Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

- Morning, Mimi. - Morning.

What's with your pajama's, Hugh Hefner?

I'm having a dream.

Cool.

Come on over to the window.

Let's see if you can fly.

Gee, I wondering why this dream is taking so long?

Oh, my God. I bet I forgot to set my alarm.

Quick, I gotta wake up. Scare me.

Okay, when you wake up, you're still gonna be you.

No, I need something really frightening.

[screaming]

[screaming]

Huh, didn't work.

Hey, maybe deep down I'm sexually attracted to you.

Boy in real life you'd pay for that kind

of ammunition, wouldn't ya?

I'll tell you what I'd pay for!

I'd pay for a dead rat to get the taste

of your breakfast out of my mouth.

Carey.

Yeah, you big sacky Yorkshire pudding.

A women on the third floor says that on the way up here

you showed her your bum?

Yeah, it's my dream, I guess I can show my bum

to whoever I want.

Shut up and kiss me.

Whoa, wait a second.

If I don't wake up, what does that say?

This is the craziest party there could ever be.

Drew, they're talking about you all over the store.

Oh, God, you finally outgrew all the rest of your clothes.

No, I'm just having a dream.

What? You're what?

It's some kind of crazy dream.

I'm going through some leftover fries

I come across this game card that says

I'm an instant winner.

I never win anything in my life.

All of a sudden I win the Batmobile?

Hey, you wanna see a naked dance before I wake up?

Oh, my God, Drew! You really did win the Batmobile!

Yeah, right.

My scale was right when it said

I lost ten pounds this morning.

No, I forgot to tell you

we broke it last night.

Lewis was trying to figure out

how much he weighs when he jumps.

Hey, everybody! I won the Batmobile!

I won the Batmobile! I...

Get out of the way. I'm gonna fly.

Drew, you're not dreaming.

I know, I kissed Mimi.

♪ Ah ah ah ♪

♪ All this energy calling me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with the crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

Ohio!

Really appreciate you guys hanging out with me

till the Batmobile gets here.

It's the coolest thing that's ever happened to me.

Hey, look.

There's thirty pictures left in this camera.

I want you to get every emotion that comes

over my face as the day goes by.

Okay.

Let's start with anticipation.

[camera shutter clicks]

So, you gonna let us take it for a little spin?

Sorry, there's no way.

Hey, look.

I got selfish.

I'll give you a ride in it but I don't know when.

I've to meet Nicki's parents tonight.

Sounds like it's getting serious.

When's the big day?

Well, it's not that serious. They haven't even had sex yet.

Who told you?

- Kate. - Oh.

Do they plan to soon?

Well...

...Nicki wants to wait a while.

She wants to make sure...

She wants to make sure that the moment is just right.

Hmm.

How does Drew feel about that?

Well, Drew respects that but...

You know, it's been a while for him too.

- Oh. - Yeah.

If you ask me, he's a little afraid about going the distance.

- Uh-hmm. - Um-hmm.

Well, you know, what I heard?

- Um. - What?

Just about about enough out of you two jackasses.

[laughs]

Hey, look.

Performance anxiety.

[laughing]

Um, is the car here yet?

No, but keep next Friday open 'cause we're gonna be

the coolest couple in the video arcade.

We're going out in the Batmobile?

Yeah, how cool is that?

Drew, I read it somewhere, it's 30 feet long

with flashy neon lights.

That's why the chicks dig it.

Um, no.

That's why the chicks meet Batman at the theatre.

- Hey, I got a idea. - Hmm.

Why don't we take it to some secluded little spot and park?

And, uh, make out?

Sure, even better.

You just wanna sit in the car?

It's the Batmobile.

If I didn't wanna use it, I would have taken the money.

- What money? - $200,000.

[spitting]

They offered you $200,000 or the Batmobile?

And you took the Batmobile?

Oh, and I suppose you would have taken the cash, right?

- Well... - Yes.

