, see my backs
gotta meet these wall
284
00:11:06,998 --> 00:11:09,585
while I enjoy a cool
mentholated smoke.
285
00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:13,172
(Mrs. Louder on PA)
'Attention Drew Carey.'
286
00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:16,050
'The promotion train
is leaving in ten minutes'
287
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:17,843
'with or without you.'
288
00:11:17,843 --> 00:11:20,846
'You have ten minutes.
That is all.'
289
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:25,559
[sighs]
You know, uh... one of my heroes
290
00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:28,062
Henry Clay,
the great compromiser
291
00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:30,648
he would sit here and try
to reason this out with you.
292
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:33,817
My other hero,
Godzilla... do this.
293
00:11:33,817 --> 00:11:35,569
Ahh!
294
00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:44,370
[instrumental music]
295
00:11:48,915 --> 00:11:50,458
(Mrs. Louder on PA)
'Carey, you have seven minutes
to get up here.'
296
00:11:50,458 --> 00:11:52,711
'That's the skinny number
between six and eight.'
297
00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:54,504
Drew, got a minute?
298
00:11:54,504 --> 00:11:56,215
Oh, yeah.
299
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:57,550
I forgot to ask you out
so you can turn me down today.
300
00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:00,302
Wanna go out?
No. Okay, bye.
301
00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:02,221
Actually, I might.
302
00:12:03,430 --> 00:12:05,474
Oh, man. Today?
303
00:12:07,434 --> 00:12:09,186
- Are you serious?
- Yeah, yeah.
304
00:12:09,186 --> 00:12:11,105
I just broke up
with my boyfriend and...
305
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:12,648
...kind of lonely.
306
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:16,985
[chuckles]
I'm back.
307
00:12:16,985 --> 00:12:18,070
Uh, but I gotta go.
308
00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:19,280
But, uh, I'm here for ya.
309
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:20,406
But I don't have a lot of time.
310
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:21,573
I wanna go out with you.
311
00:12:21,573 --> 00:12:22,699
Can-can I call you later?
312
00:12:22,699 --> 00:12:24,743
Hmh, no, I'm going home early.
313
00:12:24,743 --> 00:12:27,204
I just wanna crawl in bed with
a good book or something.
314
00:12:28,580 --> 00:12:30,332
Do you wanna come home with me?
315
00:12:30,332 --> 00:12:32,918
Yes. Yes. Yes.
316
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:35,546
[crying]
But I can't.
317
00:12:37,505 --> 00:12:38,590
Are you crying?
318
00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:40,593
A little bit.
319
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:43,345
When did men become women?
320
00:12:43,345 --> 00:12:45,139
'72, David Bowie
321
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:47,891
Ziggy Stardust,
that's when, baby.
322
00:12:47,891 --> 00:12:50,018
[instrumental music]
323
00:12:50,018 --> 00:12:51,770
(Mrs. Louder on PA)
'Mr. Carey,
you've got five minutes'
324
00:12:51,770 --> 00:12:53,606
'to get your butt up here.'
325
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:56,358
'Did you hear me? Five minutes.'
326
00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:59,779
'The rest of you,
please enjoy your shopping.'
327
00:13:01,279 --> 00:13:03,907
Crikes, Drew, what's taking
you so long?
328
00:13:03,907 --> 00:13:05,659
Men's room get
stuck between floors?
329
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:08,203
'Oh, look at you.'
330
00:13:08,203 --> 00:13:10,331
You could bathe
in a big pool of luck
331
00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:12,624
and it would do you no good.
332
00:13:12,624 --> 00:13:14,376
Hey, thanks for the pep talk,
Eraserhead.
333
00:13:16,503 --> 00:13:18,171
You know, you wanna
do yourself a favor?
334
00:13:18,171 --> 00:13:20,007
Go to the top drawer and start
filling up the paper work.
335
00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:21,383
So, you can take over
my cubical after I leave.
336
00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:23,385
You don't have to tell me twice.
337
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:25,638
[hissing]
338
00:13:28,306 --> 00:13:29,391
Crap!
339
00:13:33,437 --> 00:13:35,856
Nobody look at me!
340
00:13:35,856 --> 00:13:37,024
Carey, don't move.
341
00:13:37,024 --> 00:13:38,359
Oh, you look a fright.
342
00:13:40,444 --> 00:13:42,821
You went one hoof
over the line, pig!
343
00:13:42,821 --> 00:13:44,615
You're paying for this!
344
00:13:46,658 --> 00:13:48,285
Hey, lady,
you forgot your monkey.
345
00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:49,286
[laughs]
346
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:52,623
Hey, uh, Mr. Wick, can it wait?
347
00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,249
I have to see Mrs. Louder.
348
00:13:54,249 --> 00:13:56,710
Who are we fooling, Carey?
