Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Everybody, we just got out of jail.

[all cheering]

[mumbles] Huh?

No, keep your money, buddy.

Listen, we weren't arrested for selling drugs.

But Drew was!

(all) Oh!

But he is innocent.

(all) Yeah.

He's a victim of the damn system.

(all) Boo!

But God bless America!

(all) Yay!

So you people will cheer at pretty much anything...

...as long as I do this!

[cheering]

Okay. Good to know.

Haa, the sweet smell of freedom.

MyGod, I need a woman!

Lewis, you were in jail for three hours.

And you weren't with a woman for six months before that.

MyGod, am I a loser?

Cheer up, buddy.

Hey, how many people here think Lewis is desirable?

[cheering]

You're the best friend ever, buddy.

Or is he just a jerk?

[cheering]

You know what, I can't figure out, how did you not know

Larry was selling drugs out of his house?

Why don't you ask him? He was bailin' himself out when I left.

Hello? Guys, it's Drew.

'What?'

I can't understand you.

Well, stop crying.

Drew, maxed out his credit card. He is $500 short of bail.

Well, I bet somebody's sorry

he bought that new whole bratwurst machine.

Hmm.

Alright, we'll be right there.

Drew needs $500, where we gonna get it?

Hey, you kiddin', we are among his friends here

this is his second home.

Hey, everybody, we need to raise $500 to bail Drew out of jail.

That's ten bucks a person. Whose with me?

Who's in now?

Alright, ten bucks to hear

about the night I spent in women's prison.

[theme song]

♪ Ahh ahh ahh ♪

♪ All this energy callin' me ♪

♪ Back where it comes from ♪

♪ It's such a crude attitude ♪

♪ It's back where it belongs ♪

♪ All the little chicks with the crimson lips go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Livin' in sin with a safety pin go ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪ ♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

♪ Cleveland rocks ♪

[echoing] Ohio!

[instrumental music]

Yeah, come in.

You know, I don't understand why just couldn't

I came here and got my stuff on my own.

Hey, you might be out on bail

but your house is considered evidence.

You got ten minutes to get your things

and vacate the crime scene.

"Crime scene"! The guy that was living with me

sold drugs, I didn't. Do I look like a drug dealer to you?

Yeah, yeah, is that the suit of a drug runner?

Or a guy who's done any sort of running at all?

Yeah, yeah, everyone's a saint.

Hey... what's this?

It's powdered sugar.

Sometimes I eat donuts in front of the TV.

With no plate?

Hey, they're not there that long.

Come on, pal, you know how many donuts

you'd have to eat to build up this much powder?

Ahh, it's sugar.

[telephone rings]

Crime scene, you are talking to a federal marshal.

Uh-huh!.

Hold on, he's right here.

It's mom.

Hi, mom.

Big drug bust at the house.

I don't know. Kinda.

Look, it's all a big mistake. It's...

Huh?

Yeah, he is right here.

She wants to talk to you again.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Alright then.

Okay.

Here you go.

But, mom!

Look, I gotta go, mom.

No, I don't have time to talk to dad. I don't have time to...

Hi, dad.

Yeah, it's running fine.

Fine.

Hello, it's your new neighbors.

Sorry to just barge in, but the door was open.

And we saw the cop car outside, so we assumed you're home.

Hi, I'm Drew. I guess, I didn't get a chance to meet you all.

I was being arrested and... this is the federal marshal.

I am Janet and this is Greg.

- Hi. - Hi, Drew.

And you weren't home so they

dropped this at our door.

Excuse me. I'm gonna have to take a look at that.

Oh, a professional scale.

Gee, I wonder why you need this for?

It's for a big lawsuit I'm putting together.

I intend to prove that a "Quarter Pounder"

does not weight a quarter pound.

You know that's pre-cooked weight.

Yeah, but I...

Bye.

[toilet flushes]

Hey, what were you doin' in there? Ditching evidence?

If that's what you wanna call it.

[instrumental music]

Here we are, home sweet home.

You are gonna love living above a bar.