Oh, I guess that explains why I'm where I am

and you guys... are where you are.

He's right.

- You know where we are? - Huh?

We're at the house of a guy who just gave away $200,000!

Lewis. No.

Let me put that in terms

you can understand, Rockefeller.

That's 300,000 peanut clusters.

Let-let me go. What're you doing?

You think I don't know that?

Almost 25,000 peaches, over two million meat balls

150,000 gallons of gravy, I did the math!

You think they'd offered me $200,000

if the Batmobile wasn't worth a lot more, huh?

Well, what if you're wrong?

What if it went down a third in value

as soon as Batman drove it off the lot.

[knock on door] This is it. This is it.

This is gonna be the coolest thing ever.

For once, I'm gonna get some color in my life.

I'm here for the carpool. Where's the Batmobile?

It's not my carpool day, Mimi. Beat it.

Wrong again, Dynamic Duo.

I switched with Johnson.

Now, I get a ride in the coolest car in the world

or Wick hears about your little trip to Florida

on the company dime.

I didn't go to Florida, you did.

No, I didn't. Drew Carey did.

Good thing your name like your body is gender neutral.

[doorbell ringing]

It's the front door.

Quick, to the Batmobile.

Nothing's gonna ruin this. Not Mimi getting the first ride.

Not passing up a load of money. Nothing.

Okay. How do we look?

There's probably gonna be a lot of photographers.

There's probably gonna be a media circus out there.

Okay.

You, Drew Carey?

Back you animals, back.

You'll all get your chance.

- I'm Drew Carey. - Good.

Here's, your Bat-manual, Bat-keys, Bat-warranty

Bat-no-spill coffee mug.

- Whoa. - Whoa.

Sign here.

Wait a second. Where's...

Where's all the fan fair?

I mean, where's all the photographers?

Oh, I-I guess they are with my super model girlfriend

in my house at the beach.

Well, now that all the hoopla's died down...

...quick to the fat-mobile.

[engine revving]

Wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

I'm Batman.

Watch the road, pig.

Relax, I'm only goin' five miles an hour.

Come on, open this baby up.

I could barely feel the wind on my face.

Maybe the wind's been avoiding your face, ever think of that?

Oh, wow, there's my neighbor Clemens.

He thinks he's so hot on his riding mower.

This is gonna really burn his ass.

Holy weed-whacker, Clemens.

Looks like you could be working on that lawn all year long.

I heard you won some kind of special car, Carey.

Where is it?

Killing, ain't it, Clemens?

Your neighbor Drew Carey has the Batmobile.

Not only that but look I caught the Joker.

Woo-oo-oh, hi, Drew, cool car.

Hey, you haven't introduced me to your new girlfriend?

I'll bring her by as soon as I get this out of the car.

You think I'd date him for free?

It's costing him a 100 bucks an hour.

He's a freak, I tell you. A stoned freak.

You'll pay for that, Three-face.

- By the way, you buckled up? - Why?

[whooshing]

[instrumental music]

Okay...

...for dinner tonight with my folks

the dress that says, "Hi, mom and dad, I'm happy."

Or the dress that says, "Hi, mom and dad, Drew's happy."

Oh, you've been shopping at our get-a-load-of-these department?

I'll go with the blue.

Ah, and a... it goes without saying

but... you'll pick me up in the Buick, right?

No way, I don't wanna look like some geeky nerd.

I wanna drive up in Batman's car.

Drew, it's just my last few boyfriends have been kind of

out there and I don't know, I just really want my folks

to see I'm dating a nice normal guy.

Oh, yeah, I can hear your folks now.

Well, your new boyfriend has no future and he drinks too much

but he does have that '91 Buick LeSabre.

Dad and I say go for it.

Look, it's just that my family is... real uptight.

And they just wouldn't get how cool the Batmobile is.

Alright, we'll take the other car.

But-but, you know, I-I want you to understand

that you shouldn't be jealous of the Batmobile.

