Original subtitles

Oh, I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

Shh.

["Un Homme Et Une Femme" by Francis Lai]

[music continues]

[Drew sighing] Uh, it's pepperoni with, black peppers

and onions, and New York crust.

You win.

- That was incredible. - Yeah.

Wanna do it again?

Damn, I'm not a machine.

[chuckling]

What the hell, let's, uh...

...let's get the can opener.

["Cleveland Rocks"]

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with the crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin goin' ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

Ohio!

(Nigel) Mimi, Mimi.

Mimi, look, I'm sorry I came up with this

whole phony sexual harassment idea.

Can't you just drop this suit

and we can go back to being friends?

I don't know.

I'll give you a big kiss.

On the lips or free-range?

Oh, forget it.

You'd just be doin' it for all the wrong reasons.

Please, I'll do anything. I just want it to stop.

Well, maybe if you just do one little thing for me

and read this over the PA.

Fine.

Attention, everyone, I have an announcement to make.

"I'm a mamma's boy with girly hands and ample pasty hips.

When I'm spanked by German girls I like to wear a slip."

Alright, I thought about it.

No!

And that was reading from Drew Carey's private diaries.

Tomorrow, the high school years.

"Why is everyone fuzzy, but me?"

I'm lookin' for Mimi Bobeck.

Who's askin'?

The best sexual harassment lawyer in Cleveland.

Hey. I'm talkin' to you too, babe.

What attracted to your specialty?

I'm the one that called you. I'm Mimi Bobeck.

Bobby Marchetti, nice to meet you.

You can sit here.

Pig's still out to lunch.

Okay, here's the deal.

I wanna take this place for two million bucks.

Hey, you and me both, but this is not an open and shut case.

First of all, you look like a whack job.

Oh, ow. That really hurts coming from Tom Cruise.

At least you talk straight. I like that.

Whatever you do, don't make that face in court.

What face?

Look, I am what I am and one more comment like that

and I can change who you are.

I'm sorry, Ms. Bobeck, I don't think I can help you.

You won't get sympathy from a jury.

You're right.

It's just that, sometimes I have to put on a tough face

to hide the pain.

I just haven't had an easy life.

I just, I don't know where to turn.

Hey, I'm sorry.

So how was that?

I'll take the case.

Mimi, what are you doin' in my cubical? Who's this?

Her lawyer.

Is this the guy who touched you?

No. If he was the one who touched me

I wouldn't need a lawyer, I'd need a corner

'cause I'd have to kill myself.

Oh, really?

- Touch, touch, touch. - Stop it!

Hey, hey, hey, restrain yourself.

Mrs. Louder is on her way up

and I heard it's about your promotion.

Oh, my gosh. How do I look?

- Ready for a let down. - Yeah.

Carey... Oh, O'Brien, how are you?

Don't waste my time answering.

Carey, you're invited to Mr. Louder's

birthday party, Friday night.

A birthday party for Mr. Louder?

Well, that sounds great.

He's been dead for years, she's lost her mind.

I know my husband is dead, and I'm not deaf, either.

Every year, I invite Cleveland's A-list

to celebrate his birthday.

And of course, Mr. Louder makes a short speech.

- Aww, of course he does. - Yeah.

He recorded them before he died.

We had him cryogenically frozen.

You had him preserved?

Yes, and he'd still be frozen

if I had bought a damn surge protector.

But a 180 pounds of bad Louder

you don't wanna keep that around the house.

The point is that every year we pick

two or three up-and-comers to toast Mr. Louder.

And, Carey, this year you are one of them.

Wow, after 12 years I'm a up-and-comer.

Nobody else wanted to do it, huh?

- Yes. - Alright.

Well, I'd work hard on that toast.

Because this year the best one wins

five hundred shares of stock in Winfred-Louder.

Five hundred shares?

The party at 7 sharp, and you're expected to bring a date.

If worse come to worse, I've got a sister.

Fresh or frozen?

Come on, guys, I gotta leave in 15 minutes.

I still haven't found anything nice to say about Mr. Louder.

I got somethin', it says here he invented the word Sweatshop.

Really?

Mr. Louder was a crusader for worker's rights?

Well, not exactly, he's quoted as saying

"I wanna see my workers sweat so much in my shop

"I can call them Sweatshops.

"Or maybe stink-boxes.

