All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S03E19 - Two Weddings and a Funeral for a Refrigerator (720p WEB-DL x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

[whistling]

This milk is warm.

And this cheese is warm.

Oh, my God. You're warm
all over. Nicki, help.

You poor baby.
You're shaking.

Oh, no. That's me.

Wh-what, what, what, what?
What's going on?

It's Bessy.
Sh-she's sick.

What wait Bessy?
Who's Bessy?

We gotta cool her down.
We need ice. Lot's of ice.

Oh, sweet Mary and Joseph.

Drew, it's popsicle juice.

Sometimes the motor sticks.
Stand back.

Clear!

Nothing.

Don't you quit on me, dammit.

Clear!

Drew... she's gone.

I never told her
that I loved her.

Look, we can still save
some of the food.

Leave the lettuce
in the crisper.

She came in here with it.
She'll go out with it.

Hey, Drew.

Havin' another expiration date
eatathon?

I wish this was
a joyous occasion, but it's not.

(Drew)
'I have some... bad news.'

Bessy's dead.

You couldn't lead up
to any better?

You just had to
blurt it out like that?

Maybe I should say a few words.

Uh, observation
from the new guy in the group.

Isn't this
just a little strange?

I mean,
it's just a refrigerator.

Don't!

You don't...
You don't understand, Nicki.

Ol' Bessy's
been everything to us.

She's been our Town Square,
our camp fire.

She gave me my first beer.

Of my last Shake-A-Pudd'n.

We're still gonna
...be friends, right?

I mean, we're still gonna
hang out, right?

Yeah, sure we will, buddy.
Listen here...

Let's have a toast, huh.

To Bessy.

Goodbye old friend.

(Bessy)
'Goodbye!'

- Let's get the hell outta here.
- Right.

[theme song]

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks
with the crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks
Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin
with a safety pin goin ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks
Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[echoing]
Ohio!

[upbeat music]

Carey, Johnson and I
have been having

some trouble communicating.

I thought perhaps as human
resources director

you might be able
to help us out.

Well, first...

Lemme say how wonderful
I think it is that you're

reachin' out to an employee and
takin' time out of your busy day

like that. That's really great.

You should consider yourself
very fortunate there Johnson.

Yes, I think he'd appreciate it
more if you stop kissing my butt

and actually make a suggestion.

Well, sometimes
role reversal helps.

I mean, it always helps
to put yourself

in the other person's shoes.

Hmm, role reversal, eh?

That just might work.

Johnson, you be me
and I'll be you.

You start.

Okay.

Johnson, I'm very disappointed
in your work.

Very well then, I quit.

Wait a minute.
I don't wanna quit.

Very well then, you're fired.

Oh, what do you know,
I'm Wick again.

Sir, you gotta little evil
right here by the--

Oh, thank you very much.

Carey... do you know
what time of year it is?

Oh. Of course, sir.

How could I forget
such an important day.

Happy birthday, sir.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, it's-it's time for the
Winfred-Louder employee games.

Oh, yeah.

Yesterday was the day I finally
forgot that I lost last year.

So today it starts again.

Leaf blower hockey. Vacuum
cleaner races. I can't wait.

But, as you know
the employees best...

...what kind of grand prize
do you think

would inflame their passion?

Wow, a forty
cubic foot refrigerator

with ice maker and juicer.

Refrigerator, eh?

How odd you didn't
choose the treadmill.

Hey, uh, do you mind
if I, uh, keep this picture.

You know, to kinda,
motivate the employees?

She is a beauty, isn't she?

I wouldn't mind having
some of that around the house.

You have to win her first, sir.

You're not a doubled doors

brushed stainless steel
type of man, Carey.

You're a bag of ice in the tub.

I may not be able to fill her
with Truffles and Caviar

but I can make her
happy, dammit.

Go ahead and snitch,
you big baby.

Drew, I walk into the bathroom
to fix my face... shut up.

And what do I find

sprawled on the sofa
like a walrus, but this.

I had a migraine.
I needed to lay down.

How come there's no couch
in the men's room?

If there was,
would you wanna lay on it?

What are you gonna do about it?
He was peekin' at me.

