Original subtitles

Hey, thanks for coming over at such short notice.

How's it looking there?

(Sharon) You do know this is a dryer, right?

'Course I know it's a dryer.

Okay, I'm just trying to figure out

why there's cheese in your lint trap.

We were drunk, we had pizza mix

blow dryer was taking too long.

That's the most stupid thing I ever heard.

Not for long. I haven't finished the story yet.

Can't wait.

Well, see, we were makin' pizza in the dryer

'cause we were already making ashtrays in the oven

and a Tupperware sculpture in the microwave.

[laughing]

Did I mention we were drunk?

Don't feel bad. I get a lot of calls like this.

Yeah, well, listen before you go round the neighborhood

telling everybody that Drew Carey's a drunken lunatic

I just want to tell you that we were drunk last night

'cause we were celebrating.

Oh, yeah? What for?

Oh, I finally made the last payment on a engagement ring

I bought for this woman who dumped me.

You want see it? It's sitting in the freezer.

Is it still on her finger?

- Hey, Drew. - Hey, Drew.

Oh, hey, everybody. This is, uh, Sharon.

She came here to fix all the stuff we broke last night.

We're really sorry about that, Drew.

Can she do anything about the VCR?

- You broke the VCR? - No.

I was thinkin' that the VCR was sad because, um

the dryer was broken because they're friends and stuff.

I got go tally this up. And I'm not just saying this

'cause it's good for business...

...party on!

Wow! Nice looking handyman.

Yeah. Did she borrow your tool?

[laughing]

You mean my penis?

Yeah, she used my penis to fix the dryer.

Well, you weren't so high and mighty last night

when you were wrestling the dog in your boxer shorts.

I never did that.

Who did?

Who cares who did it? What is this? A witch-hunt?

That's it, Drew, no more broken hearts.

I can't handle the drinking anymore.

Last night I thought I was cheating on Oswald.

- Luckily, it was just Oswald. - Yeah.

I was a sailor called Pablo.

Hey, you know, I think Drew should

get right back on the horse, uh?

And right out there is a handywoman who has seen

and apparently accepts how creepy he lives.

- Yeah. - Would you let it go?

- Let him get over Nicki. - Hey, I'm over Nicki.

I realized that last night when I was sittin' here

feeling bad for myself thinkin'

"Man, I am the biggest loser in the world."

Then I saw Lewis out in the backyard wrestling with Speedy.

Would you drop it, okay?

At the time, I thought he was a grizzly.

Excuse me for saving your house.

So, if you're so over Nicki

why don't you ask the handywoman out?

Would you give it a rest? He was just engaged.

If we broke up would you be dating in less than a month?

I wouldn't... but Pablo might.

Alright, Drew. Here's your bill.

And about the VCR, I took off ten bucks

'cause I found a porno tape in there.

I'm keepin' it.

Well, this isn't so bad.

Are you always this reasonable

or you just do a crappy job?

I think she gave you an "I like you" discount.

Come on, honey, there's something

I want to show you in the car.

No, there isn't. You just want to yell at me.

We don't call it yelling. What do we call it?

"Stuff I should know by now."

Hey, look, uh, my friends mean well.

I don't want you to take this the wrong way or anything

but I'm-I'm not looking to meet anybody right now, sorry.

That's okay.

You're not my type anyway.

Well, I was just about to tell you the same thing.

But right before you said it.

[chuckling] Good. 'Cause I'm not interested.

- Neither am I. - Okay.

I just want to make sure you realize

I was not flirting with you.

I'm sorry, I find you dull and uninteresting.

Did you say somethin'?

Yeah, I was just fantasizing about a real man. Bye.

I still got it!

(Sharon) 'No, you don't.'

♪ Ah ♪

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with their crimson lips ♪

♪ Go Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin ♪

♪ Going Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[echoing] Ohio.

Carey, I saw the flyers you posted around the store.

(Nigel) '"Engagement ring for sale."'

Why not just write, "Pathetic Loser" everywhere?

Any other broken dreams you're looking to sell?

Perhaps an unopened box of condoms.

