Original subtitles

Thanks for having the cousin's picnic, Drew.

Everybody's having a great time.

Hey, you're family.

I can stand you people at least one day a year.

Hey, who wants a tofu dog?

[all laughing]

And, Lewis, could you get some more beer?

We're almost out.

Geez, why don't you just flood the backyard

and give 'em all snorkels.

No. We just ate.

- How you doin'? - Hey.

- Bill Carey. - Uh.

Has Drew ever told you about me?

No. But let me guess.

You're single. Nothing on the horizon.

Been stuck in the same job, ten to twenty years.

'Cause your boss won't give you a stinking break.

And you've been hangin' out with the same loser friends

since high school.

Maybe I don't need my loser friends.

You seem pretty nice.

I'm a lateral move, son.

I've changed my mind, Drew. I'm goin' home.

What you're talkin' about?

You've been upstairs prepping for hours.

You've tried out four different dresses.

But you look great.

- I look fat. - Hey.

Hey, hey, hey. You cut that out.

Now you look better than half the women out there.

Thanks for tryin'.

Hey, listen, what-what are you worried about, huh?

I'll-I'll go out there with you when you

make your big announcement, you're a cross dresser, and then

uh, we'll revive the relevance we like.

- Hey, Drew. - Hey, Kristen!

- How's my favorite cousin, huh? - Oh, great.

You know, you should tell your date she needs a slip.

You can see everything through that skirt.

Steve?

Honey, there's something I have to tell you.

I dress like a woman.

Wow.

Why?

Uh, there's many things about Steve

that are a mystery, Kristen.

Uh, except for one thing. You better put on a slip.

[clears throat]

Oh, sorry.

Man, I never would've guessed.

Sorry. I hope that didn't freak you out.

Hey, I walked on grandma in the bathroom.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Hey, what're you doin' here?

Your mom said you're looking for colleges.

- Oh, I got into Case Western. - Oh, great.

Boy I wish I knew somebody who lived in Cleveland

with a nice house I can stay in.

Yeah, I know what you're gettin' at.

No, I said a nice house.

Now that you mention it, I guess this will do

until the dorms open.

You mean all summer?

Okay, listen, before I say yes

there's a few ground rules.

First of all, when I bring home a date...

If I bring home a date...

Oh, what the hell, I can use company.

Thanks.

Hey, Drew, how's it hangin'?

- I can't tell. - Great.

Then I'm ready.

Wish me luck.

[guests hooting]

Hey, guys. It's me Steve.

[wolf whistle]

Thanks, Uncle Bob.

["Cleveland Rocks"]

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with the crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin goin' ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

Ohio!

Hey, who rearranged my desk?

Mimi?

So should I put on a face mask, a cup or should I run like hell?

Well, a mask only covers your face.

You've nothin' to protect with the cup.

Now unless they're givin' away chocolate pork chops outside

you ain't runnin' nowhere.

Bing! Bang! Boom!

Bing, bang, boom.

What's the sound three mirrors make when you look at them?

(Mimi) 'Yeah, yeah, yeah.'

I didn't touch your desk.

Your cousin, Kristen, rearranged it.

Man, you give a kid a part-time job, she goes crazy.

Hey, look where she put my candy bars.

Now I don't have to bend over so far to get to 'em.

Uh, actually, that was my idea.

Not that I don't enjoy my hourly viewing of the great divide.

- Hey, cuz. - Hey.

Here, Mimi. I've updated your phone directory.

And I got you little somethin' for not punishin' me

because I'm related to Drew.

Oh, oh, oh, it-it's a troll tribute to the '70s.

It-it's The Village Trolls.

Morning, all. Oh, goody. More trolls.

At last you've managed to get rid of

the last two square inches

of sanity on your desk.

Uh, Mr. Wick, have you signed my proof of employment?

I need it for my student loan.

Mimi, where's this young lady's proof of employment?

Uh, I must've left it in the copy room.

I'll get it when I'm done re-arranging my trolls.

Couldn't we get it now?

[gnashing] I said, I'll get it when I'm done re-arranging my trolls.

Who's giving orders to whom here?

He asked metaphorically, before taking the temp

to get it himself.

Follow me.

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Dee dee-dee dee-dee ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

Whoo!

