All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S03E25 - Drews Cousin (720p WEB-DL x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

Thanks for having
the cousin's picnic, Drew.

Everybody's having a great time.

Hey, you're family.

I can stand you people
at least one day a year.

Hey, who wants a tofu dog?

[all laughing]

And, Lewis, could you
get some more beer?

We're almost out.

Geez, why don't you
just flood the backyard

and give 'em all snorkels.

No. We just ate.

- How you doin'?
- Hey.

- Bill Carey.
- Uh.

Has Drew ever
told you about me?

No. But let me guess.

You're single.
Nothing on the horizon.

Been stuck in the same job,
ten to twenty years.

'Cause your boss won't
give you a stinking break.

And you've been hangin' out
with the same loser friends

since high school.

Maybe I don't need
my loser friends.

You seem pretty nice.

I'm a lateral move, son.

I've changed my mind, Drew.
I'm goin' home.

What you're talkin' about?

You've been upstairs
prepping for hours.

You've tried out four different
dresses.

But you look great.

- I look fat.
- Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.
You cut that out.

Now you look better
than half the women out there.

Thanks for tryin'.

Hey, listen, what-what
are you worried about, huh?

I'll-I'll go out there
with you when you

make your big announcement,
you're a cross dresser, and then

uh, we'll revive
the relevance we like.

- Hey, Drew.
- Hey, Kristen!

- How's my favorite cousin, huh?
- Oh, great.

You know, you should tell
your date she needs a slip.

You can see everything
through that skirt.

Steve?

Honey, there's something
I have to tell you.

I dress like a woman.

Wow.

Why?

Uh, there's many
things about Steve

that are a mystery, Kristen.

Uh, except for one thing.
You better put on a slip.

[clears throat]

Oh, sorry.

Man, I never would've guessed.

Sorry. I hope that
didn't freak you out.

Hey, I walked on grandma
in the bathroom.

What doesn't kill you,
makes you stronger.

Hey, what're you doin' here?

Your mom said
you're looking for colleges.

- Oh, I got into Case Western.
- Oh, great.

Boy I wish I knew somebody
who lived in Cleveland

with a nice house
I can stay in.

Yeah, I know what
you're gettin' at.

No, I said a nice house.

Now that you mention it,
I guess this will do

until the dorms open.

You mean all summer?

Okay, listen,
before I say yes

there's a few ground rules.

First of all,
when I bring home a date...

If I bring home a date...

Oh, what the hell,
I can use company.

Thanks.

Hey, Drew,
how's it hangin'?

- I can't tell.
- Great.

Then I'm ready.

Wish me luck.

[guests hooting]

Hey, guys.
It's me Steve.

[wolf whistle]

Thanks, Uncle Bob.

["Cleveland Rocks"]

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks
with the crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin
with a safety pin goin' ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

Ohio!

Hey, who rearranged my desk?

Mimi?

So should I put on a face mask,
a cup or should I run like hell?

Well, a mask only
covers your face.

You've nothin'
to protect with the cup.

Now unless they're givin' away
chocolate pork chops outside

you ain't runnin' nowhere.

Bing! Bang! Boom!

Bing, bang, boom.

What's the sound three mirrors
make when you look at them?

(Mimi)
'Yeah, yeah, yeah.'

I didn't touch your desk.

Your cousin, Kristen,
rearranged it.

Man, you give a kid
a part-time job, she goes crazy.

Hey, look where she
put my candy bars.

Now I don't have to bend over
so far to get to 'em.

Uh, actually,
that was my idea.

Not that I don't enjoy my hourly
viewing of the great divide.

- Hey, cuz.
- Hey.

Here, Mimi. I've updated
your phone directory.

And I got you little somethin'
for not punishin' me

because I'm related to Drew.

Oh, oh, oh, it-it's
a troll tribute to the '70s.

It-it's The Village Trolls.

Morning, all.
Oh, goody. More trolls.

At last you've managed
to get rid of

the last two square inches

of sanity on your desk.

Uh, Mr. Wick, have you signed
my proof of employment?

I need it for my student loan.

Mimi, where's this young lady's
proof of employment?

Uh, I must've left
it in the copy room.

I'll get it when
I'm done re-arranging my trolls.

Couldn't we get it now?

[gnashing]
I said, I'll get it when
I'm done re-arranging my trolls.

Who's giving orders
to whom here?

He asked metaphorically,
before taking the temp

to get it himself.

Follow me.

