Original subtitles

(Oswald and Lewis) Ho-ho-ho. Ho-ho-ho.

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.

Drew, it's me, Oswald.

- And Lewis. - Heh-heh.

[chuckling]

I know what you're thinking, but I promise you

we got some great stuff for your toy drive this year.

I was able to sneak out DrugCo's new mascot

Little Druggie.

And his pet pony.

I call him my pretty Percodan.

[chuckles]

What, is that from the train-spotting collection?

Who's gonna want those for their little kids?

Alright, everyone, I'm ready to judge this floor's entry

in the Beautify Your Workstation contest.

(Wick) 'So if you want those two tickets to the Bahamas'

pucker up, one butt, no waiting.

Uh, sir, it's not garbage. It's for our Christmas toy drive.

Yes, I'm well aware. It is a toy. Kenny Cappy.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Mr. Wick flipped over what I did to my counter.

- What did you do? - I dressed like this.

And danced on it.

I'm getting the trip, and I made 20 bucks.

(Drew) Nice job with the outfit, Kate.

I'll be thinking about it while I'm down in the Bahamas

'cause you're goin' down, O'Brien.

Goin' down? Yeah, I'm goin' down.

I'm goin' down to buy a bathing suit

'cause I'm goin' down to the Bahamas.

Then we're checking in to our hotel room

where Oswald's goin'...

I don't know, to get me a drink or something?

Alright, Mimi, what grotesque vision of hell

have you brought us this year?

Well, it ain't much, but I hope you like it.

♪ Hallelujah Hallelujah ♪

♪ Send Mimi to the Bahamas she really works hard ♪

♪ She has to look at Drew ♪

♪ He's a big pig he's an eyesore in a swimsuit ♪

♪ He shouldn't get the prize ♪

Wait a second. It's not fair to use cute, little kids.

♪ Bite us snow boy bite us snow boy ♪

♪ Bite us snow boy ♪

♪ You dork ♪

Well, Mimi, that's incredible!

You've actually managed to recreate

the abbey of my childhood.

- Well, I did a little research. - Yes, apparently, not enough.

I was beaten up by every choirboy and nun

in the whole stinking place. You lose.

♪ We wish you hadn't said that we wish you hadn't said that ♪

♪ We wish you hadn't said that we know where you live ♪

(Wick) Alright, Carey, let's see what you've got.

Well, it's not adorable little children

desecrating religious music, sir

but, uh, it's the best I could do.

I can eat everything in my cubicle.

What's new about that?

Carey, do I dare dream it?

Yes, sir. Peppermint pink slips.

They're made out of rice paper. Go ahead and try one.

Mm. Melty. Mm.

Minty. Mm-hmm.

Well, sir, I'm the last cubicle. Time to judge the winner.

Well, I'm very impressed with your efforts, Carey

but on the other hand

'O'Brien's over there all tarted up.'

R-rar.

Oh, what the heck? It's a tie.

One ticket for you. One ticket to you.

Hey, I wanted to take my boyfriend.

And I wanted to take Nicki.

I want to give a damn.

No, no, no. No, I do. I-I really, really do.

But I don't.

Oh-ho, this is beautiful, I might have lost

but you have to go to the most romantic place in the world

with your friend. Heh-heh.

♪ You're a dipwad you're a dipwad ♪

♪ You're a dipwad ♪ ♪ Pig ♪

♪ Aah aah aah aah ♪

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with the crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ She's livin' in sin with a safety pin going ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[echoing] Ohio!

[instrumental music]

Man, it's freezing out. It's too cold to play.

No, it's not. Just one game.

- Can we go in now? - No, no, no, look.

I-I need to talk to you, listen, I'm.. I-I...

I don't think I should go to the Bahamas, I'm worried

about being down there with Kate alone.

Hey, Drew, this sounds important.

So let me tell you something.

I'm not making a point. My finger's frozen.

I can't bend it and I can't stop my hand from shaking.

- Can we go in now? - No, no, Kate's in there.

- Oh.. Ah. - Listen, uh, here.

D-don't tell anybody I told you this, but I think

I'm jealous of her dating Oswald.

Oh, that's gonna come as news to Oswald.

What are you jealous about? You got Nicki.

I know it's crazy, but, you know, I've only

known Nicki a few months.

I've been thinking about Kate almost my whole life.

I know it's crazy.

