Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Would you look at the spread? This is the biggest

Bust-A-Gut night the Warsaw's ever had.

Yeah. That's why they had to hire us.

Yeah. We get 25 bucks off the rent on our place upstairs

and they get two world-class gourmet chefs.

(in unison) Ow! Grease burns!

Alright. Lay down the tarps and get out the safety goggles

'cause I'm gonna eat until the cows come home.

Then he's gonna eat the cows.

This must be getting serious.

Drew's never brought a date to Bust-A-Gut Night before.

He said it was too many conflicting urges.

Wow. Look at this...

Buffalo wings, chicken legs, beef ribs...

Looks like someone dipped Noah's Ark in a deep fryer.

I know it can be kind of overwhelming at first

but there's a technique, see?

You have to start with a starter plate.

Lay down a solid layer of meats and cheeses.

Remember, you're not a sprinter

you're a long distance runner.

Drew, I can't eat this.

Wha..? Look, I know it's your first trip to the moon

but don't worry, you're with Neil-freakin'-Armstrong.

I guess it's time I told you something. I...

I used to be different. I mean...

...there used to be more of me.

Oh.. Oh, my god.

Nicki-Nick, Nicki-Nick...

No-no, Drew, I'm a woman.

Just, what I meant to say was

I used to be overweight.

You? No way.

Yeah. Over the last two years I have lost 85 pounds.

Wow.

I'm down to my last couple of pounds. It's just...

I'm trying to eat healthier, so

if-if you don't mind, I'll pass.

Oh, you don't mind if I eat, do you?

No, no, trust me. I know the worst thing

to do to someone who loves to eat is to nag them about it.

Wow. Hey, listen, if you can support me like that

I'm gonna support you.

I'm gonna lose five pounds for every pound you lose.

Besides, how hard can it be to lose ten pounds, huh?

Ten pounds? That's easy, just wipe the crumbs off your mouth.

Mimi, this is my girlfriend, Nicki.

Nicki, this is the thing that goes bump in the night.

Girlfriend, huh? When I clap my hands

you're gonna wake up and regain your eyesight.

[clapping]

Carey...

...and some girl Carey's bothering.

What're you doing here, sir?

Well, uh, I always hang out here.

Look, there's an American jukebox.

These are the Dutch big wigs. There's been some concern

that since I go the Jaguar, I've lost touch with the people.

Just play along.

(Wick) Come on, boys, let's go and get urine-faced.

Boy, a British accent just makes everything

sound classier, doesn't it?

Oh, listen, I'm gonna get rid of this stuff.

I'll be right back.

Hey, do you mind not calling me "fat" in front of my girlfriend?

I'd do it behind your back, but I don't wanna take that walk.

Trust me, there's no way you're gonna lose ten pounds.

I could do it in two weeks.

Willing to bet on it?

I'll bet 20 bucks.

Oh, how about 20 bucks a pound?

You're on.

Just to show you how serious I am, I'm not gonna try to salvage

that even thought the rib isn't technically touching the floor.

When's the floor ever stopped you?

I've seen you eat Cheetos out of a dust pan.

Hey, Drew, did you try the bacon-wrap sausages yet?

You can almost feel your heart slow down. It's really cool.

None for me, thanks. I'm done eating for the night.

What about beer?

Oh, I'm still gonna have beer.

♪ Aah aah aah aah aah aah aah aah ♪

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with the crimson lips ♪

♪ Go "Cleveland Rocks" ♪

♪ "Cleveland Rocks" ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin ♪

♪ Goin' "Cleveland Rocks" ♪

♪ "Cleveland Rocks" ♪

♪ "Cleveland Rocks" "Cleveland Rocks" ♪

♪ "Cleveland Rocks" ♪

♪ Ohio ♪

[instrumental music]

Gather round, all, it's story time.

Make yourselves comfortable. Close your eyes.

Open your hearts and prepare for a magical tale.

Once upon a time, Hopkins was fired...

