Original subtitles

Carey.

I never had a chance to thank you properly for liberating me

from Mimi's apartment.

Oh, you're welcome, sir.

I just wish I could have got there before she bathed you.

Ah.

The baths weren't so bad.

It was the shaving that bothered me.

'Anyway, that's all in the past.'

I have to live my life one day at a time now.

The way God gave it to us.

At least that's what the puppet told me at the Crisis Center.

Well, kudos to the puppet, sir.

He also told me I should express my feelings more openly.

Beginning by giving you a big hug.

I suppose you should stand up.

And, uh, we'll advance on each other

at a slow and steady pace.

Until we make contact

at which point we'll close arms.

- Alright. - Alright.

Mmm, you're softer than the puppet.

So, can I call you tomorrow?

Oh, I'm sorry. I just had a lot of dates end this way.

Don't be embarrassed, Drew.

We've turned a corner now in our relationship.

I feel comfortable calling you "friend."

Well, now that you feel that way

there's a few things I wouldn't mind getting off my chest.

I'm here for you, pal.

Well... first of all, you're a strong boss.

I mean, you're a good boss

but, you know, you can just

you can just be a little mean sometimes.

Alright, that's fair.

And when you're mean to me like that...

...you know, it just makes me feel bad.

So you're saying I hurt your feelings?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Drew. Tell me more.

Well, you know, it's just hard being stuck in this job.

I mean, I had such high expectations from myself.

When I was a kid I imagined myself being a

you know, captain of a big ship or something.

There's one more thing. I never told anybody this.

I can't even look at you when I say it.

That's alright.

[sighs]

Sometimes, I cry at night.

And... you're an insensitive bastard

'cause you'd only have people behind me.

You haven't changed one bit.

["Cleveland Rocks"]

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with the crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin goin' ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

Ohio!

Hey, Drew. Ever wonder what your life would be like

if you're a woman?

Every day, my friend. Every day.

Na, I'm serious.

I had a dream last night where I was a woman...

Okay, go ahead and laugh.

I'm not gonna laugh, that took a lot of guts.

So were you pretty?

Uh, I was alright, but you were a knockout.

- I was a woman too? - Oh...

Long legs, blond hair

and those come-hither eyes.

So, uh, you think I would've had a chance with me?

None.

- Hey, guys. - Why so late?

Uh, we were havin' sex.

It just took a little longer than we expected.

We don't need to hear that. What's next?

Jumpin' up on the pool table and doin' it?

Come on, I eat pizza off this thing.

Drew, we're kidding.

Hey, Drew, good news.

What was the most fun you had in high school?

Oh, the time the lunch lady threw out that Chi-cake

at Mr. Trash and landed face up.

No, read this.

Oh, battles of the bands at the Warsaw.

Yeah, that sounds like fun. We should go.

Keep reading.

Free chicken wings?

Keep goin'.

First prize, 500 bucks.

Wow. You could buy a lot of chicken wings with 500 bucks.

I just had a great idea.

We should get the old band back together.

Yeah. Lot of people said you couldn't play Zeppelin

with a brass band. We showed 'em.

We could win 500 bucks.

Yeah, so let's start practicin'.

Yeah, that sounds great.

But first let's find out why Kate said "we."

I-I was thinking maybe I could be in the band too.

Remember when you tried out for choir

they made you get your hearing checked.

[laughs]

Okay, okay, so I was a little rough in high school.

But then I joined the church choir

and they said my voice was so strong

I didn't even need a microphone.

So, you were the only one in the choir without a microphone?

Yeah.

Alright.

Okay. I understand.

Oh, Oswald honey, can I talk to you for a minute

in the kitchen?

Oh, sure, Katie bear.

Whipped man walkin'.

Don't you worry about me. I got it all under control.

Hey, just 'cause you say "jump"

doesn't mean I say "How high?"

Gee, who do you think he'll side with?

Us, or the person he just had sex with?

Hey, hey, you guys...

Uh, I-I was just thinkin'...

...all on my own and everything that, uh...

...that Kate's-Kate's voice has... gotten a lot better.

Look, Oswald, it's not that we don't want--

Please! Please! Please don't make me go back in there

with a "no." Have some compassion, man.

Enough?

Those don't look like real tears to me.

Help me.

Oh, okay, man. She gets to be in the band.

Really? Thank you.

Katie bear!

Yes?

It's alright, you're in the band. No problem.

I'm in the band?

- I'm in the band? - Yeah.

You really want me in the band?

I'm in the band! Whoo-hoo!

[chuckles]

[music playing]

- Hey. Look what I found. - Huh, what's that?

I thought we'd give a listen to what we used to sound like

when we were in high school.

Cool.

[band music]

(Lewis) 'Horndogs live. Take one. Check. Check. Check. Check.'