Oh, believe me,
while you were in there

my eyes were closed so tight,
they bled, sweetheart.

Don't call me sweetheart.
It's demeaning.

You sweaty hunk of monkey toss.

Look... Larry, stay out
of the ladies room and...

Mimi... stay out
of the ladies room.

I ain't goin' nowhere
till you put him on report.

Aww, your baby picture before
you had hair and glasses.

Just so happens to be
the grand prize

in this years
Winfred-Louder employee games.

This refrigerator? They're
givin' away this refrigerator?

Wow. I was gonna
retire undefeated.

But if they're givin' away
this puppy...

...it'd be my pleasure to come
back and humiliate you again.

Things are gonna be a little
different this year, Mimi.

Your old partner's been fired
and I have Nicki on my side.

Like the doctor said the day you
were born, it's gonna get ugly.

Wait a second, Mimi. Are you
thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

You're thinkin' of kickin' you
in the crotch too?

No. I could be your partner
this year.

I could use
one of those fridges too.

Why should I pick you?

'Cause I do what it takes, baby.

I'm sleeping
with my 80 year old boss.

I run a scrap scam
at my mom's nursing home.

I sold my sons comic book
collection for lap dances.

Welcome to team Bobeck.

Wait a second, Mimi.

You can team up with
whoever you want

but it's not gonna
make any difference.

This year, it's my year.

No more nervous nosebleeds.

No more game day
meat lovers' breakfast.

No more starter gun-induced
incontinence.

This year if I lose

it's because
I participated and I did poorly.

You can huff and can puff

but you still gotta pull
the other pant leg on.

Can't scare me, Mimi.

Oh, yeah? Come Saturday, I'm
gonna be doin' my victory dance.

Okay, you did it.

[instrumental music]

This is crazy, Nicki.

We're never gonna
win that fridge.

Honey, I know things are tight.

Why don't you just let me
buy you a refrigerator?

What am I? A gigolo?

Drew, you're good,
but you're not pay for it good.

(Kate)
'Drew, we gotta
surprise for ya.'

Wait a second, if you guys
went out there and bought me

a new refrigerator,
I'm gonna feel so awful.

Oh, and tell us
how you feel about this!

Oh, my God.
It's Frankenfridge.

Well, you know
we don't have a lot of money.

So we went to the salvage yard.
We got you the best we could.

- And we filled it with...
- Baking soda! 'Cause...

'Cause it had a
really bad smell.

Best I can tell. It's a
combination of ham and feet.

You know,
I've smelled ham and feet.

That ain't ham and feet.

But it-but it's almost like new.
It's Drew-new.

You know that's my problem.

I'm always settlin'
for stuff I can afford.

I'm never gonna have a Porsche.
I'm never gonna have a Rolex.

That fridge is my one big chance

to have somethin'
that's top of the line.

Except your fiancé,
right, Drew?

Which I was about to say

before you jumped in
and made me look small.

Listen, uh, I really appreciate
what you guys did for me but...

...you know, I gotta win
that other refrigerator

'cause if a guys big dream is to
just a have a nice refrigerator

and he can't even do that.

Drew, are you cryin'?

Nah, it's that smell.
It's killin' me.

You know, it's like,
it's like wet cat and cheese.

- Oh, wet cat and cheese.
- Oh, wet cat and cheese.

Get that stinkin'
piece of crap outta here.

And hey, thanks again.

I'll tell you what
we're gonna do, Drew.

We're gonna make that
little dream come true.

We're gonna all
enter that contest.

And if we win,
you're gonna get the fridge.

Yeah.

You know I really
appreciate you guys

doin' such a great thing for me.

And yet, here you are
sittin' on your asses

while this refrigerator
is actually drawin' flies

into my house
in the middle of winter.

Okay, alright.

Suddenly Mr. Pull My Finger

is selective about smells.

I wasn't wrong to turn down
that fridge, was I?

No. It was really creepy.
It really smelled bad.

And none of its parts matched.

Wow, glad I didn't have
the nerve to say no

the first time
they bought Lewis over.

Drew, I'm telling you,
it doesn't matter.

We're going to
win that refrigerator.

