Original subtitles

Ninety seven...

Ninety eight...

Ninety nine...

[knocking on door]

Who is it?

(female #1) 'Electrician.'

The door was unlocked. So I came right up.

Sorry I'm late, sir.

You're my first job since I got out

of an all women's prison.

Boy, uh...

...is it hot in here.

It's my gooseneck.

It doesn't work anymore.

Maybe it needs a...

...woman's touch.

Have you tried jiggling it a little?

Constantly.

I hope all my jiggling hasn't damaged it.

Well, let's flip the switch...

...and find out.

[moaning]

[soft music]

Well, at least you know it's not a short.

[both laughing]

[laughing] I'm sorry.

This is my first time in front of a camera.

Alright, look, I promise

I won't start laughing...

...until we start having sex.

You know, like usual.

[laughing]

Yeah, I'm just happy to have a co-star.

[Nicki laughing]

We'll just uh, pick it up from where we left off.

Well, uh, look, I'm still worried

that somebody's gonna find this tape. I mean...

We've got to make sure when we're finished that we label it

something no one would ever want to see.

How about we call it, "Drew having sex?"

Look, how about this for boring?

"Fifty Misconceptions About Human Resources."

Hey, there's nothing boring about my job.

A lot of good thing- oh, yeah. That's a good one.

[giggles]

[Drew grunts]

[instrumental music]

Okay, I'm ready.

And now, let's try to get it right the first time

[clears throat] 'cause as, you know...

...I don't do second takes.

[phone ringing]

Just get it here. I'll turn off the ringer.

[ringing continues]

(Beulah) 'Drew, it's ma.'

'Are you-are you there?'

- It's my mom. - Just hang up.

Oh, hang up on my mom to make a sex tape?

Why don't you just conjure up the devil

and we'll smoke crack with him

and dance around the Bible fire?

[Nicki laughs]

Hey, mom. Yeah!

I'm looking forward to seeing you in a couple of days.

Tomorrow morning? Yeah.

Well, Nicki's looking forward to seeing you, too.

[laughs] Yeah, it's gonna be great.

Hey, listen, uh, why don't you save that story

about Aunt Mildred's infected eye for some other time?

We can... talk about it tomorrow at dinner.

[both chuckling]

Yeah, love you too. Bye.

[sighs] Okay, urgh.

Dirty thoughts, dirty thoughts, dirty thoughts.

Okay, I'm back. Ahem.

Okay, first, uh, I want to dedicate this

to our children who might find this tape someday.

Uh, kids, this is your mom and dad on their first date.

[Nicki laughs]

What was your name again, honey?

[laughs]

Don't worry, kids. That's a good kind of owie.

♪ Aah ♪

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with their crimson lips ♪

♪ Go Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin ♪

♪ Go Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[echoing] Ohio!

- Hi, mom. How are you doing? - There's my boy.

Oh, good morning, Drew.

Breakfast will be ready in a minute.

We've been waiting for you for half the morning.

Still keepin' a rock star's hours, huh, kid?

Dad, it's quarter to seven.

So, when do we get to meet Nicki?

Oh, sh-sh-she'll be down in a minute.

What?

You slept with a woman before you're married?

Is this the way your father and I raised you?

[both laughing]

We're just pulling your leg, Drew.

If we really thought you hadn't had sex by now

we'd kill ourselves.

Oh, hey, you're here already.

Oh, is this the angel

who saved my son from dying alone?

Oh...

Give me a hug. Ha-ha.

What a sweetheart.

Thank you for marrying my son Drew, and...

...you know, stopping the rumor mill at the family reunions.

So sorry, I've got to run.

Uh, I just-my office just called

and I gotta be at the airport in an hour.

- Okay. - Well, we'll catch up later.

Okay. Bye, Drew.

[clears throat]

- Bye. - Bye bye.

Well, that is one

big beautiful girl you've got there.

And now, if you will excuse me it's been a long drive.

I'm back on my home turf.

Now it's time for a little

rumble in the jungle.

Hey, mom, uh, can you sit down for a second?

I have to talk to you about something.

Yes, of course, dear.

Uh, something happened last night.

