Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

- 'Guess who?' - Heh. O.. Mm...

Oswald, you're here again!

Yeah, I know. It's been a whole hour.

But I was delivering this human heart to the hospital

and I thought...

I should go see my sweetheart.

Oh, my God! You have a heart in there?

What, are you crazy? Get out of here!

[chuckles] I'm just kidding.

I brought you lunch.

They let me keep the...

They let me keep the cooler after I delivered the heart.

- Thanks, honey. - Sure.

Listen, when you came by this morning

and delivered that registered kiss, that was cute.

[chuckles]

And when-when...

And when you made me sign for the hug, that was cute.

- Heh-heh. - But you know what?

I think we'll appreciate each other even more

if you don't visit during work hours quite so much.

Oh, my God. I'm getting clingy.

Please tell me I'm not clingy.

Is he bothering you?

Yes, we're seeing each other.

Seeing each other?

Open your mouth!

No.

I'll give you a dollar.

That's all I needed to know.

What a dope.

Here's your furry little crap machine.

Excuse me, Mimi, but this is our boss' furry little crap machine.

And his crap is worth more than you make in a year!

There's a law that says you're supposed

to pick up after your dog.

Here's a map of everywhere he went.

Fine. Leave it on Carey's desk.

W-what kind of, let's say, dog is that?

It's Lucky. Mrs. Louder's champion Hungarian Puli.

I know he looks mangy, but his unique coat

is what makes him such a lovely breeder.

I promised I would take care of him as if he was my own child.

Now, where's Carey? I'm dumping the old bat's hairball on him.

Um, don't you remember, you sent him to teach

that seminar in Toledo, so you could charge him

for a sick day and not pay him for it.

Oh, yes. Huh.

Perhaps you could take the dog for a few days.

I have a lady house guest who simply adores me

if you know what I'm saying.

- But she's allergic to dogs. - Hm.

Huh. How long is your mom staying?

About ten days. Minutes.

Look, I-I'd love to take the dog

but they don't allow pets in my building.

Uh, um, I guess I could drop him off at Drew's place.

Thank you.

He needs to be walked every three hours.

And he likes to have his belly rubbed.

Also, he's horribly allergic to something.

Very common. Begins with the letter A.

I-if he eats it, he'll vomit all over the floor and then die.

Oh, well, I'll call if I think of it.

[theme song]

♪ Aah-aah-aah aah-aah-aah ♪

♪ Aah-aah-aah ♪

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with their crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ She's livin' in sin with a safety pin going ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[echoing] Ohio!

[instrumental music]

Hey, Speedy. I brought you a little friend here.

And I'm not gonna leave until I'm sure

the two of you will get along.

Now play nice.

Well, why don't you put your nose there?

I guess you're friends.

Drew!

Drew, Xena, the Warrior Princess is here

with pizza and beer, and she wants to party!

Definitely not home.

[door opens]

[telephone ringing]

(Drew on answering machine) 'Hey, it's Drew. This machine sucks.'

'Wait for the sound of a beep that kind of fizzles out.'

'Then a crackling sound and then there is a kind of a pop.'

'Then you can leave your message.'

[answering machine beeps]

[crackling]

(Oswald on answering machine) 'Drew, it's Oswald, I'm out of gas'

'and I need a ride back from the Huntley Hotel.'

'Hey, remember Barbara, that cheerleader from high school?'

'She's here and she's hittin' on me.'

- Oh, really? - 'I told her, back off!'

'I'm in love with the most beautiful girl'

'in the whole wide world.'

Oswald, I'll be there in 20 minutes.

(Oswald) 'Oh, hi, Kate! Stop it, Barbara.'

[chuckling] 'Oh, my neck isn't tight.'

I'll be there in five.

I am telling you, that was the best seminar

on paperwork reduction I evergave.

I swear, for the last two hours, the audience didn't even blink.

Are you sure they weren't just sleeping with

eyeballs painted on their eyelids?

- No. - That would be impossible because...

Bastards!

Hey, Drew, when did your mop start breathing?

What the hell is that? Is that a dog?

Hey.

Well, there's no tags either.

- And his hair is all matted up. - I'll call the animal shelter.

No! No, no, wait. Let's, uh...

Maybe I should just keep him, you know?

If we take him to the pound, you know, they'll just...

- What? - Well, you know...

[gasps] Oh, yeah, they'll take him to Doggy Island

where all the dogs run free and eat big steaks, right?

- Doggy Island? - Yeah.

Where they took Skipper when I was eight.

Oh, yeah, y-yeah.

Just like they took your gerbil to Gerbil Island, right?

No, he died and we threw him out. How old are you?

[instrumental music]

Hey, you know what, I think the little guy's a lot happier

now we got him all cleaned up and had the vet check him out.

Yeah. And I don't have kennel cough.

Hey, Drew. How's Lucky doing?

Pretty good. How's Goofy doing?

Not bad.

No, Lucky, the dog I left here.

You mean that wasn't a stray?

