Original subtitles

(Lewis) So, uh, if this all works out...

- That'd be your bedroom. - Yeah.

You know, we're not just talking about roommates here.

We're talking about a partnership.

Are you ready for that kind of commitment?

[chuckles] Who's he?

- Uh, he-he's my ex. - Huh?

- Roommate, roommate. - Oh.

He's, uh, he's moved on

but we're still social.

Well, I'm just looking for place to, you know

drink beer, shoot pool, hang out.

Oh, if you like to drink beer

you've come to the right place, my friend. Heh.

[mumbles] Come on.

Tim! Let there be beer!

And it was good.

Wow! You're right over a bar!

He's gonna raid over a blonde.

Uh, scatter frosty mug.

I'll bet she could make my sloe gin fizz.

[laughs]

You got that right.

(Lewis) 'Oh.'

Well, thanks for coming.

We'll let you know.

Thank you. Thank you.

That's the fifth guy you've turned away.

Uh, he didn't have a brain in his head.

How long do you think you can live with that?

- You're right. Heh-he. - Ha-ha.

Him and his stupid jokes.

"Sloe gin fizz." I'd like to twist his top off, pour him out.

[laughing]

If you can bottle that and get another guy to drink it...

- I'd have a new roommate. - Ha-ha.

[knock on door]

- Door. - Door.

♪ Oh Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes ♪

[groans]

Hey, Lewis. Did you order a drunken idiot?

Out of my way, Hardly Boys.

This is an emergency.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't leave your empties here.

Yeah, take him back to your house.

Yeah, can't you, uh, scratch out an extra room

with your hind claws?

[laughing]

The spin is rooming.

Well, I'm out of here. I'm gonna go back downstairs

and find Mr. Right.

Anyone named Mr. Right, run!

Hi, you mind if I, uh, sit here?

No, sit.

My lucky chair.

One night I sat in here all night drinking

and I didn't fall out of it.

[laughs]

Yeah, I'm kind of a regular here. It's my second home.

So, I guess you drink a lot.

Only enough to kill the pain.

[laughing]

See, uh, normally I play this out a little longer

but I better stop you right now.

Oh, you got a boyfriend, huh?

No, I'm a professional.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm probably scaring away business.

Uh--

I'm a dating consultant.

Yeah, yeah. I hear ya. Everybody wants a title.

[stutters] No.

What I do is, watch your social intercourse and evaluate it.

Let me ask you straight out. Are you a hooker or not?

[laughing]

It's a-it's a shame for you I'm not.

Because your approach with women would work well on hookers.

What's a "Evaludate?"

Wow, you really are like a dating consultant.

Hmm-mm. It's only $250 for a six week course.

If you're interested, give us a call.

Listen, Drew Carey does not pay $250 to learn how to meet women.

Drew Carey meets one woman

spends a $1000 on an engagement ring for her.

She dumps him and he comes here. That's what Drew Carey does.

[Nigel screaming]

[crashing]

What the...

Lewis, there's something terribly wrong with your toilet.

♪ Ah ah ah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with their crimson lips ♪

♪ Go Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin ♪

♪ Go Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[echoing] Ohio!

[instrumental music]

I can't believe, it's 8 o'clock on a Saturday night...

...and I'm already done with my ironing.

Oh, what am I saying? I'm not done.

[knocking on door]

Hey, Drew.

Whatcha doing?

Oh, you know, guy stuff. Watching a war movie.

Is that "Shirley Temple?"

Uh-huh.

Her dad's a confederate officer

and that guy is a union soldier.

And Shirley is the spunky little ragamuffin

who just might bring 'em together.

Wow! Look at her little legs go.

[inaudible clapping]

It's Saturday night and you're watching "Shirley Temple."

That must mean, it's...

Yeah, it's quarter to sad.

Hey, believe me, if I had something better to do...

Hey, did you ever hear this place, uh, "Evaludate?"

I'm thinking of checking them out.

Two hundred and fifty bucks?

Geez, I would tell my bad dates what was wrong with them

just for a dinner and a movie.

Well, there's dinner, there's a movie. Let's go.

Okay. Let's pretend...

