Original subtitles

Attach wing B...to fuselage.

Uh!

This used to make me so happy.

What happened?

Oh, they changed the glue.

- Hey, Drew! - Hey, Drew!

Hey, Andy. Hey, Gome. Thelma Lou.

Goob.

You know we haven't seen you at The Warsaw in like a week

and we were afraid you might be

having trouble getting over Nicki.

Uh, nope, not me.

Busy, busy, busy.

Oh.

Huh!

Well! These are new, since yesterday.

Well, I'm not having such good dreams

so I'm doing this now.

Uh, Drew?

There's a fine line between a hobby and psychosis.

And, uh, even if there wasn't, this wouldn't be a hobby.

Hey, Drew.

Why is your bathtub filled with sand?

It's not sand. It's a desert battlefield.

- Oh. Oh. - Oh.

You know, Drew, this isn't healthy.

It's been a long war.

- It's time to get some sleep. - Yeah.

Well...

...I guess now I see the look on everyone's faces.

Maybe this is a little odd.

I think I really do miss Nicki.

Yeah, that's a Roger, big dog.

Right now, why don't you let us sing

a nice peaceful song for you, huh?

- Yeah. - Come on.

What am I? A baby? Gonna sing to me and put me to sleep? Come on!

♪ Hold the pickles Hold the lettuce ♪

♪ Special orders don't upset us ♪

♪ All we ask is that you Let us serve it your way ♪

♪ Have it your way Have it your way ♪

♪ Have it your way ♪

Hey! Hey!

He fell asleep on my hand. Get him off.

♪ Apples carrots potatoes peas ♪

♪ Your mother says you've got to have a lot of these ♪

Ah!

Oh-oh!

♪ Mm-mm good Mm-mm good ♪

♪ That's what Campbell soups are mm-mm... mmm ♪

[theme song]

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with the crimson lips ♪

♪ Go Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin goin' ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[echoing] Ohio!

[instrumental music]

(Oswald) 'Oh, my God.'

Buddy, what...

Who did this to you?

The lab monkeys at DrugCo got out.

Tried to make me their girlfriend.

I suppose it wasn't that handsome monkey

you're always going on about.

They've developed this new drug to help

senior citizens regain their sex drive.

Gave it to the monkeys.

Next thing I know Bobo's trying to bend me over a lab table.

He didn't actually...

No! No! No!

I managed to make myself look unattractive.

And I'll never forget their hoots and catcalls

as I gathered up my things.

I'm really sorry, buddy, I'm...

Bunch of horny monkeys.

[laughs]

What're you doing?

Coughing.

You're not coughin'.

Coughin' up a lung 'cause I'm laughin' so hard.

[laughs]

Oh, that's really funny, huh?

Well, it's not going to happen again, I'll tell you that.

Because I got the sex drug right here

and it's going in the trash.

[sniffs] What're you workin' on?

Oh, this is green dye for our beer.

You know for St. Paddy's day.

Oh... you know what though?

It's a little light shade of green maybe

maybe you should add some more of that, uh...

- Whoa! Whoa! - Oh!

Whoa, you know what would've happened

if this sex drug had gotten into the beer.

- It might've changed color. - Oh!

I've been working all morning on this green.

Well, that was close. I'm getting rid of this right now.

Good thing.

Good riddance. Old people don't need more sex.

They grunt and groan enough as it is.

[cat meows]

[raven caws]

[raven caws]

[pecking]

[door opens]

You know I don't want to jinx it

but this maybe the best batch of green beer we've ever made.

- Oh-oh. Hold on there, buddy. - What?

What you get?

Forget something?

- Oh, ho, ho, the lid. - Yeah.

Good idea.

- You can never be too safe. - Uh.

Hey, by the way, what're you doing Friday night?

Nothing. You wanna do something?

Oh, no, uh, Bobo from DrugCo called.

He wants to know if you want to go see "Titanic?"