I don't know.
I talk big but that Mimi.

Forget about Mimi.
Picture this.

You've already won...

...and the Aurora 6000
is right in front of you.

Can you see it, Drew?

I can't see it.

Ah. Look harder.
It's here.

Can you see it?

Wait... I do see it.

It's beautiful.

And it's ours.

[Broadway music]

♪ Cool your treats
and cheese and meats ♪

♪ How I'd love to find my meals
inside of forty cubic feet ♪

♪ Motor whispers real big
crispers free of CFCs ♪

♪ Overfill it you can't kill it
it's got warranties ♪

♪ It's big and wide
it's huge inside ♪

♪ I could take a seat and eat
and eat in forty cubic feet ♪

Okay, here's our entry form.

Great. Now all you've gotta do
is sign this waiver here.

Uh, initial here
for loss of limb.

Here for loss of life.

Oh, you better put down
who to call

in case of medical emergency.

Hey, why do I have...
Yeah, alright.

Drew, I can't wait
to check out that fridge.

I hear it can hold three turkeys
and it's got a pie bin.

That's right.
And, ma'am.

To avoid any injury
you should know

that all the food
in the display fridge, is fake.

Hey, why do I...
Yeah, alright.

Guys, guys. Alright.

Here's a trick I picked up
in little league.

Everyone around here
is our enemy.

And if we screw up,
daddy won't love us anymore.

Hey, Drew. That fridge
is as good as yours.

Pinky signed up at DrugCo
to test a drug

that stimulates a competitive
part of your brain.

Yeah. Okay.
We've got spirit, yes we do.

We've got spirit
how 'bout I rip your head off

and shove it down your throat.

[screaming]

You go, girl. Whoo.

Guys, here comes
Mimi and Larry.

Don't let 'em psych you out.

Sorry, I'm late, everybody.

I had to stop by the hospital

and see the guy that I beat for
the prize, last year.

(Mimi)
'He had a message.'

He said blink blink, then he
screamed and took a nap.

It won't work, Mimi.
We're ready for you.

What're you doin' here? You
don't even work at the store.

Yes I do.
At Christmas, I work as an elf.

For the record, we'd like
to be called little people.

Better leave now,
'cause you're gonna lose.

I've been poppin' steroids like
PEDs for the last three days.

Bad liver,
shrunken testicles, you betcha.

Small potatoes make
the stake look bigger.

We're not afraid of you
or your shrunken testicles.

I'm talkin' to you, Mimi.

Hey, if you're such a tough guy,
how come you wearing kneepads?

I always wear kneepads.

And elbow pads?

In case somebody pushes me down
while I'm on my knees.

And how come
you're wearin' a cup?

'Cause people keep
tappin' me there.

Hello everyone.

This is my partner, Tia.

She has the strength of two men

and is six times
stronger than me.

We met at the gym.

He's given me $300.
And I get to keep the fridge.

What do you get out of it?

We get to, uh, workout together.

Don't make it sound like sex.
We're just gonna workout.

That's right.
We're just going to... workout.

You think I'm scared of you?

You're the one
who should be scared.

Scared of my cold dead hand
grabbin' under your leg

as you cross the finish line.

Deal with that.

[whistling]

Our first event
is leaf blower hockey.

First couple to
score a goal wins.

[whistles]

[crowd cheering]

Ah! Too rough. Too rough.

(in unison)
Wussy! Wussy! Wussy!

Listen to them.
Are you gonna take that?

Maybe.

- 'Give me a wuss.'
- 'Wuss.'

- 'Give me an E.'
- 'E.'

- What's that spell?
- Wussy!

[screaming]

[crowd cheering]

[crowd applause]

Come on, let's start this race.

Yo, we gotta win
that fridge for Drew.

You're goin' down,
Donny and Marie.

Donny and Marie are very good
looking and solid entertainers.

I take that as a compliment.

Take that anyway you want,
'cause you're gonna lose.

You don't want this bad enough.

Look who I've got as a partner.
I've got the devil's babysitter.

Get ready. Go!

[whistling]

Come on, you lintbags, go!

On, Hoover.
On, Eureka. On, North...

