Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Drew.

I'm a genius.

Are you ready to see the best promotion

for Buzz Beer ever?

Ta-da!

- Wow! You are a genius. - Uh-huh.

So, listen, did it come to you in a dream?

Or when you saw those guys with the big Budweiser bottles

up in the trash behind the liquor store?

Drew, I'm a genius. Uh...

(Lewis) 'Hey.'

- You a genius too? - Sure.

Hey, I, uh, finished making

more space in your basement, and good news.

Look what I found.

Hey, it's that great apron that we gave you.

Hey, wait a minute.

I thought you said that a trained falcon

flew away with it at a barbecue.

Oh, yeah, must have brought it back after

all the other falcons laughed at it.

(Oswald) Oh.

Hey, guys, when you're done

with my dad's old "Playboys," put them back, will you?

Oh.

Hey, "Inside Liberace's swinging bachelor pad."

This must be from the who-knew issue.

[Oswald chuckles]

[doorbell rings]

Coming.

Hello, Drew.

Oh...

Reverend Lindemann.

Did I get you at a bad time?

No, I was just about to kill a guy

and then go covet my neighbor's wife.

- Ha ha. Come on in. - Thank you.

- Hi, Reverend Lindemann. - Hi, Reverend Lindemann.

Uh, uh, Drew. Um...

[chuckles]

I'm sorry to bother you, but, uh

I'm looking for volunteers to work at the county nursing home

and if you could help out at Riverview

it would be greatly appreciated.

Whoa, wait a second. The Riverview?

That's the roughest nursing home on the westside.

That's where that guy got kicked to death for his apple sauce.

Didn't your grandpa used to live there, Drew?

Till he tunneled out, yeah.

That's why it's hard to get volunteers, Drew.

But these people are God's creatures

and they deserve help like anybody else.

Don't you mean God's children?

You heard me.

Well, I do have so many blessings.

I guess I can help, yeah.

Not an argument I was ready to make

but, uh... good for you.

Yeah.

- I'll see you Saturday. - Huh.

Uh, oh, by the way, Drew

if you're lonely, you can come

to the Christian's Single's Night at the Church.

Uh, Lewis is always there chatting up the young ladies.

Christian's Single's Night, huh?

Oh, I suppose you prefer

some loose drunken woman in a smoke-filled bar?

Well, so would I, but that didn't work.

So, welcome to Plan B.

♪ Aah aah aah aah aah aah aah aah ♪

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks ♪

♪ With their crimson lips ♪

♪ Go Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin ♪

♪ With a safety pin ♪

♪ Go Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[echoing] Ohio!

[instrumental music]

Hey, Mimi. Why no shield on your helmet?

Bugs too afraid to hit your face?

Very funny.

How'd you spend your weekend?

Looking to get lucky at LensCrafters?

I wish.

I got sucked into helping out

over at the Riverview Nursing Home.

Hell's waiting room?

- Are they payin' you? - No.

Doing it 'cause my pastor asked me to help out.

You know, it won't hurt you to do a little volunteering

every once in a while.

What are you talking about?

I'm in Big Sisters, Trolls for Tots.

And every day I don't put a harpoon

in the back of your head, I'm saving a whale.

[laughing]

Attention, everyone!

It's time for a fire drill!

Johnson, you're fired.

[laughing]

Well, then, I guess it's not really a drill, is it?

Carey, Johnson was going to do inventory this weekend.

- Now, it's up to you. - Inventory on the weekend?

Thank you, sir! Whoo!

Happy over inventory?

Carey, your life is worse than I'd hoped.

Well, I'm just happy I won't have to volunteer

at that stinking nursing home again.

If I wanna get yelled at and treated like I'm nothing, I'll

I'll come straight to you, sir.

Thank you, Carey.

Volunteer at a nursing home, eh?

That's just the kind of original and unique idea

I could take credit for.

- Good morning, people. - Mrs. Louder.

Have you ever thought about nursing homes?

What? You're fired.

No. No. Not you.

I-I think of you as my baby sister.

No, I mean, what would you think of our employees

volunteering at local nursing homes?

- At the weekends, of course. - I love it. Let's run with it.

Carey, as head of human resources, I'm putting you

in charge of organizing this spontaneous

outpouring of kindness.

[chuckles] Back to the boneyard.

Excuse me? I think we found Carey's number two.

