Original subtitles

(man on radio) 'It'll be a cold one tonight in Cleveland.'

'The low is expected to be four degrees.'

Man, that's the last time I go inside for snacks.

I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm hot, I'm cold.

My little buddies don't know whether they're comin' or goin'.

Hey, guys, look.

I'm freezing my butt off.

Now it's rump roast.

I'm freezing my butt off.

Now it's rump roa...

- Uh-oh. - Oh.

Was that the heat lamps or the sun?

Ow! This hurts, my sweat is freezing!

(Drew) Quick, everybody inside.

Ow, ow, ow!

Well, there goes another summer where Lewis didn't get any.

Hey, uh, now that we've seen summer in the backyard

who wants to see fall in the basement?

- Oh, I gotta see this. - Oswald, stop!

He's just gonna push you down the stairs.

Again?

[knock on door]

Pizza delivery for Drew Carey.

I didn't order a pizza.

Wow, his thoughts about food have become so strong

he's ordering it telepathically.

Hey, just take a look at the pizza, you might want it anyway.

- Say it, c'mon, say it! - No!

- Say it! - Alright, alright.

- You weren't born a girl. - And?

And that's not why mom and dad named you Drew.

- Big brother! How you-- - Aah!

- Say it. - No!

- Say it. - Okay!

- I'm a girl. - And?

That's why mom and dad named me Drew.

- And? - Good to see ya. How you doin'?

[laughing]

Oh, what's it been, almost two years?

Yeah. Some brother, doesn't even call me to tell me he's comin'.

- So, where's the pizza? - Ah, very funny.

No, no. Where's the pizza?

You haven't changed a bit.

I mean it.

Where's the pizza?

Just tell him you ate it.

We once spent three hours trying to explain

an empty bucket of chicken.

- Kate. Oh, you look beautiful. - Thank you.

Oswald, great to see ya.

Lewis.

Steve.

Well, come on, Lewis.

That prank was almost 20 years ago.

So, you peed blue a couple of days.

Hey, I thought I was dying.

Parents took me to the hospital.

They poured barium in every orifice of my body.

Oh, sure they tried to make it fun.

Told me to think of my butt as a... hungry clown.

Aw, everybody forgot about that...

...Blewis.

[laughing]

I should've killed you when I had the chance.

- No, go to your happy place. - No, I don't want to.

- No, that's not gonna work. - Go to your happy place.

- Go to the happy place. - Aah.

Oh, you see, nothing changed here.

What brings you to town?

Well, I finally pulled the trigger.

I got engaged.

So, she's gonna get her citizenship, what do you get?

No.

And I'm not engaged anymore, either.

We got in a fight and broke up on the way over here.

Oh, are you sad? Or should I say, blue?

[laughing]

Even from the happy place. Yes!

[sighs]

God, you poor guy.

Well at least you still have that cushy job

down at the plant.

Burned down.

(Kate) 'Oh.'

Uh, hey, new shoes!

Anyway, I have no reason to go back to Florida

so I was thinkin' maybe I could live here with you.

What do you think, little bother?

Well, uh, I don't know...

Hey, sounds like fun.

[theme music]

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with their crimson lips ♪

♪ Go "Cleveland rocks!" ♪

♪ "Cleveland Rocks!" ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin ♪

♪ Go Cleveland Rocks! ♪

♪ Cleveland Rocks! ♪

Ohio!

Thanks for letting me stay here and get over my broken heart.

Hell, if anybody understands rejection and humiliation

it's my little brother.

Hey.

There's a guy with a girlfriend here

and I got a picture to prove it, look.

I had her wave her hand around

so you could see it wasn't a cardboard cut-out.

Wow!

Alright, I think you looked at it long enough!

Uh-oh, still a little sensitive

about me stealing your girlfriend?

Nah, I'm over that.

Who cares about some cousin dad paid to go out with me.

She was our cousin?

Yeah.

Ooh, that was close.

[door opens]

Hey, uh, so I can't tell you how happy I am

you're gonna be spending some time here.

How long exactly am I gonna be happy?

Hey, I'm outta here the minute I get a job.

Growing hair seems to be work.

Get out.

Hey, you know, there's an opening at Global Parcel.

- Really? - Yeah.