"Oh, hell, I don't care, I hate workers.

"Hey, where's my hat?

I think I'm gonna be sick."

Huh, oh, he was a drinker too.

Kate, you got anything about him?

Well, kinda, did you know he invented the cubical?

- No way! - Yeah.

Originally it was a cage, but he experimented

and found out you only need three walls

and people are trapped in their minds.

Oh my god, I could just walk out.

Drew, are you sure you wanna toast this sleaze bag?

Hey, he's dead and I need the shares of stock.

I need a nest egg.

I had a nest egg, but I lost to gambling.

I was bettin' I'd be dead by now.

So what are you gonna say?

I don't think any of this stuff

is gonna help you get that stock.

Oh, I guess I have to rely on jokes.

Now, listen, officially you guys are there

to run the lights and projectors.

But, unofficially, you're now my designated laughers.

Well, we've been workin' on a couple of options.

First, there's the Country Club laugh.

[laughing]

The Boss Just Told A Bad Joke Laugh.

[laughing]

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, you've heard my material, I could get some laughs.

[laughing]

Seriously.

- Yeah, Drew. - Sure you can.

Okay, listen, do the Boss one.

[laughing]

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, uh, Nicki, if you give me a few seconds

I'm just, uh, butterin' up my toast.

Hey, butter, toast. That's good, write that down.

Um, Drew, I was thinking, I don't feel so well.

Maybe, you should go without me.

Oh, why? What's wrong?

Drew, I didn't realize how much weight I gained

till I put this dress on.

Oh, come on, I'm sure you look great.

Oh my god!

You look beautiful.

Oh, come on, when you go through those doors

you're gonna be the biggest thing there since...

I am never going out in public again.

You're being too hard on yourself.

You look great.

And that slit in the back is very sexy.

What slit?

Oh my god!

Can nothing contain me?

Oh, come on, honey.

I like the way you look.

So you got a little junk in your trunk.

[screams]

Drew! Drew!

You miss sleepin' alone?

- No. - Get out of here.

- Be gentle. - Ugh.

- You okay? - No.

You know, when Drew and I first started dating

I used to wear his T-shirts as bed shirts.

Now, I wear them as T-shirts.

Believe me, you're much more aware of this

than anybody else.

Really?

You know, maybe you're right.

I'm being oversensitive.

I mean, every woman's got something.

I've got my weight.

You've got your hair.

Thanks, Kate.

Oh, I'm glad to make you feel better.

Guess what?

I'm gonna go with you after all.

In-in that?

Well, that's great!

[knock on door]

Oh, that must be Charlie looking for one of his angels.

Drew.

Oh.

Well, you and Nicki

left these keys at the bar last night.

Wow! I've been looking all over for these.

Where'd you find 'em?

We asked around the bar

some people said they belong to that good-lookin' couple.

See?

So we went to their house...

...and they said they belong to the chubby couple.

See ya, man.

I'm fat... and ugly.

I gotta go.

Nicki, come on.

Boy, women are so touchy about their weights.

You wouldn't catch me runnin' out of the room

cryin' just 'cause of an extra ten pounds.

Hmm, I'm glad you said that, buddy.

Because, I've been meanin' tell ya

you're gettin' a little flabby around the middle there.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.

Oh.

N-now you see, that's the way a guy deals with it.

I called Nicki's house, I paged her.

I even have 17 cars out in the streets lookin' for her.

You called the cops?

No! Dominos.

Oh.

Oswald and Lewis here yet?

Yep. They're in the balcony setting up.

Wait till you hear the music.

What music? I didn't ask for any music.

Oh, yeah. It's a surprise.

(Drew) 'Oh, there's Mrs. Louder.'

Hey, Mrs. Louder.

[trumpet music]

What the hell is that?

Oh, y-you triggered the music cue.

That's a negative on the cue, good buddy. Over.

What're you guys tryin' to do to me?

It was Lewis' idea.

I thought it was stupid. I-I said so too.

Yeah.

You know better than to

trust Lewis on this kinda stuff.

If Lewis said, I don't know like

"Shoot a confetti cannon at Drew's head

at the end of his speech."

Would you have listened to him then?

'Course not.

That would be dangerous and stupid.

I copy that, Oswald.

Kill the cannon.

Oh, hey.

Some tux...

