Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Hey, Drew, here's your paycheck.

Thank you. Ah!

Hey, look, a flaming non-sexual.

[laughs]

Joke's on you, Mimi, because I can turn

any disaster into a tasty treat.

Fire good, huh, Drew?

Drew brave hunter. Kill many marshmallow for long winter.

[chuckles]

Listen, I-I just came by to say I'm sorry about last night.

I'll never raise Sea-Monkeys in your beer mug again.

Yeah, I'm over it.

I just hope the little guys survive

when the levee breaks.

Actually, uh, I'm glad you're here.

I'm gonna get back at Mimi

with these cans of, uh, hairspray.

- Heh-heh. Okay. - Just play along. Oh, Mimi?

Take your best shot, pig!

Uh, actually, Kate brought down

this amazing hairspray from Cosmetics.

She says everybody's using it.

Kathie Lee, Hanson, Kiss.

- Really? - 'Yeah. Right, Kate?'

Mm. I'm gonna try it as soon as I get home.

- Well, why wait? - Ah!

Drew!

Drew, stop.

There, now I'm over the Sea-Monkeys.

Mimi, you can go now.

No flames, no screamin', no blood?

Where's the comedy?

Carey, O'Brien.

Must have been a hell of a sneeze.

Oh, anyway, Carey, Ms. Hemsworth here

has taken a job with the House of Chanel.

So I'll need to get a new women's clothing buyer.

Someone with poise and culture, who could travel to Paris

and hobnob with the fashion elite.

Poise and culture? I got crap loads of poise and culture.

I would kiss a lot of derriere

if I could go to Paris.

Well, we love to promote from within.

[chuckles] Carey, can I speak to you?

No offense, but I don't think this job is suited

for carny folk like your friend, Kate.

Uh, I look forward to reading your resume. Heh-heh.

What'd she say? She said something bad, didn't she?

Um, I don't know why, but she said you're not, uh

oh, sophisticated enough for the job.

You got some gunk hangin' out from your nose there.

[sniffles]

Ah, what was I thinking? I couldn't get that job anyway.

I'm just not one of those people.

Hey, spunky, I don't wanna hear you talkin' like that, huh?

You'd be great for that job. You know fashion.

You're not from some Pigtown, you're from Cleveland

the Paris of Northeast Ohio.

You're right! I deserve that job.

- I can get that job. - Yeah.

I mean, uh, all I have to do is

work on some of the issues that are holding me back.

- Like what? - You know...

Like my tendency to hold grudges.

[spraying]

As usual, nothing sticks around down there.

♪ Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with their crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ She's livin' in sin with a safety pin going ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[echoing] Ohio!

Okay. Okay, I'm in.

Alright, looks like a mother and daughter.

They're yelling at a guy.

I'd say the topic is "Mama, stay away from my man!"

(Drew) Then why does he have a Swastika tattooed on his forehead?

It's "He ain't heavy, he's my Nazi brother."

Oh, you poor, simple working folk.

As anyone can see, that's not a Swastika tattoo.

It's the beginning of a third eye.

(Lewis) 'And that's not a mother with her daughter.'

It's Sigourney Weaver and Paul Simon.

And this isn't water I'm drinking. It's vodka.

Which means I'm not charming and witty

I'm drunk and obnoxious.

Okay, Tim, pull the cloth!

- Oh! - Aw!

Wow. We are all wrong. It's "A Mouseketeer Reunion."

(Oswald) Huh.

Drew, did you talk to Mrs. Louder?

Did I get the buyer's job?

I talked to Mrs. Louder and she said

she can overlook the silly string.

But what she couldn't overlook was your lack of respect.

What a load of crap!

You know, I have the same problem at DrugCo.

They just don't see me as management material.

It's never, "Lewis, uh, what do we do

about all the monkey feces?"

It's, "Lewis, clean up the monkey feces.

Lewis, hose down the monkey feces."

Lewis, sweep up the monkey feces."

Monkey feces this. Monkey feces that."

Oh. That reminds me. I gotta wash my hands.

You know what you should do?

Just have a regular conversation with Mrs. Louder.