And you get to deliver packages

to single women during the day.

- You got any good stories? - No. Do you?

Hey, Drew, you do the hiring over at Winfred-Louder.

Can't you get me something?

Well, if you're willing to work you're butt off

I guess there's something we could do

but I don't think you'd be happy with any of the jobs.

Try me.

Well, there's an opening at the loading dock

but with your back, I don't think it's such a good idea.

And then, there's opening for an in-store model

but... with your front

I don't think it's really such a good idea.

Oh, yeah, I forgot, you got the looks.

'What else?'

Okay, we have accounting, uh

toddler and infant wear, cosmetics...

Hey, cosmetics, isn't that where Kate works?

It'd be fun to work with Kate.

Yeah, we could use a guy down there

with all the new men's products.

Why don't you tell him why there's an opening in cosmetics?

Hey, she tried to take my commission.

I barely touched her.

She was the one that got all dramatic

and threw herself down the escalator.

And that's not even the amazing part.

The amazing part is, she kicked herself in her own ass.

Well, look, you're under no obligation to keep me

if I don't do a good job.

And, I can keep Kate out of trouble.

We'd be a good influence on each other.

Well...

Well, it looks like you guys would make a pretty good team.

I can't believe you made us 20 minutes late.

Hey, somebody broke down on the side of the road.

It was a random act of kindness.

Random?

The first time you ever stopped to help someone

and it's a donut truck.

I wound up changing the tire

you spent the whole time in the back.

Hey, I was trying to save lives!

'Oh.'

Could've been someone trapped under all those donuts.

Here, put this under sign card.

Hey!

It's Jackie! Oh, my God.

If you've gotta know, Podunk, I, tried a new line of cosmetics

and I had an allergic reaction.

The doc said no make-up for two weeks.

So, underneath those glasses and those scarves

you're not wearing any make-up?

No.

Wow. Were you scared when you saw it?

No! Go take a flying... poke and a don't pick...

[screaming]

It's like Samson without his hair.

Stuff it, curly cheeks.

Oh, jeez...

Nice try sneaking in late, Bobeck.

Now lose this silly disguise and let's get to work.

I can't, sir. I-I have allergies.

I'm not wearing any make-up.

Oh, well, I'm sure it can't be that bad.

Don't touch the glasses, sir.

[whimpering] Oh, you're hurting my wrist.

Sorry, I forgot you were British.

This is insane.

You can't come in to work everyday

wrapped up like the invisible man.

Tomorrow, I want no glasses, no scarf and if need be no make-up.

Fine, I come in tomorrow with nothing on my face

just like that day I was born!

Born?

I heard she burst out of her mother's stomach

scurried across the delivery room and killed a doctor.

That's cruel, Carey. Nice to see I'm rubbing off.

Yeah, thanks.

Hey, uh, listen, here's another one.

It's my brother's first day down at cosmetics.

I thought it'd be pretty funny if you went down there

in just a few minutes and fired him.

- Okay. - Uh, not for real.

I mean, you know, as a joke.

Alright, I'll do it for you if you play a little joke for me.

- Okay, just name it. - Alright.

I want you to go downstairs to the nurses' office...

This will kill 'em.

Get a hemorrhoid donut pillow.

[both laughing]

Bring it up to my office, blow it up and put it on my chair.

This shade looks natural on you

which is what we're all going for, isn't it?

I'm wearing this entire line right now

and believe me you have no idea

what I wake up to in the morning.

(Drew) Hey.

Morning.

Uh, don't mind me, I'm just waiting for somebody.

[whistling]

[blowing air]

She'll ring you up over there.

Thank you for shopping Winfred-Louder.

Is this a joke?

'Cause there is a right time and a wrong time to tell a joke.

Oh, look, it's the wrong time!

This is not a joke. I'm a cross-dresser.

- No. - Yeah.

No!

Drew, feel my leg.

Oh, my God!

(Nigel) 'Fee fi fo fum'

I'm in the mood to fire someone.

Carey, where's your brother?

Well, hello.

Whose this, then?

Hi. I'm Stephanie. I just started this morning.

Oh, new women employee, eh?

No wonder Carey's down here, sniffing you out.

[stammering] Uh, uh, my brother, sir, uh, he changed his mind.

