All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S03E22 - Whats Wrong with This Episode_ (1) (720p WEB-DL x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

[instrumental music]

Good evening,
and, uh, welcome to the

"Drew Carey Show",
April Fools contest.

Now it's real easy.

All you gotta
do is get a pencil ready

and look for all the stuff
that's wrong with the show.

It's like that thing you did,
when you were a kid

with the pictures.

No, no, no, not that thing.
Not those pictures.

It's like, uh,
what's wrong with this picture.

Now, here's an example.
Lewis, come on, out here.

What?
You figured that out already?

Well, the money's practically
in your pocket.

As a matter of fact, start
spendin' it right now.

Now, whoever finds the most
mistakes in tonight's episode

and there's at least 50 of them,
wins $25,000.

And a trip to Hollywood
to be on the show

and have lunch with me.

And there's lots more prizes

that everybody else
has a chance to win.

Now you can find
all the rules at abc.com.

Or the current issues
of TV guide and People magazine.

You can also enter
through ABC online

or send your list to an address

that we'll be givin' you
later on in the show.

So let's start watchin'.

The game begins right now.

Attention, attention please.

Could I have
everybody's attention?

My harassment suit against
Winfred-Softer has been settled.

So I won't be
delivering your mail anymore.

[cheering]
Shut up!

So if your missin'
any important mail

you can get it at the Welcome
Back Mimi We Love You Lunch

that you'll be throwing
me this Friday

in the good restaurant upstairs.

Oh, by the way, thank you for
dipping into the Christmas fund

and but me a new VCR.
You really shouldn't have.

But you know, you better!

we're back guys,
everybody grab your old seats.

Ah, Mimi, at last
it's finally here.

The day I've been waiting for,
for so long.

Hey, if you really
wanna welcome me back

nothin' says hello like
a nice warm tongue bath.

Oh, no, no.

No, I mean, Mrs. Louder
and the board

are flying to the head office
in Kiyoto this mornin'.

I finally get that woman and
her castrated sheep of a voice

out of my hair for a while.

Wick, Wick!

Is that the flutter
of angel wings I heard?

Damn right, you did.

Now, I'm on my way
to the airport.

And I just want you to know that

I'm placing a huge
responsibility

on your pasty
little girl shoulders.

Don't worry, Mrs. L,
the stores in good hands.

I know that,
I'm talking about my cat.

And here's my house key.

And a test kit.

- Test kit?
- Yes.

Lord Fauntleroy's had some
digestive problems.

His eliminations need
to be monitored very closely.

And another
immigrant's dreams come true.

Have a good flight.

Into a mountain.

How does it feel,
not to be man enough

to say somethin'
to somebody's face?

Walk away and I'll tell ya.

No, stay there, Bobeck.

I want you to see this.

I'm finally free to fire someone
the way I always dreamed.

Johnson!

Johnson, you're fired.

Unless you can shoot
this apple from my head.

Using this, crossbow.

By the way, Johnson,
I saw your wife yesterday.

At least I thought
it was your wife

the divider came down before
I could put in another quarter.

No, I'm not gonna
mince words with you.

You've always had
more looks than brains.

This is ridiculous.

Don't worry,
I've rigged the crossbow.

When he pulls the trigger,
all that's going to happen

is a little flag will
come down saying you're fired.

[laughing]

Why are you such
an evil bastard?

When you know
what it does to me.

Are you ready, Johnson?

'Ready.'

'Aim.'

'Fire!'

[Nigel laughing]

[Nigel screaming]

Yeah, 8-1-1?

Yeah, I have a guy
with an arrow in his...

- Hey, is that arrow in your--
- Yes!

Yeah, it's in his,
uh, goody bag.

[theme music]

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks
with the crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks
Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with
a safety pin goin' ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks
Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks
Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Ohio ♪

Man, I'm tellin' you, you've
never seen anything like it.

Mr. Wick didn't want
me to pry the arrow loose

so they had to take
the hinges off the door

and they carried him right
through the store on it.

Yeah, it wasn't
good for business.

All though we did
sell out of athletic cups.

Poor guy, that's harsh.

Oh, shh, shh, shh.

Hello, Mr. Wick.

Oh, this is your
one remaining testicle calling.

I'll miss me, mate.

How'd he sound?

Not too happy.

That's understandable,
he's probably a little testy.

Well, you ought to be ashamed
of yourselves.

Makin' prank phone calls
to a guy who just took

an arrow through his scrotum.

Without askin' him if papa's
gonna get a brand new bag.

Oh, nuts.

Just a sack.