I know you aren't familiar with American culture

but our customs dictate that I pop you in the mouth

next time you say somethin' like that.

I'm game. Although I must warn you

my screams can be quite ear piercing.

I'm sure you're not bragging, sir, but unless you want to

buy the engagement ring, I have to get back to work.

Well, let's see it then.

You're getting engaged, sir?

Well, for the weekend at least. Although I sense

we will be growing apart by Sunday.

I'm not selling it to you, this means a lot to me.

I'm not going to sell it you just so you can get lucky.

Fine! Then let it be on your head that this poor woman

slept with me and got absolutely nothing out of it!

Mm. Here you go, pig.

Any luck unloading that ring that you got back

'cause your girlfriend dumped ya?

Do you always have to add

"'Cause your girlfriend dumped ya?"

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you in a bad mood

'cause your girlfriend dumped ya?

Yeah, sure, it's easy for you.

I mean... you have all kind of admirers.

Look at those flowers.

Oh, what kind of fool do you think I-oh!

Ah. Ha-ha.

No card.

Could be somebody shy.

Could be somebody don't know how to write.

Could be a secret admirer.

Could be Super Glue.

You'll pay for this, pig.

Hey, it's midnight in the garden of mean and ugly.

- Hey, Drew. - Hey.

Hey, Drew, we're going to lunch, you wanna come?

Ah, yeah, I'd love to but I have to work.

So you guys go ahead without me.

Uh, hey, Drew.

When, uh, when you borrowed my super glue

was this what it was for?

- Yeah. - That's a good gag.

Sorry, I'm late, Drew. I got your call on my pager.

I got here as soon as I could. What's the problem?

Oh, uh, Sharon, I'll be right with you.

My friends are just about to leave.

Oh, I get it, you-you got work to do.

With the handyman.

I guess Drew got tired of "Do It Yourself".

[laughing]

Excuse me, do you think you're hiding?

No, I'm in bloom.

Sorry, my friends make a bad first impression.

But, it's an accurate one. Ahem.

Sharon, this is the chair I'm having trouble with right there.

Can you-would you excuse us?

Don't tell me you needed Sharon

to come over here and fix your chair.

The store has tons of maintenance people.

Oh, you know how long it takes those guys

to get here after you call them? I mean...

Hey, Mr. Carey.

Have anything you need done today?

No thanks, Jimmy.

You want me to just hang out, wait around

in case somethin' breaks?

Get the hell out of here, Jimmy.

Alright.

Drew, you're on the rebound

and you're real vulnerable right now.

Just take it slow. Don't get too attached.

Don't worry, I just want somebody

I can do couple stuff with.

I mean, you have Oswald, Lewis has Pinky.

I just want-it'd be fun to have someone to hang around with.

But, Drew, it's not a good idea--

Uh-uh, have a good time at lunch. Bye.

Boy, the springs are shot.

Did a safe fall on this thing?

Listen now, the chair really is broken.

But that's not the real reason I called you up here.

Oh. Listen, uh, you're a really nice guy--

Hey, before you try to guess where this is going.

Yes, I'm gonna ask you out, but, only as a friend.

Oh, so that's why the engagement didn't work out.

Sure, I'll be your friend.

I always wanted a gay friend.

I'm not gay. Look at me, I'm not in that kind of shape.

So, you just wanna be friends?

Yeah, I just thought it would fun

to go out with somebody, who won't fall in love with me

I won't fall with them.

You know, just no pressure.

Just two friends, out, having fun.

- Fun, huh? - Yeah.

Wanna talk about this over lunch?

Yeah, but I gotta warn you, I don't talk much

while I'm eating.

Give me a moment while I try to react with surprise.

Hey, you're funny.

You like flowers? Come here.

[instrumental music]

You know, at first I thought painting Easter eggs

is gonna be a drag. But it's actually kinda fun.

Hey, guys, I got the prettiest girl on the block.

A-wooga!

Uh, come on, come on.

More painting, less talking, okay?

If we don't get this to Reverend Linderman

there's gonna be a whole bunch of kids walking around

the church lawn and filling their Easter baskets

full of dog poop.

- Pinky, can I have another egg? - Sure.

