Original subtitles

Morning, Mimi.

You look sexy today!

I look sexy every day.

What the hell is goin' on?

I need to talk to you.

No, no. Not my office. It could be bugged.

We need to find somewhere private. A dead zone.

Somewhere management doesn't even know exists.

- Drew's cubicle? - Perfect.

Now, Mimi...

...I want to sexually harass you.

Ready.

- Do you need a minute? - Mimi.

Not now, not here. Not really.

Then why the yank?

It's part of my plan to get back at Winfred-Lauder.

They are going to fire me.

But you're beautiful.

Unless, of course, they are firin' all the beautiful people.

Holy cripes, I'm next!

No, no, no, it's just me. Here.

Look at this confidential memo I accidentally found

while rifling through Mrs. Lauder's purse.

"Agenda for Friday, reschedule board meeting.

"Third world labor getting too expensive

"look for fourth world.

Oh, my God! Celebrate Mr. Wick's firing next Friday."

Celebrating!

They are celebrating the fortune they're saving.

Fired me a month before I'm vested for pension.

I'll lose everything and be deported.

So, what you're telling me is that you wanna do it with me

before you go back to that sexless country?

There's a little more to it.

I sexually harass you, you sue the company.

I confess.

And you win millions.

Then we split the money and live a life of luxury

in some remote tropical island.

What do you say?

Slow the boat, mister. Huh.

I ain't gonna lie about sexual harassment.

Damn.

You're gonna actually have to do it.

Damn.

I mean great.

And after we do it and we rehearse a little...

Well, we're gonna need a witness.

Someone gullible.

Yes, a real stooge.

Someone easily manipulated.

Now, who do I have in the palm of my hand?

I know, Henderson.

Henderson's practically 300 years old.

Can't hardly remember to put pants on.

- Burkhalter. - Oh, no.

Not since his stroke. He called me Churchill

in the elevator this morning.

- What about Lee? - No.

- O'Connor? - No.

- Leder? - No.

- Naegle? - No.

- Madeline? - No.

- Firestein? - Oh, no.

- Graham? - No.

- Mulroy? - No.

Hmm. Then what about Cooter in Accounting?

No. I know, what about him?

Brilliant!

Lewis, this hamburger is great. Where'd you get it?

Uh, from the Drug Co. cafeteria.

Actually, it's more of a test kitchen.

Test kitchen, huh?

Lot of words I like to hear before kitchen.

Grandma's...

Fully stocked...

'Mama Leone's..'

"Test" isn't one of 'em.

This is a real hamburger?

You tell me.

See, I get, uh, 20 bucks for each questionnaire I fill out.

Now, do you feel any, uh, bloating

mood swings...

...loosening of teeth?

I'll give you some loose teeth if you don't tell me

what's in this hamburger.

Oh, it's a big 10-4 in the mood swings.

Stooge has landed. Show time.

So, that's why you wanted to keep me through lunch?

So, you could get grabby?

That's sexual harassment, mister.

Mimi, if you want a promotion

the ladder to the top goes through my pants.

Oh!

Hey, did you hear that?

What?

This ringing in my ears.

I can't hear anything, but ring in ears.

And how come I can only whisper?

Oh, that's probably the secret sauce.

Don't worry, it'll go away in a few seconds

and be replaced by a feelin' of pleasure.

Oh, come on. What do you take me...

Oh, yeah.

He didn't see us. Let's go into my office and try it again.

No way. Screw subtlety.

We gotta go for it right here.

Alright.

Oh, now you're talkin'.

But he still can't see us.

Move with me.

Drew! Drew, look!

What's eight inches tall and makes me really, really happy?

Just about anything.

No.

My new shoes.

I'm so hip it hurts, baby.

Who do I re... Who do I remind you of?

Robocop.

Oh, yeah? Watch me walk away and tell me it's not sexy.

Uh-huh? Oh!

You okay?

'Yeah, this letter opener broke my fall!'

