Original subtitles

Oh, my God, these are beautiful!

Wow, I can get any of these engagement rings for only $300?

That's the everyday Winfred-Louder price.

Wow, I had no idea diamonds were so cheap.

I should buy diamond underpants or something.

[chuckling]

Well, these aren't real diamonds.

No, I-I assumed you'd want

something a little less expensive.

These are diamonelles.

Oh.

Diamonelles? What's a diamonelle?

Oh, well, uh, you see that window over there?

- Yeah. - Well, that's...

A real big diamonelle.

What makes you think we can't afford real diamonds?

Oh, you're cute, Drew, I am trained to read a customer.

I can take one quick look at you

and tell you what you make a year.

[scoffs] Okay. Shoot.

Fantastic Sam haircut.

Fast-food physique.

Tie that you won at a carnival?

It just so happens, I got this for free

with 30 gallons of premium.

Ah! We-we love these women.

Don't you have any real diamonds?

Yeah, sure, but it's going

to cost you a little more.

- Oh! - Hey! This one's nice.

I'm not sure if it's Nicki's size. Let me check.

But that, that looks like a sausage.

Nicki was feeding me sausages

and after a horrible near accident

I realized her fingers were the exact same size.

- Hm. - Well, that looks nice.

But what wouldn't look nice on a sausage?

You got anything with a little pizzazz?

Well, I had everything from this

small, but perfect pinpoint of light to this one.

It's quite flawed, but it's huge.

Ha, I'll take the big and flawed

just like Kate took the big and flawed.

I'll take the small and perfect.

Just like I'm gonna be someday.

Well, it will take me some time to get them cleaned and sized.

So I'll have to call you when they're ready.

Uh, is there any way you can put a rush on it?

'Cause I was hoping to give it to my fiancee

when I meet her parents tonight for dinner.

Well, I suppose you'd like me to propose for you, too.

Come on, I'm on commission. I am dying here!

Huh. Okay, okay. Just don't forget my employee discount.

[scoffs] Yes, of course, your employee discount.

Any coupons before I go?

Yeah, how about taking 25% off that attitude?

You know, I work hard for my money.

I deserve a little respect.

- Give me the coupon. - There you go.

Drew, what's going on? Why'd you call me up here?

- I didn't call you up here. - Alright, they're here.

Gather around, everyone.

I want you all to know that two miracles have happened.

First, Carey is getting married.

[applauding]

Uh-uh, to a woman!

- Heh-heh. - Yeah.

Who was born a woman!

[cheering]

[applauding]

And then there's Kate and her need to fix things.

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, can I have your attention?

Now that Drew Carey is getting married

I have a petition here to make it against the law

for him to breed.

It started out as a joke, then it just kinda snowballed.

I got a lot of signatures, so sign it if you want.

Hey.

Okay, okay.

Well, everybody knows that Drew and I tease each other a lot.

But at a time like this, I

well, I just wanna say something from the heart.

I hate Drew Carey and I hope

he's ripped to death by rabid dogs.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get so emotional.

[sobbing] Just rot in hell, okay, buddy?

Uh, I wanna say something, too.

I've never been happier in my life

'cause when I look at Oswald, nothing else matters.

- With your-- - Whoa, baby, back it up.

I want Lewis to hear this.

Am I crazy or was I just talking?

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.

I just came by for lunch. And I'm glad I did.

Those sideburns are getting a little shaggy, huh?

How about I come by Saturday? Yeah.

- Lewis trims your sideburns? - He does my ear hair.

This is not about you, Drew. This is about Oswald and me.

Or should I say, Oswald, Lewis and me?

We live together now. I should have a say in your sideburns.

Geez, you won. Get over it.

Hey, how many guys here have ever had a buddy trim your hair?

Thank you. See, I told you.

Lewis and I have a normal relationship.

And how many guys let another guy sing you a little song

if you're feeling blue?

You bunch of freaks!

Ya know? I think we have a little problem here.

It's bad enough, you're on the phone with him six times a day.

You can't keep doing everything together.