No. Didn't you read my note?

Where's Lucky? Is he alright?

Please don't tell me that this is Mrs. Louder's dog.

No. Please don't tell me this is Mrs. Louder's dog.

Mr. Wick was dog-sitting and he

asked me to drop it off with you.

It's a prize-winning Hungarian Puli!

He was supposed to look that way! What have you done?

Well, he was hot.

You don't understand! This dog is a stud. He's worth a fortune!

He's a breeding dog!

Well, what are we so worried about?

I mean, hair grows back, doesn't it?

We also had something done to him that doesn't grow back.

You're not lucky at all, are you?

[instrumental music]

Yeah, hi, doc. Yeah. It's Drew Carey. I was just in there.

Yeah. See, listen, I-I have kind of an unusual question.

Um, when you fix a dog, do you keep anything?

Oh, if that's the stupidest question you ever heard

your world is pretty small.

Lucky's charms are gone.

Um, it's okay, little fella.

Think of it this way, it's one less thing to clean.

Yeah, that'll save you an hour a day.

Don't you guys see what's going on here?

Monday morning I'm gonna go to work.

- And Mr. Wick's gonna fire me. - Hey.

Maybe Mrs. Louder won't be as upset as you think.

I mean, looks don't matter so much when you love your pet.

Remember Lewis' dog last year? He was ugly.

- That wasn't a dog. - Huh? Then what was I feeding?

That was Chester, the cat from DrugCo. on gene therapy.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah. He's a bear now.

Oh!

Drew, you're saved! I found purebred Pulis for sale.

Oh. "Champion lineage, 5K."

Wow! That must be a good dog that they can run at 5K.

[banging on door]

- I wonder who this is. - Well...

I've heard of animals finding their way home.

Maybe it's Lucky's testicles.

Hey, there were two knocks.

Well, we were close.

I assume that was an insult. I'm here to get Lucky.

Oh, sir, I like you and everything--

Oh, no. Lucky, the dog.

My mummy's not coming, so I can take him back. Where is he?

Here, boy! Here, Lucky!

Carey, there's no other way to say this

but your dog is butt-ugly.

Now where's Lucky?

Uh, sir, th-that is Lucky.

Oh.

- There's more. - Well, technically, less.

There's no good way to put this, sir

but there's no more ding-dongs

in Lucky's lunchbox.

I know what you're up to. This is all a plan!

You're trying to get me fired, so you can have my job!

I'm gonna get fired, too!

I didn't say it was a good plan

ya Yankee clipper!

Good news, I.. Mr. Wick!

Drew, what did you do to that dog?

- He knows. - Oh.

Anyway, I just found purebred Pulis for sale

but the lowest the guy would go was $4500.

Forty-five-hundred dollars. Might as well be a million.

Where am I gonna get $4500?

I don't even know anybody who can lend me $4500.

Unless he's rich and British

and doesn't know when to jump in.

Drew, ask Mr. Wick.

Carey, this isn't easy, there's something

you don't know about me. I...

I make good money, but I can't touch a penny of it.

Why not?

I have a passion for the ponies.

A passion for ponies? That's disgusting!

I bet on them, ya moron!

And after years, I've learned I can't be trusted with my money

so the court appointed me a financial guardian.

So can't you just ask them for the money?

- No, mummy's very strict. - Oh.

Well, you could always sell your body for money.

[chuckling] Sell the...

Hold on a second. That's not so stupid.

That's like those guys we saw in that movie, "The Full Monty."

I'll do it.

You mean, you're gonna make your money by stripping?

I'll do it.

Yeah! Those guys made a fortune. They weren't so good-looking.

Hey, the only reason those guys made all that money

is 'cause they had to go all the way.

- Well? - I'll do it.

I'll do it right now.

Who are you?

Look, I know we're all desperate and I can't afford

to lose my job either, but I just don't think I can do it.

It's just so Benny Hill!

Listen, if I'm doing it, you're doing it.

We wouldn't even be in this mess if it wasn't for you

dumping that dog on me.

Besides, my best friends are doing it.

- Huh? - They don't even have to.

Drew, what if some of us have surprisingly red hair?

That's great! We have a Ferrari.

Come on, Mr. Wick. You're in great shape.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

'Cause I'm doing it.

You don't understand.

(Wick) After I was born, I wasn't...

Well, let's just say, my captain still wears his cap to dinner.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

[crowd cheering]

Calm down! Calm down. Trust me, it'd be worth the wait.

Keep drinking, we'll look a lot better.

Okay, now it's ours for the night.

Just tell me on thing, man, we're not gonna make

complete idiots of ourselves up there, are we?

Oh, relax, Drew, we practiced, we know what we are doing.

And the human body is the most natural thing in the world.

Besides, we get to be naked!

[laughs]

Who the hell are you?

I'm ready for ya.

Just wanna warn you, Mimi, once that music starts

and I'm on stage, I might lose control.

I might just improvise a little lap dance.