Then she can see how smart you really are.

Sure, but where are people like Lewis and me

gonna have a chance to sit down and have

a heart-to-heart with their bosses?

Oh, hey. I got an idea.

I read about this thing that's called the salon.

And you have people over and you have, like, discussions

about social issues, politics and stuff.

I got it. How do we always know when someone's sophisticated?

Uh, their zipper's zipped back up

when they come back from the bathroom.

Oh, sorry.

No. Picture this.

Bifocals and white powdered wigs.

Okay, back to the salon.

I'm not sure this is something where I can really shine.

I'm not so good at group discussions. I just get quiet.

I love group discussions. I like to pick on the quiet people.

What do you think about that, Kate, huh?

- Huh? Speak up. Don't choke. - Lewis. Lewis--

- What? What is it, Kate? What? - I, you know, but I l--

What are you trying to say? What? What is it, Kate?

- What? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! - This! What? What? What?

- Oh? Ah? - I give! I give! Ow! Oh, God!

I don't know, Drew. I'll just end up looking dumb.

No, you'll be among friends. Except for Lewis here.

And you can pick out all the subjects in advance.

You can study up on 'em.

Hey, if we're cheating, I'll invite my boss.

Inviting's easy, but how do we get the heads of two big

corporations like that to actually show up at your house?

Yahtzee: The amazing game of chance?

Well, intelligent conversation, Yahtzee.

Oh, wait till the monkeys at work hear about this.

Come Monday, we'll see who is showin' whose red ass to who.

[instrumental music]

Hey, neighbor. May I interest you in a fromage doodle?

It's made with 30% real fromage.

No, thanks. I spit the last one into my papier napkin.

Look, Carey, if we're here 'cause we're the only smart

people you know, who are these other people?

Oh, Oswald found some college kids at the library.

We gave them each a six-pack to show up.

See that guy? He's getting a 12-pack.

He skipped his bar exam to come here.

Those are pretty nice suits for college kids, hey?

Now don't be upset, Greg. You'll get them back tomorrow.

Those are my suits?

Oh. That ends the tour, boss. Is it everything I said or what?

Oh, Lewis.

It is, it is so exhilarating.

I've never seen a kitchen

with such a collection of additives and preservatives.

And, Lewis, not one piece of organic food inside.

No.

Tell me, how long ago did this man die?

He's still alive.

- Yes. - He's still alive? Oh, Lewis.

- If we could just observe him. - Observe him?

If you're gentle, it'll eat right out of your hand!

Oh, Lewis.

May I refresh your drink, Mrs. Louder?

Oh, certainly.

You know I never would have believed that

you and Drew had such a wonderful group of friends.

We checked them out at the library.

[laughing]

How droll! Ha-ha...

Droll's a compliment, everybody. It's an adjective.

[door opens]

Hey, Drew, we got some more smart people.

Where do you want 'em?

Huh. That corner looks kinda stupid.

- Okay. - Drew, I got a problem.

My boss and I are havin' a disagreement about physics.

He thinks Hawking's "Brief History Of Time" oversimplifies

the concept of dark matter in relation to the Big Bang theory.

Whereas I don't know what the hell he's talking about.

I'll tell you what I do, every time Kate brings up

something I don't know anything about, I pretend it upsets me.

Oh.

Oh, you do, do you?

Is this the time to bring this up?

In front of my friends and in front of all these people?

Oh, sweetie. I'm sorry, sweetie.

[knocking on door]

That must be more culture knockin'.

Am I late for the salon?

You're not invited, Queen Is-a-fella.

Out of my way, mallard.

I want this fashion buyer's job, too.

I'm just as sophisticated as O'Brien.

And I got culture comin' out the wazoo!

Yeah, well, you can't just barge in here.

Don't ever mention your wazoo to me again.

You give me any trouble, I'll turn this

into an episode of "Cops!"

Move it, poindexter.

Uh, okay, everybody, if we could all take our seats.

Time to get started.

Uh, as is our custom, uh, Kate will begin

as she always stimulates the most lively discussion.