(Mr. Wick) 'I don't care who sees.'

'I'm the boss, you'll do what I want.'

And I want you right now on Terry's desk.

Oh, my God, the hamburger must have killed me.

I'm in hell.

Get him off me!

[grunting]

Let go!

- Unhook your ankles. - Oh, oh.

Sorry, I was tryin' to kick him but my heels locked.

You listen to me, Carey. You didn't see this.

[Mimi crying]

He just came at me, Drew.

I can't believe I used to have a crush on him.

Why would he do this to me?

I'm sure it's a question lot of people

are gonna be asking, Mimi.

[continues crying]

Don't worry, I-I saw the whole thing.

He's not gonna get away with it.

Thanks. I always knew you had a big heart.

I just thought it was medical.

I have to get some air.

Oh, well, what happened to Mimi?

Well, I think it was either early childhood trauma

or inbreeding.

Oh, you mean this morning?

Uh, I had her transferred to another department

till this whole thing works out.

So listen, Joanne, you realize when you volunteered

for this job that Mr. Wick has been accused of

but not convicted of sexual harassment.

Hey, I've been working in the cafeteria for 30 years.

I just wanna sit, huh?

Mail call! Mail call!

Hey, Johnson, air-mail.

What's the idea? I'm a trained professional.

Replaced me with the Slop Lady.

I had no choice. The anti-Christ was afraid to sit at your desk.

How's the new job going, Mimi?

It sucks.

Did you talk to the lawyer?

Oh, yeah. Your ass is so grass.

When we cash in...

...I'm gonna hire a gardener to mow the grass on my arse.

Uh, Mr. Wick, I'm sorry but as head of Human Resources

I-I can't have you anywhere near Mimi.

That's right, your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi.

Your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi.

Boy, no matter how many times I say that, it still sounds weird.

I gotta go, anyway.

- Hey, Kosar. - Yeah.

Letter from the World League. They still say no.

Uh, Mr. Wick.

Listen, there's something I wanna know.

There's things men will do for power

there's things men will do for desire

there's things men will do on a dare...

...but what the hell is that?

I know it's wrong but I just can't help myself.

Oh, why am I telling you? You'll just repeat it in court.

You, of all people, should understand.

It started when she took care of me during my breakdown.

I began fantasizing about her night and day.

Naughty, dirty little fantasies.

Licking that make-up off of her face

Stop, stop.

Mr. Wick, if you don't want my testimony all over your suit

you'll stop it right now.

Carey.

We need to talk about this sexual harassment lawsuit

between Wick and Bobeck.

Don't worry, Mrs. Lauder, I saw the whole thing.

I'm gonna testify and make sure it never happens again.

I like your spirit.

Now, let's see what we can do to break it.

- You are not going to testify. - What?

With you, they have an open-and-shut case.

It could cost the store millions.

Look, I-I know what I saw and I can't lie.

Alright.

That's fair.

Oh, by the way...

Wanna buy a new Mercedes for 10 bucks?

I will not take a bribe.

There's a new pizza oven up in House Wares

with your name on it.

Forget it! I'm gonna testify.

Fine. Then here's your choice.

Change your mind right now or I'm demoting you

back to the Sales floor where you started.

Fine. Then demote me.

I'm givin' up my job for Mimi.

That's right, I'm givin' up my job for Mimi.

I am giving up my job for Mimi.

Boy, no matter how many times I say that, it still sounds weird.

Yeah, you're working in furs now, Carey.

This ain't some salary job up on the fifth floor

where you can sit on your can all day.

Down here, commission is king.

I guess it's no different than selling, like, you know

leather shoes or belts.

Except your belt does have a face on the end of it.

[chuckling]

Here, this pamphlet will help.

Explains why it's good to buy a fur.

You see, in the wild, they die some horrible violent deaths.

But these furs, are raised on the farm.

They get their own little wire cage. Three squares a day.

And then in the end, a very humane anal electrocution.

Well, he does seem to be enjoyin' in this cartoon here.