What's that new drug your testing for Drugco again?

[splat]

Oh, yeah, the one that alters your sense of distance.

Oh, honey, honey, I'm really sorry.

- Pinky. - Oh.

I'm right here.

Everything's okay.

Oh, God, thanks, honey.

[beer splattering]

Uh, try drinking

six feet behind your head.

There you go.

Uh, I gotta drop these off with the Reverend's.

- Hmm, here. - Here you go.

[thuds]

Well, I 'm gonna go finish tightening up that banister.

Is there somethin' else you wanted me to do?

Uh, yeah. Can you...

...take the lid off the mayonnaise jar

but just loosen it, so I can open it up

in front of my friends?

- Oh. - Sorry.

- Ah. - I'm sorry.

- Oh! I'm sorry. - Ow!

How long are these effects gonna last?

Oh, about a week.

Uh, you know what? Maybe you shouldn't come over tonight.

- Sex could be dangerous. - I'm not--

I'm sorry, it just, it looked like that sleeve

was about ten feet long.

To hell with danger.

[soft thud]

Hey, the banister's all tightened.

Thanks, how much do I owe you?

Tell you what?

No charge, if you give me

an honest answer about something.

Okay. Uh...

Even though I've never seen that color in nature

I think your hair looks great.

Uh, no. I was gonna ask...

...is there something about me, that puts guys off?

- I-I have this date later. - Oh.

And, he cancelled.

He said he had to work late.

People have to work late. It's happened to me tons of times.

I can't tell you, how many women I've gone out with, that said

they had to work late- oh, I see what you mean.

This isn't the first time. I mean, I get cancelled on.

Or I go out once and I never hear from the guy again.

Well, I don't know, you're kinda tough

but, I like that.

And it can't be your looks

'cause you're really cute, I mean...

Heh, man, you're adorable.

I am not.

[giggles]

Yeah, yeah, you are.

You know what, hey, to hell with anybody who stands you up, huh?

I'm here, you're here. We got music.

What music?

[swing music]

I usually do this by myself.

You are doing it by yourself.

- Oh, yeah. - No, look.

You're having such a good time. Don't let me spoil it.

- He-he. - Come on, it's fun.

[pager beeping] Hold on, I got a page.

Hey, the date's back on.

He got off work. Isn't that great?

Yeah. That-that's really great.

Hey, I'll-I'll call you later.

Drew, uh, what can I say?

You're a bud.

Swing music. What was I thinking?

Next time, reggae.

♪ We're jammin' we're jammin' ♪

♪ Look out we're jammin' ♪

[instrumental music]

Hey-hey, Sharon.

Yeah, it's me, hey.

How you doing?

How'd the date go?

Oh, it's still goin' on.

Oh, listen, I'm really, I'm really sorry to call you

but, I-I have a little emergency over here.

I think, there's a leak in one of my pipes.

Yeah, oh, well, maybe, you better come over.

Yeah, hey, I'm really sorry.

Thanks.

Man, I hate ruining her date.

Oh yeah, I gotta break a pipe.

[reggae music]

[knock on door]

Comin'.

What are you guys doing here?

We came back to get all the egg dye stuff.

All the eggs broke when I slammed

on the brakes of my car.

Excuse me, for wanting to stop.

But there was a 400 foot Jesus in the middle of the road.

I thought it might be important.

It was a four inch Jesus.

And he was on the dashboard of my car.

That is no reason to shove those huge breasts in my face.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Wait a sec.

Cool clothes, candle light, reggae music.

I know what's goin' on here.

You're gettin' on the "Ganja Train."

No, I'm not gettin' on the "Ganja Train"

but I do have company coming over so, get the stuff

and take it over to Lewis's place.

Oh, this company wouldn't be your friend Sharon, would it?

Yeah, it's Sharon, but it's not a date.

She's coming over to fix a leak in one of my pipes.

(Oswald) Let me guess.

Is it your love pipe?

You're 35 years old.

When are you gonna start using the word "penis"?

I made you say it.

[laughing]

Drew, you're not fooling anybody.

You are expecting a woman.