...here and some tucks here

and you wouldn't look like such a fat pig.

Mimi, what're you doin' here?

Company's suckin' up to me big time

'cause of the lawsuit.

They even sent the car for me.

Oh, too bad it missed.

Take you seats, people.

We're about to begin.

'Now, we'll begin the round of toasts.'

May I introduce a promising new employee

Randall C Johnson from shoes.

Drew, forgive me.

On, Nicki! You're here, that's great.

Oh, I was being stupid and selfish.

I just want you to know, I'm here for ya.

I'm gonna go in the back and watch.

No, no, no, I want you to sit right here, next to me.

Oh, come on, you don't wanna be seen with me.

Wow, that is so sad.

And to think that was my pickup line for years.

Well, it worked on me.

I'm up. Wish me luck.

Go get 'em, baby.

Hey, uh...

I really have to cheer her up so

go get Oswald and tell him when I go like this...

to put the spotlight on her.

Got it.

And now the man who's here...

...only because we needed three speakers.. Drew Carey.

Thank you, for that touching introduction.

[laughter]

I'll have some of what the boys up there are having.

[laughing continues]

But seriously...

[laughing stops]

...it's an honor to be here to give this toast.

I hope you like your toast dry.

I prefer mine buttered myself.

Okay, I better get on with the toast...

Listen, before I do, I just wanna tell ya

that win or lose

I'm the luckiest guy alive.

'Cause I'm...

...here with the most beautiful woman in the room.

A woman who doesn't even know how beautiful she is.

My girlfriend, a real lady.

Nicki Pfeiffer.

(Drew) 'Uh..'

Did I mention, she plays the chicken?

Okay, back to me.

(Drew) Alright! Over here, guys!

Would you get that damn thing off of her?

[trumpet music]

What're you guys, tryin' to get me fired?

You heard the man! Fire!

Okay.

There.

Top that.

[trumpet music]

[music continues]

Nicki!

(Mrs. Louder) 'Drew, this is Mrs. Louder.'

'I just want you to know that Anderson got up there'

'after you left, totally drunk'

'offending every ethnic group, age, and sex in the room'

'exposed himself'

'and still beat you handily.'

'Goodnight.'

Nicki...

...what're you doin' out here?

Counting the stars.

Just shoot around me.

Look...

I'm really sorry about what happened tonight.

What're you sorry about?

You weren't the one playing the chicken.

God help me, Drew, later on I'm accompaning myself on the ham.

So what?

You know, you're not what you think you are.

What do you think I think I am?

I think you're beautiful.

- And? - And I think you're funny.

- And? - And I think you're smart.

And, and? Just say it!

Oh, pfft, alright, I'll say it.

You're moderately overweight.

Say it.

Okay.

Alright, why shouldn't I say it?

There's no shame in sayin' it.

You're fat.

Oh.

Okay, but so what?

You know what, "fat"...

...it's great.

Listen...

I mean, think of all the famous, fat couples.

Dan and Rosanne.

Tom and Rosanne.

Ben and Rosanne.

Ben and Jerry, and Rosanne.

Yeah, but it's different for you.

You have fun fat.

Oh, so do you.

My fat wouldn't like your fat

if it was all stuck-up and snooty.

What're you save me the joys of living large now?

There's a lot of things great about bein' overweight.

We're sittin' out here in the freezin' weather

but are we cold? No.

'Cause we're fat.

If Oswald and Lewis, was, was out here

they'd freeze to death.

And then, you know what we'd do?

We'd eat 'em and we'd get fatter.

Look, um...

...what I'm tryin' to say is

that, I...

I love you.

'Cause, baby, you're the fattest!

You're the best boyfriend in the world.

But, Drew, I-I gotta try and lose some weight.

Well, alright.

I'm gon-I'm gonna Miss Naked Nacho night.

Oh, I can still watch.

Oh. So, technically, I guess that'd be uh...

...snackurbation.

That's right, baby.

Eat for me.

Save it for the kitchen.

Mail call!

Lopez, paycheck.

By the way, there's been a lot of missing

paychecks this morning.

Oh, no.

But here's the weird coincidence.

Contributes to my Sexual Harassment Legal fund

are the only ones who's checks magically re-appear.

Oh.

Abracadabra, what's that behind your ear?

I said a contribution, not a couple of coins.

Voila.

[chuckles]