Oh, no. I don't, I don't wanna--

Whoa, I don't wanna get into that with her.

And, of course, the first rebuttal will go to Lewis

the master of repartee.

- 'Ahem.' - Yup.

Oswald, the pre-selected topics, please.

Mrs. Louder, we'd be honored if you'd be the first to select.

Oh, well, thank you.

The topic we'll discuss this evening

is the poetry of James Dickey.

- Oh, I love Dickey! - Heh.

Back in the '60s, I couldn't get enough Dickey.

[laughing]

Dickey!

[laughing]

I put that one in there.

I didn't even make it up. It's a real name.

[laughing]

Oh, let's pick another topic, or he'll be giggling all night.

Help yourself.

Uh, ahem, "In your opinion, what are

the three greatest art movements of the past century?"

Ah, I think Lewis has an opinion about that, don't you, Lewis?

Yes, I do.

Surrealism, postmodernism and Dadaism.

Lewis, I had no idea you knew this much about art.

Now tell me something, do you think that Max Ernst

manipulated Peggy Guggenheim so to establish

his social position among the surrealists?

Is this any time to bring this up?

Uh, I know what we can talk about. Uh, politics.

Just the other day Kate and I were having a great discussion

about, uh, overcrowding in our penal institutions.

I'd like to handle that one if I may.

Didn't Dickey have a penal problem?

[laughing]

At, uh, DrugCo., uh

we are developing a pill that will make prisons obsolete.

Really? What does it do?

It kills you.

Ah, I said we, we're just starting

working on it, of course. That...

Well, speaking of prisons

you know, I've heard that some prisoners

now have their own website on the Internet.

Oh, there is a subject. Censorship on the Internet.

- Oh-ho, don't get me started. - Same here.

- I'm for it. - I'm against it.

Kate screwed up. I call fashion job.

I shouldn't have said anything. It's just my opinion.

And it's a stupid opinion.

- Excuse me? - You know what I think?

- Do you work for me? - No.

Then why are you talking to me?

Alright, grab our books, honey. We're out of here.

See you, Drew. See you, Ms. Daisy.

You know, that's what a salon's all about

the heated exchange of ideas--

Shut up, Drew. The Internet's for everybody.

You should be able to say whatever you wanna say.

So what you're saying is, "Don't take away my porn."

- No. - Well...

You can't just let people say whatever they want!

This stuff is in our homes!

Any good conservative will tell you that.

Well, maybe you're out of touch, 'cause a lot of conservatives

I know are against censoring the Internet!

"Out of touch?" Are you saying I'm old?

And by the way, do you have a nose that goes

with those grouch old glasses?

You've already got the moustache.

- What did you say? - Hey, here's a topic.

Shutting up. Why don't people? Kate?

I know what I'm talking about, grandma. You take that back!

I will not take it back. I will take back your job.

You are fired.

What?

You gave up your job over Internet censorship?

Way to pick your battles!

[laughing]

[door shuts]

I'm such an idiot. I-I hurt her feelings.

I gotta go talk to her.

You don't have to act like a spoilt brat

just 'cause you're wrong! It doesn't mean you're stupid!

[door shuts]

There goes the smartest woman I know.

And look, Kate's on the hood of her car.

[instrumental music]

Alright, let's roll.

So, Kate, how does it feel to be a part-time member

of the Global Parcel family?

It's mind-numbing, I figured

the whole thing out in the first 20 minutes.

Yeah, isn't it great?

Sometimes...

...I'll space out for, like, a minute.

Before I know it, the whole day is gone.

I didn't have to think once.

[horn honking]

Oh, sorry.

Hey, what are you apologizing for?

He cut you off.

Hey, learn to drive, idiot.

[horn honking]

What? Same to you, buddy!

Kate, Kate, Kate. Don't, don't, don't.

The bread-truck drivers will go off on you like that.

Wow! Oh!

Nothing says luggage like a box to the head.

Let me tell you an important part. No.

Let me tell you the only important part of this job.

Do not throw out the boxes!

[horn honking] Uh-oh, we're in trouble.

- What? - It's his buddy.

The milk truck. They have us surrounded.