(Oswald) 'Hey, anybody home?'

It's the kids you wish you had!

Hold that thought. I've got to give out some hugs.

- Oh! Congratulations, Oswald. - Thank you.

- I'm so happy for you, Katey! - Thank you.

And Lewis.

- Hey! - Hey.

There's an Oswald and the old ball and chain.

And the old ball and chain.

[chuckling]

What's that all about?

I put it on them for the bachelor party tonight.

Hey, wait a minute. Drew's getting married too.

How come he's not lugging around an extra 30 pounds?

[clears throat]

Oh, yeah.

(George) 'Beulah, is that Katey, Oswald'

'and Lewis down there?'

- Hey, Mr. Carey! - Hey!

- Up in your office, Mr. Carey? - 'Yeah!'

[laughing] 'Just catching up on a little paperwork!'

[laughing]

Well, you can't call him uptight.

- No. - No.

Hey, I already, uh...

...got the nature documentaries lined up

for the party tonight and, uh, we're also gonna hire a juggler.

Yeah, you want a blonde juggler

brunette juggler or redhead juggler?

Oh, please, boys.

I know all about stag films and strippers.

No, we're really hiring jugglers, Mrs. Carey.

Naked jugglers.

Well, we've gotta get some more Buzz beers before the party.

Come on, Katey ball. You too, Kate.

- Hey, you guys going now? - Yeah, bye, Mr. Carey!

Don't get up!

Oh, it's so sad.

Everybody's getting married but Lewis.

Heart of gold, body of a hat rack.

What are you gonna do?

[sighs] Mom, I've decided I'm not gonna get married to Nicki.

Have you got any tomato paste?

'Cause I want to make some pasta sauce.

[scoffs] Mom, did you even hear me?

No, I-I couldn't hear because of the sound of my heart breaking.

Look, uh, something happened last night.

Uh, between me and Nicki and I just decided

she's not the woman for me.

Oh, honey...

Nicki is wonderful!

And even if she wasn't, nobody is perfect.

On some things, you have to settle a little.

I know all about settling, mom.

I'm the one that asked Widow Henderson to the prom. Remember?

Bingo night, my ass.

Drew, you know, dear, I've seen pictures

of when you started dating Nicki.

And she has put on a lot of weight.

Now, is that what this is about?

Look, I told you.

I'm not gonna get into the details, alright?

I just made up my mind to call it off, and that's that.

Well, you're not gonna tell your father.

Well, eventually he's gonna come out of the bathroom.

Somebody's gotta tell him.

Now, I didn't want to worry you.

But your father's been going through

a serious depression for almost a year.

What he doesn't need right now is bad news.

Hey, bro.

Mom!

Boy, oh, boy. It's good to see you.

Hello, Steve, you look beautiful.

Well, I'm my mother's son.

Hey, where's dad?

I've decided it's time to finally

tell him I'm a cross dresser.

- You can't go-- - No!

(George) 'Do I hear my oldest son down there?'

As big as life, dad.

(George) 'How are you doing?'

'You're still a ladies man?'

Well, you could say that.

[indistinct]

Now is not the time.

You've got to leave before he sees you.

- Get out of here. - Just don't push me!

Just because I'm in a dress doesn't mean

I can't kick your butt all over the house.

- What? Ow. - Who's your maid of honor?

Who's your maid of honor?

Drew is backing out of the wedding.

Yeah, now I definitely am.

♪ Goodnight ladies ♪

♪ Goodnight ladi-ies ♪

He's almost done.

Now, your father is-is not himself lately

and doesn't need to see this! Now leave!

But the-is the bachelor party off?

- Oh. Yeah, I guess. - No.

You can't hurt your father and you're not gonna

spoil Oswald's big night.

- Mom, this is crazy. - No.

You're gonna go to that party like everything is fine.

At least give your father that.

And later, when the time is right, I'll break it to him.

And you're gonna go to the party too and you wear a suit.

- A pantsuit's a suit, right? - No! No!

Oh, Lord!

Where did I go wrong with you boys?

Told you if you didn't get us that red bike

there'd be trouble.

No, you're not getting the bike and that's final.