You don't want this job.
349
00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:58,462
What-what are you talking about?
350
00:13:58,462 --> 00:14:00,506
Fear of success, Carey.
351
00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:02,675
Although statistically speaking,
you should be more frightened
352
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,467
of dinosaurs coming back
to eat you.
353
00:14:04,467 --> 00:14:05,927
[laughs]
354
00:14:05,927 --> 00:14:06,970
Listen, I'm not afraid
of success. Alright?
355
00:14:06,970 --> 00:14:08,430
Success is afraid of me.
356
00:14:08,430 --> 00:14:11,099
Oh, really?
357
00:14:11,099 --> 00:14:13,685
I think you're afraid that
when you finally achieve success
358
00:14:13,685 --> 00:14:15,186
you won't be happy.
359
00:14:15,186 --> 00:14:17,606
And then all those years
of scratching and clawing
360
00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:19,441
will have been for nought.
361
00:14:19,441 --> 00:14:21,610
You're crazy.
362
00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:24,655
It takes two minutes to get from
the garage to the boardroom.
363
00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:27,574
It's been 15 minutes
and you're still not there.
364
00:14:27,574 --> 00:14:28,992
Yeah, but I had, I had to stop.
365
00:14:28,992 --> 00:14:30,494
I had reasons.
I had to help people.
366
00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:32,496
- I had--
- Had to.
367
00:14:32,496 --> 00:14:34,831
Everything's a choice, Carey.
368
00:14:34,831 --> 00:14:36,083
Think about it.
369
00:14:41,296 --> 00:14:44,883
He's here. Mr. Carey is back
from the mysterious East.
370
00:14:44,883 --> 00:14:47,636
[instrumental music]
371
00:14:57,312 --> 00:14:59,231
Congratulations, Drew.
372
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:02,693
You succeeded beyond
our wildest dreams.
373
00:15:02,693 --> 00:15:04,903
How did you find the Far East?
374
00:15:04,903 --> 00:15:06,571
Well, I went far
than I turned East.
375
00:15:06,571 --> 00:15:09,449
[laughing]
376
00:15:09,449 --> 00:15:10,743
Ah, but seriously.
377
00:15:12,494 --> 00:15:14,663
Mrs. Louder, I've brought
you strange and wonderful
378
00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:16,706
things from far away places.
379
00:15:16,706 --> 00:15:19,209
This lustrous fabric
is made by worms.
380
00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:20,252
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
381
00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:21,754
I call it "Silk."
382
00:15:28,552 --> 00:15:30,637
And I found eternal happiness
383
00:15:30,637 --> 00:15:32,472
with my new wife, Pamela Lee.
384
00:15:32,472 --> 00:15:34,558
(all)
Ooh.
385
00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:36,267
Drew, thanks to you
386
00:15:36,267 --> 00:15:39,980
Winfred-Lauder is having
the best year ever.
387
00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:42,107
And we would like
to offer this to you
388
00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:44,777
as a little token
of our appreciation.
389
00:15:45,735 --> 00:15:47,070
Wow!
390
00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:49,823
Hey, I'm gonna give this money
back to Cleveland.
391
00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:51,199
I'm buying the Browns.
392
00:15:51,199 --> 00:15:53,619
(all)
Hail!
393
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:54,619
And I'm gonna
be the quarterback.
394
00:15:54,619 --> 00:15:55,788
(all)
Oh.
395
00:15:58,457 --> 00:15:59,791
Alright,
I'll-I'll just buy 'em.
396
00:15:59,791 --> 00:16:01,794
[all cheering]
397
00:16:04,087 --> 00:16:05,381
I'm not afraid of success.
398
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,174
I'd love it.
399
00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:08,925
Oh, did I say
you were afraid of success?
400
00:16:08,925 --> 00:16:11,720
I'm sorry, I meant to say
I'm afraid of your success.
401
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,514
That's why I made
you waste another
402
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:14,890
two minutes of your time.
403
00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:16,433
[laughing deviously]
404
00:16:18,518 --> 00:16:19,937
[instrumental music]
405
00:16:22,230 --> 00:16:23,690
Out of my way, Mimi.
406
00:16:23,690 --> 00:16:25,150
Mrs. Louder is waiting
for me in there.
407
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:27,110
I don't think so, pig.
408
00:16:27,110 --> 00:16:29,696
You made me look bad
in front of Mr. Wick.
409
00:16:29,696 --> 00:16:32,949
I think you're confusing
me with your face.
410
00:16:32,949 --> 00:16:36,619
Oh, my... the lock is jammed.
411
00:16:36,619 --> 00:16:38,205
Listen, I'm going
in that boardroom.
412
00:16:38,205 --> 00:16:39,664
Now, you can either
be a part of the solution
413
00:16:39,664 --> 00:16:41,249
or part of the door frame.