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Dee dee-dee dee-dee ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

Whoo!

♪ I think it's time
that they put you away ♪

♪ I think it's time
that they put you away ♪

Shut up, shut up,
you stupid, you...

Oh, crap. Here's the
proof of employment form.

It was here all the time.

I'll give it to her.

You stay here
and play with the troll.

Talkin' to you, Indian.

Hey, Mimi.
I got a package for Mr. Wick.

Hey, Doofus, don't you
get bored out of your skull

delivering boxes all day?

Eighty-six, eighty-seven,
eighty-eight.

Eighty-eight tiles from
the elevator to your desk.

I take that as a no.

Oh my god.
Oh my god.

What? What happened?

I just saw Kristen and Mr. Wick
kissing in the copy room.

Uh, look, this is
very embarrassing.

Why don't we go into my office?

I'm fine where I am.

Gimme one reason why I shouldn't
punch you in the mouth.

Well, first of all,
I break like a rice cake.

And it was mutual.

Listen, you are only 18, you
are fresh out of high school.

You don't anything about life.

And I'll not have you learnin'
about it, before I do.

Drew, this is really
not a big deal.

I'm very mature for my age.

And I'm very immature.
It's quite a good fit really.

Hey, hey, nobody's fittin'
anybody, alright?

You get another job, and you're
never gonna see you again.

And that's the end of story.

Drew, this isn't the way
to handle the situation.

It's not fair!
I hate you!

You wanna see "not fair,"
I'll show you "not fair."

Oh, good Lord.
He's gonna drop his pants.

[telephone ringing]

[ringing continues]

Hello.

No, Mr. Wick, I'm not talking to
you about Kristen. Case closed.

Oh, well, you're a bigger one.

Hey, Drew.

So where's Lolita?

She's upstairs, sulking.

Man, I can't believe
this was happening for a week

right under my nose.
I didn't even had a clue.

Drew, you never know
what's going on at work

unless it's in front
of the vending machine.

That's not true.

By the way, old man Henderson
had a heart attack

in front of the muffin
cart yesterday.

I got a question.

What's the big deal about a
young woman datin' an older man?

I mean they're both
a legal age.

No, I'm not shutting up.
I've got a right to ask.

I can have my own
point of view, you know.

So what's with
this creepy old guy?

Forcing himself
on that little angel.

Kristen, maybe you and I should
have a little private talk.

That's right.
You listen to her, missy.

She's made every
possible bad choice, this one.

And there's not a...
not a loser, a nut job

or a space case she
hasn't thrown herself at.

Hey.

Yeah, you listen to him.

Do what you want.
Apparently, I'm a big whore.

[doorbell ringing]

Oh, gee, I wonder
who could that be.

I'll get it.

[ringing continues]

I'm not letting you
through this door.

Drew, I have
five Carey brothers.

I learnt a long time ago,
how to flip a fat man.

You know, you've put me
in hell of a situation here.

He's my boss, you know.

He's a killer.

Hello, Mr. Carey.

You can't see Kristen.
Go home.

Fine. I'll just
come out there.

No, no, Kirsten. We're going
to do this the right way.

I-I want your family's approval.

All I ask is five minutes
to speak with you.

- Man to man.
- Yeah, sure. Compliment me.

Kirsten, uh, would you
go wait in the other room?

We don't anybody
gettin' all emotional here.

I'll miss you.

Are you helping?
Is that helping?

Wow.

Sit down.

Now, listen, uh, I'm not sure
I wanna know the answer to this.

But... I mean, how far
is this thing gone?

Sir, I'm an Englishman.
I never kiss and tell.

As we're in America,
second base.

Cleveland second base,
or New York second base?

How would I know?

We touched bumpies,
but not naughties.

Look, Carey, I-I want your
blessing, but the fact is

she's of age, I'm of age

and there's very little
you can do to keep us apart.

Yeah, I guess you've
got me over a barrel.

Which, by the way,
is Kentucky second base.

Hmm.

Listen, just protect
her with your life.

She's the only
good-looking Carey.

We're still doin'
tests on her.

Kristen.

Yeah.

If wanna... wreck my life
and ruin any chance

I have a sleep-in

and tie my guts in a knot
that I gridlock

my lunch for
the next year then...

...you can go out with Mr. Wick.

Now, Drew, if you feel
that strongly about it

I guess I shouldn't
ask for the car too.

Thanks for understanding, Drew.

I'll see you guys later.

We're off to the symphony, everyone.