I used to have this fantasy that, uh

we were trapped on a deserted tropical island together.

Well, you know, not totally deserted.

It had a McDonald's, but...

Come on, Drew, we've all had fantasies

about the people in our group.

I know I have.

Knock it off.

We-we're gonna be sharing a room together.

That's a lot of temptation.

You know what this is?

Temptation's trophy case.

I'm just afraid if I'm down there with her alone

someone's gonna get sad or something's gonna happen.

It'll screw things up with me and Nicki or me and Kate

or Oswald and Kate or me and Oswald.

[blows]

Okay, I just have one question.

Doesn't anyone find me attractive?

Oh, come on, man, we've been over this.

You're just growing into your face.

[laughs]

I guess the only decent thing to do

is to give the ticket to Oswald.

Why don't you give it to me?

Nothing will happen between me and Kate

since I'm so hideous.

[grunts]

[blows]

[thuds]

Hey, Oswald, I thought you were watching

basketball with Kate and Nicki.

I was, they kicked me out

'cause I ask too many questions.

Hey, Lewis, can I be alone with Oswald for a second?

[gasps]

I'm not offended. The warm air just hit my lungs.

Uh, listen, Oswald, I kinda wanted to talk to ya.

I was thinking, I-I'm not the guy

who should be going to the Bahamas with her.

So, here, you go.

Oh, my God, I'm going to the Bahamas!

This is the greatest thing that ever...

Wait a minute. I know what this is.

You don't think I can take Kate any place nice on my own.

Do you? So I'm a charity case, am I?

Well, you can keep your darn ticket.

- Wait, Oswald, I-I'm just-- - On the other hand...

Maybe this is an opportunity I'll never have again.

And I never let my pride stand in the way before.

Bastard!

Look what you've done to my self-esteem

making me take a pity trip.

Well, you can take this ticket, mister

and you can put it where the sun don't shine.

On the other hand, the sun shines real nice in the Bahamas.

Oh, we don't have time for this.

Oh, wait a minute. I can't go anyway.

I have to work tomorrow. Thanks for the offer, man.

Hey, uh, Kate.

I tried to give, uh, my ticket to Oswald

but he's gotta work.

So, uh, I was thinking, why don't you just

give me your ticket and I can take Nicki?

- Uh-- - Oh, no.

Drew, uh, I'd love to go, but I-I got a house to show.

Plus, uh, I feel too fat to get in a bathing suit right now.

Aw, come on, honey. We've been through this already.

You're not fat. You're just at your winter weight.

[chuckles]

Drew, if you think that I'm gonna lose 15 pounds

just so you can go to the Bahamas...

Alright, alright, it's al...

[oven timer beeps]

Now let me go get my biscuits.

You got a problem with that?

Hey, look, if I can be big and sexy, you could be...

Look, Drew, it was really sweet

you trying to give the ticket to Oswald

but you and I are gonna have a great time

doing stuff alone together.

We haven't done that for years.

Look, uh, I gotta warn you, I snore.

Upstairs and down.

I can't think of anyone I'd rather go with.

[Lewis clearing throat]

Oh, I'm sorry. Ugly people have to clear their throat a lot.

[instrumental music]

[aircraft droning]

[sobbing]

- You okay now? - Yeah.

But I surely do miss my Katie bear.

[sniffles]

I kept a little something to remind me of her.

It's the handle to her luggage.

[sniffs] Still smells like her hand cream.

Hey, I was the one carrying it.

Well, it's nice of Drew to finally let us use his house.

Yeah, it's about time he started treating us like adults.

I know.

So what do you wanna do first, dodgeball or king of the couch?

- Dodgeball. You're it. - Hey, wait a second.

Think for a minute.

- Oh, nice try. - Oh!

[laughing] No, there's a lot of fragile stuff in here.

If we play dodgeball, we might break something.

- Oh, okay, let's go outside. - No, we should play inside.

But we should take all the breakables

and put them in one big box.

Good thinking.

Uh, breakable, breakable, breakable.

- Ooh. - Oh...

Wait, wait, wait. This is crazy.

If we play in here, we might just break one or two things

but if we put everything in the box

and something happens to the box, we break everything.

You're just jealous 'cause it was my idea.

- Alright, I admit it. - Alright.

Breakable, breakable. Hey, wait a minute. Here's a question.

- What do we do with the box? - Just put it in the basement.

- No. Stairway's too narrow. - No, stupid.

