Original subtitles

I'm proud of that one.

I was on the top ten percent at the

Harvard School of Psychiatry.

Yeah, I got one of these at the carnival.

All I had to do is shoot a duck.

Look, Miss Bobeck, if you wanna hire me

to be your expert witness in the sexual harassment case

I suggest we get started.

Alright, alright. It's real simple.

All you got to do is, say that I'm damage and then act like

two million bucks for all the pain and suffering

inflicted by my boss Mr. Wick.

Bet you got some real good stories about crazy people, huh?

I'm working on one right now.

So, tell me in your own words

what exactly your boss did?

Well, we're gonna make believe that he was sexually

harassing me and then I was gonna sue the store

for big bucks and then we're gonna split the dough.

So, what you're saying is no actual

sexual harassment took place?

Well, I grab him a couple of good ones before he got away.

So, your boss never actually harassed you?

He knew that I had feeling for him and

he used my feelings to-to get me to go on with that scam

and then he dumped me for another woman.

And it was your broken heart that caused you to try

and mask your pain with that...

...garish makeup?

If by garish, you mean pretty?

And I hope you do.

Then, no. I've always looked like this.

Would you be interested in being case study?

Oh, if you wanna go out with me

just say you wanna go out with me.

[clears throat]

I'm sorry, I-I, uh, I can't, uh...

I can't go out with, uh... patients.

You took an oath.

Okay.

Listen, you say I'm ruined for other man and collect the check.

Are you in or are you out?

Ms. Bobeck, you're obviously a fascinating woman, uh...

Let me sleep on it and I'll, uh...

...I'll get back to you.

Okay.

Oh, by the way

if you meet anybody with multiple

personalities you might wanna borrow one!

Finally! But you're too late.

She's society's problem now.

[theme music]

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with their crimson lips ♪

♪ Go Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin goin' ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[echoing] Ohio!

(Drew) Oh, I got a valentine.

Ah, it's from my mom.

Some son you are.

This the woman who gave birth to you.

And after seeing she still claimed you from the nursery.

The least you can do is open her card.

Oh.

[chuckles]

Thanks. I usually have Oswald open 'em.

Oh, "Here hoping you have a wonderful Valentine's Day.

"Dad's having prostate problems.

You might wanna get your jobbie checked."

Hey! There's a Valentine's recipe on the back.

Oh! High fiber. Good for your jobbie.

You know this would be great for the Valentine's diner

that, uh, Oswald and I are cooking for Nicki and Kate.

Oh, man, women get all mushy when guys cook for 'em.

Hey, can I get in on this? Pinky would love it.

Are you still dating the guinea pig girl?

Guinea pig girl is demeaning, Drew.

She test experimental drugs for DrugCo.

She no different than you or me.

Yeah, except we don't crave cheese

every time we hear a bell.

[bell dings]

Pizza's ready.

[doorbell rings]

Confused by the second bell

our subject is paralyzed by indecision.

What if there's a bigger pizza behind the door?

[grunts]

- Oh! - It's Officer Barker.

Can I ask you few questions?

- Yeah. Come on in. - 'Thanks.'

I'm, uh, checking out some suspicious noises

that were heard in the neighborhood between

8:00 and 11 p.m. last night.

Oh, well...

You know these walls are paper thin and...

Well, sometimes my coughs sound like I'm passing gas.

[chuckles]

[coughing]

I'm talking about the incident down the street at the Embers.

What incidents?

Little domestic problem.

Mrs. Ember chopped up her husband with a meat cleaver.

Oh, my God. They were such a nice couple.

Last time I saw her she was holding his hand.

That's what she was doing when we picked her up.

Look, officer, this may not be related

but I was watching Drew's house the other night.

Mrs. Ember came over and borrowed an axe

a sheet and a whole bunch of garbage bags.

And here's the weird part...

...some sugar.

You're gonna have to come down and give a statement tomorrow.

The station is just down the street--

Yeah, yeah, I know where it is.

Right.

Thanks.

Hey, officer. Hey, Drew, I heard about your neighbors.

