All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show (1995) - S03E16 - The Salon (720p WEB-DL x264 8bit AAC 2.0 DJPitaB).eng

[instrumental music]

Hey, Drew, here's your paycheck.

Thank you. Ah!

Hey, look, a flaming non-sexual.

[laughs]

Joke's on you, Mimi,
because I can turn

any disaster into a tasty treat.

Fire good, huh, Drew?

Drew brave hunter. Kill many
marshmallow for long winter.

[chuckles]

Listen, I-I just came by to say
I'm sorry about last night.

I'll never raise Sea-Monkeys
in your beer mug again.

Yeah, I'm over it.

I just hope
the little guys survive

when the levee breaks.

Actually, uh,
I'm glad you're here.

I'm gonna get back at Mimi

with these cans
of, uh, hairspray.

- Heh-heh. Okay.
- Just play along. Oh, Mimi?

Take your best shot, pig!

Uh, actually, Kate brought down

this amazing hairspray
from Cosmetics.

She says everybody's using it.

Kathie Lee, Hanson, Kiss.

- Really?
- 'Yeah. Right, Kate?'

Mm. I'm gonna try it
as soon as I get home.

- Well, why wait?
- Ah!

Drew!

Drew, stop.

There, now I'm over
the Sea-Monkeys.

Mimi, you can go now.

No flames, no screamin',
no blood?

Where's the comedy?

Carey, O'Brien.

Must have been
a hell of a sneeze.

Oh, anyway, Carey,
Ms. Hemsworth here

has taken a job
with the House of Chanel.

So I'll need to get
a new women's clothing buyer.

Someone with poise and culture,
who could travel to Paris

and hobnob
with the fashion elite.

Poise and culture? I got
crap loads of poise and culture.

I would kiss a lot of derriere

if I could go to Paris.

Well, we love to promote
from within.

[chuckles]
Carey, can I speak to you?

No offense, but I don't think
this job is suited

for carny folk
like your friend, Kate.

Uh, I look forward
to reading your resume. Heh-heh.

What'd she say? She said
something bad, didn't she?

Um, I don't know why,
but she said you're not, uh

oh, sophisticated enough
for the job.

You got some gunk hangin' out
from your nose there.

[sniffles]

Ah, what was I thinking?
I couldn't get that job anyway.

I'm just not
one of those people.

Hey, spunky, I don't wanna
hear you talkin' like that, huh?

You'd be great for that job.
You know fashion.

You're not from some Pigtown,
you're from Cleveland

the Paris of Northeast Ohio.

You're right!
I deserve that job.

- I can get that job.
- Yeah.

I mean, uh, all I have to do is

work on some of the issues
that are holding me back.

- Like what?
- You know...

Like my tendency
to hold grudges.

[spraying]

As usual, nothing sticks around
down there.

♪ Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks
with their crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks
Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ She's livin' in sin
with a safety pin going ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks
Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[echoing]
Ohio!

Okay. Okay, I'm in.

Alright, looks like
a mother and daughter.

They're yelling at a guy.

I'd say the topic is
"Mama, stay away from my man!"

(Drew)
Then why does he have a Swastika
tattooed on his forehead?

It's "He ain't heavy,
he's my Nazi brother."

Oh, you poor, simple
working folk.

As anyone can see,
that's not a Swastika tattoo.

It's the beginning
of a third eye.

(Lewis)
'And that's not a mother
with her daughter.'

It's Sigourney Weaver
and Paul Simon.

And this isn't water
I'm drinking. It's vodka.

Which means
I'm not charming and witty

I'm drunk and obnoxious.

Okay, Tim, pull the cloth!

- Oh!
- Aw!

Wow. We are all wrong.
It's "A Mouseketeer Reunion."

(Oswald)
Huh.

Drew, did you talk
to Mrs. Louder?

Did I get the buyer's job?

I talked to Mrs. Louder
and she said

she can overlook
the silly string.

But what she couldn't overlook
was your lack of respect.

What a load of crap!

You know, I have
the same problem at DrugCo.

They just don't see me
as management material.

It's never,
"Lewis, uh, what do we do

about all the monkey feces?"

It's, "Lewis,
clean up the monkey feces.

Lewis, hose down
the monkey feces."

Lewis, sweep up
the monkey feces."

Monkey feces this.
Monkey feces that."