I'll slide it down the banister, you try to catch it.

- Oh, okay. - Alright.

Oh, oh, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

It's too damp in the basement.

- The closet? - Great! Oh, no.

Then where's our clubhouse?

What are we gonna do with it? It's ruining our lives!

Man, all this pressure.

If Drew didn't think he could handle himself with Kate

why didn't he just stay home?

[glass shattering]

What do you wanna deal with first?

The thing with Drew. What the hell are you talking about?

Look, it's all, it's just all these

silly ideas he has in his head. He...

He's got all these unresolved feelings about Kate

and all these fantasies about being on a deserted island.

I could tell you not to do anything stupid, but I'm ki...

[door shuts]

Looks like all the beautiful people are heading for trouble.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Boy, if I ever get my hands on the baggage guy

who pulled off my handle...

[thuds]

Wow, look at the ocean!

Wow, look at the one bed.

Hey, we've slept in the same bed before.

Yeah, when we were ten.

You wanna quit jumping up and down the bed like that?

You're right. What am I doing cooped up in this room?

- Let's go down to the pool. - Hey, what are you doing?

- Taking my clothes off. - Oh, G.. Don't do that!

Drew, I wore my suit under my clothes.

Oh, phew. I'm sorry I'm a big goof.

Ooh!

Drew, get your trunks on, so we can go down to the pool.

Uh, no, I'm gonna stay here. I'm gonna...

I'm kinda wiped out from the, uh, from the time change.

Drew, there's no time change.

Hey, I had six beers on the airplane. There's a time change.

Come on down.

Look how tense you are from work.

Did I tell you that I'm really glad I came?

I have more fun with you than with anyone else.

Oh, get up, my leg's asleep, my leg's asleep.

- I'll rub it for you. - It's awake. It's awake.

We're in this map, Damien. We're somewhere over Miami.

[exhales sharply] Huh? Oh.

I don't know what to think, Damien.

I've never done anything like this before

but Kate and I were friends, and we fell in love.

It happened once, it could happen again, right?

God, if anything is happening...

I gotta stop thinking about this, or I'm gonna go crazy.

Well, if I could do that, then I could relax.

[instrumental music]

So now aren't you glad we went down to the pool?

We were the most popular people there.

Hey, did you like when I had the cabana boy

drop fish sticks into my mouth?

It was very cute when you slid out of the water on your belly

and let that little kid pet your tongue.

Yeah.

God, I knew it!

The pop bottles I brought from home to replace

the minibar bottles are too big!

[knocking on door] Oh, crap!

It's the honor bar police.

[bottles clinking]

[drawer shuts]

- Ah. - Ah. Room service.

Uh, we didn't order anything.

Oh, caviar and creme fraiche

for the honeymoon couple.

Compliments of the hotel.

Oh, free food for honeymoon couples.

Honey, we should have gotten married a long time ago.

- Yeah. Ah... - Uh, while I'm here...

Can I check your honor bar?

Hey, what the hell does honor bar mean, huh

if you have to check up on a guy?

What happened to honesty? What, uh, what happened to trust?

[chuckles] Well, they're probably in your suitcase with our towels

and the, uh, one, two, three, four ashtrays.

(Kate) You know what, Drew?

I think we should do this every year.

Yeah. I'd like that.

[birds chirping]

Wow, we are so close to the ocean, we can hear the birds.

It's almost like they're right in our room.

[birds squawking]

Oh, my God!

Those birds are all gonna come in here! Close the door.

I'm not going over there with all those birds.

I think they just want the food. Give them the food.

I'm not giving them food.

[both screaming]

- Oh, God! - I don't believe this!

Someone's in here!

We gotta call someone or something.

Yeah, hi, this is Drew Carey in 107.

Yeah, I got a bunch of birds flapping around in my room.

Yeah, well, it may be part of the charm of the Bahamas

but they're freaking us out.

Can you send someone up here to get rid of 'em? Thanks.

Oh, oh, and hurry up, 'cause I

I think they're getting into the honor bar.

[mouthing]

Uh-huh.

Well, if we're gonna be here a while

I might as well make myself comfortable.

This is perfect.

We're in the Bahamas, and we're stuck in the bathroom.

Hey, you wanna hear the ocean?

[toilet flushes]

- Drew. - Hm.

I don't know about Oswald and me.

76, 78.

I don't know what I'm gonna do when I see him.