...we're on a first date.

It's that awkward time before they bring the menus

where we have to make small talk.

[plastic crackling] Okay.

What do you say?

If you don't have sex with me, then I'm gonna blow my head off.

See, I wouldn't call attention to your head.

Right. Got it. Okay, uh...

Gee, you look lovely.

And I really like your haircut that way.

- Thank you. - 'Yeah.'

You can see a lot more of your face now.

[stammering] Excuse me?

Are you saying I got a lot of face?

No, I'm just saying it stands out more now with the hair.

Are you saying I got a big a face

and it's like bursting out of my hair?

No, your face is in perfect proportion

to the rest of your body.

So, now you're saying I got a big ass?

'Cause we know I got the big face.

Listen, you got a perfect face, a beautiful body. Just...

Come on, let me see that big old Jack-o'lantern smile of yours.

I can't believe in 30 seconds

you made me crazy about the way I look.

Is this what you've been doing to women?

You need professional help. You should go to Evaludate.

Good thing I didn't say anything about those

toboggans she calls feet.

As big as my foot might be

I might loose it where I'm about to bury it.

[instrumental music]

- Hey, doofus. - Hey, freakshow.

You know, I've been meaning to talk to you

about you marrying O'Brien.

I think she's in love with Drew.

What? What makes you say that?

Well, I saw them going at it in the copy room, stark naked.

I think it was Kate under there.

All I saw were two hands sticking out

from underneath him going...

Well, that's what my Katey Bear does.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, well, there's my date. Gotta go.

Wait.

You can't just walk away after saying that.

Yes, I can. It was just stuff I made up to screw with you.

Now that I know what O'Brien does in bed

I'm gonna use it against her at work.

Thanks, doofus.

Drew. Relax. Relax.

Joining Evaludate is gonna be the best money you ever spent.

I hope so, because my date's right over there.

Now, listen. How do you actually observe the date?

I mean, do you have to sit at the table with me

or do I have to strike out so loud

you can hear me in the back?

[chuckles] No.

Just tell her that we're...

...we're out of town business associates

and you don't know us that well.

Okay, huh.

- Hi, Robin. How are you? - Hey. Good to see you.

This is Sue and Bill. They're...

...my out of town business associates.

I don't know them that well.

You look lovely.

I compare you to the other women in the room

but I can't even see them.

[chuckles] Drew. That's so sweet.

(Drew) 'How about we order us some drinks?'

Oh. Uh, I don't drink.

Oh, I guess I got my work cut out for me, huh?

[laughs]

♪ I can go the bath with the door open ♪

♪ I live all alone ♪

[toilet flushing]

♪ I can walk on the couch ♪

♪ And no one yells at me ♪

♪ No one no one no one no one ♪

♪ I can drink milk from the carton ♪

♪ 'Cause no one's here to care ♪

Oh.

[spitting]

"Expired in March."

♪ Never drink milk ♪

♪ Always stick to beer ♪

[knock on door]

♪ Who's that? Who's that? Who's that? ♪

♪ Who's that? Who's that? ♪

Lewis, old boy.

This is my friend, Burbary.

Would you mind sitting over here for a moment my dear

while I talk to my friend, Lewis?

What are you doing here?

Uh, do you mind if I crash at your place again?

I believe I'm too inebriated to drive.

Oh, no, you just wanna use my bedroom

to have a one night stand. No.

One night? That's quite a commitment.

I was thinking just maybe an hour or two.

No, I don't want strangers having sex

in my bed unless I'm one of them.

Would, uh...

...fifty dollars change your mind?

Twenty bucks would change my mind.

Fifty gets you a photographer.

A hundred gets you no photography.

[instrumental music]

[door opens]

Oh, man. Listen, this is probably not Evaludate.

- I-I-I wanna go home. - No.

Drew, you are home.

Oh.

Excuse me.

But I think you're as beautiful as Emissary Dax

on "Deep Space Nine."

Thank you.

Don't be such a spod, Dax is a hot chick

with an old man worming her head. Okay.

All I'm saying, Twink, that she's in 7-of-9's league.