We certainly have.

Back to work, everybody.

Speaking of sex...

...have you hired a new Larry for me yet?

I told you, Mrs. Louder, I'm not hiring boyfriends for you.

I got your memo, but I refuse to ask the applicants

to send in pictures of them shirtless on a pony.

Fine!

Then, facedown on a seesaw.

Well, that was an awkward situation.

Here's another.

The volunteer program is mandatory.

So, you're, uh, forcing people to volunteer?

Gee, that's kind of ironic.

Oh, look, everybody!

Carey's detected an irony.

He's smart. Smarter than me.

And yet, I still make more money.

Oh, look. Now, I have detected an irony.

[instrumental music]

Now, it's time for our lesson in senior self-defense.

Repeat after me. I have a gun!

(all) "I have a gun!"

I'm old and life in prison means nothing to me!

(all) "I'm old and life in prison means nothing to me!"

Lesson over. Any questions?

You know, this afternoon with you people has been

one of the nicest experiences of my life.

I just wanna say that I'm so...

[alarm rings]

Oh, did my hour.

Okay, see you on the other side!

Alright. It's time for some serious poker.

Where's my poker buddy? Tom?

- Oh. - Tom?

Honey.

Sweetie.

Tom passed away this morning. I'm sorry.

Oh, man. First Ed, now Tom?

You've been here two weeks, that's the second

senior buddy you've lost.

I guess they weren't just whiny hypochondriacs.

I won. I beat him.

I beat him fair and square.

What'd you win?

[Drew panting]

It's not fair. You didn't give me enough of a head start.

Eh, come on. Quit your crying.

[clears throat] Let's see the money here. Let's go, huh?

Hey, you want a... a little advice.

Don't pass out in this place.

A lot of people are looking for kidneys.

Alright. Game time, huh?

Who wants to play Bingo? Bingo?

Who wants to give Lewis' wallet back?

There's nothing in here anyway

except a condom older than I am.

You know, the problem with you people besides being evil...

...is that you have too much time on your hands.

Now, come on. Who wants to play a little dodge ball, huh?

What do you think? 70s against the 80s.

- Dodge ball! Well, dodge ball. - Yeah, I'm in.

You're out.

Alright. That was fun.

Maybe watch a little TV, huh?

Yup. We only get one channel, PBS.

Oh, that's okay. Look, there's a nice nature special on.

"Elephant Graveyard. Knowing where they go off and die."

Oh.

I hate those nature specials anyway.

"Watch now as a monkey picks lice off his mate."

God, I miss my wife.

[sniffles]

Well, maybe we can figure something out, I mean...

Oh! Hey! Look, it's 4 o'clock...

I mean, uh, I'm sorry, it's 4 o'clock.

I've to go do inventory. See you next Saturday. Bye.

- Helen? - Oh.

Say, uh, how about taking us down to the store with you?

No way.

I'm sorry, I mean, no way!

Look, we're-we're-we're just looking to get out of here.

I mean, uh, TV's busted.

Radio is a piece of crap.

You know how many people have died on that couch?

What do you say, people?

How many wanna get out of here? Let's hear it, huh?

- What do you say? - I have work to do.

- I have work to do. - We'll help ya.

I can't have you work at the store for free.

I'll get in big trouble and I can't pay you.

We're not looking to get you in trouble.

I mean, we won't say anything if you won't.

You know something else? I knew your grandpa.

Yeah. He gave me these pants.

His last words were...

"...I want you to have a good time in my pants."

If you stop talking, I'll take ya.

Okay. Everybody, let's go.

Field trip. Here we go.

What the hell are we gonna do at a department store?

Founder's day sale.

We found ourselves a sucker. Come on.

Alright, I can take three people in my car.

Who's got a pacemaker?

Good. I need a jump. Come on, Sparky.

Hey, hey, hey. Slow down there.

[instrumental music]

Man, you guys are doing great.

I would've been here all night without you.

Oh, Helen, don't touch anything on Mimi's desk.

Sometimes she booby traps them.

Oh, come on, Drew.

[coin clanking]

(Helen) 'Oh!'

See, it's obviously a trap.

Roast beef.

Maybe if I grab it really quick...

Uh, Helen, can you, uh

pull on that Employee of the Month plaque over there?

[Drew shouts] No, not that one!

- Oh? - I'll get you, my pretty.