I just like it different than I like you, that's all.

[instrumental music]

Yeah-yeah, hi. Look-look.

Third time I called.

I walked in the house for five minutes

I go out, my new car was stolen.

Okay, now before I tell you what kind it is...

...let me just say the last two people hung up on me.

Now, I'm dead serious. It's no joke.

It's the Batmobile.

Damn it.

[door closing]

Drew, I drove all around looking for your car

and I couldn't find it anywhere. I'm really sorry.

Why the car?

Why didn't they take the house?

Well, there's nothing more we can do here.

As soon as we get to the restaurant we'll call again.

The restaurant, I can't eat now.

Drew, my parents are waiting.

I know it's an expensive car but--

It's not about the money.

This is about a regular guy...

...who finally gets a break

and wins something that makes him special.

You know, this isn't the Beverly Hillbillies Jalopy.

It's not the Munster Mobile.

It's-it's not the Oscar Mayer Wiener Wagon.

Although, that will be pretty cool.

[knock on door]

Oh, this could be them.

Oh, I can't wait to get my hands on the creeps that did this.

Officer, am I glad to see you. Did you find it?

Yeah, do these two belong to you?

Oh, my God.

Look at you.

Drew, please don't send us to prison.

Not in these costumes.

So, you wanna press charges?

No, the walk home from here in those costumes

will be punishment enough.

- Oh. - Thanks, Drew.

Take the long way.

I want a matchbook from the biker bar.

Alright, let's go.

W-w-whoa, you're not still thinking

about taking the Batmobile, are you?

I can't leave it here to get stolen again.

I-I'm not gonna have you sitting at the dinner table

checking out the window every five minutes.

No, hey, look that's crazy.

We'd dinner with your parents in shifts.

I gotta go to the bathroom then you gotta go to the bathroom

then I go to check out the desert cart...

Wait a second, I'm really gonna do that.

But then...

...you can meet an old friend at the lounge.

His name is Fred, Herb.

Nicki, come on, we can work this out.

You're really special to me.

You're really close to the car, watch the buckle on your purse.

(Nicki) 'Oh, you're driving me nuts, Drew.

Hey, you wanna start leaving your stuff here? That's great.

[instrumental music]

I'm... sorry about stealing the Batmobile last night, Drew.

Hope you're not still mad.

I'm not happy about it. You made me so paranoid.

I stayed up all night watching it.

Well, it's the Batmobile. Doesn't it have an alarm?

Well, technically no.

But if somebody messes with it it projects

a Bat-signal up into the sky.

So, $200,000 car is protected by a flashlight?

Hey, did the sun just come out?

- Drew, boy blunder... - Uh-huh.

Go ahead and have your little laugh

but for an hour at the Euclid Square Mall radio shack...

...I was a God.

So, uh, what are you doing here?

I guess you got my flowers, huh?

I wanna talk Drew and I'd like to do it over dinner.

L-listen, I really care about you.

You're always gonna come first before some silly car.

I don't know--

Listen, baby from now on it's all about you.

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

What's the matter?

Nothing.

[thinking] Must stay here.

Must fix relationship.

Must ignore Bat-signal.

Excuse me, Master Carey.

I-I need to see you and Master Dick in the library.

I'm afraid you'll have to handle Master Dick by yourself.

I have my hands full.

Uh... okay.

Listen, I have to leave work early anyway.

Why don't we go to some place

you know, where we can talk in private?

What'd you have in mind?

[instrumental music]

[engine revving]

There, now we can talk.

I think we can really work this Batmobile thing out

if we just set up some ground rules.

I can't believe we're having this conversation

sitting in the Batmobile.

And it really handles well.

I mean, it took those corners without even slowing down.

Plus I didn't see and the windshield's so dark

we're lucky to be alive.

Okay, so rule number one

we just don't talk about the Batmobile.

Mm-hm. Oh, what's this do?