Yeah, well, 7-of-9 couldn't carry your cybernetic implant.

Okay. Well, I can listen to this

for about, oh, two minutes.

And I just did. So, goodbye.

- Uh-- - No.

So, uh, what's a guy like you need to take

a dating class for, huh?

Oh, who me? I'm-I'm one of those guys who doesn't realize

how... attractive they are.

- Oh. - Yeah.

That's what my mom says about me. Heh.

Wouldn't it be great if you could marry your mom?

I'm sorry. I can't hear you in my force field.

Huh?

Oh. Uh, hello. Hi.

(Sue) Class, I would like to welcome

all of our returning members back to Evaludate.

Um, tonight we have a new member, Drew.

Would you like to stand up and introduce yourself to the group?

Not for all the money on the world.

Okay, let's start with the progress report

from one of our returning students.

Who would like to tell us about a date they've had?

- 'Theodore.' - Yeah. Ahem.

Um, I, uh...

I-I asked out this girl who I work with.

Um, took her to an IMAX movie.

Um, "History of Flights."

- Hey, I've taken dates there. - 'Yeah.'

Oh, man.

Then I brought her to dinner and I did this staring thing

that you taught us but I don't think she liked it.

I-t's not staring. It's making eye contact for five seconds.

It establishes a connection.

Oh, well, I-I thought if, um...

...yeah I-I thought if uh, for five seconds was good

then five minutes, she'll be all over me, mm?

Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, thanks. Thanks.

Uh, who can tell me what mistake Theodore made? Drew.

You don't stare at anything for five minutes

unless it's a rattlesnake or a pie waiting to cool.

Would you mind if we went over the date I observed

to teach the class a few things?

Oh, you wanna use me as an example?

- Yeah. - Oh.

[chuckles] I can see why, I mean...

Kinda like a magician showing the audiences tricks, but, uh...

Yeah, what the heck? Alright.

Good. Because we had a hidden camera and I videotaped it.

What?

Past 11 years at the same crappy job

and I still haven't saved a dime.

Don't stop it there. I mean, rewind it a little bit.

You'll see that she asks me

how come my suit looks so cheap.

And I was just explaining to her.

Well, but you could have put a better spin on it.

Yeah, yeah. Spin, spin.

I mean, that's like the first thing that we learnt.

Example, I am not a video store clerk.

I'm a film-brarian.

So, let's see how the rest of Drew's date went.

[tape forwarding]

(Drew on TV) Do you see anything? I think I sat on something wet.

I sat on some beer!

I was just trying to make sure that's what it was.

You don't smell your pants on a date, you Dortmunder.

[snickers]

You call your mom and have her bring you a fresh pair.

Do you believe this guy?

[laughing]

Class, class, Drew was nice enough to let us use this

as a teaching exercise.

So, uh, there's no need for name calling.

Let's see how dinner went.

Hey, uh, you know before our salad's get here

I was wondering, maybe, uh, do you wanna

go on another date, tomorrow night?

[scoffs] Probably not.

[fork thuds]

Let's fast forward to dessert.

[tape forwarding]

Okay.

Anyone?

You don't ask for another date before the salad arrives.

His head's too big.

He looks like my dad.

And-and now for the goodnight kiss.

You know damn well there was no goodnight kiss, you bastards.

I can't believe I'm paying good money and if you might recall...

...I haven't saved a dime, to come here and get humiliated.

Oh, man. My payday melted.

[laughing]

[laughing]

Fine. Go ahead and laugh.

But, you know, I've been engaged.

So if you've been engaged, just keep on laughing.

[laughing continues]

And we had sex!

And it wasn't in a chatroom!

[laughter stops]

I thought so.

[instrumental music]

Well, somebody's looking a little down in the snout.

What's the matter? Did you just realize

that BLT's are made out of you?

[laughs]

Look, I don't wanna argue, Mimi.

I just got ripped off by a dating place and...

...so just take your shots and get out of your face.

You mean get out of your face.

No.

You know, I never could relate to those dating service things.

I mean, every time I break up with a guy

I know there would be ten more banging on my door.

Gee, I wish I had a self esteem as out of whack as yours.