And, as it turns out, uh

he'll be working in ladies Big and Tall

So, sorry you missed him.

Hey Drew. Hey, Mr. Wick. Hey...

Oh, Steve...

Steve?

By George, you're a man!

Oh, good job then. Carry on.

Carey, could I talk to you for a moment?

Nope. Got to run. Bye.

Is this a joke, Carey?

We can't have this sort of thing on the floor.

We've a very traditional clientele

here at Winfred Lauder's.

So by the end of the day, I want him fired!

Welcome aboard, Stephanie.

Looking forward to many years working together.

You'll see the humor in that later.

Well, I just have one question.

Are those the earrings I gave mom for Christmas?

(Kate) 'Thanks for picking us up, Oswald.'

Here's a question.

Why are you wearing a dress?

I'm sorry. We should have said something.

- I'm a cross-dresser. - Oh!

Well, you look real pretty there, Steve.

Do you think Drew went straight home?

Let's see, brother in a dress.

Hmm. No, I'd say, he stopped for a beer.

Could you drop me at The Warsaw?

I should talk to him.

Do you think I should change first?

What do you usually wear to a bar

to get the crap beat out of you?

Hey, this is silk.

- I'd better change. - Yeah.

Here's another question.

Why are you a cross-dresser?

Well, let me ask you something, Oswald.

Why do you, uh, go to baseball games?

Why do you eat ice cream?

Why do you take bike rides in the park?

Well, 'cause it feels good.

Well, you should try it in women's underwear.

It's unbelievable.

[laughing]

No, there were no signs.

There was nothing to prepare me for this.

I mean, this is the guy I grew up with. It's my brother.

This is the guy that taught me how to take

a girl's bra off in the dark!

Of course, he knew.

Sorry, man. I guess he just never grew out of the phase.

What phase?

You know, the phase when you put on your mother's clothes

and dance around the house singing songs by The Supremes.

You know, like every guy goes through.

Right, Drew?

Lewis, how old were you

when you went through this phase?

What phase?

The one you were just talking about.

I wasn't talking about any phase.

I was just sitting here being a regular guy

like I've always been.

Oh, well, that's gonna stain.

Hey.

So, uh, you changed.

I saw how uncomfortable my clothes made you at the store

so I figured I'd dress like a guy.

Well... mostly.

You know, you put me in a real spot at work?

I...I don't know what the hell to do.

You know what I'd do?

What? "Stop In The Name Of Love?"

Come on, Lewis.

And, uh, don't feel bad.

I once went through a phase

where I smoked cigars and belched.

- Really? - No, I didn't, sweetie.

I guess you're just some kind of twisted freak.

Okay. I've a couple of questions.

Why did you just have to show up to work like that?

Why didn't you just tell me?

I've been trying to tell you for years.

I left all kinds of signs.

Remember, when dad kept finding

my girlfriend's clothes in my bedroom?

Those were your clothes?

I used to dance with them.

Once I went out on my own

I just figured it was easier to keep it to myself.

Then I came here, I thought...

"What the hell, I'll show Drew

then it'll all be out in the open."

Okay. Look. It doesn't have to be a problem, alright?

You just show up to work and then dress as a guy.

That's when I need to dress up most.

When I dress like a woman, it gives me confidence.

Okay, look.

And-and don't take this the wrong way, but...

You know, you don't make an attractive woman.

Hey, I'm not that bad.

I'm as good-looking as mom was at my age.

Oh, man! Here comes the nightmares.

Look, I, I heard Wick wants you to fire me and...

...I'm not gonna cause you anymore grief.

I can find a job some place else.

Don't worry about it.

Hey... wait.

Look, don't quit.

I'm-I'm not so hung up on appearances

that I would screw you over.

You know, you're...

...my brother, man. I'll...

I'll go in there and I'll fight for you.

Hey, uh...

...are you gay?

'Cause, you know, if you are, there's federal laws

that will protect your job.

Nope. Not gay.

Ah, that's a shame.

You know, if you were a pregnant gay senior citizen

with carpal tunnel syndrome, I could make you

a CEO of that place.

[instrumental music]

(Mimi) 'Hey!'

Get out of my way!

Hey, look what hit the fan.

Uh, I thought that Mr. Wick said you couldn't have anything

covering your face today.