414
00:16:41,249 --> 00:16:43,669
Choose.
415
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:46,421
(Mrs. Louder)
'Carey has 52 more seconds.
Will he make it?'
416
00:16:46,421 --> 00:16:48,131
51.
417
00:16:48,131 --> 00:16:49,549
50.
418
00:16:49,549 --> 00:16:51,259
49.
419
00:16:51,259 --> 00:16:53,177
48.
420
00:16:53,177 --> 00:16:55,430
Forty... Oh, you know what,
I'm tired of this whole thing.
421
00:16:55,430 --> 00:16:57,474
Who want's the job?
422
00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:58,808
It's yours.
423
00:16:58,808 --> 00:17:00,018
[Mimi screaming]
424
00:17:00,018 --> 00:17:01,603
Oh, I made it.
425
00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:03,855
I made it. I made it
with 15 seconds to spare.
426
00:17:03,855 --> 00:17:07,734
Whoo! Oh, you're not supposed to
feel your heart jiggle, are you?
427
00:17:07,734 --> 00:17:10,070
I'm sorry, Carey,
I gave the job away.
428
00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:11,864
I'm not as patient woman
as I used to be.
429
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:13,866
Better luck next time.
430
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:15,868
[laughs]
Wait-wait a second.
431
00:17:17,577 --> 00:17:19,704
Wait a second, you told me
432
00:17:19,704 --> 00:17:21,998
that if I got here
in ten minutes, I'd get the job.
433
00:17:21,998 --> 00:17:24,459
I got here in nine minutes
and 45 seconds.
434
00:17:24,459 --> 00:17:25,460
And I got to tell you, I don't
like the look of that
435
00:17:25,460 --> 00:17:27,504
bingo wheel either.
436
00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:31,591
Nine minutes 45 seconds, ten
minutes. What's the difference?
437
00:17:31,591 --> 00:17:33,343
I've got plastic hips
and I could have
438
00:17:33,343 --> 00:17:35,637
made it faster than that.
439
00:17:35,637 --> 00:17:37,973
Yeah, but I made it, see.
440
00:17:37,973 --> 00:17:39,224
Now, you've been promising me
stuff and pulling
441
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:40,809
the rug up from
underneath for 12 years.
442
00:17:40,809 --> 00:17:43,520
Now, I deserved that promotion
and I want it now.
443
00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:45,981
No.
444
00:17:47,982 --> 00:17:51,904
Look, uh, I don't know how you
behaved before the earth cooled.
445
00:17:56,741 --> 00:17:59,869
But I busted my butt
to get up here.
446
00:17:59,869 --> 00:18:03,248
I-I almost urinated
on an elevator.
447
00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:05,917
I passed up a chance to have
sex to get up here on time.
448
00:18:05,917 --> 00:18:07,920
I hope those are unrelated.
449
00:18:10,505 --> 00:18:12,799
T-that's not the point.
450
00:18:12,799 --> 00:18:14,676
You know-you know
what the point is?
451
00:18:14,676 --> 00:18:16,594
The point is, I quit.
452
00:18:16,594 --> 00:18:17,929
That's right, I...
453
00:18:17,929 --> 00:18:19,097
I don't have to dig
ditches and work
454
00:18:19,097 --> 00:18:20,307
somewhere where I'm not
appreciated.
455
00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:22,601
And you. And you. And you.
456
00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:23,810
You can all, you can all
just go to hell.
457
00:18:23,810 --> 00:18:26,104
Wow, you have a pair, after all.
458
00:18:26,104 --> 00:18:28,065
They must have dropped
when you hit the door.
459
00:18:30,900 --> 00:18:32,945
Alright, you got the promotion.
460
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,988
The job starts in September.
461
00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:37,490
There's a ten percent raise
and there's a title, too.
462
00:18:37,490 --> 00:18:38,867
What are you now?
463
00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:41,953
I'm, uh, the Assistant Director
of Personnel.
464
00:18:41,953 --> 00:18:45,666
Then you're the International
Assistant Director of Personnel.
465
00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:48,585
Thank you.
466
00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:50,295
Thank you, and you,
you won't regret it.
467
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:52,005
Now, if you want
this to be a done deal
468
00:18:52,005 --> 00:18:53,840
there's just one
more simple thing.
469
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:57,010
Go downstairs, get the forms
470
00:18:57,010 --> 00:19:00,139
and be back her in...
ten minutes.
471
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,644
Yeah, but I...
472
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:07,396
[instrumental music]
473
00:19:11,649 --> 00:19:12,567
[whispering]
Okay, ready.
474
00:19:12,567 --> 00:19:14,443
One, two, three.