Fine. If you don't wanna talk about it, okay.

I'm s-I'm sorry. I just...

I'm beginning to doubt everything about myself.

I mean, first, my engagement breaks off.

Then I get laughed out of a dating class

by a bunch of geeks. I mean, I don't know

what the hell is wrong with me anymore.

You're just having a tough month, Drew. Stay strong.

Oh, thanks Mimi. That's really...

Wait a second.

You're being nice to me. I can't have sunk that low.

Come on, take a shot.

Keep your chin up, Drew.

You mean chins, don't you? Chins up!

Take care, buddy.

Oh, yeah? I-I don't need you.

I-I don't need you to call me fat-ass or stupid

or impotent to feel good about myself.

I can get a date anytime I want to.

Hi. How much of that did you hear?

[instrumental music]

Look, I came to the Better Business Bureau

to put these people out of business.

Look at this-this so called home hair cutter.

Look what it did to me.

We'll contact the business and if they don't respond

we'll put them on our warning list.

Thank you.

Don't worry, brother.

We're gonna get those bastards.

- Can I help you? - Yeah, hi.

My name is, uh, Drew and, uh...

...it's this business that made me a lot of promises

they couldn't deliver and I-I wanna get my money back. Ahem.

What kind of business was this?

Uh, hey. Can I...

...maybe talk to a guy about this?

Oh...

Um, if this is about the men's enhancement device...

...we can refer you to a team of doctors

who are working on a special sling.

What? Oh, no. No.

[sighs] It was a... uh...

It was this dating consultant place.

Uh, Evaludate.

And it costs me 250 bucks. I didn't learn a thing.

And it was just a lousy, humiliating experience.

Oh, you poor guy.

You have no idea how poor.

Been with the same crappy job for 11 years, I s...

...still haven't saved a dime.

Psst. You're doing it again, you idiot. She's cute.

Don't put yourself down. Spin. Spin.

Uh, when I say I haven't saved a dime

I meant, it's because I poured all my money

into my business and a very expensive operation

for my handicapped dog...

...who I-I love... very much.

Aw!

It worked.

Chicks love dogs. Jump on her.

Uh, I don't know why I'm spending

all this time talking about myself.

[coughs]

Ah, ah, ah! Don't look at it.

Just cross your legs and wipe it on your sock.

Uh, maybe we should get back to your complaint.

You're losing her.

Do something from class.

Stare at her. Stare at her.

Uh, I'll tell you one thing I have no complaints about

is those... blue eyes of yours, um...

[Drew chuckles] 'I'm sorry, it was just..'

...so pretty, it's distracting.

(Drew) One Mississippi.

Two Mississippi.

You know, from any other guy that'd sound like a line

but, from you, I think you really mean it.

Thank you.

(Drew) Andfive Mississippi.

Hey, uh, you know I was just thinking, uh...

...I haven't eaten yet. Maybe you'd like to go to lunch.

Actually, I-I brought my lunch today.

Oh, well. That's cool.

Listen, just uh, here's my card.

Just give me a call when you hear from the company.

Uh, wait a minute.

It would be kind of nice to get out. Do you mind?

No. Let's go.

Should I bring these forms?

[scoffs] You know what?

Life's too short for that kind of stuff.

How about we just forget it?

Man, I'm... really glad this is working out.

I was kind of worried there for a second.

I mean, I-I really think we should make

definite plans for this weekend.

We can go the Imax and see "History of Flight."

They have everything there from the Wright Brothers

all the way up to the space shuttle.

I like to sit in the front row.

You know I'm just remembering an office rule.

Employees can't date...

- ...you! - Sorry.

[instrumental music]

He... he's grinding me again.

Theodore, don't hold Drew so close.

♪ I live all alone ♪

♪ I can do whatever I want ♪

[thudding]

♪ I'm clearly five years old ♪

♪ And pretending I'm a robot ♪

[thuds]

♪ And no one yells at me ♪

[Lewis screams]

[crashes]

[clattering]

- Hi, there. - Hey.

Hey. How's the roommate hunt going, buddy?

Oh, not too good. There's a lot of real nut jobs out there.

Yeah.