Shut your trap! I'm not gonna.

[clicks switch]

There.

Technically, I'm not wearing anything on my face.

Hello, Carey, Mimi...

You're shining like a morning star.

Hey, maybe I can wish upon your face.

Nope. You're still here.

I'll be right back!

I left all my "screw-you expressions" in the car!

Drew, everybody's downstairs and ready to go.

Oh, I hope for Steve's sake, this works.

[knocks on door]

Mr. Wick, can you come out here for a second?

What now, Carey?

The family dog want to be a cat?

No, but the family cross-dresser wants to work in cosmetics.

And I'm not gonna fire him till you hear me out.

You haven't fired him yet?

I told you, I'll not have a man in a dress

scaring away my customers!

But even you couldn't tell he was a woman

till Kate said something?

I would have eventually.

I could tell a man from a woman

in the dark with my hands tied behind my back!

Not that I ever would have.

You know, it's not always that easy.

And matter of fact, I'm willing to bet

my brother's job on it.

What are you suggesting, Carey?

A little contest called, "Dude Looks Like A Lady."

If you can't tell the men from the women...

...my brother gets his job back.

Alright. I'll play your little game.

But if I win...

...what can I take from you that you really care about?

Your pool table.

Not my pool table. That was my dad's pool table.

Can't you just... take Nicki for a night?

I'm kidding!

- Hey, I'll do it. - What?

I'm kidding.

I'd rather have the pool table.

I'm not kidding.

(Drew) 'Okay, now somewhere in this department'

'I've planted four men dressed as women.'

Alright and all I have to do

is find one in one minute.

It's child's play.

But if you make a wrong choice, you lose.

So, Mr. Wick... spot that man!

Ha!

Hello, welcome to Winfred-Louder!

Look at you, you're the cutest customer I've ever seen!

Too smooth. Beat it.

Right.

Good morning, madam.

No, no apple. Alright.

Let's see if we can, uh, find a banana.

[grunts]

Foxy.

Oops! I've dropped my keys.

Now I have no option, but to bend over

and display my luscious bum.

Uh-ha! Who's looking?

What are you staring at, Carey?

Brains behind Winfred-Louder, sir.

Hey, I could be a man.

Why don't you pick me, ha? Why don't you pick me?

You don't know, I could have a penis on me somewhere.

Don't worry. You're in my top five.

Alright, it's a little more difficult than I thought

but I'll find him.

[laughs]

Carey!

This is just too easy!

[laughs]

Every female impersonator in the world

does Dionne Warwick!

And you found a bad one!

Come on, let's get that manhood out of there.

Ah, come on, let's see the old manhood!

Have you finished shopping yet, Ms. Warwick?

(Dionne) Yes, I have.

But apparently... he hasn't.

- Sorry. I'm a big fan. - 'Yeah.'

Wow! It's Dionne Warwick right here in our store.

Hey, welcome to Winfred-Louder!

Thank you very much. It's nice to be here.

I must say this, though.

You really have Macy's beat...

...for service.

Alright. I give in. You win.

Just tell me one thing.

That cute blonde over there, that is a woman, isn't it?

Oh! No, sir.

Then if you excuse me...

...someone owes me a ladies' Rolex.

Frankie!

[instrumental music]

I'm really glad you didn't have to go.

You know what...

...I would have missed you.

Thanks, Drew.

I was talking to the pool table.

I would have missed you too.

Talking to you, lady.

So, uh, tell me. Do mom and dad know about you?

Mom, yes. Dad, no.

Oh! That explains why he's still alive.

Here comes, Lewis.

Keep a straight face.

Why?

I fell asleep on the couch watching football.

Oh, crap! I'm late for my date.

And I'm meeting her parents tonight.

Oh, yeah.

Keeping an eye on you, Steve.

So, uh, first time meeting the parents?

Yeah. Yes.

Here's a question.

Why didn't you wear a tie?

Oh, you think I need one?

Hey, hey, hey. Don't be so vain.

I don't know why I said it...

Hey, is that, uh, her and her dad up in the lawn?

Well...

- Here I go. - Lewis, Lewis.

I can't do this to you.

Come here.

- 'Got a..' - Oh!

- Thanks. - Yeah.