We're getting married. Something has got to change!

Katie bear. Kate. Katie...

♪ The sun will come up tomorrow ♪

♪ Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow ♪

♪ There'll be sun ♪

♪ Just thinking about tomorrow ♪

♪ Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow ♪

♪ 'Til there's none ♪

♪ Tomorrow tomorrow ♪

♪ I love ya tomorrow ♪

♪ You're only a day away ♪

♪ Tomorrow tomorrow ♪

♪ I love ya tomorrow ♪

♪ You're only a day ♪

♪ Away ♪

["Cleveland Rocks"]

♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪

♪ All this energy calling me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with the crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ She's livin' in sin with a safety pin going ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[echoing] Ohio!

Well, I'm glad you came for premarital counseling

because I can definitely sense some tension.

Now, who is this Lewis?

He's our friend and Oswald's old roommate.

- He drove us here. - Ha.

See, that's the problem.

I feel like he's around us all the time.

Uh, and we're never alone.

Kate, as your relationship

as your relationship with Oswald grows

his old relationships will become less important.

But in the meantime, it's up to you to incorporate them into...

Could you try taking this seriously, Oswald?

Oh, uh, I'm sorry, father, uh, uh...

(Oswald) 'I was just wondering'

why did the church choose black and white

as their fighting colors.

Well, the first pope was a big Raiders fan.

- 'Oh!' - Now, uh, Kate, Oswald.

This is a problem that can be solved.

- Father, where's the restroom? - It's right down the hall.

I'll be right back.

[Oswald chuckles]

Oswald, Kate's willingness to talk this thing through

proves that she's got a lot of love in her heart.

I think if you were, uh, able to meet her halfway on this issue

that, uh, she may come around.

[thuds]

(McNabb) 'What is it, my son?'

Father, I think we should pray.

Very well.

[instrumental music]

- Hi, welcome to Johnny's. - Hi.

I'm, uh, here to meet the Fifer party.

- Oh, yes, right this way. - Oh.

Listen, uh, before we go over there...

It's gonna sound kinda crazy, but

they're gonna be my future in-laws.

- So, how do I look? - You want the truth?

- No, I can't handle the truth. - Then you look great!

Hi, I'm Drew. You must be Mr. and Mrs. Fifer.

Please. Chuck and Charlene. Hey, easy there, big fella.

You're not crushing walnuts.

[chuckles] Sorry, that's my nut-crushing hand.

[laughing]

So where's Nicki? She loves my sense of humor.

- Ahem. - I'm afraid she's not coming.

[heartbeats]

So it's just us then.

Nicki's snowed in at her sister's in Minneapolis.

Could be a week before she gets out.

Well, you know, we can do this another night.

Uh, we can't, Chuck and I

are only in town for a couple of days.

And our little girl is not getting married

until I approve the guy she has picked!

[heartbeats]

Now let's relax and get to know each other.

Dinner's on me tonight.

[heartbeat stops]

So, tell us about a day in the life of Drew Carey, hm?

Oh, you know, I get up, go to work, go home

go to sleep. Ha-ha...

[laughing] You're quite a salesman, son.

Gee, I really didn't think I'd have to sell myself tonight.

- Ha. - Wouldn't hurt. Ahem.

Boy, you know, I wish you could see me and Nicky together.

I mean, we make a great couple.

Oh, hold on.

Here's a picture of, uh, the two of us at Christmas.

Oh, my God!

Nicki's huge!

She must have gained at least 50 pounds.

Now what made her get off her diet?

[heartbeats]

I think she looks great.

Oh, here's your problem. She can't be around eaters.

[scoffs] Don't blame him.

Nicki's heavy because you spent her whole childhood

rewarding her with food.

Hey, my mom did that. I turned out okay.

Look, if you just eat a little more bread and shut up

I might like you a little better.

That's right. Feed the fat kid.

Hey, don't call me the fat kid.

This didn't start because of the fat kid.

It started because you were pushing Nicki to be perfect!

I said, quit calling me the fat kid.