I might have to kill him or kill myself.

Is that romantic or pathetic?

Hey, okay. Goodnight.

Hey, 79.

If you were on a jury and I killed somebody

what would you do? Where are you going? Hey!

I thought you were crazy about Oswald. I mean...

When did you start feeling this way?

I thought you guys were getting along great.

You know, I'm-I'm shocked.

We are, but getting along great is one thing.

How do I know if he's the right person?

Uh, Kate, let me tell you something I've learned

about relationships.

Okay, anymore questions?

[laughs]

You don't give yourself enough credit. You're great with women.

I just don't know about Oswald and me.

I'm at the age where if I'm in a relationship

and it's not heading towards marriage, I've gotta let it go.

I guess what I'm saying is

is Oswald the guy or was he just there?

Well, you know, there's a lot of guys who were there.

I know. Maybe that's what's bothering me.

Maybe I need someone who I can talk to like I'm talking to you.

But you, you picked Oswald.

Yeah.

Okay...

I-I wanna tell you something I should have told you

a long time ago.

[exhales sharply]

Ever since we were seven years old...

[sighs]

...Oswald knew you were the one.

- He did? - Yeah.

He always thought, said

that you were the prettiest and the sweetest

and the easiest to get along with.

And he even had this crazy dream that one day you would, uh

live on a deserted island with him that had a McDonald's.

Wow!

How could you not love a guy like that?

Thanks, Drew.

[knocking on door]

(male #1) 'My eyes! My-my eyes!'

Oh, my God.

My eyes! My eyes!

[gasping]

[laughing]

Just a little island humor. Ha-ha...

Look, um, just about got all the birds out

and I'll be done in a second.

[door shuts]

Hey, Drew, you said that Oswald felt this way since he was seven

but I've only known him since he was ten.

I've known you since I was seven.

[gasps] Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right, he was ten

but his, his mom told me he was seven to make him seem smarter.

Oh.

Excuse me. Is this the, uh, Carey-O'Brien room?

Uh, yeah, but you don't wanna go in there.

- Why not? - Uh, they went wild!

Look what them animals did to my pillow cases.

Oh, my God, they tore up the pillows?

Yeah, them some bold, little devils, too.

I walked in there and they just strutting around--

Oh...

And crappin' all over the floor.

We're not talking about people anymore, are we?

Oh, no, we're talking about the birds

that got in here and made this mess.

Uh-huh. Oh.

Oswald?

What the, the heck are you doing here?

You got all the questions, don't you, Mr. Carey?

How about some answers? I talked to Lewis.

What's going on between you and Kate?

Wait, wait a second, you came all the way down to the Bahamas.

You thought something was going on between me and Kate?

Alright, I got three questions for you

and I want you to answer them honestly.

Yeah, sure.

- Did you have sex? - No.

- Really? Really? - Yes. Yes!

Okay, that's three. Thanks, man.

[mumbling]

Okay, listen, take this key, you're gonna go in there

and you're gonna have a romantic evening with Kate.

We'll tell her it was a surprise we've been planning all along.

- You mean it? - Yeah.

Oh, my God, that's the nicest...

Wait a minute, I know what you're trying to do.

You ran up a huge room-service tab

and you wanna stick it to me.

Well, of all the lousy...

On the other hand, I did come down here for free.

It's 80 degrees and you're going back to Cleveland

where it's ten-below.

Wait a minute, I just read an article that said

that people in colder climates live longer.

So now you're trying to kill me!

Killing me with kindness. Thanks, bud.

Hey, uh, listen, I'm gonna have a little time on my hands.

I heard there was a nude beach around here. Is that true?

Oh, will you be watchin' or joinin' in?

I was thinking of joinin' in, you know?

No, man.

[instrumental music]

(man on TV) 'We now conclude our broadcast day.'

'Please enjoy the Winfred Louder Boys chorus'

'conducted by Miss Mimi Bobeck.'

♪ Drew Carey is a geek ♪

♪ He sleeps alone at night ♪

♪ Because he can't stop eating ♪

♪ Everything in sight ♪

♪ He has a nowhere job ♪

♪ He'll never get ahead ♪

♪ And we've seen better hygiene on a horse named Mr. Ed ♪

♪ Oh bite me pig bite me pig ♪

♪ Bite me all the way ♪

♪ You're a big fat doughboy and that's all I have to say ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[instrumental music]