- 'Check. Checkmate.' - 'In the mike, Lewis.'

'Czechoslovakia.'

'Chaka con. Check.. Ow!'

(Drew) 'Give me the mike. Oswald, you almost ready?'

(Oswald) 'Just one second, I have to clean my trombone first.'

[laughing]

(Oswald) 'Listen to my voice.'

'I'd like a case of beer and a woman please.'

[fast-forwards]

[band music]

(male #1) 'Shut up! Your mother and I'

'are trying to watch Barnaby Jones up here.'

(Drew) 'Oh, yeah? Make me.'

(male #1) 'I don't bust my ass whole day'

'to listen to you and your loser friends'

'beatin' on pans down there.'

(Drew) 'I am so out of this house when I turn 18.'

'And we're not losers.'

'Lewis is gonna be a doctor.'

'Oswald's gonna be a lawyer.'

'And I'm gonna travel the world.'

'I'm gonna lose weight'

'and when I'm rich..'

No more tapes.

Okay, I'm here. Where's my microphone?

Promised that we wouldn't tell.

Hey, I've been practicing.

I know the lyrics and I can also

sing harmony or melody.

My best key is, uh, C Major.

But I'm also good in D Minor F.

- Wow. Let's try "we." - Yeah.

We'll do the intro and then you come in on the break.

(Kate) 'Got it.'

[trumpet music]

♪ Honey ♪

[drum music]

♪ Yours was ♪

♪ The kiss ♪

♪ That awoke my heart ♪

♪ There lingers still ♪

♪ Though we're far apart ♪

♪ The taste of honey ♪

♪ Tasting much sweeter than wine ♪

♪ I'll return ♪

What's the matter, guys? Can't keep up?

You want me to start from the top?

- No. - No!

No, it's-it's our instruments.

They're, uh, badly out of tune.

Badly out of tune.

Horribly, hideously out of tune.

But they mean well.

So tune 'em up.

Uh, well, we can't.

Um, because we're all out of... tuning wax.

- Uh, so we have to go to a-- - Tunesmith.

So, we'll, uh, practice later?

- Later'd be good. - Yeah, much better.

And remember, with me...

...you not only get singin', you get dancin' too.

- Oh. - Oh-ho!

- Wow. That's somethin'. - Mm-hmm.

[indistinct]

Wow. Is it me or is that the worse sound

you ever heard in your life?

Ever start you car with a cat sleepin' on the manifold?

- No. - Well, then, yeah.

That's the worst sound you've ever heard.

[laughing]

Alright, "C Magazine" wants to thank all you kids

for coming by to sign up for our battle of the bands.

[all cheering]

We love to see the parents come and support them. Thank you.

We're not parents. We're the Horndogs.

Well, thank you, Corndogs.

Horndogs.

Oh, yeah, that helps it.

Look, the battle starts at 8.

Everybody shares amps and drums.

You come late, you gonna lose your spot.

Any questions?

The old guy.

Are you ready to rock?

Oh, yeah, no drinking.

Well, good luck to the rest of you.

Hey, look. It's high school reunion.

There's "Gained the most weight"

"Got the worst job"

and "Still doesn't get it."

What's that supposed to mean?

Hey, Drew.

- Get off me, Herbert. - It's Herb now, blowhole.

So, Herb, you still stuck workin'

down at the bottling plant?

Yeah, we're stuck makin' $20 an hour.

Woah! Can you put in a good word for me?

Depends on where you want me to put it.

Besides that's just our day job.

We still have a regular gig down at the Holiday Inn.

You guys are still playing together?

The Underprivileged are celebrating 20 years as a band.

- Yeah! - Alright.

Twenty years hanging out with the same guys.

Losers.

Hey, Lewis, I saw your ex-girlfriend last night.

- In my bed. - Yes, you do.

You've been married to her for 15 years.

It still kills you than she dumped you for me, doesn't it?

She didn't dump me for you.

She dumped me 'cause she thought I was creepy and sad.

- Yeah! - Yeah.

Just like we're gonna dump you like in the battle of the bands.

Ha-ha! We made a fool out of you in high school

and we'll do it again.

This isn't high school, Herbert.

There are laws.

You just can't drag a guy out of a gym

and pull him naked through the hall

and throw him in the cafeteria...

...during SATs.

[laughing]

- I forgot about that. - Yeah, me too.

Alright, here's something that's been gnawing at me

for the last 20 years. Why didn't you help me?

Well, those tests are timed, Drew.

Those days are over, man.

Oh, by the way, Drew, you wanna see something

that'll burn your butt, huh?

Eh!

Oh, hope you like to smoke while you drink.

[laughs]

Don't worry. When we beat them tomorrow night

we're gonna shove our butts into their mugs.

See how they like the taste of that.

