Original subtitles

Don't move, Drew. You got a bug on the back of your head.

Ow!

Oh, sorry, what I meant was the back of his head bugged me.

[laughs]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, Mrs. Louder.

'Yes.'

Oh, an important promotion.

Oh, thank God. I wasn't gonna tell you this.

But I'm so far in debt, I was thinking of hanging myself.

Oh, you want to talk to Carey?

'Here.'

Yes, ma'am.

'Carey, the corporate big leagues in Amsterdam'

have decided to open Winfred-Lauder stores

in Europe and the Far East.

And we think you're the man to oversee staffing.

Wow! Hey, that's great.

And you know it makes sense though, because, uh, uh...

...my people skill transcend language barriers and I'm

all up-to-date on the concept of multinational diversity.

Yeah, that's it.

You know, I'm glad you said that

because there some people around here

that think all the decisions are made at random.

[laughs] Don't be ridiculous.

Now, if you're serious about this promotion

get up here right away before I change my mind.

I'm on my way.

Ha-ha, I got a promotion.

I finally got a promotion.

Hey, let me out of here.

Hit the unlock, pig.

What the hell? This is stuck too.

Of course, they are. You know why?

If you're going to hire a paperboy to do your electrical

system, you get what you paid for, that's why.

Yeah... your window's open.

Here, use the key and unlock the door from over there.

Okay.

Almost got it.

[keys clanking]

Can you climb out?

Do you mind? I'm wearing a short skirt.

Oh, well, this is an emergency.

- I'll give you a hand. - No, no, no. I'll get it.

I've seen my dates do this a thousand times.

Oh, cripes! The air bag exploded.

- 'Do we call Mrs. Louder?' - No.

Like she's gonna send me overseas

if I can't even get out of my own car.

Hey, hey, hey. You call that a parking job?

Straighten that thing out.

You know, I'm kind of in a hurry right now.

- I'll get it later... - Hey!

You got a problem with authority. Don't you buddy?

Listen... you're a parking attendant.

What can you do? Make my car stay after work?

No.

[Drew exclaiming]

Just not gonna tell you to watch out for that oil slick.

♪ Ahh Ahh Ahh ♪

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with their crimson lips ♪

♪ Go Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin ♪

♪ Go Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

Ohio!

[instrumental music]

What? Do you want me to call Mrs. Louder now?

No. Let them wait for a change.

They need me.

Besides, what good does rushing do you?

It's like showing up early for a date.

You're standing there, the window's open

and you hear her mother yapping.

Oh, I don't want you going out with him. He's a loser.

Oh, my God. He's hiding in the bushes.

Well, I think this promotion is gonna change your life.

You're gonna be the loser anymore.

You're gonna be the successful guy hiding in the bushes.

Oh, hey! Can I get a hand from you?

I need a shirt and jacket, here.

Mr. Carey. You hired me yesterday and you're testing me.

Aren't you?

No. Oh, listen, this isn't a test.

[chuckles] Relax. Calm down.

All you got to do is, uh, just bring these up and, uh...

I'll be on my way. No pressure.

Or else I failed the test and I'm fired.

I hear you.

I should just, uh, warn you that

I don't respond well...

...to...

[groaning]

[screaming]

It's okay, I'm wearing a T-shirt.

I want my free umbrella, now!

Um, sorry, sir.

You only get the umbrella when you buy

the cologne, not the aftershave.

Never mind, I'll get it myself.

Security! Help!

You want umbrella for free?

Bend over!

Hey, hey, hey.

Wow, you're... a lot bigger than you look across the room.

Stay out of this, little man.

Yeah, well, first of all... thank you.

And second of all, let's all just calm down

take a deep breath and realize that Kate's already

involved in three store law suits.

Tell me something.

Do you ever have a right time of the month?

That's it. It's go time.

Hey, hey, hey.

Alright, buddy, calm down.

Hey! I just paid for this.

There.

Drew, that was so brave.

The way you've ripped that guy's shirt

while he was holding his arms.

I kept my eyes open and everything.

[chuckles]

Mr. Carey, I'm really sorry.

Let's just pretend that didn't happen.

So, I will run your charge card through

and you'll be on you way.

Okay. Add another shirt to that, okay.

Right.

Alright.

Uh-oh.

What? What "Uh-oh?"

Uh, I just over charged you a little for the shirt.

$3000.