That's real funny.

[instrumental music]

Well! This is a very impressive resume, Mr. Holiday.

Think you'd fit in well in accounting.

Got a good background, good school, hey!

It says here you're married.

Yeah. Yeah, two months now.

That's great.

I was almost married.

It didn't work out but, ah, what're you gonna do?

So, three years at Macy's, that's a good store.

Yeah, I had a really good time there--

What's it with women anyway?

One moment you're going along smooth

havin' a good time, next thing you know "Bam!"

Everybody's, uh, too fat.

Oh! Is this a test to see how I handle awkward moments?

No!

Well, it'd be a real good one.

Well, hey, looks like, uh

you're the kind of guy we need for this job.

How'd you stop loving someone?

- Uh... I-- - What do you do?

- Lemme go find out. - Want see a picture of her?

Name's Nicki. She's really nice.

Yeah.

I'm usually not this pathetic.

Let me guess. Practicin' your new pick up lines?

It's better than yours.

Kiss me or you won't get your seeing eye dog back.

So you're still gonna be the company tool

and testify against me in court today?

Yes, I am. Yuck of the Irish.

For three reasons. Number one, Wick never harassed you.

Number two, it's a court of law, I intend to tell the truth.

Number three, hate I you.

It's a puzzle. Work on it.

[chuckles]

It doesn't matter 'cause my attorney's gonna be

all over you like flies on Drew.

Face it, Mimi. You can't good face on a bad situation.

Which is a sign that should be on every mirror in your house.

So you think you can't be rattled on the stand, huh?

- What's your name? - Drew Carey.

Did you see Wick jump on top of me?

- Yeah-- - Yes or no, please?

- Yes. - Did you hear me yell for help?

- Yeah, but you were-- - Thank you.

No further questions.

This little witness can go

wee-wee-wee all the way home.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Mimi.

Don't tell me. Make up or fungus?

[laughs]

Pretty cocky for a guy on the first day

of his sexual harassment trial.

I have nothing to fear. I'm innocent.

Well, that doesn't mean squat in an American courtroom.

I'm also attractive, charismatic and I have a charming accent.

Squat, squat and bloody squat.

You couldn't be more wrong, Mimi.

She's right. They'll hate me because I'm a dandy.

If you're testimony doesn't save me, Carey

I could lose my job and be deported.

I'm gonna do my best, sir, but you know there's worse things

than going back to England.

You don't understand. I...can't go back.

Why not?

You know how bad the taxes are over there?

Well, I ran over a vicar.

Serves you right for driving on the wrong side of the road.

Wasn't even on a road.

I had to race through a field to get to him.

Carey. Wick.

It's time to circle the wagons.

Oh, my God! She's reliving her childhood.

No, you twit.

It's an expression.

I need to talk to you about Bobeck's suit against the store.

You don't realize how important you are, Carey.

Wow!

You know you have no idea how those few simple words--

Stop dwelling on it.

Can't take it back. Said I was important.

Stop it.

'Wick here has us in a situation'

that could cost the store two million dollars.

Your testimony is the only thing standing between us and ruin.

Ah, ruin.

So, we meet again.

Carey, stay cool on the stand.

Defend the store and don't crumble.

And I'll consider you executive material.

Blow it and the company will be 210 pounds lighter.

Well, the good news, it ain't much

she thinks I weigh 210 pounds.

[instrumental music]

Got some Green Buzz Beer here for you, Paul.

Colored it myself and this year

you can wash out the green dye with soap and water.

[bottles clanking]

Hey, Kate. You're Irish.

What's St. Patrick's Day about anyway?

In my family, about three hours of consciousness.

Ooh!

(Kate) 'Hey! Drew Carey's back at The Warsaw.'

If he sees his shadow, it's six more months of drinkin'.

Been away from The Warsaw for a week before.

Remember sixth grade summer camp?

Yeah!

I'm just glad you finally, um...