Oh, look, what I found snooping around.

"Fifty Misconceptions About Human Resources."

I never did understand Drew's job.

Let's pop it in the old VCR.

Dad, you're gonna love this tape.

The first 20 minutes is real exciting.

It's about preferred provider health insurance.

Then the next 20 minutes kinda dragged.

But then it picks up at the end. It's all about uh...

...human resource ergonomics, you know...

...how dividers work, how tall they are, stuff like that.

You know what?

I think we, uh, already rented this in Florida.

Didn't we, Beulah?

- Yeah, it sounds familiar. - Let's have breakfast.

- I even got the workbook to-- - I said we saw it.

(Beulah) Hello, Mimi.

Have you seen Drew? I thought I would

surprise him with a new shirt

for the bachelor party.

Oh, he left already.

I was sorry to hear about your future daughter-in-law.

Why? What have you heard?

She's marrying your son.

Oh, you are full of the Dickens.

[Beulah laughs]

Now, what about you, Mimi?

When are you gonna settle down?

Well, now that Drew's off the market

all the good ones are taken.

[snorts]

But, seriously.

I look at wedding rings

as the world's smallest handcuffs.

Now, Mimi, I know you're popular with the boys now

but, even... the brightest colors fade.

Cripes, you're a dark old broad.

No, I just mean that sometimes

some things happen that you don't expect.

It's the wedding, isn't it?

- Something's wrong. - Shh.

Oh, I'm right. What happened? Is the wedding off?

- Shh! - Oh, my God!

- It's off! It's off! - Mimi!

Oh, Mimi, we've gotta talk.

Drew doesn't want to marry Nicki.

Wha-why is that things don't work out with him and women?

Well, he goes for the wrong type.

I mean, he falls for these soft, spineless, baby dolls.

Yuck! I just wanna knock 'em down and make 'em cry!

[sighs] What kind of a woman would be right for him?

Well, he needs someone strong

confident, who speaks her mind

and can still knock your socks off in bed.

In other words, the perfect woman for Drew is you.

Hey, when did this conversation turn against me?

[instrumental music]

(all) Aaah!

[gurgling]

Limes.

Now, mix.

[all hoot]

Gentlemen, I've got pornography.

[all cheer]

- Having fun, dad? - The best.

Yeah, what a great bachelor party, huh?

- Yeah. - Boy.

Can't imagine the wedding being more fun than this.

[laughs]

Shouldn't we just stop at the last place we had fun?

Son, you're confusing me.

Either drink more, or drink less.

Uh, considering I'm just about to watch porn with my dad

I think I'll drink more.

[laughs]

Gather round, kiddies. It's story time.

Oh, what's this one about, Uncle Larry?

It's about actors who couldn't get on the subs

going at it like animals.

[laughing]

My cousin Joey has a box full of these things.

I just skimmed a couple off the top.

- He-he-he. - Loosen your collars, boys.

It's about to get mighty steamy in here.

[all chuckling] Yeah.

[music on TV]

Oh, man, a beach house.

You know, somebody's gotta be getting some.

[all laughing]

Oh, oh, I bet it's this guy.

The tall guys always get it first.

That's true, true.

[all laughing]

Hey, here comes some more guys, and man...

Look at the skimpy outfits they're wearing.

I wonder what the women are gonna be wearing.

[all laughing]

[music on TV continues]

Oh, my God, they've started without the women.

Ma-maybe he's just...

...warming them up, until the girls get there.

(Drew) 'No.'

What the heck is this stuff?

"The Buns Of Navarone?"

"Men In Back."

"Three Men And A Maybe."

Don't worry, guys. I've got back up!

(all) Yeah!

What is it?

"Fifty Misconceptions About Human Resources."

I know it's-I know it's got a weird title.

But, I got it from Drew's secret drawer.

So I know it's h-o-t, hot, baby.

[all cheering]

Yeah, my dad already saw it. Tell 'em how good it is, dad.

I told you, I saw it!

I'll get the cake.

Hold up, before we get to that...

...you guys gotta know how we feel about you.

And well, we know things are a little tight right now.

So, the whole neighborhood chipped in

to help you get started up your new lives.