I really like what you and Oswald have...

Have you done anything to this place?

Hey, it used to just be a stalk room above the Warsaw

but now it's a ladies only Eurotrash disco.

Well, that's what our sign downstairs says.

Yeah, well, Oswald isn't gonna need that sign anymore

now that he's dating Kate.

But that's gonna take some kinda getting used to.

I don't know. There's something almost, uh, incestuous about it.

Yeah, like if my dad would have dated my...

...I don't know, my mom or something.

You guys out of beer?

Oh, we don't keep it in there.

Hey, Tim, two Buzz beers!

Every time I do that

I feel like I've made a deal with the devil.

Hey, uh, are you sure there's not some

sort of health regulation about having dogs up here?

Oh, no, it's okay. As long as we keep him out of the bar.

Hey, Speedy, you want some pickle water, boy?

Here you go.

Oh, oh, oh. Don't eat 'em.

Those are for the paying customers.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

Oh, hi.

How you doin', Drew?

Fine.

I was just worried, 'cause you were kind of quiet

in the paddy wagon.

Oh, you think I'm upset

about you and Oswald dating each other.

No, hey, if you're happy, I'm happy, no problem.

Hey, have a pickle.

- No, thanks. - I'll have one.

I'm just glad we got the whole dating thing out in the open

'cause... keeping it a secret the last month's been a killer.

Yeah.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Drew, here is something for you to wear in prison.

Yeah, I'll be using it before you will.

[clears throat]

Oh, gee! Here you are facing hard time and I'm telling jokes.

So you are sorry?

No, I'm telling you what I'm gonna be doin'

for the next 20 minutes.

Oh, oops, forgot my notes.

Carey.

We want you to know the store supports you whole heartedly.

You've been loyal to us for ten years

we'll be just as loyal to you.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, just for the fun of it, fill this specimen cup

and have it to security by noon today.

Gee, that does sound like fun.

Drew!

Your lawyer's here.

Lawyer, pig. Pig, lawyer.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Carey.

Same here. Shall we get started?

Oh, well first, shake my hand.

That's not some fancy lawyer version

of "pull my finger", is it?

No.

Congratulations. The charges against you have been dropped.

I threatened a countersue and they folded.

They never had a case.

I'm not going to jail, that's great.

Well, you're the best lawyer ever.

I feel like goin' home and commit a real crime

just to watch you do your stuff.

A-actually, there is more you should know.

Nope, that's it. Old story, big happy ending.

I'm afraid not, Mr. Carey.

Afraid so, I call it big, happy ending. Bye-bye.

Well, before you call "jinx" and I can't talk

I should tell you that the government has seized your house

and they're going to sell it at auction.

What?

My house? Th-they can't do that.

You just said I was innocent.

You may be, but your house was involved in a crime.

Your roommate paid your mortgage with drug money

so legally, they can take your house.

So, my house is guilty.

Yeah.

Hello, house?

They're on to us.

Get the fridge, meet me down at the river.

I don't care. Use an extension cord.

And uh, tell the oven, I love her.

[instrumental music]

So, uh, Lewis, Kate and I, we're going out later

and we were wondering if, you wanted to come along.

Oh, yeah.

No, I'd just feel like a third wheel.

Hey, you're not a third wheel.

As a matter of fact, you can pick where we go tonight.

- Really? - 'Yeah.'

Okay, I say we go for a drive by the lake.

Oh, that sounds nice.

- Park, look at the stars. - Uh-huh.

Maybe go out for a romantic French dinner?

Grab a bike.

Go home.

Have a little red wine.

See what happens.

And one of us could stop watching cable.

Hey, Drew, we just wanted you to know

you can stay with us as long as you want.

Lewis, however, maybe moving out.

- Hey, Nicki, you look great. - Well, thanks.

Uh, and why do you wanna meet here instead of at your house?

Oh, good news... this is my house now.

Your house is a bar?

What's next? Actually, living inside the keg?

I'm moving upstairs in the store room

you know, with Oswald and Lewis.