You and your cheeks sucked in.

You know the way you think makes you look like Marky Mark.

I wasn't expecting a woman. I was expecting Speedy.

They you are, buddy. Time for your dance lesson, boy.

Ah.

How come Speedy's all wet?

[gasps] Oh, my God!

[water gushing]

Oh, my God. How could this have happened?

It was just a little hole in the pipe leaking into a bucket.

You busted a pipe just to get Sharon to come over here?

Do you realize how stupid that sounds?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my house sinking.

- Ooh. - Ah.

Oh, hey, it's my barbells.

I don't want them to rust.

[inhales]

Let go of the weights.

[Lewis grunts]

Boy, I really got to start working out again.

I can't stop the leak.

Where's the shut-off valve?

It's right where my dad said it was.

Oh, he's right. I wasn't paying attention.

I-I-I'll go find it.

Oh, man, my baseball mitt...

...my teddy bear.

Family photo album, my only picture of grandma.

Hey, Drew, look. Your dad's old Playboys.

No!

Drew, you can't lift. Those are wet.

They must weigh over 300 pounds.

- Ah. - Wow.

He's like that woman who lifted the car off her child.

Yeah.

Oh! Something's got my foot.

- What? - Oh!

Quick. Give me a knife.

[groaning]

- Ah! - Aaaah!

You cut my hose, you psycho.

You're almost seven feet tall. You could have just sat up.

Holy crap. I thought you said it was a little leak.

Oh, hey, Sharon. Glad you could make it.

You look nice. Can I get you a drink?

No. Thanks, Drew.

You, go rent a sump pump.

You, go help your hysterical girlfriend.

She's already unscrewed about 15 sprinkler heads.

Hey, after this

let's go wear ourselves in our wet pants.

You read my mind.

Thought they'd never leave.

Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, uh, want to see my old wrestling trophy?

I know it looks like a guy eating a pie

but he's really wrestling with it.

Kinda busy, Drew.

Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.

[water splashing]

Hey, look at me. I'm a fountain.

That's cute, but I should warn you

there's a possibility some of that could be sewage.

[spits]

Looks like somebody's been bangin' on this pipe.

What kind of nut would do a thing like that?

[Drew singing gibberish]

Hey, you don't speak Spanish either.

I can also play "Cherish".

Drew.

You don't wanna just be friends anymore, do you?

No.

And this wasn't an accident, was it?

No.

And you haven't taken accordion lessons

in a long time, have you?

I taught myself.

[accordion music]

[sighs] Drew, this is really sweet.

But, I gotta tell you. You're a real--

- Now don't say "nice guy." - Pain in the ass.

Thank you.

Okay, look, at first, I did just want to be friends.

But, then, somethin' happened and I wanted to...

...see if you felt the same way that I felt

but, judging by that "I wonder if he'll believe

I'm a lesbian look on your face..."

...I guess you don't.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna fix this all this

and I'm gonna do it at cost.

We're not gonna date.

You asked for it.

Ladies and gentlemen... "Cherish".

[accordion music]

Hey, that's not Cher-- Hey! I can play "Lady of Spain"!

[accordion music]

Hey, Cap'n. Mind if I board?

Yeah, but I can only take you as far as the furnace.

After that, it's international waters.

I heard your song.

She didn't go for it, huh?

Yeah, but you know what throws me?

She didn't go for me at all

and I was cute as hell.

Let me tell you something, Drew. If we were dating

and you did something like that for me

I would be yours forever.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Let me ask you something, you gotta promise

you'll never tell Oswald I asked you this.

But... if we were alone in this boat

in the middle of the ocean and we were trapped...

...would you let me, you know

play "Lady of Spain"?

No. But we can have sex.

Keep it in your pants, O'Brien.

[accordion music]

[instrumental music]

[both screaming]

[laughing] What?

I thought you'd be happy I returned your hockey mask

and knife.

You did that on purpose.

[laughing] Okay.

But that's no reason to go nibblin' my toes.

How could I be nibblin' your toes?

I'm sitting on the boat.

[yelling]

Help! Ah, ah.

It's always fun 'til somebody gets eaten.