Man, I don't know what you guys

did to this beer but do it again.

Yeah, it's just green dye but it's pretty good.

Mm.

Well, what made you decide to come by?

I'm celebrating.

You know the empty void in my life that Nicki left?

It's all filled up now with fear and dread.

- 'Oh.' - 'Oh.'

That's 'cause you haven't taken your medicine for a week.

Oh, no, you know I better not.

I...I have to testify in about an hour.

Mrs. Louder told me if I get even one

little thing wrong, I'm gonna be fired.

That's not fair.

Is anybody else's chair vibrating?

It's, uh, probably just a truck passing by.

They should go by more often.

Don't worry, you'll do fine in court, buddy.

You know why?

'Cause you got a secret weapon.

What's that?

A dopey look that says, "I'm too dumb to lie."

What're you talkin' about?

Hey, there it is.

There!

Wow! That was a big truck.

Yeah, I think I felt that one, too.

Look, Drew, I sex what we're saying is breast tell the truth.

I guess, it's just that I...

Just worried that they're going to twist my words around.

Don't worry, Drew. They can't shake you.

Here's to Drew and his rock solid testimony.

I guess just one sip, you know, for the toast.

- Yeah, cheers. - Cheers.

[bottles clanking]

- Hah. - Whoa!

[laughing]

Haven't had any lunch and haven't had

one of these in a week.

[laughs]

You know what I'd like to hear now?

- 'No.' - Some Barry White.

(in unison) Oh, yeah!

(male #1) 'Now, Mr. Wick, for the record, are you saying'

that you did not force yourself

upon my client on January the 14th?

Yes.

Then can you tell us in your own words exactly what did happen?

Yes. Absolutely.

I...

[crying] 'Terribly sorry.'

What I meant to say was...

[crying]

This is a travesty of justice.

Oh, puhleeze, nobody here is buying this crap.

- Are they? - I am.

Quiet in the court and Ms. Bobeck for the last time

sit down or I'll have the bailiff show you your seat.

Show you my seat.

The witness would please respond to the question.

To the best of my recollection

and I'm only going to say this once.

I am blind! Oh!

The stress. It's caused a state of blindness.

You don't have to do this.

We have a law in this country

where you don't have to testify against yourself.

It's called "The Fifth Amendment."

Oh, well, I'll take one of those then.

Don't mind though. Blind man coming through.

Blind man coming through.

Oh, thank you, Mimi.

I hope one day we could put this behind us.

You...

(female #1) 'Court calls Mimi Bobeck.'

By the way, if I win this

everyone here gets a brand new Jetta.

The jury will disregard that comment.

Remember you're still under oath.

Now, Ms. Bobeck, please tell the court exactly

what happened on January 14th.

Let's see.

I car-pooled to work that day.

Weird thing was even though there were five of us crammed

in there, there was still plenty of legroom front and rear.

I just don't recall what kind of car it was.

Oh! Wait! It was a Jetta.

The plaintiff is dismissed.

Mr. Firestein, unless you can produce at least one

credible witness, I'm gonna declare this a mistrial.

Very well, Your Honor, I call to the stand Mr. Drew Carey.

Bailiff.

Mr. Carey?

I got to do this thing, uh, I'll call ya.

♪ Got to have it ♪

Don't screw up, Carey. I'm watching you.

So you like to watch, huh?

I mean, I understand. Yes, ma'am.

Got it under control.

[clears throat]

Do you swear to tell the truth

the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Hey, leather. Nice.

[instrumental music]

Excuse me, have you seen my pager? I think I left it here.

Nope.

I'm sorry. Are you sure?

- 'Cause I, I'm certain-- - I said, no.

Oswald, it's me.

The minute you get this message, meet me at the house.

I don't care where you are or what you're doing.

Well, we're almost done with your physical.

Just one more thing left to do.

Nobody enjoys this that's why we save it for last.

Okay, if you'll stand up for me.