Look, just, uh, void it. Run it back through.

I-I don't know how to void it.

Look, um... why don't you just pay your bill when you get it?

And then they'll reimburse you in a couple of weeks.

Six months tops.

S-six months, are you crazy?

Stop yelling at me.

[groaning]

[screaming]

(Mrs. Louder over PA) 'Attention, Drew Carey.'

'We're still waiting for you in the boardroom.'

Ah, hold you horses, will you?

Holy crap!

Gang way, gang way.

Hold the elevator.

Show with the board again, huh, Carey?

No. As a matter of fact, I'm, uh, getting a promotion today.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Well, that's great, man. It's high time.

You deserved it.

Yeah, but I don't... I don't wanna talk about it, okay.

- Don't wanna jinx it. - Hey, they're calling you up.

There's no way you can lose now.

Nothing but blue skies ahead.

Not even the Gods above with their so called...

...powers can you know...

[thudding]

You happy?

You think I wanted this to happen?

I was on my way to bathroom.

I drained this triple Grande latte about 20 minutes ago.

Hello? Oh, yeah, thank God you're there.

Uh, yeah, we're-we're trapped in the elevator.

What? An hour to two hours.

Hey, listen, I-I have to get to the boardroom.

- I need you to help me. - Easy, Carey.

Let me handle this.

Look, pinhead, put the sandwich down

turn off the Jerry Springer

and get your overpaid lazy butt up...

He hung up.

Yeah, sure, great.

Hey, now, let's find the guy that cuts our paychecks

and go make fun of his religion.

I have more bad news, Carey.

I'm not dancing 'cause I'm happy.

[sighs]

I might back it up, so I could enjoy the view.

Man, I hate this feeling, it's like...

The pressure is building, I can feel it.

And it's gonna burst out of my body.

I feel my bladder getting bigger.

- Pushing and pushing-- - Just stop it!

We had a long drive in.

Hey, man, we can't wait two hours. Okay?

We got to do it right here.

We're trapped in the elevator, people will understand.

No, no. We can wait.

We can wait.

- How long it it been? - Not two hours.

- Give me the cup. - No, it's my cup.

- Give me your shoe. - Use your own shoe.

- I'll sell you the cup. - 10 bucks.

15.

Hey, look there, we're on camera.

Don't worry about it. That's how we do it on the bus.

[elevator bell dings]

Ah, geez!

Well, the big surprise is, he does it standing up.

Make a hole. Hot soup!

[instrumental music]

Boy, when you hold it that long, it's almost as good as sex.

Thanks for ruining the two things I enjoy most.

Hey, Drew, been looking for you.

- Hey, man. - Hey!

I don't have time to talk now, but big party

my house later to celebrate my promotion.

- No, no, no. - No, no, wait wait, wait.

I got to talk to you now.

Look, I just had a recovered memory

and you're the only one that can tell me if it's true.

Well, can-can it wait?

No, no. Drew, if the memory is true, my entire life is a lie.

Well, a lie's better than what you've got. Go with the lie.

- Oh. - Hey, hey, Drew.

Drew. Come on, now.

We're all making sacrifices here.

Lewis risked his job by being here and I'm supposed

to be parked behind the Walmart, napping right now.

Alright, let's hurry up.

Okay.

[exhales]

Okay.

We're little kids.

We're in my basement.

And we're playing Kerplunk.

I've beaten you four out of six games.

No, five out of six games.

- Okay, you won the first game-- - Okay, yes, I remember.

Oh. It was horrible.

And then we survived it.

We must never speak of this again.

- No, no, no. - Drew, Drew, Drew.

Anyway, my mother comes downstairs

and she calls me Aaron.

Why Aaron?

Okay, my thinking is...

...is that I used to have a twin.

- His name was Lewis. - Okay.

Times were tough, they need the money.

So, they sell him to a barren Norwegian couple.

Why?

Tall, fair and lanky. Huh?

Now, the rest of the story is just speculation.

Now, to cover their tracks

they named me Lewis.

And since I was six, I was forced to live the life

he would have lived instead of the life I should have lived

which was that of a dashing body building scientist.

Now, Drew...

...you hold the key.

Look, you're name is not Aaron. Okay?

I-it's Lewis.

U-uh, there never was... you never were a twin.

It never happened.

Oh. Okay.

You're probably right.

He's in on the cover up.

The government must have got to him.