And the pickle too.

Hey, uh, Helen, come here a minute.

You wanna help stack these empty boxes here?

There you go. Right in that area, okay?

That's good, yeah. Boy, uh

you look like you need a little help.

(Drew) 'Oh, here, let me help you.'

[camera clicks]

Just, uh, takin' a few shots

for the old activity board, you know?

That's good.

Say, uh, Helen

uh, you've been working pretty hard.

You look like you could use a little water.

Excuse me.

- Oh! - Ah. Doggone.

Here, let me get that.

Drew, I've already started the bend.

Don't stop me now.

Uh, careful, there's a broken glass over there.

[grunts] That's good.

Hey, I got an idea. How about a nice cheesecake picture of me?

Oh, great. That'd be wonderful.

[camera clicks]

(man on TV) 'There has been continuing investigation'

of the county's nursing homes.

The Channel Five news team has uncovered a story of

charity gone astray.

Hey, hey, hey, Drew, look, look, you're on TV.

Oh, somebody from the Riverview must have called the TV station.

I bet it's one those humanitarian stories.

Hey, Tim, crank it up!

[applause]

...resources director, Drew Carey

on this week's "Shame Of The City."

What?

We had a chance to talk to 69-year-old Gus Schnabel

a resident of the Riverview County Nursing Home.

Well, uh, we were just getting ready to go to bed.

It was, uh, it was about 4:30

when Drew... Mr. Drew...

That's what he wants us to call him

at least when he's drinking.

He dragged us out and made us work all night for nothing.

What? That's not what happened.

(Gus on TV) 'He said we couldn't go home until the floor was'

'clean enough to eat off.'

'And he ate off it.'

That's not what happened. She wouldn't let me help her.

He bought doughnuts for everybody and he ate

half of 'em himself.

That's not what happened either, right, Drew?

Right?

Oh!

If you wanna help the good folks at Riverview

donations can be sent directly to the home

in care of Gus Schnabel at this address.

Oh, see, that's why he did it.

He bad-mouthed me to get free stuff.

You guys believe me, don't you?

Sure we believe you, but you did have

that yelling match with that old lady last year.

I stood behind her at the ATM for an hour and a half.

I think she was trying to get on the Internet.

Come on, someone has to believe me.

Look, why do you think I would lie to you?

I've been coming to this bar since I was 15.

Eighteen.

I would not lie to anybody in this bar

unless I was sexually attracted to 'em.

Goodnight.

[instrumental music]

(Drew) 'Morning, Frank. You think I lost weight?'

- I didn't, but thanks anyway. - Boo.

My hair? No, I cut it myself.

Check out the back. Look good?

Well, if it isn't the shame of the city.

Saw the news, huh?

No.

Drew, have you seen all these senior citizens

picketing outside? It's a mob scene.

Why haven't you talked to Gus yet?

I tried, but he won't return my calls.

Then I called Ted Henry at "Five On Your Side"

and started swearing. He got a little mad.

By the way, I'm gonna be on again tonight.

Oh, Drew.

Hell, I don't even know how I'm gonna get past

all those people to get home.

Don't worry. I got it covered.

I got you a senior citizen's disguise.

Oh, cool, where's the rest of it?

Well, you're pretty much wearing it. Good luck!

- Mr. Carey, you're fired. - What?

At least that's what the press release will say. Read it.

Oh, man, it's bad enough livin' it

but seein' the word "loner" next to your name...

You're not really fired.

This is just a way to take

the public pressure off the store.

Oh, so you believe me?

Oh, I've known you for ten years.

You couldn't hurt an older person.

Oh, thank you.

No, I mean, physically

you couldn't hurt an older person.

I can take you out right now.

Ow, hey, pretty fast there. Okay, stop it!

I'm just saying I could beat the crap out of you.

So, how's this work?

Everybody's gonna know I'm not fired

if I keep comin' in here.

Oh, you'll work out of our Akron office.

And in about a month, we'll hold another press conference

and you'll apologize for your actions

blaming it all on booze and an abusive mother.

I can't do that. My mom didn't abuse me.

- She never touched me. - Even better.

She neglected you.

You were too ugly to hold.

Wait, I'm not doing this. I didn't do anything wrong.

I'm not gonna confess and tell everybody I'm a senior basher.

You know, if I have to I can take this all the way

to the Supreme Court.

