Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Good evening, and, uh, welcome to the

"Drew Carey Show", April Fools contest.

Now it's real easy.

All you gotta do is get a pencil ready

and look for all the stuff that's wrong with the show.

It's like that thing you did, when you were a kid

with the pictures.

No, no, no, not that thing. Not those pictures.

It's like, uh, what's wrong with this picture.

Now, here's an example. Lewis, come on, out here.

What? You figured that out already?

So let's start watchin'.

The game begins right now.

Attention, attention please.

Could I have everybody's attention?

My harassment suit against Winfred-Softer has been settled.

So I won't be delivering your mail anymore.

[cheering] Shut up!

So if your missin' any important mail

you can get it at the Welcome Back Mimi We Love You Lunch

that you'll be throwing me this Friday

in the good restaurant upstairs.

Oh, by the way, thank you for dipping into the Christmas fund

and but me a new VCR. You really shouldn't have.

But you know, you better!

we're back guys, everybody grab your old seats.

Ah, Mimi, at last it's finally here.

The day I've been waiting for, for so long.

Hey, if you really wanna welcome me back

nothin' says hello like a nice warm tongue bath.

Oh, no, no.

No, I mean, Mrs. Louder and the board

are flying to the head office in Kiyoto this mornin'.

I finally get that woman and her castrated sheep of a voice

out of my hair for a while.

Wick, Wick!

Is that the flutter of angel wings I heard?

Damn right, you did.

Now, I'm on my way to the airport.

And I just want you to know that

I'm placing a huge responsibility

on your pasty little girl shoulders.

Don't worry, Mrs. L, the stores in good hands.

I know that, I'm talking about my cat.

And here's my house key.

And a test kit.

- Test kit? - Yes.

Lord Fauntleroy's had some digestive problems.

His eliminations need to be monitored very closely.

And another immigrant's dreams come true.

Have a good flight.

Into a mountain.

How does it feel, not to be man enough

to say somethin' to somebody's face?

Walk away and I'll tell ya.

No, stay there, Bobeck.

I want you to see this.

I'm finally free to fire someone the way I always dreamed.

Johnson!

Johnson, you're fired.

Unless you can shoot this apple from my head.

Using this, crossbow.

By the way, Johnson, I saw your wife yesterday.

At least I thought it was your wife

the divider came down before I could put in another quarter.

No, I'm not gonna mince words with you.

You've always had more looks than brains.

This is ridiculous.

Don't worry, I've rigged the crossbow.

When he pulls the trigger, all that's going to happen

is a little flag will come down saying you're fired.

[laughing]

Why are you such an evil bastard?

When you know what it does to me.

Are you ready, Johnson?

'Ready.'

'Aim.'

'Fire!'

[Nigel laughing]

[Nigel screaming]

Yeah, 8-1-1?

Yeah, I have a guy with an arrow in his...

- Hey, is that arrow in your-- - Yes!

Yeah, it's in his, uh, goody bag.

[theme music]

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with the crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin goin' ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Ohio ♪

Man, I'm tellin' you, you've never seen anything like it.

Mr. Wick didn't want me to pry the arrow loose

so they had to take the hinges off the door

and they carried him right through the store on it.

Yeah, it wasn't good for business.

All though we did sell out of athletic cups.

Poor guy, that's harsh.

Oh, shh, shh, shh.

Hello, Mr. Wick.

Oh, this is your one remaining testicle calling.

I'll miss me, mate.

How'd he sound?

Not too happy.

That's understandable, he's probably a little testy.

Well, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Makin' prank phone calls to a guy who just took

an arrow through his scrotum.

Without askin' him if papa's gonna get a brand new bag.

Oh, nuts.

Just a sack.

Takin' an arrow through the most sensitive part of your body.

I can't imagine a pain worst than that.

Oh, here it is.

If there is a house behind you.

I'd like to enter, please.

What do you want, Fifi?

Just got back from the hospital.

I have really really bad news about Mr. Wick.

He put you in charge of the store.

Obviously, he did do his thinkin' down there.

Oh, my gosh, I can't believe it, I'm finally gonna be in charge

of Winfred-Louder.

Only for a week or two.

Until he get's all his eggs back in one basket.