- Uh... Drew, that sounds-- - I know.

I regretted it the minute I said it.

Come on, come on. What's our plan to beat these jerks?

Well, first of all, we're gonna practice day and night.

We only have to be better than them for one song.

Yeah, and nothing is gonna keep us

from making that song perfect.

Yeah.

Drew honey, can I talk to you for a minute?

Look, I love her, but we're dead with froggy in the band.

I know, but how can we tell her without her hating us?

Uh, Oswald honey, can we talk to you for a minute?

Yeah?

- You wanna beat those jerks? - Yeah.

You wanna pay them back making us look at Drew

naked in high school?

Yeah.

You wanna tell Kate she's out of the band?

Yeah. But I'm not gonna.

Guess there's only one thing to do. We gotta be honest with her.

Hey, uh, Kate...

We were talkin' and uh...

You know, you're my friend and I love you and everything

but... you're the worst singer in the history of the world.

Man, you suck.

Alright, but I'm better than I was in high school.

Well, I couldn't have gotten worse.

Oh, my God.

Alright, if she's out, I'm out.

- Kate, wait up. - No, wait, you don't have--

Oh, man. I should've known it'd come to this.

I guess we just gotta go get her and tell her she's back in the...

[Kate singing] 'Sweeter than wine.'

["Now, Right Now"]

[cheering and applause]

Let's hear it for The Underprivileged.

Yeah! Whoo!

I don't think the crowd likes 'em.

I can't hear you over the applause.

I said, I think we're screwed.

Don't panic, Drew, we still got a shot.

We're getting a keyboard player coming, wherever the hell he is.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Got hung up in surgery.

You know, no matter how many times you reach in and massage

the life back into a human heart it's always special.

Yeah, well, I was up my elbow in a vending machine

I still got here on time.

Hey, listen, I wanted to, uh, thank you guys

for letting me in the band.

Hey, remember back in high school

when you said I wasn't cool enough?

We thought you weren't cool enough?

Holy crap! What kind of geek were you?

Alright. Here they are.

The Horndogs.

You suck!

We haven't played a single note.

It's not the music, I'm judging you as a human being.

Alright, everybody, hey.

Thanks for coming out.

Uh, we wanna do a song first made famous by

Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass, 1963.

[clears throat]

One, two... One, two, three, four.

[keyboard music]

♪ Honey ♪

♪ Honey ♪

♪ Honey ♪

["A Taste Of Honey" instrumental]

Ladies and gentlemen, The Unreliables!

[applause]

The Unreliables!

Oswald, I wanna ask you something.

Sure.

And I want you to be completely honest.

[sighs]

Did you quit the band 'cause we're in a relationship?

Or 'cause you think I'm a good singer?

Hey, you wanna go shoppin'?

You don't think I'm a good singer?

Well, you know, what I really think... is that--

Are you getting ready to jump out of the car?

Maybe.

Oh, my God. I really do suck.

And you're just too nice to tell me.

Well, you're nice too.

I noticed that you slowed down

when you thought I was gonna jump out.

- 'I'm sorry.' - No, this is good.

I think from now on we should talk more

and not be afraid to be completely honest

with each other.

[laughs]

That's a bad idea.

You don't want me to be completely honest?

No.

You wanna be completely oblivious to how I feel?

Hey, no news is good news.

Here we go. The finalists, in no particular order are...

The Underprivileged.

[cheering]

Satan's Penis.

[cheering]

And... oh. What is this ,a joke?

The Horndogs.

[cheering]

What's the matter, boys? Gettin' a little nervous?

Not so cocky with us and Satan's Penis right behind you.

Oh, man.

If they win, those 20 years playing at the Holiday Inn

will seem like a waste of my life.

Don't you worry your pretty head about it.

Mama's got it covered.

Drew.

[man groans]

Sleep tight, pig.

Great, it's the new guy.

- What happened to you? - I don't know.

Last thing I remember was is the overpowering smell of hatred.

Mimi.

Alright, first up, the Horndogs.

- Let's go. - No, guys, I can't play.

I gotta go to the emergency room.

Are you sure?

I'm a doctor. Yeah, I'm sure.

Hey, last call, Horndogs.

Oh, man. What're we gonna play with just a trumpet and drum?

Taps.

That's it. Maybe we'll just forfeit.

Hey, uh, Mr. Emcee, I got some bad news

about the Horndogs.

What do you got? Two songs?

[trombone music]

Oswald!

I knew you'd come back, man. That's great.

This is... Oh, yeah. Lewis. hit it.

[instrumental music]

But, Drew, I suck.

[all chanting] First place! First place! First place!

We stole the First Place trophy

out of Herbie's band.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Reverend Horton Heat!

["Now, Right Now" by The Reverend Horton Heat]