To nine old people? Good idea.

Listen, Carey, you're a valuable employee

and I'll back you to a point.

But you cost me a boyfriend and now this.

So if you won't do it my way, you better get those seniors

to admit they lied before tomorrow

or you re-e-eally are fired.

Well, that's it.

I'm going down to that senior citizen center

to get my good name back.

And I'm gonna go get the senior discount at lunch.

[instrumental music]

Gus! Gus, you're gonna talk to me.

[gasps]

Uh, I thought it was your grandpa

coming back to get his pants.

I can't believe you sold me off for some stupid toys.

Now, if I don't wanna get fired, I've to bad-mouth my mother.

And this morning, old people threw eggs at my house.

How do you know they were old people?

They were driving so slow, I had time to walk alongside 'em

and talk to 'em for a while.

He was a pharmacist, had a place in Toledo.

But that's beside the point!

I trusted you and you screwed me.

But... what are you talking about?

You did help us...

You know, when people see bad things happen to people

on television, they send them stuff.

This is just like that movie "Cocoon"

which incidentally, thanks to you, we now have on laser disk.

We got your big screen TV here. Where do you want it?

Oh, over in the corner. That's gonna be our media wing.

What're you guys doing here?

Hey, don't worry, buddy.

We'll get your good name back.

We came up with a plan that

should solve all your problems.

Something we saw in a cartoon once.

And it wasn't animals doing it, it was people.

That's right.

Okay, I'm gonna try to talk some sense into Gus here.

Plus, I have a couple other things up my sleeve.

Now, if for any reason my plans don't work

don't do your plan. Got me?

- Got it. - Got it.

- Hey, Gus. - Hmm.

Listen, man, you knew my grandfather.

How about, how about coming clean for his sake?

Alright, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you his pants back, we'll call it even, okay?

No!

(Lewis on TV) 'And now we return to "Cinema For Seniors."'

Oh!

Johnny, I've been shot.

I know it's coming.

But before I go, I gotta clear my conscience.

I lied about a guy, just so I could get some fancy

stereo equipment, video cameras and a VCR.

It's World War II.

Oh, my God, I'm seeing into the future.

Ah.

Now, I know I'm gonna go.

Please tell the world I'm, I'm sorry I lied.

[crying]

Oh, my God.

Let's see what happens when we change channels, huh?

Click.

- Hogan. - I know nothing. Nothing.

And this concludes our broadcast day.

♪ Uh huh uh huh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Alright, I give up.

So, you guys ruined my life, but I'll tell you

I'm not gonna stop helping people.

I'll tell you something else

I'm getting something out of this.

Something you can't take away from me.

This VCR. Nobody needs five of 'em.

Hold it, Carey. You're not goin' anywhere.

Mrs. Louder, what are you doing here?

Have you had any luck with these people?

I tried, Mrs. Louder

but they're all self-centered and greedy.

Step aside, Carey.

Now, listen up, people!

I know how hard it is being a senior citizen

on a fixed budget.

My maid is going through the very same thing.

But, on the other hand, you started to boycott

some of my stores and no one screws with a Louder.

So, here's the deal.

Sign this affidavit saying that Carey

never mistreated any of you.

Or I buy this place and turn it into

a Starbucks and a Baby Gap.

But they'll take all our stuff back.

Oh, shut your Jell-O whole.

The store will replace everything.

- Happy, Carey? - Great job, Mrs. Louder.

You put the yee-yo in CEO!

I like a tough woman.

Oh, I like a man who speaks his mind.

Only 30 years younger. Shove off.

I'm outta here.

Hey, baby. You almost done here?

Your sweet thing is getting cold in the car.

In a minute, Larry.

Oh, by the way, Drew, thank you.

No problem.

Alright, we had a deal.

I'm dating Louder again, Louder helped you, now it's your turn

to pull a few strings. When do I get back to work?

- 'Whoo-hoo.' - I'd say in about 15 minutes.

[instrumental music]

Let's watch a game show.

Okay.

[imitating a buzzer] A tomato?

I'm sorry, the correct answer is a "tomahto."

[sighs]

Let's watch Jerry Springer.

- You shut up. - Oh, you shut up.

Oh, you shut up--

[clamoring]

- You know what's always fun? - What?

- Professional wrestling. - Yeah.

You come into my house and talk to me like that?

[both grunting]