...and everyone else lived happily ever after.

Except, a little more scared. Right, back to work.

Drew, we're gonna be millionaires.

Great! I'm outta here. Hey, everybody

tell Mr. Wick I quit.

Don't you wanna know why?

No, I've learned long ago to trust you people.

Whoo! I'm gonna be a millionaire.

Well, just so you know, we're gonna get a booth

at the Harvest Festival and we're gonna sell

Buzz Beer hotcakes.

Hey, I'm back!

No-no, no, no, seriously.

You gotta try 'em.

Alright, just one bite, 'cause I'm on a diet.

[retching]

So?

That was so good, I thought I'd share some with my hand.

- Hi, guys. - 'Hey'.

Drew, are you ready to go to lunch?

Oh, yeah. Hey, we're doin' this salad bar thing.

It's an amazing concept. You go in and eat the salad

and then you just stop.

Hey... Buzz Beer salad dressing.

Then people won't know you're drinking at lunch.

[laughing]

So, I'd ask you how you're doin' on your diet

but I know how that used to bug me, so I'm not gonna.

Ask away 'cause I'm well under 200.

(weighing machine) 'You weigh 210 pounds.'

Mimi...

Don't let her get to you, Drew. You're doing great.

You could lose 20 pounds if you wanted to.

See if you still feel like that in an hour

when he's tearing through the salad bar

like a lion through a gazelle.

Going to lunch, Carey?

- Yes, sir. - Looking forward to it?

Oh, I'm not going to lunch, am I?

Oh, I wanted to say that.

Why don't I bring you something back?

- What'd you like on your salad? - Pie.

I'll surprise you.

Oh, I thought you were goin' on a diet

'cause you wanted to lose weight but you're goin' on a diet

'cause your girlfriend wants you to lose weight.

Boy, have you got it backwards. I'm tryin' to help her.

She used to have a weight problem and I'm doin' this

for moral support.

Get a clue, Sir Laurence Obliviae.

Blondie never had a weight problem.

She's just tryin' to trick you into losing weight

'cause she's embarrassed about you.

I mean, wake up and smell the coffee cake.

How do you know?

The world's full of people who want to change you.

If it's not your hair, it's your make-up or your clothes.

Oh, you've been through the same thing, huh?

Hey, I was a teenager. I had an awkward stage.

Let me tell you something. I'm sure there's people

who were never satisfied with the way you are

but that's not Nicki. You're wrong about her.

You're wrong about the diet and you're wrong

about everything you've ever worn.

So you're gonna try and diet, huh?

This is gonna be the easiest $200 I ever made.

Oh, I'm sure Ripley's must've paid you somethin'

for somethin'.

[engine rattling]

[explosion]

[loud rattling]

[coughing]

Okay, surprise, surprise!

The beer-powered lawn mower was a bad idea.

But the good news is that beer powered Oswald

is runnin' just fine.

Okay, you guys, we still need to think of somethin' to grab

people's attention at the festival.

Hey, you know what? I read about this thing called

the "Backwards completion principle".

What you do is, you envision your moment of success

then you work your way backwards to figure out how you got there.

Okay, okay...

We're in the newspaper because we've done

something amazing with Buzz Beer.

Okay, what am I wearing?

The brown suit with the stain.

Okay, you mean the white suit with the clean spot. Alright.

Am I holdin' anythin'?

Yeah, a trophy.

I got it.

- 'We're in the paper..' - Yeah?

...because we've created the world's largest mug of beer.

That's brilliant.

We should do everything backwards.

Agree I.

Yeah, look...

You're right. It doesn't always work.

- Kitchen in the. - Shut up.

- Kay-O. - Up shut!

Hey, you know, Drew's still asleep. What's on Pay-Per-View?

Uh, it's "How to make an American quilt".

Oh, I love those sensitive women's movies.

Sometimes they get together and get naked.

Do you think Drew'll notice it on his bill?