475
00:19:14,443 --> 00:19:21,076
♪ Drew was finally promoted ♪
476
00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:26,873
♪ And nobody had to die ♪
477
00:19:26,873 --> 00:19:28,207
Alright, alright, alright.
478
00:19:28,207 --> 00:19:30,418
Stopped being sweet
about half-way through.
479
00:19:30,418 --> 00:19:32,087
Alright, in honor
of your promotion
480
00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:34,255
we went back and found
some of the party decorations
481
00:19:34,255 --> 00:19:35,549
from the first time
we thought you're gonna
482
00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:37,050
climb the corporate ladder.
483
00:19:37,050 --> 00:19:38,718
The preppy look was in.
484
00:19:38,718 --> 00:19:41,054
And everybody was
dirty dancing and we said
485
00:19:41,054 --> 00:19:42,389
"You may die before you date.
486
00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:44,307
But you'll get
a promoted in '88."
487
00:19:44,307 --> 00:19:45,850
That's right.
488
00:19:45,850 --> 00:19:48,061
Okay, a couple more
years went by and suddenly
489
00:19:48,061 --> 00:19:49,896
you were up
for another promotion.
490
00:19:49,896 --> 00:19:53,566
And Vanilla Ice
was topping the charts.
491
00:19:53,566 --> 00:19:56,194
And we said,
"Going to the top in '91.
492
00:19:56,194 --> 00:19:58,321
This year they're bound
to throw you a crumb."
493
00:19:58,321 --> 00:20:00,073
(Lewis)
'Oh.'
494
00:20:00,073 --> 00:20:02,659
Well, a couple
more years went by
495
00:20:02,659 --> 00:20:04,953
and we started being a little
more careful with our words.
496
00:20:04,953 --> 00:20:06,329
'That's true.'
497
00:20:06,329 --> 00:20:08,373
'But we still had hope
in our hearts.'
498
00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:10,083
Who could ever forget
499
00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:12,836
"We're hoping for more in '94."
500
00:20:14,629 --> 00:20:16,631
"The dream's
still alive in '95."
501
00:20:16,631 --> 00:20:18,716
- 'Oh, yeah, that was nice one.'
- 'Yes.'
502
00:20:18,716 --> 00:20:21,637
"'96, now, you're
just not trying."
503
00:20:23,429 --> 00:20:26,683
"'97, hey, look, I can write
with markers in my nose."
504
00:20:28,226 --> 00:20:31,772
And finally, in 1998...
505
00:20:34,274 --> 00:20:35,692
[humming]
506
00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:37,485
"In this great country
507
00:20:37,485 --> 00:20:39,946
"the land of opportunity
508
00:20:39,946 --> 00:20:42,699
"where any idiot can whittle
away the competition
509
00:20:42,699 --> 00:20:45,701
"or simply outlive them
510
00:20:45,701 --> 00:20:48,789
"Drew Carey has done
what so many generations
511
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,832
"of Carey's have only dreamt of.
512
00:20:50,832 --> 00:20:53,460
"Climbed one rung up
the corporate ladder
513
00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:57,547
standing boldly on the threshold
of lower middle class."
514
00:20:57,547 --> 00:21:03,136
♪ From sea to shining sea ♪
515
00:21:03,136 --> 00:21:05,138
Don't screw it up, Drew.
516
00:21:07,056 --> 00:21:08,433
Don't you worry about it.
517
00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:09,476
This is the new Drew Carey.
518
00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:10,852
I'm all about success.
519
00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:12,228
I'm all about taking risk.
520
00:21:12,228 --> 00:21:14,021
I'm gonna win big.
I'm gonna lose big.
521
00:21:14,021 --> 00:21:16,274
Either way, my rug is on fire.
522
00:21:16,274 --> 00:21:17,776
[cheering and applause]
523
00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:22,405
That's not a figure of speech.
My rug is on fire.
524
00:21:22,405 --> 00:21:23,407
Oh!
525
00:21:28,828 --> 00:21:29,746
[door knocking]
526
00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:30,747
Coming.
527
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:36,920
Hey! Betsy, my old fridge.
You're back.
528
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,380
(Lewis)
'Move, my back's killing me.'
529
00:21:39,380 --> 00:21:41,299
Wow!
Hey, where did you find it?
530
00:21:41,299 --> 00:21:42,925
Drew, you've been
putting on the brave front
531
00:21:42,925 --> 00:21:44,844
but we know you've
been missing the old girl.
532
00:21:44,844 --> 00:21:47,555
So, we decided to go the
junkyard and buy her back.
533
00:21:47,555 --> 00:21:49,641
Boy, two fridges at once.
That's my biggest fantasy.
534
00:21:51,684 --> 00:21:52,894
That's all
I need to hear to leave.
535
00:21:52,894 --> 00:21:54,187
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
35817
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