[thudding]

- Uh... - Whoa!

Who thought there'd be this much excitement delivering packages?

It's not supposed to be. Damn it, honey!

You're making me think too much.

- You're fired! - Fired?

[instrumental music]

Alright, listen up, everybody.

In an effort to make the mail more efficient

it is now self-serv.

Come and get it.

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, hello, Mother Wick.

- Who's that? - It's mumsy.

- Hand it over then. - In a minute.

I want the fashion buyer's job.

If you give me that job, I'll drop the harassment suit.

I'll consider it right after I talk with mumsy.

He's busy.

I want a yes right now.

Enough, Mimi. Give me that phone!

Do you have a hearing problem? I said he's busy, you mad cow!

[receiver slams]

Mimi, I may be power mad.

I may be a corporate weasel.

I may even be a sleaze-bag.

But I am first and foremost a mama's boy.

And you never, ever insult the mama

of a mama's boy

Oh, crap. Heh.

I went too far?

Okay, well, just give me the job

and I'll be on my way.

I'm not gonna give youanything!

And, uh, I take that back.

I'm giving you a counter suit for defamation of my character.

I'll battle you to the day I die!

And then after that, I'll see you in hell!

You'll know me, I'll be the one standing there

with mymummy!

[door slams]

What's the matter, Mimi? I-I think you look pale.

But who can tell?

I think I just screwed myself big time.

Really? Was it as bad for you as it was for you?

Drew, I came as soon as you called.

- Carey, I got your message. - Drew, what's going on?

O'Brien, are you here to apologize?

I'd apologize if I was wrong, but I'm not.

I'm right, right, right, right.

You're as right as Carey is thin.

Nothing personal, I'm just saying

she's really wrong.

Ms. Louder, I think you made a mistake in firing Kate.

I don't care what you think.

I thought you'd say that.

But do you care what he thinks?

Oh, hi, Mr. Limbaugh. Just give me a chance.

I'll make the best darn sidekick you ever had.

Lady, I'm trying to tell you, I work alone.

But you have the perfect face for radio.

Don't let anybody tell you different. Wait a...

Uh, I'm sorry about that, Rush.

The thing is, uh, when you do wanna talk to her

she's usually inside playing with her tire.

[laughs]

Kate, Ms. Louder, this is Rush Limbaugh.

Hi, how are you? Nice to see you.

I caught him at a book-signing, he was nice enough

to come down and settle this argument.

Rush, tell him

that we've got to censor the Internet.

Mrs. Louder, with all due respect, uh

nobody knows better than I do, there's a whole lot of garbage

out there, but I don't wanna be the one

to take away anybody's right to free speech.

Rush agrees with me, your hero

big, famous radio guy agrees with me!

And that's not gonna help me get my job back.

So I'll shut up right now.

The point is, Mrs. Louder, not all conservatives

uh, think the same way you do. Kate was right.

She deserves to have her job back. Right, Rush?

Well, look, if Bill Clinton deserves a second chance

certainly she does.

Uh-oh, don't get him started.

[chuckles] Alright.

Well, I'm not doing it because of you, Carey.

I'm doing it for Rushy.

Thank you. And from now on, I won't argue with you anymore.

- If you can. - Are you saying I can't?

- Kate, shut up. - That's what I'm hearing--

I...

[scoffs]

- Goodbye. It's nice to see you. - Goodbye.

- Yes, bye. Bye-bye. - Thanks, Rush.

- That was really nice of you. - My, my pleasure.

Now, I remember somebody said something

about some free tickets to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Can I go with you?

Drew, you're a great guy. Obviously, a good friend.

But I cannot afford to be seen walking in

to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with a geek.

Or maybe I could have Mimi meet you there.

Alright, Dilbert, let's rock and roll. Come on.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Uh-oh. High noon, everyone.

[wind howling]

[Wild West music]

The store ain't big enough for the two of us, pig.

Yeah, the undertaker is gonna have a hell of a time

wiping the smirk off that face.

Draw!

[spraying]

[music continues]

No!

Boy, we weren't even close.

[mumbles]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]