Hey doofus twins.
Look over there. It's a rainbow.

Where? I love rainbows.

(Oswald)
'Hey, don't distract me.'

We're slowin' down.

Oh, we got bigger problems
than that. Look up ahead.

Oh, my god, pennies!

[clattering]

Okay, so we're trying
to win me this fridge, right.

So, all you gotta do is step
aside, let me score a goal and...

...hey, dinner's on me tonight.

First I'm gonna beat ya.
Then I'm gonna humiliate ya.

Then I'm gonna rub it in.

Hey, Lewis, we gotta
problem here man.

I'm the meanest, angriest,
toughest woman named Pinky

you're ever gonna
cross paths with.

H-hey, Lewis,
she's stuck on high.

Who's gonna beat ya? Pinky!

Say it. Say it. Say it.

Pinky honey,
Drew's our friend.

Remember how we
treat our friends?

Ah-ha.

[groans]

(Nicki)
'Honey, are you okay?'

Oh, I think I broke somethin'.

Oh, my God.
Don't move. Don't move.

- Drew, can you hear me?
- Yes.

♪ Your out you lose ♪

♪ We're great you suck ♪

♪ Don't pout don't cry ♪

♪ Kiss this goodbye ♪

(male #1)
'Alright, we're down to our
last two couples.'

The winner gets the beautiful
Aurora 6000 refrigerator.

Contestants, are you ready?

Unbalance your loads.

I'm unbalanced, Chip.

This washer's
ready to creep, Chip.

[whistling]
Go!

Hey, Ichabod,
is it the best you got?

I could beat you with
one hand behind my back.

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

Okay, put the other hand
back on. This is embarrassing.

Come on, Lewis. Get your
spindly bony body into it.

Do something Mimi.
I'm running out of clothes.

Oops. I lost my grip.

No... my foot.

Ah... yeah.

We won. Alright, that's it.
There's nobody left to beat.

- We get the refrigerator.
- The winner is--

(Drew)
'Hold it!'

You didn't beat me, Mimi.

Isn't that why you came here?
To beat me?

No. I came for the other big
thing that holds a lot of food.

Come on. What are you scared?
Hey everybody. Mimi's scared.

Of a guy with sprained wrist
and a crutch.

I ain't scared.

Oh, yeah? What's that new
mascara you're wearing?

What's that color?
I think it's yeller.

Alright. That's it.
You and me.

Winner takes the fridge.
Loser goes home to Drew's life.

Yeah. Will it scare ya if I told
I didn't need this crutch?

No.

Give me the crutch back.
Ow, ow, ow.

Alright, Chip. Call it.

Pull.

I'm not gonna make it.

Drew, Drew, just imagine
what's pullin' on the other end

of that rope is every boss
who never gave you a raise.

Every teacher who said
you'd never amount to nothing.

Every blind date who went to the
bathroom and never came back.

That's a lot of people.

Yes!

Didn't think you could
dent a refrigerator.

Uh, since it's dented, would you
sell it to us cheap, Chip?

Yeah, yeah, look.
Here's 50 bucks.

Think you could
report it stolen?

Can't steal a refrigerator
that's never been here.

Hey, Drew's got a fridge.

Let's tell him before he loses
consciousness.

You know, that other
refrigerator was kinda vulgar.

This is all I really need.

Yeah, it has a kind of
...quiet sophistication.

Yeah.

Too bad those delivery guys
dented it

when they were movin' it
in the door.

Yeah.

Hey, did I really win
the consolation prize

for bravest little soldier?

That's the story.

Now... how 'bout some TV?

Hey, great.

You know,
the Cavs are playing tonight.

It should be a pretty good game.

Yeah.

Got it.

Timmy!

Man I hate bein' in
Drew's dreams.

I got a real bad feelin'
about this one.

Is the gorilla here this time?

No, no, but I saw
Kristy McNichol back there.

He's still hangin' onto
that one.

Yeah, I really don't feel
good about this one.

Hold the phone. This dream's
startin' to look up.

(Drew)
Hey guys, wanna play some
touch football?

[screaming]

Drew, wake up.
Drew, get up. Wake up.