Oh, who cares? The fun part is watchin' him

call the cable company and bitch.

Oh, my God, there he is. This came on all by itself, Drew.

Hey, you should call the cable company and rip 'em a new one.

Uh-oh, the silent treatment. He must really be mad.

[scoffing] I can't enjoy the quilt with this kind of tension.

(Oswald) Hey, we-we're sorry, Drew. We'll pay you back.

Wait. Something's wrong here. He's not wearing his glasses.

And he's using a plate.

Drew?

Drew...

Oh my God, he's sleep-eating.

Hey, let's see if we can guide his dreams.

Drew, you're bein' attacked by a flock of birds...

[cawing]

Okay, now there's a beautiful woman

wearing hot-pants approaching

and she wants a bite of your sandwich.

You guys, come on, come on. He's screwing up his diet.

I know what'd wake him up, a vegetable.

We have the celery left over from our Bloody Mary night.

Let's watch.

[spitting] What the hell?

Hey, what're you guys doin' at Pamela Lee's house

on New Year's Eve?

Drew.. Drew, you were eating in your sleep.

Oh, man, no wonder this diet isn't workin'.

Uh, I don't know why I'm killin' myself anyway.

If Nicki doesn't like me the way I am

it's over no matter what I do.

Wow, where does that come from?

Mimi. She said that Nicki lied about being overweight

just to get me to go on a diet.

I was willing to go to a salad bar for her.

I thought she was the one.

Look, I-I know it's hard to imagine Nicki overweight

and sometimes people do manipulate people

in very subtle ways. Oswald...

Huh? She's right.

I-I don't think Nicki is that kind of person.

I just think Mimi just made you paranoid.

- Oswald. - She's right.

So what're you gonna do?

- 'Oswald.' - He's right.

I don't know, but somehow I gotta find a way

to figure out if she was ever really fat.

[oven dinging]

What's that?

You not only eat in your sleep, you bake.

Step right up and have your picture taken

with the world's largest mug of beer. Only two dollars.

That's right, folks. It's got over 2,000 gallons of Buzz Beer.

That's enough to kill over two million brain cells

and destroy 17 marriages.

It makes you wanna pee, just lookin' at it, don't it?

Step right up, sir.

Step right up.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

Where did you get this thing?

Oh, at the Drug Co. They only used it

for one experiment. So wasteful.

So I, uh, scrubbed it down

and it's as good as new.

Oh, that's weird.

I lost another fingernail.

Uh, Drew... Drew, Drew, Drew...

Hand me that net, will ya?

Another duck?

Yeah, they're mean when they're drunk.

So, did you find out if Nicki really was fat?

No, and I can't just come out and ask her.

It'd be just like accusing her of lying.

[ducks quacking]

Alright, buddy

you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

Don't worry, Drew. I have a plan.

Hey, Nicki, I'm, uh...

I'm havin' a little trouble with this crossword puzzle.

I wonder if you can help me.

"Fatty, fatty, two by four, blank blank blank blank

blank blank door."

Okay, I'll find out if she was fat. Watch the master.

Boy, I, uh, I love calliope music.

Shall we?

Shall we what?

- What's he goin' for here? - I don't know.

'Loose skin, stretch marks..'

Believe me, we'll be back to the puzzle.

Oh, what're you doing?

It's a sad state of affairs when a man has to explain

why he wants a woman to dance at a carnival.

Adieu.

[mouthing] I don't know.

Guys, we've got trouble in the mug.

- What? What's wrong? - There's a leak in the bottom.

Somebody's gotta go down and plug it.

- I'll do it. - Hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

You've got someone who loves you. Give me this.

Hey, this is ironic. Twelve steps.

No cannon balls.

There's one man who's achieved one of his three lifetime goals.

God bless you.

Oh, look, we're finally getting a crowd.

Step right up. Get your picture taken with...

...Beer Boy.

(Oswald) That's right. The Amazing Beer Boy...

His mother was Hops, his father was Barley.