Oh. That reminds me.
I gotta wash my hands.

You know what you should do?

Just have a regular conversation
with Mrs. Louder.

Then she can see
how smart you really are.

Sure, but where are
people like Lewis and me

gonna have a chance
to sit down and have

a heart-to-heart
with their bosses?

Oh, hey. I got an idea.

I read about this thing
that's called the salon.

And you have people over
and you have, like, discussions

about social issues,
politics and stuff.

I got it. How do we always know
when someone's sophisticated?

Uh, their zipper's
zipped back up

when they come back
from the bathroom.

Oh, sorry.

No. Picture this.

Bifocals
and white powdered wigs.

Okay, back to the salon.

I'm not sure this is something
where I can really shine.

I'm not so good at group
discussions. I just get quiet.

I love group discussions. I like
to pick on the quiet people.

What do you think about that,
Kate, huh?

- Huh? Speak up. Don't choke.
- Lewis. Lewis--

- What? What is it, Kate? What?
- I, you know, but I l--

What are you trying
to say? What? What is it, Kate?

- What? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
- This! What? What? What?

- Oh? Ah?
- I give! I give! Ow! Oh, God!

I don't know, Drew.
I'll just end up looking dumb.

No, you'll be among friends.
Except for Lewis here.

And you can pick out
all the subjects in advance.

You can study up on 'em.

Hey, if we're cheating,
I'll invite my boss.

Inviting's easy, but how do we
get the heads of two big

corporations like that to
actually show up at your house?

Yahtzee: The amazing
game of chance?

Well, intelligent conversation,
Yahtzee.

Oh, wait till the monkeys
at work hear about this.

Come Monday, we'll see who is
showin' whose red ass to who.

[instrumental music]

Hey, neighbor. May I interest
you in a fromage doodle?

It's made with 30% real fromage.

No, thanks. I spit the last one
into my papier napkin.

Look, Carey, if we're here
'cause we're the only smart

people you know,
who are these other people?

Oh, Oswald found some
college kids at the library.

We gave them each a six-pack
to show up.

See that guy?
He's getting a 12-pack.

He skipped his bar exam
to come here.

Those are pretty nice suits
for college kids, hey?

Now don't be upset, Greg.
You'll get them back tomorrow.

Those are my suits?

Oh. That ends the tour, boss.
Is it everything I said or what?

Oh, Lewis.

It is, it is so exhilarating.

I've never seen a kitchen

with such a collection
of additives and preservatives.

And, Lewis, not one piece
of organic food inside.

No.

Tell me, how long ago
did this man die?

He's still alive.

- Yes.
- He's still alive? Oh, Lewis.

- If we could just observe him.
- Observe him?

If you're gentle, it'll eat
right out of your hand!

Oh, Lewis.

May I refresh your drink,
Mrs. Louder?

Oh, certainly.

You know I never would
have believed that

you and Drew had such
a wonderful group of friends.

We checked them out
at the library.

[laughing]

How droll! Ha-ha...

Droll's a compliment, everybody.
It's an adjective.

[door opens]

Hey, Drew, we got
some more smart people.

Where do you want 'em?

Huh. That corner looks
kinda stupid.

- Okay.
- Drew, I got a problem.

My boss and I are havin'
a disagreement about physics.

He thinks Hawking's "Brief
History Of Time" oversimplifies

the concept of dark matter in
relation to the Big Bang theory.

Whereas I don't know what
the hell he's talking about.

I'll tell you what I do,
every time Kate brings up

something I don't know anything
about, I pretend it upsets me.

Oh.

Oh, you do, do you?

Is this the time
to bring this up?

In front of my friends and
in front of all these people?

Oh, sweetie.
I'm sorry, sweetie.

[knocking on door]

That must be
more culture knockin'.

Am I late for the salon?

You're not invited,
Queen Is-a-fella.

Out of my way, mallard.

I want
this fashion buyer's job, too.

I'm just as sophisticated
as O'Brien.

And I got culture
comin' out the wazoo!

Yeah, well,
you can't just barge in here.

Don't ever mention
your wazoo to me again.

You give me any trouble,
I'll turn this

into an episode of "Cops!"

Move it, poindexter.

Uh, okay, everybody,
if we could all take our seats.

Time to get started.