I mean I just saw Mrs. Ember yesterday when I delivered that

extra large freezer and all that surgical equipment.

You're gonna have to come down and give a statement tomorrow.

The station is just down the street--

- Yeah, I know where it is. - Right.

Yes.

Boy, horrible news and good news all in the same day.

What are you talking about?

Oh, Kate and I are moving in together.

Tomorrow.

You what? You're moving in with Kate?

Yeah... aren't we skipping a little step here?

Oh, like what?

Like discussing it with Drew.

Why should we talk about it with you?

'Cause I care about you, man.

Didn't you hear about the neighbors?

You're moving in with a wrong person.

The next thing you know, I'm chasing my dog around

the yard looking for your head.

What...

What's the big deal? I mean we've been dating for months.

And don't worry, big guy.

I'll be paying my half for the rent

until you find another roommate.

Hmh. And who's gonna pay for my emotional abandonment, hmm?

- What? - I'm just kidding.

- I'm happy for you. - Oh.

I'm the happiest SOB you'll ever walk out on.

I can't believe this.

It's, it's too soon to move in together.

Ahh, you're just freaking out

'cause you're not ready to move in with Nicki yet.

This has nothing to do with me and Kate.

You mean Nicki?

I said Nicki.

Oh, yeah, you did. I'm sorry.

Yeah, so, what I'm telling you is you're going way too fast.

Y-you got to slow it down.

Like-like me and Kate do.

That time I heard Kate.

Of course, you did, she's right there.

Oh, yeah, ho, ho. My fault.

Oswald, I'm so glad you're moving out of here.

That's the most disgusting bathroom

I've ever seen in my life.

Didn't you guys ever clean it?

We would but the bacteria ate our sponge.

Hey, Drew, did you pack my stuffed animals?

There in the truck with the princess phone

on the glass unicorn.

Oh.

Finally, my place is gonna look like a woman lives there.

Okay, ready to roll.

What-what's that?

It's my pet, parakeet.

Oh, little guy can really hold his breath, can't he?

He's stuffed.

Problem.

That thing gives me the creeps.

- He's my pet. He's coming. - No, he's not.

He's coming. Case closed.

Let's ask him. You wanna come?

- Nothing. - He's shy.

Case closed. He's coming.

I don't want this damn thing in my house.

- Lewis, you take it. - I don't want it.

[glass shattering]

I can't believe you just did that.

- It was an accident. - You liar.

Is this what it's gonna be like when you move in?

Yeah, if you throw everything I love out the window.

Is this how you gonna treat our children?

If you keep 'em stuffed in a glass case, yes!

Oh, look, Paulie wants an ambulance.

Boy, did you hear that?

They haven't even moved in together.

They're already at each other's throats.

So, this might not work out.

Dare I dream.

I need to go blow up his doll.

Uh, she's gone.

Are you okay?

I can't believe it ended that way, I mean...

...one minute we were yelling at each other

and next minute it's over.

I-I never told you this

when you were going out 'cause you'd have beat

the crap out of me, but...

...you-you guys were totally wrong for each other.

Oh, you always thought that, huh?

Yeah, well, you know, it was uh...

...you were lonely and she was convenient

you know, you hopped in the bed together

you thought it was a relationship.

I mean, I don't want to sound crasp

but you were probably thinking with little Oswald instead of...

Hey, when you said, it was over?

What'd-what'd, what's over?

I meant the fight, not the relationship.

Oh.

You wanted me and Kate to break up

from the beginning and you still do.

Looks like I stuffed the wrong friend.

I meant that in angry way, not in a kind of sexual...

So, bite me, screw you and kiss my ass.

All anger.

(Wick) 'Is this really necessary, Carey?'

I'm sorry, sir, you and I both know

you'll never harass Mimi but...

...before the board spends any money on your defense

they want you to take a polygraph test.

Fine, but make it quick

I hate being bound up tightly like this.

[machine clicking]

Alright, alright, I like it.

Okay, the first thing the board wants to know

is have you ever been guilty of sexually harassing

anybody else in any other job?

I categorically deny

that I have ever been a monkey.

- That's cheating, sir. - No, it's not.