Takin' an arrow through the most
sensitive part of your body.

I can't imagine
a pain worst than that.

Oh, here it is.

If there is a house behind you.

I'd like to enter, please.

What do you want, Fifi?

Just got back from the hospital.

I have really really bad news
about Mr. Wick.

He put you
in charge of the store.

Obviously, he did do his
thinkin' down there.

Oh, my gosh, I can't believe it,
I'm finally gonna be in charge

of Winfred-Louder.

Only for a week or two.

Until he get's all his eggs
back in one basket.

[laughing]

You get it? You got what
I'm goin' for there?

That's terrible, Mimi.

The man has been
through somethin' awful.

I'll be with you guys
in a minute.

Anyways, statin' tomorrow,
I'm workin' for you.

Don't think you can
get all handsy on me.

Don't worry, boys,
I would never do that to you.

Drew, this is fantastic,
you finally get to be the boss.

Yeah, hey, I know just
how we can celebrate too, huh?

It's time to stop aging
and start drinking

the newest creation
from Buzz Beer.

Yeah, I think it's gonna sell
really well, down at the Berlin.

It's a combination
of Buzz Beer and champagne.

And you call it booze?

No, no, monsieur,
we call it booze.

You know, this is the chance
I've been waitin' for.

I got till Mrs. Louder
comes back next week

to prove that I got
what it takes to be a leader.

Oh, hey, Speedy.

Well, you know, you, uh,
you gotta a body like Buddha

billions of people follow him.

Yes, but Buddha doesn't do this.

Ow!

No, I think Buddha
was more of a nuggie.

[grunting]

Man I hate it
when we discuss religion.

I just wanna show people
that I'm different, you know.

I want them see that
I'm not a heartless bastard

like Mr. Wick.

I don't want 'em
to go around scared

they're gonna
be fired every second.

Hey, that's it!

What?

I'm not gonna fire anybody.

You mean without good reason.

No, nobody at all.

Startin' tomorrow,
no one can get fired.

'See, I have this theory.'

You expect the best of people,
and they'll give it to you.

You don't have to-to threaten
people to motivate 'em.

You know that Drew
maybe on to somethin'.

You know if I wasn't
so scared of gettin' fired

every time I lost a package,
I wouldn't have to hide out

in a bar all day.

Look at this.
It's more cost efficient.

See, every time we fire
somebody, we gotta pay this much

to train somebody new.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, listen,
we don't know how long

it's gonna take
for the Booze to separate.

So here's to Drew,
get's to be boss

as long as Wick's
is in the hospital.

Here's to infection.

Here's to the worst tasting
champagne we've ever had.

Oh, why'd we do that?
It's horrible.

To learning from our mistakes.

[instrumental music]

Mimi, I need you to type
up this memo for me.

Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Carey.

And here are your reports.

And your day planner.

And, by the way,
I took the liberty

of bookin' a massage for ya,
this afternoon.

Wait a second, you want me
to believe that I'm gonna

lie down naked
and nothing's gonna happen?

Does it ever?

But you know,
this is on the up and up.

Um, I'm a professional.

If you'll just stand on that
square, and sign these papers.

We'll start the day.

Wait a second, how come
I have to stand on that square?

Oh, well, that's traditionally
where the boss stands

to sign the papers.

Oh, I'll tell you what, why
don't you stand on the square

and I'll stand next
to you and sign it?

Oh, well, I guess you've
outsmarted me then.

So, why don't
you stand right there.

No!

Well, that oughta
keep him out of my face

for another hour or so.

No, see that's
what happens when people

operate out of... fear.

Which is exactly why
I put out that "no firing" memo.

Carey, we got your memo about
no more firing, is this a joke?

No, it's true,
none of you can get fired.

I want you to feel
free to achieve.

And take chances
without worrying

that you gonna
do the wrong thing.

From now on there
is no wrong thing.

The only wrong thing
is to think

that you're gonna
do the wrong...

No, wait, that's a wrong thing.

There is no wrong thing.

Who do we love, everybody?

(all together)
Drew!

Three cheers for the pig.

- Hip, hip.
- Pig!

You know, even when
you're on my side it hurts.

But looks like I'm a big hero.

So what do you
think of that, Mimi?

I think you're finally
standin' on the right square.

Wha...
Oh, man I'm stuck.

Jokes on you, 'cause all
I gotta do is bend down

and untie my shoe and
I'll be outta here in a second.

Well, I guess I better take
a picture quick then, huh?

That's right.

Smile for the folks back home.

[instrumental music]

Thanks for takin' us to the
executive dining room, Drew.