Uh, as is our custom,
uh, Kate will begin

as she always stimulates
the most lively discussion.

Oh, no. I don't, I don't wanna--

Whoa, I don't wanna
get into that with her.

And, of course, the first
rebuttal will go to Lewis

the master of repartee.

- 'Ahem.'
- Yup.

Oswald, the pre-selected topics, please.

Mrs. Louder, we'd be honored
if you'd be the first to select.

Oh, well, thank you.

The topic we'll discuss
this evening

is the poetry of James Dickey.

- Oh, I love Dickey!
- Heh.

Back in the '60s,
I couldn't get enough Dickey.

[laughing]

Dickey!

[laughing]

I put that one in there.

I didn't even make it up.
It's a real name.

[laughing]

Oh, let's pick another topic,
or he'll be giggling all night.

Help yourself.

Uh, ahem,
"In your opinion, what are

the three greatest art movements
of the past century?"

Ah, I think Lewis has an opinion
about that, don't you, Lewis?

Yes, I do.

Surrealism, postmodernism
and Dadaism.

Lewis, I had no idea
you knew this much about art.

Now tell me something,
do you think that Max Ernst

manipulated Peggy Guggenheim
so to establish

his social position
among the surrealists?

Is this any time
to bring this up?

Uh, I know what we can
talk about. Uh, politics.

Just the other day Kate and I
were having a great discussion

about, uh, overcrowding
in our penal institutions.

I'd like to handle that one
if I may.

Didn't Dickey
have a penal problem?

[laughing]

At, uh, DrugCo., uh

we are developing a pill
that will make prisons obsolete.

Really? What does it do?

It kills you.

Ah, I said we,
we're just starting

working on it, of course. That...

Well, speaking of prisons

you know, I've heard
that some prisoners

now have their own website
on the Internet.

Oh, there is a subject.
Censorship on the Internet.

- Oh-ho, don't get me started.
- Same here.

- I'm for it.
- I'm against it.

Kate screwed up.
I call fashion job.

I shouldn't have said anything.
It's just my opinion.

And it's a stupid opinion.

- Excuse me?
- You know what I think?

- Do you work for me?
- No.

Then why are you talking to me?

Alright, grab our books, honey.
We're out of here.

See you, Drew.
See you, Ms. Daisy.

You know, that's what
a salon's all about

the heated exchange of ideas--

Shut up, Drew.
The Internet's for everybody.

You should be able to say
whatever you wanna say.

So what you're saying is,
"Don't take away my porn."

- No.
- Well...

You can't just let people
say whatever they want!

This stuff is in our homes!

Any good conservative
will tell you that.

Well, maybe you're out of touch,
'cause a lot of conservatives

I know are against
censoring the Internet!

"Out of touch?"
Are you saying I'm old?

And by the way,
do you have a nose that goes

with those grouch old glasses?

You've already got
the moustache.

- What did you say?
- Hey, here's a topic.

Shutting up. Why don't people?
Kate?

I know what I'm talking about,
grandma. You take that back!

I will not take it back.
I will take back your job.

You are fired.

What?

You gave up your job
over Internet censorship?

Way to pick your battles!

[laughing]

[door shuts]

I'm such an idiot.
I-I hurt her feelings.

I gotta go talk to her.

You don't have to act
like a spoilt brat

just 'cause you're wrong!
It doesn't mean you're stupid!

[door shuts]

There goes the smartest woman
I know.

And look,
Kate's on the hood of her car.

[instrumental music]

Alright, let's roll.

So, Kate, how does it feel
to be a part-time member

of the Global Parcel family?

It's mind-numbing, I figured

the whole thing out
in the first 20 minutes.

Yeah, isn't it great?

Sometimes...

...I'll space out
for, like, a minute.

Before I know it,
the whole day is gone.

I didn't have to think once.

[horn honking]

Oh, sorry.

Hey, what are you
apologizing for?

He cut you off.

Hey, learn to drive, idiot.

[horn honking]

What? Same to you, buddy!

Kate, Kate, Kate.
Don't, don't, don't.

The bread-truck drivers
will go off on you like that.

Wow! Oh!

Nothing says luggage
like a box to the head.

Let me tell you
an important part. No.

Let me tell you the only
important part of this job.

Do not throw out the boxes!

[horn honking]
Uh-oh, we're in trouble.

- What?
- It's his buddy.