'Cause you know, the government seized my house

and put it up for auction.

Hey, last chance to marry me.

Oh, hey, you remember everybody from jail, uh, Kate. Oswald.

- Hey. - Hello.

And Lewis, probably third wheel, now fifth wheel.

[whispers] Hi.

Uh, so, Nicky, you're realtor.

What are these house auctions, like, anyway?

Oh, take my advise and stay home, it will break your heart

how low they sell your house for.

Great. Probably less than I owe on it.

Way lower.

Some bottom feeders probably gonna get a great deal

'cause the interest rates are so low right now.

Yep.

Hey, wait a minute.

I'm in the bottom. How come I can't see some feedin' already?

All I gotta do is, buy my house back.

Hey, sure you can, Drew

if everybody claps their hands and believes.

Drew, you can't buy your own house back.

It's against the law.

I don't have to. It's so simple.

Now, stay with me.

I allow the house to go for a quick auction

one of you guys buys it, but I make the payments.

And, because I got it in an auction

I'll get it for a lot less than I owe on it.

But, oh-oh, I have two mortgages, so I'm crazy, right?

Crazy like a fox.

Here's the beauty part of the plan...

...I declare bankruptcy!

See, for once I'm using the system

instead of the system using me.

At this point, Wile E. Coyote realizes

that the tunnel was just actually painted on.

[whispers] Let's watch.

[instrumental music]

Okay, everybody

I wanna thank you all for coming to my bankruptcy party.

[cheering]

Now, it's time for the oldest unpaid bill contest.

And none of those PBS budgets

'cause nobody pays those anyways.

I've got an orthodontics bill from 1987.

(all) Wow.

Like I wanna pay that jerk, all my teeth went back they were.

Didn't the retainer help?

Uh, what-the, what?

I have a student loan bill from one semester

of Lakeland Community College in 1984.

[cheering]

Hey, when you give a loan to a guy

with a 2.0 grade point average

you takes your chances.

I hold in my hands a bill for my own birth.

[cheering]

What're they gonna do, put me back?

[laughing]

We have a winner.

Well, a loser, but a winner.

If I could have everybody's attention...

We put together a little song and dance in honor of Drew.

Yeah, it seem like a good idea last night when we were drunk

and, well, it's too late to stop us now.

So, a one and a two...

♪ You stick your poor ass in ♪

♪ You stick your poor ass out ♪

♪ You stick you poor as in ♪

♪ And than you shake it all about ♪

♪ You do the goin' bookie 'cause you goin' down the tubes ♪

♪ That's when we both passed out ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[all cheering]

It was very nice.

Now, let's have a moment of silence for your pride.

Good.

So, uh, Oswald, what're you, uh, dressed up as, anyway?

Hit me.

I'm the skids.

[laughing]

Oh, man, now that you're his girlfriend

I gotta listen to you laugh for every stupid thing he says.

Hey, I got one for you.

Look at me. I'm-I'm the doe.

[giggling]

Hey.

What just, uh, happened over there?

Ah, that's nothing.

- Drew... - Nothing happened.

Drew, I'm not a psychologist, but when a grown man

holds a pineapple to his butt, it's a cry for help.

(Drew) 'It's just weird to watch'

'two of my best friends datin' each other.'

Well, maybe you should go talk to him.

'Cause you're really bringin' down the bankruptcy party.

Yeah. You're right.

[Drew sighs]

Hey, Kate, can I, uh, talk to you for a second.

Why, was I breathing different

than I did before I started dating Oswald?

No, wait.

Look, I'm really sorry, I just...

You know, I used to be able to say

"Hey, I'm in my 30's

"and I'm not married, but so what

neither are my friends."

And now, two of my best friends

are in a great relationship

that has every chance of working out and...

...I was, I was feeling kind of lonely, that's all.

Now, it's just me and Lewis.

Oh my God, just me and Lewis.

Hey, baby. What's long and red and right behind you?

Is that what you are worried about?

Don't be silly.

If I can find someone, I'm sure you'll find someone, Drew.