♪ I think it's time that they put you away ♪

♪ I think it's time that they put you away ♪

Shut up, shut up, you stupid, you...

Oh, crap. Here's the proof of employment form.

It was here all the time.

I'll give it to her.

You stay here and play with the troll.

Talkin' to you, Indian.

Hey, Mimi. I got a package for Mr. Wick.

Hey, Doofus, don't you get bored out of your skull

delivering boxes all day?

Eighty-six, eighty-seven, eighty-eight.

Eighty-eight tiles from the elevator to your desk.

I take that as a no.

Oh my god. Oh my god.

What? What happened?

I just saw Kristen and Mr. Wick kissing in the copy room.

Uh, look, this is very embarrassing.

Why don't we go into my office?

I'm fine where I am.

Gimme one reason why I shouldn't punch you in the mouth.

Well, first of all, I break like a rice cake.

And it was mutual.

Listen, you are only 18, you are fresh out of high school.

You don't anything about life.

And I'll not have you learnin' about it, before I do.

Drew, this is really not a big deal.

I'm very mature for my age.

And I'm very immature. It's quite a good fit really.

Hey, hey, nobody's fittin' anybody, alright?

You get another job, and you're never gonna see you again.

And that's the end of story.

Drew, this isn't the way to handle the situation.

It's not fair! I hate you!

You wanna see "not fair," I'll show you "not fair."

Oh, good Lord. He's gonna drop his pants.

[telephone ringing]

[ringing continues]

Hello.

No, Mr. Wick, I'm not talking to you about Kristen. Case closed.

Oh, well, you're a bigger one.

Hey, Drew.

So where's Lolita?

She's upstairs, sulking.

Man, I can't believe this was happening for a week

right under my nose. I didn't even had a clue.

Drew, you never know what's going on at work

unless it's in front of the vending machine.

That's not true.

By the way, old man Henderson had a heart attack

in front of the muffin cart yesterday.

I got a question.

What's the big deal about a young woman datin' an older man?

I mean they're both a legal age.

No, I'm not shutting up. I've got a right to ask.

I can have my own point of view, you know.

So what's with this creepy old guy?

Forcing himself on that little angel.

Kristen, maybe you and I should have a little private talk.

That's right. You listen to her, missy.

She's made every possible bad choice, this one.

And there's not a... not a loser, a nut job

or a space case she hasn't thrown herself at.

Hey.

Yeah, you listen to him.

Do what you want. Apparently, I'm a big whore.

[doorbell ringing]

Oh, gee, I wonder who could that be.

I'll get it.

[ringing continues]

I'm not letting you through this door.

Drew, I have five Carey brothers.

I learnt a long time ago, how to flip a fat man.

You know, you've put me in hell of a situation here.

He's my boss, you know.

He's a killer.

Hello, Mr. Carey.

You can't see Kristen. Go home.

Fine. I'll just come out there.

No, no, Kirsten. We're going to do this the right way.

I-I want your family's approval.

All I ask is five minutes to speak with you.

- Man to man. - Yeah, sure. Compliment me.

Kirsten, uh, would you go wait in the other room?

We don't anybody gettin' all emotional here.

I'll miss you.

Are you helping? Is that helping?

Wow.

Sit down.

Now, listen, uh, I'm not sure I wanna know the answer to this.

But... I mean, how far is this thing gone?

Sir, I'm an Englishman. I never kiss and tell.

As we're in America, second base.

Cleveland second base, or New York second base?

How would I know?

We touched bumpies, but not naughties.

Look, Carey, I-I want your blessing, but the fact is

she's of age, I'm of age

and there's very little you can do to keep us apart.

Yeah, I guess you've got me over a barrel.

Which, by the way, is Kentucky second base.

Hmm.

Listen, just protect her with your life.

She's the only good-looking Carey.

We're still doin' tests on her.

Kristen.

Yeah.

If wanna... wreck my life and ruin any chance

I have a sleep-in

and tie my guts in a knot that I gridlock

my lunch for the next year then...

...you can go out with Mr. Wick.

Now, Drew, if you feel that strongly about it

I guess I shouldn't ask for the car too.

Thanks for understanding, Drew.

I'll see you guys later.

We're off to the symphony, everyone.