It's fun to have
people suck up to ya like that.

Yeah, I felt like a real
big wig when that guy said

"Those rolls are free,
you don't have

to stuff them
in your pocket, sir."

Hey, Drew.

[indistinct chatter]

- Friends of Drew's.
- Friends of Drew's.

- Known since college.
- Seen him naked.

No big thing.

And this lunch is the employee's
and I wanted to get you a gift

to show our thanks
to the best boss in Cincinnati.

'You have mail.'

We couldn't come up with
anything big so we all

decided to do
a little somethin' on our own.

Uh, Tom the security guard said

he'll no longer operate his
portable TV of your car battery.

Eight batteries in one year,
I knew that wasn't right.

And Sally now swears she's gonna
come up with much more

believable excuses as to why she
won't go out with you.

Sally...
Huh!

She's alive.

Lady, I've shown you five
different make up mirrors.

I don't care if
they simulate daylight

office light or any other light.

Only thing that's gonna
help you with is midnight.

Now, take that
face over to Macy's

where they still think
the customer's number one.

What'd I gotta do?
Throw a bone?

Thanks for shopping
at Winfred-Louder.

Have a beautiful, beautiful day.

Hey, uh, where'd she go?

I wanted to ask her why sales
in the housewares are down.

I swear to God,
it's not as bad as it looks.

Ah, who am I kiddin',
I'm fired, right?

Laurence, I'm very
disappointed in you.

And I'm fired.

I put my 17 years on the line
to give you job security

and you stab me in the back.

I don't know what to say.
I'm crushed.

Hold on here,
I heard blah, blah, blah

but I didn't hear fired.

I told you before, Larry,
you can't get fired.

Wait, I know
what's goin' on here

you're settin'
up aren't you, Carey?

No, this isn't a game,
you can't get fired.

- Not for this, either?
- Nope.

Hmm, thanks.

You four eyed bastard.

You're not gonna
spoil this, Larry.

One bad egg, and I used that
analogy 'cause you're bald

is not gonna ruin
for everybody else.

Now, these other
people wanna work.

I suggest you join the club.

So, what I'm hearing is

there's nothing we can
do here to get fired.

You hear that everybody?

There really is nothing
we can do here to get fired.

Ever! Ever!

Drew, do you have a back up plan

incase somebody
takes advantage, right?

Trust in human nature, Osborne.

People are basically good.

Hey, who wants to go up
to the board room

and raid the wet bar
to celebrate?

I think you'll find
yourself alone in this, Larry.

Okay, you and Mark are alone.

You, Mark and Sally are alone.

You, Mark, Sally
and Jamie are alone...

Okay, you're a crowd now.

But that crowd is alone.

[instrumental music]

Oh, yeah?
And then what?

Okay.
Good.

Yeah, talk to you later, bye.
Sorry about that.

Look, uh, I know we're
in unchartered territory here

you might not know where
the boundaries are

so let me help you.

Taking an unauthorized
15 minute break, is not so bad.

But usin' it
to pee of the buildin' is.

You know I almost hit
the parking structure.

I don't care...
Wow!

Nevertheless,
what you did was wrong.

Now, I want you to listen to me
and listen to me good.

You have lost my trust.

And I'm sorry
to be so hard on ya but...

You're peein'
on my feet now, aren't ya?

Got ya.

look, I'm, I'm sorry, buddy.

I, uh, I'll try and do better.

Oh!

We got big problems, Drew.

There's nobody in Shoes

they're runnin' wild
in the Toy department.

And this is pretty
much all that's left

of the Candy department.

Bitter orange?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay look,
here's what we're gonna do.

The lifeline
of the store is Toys.

Now they're gonna expect
us to go through Shoes

'cause only an idiot
would go through House Wares.

So what are we gonna do?

Go through Shoes?

No, we're gonna
go through House Wares.

- Do you know why?
- 'Cause we're idiots?

Right.

Let me just ask one question.

Why don't you go back
on the no firing policy?

'Cause I still think
I can make this work.

If I don't,
I can kiss any chance

of me runnin'
the store again, goodbye.

Well, I'm behind ya.

It ain't pretty,
but I'm behind ya.

It's nice to know who your
friends are in a crisis.

Yeah, it would be nice.

But that's not
why I'm behind ya.

I'm behind ya 'cause the no
firing policy is a good policy

and people take advantage
of it then we're gonna lose it.

And that's not fair.

And I killed Mrs. Louder's cat.

Carey, I need to speak to you.

Right here, sir.

Mr. Wick, what are
you doin' back so soon?

You're not well
enough to work yet.