[laughing]

You get it? You got what I'm goin' for there?

That's terrible, Mimi.

The man has been through somethin' awful.

I'll be with you guys in a minute.

Anyways, statin' tomorrow, I'm workin' for you.

Don't think you can get all handsy on me.

Don't worry, boys, I would never do that to you.

Drew, this is fantastic, you finally get to be the boss.

Yeah, hey, I know just how we can celebrate too, huh?

It's time to stop aging and start drinking

the newest creation from Buzz Beer.

Yeah, I think it's gonna sell really well, down at the Berlin.

It's a combination of Buzz Beer and champagne.

And you call it booze?

No, no, monsieur, we call it booze.

You know, this is the chance I've been waitin' for.

I got till Mrs. Louder comes back next week

to prove that I got what it takes to be a leader.

Oh, hey, Speedy.

Well, you know, you, uh, you gotta a body like Buddha

billions of people follow him.

Yes, but Buddha doesn't do this.

Ow!

No, I think Buddha was more of a nuggie.

[grunting]

Man I hate it when we discuss religion.

I just wanna show people that I'm different, you know.

I want them see that I'm not a heartless bastard

like Mr. Wick.

I don't want 'em to go around scared

they're gonna be fired every second.

Hey, that's it!

What?

I'm not gonna fire anybody.

You mean without good reason.

No, nobody at all.

Startin' tomorrow, no one can get fired.

'See, I have this theory.'

You expect the best of people, and they'll give it to you.

You don't have to-to threaten people to motivate 'em.

You know that Drew maybe on to somethin'.

You know if I wasn't so scared of gettin' fired

every time I lost a package, I wouldn't have to hide out

in a bar all day.

Look at this. It's more cost efficient.

See, every time we fire somebody, we gotta pay this much

to train somebody new.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, we don't know how long

it's gonna take for the Booze to separate.

So here's to Drew, get's to be boss

as long as Wick's is in the hospital.

Here's to infection.

Here's to the worst tasting champagne we've ever had.

Oh, why'd we do that? It's horrible.

To learning from our mistakes.

[instrumental music]

Mimi, I need you to type up this memo for me.

Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Carey.

And here are your reports.

And your day planner.

And, by the way, I took the liberty

of bookin' a massage for ya, this afternoon.

Wait a second, you want me to believe that I'm gonna

lie down naked and nothing's gonna happen?

Does it ever?

But you know, this is on the up and up.

Um, I'm a professional.

If you'll just stand on that square, and sign these papers.

We'll start the day.

Wait a second, how come I have to stand on that square?

Oh, well, that's traditionally where the boss stands

to sign the papers.

Oh, I'll tell you what, why don't you stand on the square

and I'll stand next to you and sign it?

Oh, well, I guess you've outsmarted me then.

So, why don't you stand right there.

No!

Well, that oughta keep him out of my face

for another hour or so.

No, see that's what happens when people

operate out of... fear.

Which is exactly why I put out that "no firing" memo.

Carey, we got your memo about no more firing, is this a joke?

No, it's true, none of you can get fired.

I want you to feel free to achieve.

And take chances without worrying

that you gonna do the wrong thing.

From now on there is no wrong thing.

The only wrong thing is to think

that you're gonna do the wrong...

No, wait, that's a wrong thing.

There is no wrong thing.

Who do we love, everybody?

(all together) Drew!

Three cheers for the pig.

- Hip, hip. - Pig!

You know, even when you're on my side it hurts.

But looks like I'm a big hero.

So what do you think of that, Mimi?

I think you're finally standin' on the right square.

Wha... Oh, man I'm stuck.

Jokes on you, 'cause all I gotta do is bend down

and untie my shoe and I'll be outta here in a second.

Well, I guess I better take a picture quick then, huh?

That's right.

Smile for the folks back home.

[instrumental music]

Thanks for takin' us to the executive dining room, Drew.

It's fun to have people suck up to ya like that.

Yeah, I felt like a real big wig when that guy said

"Those rolls are free, you don't have

to stuff them in your pocket, sir."

Hey, Drew.

[indistinct chatter]

- Friends of Drew's. - Friends of Drew's.

- Known since college. - Seen him naked.

No big thing.