The problem with you two is you don't listen.

You hear that? Ah, even Drew says you don't listen.

Oh, well, thank you, Drew.

You wanna know something else he doesn't do?

I don't think so.

We haven't had decent sex in ten years!

You know, it's none of my, I'm not trying to take any sides

here, but, you know, they say, you know, Prozac

can really effect a man's sexual performance.

If, in fact, you do take Prozac.

You told Nicki, and now the fat kid knows.

Well, of course, I talk to Nicki.

Well, I had to talk to someone.

God knows when I try to talk

to you, you just go downstairs

and play with those damn trains.

At least when I turn on my trains, they move.

You wanna see move?

I'm moving out.

I-I don't need Drew here to draw me a map.

Well, he certainly enlightened me.

I'm just sorry it took a stranger to show me

that my marriage was dead!

Hey, listen, before you get upset here, is-is this

normal dinner conversation for you two?

I'm calling an attorney.

You can find your own way back to the hotel.

Oh, wait a second, you c-c-can't get a divorce.

Oh, man, Nicki's gonna kill me.

If she is anything like her mother

it'll be long and slow.

Well, uh, pop, ha-ha

here's to "It can't get any worse," huh?

Oh, crap. Charlene's got my wallet.

You're gonna have to buy the dinner.

Touché.

[instrumental music]

(Drew) 'Hey, Nicki, how are you doing?'

Oh, dinner with your parents went great.

Yeah, uh, ah, just one thing I wanna ask you.

Have you ever noticed any kind of tension between 'em or...

Yeah, you're right. I must be imagining things.

Okay, alright, we'll see you in a few days.

Bye, honey. Love you, too.

Well, I dodged that bullet.

Now all I gotta do is get out of taking Chuck around

to pick up chicks.

- Chicks? - That's what he said.

Yeah.

I understand your problem, and I know what you should do.

- What? - Kill yourself.

Oh, wait, that just solves my problem.

[chuckles] What was your problem?

I'm trying to cure a guy I know of wanting to be single.

What are you doing Saturday night?

Washing my hair in the sweat of three men.

It takes two guys to hold the third guy down.

(Oswald) Kate, I need to talk to you, I feel really bad about

what happened, and I-I wanna make it up to you.

Kate, I present to you

my beautiful Princess Kate, this ring.

Oswald, it's sobig!

[chuckles]

Is it a real diamond?

Technically, yes.

It's the most romantic thing I've ever seen.

[chuckles] Well, you know me, I'm a romantic.

[chuckles] Okay, I got the pillow, got the flashlight.

Oh, yeah. I love you, Kate.

- What's that? - What? Oh, it's, uh, nothing.

It's just a note that I myself made.

Aw.. Ha-ha-ha.

- It's Lewis' handwriting. - No, no. No, it's not.

"Number six, don't let Kate see this. She knows my handwriting.

Your pal, Lewis."

I'm sorry, Kate. Let me, let me tell you how sorry I am.

Oh, oh, if that's from Lewis

I'm gonna make you a new pocket to shove that back into.

Aw.. Oh.

So, why don't we start by each of you telling me

what you want from this relationship?

I just wanna make Kate happy.

I wanna be the most important person in Oswald's life

which I don't think that I am.

I wanna know why I got the little chair.

Oswald, uh, when you enter a marriage

your spouse must become your first priority.

Uh, I've been friends with Lewis my whole life.

I just don't know what to do.

I'll tell you what you do.

- Get out of here. - What?

Sick and tired of you following me around, Oswald.

- But-but-- What? - You heard me.

Can't you see I was just feeling sorry for you?

Oh, don't look at me like that.

Where I'm going, there's no room for you.

Now get, boy. Get, I tell ya, fella.

- Go! Go, boy! - Would you stop it?

We all saw the stupid dog movie last night.

Tell me, Oswald, um, what do you get

from your relationship with Lewis?

Well, friendship, companionship

guidance, support and a whole lot of laughs.

[chuckling]

Okay. And what do you get from Kate?