Why not?
I feel a hundred percent.

[screaming]

Maybe next week.

Carey, I need
your opinion on somethin'.

'Close your eyes,
hold out your hand'

and tell me
if this feels natural.

Oh, I can already
tell you it doesn't, sir.

- Now squeeze.
- Alright.

(Nigel)
'What's that feel like?'

I don't know, small plum maybe.

Mmm, it's a prosthetic testicle.

[screaming]

(Nigel)
'Carey, for God's sake, get it!'

'That's $300!'

Wow, only $300?

How much they charge
for the brass ones?

No, it's all,
it's all dusty now.

Why'd you make me
touch it in the first place?

Well, it's too intimidatin'
to ask a woman

and to embarrassing to ask a man
so I asked you.

Well, I-I'd like to help you
but I can't say, I mean

usually I'm doin' that kinda
thing I have a beer in my hand

and the game's on.

(Nigel)
'Mimi, I don't
want to worry you'

but your human covering
has sprung a few leaks.

Well, I talked to 'em
down in Toys.

Oh, how'd it go?

I'm covered
in green slime you idiot.

They're out of control,
you're on your own.

What the hell, Carey?

Oh, I, uh, instituted
a couple of new policies.

Just fine tuning
it a little bit.

Okay, it's, uh,
it's sticky and fun now

you can go ahead and sell it.

I came down here
because I was concerned

you might try to usurp
my position.

I don't know what
I was worrying about.

You don't have
the cojone to do this job.

[instrumental music]

Well, this is fun
butI better get back to work.

You know, I got a lot more
packages to deliver.

Wait a minute, don't you get
paid by the hour?

Oh, yeah, okay, one more game.

Drew, buddy, finally got
the stick out of your butt

and you're playin' pool with it,
good for you.

Listen, I didn't
get my paycheck

have you signed them yet?

Sure, buddy,
right there on my desk.

Ah, thanks man, this get's
me back in the crabs game

in the station area.

Wait a second,
what's the signature?

Who's "Dr. Mellow"?

I am, baby!

Now prescribe a new
ten CC's of vitamin chill.

Drew, I'm kind of in a rush

I'm in the middle
of a volleyball game

down in Shoes but,
um, have you signed

my vacation request forms yet?

Hey, I'm tired of being
the responsible one, okay?

I don't wanna be
the hall monitor anymore.

I wanna be the stoner who
get's the art teacher pregnant.

What the hell
are you talkin' about, Carey?

Don't you get it, man?
I'm on your side.

I think it's great.
I agree with you.

So what if the store goes down
and we all lose our jobs.

The important thing
is we're having fun now, right?

- Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah.

No, I'm not right,
I was tryin' to prove a point.

What's wrong with you people?

Jesus, man,
you'd let the store

just go to hell
right around you?

You'd sit in your own dung heap,
if nobody told not to.

Well, you know,
you took away the rules, Drew.

They don't know how to act.

This is like the time we tried
to treat Mr. Puddles

like a member of the family and
let him eat Thanksgiving dinner

with us, before you know it,
he's lickin' himself.

He mounted the turkey.

We realized he's not
a member of the family.

He's one of grandpa's
old army buddies.

Drew, Drew, Drew,
I gotta talk to you quick.

I was in the parking lot playing
volley ball with the others

and I saw Mrs. Louder
gettin' out of her car.

She's not supposed to be yet.

[whistling]

She's on the escalator.

Quick, everybody get back
to work, back to work.

Why, if the old bat get's mad

we'll just tell her it's all
because of your stupid policy.

Besides, what are you gonna do?
Fire us?

Uh, hey, you, stealin' the
computer. What's your name?

- Johnson.
- 'Of course.'

I got one thing to say
to you, buddy, you are fired.

He's firing people again,
party's over.

Let's get back to work.

Hey, I'm sorry, Drew,
you know it's just a shame

people are always lookin'
for a way to take advantage

on the job.

Well, I better re-pack this
thing and get it delivered.

[instrumental music]

Well, this is fun.

How long has Drew actually had
this Ping-Pong table anyway?

Oh, about a 130 years.

He's, uh, mother wouldn't let
his father bring it in the house

after he got back
from the Civil War.

Oh, yeah.

So anything new
down at Farm Co.?

Nah, how's the world
of brain surgery treatin' you?

Oh, you know,
same old, same old.

Took out three brains,
put in two.

So you wanna go to the Brown's
game tonight?

Oh, yeah, wait a minute

the Brown's don't exist anymore.

You almost
wrote that down, didn't you?

Ah, there it is.

It's all dusty again.