'He longed for the love of a human woman'

yet he's destined to drink alone for eternity.

Oh, look. The Beer Boy is evolving before our very eyes.

Here he is... But don't stand too close.

Hideous gases may be building in his body

after years of beer habitation.

I can only survive 20 minutes in your oxygen rich atmosphere.

Wait. I must take another breath.

Ah, there. Now Beer Boy feel good.

[applause]

Hey, look, it's Beer Boy. I hear he has an indestructible liver

and the false confidence of ten men.

I must have my picture taken with him.

Mm, maybe later.

Right now I have to exhale like a race horse.

Oh my gosh, Nicki Fifer?

It's Jody Phillips, Class of '82, remember?

Hi...

You went to high school with her?

Boy, how'd you even recognize her?

'Cause I hear she changed quite a bit.

[clearing throat]

Nope, she looks exactly the same.

(Jody) 'Right down to the hair.'

Ooh, way to hang on to a look, huh?

[chuckles]

I'm gonna go get a beer.

If you really wanna see a look, be here when I get back.

I guess that's it.

The thin lady sang.

I'm sorry, Drew.

(man over P.A.) 'Ladies and gentlemen, the watermelon eating contest'

'is about to begin. Beat the champ and win $300.'

Did someone just say

"Drew Carey, get over here and win a contest"?

You're actually gonna enter that thing?

Why not? The diet's over. The relationship's over.

I might as well win the money to pay Mimi back

after she wins the bet.

Eating's just another word for nothing left to lose.

Wait a second, he's not gonna go break up with her, is he?

Yeah, she lied about being overweight in high school.

It's a long story.

Do you want your picture taken with Beer Boy?

She really was overweight in high school.

I guess I'm still mad because she completely blocked me out

of the senior picture.

But she did lose like a hundred pounds.

We're not just talkin' fatty-fatty fo-fatty

we're talkin' fatty boom-ballatty.

Yeah. Well, anyways...

Will you tell her that I'm sorry?

Yeah. Oh my God, we've gotta tell Drew

that Nicki really was fat before he breaks up with her.

You go. Beer Boy must stay and make drunken phone calls

to old girlfriends.

(male announcer) 'Our next contestant is Drew Carey challenging'

'the North American Champion, Big Walter.'

[applause]

Get ready, pig, I'm gonna blow your house down.

Gee, I hate to see family go at it like this.

Snouts down, ears back, go!

- 'Come on, Drew!' - 'Come on, Drew!'

[cheering]

[cheering continues]

[applause]

Who's the pig now, baby? Who's the pig now?

(male announcer) The winner and new champion, Drew Carey.

[applause]

Hey, you won.

The word "proud" comes to mind then quickly vanishes.

I figured what the hell, you're embarrassed

about the way I look anyway.

Drew, I'm not embarrassed...

I'm not embarrassed about the way you look.

Uh, Drew, I have something important to tell you.

Hey, guess what? I just, uh... I just ate half a pound

of nature's tastiest laxative for no reason whatsoever.

Drew...

Look, uh...

I thought you were lyin' to me about bein' heavy

just to get me to go on a diet.

I mean, you know what it's like when you're overweight.

Sometimes the fat just gets in your brain and makes you crazy.

Look, Drew, when I was overweight, I always thought

I was being judged too, but you gotta believe me

I like you the way you are.

You're solid, you're jolly and you're shade on a Summer's day.

Next time something's botherin' you, talk to me.

Don't try to work it out with barnyard animals.

Attention please.

Will the owner of Beer Boy please go to the Lost And Found?

And if you have his pants, please bring those too.

Well, I better go save Beer Boy.

Without his pants, he's just Creepy Drunk Guy.

I'm not done yet.

- I just realized somethin'. - What?

How're we gonna get outta here?

Why would we wanna get outta here at all?

I mean, what's out there but disappointment and heart-break?

In here, it's nice, safe.

Goodnight, Oswald.

Goodnight, Lewis.