I'll have her back by midnight. Ta!

(all) Ta!

I think I did the right thing. I...

I hope I did the right thing.

Well, now you know all the pain and anguish

your parents went through

the time you went out on your date.

- Good mornin'. How's it goin'? - Great.

I was just making you breakfast

'cause you were so nice last night.

Oh, hey, listen.

I'm not that much older than you.

I mean...

I remember what it's like to be young

fightin' certain urges.

I read "Are You There, God? It's Me Margaret."

That's about a girl gettin' her period.

Wow! I totally misinterpreted that.

- So how'd your date go? - Great!

And I was home before midnight.

Hey, you know what? You can even get home at 12:30.

It wouldn't matter to me.

I'm cool like that.

Uh, that's why you're my favorite cousin, Drew.

And you do the dishes after you use 'em.

That's why you're my favorite cousin.

Huh!

Hey, look, this one's so shiny

I can see the naked man I'm gonna go kill.

Carey, let's be civilized about this.

Yeah.

Where are my manners?

Here you are half-naked in my kitchen

and I haven't started beating you yet.

Now, don't jump to conclusions. Now, hear me out.

Haven't you ever been talking to someone fascinating

and just totally lost track of time?

Yeah, but I didn't lose track of my pants.

Ye-yes.

Yes, bu-but haven't you e-ever been eating something

and then you spill something on your pants

and you take them off to get the stain out?

Yeah?

And then haven't you ever

celebrated getting the stain out by having sex?

(Kristen) 'Drew, Drew, put down the bat.'

I've seen you at the family softball games.

You're just gonna miss his head and throw out your shoulder.

Yeah, you're right.

But I never miss with this!

Kristen, I want you to leave the room. This could get messy.

- You gonna cry? - I might.

So? You're gonna stop seein' her, or do I have to use this?

Huh? What's it gonna be? Huh?

We're in love, Drew.

Oh, man, you...

I'm sorry.

Started out just goofing around.

So you're telling me... that I have to go to my aunt and uncle

and tell 'em that my middle-aged boss

has serious intentions toward their little girl?

I'm afraid so.

And then after the family kicks us out

the next family barbecues is gonna be you guys and me?

Eh, I've got lots of relatives.

We like to sunbathe nude.

(Oswald) 'Hey, Mimi, you got a package for me?'

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

You're sending a package to Drew's cousin?

Yeah, it's a "Congratulations.

"I'm so happy you're in a relationship

with the man I love" gift.

Oswald.

All suspicious packages must be thoroughly investigated.

Oh! It's a, it's a, it's a teddy bear.

You sure are a fuzzy one. Aren't you?

I think I'll call you Mr. Fuzzy. Ha ha.

[teddy bear squealing]

Oh, look he talks too.

Beep!

[teddy bear squealing]

Beep! Beep! Beep!

Oh my god! It's aiming at your head.

Turn the bear away! Turn the bear away!

Oh my god! Don't fire me. It's not my fault.

It's Mimi's bear.

[laughing]

Look at me.

I'm the butt of a joke.

[laughing]

And we'll all live a little longer

having laughed at it.

Thank you.

Drew, have you seen Wick?

He's all nice now. It's creepy.

It's like running into Satan in Adopt-A-Pet.

I know. That's why I had to take some drastic measures.

Tonight, I'm treating 'em both to a dinner cruise on the river.

Ah-a!

Is what I'd say if that made any sense.

Yeah.

See, I'm an authority figure

and Kristen's rebelling against me.

Now, if I pretend I'm alright with all of this

maybe the forbidden fruit won't taste so sweet.

Hmm.

How the hell would you know

what fruit tastes like?

I'll have you know that every morning--

Not countin' pop tarts!

Hey! Kids!

Having fun?

Yeah!

Well, the teen center is closed.

Get the hell out.

I suppose you know why I'm here, Carey.

To hit the last of my dreams over the head with a shovel?

You still have dreams?

No. I'm here about Wick and your cousin.

The point is, your cousin

is distracting Wick from his job.

He's not the bastard I hired.

And you're responsible. Split them up.

Or I'll be riding you like a carnival pony

at a children's birthday party.

Which is on the fifth, by the way.

Learn to canter.

[telephone ringing]

Carey residence.