[machine clicking]

Look, Carey, while I respect you...

[machine clicking]

And you have a... you have a great future at the store.

[machine clicking]

Oh, how do you know, it couldn't get better?

Carey, this device is a demeaning politrick.

I'd rather be puttin' a dress and pass around the docks

by a bunch of drunken sailors.

Well, it should be clicking, that was a blatant lie.

[machine clicking]

This machine is the one with the sick desires.

What's goin' on?

Getting ready for court?

This is gonna be your downfall, Mimi.

You can lie to me, you can lie to the court

if you want you can lie in front of my car.

But you can not lie to this machine.

Well...

Well, let's see.

Go ahead.

Ask me a question.

Alright, first I have to ask you base question.

Uh, Mimi Bobeck...

...did you invent the automobile?

Yes, I did.

Give her something more difficult

Something impossible for her to say yes to.

It'll set this thing off like a pinball machine

Alright, uh...

Hey, Mimi...

...how'd you like to get out the butter and massage oil

and do a lil' super side with me later on?

[inhales sharply]

Sounds great.

[laughing]

I am a god!

Yes, yes, yes!

She's pure evil, Carey.

Package for a backstabbing bastard.

Sign here.

Give me a pen.

I need to see some ID.

You know me.

Oh, I thought I did.

I can't believe you're jealous of me getting Kate.

I'm not jealous of you and Kate.

I'm not gonna lie to you, protect your feelings

I should've told you this a long time ago.

You guys just aren't right for each other.

That's not true and I've got proof.

It's right here in Kate's magazine.

Check it out.

How to slow down your man in the sack.

No, no, not that one.

- But it's circled. - No.

This one, that says

"How to test you and your mate's compatibility."

I took it, Kate and I are a perfect match.

You can't take a compatibility test alone.

You're scared to let Kate take this test with you

'cause you know I'm right.

I ain't scared of nothing.

Well, apparently you're scared of good English.

Shut up, Mr. Know-It-All.

I'll tell you one thing, Kate and I are more right

for each other than you and Nicki are.

Well, that is so wrong, it's funny.

Nicki and I are soul mates.

Why? What did you hear? Did she say something?

Not so cocky now, are you?

Mr. I'm-Not-So-Cocky-Now.

Why don't you take the test?

Oh, well, I'll tell you what

Mr. Repetitive-Insult.

Why don't we all take the test?

We'll, memorize the questions and we'll suddenly slip them

into our Valentine's Day dinner

and when you and Kate fail, and I know you will.

Just promise me, you'll talk with her and deal with it.

Ah, well, I'll talk to Kate if you promise to talk to Nicki.

- Fine. - Fine.

Carey, I'm ready to beat the machine, now.

I've read that if you distract yourself

it can't truly read your emotions.

Alright.

[laughing]

[groans]

Ask the question.

Alright, uh, my first question is, uh...

...why'd you do that before I turned the machine on?

- Hep-hey. - Hey-ho.

You know, I remember the time you couldn't get fresh basil

in February, remember?

Mm-hm.

(Nicki) 'Hey, how's it going in there?'

Women! Dumb up.

This is so cute.

The little rascals make dinner.

Well, you're not getting any help.

Tonight, you're on your own.

Ooh, but this looks a little up.

- Here. - Oh, thanks, honey.

She almost curdled my béarnaise.

Do they have to be so rough?

Well, better go out there and see how my date's doing?

And no jokes about Pinky's job.

She's feeling a little weird

since she's started testing that cat vaccine.

Where's my lil' kitten?

[flushing]

Well, I'm right here.

Just a sec.

Wow.

Salmon croquettes.

I love salmon croquettes.

- Ready? - Ready.

May the most compatible couple win.

Gee, I hope, you're thirsty.

I could drink two to five of these glasses of wine

but, I'm not sure if that's way too much

not enough, or just about right.

What do you think, Nicki?

Um, I don't know, sounds about right to me.

Great.

[bell dings]

Five?

This sounds like a lot to me.

Really?

[buzzer]

[choking]

Sorry. I've got something in my throat.

[sighs] Drinking.