I'll have her back
by midnight. Ta!

(all)
Ta!

I think I did
the right thing. I...

I hope I did
the right thing.

Well, now you know
all the pain and anguish

your parents went through

the time you went out
on your date.

- Good mornin'. How's it goin'?
- Great.

I was just making
you breakfast

'cause you were so nice
last night.

Oh, hey, listen.

I'm not that much older
than you.

I mean...

I remember what it's like
to be young

fightin' certain urges.

I read "Are You There, God?
It's Me Margaret."

That's about a girl
gettin' her period.

Wow! I totally
misinterpreted that.

- So how'd your date go?
- Great!

And I was home
before midnight.

Hey, you know what?
You can even get home at 12:30.

It wouldn't matter to me.

I'm cool like that.

Uh, that's why you're
my favorite cousin, Drew.

And you do the dishes
after you use 'em.

That's why you're
my favorite cousin.

Huh!

Hey, look, this one's so shiny

I can see the naked man
I'm gonna go kill.

Carey, let's be civilized
about this.

Yeah.

Where are my manners?

Here you are half-naked
in my kitchen

and I haven't started
beating you yet.

Now, don't jump to conclusions.
Now, hear me out.

Haven't you ever been
talking to someone fascinating

and just totally lost
track of time?

Yeah, but I didn't lose
track of my pants.

Ye-yes.

Yes, bu-but haven't you e-ever
been eating something

and then you spill something
on your pants

and you take them off
to get the stain out?

Yeah?

And then haven't you ever

celebrated getting
the stain out by having sex?

(Kristen)
'Drew, Drew, put down the bat.'

I've seen you at the family
softball games.

You're just gonna miss his head
and throw out your shoulder.

Yeah, you're right.

But I never miss with this!

Kristen, I want you to leave
the room. This could get messy.

- You gonna cry?
- I might.

So? You're gonna stop seein'
her, or do I have to use this?

Huh? What's it gonna be? Huh?

We're in love, Drew.

Oh, man, you...

I'm sorry.

Started out
just goofing around.

So you're telling me... that I
have to go to my aunt and uncle

and tell 'em that
my middle-aged boss

has serious intentions
toward their little girl?

I'm afraid so.

And then after the family
kicks us out

the next family barbecues
is gonna be you guys and me?

Eh, I've got
lots of relatives.

We like to sunbathe nude.

(Oswald)
'Hey, Mimi, you got
a package for me?'

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

You're sending a package
to Drew's cousin?

Yeah, it's a "Congratulations.

"I'm so happy
you're in a relationship

with the man I love" gift.

Oswald.

All suspicious packages
must be thoroughly investigated.

Oh! It's a, it's a,
it's a teddy bear.

You sure are a fuzzy one.
Aren't you?

I think I'll call
you Mr. Fuzzy. Ha ha.

[teddy bear squealing]

Oh, look he talks too.

Beep!

[teddy bear squealing]

Beep! Beep! Beep!

Oh my god!
It's aiming at your head.

Turn the bear away!
Turn the bear away!

Oh my god! Don't fire me.
It's not my fault.

It's Mimi's bear.

[laughing]

Look at me.

I'm the butt of a joke.

[laughing]

And we'll all live
a little longer

having laughed at it.

Thank you.

Drew, have you seen Wick?

He's all nice now.
It's creepy.

It's like running into Satan
in Adopt-A-Pet.

I know. That's why I had
to take some drastic measures.

Tonight, I'm treating 'em both
to a dinner cruise on the river.

Ah-a!

Is what I'd say
if that made any sense.

Yeah.

See, I'm an authority figure

and Kristen's rebelling
against me.

Now, if I pretend I'm alright
with all of this

maybe the forbidden fruit
won't taste so sweet.

Hmm.

How the hell would you know

what fruit tastes like?

I'll have you know
that every morning--

Not countin' pop tarts!

Hey! Kids!

Having fun?

Yeah!

Well, the teen center is closed.

Get the hell out.

I suppose you know
why I'm here, Carey.

To hit the last of my dreams
over the head with a shovel?

You still have dreams?

No. I'm here about
Wick and your cousin.

The point is,
your cousin

is distracting Wick
from his job.

He's not the bastard I hired.

And you're responsible.
Split them up.

Or I'll be riding
you like a carnival pony

at a children's birthday party.

Which is on the fifth,
by the way.

Learn to canter.

[telephone ringing]

Carey residence.