Hi, can you help me?

My parents said I could buy a fur but...

...shouldn't the fur stay on the animal?

Oh, no. I mean, look, he's a little embarrassed

to be in his underwear, but otherwise he's fine.

Well, okay.

Okay. You convinced me.

Let's see here.

I'll take these three.

Three! Wow. Three, that's great.

Ha ha. Boy, you can't go wrong with a coat made out of...

That looks like Benji, doesn't it?

I'll just get my credit card.

Hey, Larry. Check out my first day's commission.

Fur is murder! Fur is murder! Fur is murder!

Well, I, I guess it's okay.

I mean, you know, since you're buyin' 'em.

- Fenderman! - Almada.

I, I didn't know she was a protestor.

And you, young lady. This isn't a credit card.

It's a card from Baskin Robbins. Coupon for free ice cream.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to confiscate this.

So, where'd you find those? Your mommy's dresser?

No. Your wife gives them away free if you buy her a drink.

Please, you don't even need the drink.

Oswald!

Hey, Larry. Nice to see you're dating again.

Hey, Drew. I came down as soon as I heard about it.

Are you okay man?

Actually I'm lookin forward to my anal electrocution.

What's this?

It's a package for Mimi and Wick.

Mimi and..from the Cayman Islands Bank Of Trust.

That's weird.

Huh, Cayman Islands. Money launderer to the world.

How do you know that?

Says so right on the stamp.

I think we should open this.

Nope. Can't do. Federal crime.

If you touch that

I'm authorized to borrow a gun and shoot you.

What if it gets open by accident?

- Happens all the time. - Whoops.

It's a toaster.

A breakfast king 2000 with bread alignment and tele-toast.

Boy, there's nothin' like that new toaster smell, I tell you.

Well, it's a gift for opening a new account

and not just any account.

A joint account for future deposit.

Hmm... Mimi, Wick, joint accounts.

Cayman islands free toaster. Somethin's goin' on here.

She yelled "Bald is murder" then ran away.

(Oswald) 'Boy, it sure is spooky in this old store at night.'

Yeah, can't believe old man McPherson didn't see us slip in.

What are we doing at Mimi's desk

when she's in the mailroom now.

She hasn't cleared all her stuff out yet. Just keep lookin'.

Oswald, go see if the guard's still asleep.

[imitating Scooby Doo] Right, right, Raptain!

Let's see here. Aerial photos of my house.

Electrical blueprints for my house.

Antidote. I don't know what this is for. But I better keep it.

Yeah.

Still asleep.

Look at this. It's full of years and years of messages

that Mimi never gave you.

Ah, man I can't believe Jenny called me back all these times.

"Call me. Please call me. I'm waiting.

"I'm waiting with a bowl of cherries. I'm naked and horny."

Hey, wait. There's one more.

"Waited for you all night.

"I've got a good mind to sleep with one of your best friends."

Well, here's something.

It's a newspaper story on ten ways to get spots out.

Wait a minute.

This could be the key to everything...

Spot. Spot. X marks the spot.

X marks the spot on buried treasure.

Pirates. Pirates come from the Caribbean.

Caribbean Cayman Islands. Okay, I'm halfway there.

Famous pirates. Black beard. No. Blue beard.

Blue eye shadow. Mimi! She's his beard.

Okay, I've got it. Mr. Wick and Mimi are working together in a

sexual harassment scam to clean the company out of millions.

- Hold it. Turn it over. - What?

No. It's just somethin' about a boss and a secretary

who made millions off a false sexual harassment suite.

But they are from Minnesota. This is totally different.

Hey, it should be Mimi. Everybody down.

(Oswald) 'You're on my ralls! You're on my ralls!'

I'm sorry, buddy.

Hey Joanne. Just like in the cafeteria

everything you serve up is hot.

You know, I could have sworn at one point you called me mommy.

Hey, what's the deal with that, huh?

Sorry. When I'm spanked, it comes out naturally.