So, he's a robot, too.

We'll conduct tests when he's sleeping.

Right.

Bye, Drew.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

Hey, get that out of here.

No way man. We just hold this down four flights.

We're taking a break.

What for? Listen, the elevator is broken.

U-uh, I-I just... I got a real important meeting to get to.

Oh, man, I-I'm sorry.

You know, I got a real important meeting to get to, too.

Uh, see my backs gotta meet these wall

while I enjoy a cool mentholated smoke.

(Mrs. Louder on PA) 'Attention Drew Carey.'

'The promotion train is leaving in ten minutes'

'with or without you.'

'You have ten minutes. That is all.'

[sighs] You know, uh... one of my heroes

Henry Clay, the great compromiser

he would sit here and try to reason this out with you.

My other hero, Godzilla... do this.

Ahh!

[instrumental music]

(Mrs. Louder on PA) 'Carey, you have seven minutes to get up here.'

'That's the skinny number between six and eight.'

Drew, got a minute?

Oh, yeah.

I forgot to ask you out so you can turn me down today.

Wanna go out? No. Okay, bye.

Actually, I might.

Oh, man. Today?

- Are you serious? - Yeah, yeah.

I just broke up with my boyfriend and...

...kind of lonely.

[chuckles] I'm back.

Uh, but I gotta go.

But, uh, I'm here for ya.

But I don't have a lot of time.

I wanna go out with you.

Can-can I call you later?

Hmh, no, I'm going home early.

I just wanna crawl in bed with a good book or something.

Do you wanna come home with me?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

[crying] But I can't.

Are you crying?

A little bit.

When did men become women?

'72, David Bowie

Ziggy Stardust, that's when, baby.

[instrumental music]

(Mrs. Louder on PA) 'Mr. Carey, you've got five minutes'

'to get your butt up here.'

'Did you hear me? Five minutes.'

'The rest of you, please enjoy your shopping.'

Crikes, Drew, what's taking you so long?

Men's room get stuck between floors?

'Oh, look at you.'

You could bathe in a big pool of luck

and it would do you no good.

Hey, thanks for the pep talk, Eraserhead.

You know, you wanna do yourself a favor?

Go to the top drawer and start filling up the paper work.

So, you can take over my cubical after I leave.

You don't have to tell me twice.

[hissing]

Crap!

Nobody look at me!

Carey, don't move.

Oh, you look a fright.

You went one hoof over the line, pig!

You're paying for this!

Hey, lady, you forgot your monkey.

[laughs]

Hey, uh, Mr. Wick, can it wait?

I have to see Mrs. Louder.

Who are we fooling, Carey? You don't want this job.

What-what are you talking about?

Fear of success, Carey.

Although statistically speaking, you should be more frightened

of dinosaurs coming back to eat you.

[laughs]

Listen, I'm not afraid of success. Alright?

Success is afraid of me.

Oh, really?

I think you're afraid that when you finally achieve success

you won't be happy.

And then all those years of scratching and clawing

will have been for nought.

You're crazy.

It takes two minutes to get from the garage to the boardroom.

It's been 15 minutes and you're still not there.

Yeah, but I had, I had to stop.

I had reasons. I had to help people.

- I had-- - Had to.

Everything's a choice, Carey.

Think about it.

He's here. Mr. Carey is back from the mysterious East.

[instrumental music]

Congratulations, Drew.

You succeeded beyond our wildest dreams.

How did you find the Far East?

Well, I went far than I turned East.

[laughing]

Ah, but seriously.

Mrs. Louder, I've brought you strange and wonderful

things from far away places.

This lustrous fabric is made by worms.

- Ooh. - Ooh.

I call it "Silk."

And I found eternal happiness

with my new wife, Pamela Lee.

(all) Ooh.

Drew, thanks to you

Winfred-Lauder is having the best year ever.

And we would like to offer this to you

as a little token of our appreciation.

Wow!

Hey, I'm gonna give this money back to Cleveland.

I'm buying the Browns.

(all) Hail!

And I'm gonna be the quarterback.

(all) Oh.

Alright, I'll-I'll just buy 'em.

[all cheering]

I'm not afraid of success.

I'd love it.

Oh, did I say you were afraid of success?

I'm sorry, I meant to say I'm afraid of your success.

That's why I made you waste another

two minutes of your time.

[laughing deviously]

[instrumental music]

Out of my way, Mimi.