Oh, man, that's the coolest thing in the car.

It's the button that makes the Batwings open and close.

Can I try it?

Sure.

[revving]

[whirring]

Oh, Drew.

I had no idea.

So, uh, another thing.

I want to make it up to your parents

by taking them out to dinner anywhere they want, on me.

Oh, Drew. That is so sweet.

And you look so good behind the wheel of this car.

Really sexy.

Oh, yeah?

[dramatic music]

What'd you think of that?

- Wow. - It came with the car.

You know, uh, of all the fantasies I've ever had...

...in the Batmobile is the one that I'd never considered.

Really? Our-our first time?

Here? Wait a second.

Let me check my utility belt for protection.

[both chuckling]

Oh, Batman. I mean, Drew.

I don't care.

What the hell? Is that the Batmobile over there again?

Looks like it.

Those two guys we busted yesterday.

Look what they're up to now.

Let's go.

[siren blaring]

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

Hey... Drew.

I know you couldn't say anything at the station

but, uh, was it "Batman Forever" or...

And I hope you remember our little talk

and that the crusader was caped.

I'll bet you're glad it was a "Dark Knight."

I got nothing.

Can you guys, shut up. That was really embarrassing.

Especially, when the cops shine a light on you

and you're in mid ka-pow.

[clearing throat]

I, uh, I got you all the way to mid "Ka-pow?"

What did it then, biff or the blam?

[laughing]

- Hey, Mr. Carey. - I'm glad you're back.

You know, I think Val Kilmer left his watch in the car.

I was wondering if you'd give it to him?

Uh, no.

I'm taking the car back 'cause you defiled it.

What? Who told you that?

Well, the cops called the fast food chain

to see if you were really the owner.

When they heard what you did they decided to take it back.

Uh, it's all part of the morals clause.

Batman's car had a morals clause?

He kept a young boy in a cave.

Don't you people get it?

The Batmobile belongs to all of us

and we don't want you butt naked in it.

Now, give me the keys.

Alright... fine.

I'll just take the 200,000 then.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Oh, sure, sure. We'll send you a check.

Uh, let me get the address.

It's Drew Carey...

- Yes. - Right.

Okay. And that's 166, No-Chance-Lane.

[laughing]

You can't do this to me.

You can't take my money.

You can't take my car. I'm gonna fight this.

I'm gonna fight this all the way...

Where does a guy go to fight something like this?

Wait a minute, here. Drew, cheer up.

Now, you got to do something

that most men only dream about.

You got to defile the Batmobile.

And there's always plenty of fast food contests.

Who knows? This time next year you could be doing it

on the bridge of the Enterprise.

See?

I'd say thanks, but I got 200,000 reasons not to.

Hey, hey, hey, that's not the Drew Carey I know, huh?

What do you do when life gives you stale French fries, huh?

You throw them away, no.

You salt 'em, you wrap 'em in a damn paper towel

you reheat 'em and you enjoy 'em.

So what do you suggest I do?

- I don't know, I got nothing. - Alright.

- Hey, uh, Nicki... - Hmm.

This is gonna be one of those "Was it good for you" questions

but I noticed the only time you really seemed to be...

...turned on was when we were in the Batmobile.

I mean, that's not the only thing

you find exciting about me, is it?

Well, to be honest. It's mostly you but...

it didn't hurt that it was a little dangerous.

This house is a little dangerous.

Got a couple of loose floorboards

the lights out in the fridge...

Drew, I never knew.

You know something? I think the penguins are large.

This is a great idea.

Breakfast in bed always cheers Drew up.

Breakfast always cheers Drew up.

- Could you pass the salt? - Yeah.

[instrumental music]

Thanks.

He likes 'em over easy, right?

I think so.

Hey, how's that toast coming?

Almost ready.

Hey guys, what you doing?

Oh, we're making Drew breakfast in bed

in our Batman and Robin outfits.

Good for you.