I'm sure you'll find someone, Drew.

I'm sure you'll find someone, Drew.

I'm sure you'll find someone, Drew.

Ah, thanks, Kate. I really appreciate that.

And, hey, we'll always be friends, right?

Hey, we'll always be friends, right?

(male #1) 'Hey, we'll always be friends, right?'

Yeah, thanks, Kate. I, I really appreciate that.

Hey, Lewis.

- Same old, same old, huh? - Yeah, just me and you, buddy.

[chuckles]

Just me and you.

Quit looking at me like that, Lewis, you're freakin' me out!

[dings]

Quit looking at me like that, Lewis, you're freakin' me out.

Quit looking at me like that, Lewis, you're freaking me out!

[instrumental music]

Okay, guys, here's the plan.

I wanna buy back this place for as little as possible

so we've to convince everybody, it's a real crappy place.

I got an idea. Why don't we just show them the inside?

Good. That's the spirit.

By the way, screw you.

You know, I checked the plumbing underneath the house

and it looks like all the pipes will need to be replaced.

Boy, never saw a cockroach ride a rat before.

Hey, look. An unmarked grave.

Alright, folks, on behalf of the state of Ohio

we are ready to take the first bid.

Okay, Lewis, start the bidding for me.

- What should I start at? - I don't know, ten thousands.

- For this rat hole? - Just bid.

Alright, I don't know why I'm doing this

because this place really stinks

but, I'm bidding $10,000.

I have 10,000. Do I hear 10,500?

Twenty thousand for the pigsty!

Mimi, what're you doin' here?

Screwing you and getting a house for cheap.

Oh, yeah? 20,000 and one dollar.

I'm sorry, sir, you have to bid in increments of $500.

Alrighty, then, 20,500 and one dollar.

Shove that one dollar down his throat.

Thirty five thousand!

Forty thousand!

Forty five thousand!

Fifty thousand! We can go at this all night if you want.

It's not my money.

Hey, what're you doing?

Just shut up. We're almost at what I paid for the place.

Oh, look, here's my neighbors.

Good to see here for the support, thanks, man,

Hey, what's the bidding at?

Around 50,000.

Fifty five thousand!

Fifty seven thousand!

What're you doin'?

Oh, we're gonna knock down your house and build something nice.

Fifty eight thousand!

Do I hear sixty?

Sixty thousand!

Thirty thousand!

Might work.

Hey, why do you care? You don't own the house anymore.

- Yeah, but-- - Sixty five thousand!

Tryin' to buy it back.

I made my friend Lewis here bid out it for me.

Oh, we didn't know that. Did you hear that?

Honey, he is tryin' to buy the house back.

Well, then, I'll bet a bit higher.

Seventy thousand!

Well, that's a little too rich for my blood.

Just for the fun of it, 72,500!

Great. That's why I owe on the house, now what will I do?

I'll tell you what to do.

Seventy three thousand!

- Seventy four thousand! - Hold it.

Look, I want this house man.

I grew up here, it's my childhood home.

That's how I know, that the guy on the other side of you

with the big lot, has a heart condition.

It's gonna be a long winter.

Big driveway, small snow shovel. You do the math.

Alright, alright, it's yours, man.

Seventy four thousand, once--

Seventy five thousand and one dollar.

Sold.

For 75,000.

[cheering]

Alright, I got my house back.

A little more than I paid for

but with a lower interest rate, it'll all even out.

Oh, well, you know that just goes the show.

If you let the system beat you long enough

eventually it's gonna get tired.

Mm-hm.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I...

...I have someone I have to see.

Oh, oven. I'm home!

Hey, Tim, how is it going down there?

Cheese burger.

Chilly burger.

Spaghetti dinner.

Hey, hey, hey, I ordered meat balls.

Hey, Tim, I ordered meat balls!

Whoa.

Check out the blonde at the bar, she is cute.

Hey, baby, you want to take the stairway to heaven?

It's just past the men's room!

Sorry, buddy. Hey, get a haircut and workout, would you?

[instrumental music]