No, he's not home from work yet. Can I take a message?

Oh! Kristen's mom.

How you doin'? It's Lewis.

That's right, the tall putty-nosed geek.

That's me, Mr. Beady Eyes.

Right. Ichabod Crane, alright. You know who I am.

Okay, now you're just being mean.

What? Kristen? Yeah, she's fine.

Well, let's just say she's been boning up on her English.

Okay. I'll-I'll tell her to call.

Bye-bye.

[knock on door]

Ashley Judd out of gas. Just this once. Come on, baby!

Oh! Hi, Mr. Wick.

Hello.

I've come to see Kristen.

Oh.

Hey, mind if I ask you something totally non-judgmental?

- Certainly. - Have you no shame?

Would you date your own sister?

She's 18 years old, for God sakes.

Jealous?

[scoffs] A little.

Mr. Wick...

...I'm glad you're here. Listen, uh...

I've to talk about you and Kristen. This has to stop.

I mean, how would you like to see me gallop around a yard

with a six-year-old strapped to my back?

Why don't you just leave us alone?

Kristen?

How awkward a moment are you waiting for before you leave?

Well, this is a good one.

Oh, Nigel. Hey. What's up?

He's gonna tell you what's up.

Uh, I gotta go to the kitchen

and put the fleemer in the...

I knew you'd be missing me. So, so I brought a present.

A great big box ofNigel.

Oh-oh, I'm sorry, I got plans

of getting together with some friends tonight.

What? Are you saying that I wouldn't fit in?

No, I'm just saying you wouldn't be interested.

It's just a couple of guys I met down at the gym.

You're going out with guys?

Yeah. Yeah, Mark and Tom.

They go to Cleveland State.

College boys! Hey! I like 'em.

I like 'em a lot.

And Ol' Man River, he just keeps rollin' along.

I'll see ya later, Mr. Wick.

Wait! Uh, why don't I drive you?

The whole evening could be my treat.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

[shouting] Why? 'Cause I'll be interrupting your sexual intercourse?

Whoa! And the car goes into the crowd.

This is getting incredibly creepy.

I don't think we should see each other anymore.

Goodnight, Nigel.

Clock it! Time of death is 7:01. Hey.

"If you love something, let it go."

Ah, "Better to have loved and lost."

Drive carefully. Buckle up. Ta!

♪ Chick-a-boom chick-a-boom ♪

♪ Don't ya just love it ♪

♪ Chick-a-boom chick-a-boom ♪

♪ Don't ya just love it ♪

♪ Chick-a-boom chick-a-boom ♪

♪ Don't ya just love it ♪

♪ Chick-a-boom chick-a-boom boom-boom-boom ♪

["I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner]

Aw, crap!

Hey, get down off of there. No street shoes on my pool table.

Get down or I'm gonna hose you down.

No! No, no.

Not my hair.

The color will run down my neck.

Oh.

I can't believe we're ending like this.

We were so perfect together.

Perfect?

Hey, listen.

No offense, but you're a pathetic older guy

running after a girl who's younger than you

and doesn't even love you.

You're not Dustin Hoffman in "The Graduate."

You're Dennis Hopper in "Blue Velvet."

I'll just get my coat and leave.

Where is your coat?

I didn't bring one.

I just want you to bring her down for one last goodbye.

- Please. - Oh, well...

Alright. But that's it.

Hey, uh, Mr. Wick?

I-I hope this doesn't hurt

our relationship at work or anything.

Don't worry, I couldn't think any less of you.

Thank you, sir.

[knock on door]

One moment.

Yes?

Hey, we're Kristen's friends.

Are you the guy that's been bothering her?

She just called, said some British guy

won't leave her alone, and we're here to kick his ass.

[southern accent] British? Do I sound British to you, boy?

That fat four-eyed cradle robber is upstairs

botherin' yer girl as we speak.

(Drew) 'Come on, Kristen, open the door.'

'I just wanna talk.'

- It's time to go to work. - Yeah! Ha ha!

[grunting]

(Drew) 'Oh, hi. You must be--'

[thud]

[groaning]

Hey, Kristen called us over.

It wasn't our idea, okay?

And if you ever touch my little brother again

I'll forget I'm a lady.

[chuckles]