Well, friendship, companionship, guidance, support

lots of laughs and...

Ah.

Uh-huh.

Thanks, padre. I think I'm cured.

[chuckles]

Let's get out of here. Are you gonna be okay, buddy?

Yeah, you kids go have your fun.

[chuckles] Okay.

[door opens]

[door shuts]

[sighs] So...

What do you wanna do now, father?

Actually, Lewis, uh, I'm going to be, uh, conducting

a funeral service in about a half an hour.

Hey, mind if I tag along?

If we're gonna be outside, I got a bucket of balls

and a seven iron in the trunk of my car.

- Yeah, alright. Let's go. - Ah.

[instrumental music]

Well, here we are. It's where all my single friends hang out.

Although, I gotta tell you, I'm a little uncomfortable

cruising for chicks with my fiancee's father.

Hey, Drew. Hey, nice to see you again, Mr. Fifer.

Just havin' a couple of beers before I head off to an orgy.

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

You're goin' to an orgy?

Oh, yeah. Computer sex.

See, in the '90s, the Internet's the only safe way to do it.

I just come down here to memorize some faces

to put on my cyber dates.

Hey! You're pretty.

Too late, baby. It's all up here.

Hey, we should try that someday. Let's grab a table.

Hey, Drew, I don't think I've met your friend.

Oh, uh, Kate, this is Chuck. Newly single.

Oh, I like a man who's lost once or twice.

They appreciate a good woman when they see one.

Well, I'm seeing and I'm appreciating.

- Can I buy you a drink? - Sure.

But before you do, I want you to know that my acceptance

is not tacit approval for you to touch me

lure me or disrespect me in any way.

(Kate) 'Furthermore, if I agree to let you drive me home'

I'm still under no obligation to kiss, fondle

or even look at you.

It's all here in the contact.

Don't even think about having sex. The paperwork will kill ya.

So, do you want a truce, Mr. Fifer?

Did I say my name was Fifer?

I call everyone Fifer.

Look at that Fab-fifer over there.

Oh, like, if I was to say to Drew

"If you think this plan is gonna get me back with my wife

you're one dumb mother-fifer."

Alright, fine. I give up.

Wanna know what it's like to be single nowadays?

I'll show ya, with a vengeance.

["Lust For Life" by Iggy Pop]

[cartoons on TV]

boing boing

thud

thud

[clattering]

boing

Rather pedestrian animated fair, wouldn't you say?

You know what was funny, though?

- What? - That French fry.

[laughing]

Hey, I got more beer and cheese.

Well, I guess I'll head home back to the wife.

- What? - Yeah.

I didn't realize how good I had it.

She's not perfect, but you people and your piddly crap.

My God!

You do this every night?

Keep this pace up every night?

What are we, The Rolling Stones?

Tell Nicki I'm sorry we missed her.

Oh, so I have your blessing?

Son, when Nicki was a little kid

I told her not to take chances.

Apparently, I got through. Welcome to the family.

Well, I guess our plan to show him a dull time really worked.

Yeah, glad we came up with that plan

to make us seem totally shallow and dull.

How clever of us.

Dammit! Come on, we know how to have a good time.

Hey, you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

Speedy in the backyard?

Let's make his dog howl at the moon.

[all chuckling]

Calling our lives meaningless.

[howling]

[door opens]

I left my hat on the pool table!

Most people just wave goodbye.

[instrumental music]

Carey, O'Brien.

I want to congratulate you both again

on your impending nuptials.

And, uh, just to show I'm over

that little crush I had on you, I got you an engagement gift.

Oh, you didn't have to do this.

An alarm clock. Thank you.

Something you can take with you on honeymoon.

You can put it next to the bed, you know, on your side.

(Drew) Hey, uh, what's this in here?

Looks like a little lens or something.

No, it's, uh, solar-powered.

You must leave a light on at all times.

Oh, my God! It's a camera.

You wanted to watch me on my honeymoon?

Does that disgust or titillate you?

- Disgust! - Yes, you're right.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]