Speaking of which, how would you like to accompany

your naughty boy to a tropical island.

Oh, what about your lawsuit?

Trust me. One way or another, I'm going to win.

Carey's candy drawer.

Sweet for my sweet.

[laughing]

That's it.

No one puts his hands into Drew Carey's drawers

and pulls out his goodies.

You know what I mean.

[laughing]

What're you gonna do?

You can't let Wick and Mimi get away with this.

Don't worry. By the end of the night

I'm gonna blow this thing wide open.

Good idea. But first you better stop by the airport.

Why?

Your parents have been there for about a week.

[knock on door]

Hello, Mimi.

Oh, jeez. I get a call to come over. It's 11 o'clock at night.

The house is dark. If I hear somethin' unzip, I'm outta here.

Oh, I got somethin' for you.

I got a great big...

- Surprise! - Surprise!

What? It's not my birth... okay, where are my presents?

Here's your present.

It's a toaster from a bank in the Cayman islands

for openin' an account.

♪ Bum pum paa ♪

Now... here's the phone.

I want you to call, Mrs. Lauder at home. Right now.

And tell her the truth so I can get my job back.

I can't.

Fix it, Mimi. It's over. You're not gonna get your money.

I didn't do it for money. I did it for love.

Love of toast?

No you big, dumb bag of Duh!

I did it for Mr. Wick.

We're gonna split the money and run away to a tropical island.

Just the two of us.

So leave us alone so that we can live happily ever after.

So... you two were gonna go together?

Yes.

Look, uh, I don't know why I don't like tellin' you this

but, uh, Mr. Wick's gonna take Joanne to the tropical island.

You lie.

Come on, Mimi. Would I pass up a chance

to send you to a tropical island?

[sobbing]

Jeez, Drew. All your parties turn out crappy.

[knock on door]

Oh... that must be Mr. Wick. Should I let him in?

Yeah. And lock the door behind him.

Alright.

You got me to come to your house in the middle of the night.

Why is it so dark?

If I hear a belt being unbuckled, I'm outta here.

What do you people think of me?

Surprise.

Mimi... what are you doing here?

Oh!

Same thing you're doin' here. We know everything.

Oh!

Oh, yeah. Forgot to tell you. She knows about Joanne.

And I know what you do with my candy bar. Uh-huh! I saw ya.

Mimi, I...I know why you're upset. But I have good news.

Remember how the memo said that they were celebrating my firing.

Well, it turns out they were celebrating

how much I saved them with, with all my firings.

I'm not getting fired. I'm getting a raise.

And you're getting your old job back.

And Carey's getting his job back

and we'll all be one big happy family again.

Doesn't that bother you?

I know I've made some mistakes here, but Carey...

...time will heal our differences.

And if time doesn't, I'm sure time and a half will.

Hey, I'm gonna get crap and a half. Whoo!

And, Mimi, all I ask is that you forgive me.

Oh, damn. With a face like that, how could I be mad?

Oh, you got a little somethin' right here.

Oh!

I ain't droppin' the harassment suit.

What?

Nobody screws with my heart.

Oh... by the way, I accidentally dented your car on the way out.

Hey, uh, who's ready for cake?

Wow. Slapping. Baseball bats. Cake.

Drew, this is your best party ever.

Hey, uh, Mr. Wick.

You gotta little somethin' on your lip right there.

Oh, that's just a little blood. Oh, my.

Uh... this is for Mimi.

And the candy. But mostly the candy.

Oh, Mimi must've been saving these for years.

Oh, man. I wish you would've got this one.

Michael Jordan called.

Said he tried Buzz Beer and he loves it so much

he wants to endorse it for free.

Hey, Kozar. This one's for you.

NFL called. Said you're gonna be the new owner of the Browns.

Whoo-hoo!

Just kiddin'. They didn't call.

Drew, you shouldn't make fun of the dreams

of ex NFL quarterbacks.

Oh, really? Why?

Oh!