No, he's not home from work yet.
Can I take a message?

Oh! Kristen's mom.

How you doin'?
It's Lewis.

That's right,
the tall putty-nosed geek.

That's me, Mr. Beady Eyes.

Right. Ichabod Crane, alright.
You know who I am.

Okay, now you're just
being mean.

What? Kristen?
Yeah, she's fine.

Well, let's just say she's been
boning up on her English.

Okay. I'll-I'll tell
her to call.

Bye-bye.

[knock on door]

Ashley Judd out of gas.
Just this once. Come on, baby!

Oh! Hi, Mr. Wick.

Hello.

I've come to see Kristen.

Oh.

Hey, mind if I ask you something
totally non-judgmental?

- Certainly.
- Have you no shame?

Would you date
your own sister?

She's 18 years old,
for God sakes.

Jealous?

[scoffs]
A little.

Mr. Wick...

...I'm glad you're here.
Listen, uh...

I've to talk about you
and Kristen. This has to stop.

I mean, how would you like
to see me gallop around a yard

with a six-year-old
strapped to my back?

Why don't you just
leave us alone?

Kristen?

How awkward a moment are you
waiting for before you leave?

Well, this is a good one.

Oh, Nigel. Hey. What's up?

He's gonna tell
you what's up.

Uh, I gotta go
to the kitchen

and put the fleemer in the...

I knew you'd be missing me.
So, so I brought a present.

A great big box ofNigel.

Oh-oh, I'm sorry,
I got plans

of getting together
with some friends tonight.

What? Are you saying
that I wouldn't fit in?

No, I'm just saying
you wouldn't be interested.

It's just a couple of guys
I met down at the gym.

You're going out with guys?

Yeah. Yeah, Mark and Tom.

They go to Cleveland State.

College boys!
Hey! I like 'em.

I like 'em a lot.

And Ol' Man River,
he just keeps rollin' along.

I'll see ya later, Mr. Wick.

Wait! Uh, why don't I drive you?

The whole evening
could be my treat.

I don't think that's
such a good idea.

[shouting]
Why? 'Cause I'll be interrupting
your sexual intercourse?

Whoa! And the car goes
into the crowd.

This is getting
incredibly creepy.

I don't think we should see
each other anymore.

Goodnight, Nigel.

Clock it! Time of death
is 7:01. Hey.

"If you love something,
let it go."

Ah, "Better to have
loved and lost."

Drive carefully.
Buckle up. Ta!

♪ Chick-a-boom chick-a-boom ♪

♪ Don't ya just love it ♪

♪ Chick-a-boom chick-a-boom ♪

♪ Don't ya just love it ♪

♪ Chick-a-boom chick-a-boom ♪

♪ Don't ya just love it ♪

♪ Chick-a-boom
chick-a-boom boom-boom-boom ♪

["I Want to Know What Love Is"
by Foreigner]

Aw, crap!

Hey, get down off of there. No
street shoes on my pool table.

Get down or I'm gonna
hose you down.

No! No, no.

Not my hair.

The color will
run down my neck.

Oh.

I can't believe
we're ending like this.

We were so perfect together.

Perfect?

Hey, listen.

No offense, but you're
a pathetic older guy

running after a girl
who's younger than you

and doesn't even love you.

You're not Dustin Hoffman
in "The Graduate."

You're Dennis Hopper
in "Blue Velvet."

I'll just get my coat
and leave.

Where is your coat?

I didn't bring one.

I just want you to bring
her down for one last goodbye.

- Please.
- Oh, well...

Alright.
But that's it.

Hey, uh, Mr. Wick?

I-I hope this doesn't hurt

our relationship at work
or anything.

Don't worry, I couldn't think
any less of you.

Thank you, sir.

[knock on door]

One moment.

Yes?

Hey, we're Kristen's friends.

Are you the guy that's been
bothering her?

She just called,
said some British guy

won't leave her alone,
and we're here to kick his ass.

[southern accent]
British? Do I sound
British to you, boy?

That fat four-eyed
cradle robber is upstairs

botherin' yer girl
as we speak.

(Drew)
'Come on, Kristen,
open the door.'

'I just wanna talk.'

- It's time to go to work.
- Yeah! Ha ha!

[grunting]

(Drew)
'Oh, hi. You must be--'

[thud]

[groaning]

Hey, Kristen called us over.

It wasn't our idea, okay?

And if you ever touch
my little brother again

I'll forget I'm a lady.

[chuckles]