Here's my 20 bucks. Keep your punching bag out of my face.

You guys are gonna do great. I'm gonna go grab a seat.

What? You can't stay. I thought you were just dropping us off.

What are you so worried about, Drew?

You wore a Speedo at the lake. I've seen everything.

And I'm dating Oswald, so there's no surprise there.

All that's left is the captain and big red.

- I'm not doing it. - Why not?

- It's not the hair, is it? - No, it's not that.

I was so nervous, it went gray overnight.

I'm nervous, Lewis. I need you up there, man.

I need the, I need "The Silver Fox."

You mean Charlie Rich?

Call it what you will.

I'm sorry, Drew. I, I can't do the baby elephant walk.

It's just wrong.

Great. Now we're down a man.

Hey, Drew.

Nicki, w-w-what are you doing here? No.

You're not supposed to be b-back till Monday.

- Surprise! I'm back early. - Huh.

Mwah! I came here to find you. Can you believe it?

I heard a bunch of schlubs are gonna strip down to nothing.

[both laughing]

Uh, I guess they have their reasons. Uh...

Oh, my God. It's you!

Look, Nicki, I'm really sorry. I-I...

What, you-you-you better be! I mean, I haven't got a camera.

I-I didn't call my girlfriends... Oh, my God!

It's grandma's birthday! She would've loved this!

Hey, Carey. Heard one of your boys got cold feet.

Larry. When did you get out of jail?

This morning. I got probation.

I'm a first-timer and a responsible member

of the community. Here's the deal.

I'll take my clothes off for a 100 bucks.

What do we need you for?

You wanna see what I bring to the party? Step into my office.

You're in.

Geez, you think you'd be more popular.

Alright, everybody, can I have your attention please?

[women cheering]

Calm down, calm down.

We'll be starting in just a few minutes.

We just have to go change.

- 'Yeah!' - 'Alright! Take it off!'

Oh, and no flash photography. It upsets Kong.

I-I'm just here 'cause I came in by accident.

Oh, oh, and I'm just here to support my boyfriend.

- I'm-I'm not, I'm not-- - Quit your yappin'.

I don't wanna miss any of the meat.

["You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet" by Bachman–Turner Overdrive]

[cheering and laughter]

[cheering and applause]

[women cheering]

[cheering and applause]

[song stops]

Sorry, ladies! The show's over!

- No! - No!

I'm sorry, but the Warsaw is not zoned for this kind of thing!

- Oh... - Wait a second!

Here they've all paid for their tickets.

We're just having fun here.

Hey, take it up with the city council.

- Maybe I will! - Come on.

- Aw... - Boo!

How are you guys keeping those packages on anyway?

We've got Velcro.

You guys got Velcro?

[instrumental music]

Thank you, Mr. Zackler, for making this

a better neighborhood. God bless you.

[applauding]

- Alright. Who's next? - Drew Carey, sir.

Uh, we're the ones who wanna expose ourselves in the bar.

Uh, to raise money for a dog we castrated.

Mr. Carey, the zoning ordinances

strictly forbid stripping in your area.

In fact, you may be the exact reason

why these laws were created.

Okay, first of all, there's another adult-oriented business

in the area, the Adam And Eve Bookstore is right down

the street, it's open seven days a week.

Uh, uh, half a day on Sunday.

Oh, you just happen to know that.

No, it's where I buy my pornography.

But still, that business complies

with zoning regulations.

There's no live entertainment. Only magazines.

And on a personal note, those people work out

every once in a while.

[clears throat] If I may interject, in Europe

nudity is commonplace. You see it all the time.

- On the beaches. - No! Not just on the beaches.

Uh, all over the place. Movie theaters, cafes, restaurants.

That's not true. I've been to Europe, they don't do that.

Been to Asia?

Look, I don't see what the big deal is.

You're born naked and you die naked. End of story.

You don't die naked.

If you plan it right, you do.

All I'm saying is, one way or another

somebody's gonna see me naked.

You want to see what I bring to the party?

Oh, come on!

Your Honor, we wanna go on record

to shout it from the mountaintops

that on this Wednesday, November, 1997

we stood up for our right to see these men naked!

Alright then, for the record, what are your names?

- Lucy. - Ethel.

Alright, alright, now we've all had our fun

and now it's time for me to say request denied

bang my little wooden thing.

Wait a second. This is so unfair.

How can you decide on something without even seeing it?

Don't-don't you guys wanna see it?

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Whoo!

[applauding]

Lewis, buddy. Finally over that hair problem?

Hey, no hair, no problem.

["Free Ride" by The Edgar Winter Group]

Forty-six-hundred and ninety-nine, forty-seven-hundr...

I bet there's almost $4800 here.

What should we do with the extra?

I say we put the money into new costumes.

- And then-- - No, we gotta do what's right.

We gotta give this money to the people who earned it.

Sorry you had to see my butt. Sorry you had to see my butt.

Sorry, sorry. So...

Wait a second, I had to see your butts.

[applauding]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]