And this lunch is the employee's and I wanted to get you a gift

to show our thanks to the best boss in Cincinnati.

'You have mail.'

We couldn't come up with anything big so we all

decided to do a little somethin' on our own.

Uh, Tom the security guard said

he'll no longer operate his portable TV of your car battery.

Eight batteries in one year, I knew that wasn't right.

And Sally now swears she's gonna come up with much more

believable excuses as to why she won't go out with you.

Sally... Huh!

She's alive.

Lady, I've shown you five different make up mirrors.

I don't care if they simulate daylight

office light or any other light.

Only thing that's gonna help you with is midnight.

Now, take that face over to Macy's

where they still think the customer's number one.

What'd I gotta do? Throw a bone?

Thanks for shopping at Winfred-Louder.

Have a beautiful, beautiful day.

Hey, uh, where'd she go?

I wanted to ask her why sales in the housewares are down.

I swear to God, it's not as bad as it looks.

Ah, who am I kiddin', I'm fired, right?

Laurence, I'm very disappointed in you.

And I'm fired.

I put my 17 years on the line to give you job security

and you stab me in the back.

I don't know what to say. I'm crushed.

Hold on here, I heard blah, blah, blah

but I didn't hear fired.

I told you before, Larry, you can't get fired.

Wait, I know what's goin' on here

you're settin' up aren't you, Carey?

No, this isn't a game, you can't get fired.

- Not for this, either? - Nope.

Hmm, thanks.

You four eyed bastard.

You're not gonna spoil this, Larry.

One bad egg, and I used that analogy 'cause you're bald

is not gonna ruin for everybody else.

Now, these other people wanna work.

I suggest you join the club.

So, what I'm hearing is

there's nothing we can do here to get fired.

You hear that everybody?

There really is nothing we can do here to get fired.

Ever! Ever!

Drew, do you have a back up plan

incase somebody takes advantage, right?

Trust in human nature, Osborne.

People are basically good.

Hey, who wants to go up to the board room

and raid the wet bar to celebrate?

I think you'll find yourself alone in this, Larry.

Okay, you and Mark are alone.

You, Mark and Sally are alone.

You, Mark, Sally and Jamie are alone...

Okay, you're a crowd now.

But that crowd is alone.

[instrumental music]

Oh, yeah? And then what?

Okay. Good.

Yeah, talk to you later, bye. Sorry about that.

Look, uh, I know we're in unchartered territory here

you might not know where the boundaries are

so let me help you.

Taking an unauthorized 15 minute break, is not so bad.

But usin' it to pee of the buildin' is.

You know I almost hit the parking structure.

I don't care... Wow!

Nevertheless, what you did was wrong.

Now, I want you to listen to me and listen to me good.

You have lost my trust.

And I'm sorry to be so hard on ya but...

You're peein' on my feet now, aren't ya?

Got ya.

look, I'm, I'm sorry, buddy.

I, uh, I'll try and do better.

Oh!

We got big problems, Drew.

There's nobody in Shoes

they're runnin' wild in the Toy department.

And this is pretty much all that's left

of the Candy department.

Bitter orange?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Okay look, here's what we're gonna do.

The lifeline of the store is Toys.

Now they're gonna expect us to go through Shoes

'cause only an idiot would go through House Wares.

So what are we gonna do?

Go through Shoes?

No, we're gonna go through House Wares.

- Do you know why? - 'Cause we're idiots?

Right.

Let me just ask one question.

Why don't you go back on the no firing policy?

'Cause I still think I can make this work.

If I don't, I can kiss any chance

of me runnin' the store again, goodbye.

Well, I'm behind ya.

It ain't pretty, but I'm behind ya.

It's nice to know who your friends are in a crisis.

Yeah, it would be nice.

But that's not why I'm behind ya.

I'm behind ya 'cause the no firing policy is a good policy

and people take advantage of it then we're gonna lose it.

And that's not fair.

And I killed Mrs. Louder's cat.

Carey, I need to speak to you.

Right here, sir.

Mr. Wick, what are you doin' back so soon?

You're not well enough to work yet.

Why not? I feel a hundred percent.

[screaming]

Maybe next week.

Carey, I need your opinion on somethin'.

'Close your eyes, hold out your hand'

and tell me if this feels natural.