Boy, that always makes me think

about having kids.

Hey, uh, Kate, how you feel about public education?

I kinda like the idea of home-schooling.

Home-schooling? That doesn't make any sense.

Where you do your homework, at school? Got you there.

[buzzer]

I guess that's something I really don't have

to worry about. I don't think I want kids.

What?

[buzzer]

Oh, I-I'd like to have a whole...

...litter.

Really?

I'd be happy with just one.

Really, just one?

Maybe two.

[dings]

Really, just two?

Maybe three.

[dings]

Uh, are you sayin' that 'cause you really want three kids

or you think that's what Oswald wants you to hear?

Uh, I'd really only want one.

[buzzing]

Speaking of kids...

...isn't it fun making 'em?

Ha-ha.

Say, do you prefer "Touch me in the morning"

or "Afternoon delight"

or "Midnight at the oasis?"

Umm, is "Touch me in the morning"

the same as "Quick, I gotta go to work?"

Hey, I made up for that last night?

Oh, yeah.

[buzzer]

Well...

I know what my Katie bear likes

and that's not to discuss sexual matters during dinner.

- That's right. - Yes.

[dings]

Pinky, you want another croquettes?

Pinky, you want another croquettes, huh?

You want it? Go get it.

Get it, get it, get it.

Well...

...I propose a toast.

To health, wealth and happiness.

In whatever order it's most important to you.

Uh, Nicki.

- What? - What's the order?

Uh, I don't know.

Health, I guess.

[buzzer]

And then, I guess wealth.

[buzzer]

Yeah, to hell with happiness.

[buzzer]

- Happiness is the top for me. - Aw.

[dings]

And I don't care if I'm ever rich.

Poor and happy, can do.

[dings]

My idea of happiness is to lay around

in the sun, grooming myself.

Maybe, chase a bird or two.

[chuckles] Me too.

[dings]

Oh, it's the timer in the kitchen.

Hah.

Dinner's ready.

You like dinner, don't ya?

[buzzer]

Man, I can't believe how bad I'm doing.

Ah, no offense

but you two ever think about talking during a meal?

Shut up, I'm coming back in the second half.

Yeah, right.

Hey, where's the wine?

I could use another two to five glasses.

Um.

Oh, and, hey, it's domestic.

Boy, you know, I think American workers

are the hardest working people on the planet.

You have to agree with that, wouldn't you, Nicki?

That's not on the test.

Give me one lousy point.

Actually, in Japan...

[buzzer]

...so technically, we're not.

[laughing]

I thought this was supposed to be a romantic dinner.

What's with the "Twenty Questions?"

Oh, does examining your relationship makes you impatient

suspicious, or happy with your man?

Just shut up and kiss me.

[dings]

So, how do you feel about public displays of affection?

Um, come on, I'm the one who wanted to do it in the library.

It was story time down the hall.

[buzzer]

I don't believe you, Drew.

You're the one who told me you wanted to do it

in an airplane bathroom.

[scoffs] What, you kidding?

I can barely get myself in one of those things.

[buzzer]

I mean, they're getting smaller.

[buzzer]

[buzzer]

Kate, when uh, when two people are in love

how long do you think they should wait

until they get married?

I don't know, I guess when they have that look

in their eyes, they should just do it.

Kate, will you marry me?

Yes.

[sighs]

Let me see your eyes.

Nicki's got the look too, huh.

Uh, you wanna get married?

What?

Come on, we're perfect for each other.

Come on.

Okay. Sure.

[babbling]

[chuckles]

Hey, we're getting married.

- We should do that too. - Okay.

Drew, are you serious?

Yeah.

I can't believe this, we're all getting married.

That's great.

[laughing]

You know, I got...

...I got a really good feeling about this.

[buzzer]

I hope you enjoyed your evening.

Oh, yeah, your friends are lovely.

Umm.

And this wine is lovely.

It's a Chardonnay, 1995.

Oh.

[sniffing]

Nice, bouquet.

[sighs]

[meowing]

(Lewis) 'Ow, easy, Pinky.'

'Ow, oh, that's not nice.'

[glass breaking]