Turn your head and cough.

Whoa, well, I see somebody does enjoy this.

I thought it'd be easier to get to him that way.

Now, Mr. Carey, I'd like you to listen to the testimony

of my client and tell me if this is what you saw?

(Firestein) 'Court reporter, please.'

"He touched me.

"He came up behind me.

"He reached up and touched my breast.

"Then, he pressed himself against me.

"I could feel... his excitement growing.

"That's when he began to kiss the back of my neck.

Over and over and over."

Is that the way you recall it, Mr. Carey?

Uh, you know, I know this important.

And I want to make sure I get this right.

So, uh, could you read that one more time...

Once is quite enough, Mr. Carey. Please respond to the question.

Right, right.

I'm in court for a reason.

Sorry, kind of hard to focus.

Okay, it was daytime. I was in my office.

Your Honor, is it hot in here or is it just you?

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, I just... drifted there for a second, Your Honor.

Your On Her.

On Her.

Are you alright, Mr. Carey?

Alright? I'll tell you who's alright.

That bailiff. That's who's alright.

Wow! Damn, I don't know why I'm saying these things.

I'm in court for a reason.

To tell the truth, the whole truth even if it's not pretty.

But... you're pretty and she's pretty, she's pretty.

He's not bad, I'd like to see you

three you kind of get together.

Mr. Carey

You're about to be found in contempt.

You're right, I'm sorry. I...

I obviously can't control myself.

Why don't you put the cuffs on me and take me away?

You why don't you give her a hand?

(Judge Oberman) 'That's it, bailiff.'

I don't know what you did to me, Mimi

but you're gonna regret this.

If you don't tell the truth, you're gonna regret this

the rest of your... hot voluptuous life.

Oh, my God!

If we lose this case, Carey, you lose your job.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Louder. I'm so so sorry.

Carey, are you moving your hips?

I just want to say, there's a party in my pants.

No cover for the ladies.

Will the defendant and the plaintiff

in this sideshow please approach the bench with counsel?

Your one material witness is obviously

enjoying the first day of spring.

Unless either one of you can produce another witness

or some compelling evidence, I'm gonna dismiss this case.

Anyone?

I had a feeling.

Case dismissed.

[clears throat]

Well, it's over.

Guess you're sorry you never got your money.

It was never about money.

All I ever wanted was you.

I'm sorry, Mimi.

Well, "sorry" just doesn't cut it.

You took my feelings and stomped all over them.

Worse than that you made me suspicious of men.

You made the butterfly go back into its cocoon

and that makes the butterfly angry!

Just gonna go back to work.

Clean out my desk, I'll be out of there

by the time you get back.

Wait, uh, I was hoping you would come back and work for me.

You yankin' me?

No. I need you.

'You're the best secretary I ever had.'

Even after all of this?

Yes.

Oh, man, I knew you were hot for me.

No! No! No!

I-I-I respect you as a professional.

Now what do you say?

Fine.

- Strictly professional. - Great!

What do you say we go down to The Warsaw and reconcile

our differences over a green St. Patrick's Day Buzz Beer?

Maybe it'll loosen you up.

No, I don't think so.

[instrumental music]

Alright, now we know there's some kind of link

between the sex drug from DrugCo and the green beer.

Hm. My guess is a raven and a dog.

Makes sense.

Excuse me, everyone.

Uh, anybody was here last night.

Uh, we have some things you may have left behind.

One half pair of edible underwear.

And these were together, uh, pair of sunglasses, an Ascot

and a copy of "The Letters of Griffin and Sabine."

Guys, I hate to tell you but it's not over.

I've been watching the monkeys and apparently

the sex drug has an after effect.

Oh, no. What?

Apparently the sex drug has an after effect.

Oh, no, what?

Apparently the sex drug has an after effect.

Oh, no, what?

Apparently the sex drug has an after effect.

Oh, no, what?

[laughs] Apparently the sex drug...