Mrs. Louder is waiting for me in there.

I don't think so, pig.

You made me look bad in front of Mr. Wick.

I think you're confusing me with your face.

Oh, my... the lock is jammed.

Listen, I'm going in that boardroom.

Now, you can either be a part of the solution

or part of the door frame.

Choose.

(Mrs. Louder) 'Carey has 52 more seconds. Will he make it?'

51.

50.

49.

48.

Forty... Oh, you know what, I'm tired of this whole thing.

Who want's the job?

It's yours.

[Mimi screaming]

Oh, I made it.

I made it. I made it with 15 seconds to spare.

Whoo! Oh, you're not supposed to feel your heart jiggle, are you?

I'm sorry, Carey, I gave the job away.

I'm not as patient woman as I used to be.

Better luck next time.

[laughs] Wait-wait a second.

Wait a second, you told me

that if I got here in ten minutes, I'd get the job.

I got here in nine minutes and 45 seconds.

And I got to tell you, I don't like the look of that

bingo wheel either.

Nine minutes 45 seconds, ten minutes. What's the difference?

I've got plastic hips and I could have

made it faster than that.

Yeah, but I made it, see.

Now, you've been promising me stuff and pulling

the rug up from underneath for 12 years.

Now, I deserved that promotion and I want it now.

No.

Look, uh, I don't know how you behaved before the earth cooled.

But I busted my butt to get up here.

I-I almost urinated on an elevator.

I passed up a chance to have sex to get up here on time.

I hope those are unrelated.

T-that's not the point.

You know-you know what the point is?

The point is, I quit.

That's right, I...

I don't have to dig ditches and work

somewhere where I'm not appreciated.

And you. And you. And you.

You can all, you can all just go to hell.

Wow, you have a pair, after all.

They must have dropped when you hit the door.

Alright, you got the promotion.

The job starts in September.

There's a ten percent raise and there's a title, too.

What are you now?

I'm, uh, the Assistant Director of Personnel.

Then you're the International Assistant Director of Personnel.

Thank you.

Thank you, and you, you won't regret it.

Now, if you want this to be a done deal

there's just one more simple thing.

Go downstairs, get the forms

and be back her in... ten minutes.

Yeah, but I...

[instrumental music]

[whispering] Okay, ready.

One, two, three.

♪ Drew was finally promoted ♪

♪ And nobody had to die ♪

Alright, alright, alright.

Stopped being sweet about half-way through.

Alright, in honor of your promotion

we went back and found some of the party decorations

from the first time we thought you're gonna

climb the corporate ladder.

The preppy look was in.

And everybody was dirty dancing and we said

"You may die before you date.

But you'll get a promoted in '88."

That's right.

Okay, a couple more years went by and suddenly

you were up for another promotion.

And Vanilla Ice was topping the charts.

And we said, "Going to the top in '91.

This year they're bound to throw you a crumb."

(Lewis) 'Oh.'

Well, a couple more years went by

and we started being a little more careful with our words.

'That's true.'

'But we still had hope in our hearts.'

Who could ever forget

"We're hoping for more in '94."

"The dream's still alive in '95."

- 'Oh, yeah, that was nice one.' - 'Yes.'

"'96, now, you're just not trying."

"'97, hey, look, I can write with markers in my nose."

And finally, in 1998...

[humming]

"In this great country

"the land of opportunity

"where any idiot can whittle away the competition

"or simply outlive them

"Drew Carey has done what so many generations

"of Carey's have only dreamt of.

"Climbed one rung up the corporate ladder

standing boldly on the threshold of lower middle class."

♪ From sea to shining sea ♪

Don't screw it up, Drew.

Don't you worry about it.

This is the new Drew Carey.

I'm all about success.

I'm all about taking risk.

I'm gonna win big. I'm gonna lose big.

Either way, my rug is on fire.

[cheering and applause]

That's not a figure of speech. My rug is on fire.

Oh!

[door knocking]

Coming.

Hey! Betsy, my old fridge. You're back.

(Lewis) 'Move, my back's killing me.'

Wow! Hey, where did you find it?

Drew, you've been putting on the brave front

but we know you've been missing the old girl.

So, we decided to go the junkyard and buy her back.

Boy, two fridges at once. That's my biggest fantasy.

That's all I need to hear to leave.

- Yeah. - Yeah.