- What? - Happy marriage, buddy.

Oh, my God, for me?

Yay.

And Drew, uh, we actually started saving

this money to buy you a wife.

But, uh...

...after we passed your picture around the village, uh

all the single women threw themselves into the volcano.

So...

Hey, thanks, guys, really, I just...

You have to give this money back to everybody.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, look at all this money.

Anybody tells Kate about this, I'll kill you!

Oh, my God, what's happening to me?

- What are you looking at? - Whoa!

Come here, son.

What the hell is the matter with you?

The guys do something nice, you throw it in their faces?

Hey, I, uh, I appreciate it, I just don't want it, that's all.

Well, I hate to be the one to break this news to you, big shot

but you need this money.

- Dad, no. - No. I mean.

If you're too stupid to see that you and Nicki

need a nest egg, I'm gonna make you take it.

Stop it! Just stop--

Nicki and I aren't getting married.

Okay. Mom didn't want me to tell you, you know...

She told me what you were going through with your depression

and your therapy and everything.

[exhales]

What happened, son?

You don't love her anymore?

Uh, no.

I-I just don't love her anymore.

[exhales]

Will you be okay?

Well, I'm not... dancing in the aisle.

But, thank God, you didn't marry someone you don't love.

Oh, man.

Mom's gonna be really happy, you're fine with it.

I mean, she's so worried about you.

Oh, let me tell you a little secret.

I did go through a really heavy depression...

...for a month.

The last few months, I've just been milking it

to get outta yard work.

Alright.

Yow! Woo-hoo-hoo!

Alright, it's cake time.

We all know what's in there, so, come on out, sweetheart.

[all cheer]

Surprise!

Dad, it's me!

I'm a cross dresser and I wanted the whole world to know.

Uh, look at the bright side, dad.

You just got out of yard work for the rest of your life.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

(Beulah on voice mail recorder) 'Hi, Drew, it's mom.'

'We're back in Florida, safe and sound.'

'I think your father's starting to deal'

'with your brother's change.'

'He stopped in Savannah and got him'

'the cutest little one piece.'

'Anyway, I hope that you let Nicki down easy, honey.'

'From what you've told us, she must have loved you a lot.'

'Well, bye-bye.'

(George on voice mail recorder) 'Hey, Beulah.'

'The grass ain't gonna cut itself.'

(Beulah) 'I know you're not depressed. Knock it off.'

(Drew's voice on TV) 'What's your name again, honey?'

- Ow! - Ha-ha-heh.

Don't worry, kids. That's a good kinda owie.

Mmm.

I almost forgot.

I got flavored oils.

Ooh.

(Nicki) 'I can't believe we're doing this.'

I know.

[laughing]

(Nicki) 'Why, hey, it's like a monitor.'

Hoo! I can see my face.

How do people ever have sex

before video cameras?

You know, we're lucky.

My grandmother had to walk six miles

in the snow to have sex.

[Nicki laughs]

(Nicki) 'Oh, my God.'

(Drew) 'What?'

(Nicki) 'I'm going home.'

(Drew) Hey, listen, I'm sorry, this...

Look, this was a stupid idea.

If it makes you uncomfortable I'll just shut it off.

(Nicki) 'No, it's not that!'

'Look at me.'

'I'm a pig, I'm disgusting.'

'How can you even look at me?'

(Drew) I love... looking at you. You look great.

(Nicki) 'Quit saying that.'

You know I don't look great.

You just saw my big... fat ass on TV!

'I knew this was gonna happen.'

This is why I didn't wanna start dating you

in the first place.

I can't handle being around someone who loves to eat.

[Drew scoffs] You picked a hell of a guy

to get engaged to, you know?

[whispers] Please don't do this.

Look, I love you.

I-I'll work, I'll help you.

(Nicki) You can't help me!

You're the problem!

Here.

You should probably have your ring back.

Crap! I can't even get the damn thing off!

Would you turn that video camera off?

Last thing we need is a video tape of our last night together.

I'll show them, I'll show them all!

[evil laugh]

Oh, okay.

You-you'll be safe there.

What?

I love you too.

Idiot.