The milk truck.
They have us surrounded.

[thudding]

- Uh...
- Whoa!

Who thought there'd be this much
excitement delivering packages?

It's not supposed to be.
Damn it, honey!

You're making me think too much.

- You're fired!
- Fired?

[instrumental music]

Alright, listen up, everybody.

In an effort to make the mail
more efficient

it is now self-serv.

Come and get it.

[telephone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, hello, Mother Wick.

- Who's that?
- It's mumsy.

- Hand it over then.
- In a minute.

I want the fashion buyer's job.

If you give me that job,
I'll drop the harassment suit.

I'll consider it
right after I talk with mumsy.

He's busy.

I want a yes right now.

Enough, Mimi.
Give me that phone!

Do you have a hearing problem?
I said he's busy, you mad cow!

[receiver slams]

Mimi, I may be power mad.

I may be a corporate weasel.

I may even be a sleaze-bag.

But I am first and foremost
a mama's boy.

And you never, ever insult
the mama

of a mama's boy

Oh, crap. Heh.

I went too far?

Okay, well, just give me the job

and I'll be on my way.

I'm not gonna give youanything!

And, uh, I take that back.

I'm giving you a counter suit
for defamation of my character.

I'll battle you
to the day I die!

And then after that,
I'll see you in hell!

You'll know me,
I'll be the one standing there

with mymummy!

[door slams]

What's the matter, Mimi?
I-I think you look pale.

But who can tell?

I think I just screwed myself
big time.

Really? Was it as bad for you
as it was for you?

Drew, I came
as soon as you called.

- Carey, I got your message.
- Drew, what's going on?

O'Brien, are you here
to apologize?

I'd apologize if I was wrong,
but I'm not.

I'm right, right, right, right.

You're as right
as Carey is thin.

Nothing personal,
I'm just saying

she's really wrong.

Ms. Louder, I think you made
a mistake in firing Kate.

I don't care what you think.

I thought you'd say that.

But do you care what he thinks?

Oh, hi, Mr. Limbaugh.
Just give me a chance.

I'll make the best darn sidekick
you ever had.

Lady, I'm trying to tell you,
I work alone.

But you have the perfect face
for radio.

Don't let anybody
tell you different. Wait a...

Uh, I'm sorry about that, Rush.

The thing is, uh, when you
do wanna talk to her

she's usually inside
playing with her tire.

[laughs]

Kate, Ms. Louder,
this is Rush Limbaugh.

Hi, how are you?
Nice to see you.

I caught him at a book-signing,
he was nice enough

to come down
and settle this argument.

Rush, tell him

that we've got to censor
the Internet.

Mrs. Louder,
with all due respect, uh

nobody knows better than I do,
there's a whole lot of garbage

out there,
but I don't wanna be the one

to take away anybody's
right to free speech.

Rush agrees with me, your hero

big, famous radio guy
agrees with me!

And that's not gonna help me
get my job back.

So I'll shut up right now.

The point is, Mrs. Louder,
not all conservatives

uh, think the same way you do.
Kate was right.

She deserves to have her job
back. Right, Rush?

Well, look, if Bill Clinton
deserves a second chance

certainly she does.

Uh-oh, don't get him started.

[chuckles]
Alright.

Well, I'm not doing it
because of you, Carey.

I'm doing it for Rushy.

Thank you. And from now on,
I won't argue with you anymore.

- If you can.
- Are you saying I can't?

- Kate, shut up.
- That's what I'm hearing--

I...

[scoffs]

- Goodbye. It's nice to see you.
- Goodbye.

- Yes, bye. Bye-bye.
- Thanks, Rush.

- That was really nice of you.
- My, my pleasure.

Now, I remember
somebody said something

about some free tickets to
the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Can I go with you?

Drew, you're a great guy.
Obviously, a good friend.

But I cannot afford to be seen
walking in

to the Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame with a geek.

Or maybe I could have
Mimi meet you there.

Alright, Dilbert,
let's rock and roll. Come on.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Uh-oh. High noon, everyone.

[wind howling]

[Wild West music]

The store ain't big enough
for the two of us, pig.

Yeah, the undertaker is gonna
have a hell of a time

wiping the smirk off that face.

Draw!

[spraying]

[music continues]

No!

Boy, we weren't even close.

[mumbles]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]