Oh, I can already tell you it doesn't, sir.

- Now squeeze. - Alright.

(Nigel) 'What's that feel like?'

I don't know, small plum maybe.

Mmm, it's a prosthetic testicle.

[screaming]

(Nigel) 'Carey, for God's sake, get it!'

'That's $300!'

Wow, only $300?

How much they charge for the brass ones?

No, it's all, it's all dusty now.

Why'd you make me touch it in the first place?

Well, it's too intimidatin' to ask a woman

and to embarrassing to ask a man so I asked you.

Well, I-I'd like to help you but I can't say, I mean

usually I'm doin' that kinda thing I have a beer in my hand

and the game's on.

(Nigel) 'Mimi, I don't want to worry you'

but your human covering has sprung a few leaks.

Well, I talked to 'em down in Toys.

Oh, how'd it go?

I'm covered in green slime you idiot.

They're out of control, you're on your own.

What the hell, Carey?

Oh, I, uh, instituted a couple of new policies.

Just fine tuning it a little bit.

Okay, it's, uh, it's sticky and fun now

you can go ahead and sell it.

I came down here because I was concerned

you might try to usurp my position.

I don't know what I was worrying about.

You don't have the cojone to do this job.

[instrumental music]

Well, this is fun butI better get back to work.

You know, I got a lot more packages to deliver.

Wait a minute, don't you get paid by the hour?

Oh, yeah, okay, one more game.

Drew, buddy, finally got the stick out of your butt

and you're playin' pool with it, good for you.

Listen, I didn't get my paycheck

have you signed them yet?

Sure, buddy, right there on my desk.

Ah, thanks man, this get's me back in the crabs game

in the station area.

Wait a second, what's the signature?

Who's "Dr. Mellow"?

I am, baby!

Now prescribe a new ten CC's of vitamin chill.

Drew, I'm kind of in a rush

I'm in the middle of a volleyball game

down in Shoes but, um, have you signed

my vacation request forms yet?

Hey, I'm tired of being the responsible one, okay?

I don't wanna be the hall monitor anymore.

I wanna be the stoner who get's the art teacher pregnant.

What the hell are you talkin' about, Carey?

Don't you get it, man? I'm on your side.

I think it's great. I agree with you.

So what if the store goes down and we all lose our jobs.

The important thing is we're having fun now, right?

- Yeah, you're right. - Yeah.

No, I'm not right, I was tryin' to prove a point.

What's wrong with you people?

Jesus, man, you'd let the store

just go to hell right around you?

You'd sit in your own dung heap, if nobody told not to.

Well, you know, you took away the rules, Drew.

They don't know how to act.

This is like the time we tried to treat Mr. Puddles

like a member of the family and let him eat Thanksgiving dinner

with us, before you know it, he's lickin' himself.

He mounted the turkey.

We realized he's not a member of the family.

He's one of grandpa's old army buddies.

Drew, Drew, Drew, I gotta talk to you quick.

I was in the parking lot playing volley ball with the others

and I saw Mrs. Louder gettin' out of her car.

She's not supposed to be yet.

[whistling]

She's on the escalator.

Quick, everybody get back to work, back to work.

Why, if the old bat get's mad

we'll just tell her it's all because of your stupid policy.

Besides, what are you gonna do? Fire us?

Uh, hey, you, stealin' the computer. What's your name?

- Johnson. - 'Of course.'

I got one thing to say to you, buddy, you are fired.

He's firing people again, party's over.

Let's get back to work.

Hey, I'm sorry, Drew, you know it's just a shame

people are always lookin' for a way to take advantage

on the job.

Well, I better re-pack this thing and get it delivered.

[instrumental music]

Well, this is fun.

How long has Drew actually had this Ping-Pong table anyway?

Oh, about a 130 years.

He's, uh, mother wouldn't let his father bring it in the house

after he got back from the Civil War.

Oh, yeah.

So anything new down at Farm Co.?

Nah, how's the world of brain surgery treatin' you?

Oh, you know, same old, same old.

Took out three brains, put in two.

So you wanna go to the Brown's game tonight?

Oh, yeah, wait a minute

the Brown's don't exist anymore.

You almost wrote that down, didn't you?

Ah, there it is.

It's all dusty again.